BOO! (a.k.a. I'm With Her)

Martin

Boo!

Frasier

That is not funny! You don't sneak up on someone and startle them!

Martin

First of all, it's very funny. And secondly, I only did it to prove a point.

Ronee

And you called it: he does scream like a woman.

Frasier

I do not scream like a woman. It was a manly throaty wail.

Niles

Frasier, you may want to call security. As I got off the elevator, I heard a woman screaming hysterically.

Frasier

That was me! I was innocently conducting some Brahms and our madcap father decided to startle me.

Martin

Oh, quit whinin'. I used to scare you kids all the time when we went camping and you used to love it. Remember the story about the couple making out in the car who got slashed by the killer with the hook?

Frasier

Yes, and I remember I couldn't kiss a woman in a car until I was thirty.

Ronee

Well, your father doesn't have that problem, Mr. Reclining Bucket Seats.

Frasier

Want me to scream again?

Niles

Dad, when'd you get the new cane?

Martin

Oh, Ronee got it for me.

Ronee

Yeah, he's to young for that old-man cane. This is much more his style.

Martin

Give me a top hat and I'm Fred Astaire.

Frasier

Add a monocle and you're Mr. Peanut.

Niles

Frasier, coulrophobia?

Frasier

Yes, I have a patient who suffers from it.

Martin

What is it?

Frasier

It's a very rare disorder: a crippling fear of clowns. Yes, I'm treating a pediatric nurse who's terrified every time one comes to visit the children at her hospital. It's almost cost her her job.

Niles

Poor thing.

Frasier

Yes, although we're making great progress, though. Some rather ground-breaking techniques I've devised. I think we're close to a cure.

Niles

Really?

Frasier

Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if this may turn out to be my clowning achievement.

Niles

That sounded better in you head, didn't it?

Frasier

Vastly.

Martin

Well, I don't blame her for hatin' clowns. They're weird and creepy. That's one of the reasons I never took you kids to the circus.

Niles

Which I always resented. You know how much I wanted to be a trapeze artist. I even decorated a unitard in the style of the Flying Wallendas to wear when we visited the big top.

Martin

That was the other reason.

Frasier

Well, I'll go check on dinner.

Ronee

Oh, you know, I'm gonna have to make this an early evening. I'm leaving in the morning to visit my mother. She moved last year to Spokane.

Frasier

[stopping at the kitchen door] I remember your mom. She used to chaperone our dances, right?

Ronee

Oh yeah. She also taught Sunday school and led the church choir.

Frasier

It must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from that tree.

Frasier

You're doing fine, Mimi, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Mimi

Right.

Frasier

Just a tiny inanimate piece of plastic. It couldn't possibly hurt you.

Mimi

I know.

Frasier

You're doing great.

Mimi

I feel good.

Frasier

Much better.

Mimi

Really?

Frasier

Yes, yes. You're still in the room, you didn't throw up. It's a big improvement. All right now, give me your hand. [He takes it and puts it on the jack-in-the-box.] Here's the tiny little hat.

Mimi

Tiny little hat, right.

Frasier

And the big red nose.

Mimi

The big red nose.

Frasier

Now, Mimi, is there anything you'd like to say to our little clown friend?

Mimi

Please don't kill me!

Frasier

No! No, Mimi.

Mimi

Oh, uh, I mean, you're my friend and I like you.

Frasier

Excellent, Mimi. All right then. Now, tomorrow we will take our biggest step yet.

Mimi

No, I really don't think that...

Frasier

No, you are ready. You are. In the safety of this environment, you will watch me transform myself into a real live clown. I will apply the make up, and then I'll put on the clown suit and the big funny shoes. And, time permitting, I will make animal balloons.

Mimi

And you really think that'll work?

Frasier

As long as you don't ask for anything too complicated, like a giraffe.

Frasier

Well, our time is up. All right then, Mimi, I will see you tomorrow.

Frasier

Rest assured, I will talk you through every step of the way. There's nothing to be afraid of. There will be no surprises.

Frasier

I'm so, so sorry. Yes, here. There he goes.

Frasier

I will see you later, then.

Frasier

Again, I am so sorry. Little fella really is full of mischief, isn't he?

Mimi

You mean you're not controlling him?!

Frasier

Yes! Of course I am! Anyway, I will see you tomorrow. Double session.

Martin

Boo!

Frasier

What is the matter with you?!

Martin

Well, you keep standing in empty rooms with your back to the door, I'm only human. I wish Ronee could've seen that one.

Frasier

You know, I'm glad your little girlfriend is making you feel young again, but you're acting like an irresponsible adolescent.

Martin

[in a nasal mimic] Irresponsible adolescent.

Frasier

Mimicking me now!

Martin

Mimicking me now!

Frasier

Stop it! Did you specifically come down here to torture me?

Martin

No, I'm picking up Niles for a movie, but he's still got someone in his office.

Frasier

Yes, as do I, unfortunately. Now off you go.

Martin

Oh, when did you forget how to have fun? You've turned into such a fuddy-duddy.

Frasier

Well forgive me if I prefer humor of a more elevated level. I tell you what, I might actually enjoy one of your japes someday if you could come up with something with a bit more wit and sophistication.

Frasier

Hello? Yes, well I'm afraid my calendar is rather booked right now. All right, I suppose I could try to squeeze you in somewhere. And your last name, please? Rection. That's unusual. And your first name? ...That's not funny either, Dad.

Frasier

Oh, hello, Roz.

Roz

Hi.

Frasier

Thanks for bringing that over.

Roz

No problem. I'm warning you, though, that clown makeup is a bitch to get off. I wore it for Alice's birthday party and for a whole week after, I looked like a kabuki hooker.

Frasier

Oh, yes, that was around the time of the SeaBee Awards. I remember now, you were rather comically made up that night.

Roz

[mad] I'd gotten it off by then.

Martin

Yoo-hoo, Frasier, don't be afraid. I'm comin' in the door.

Frasier

Very funny, Dad. Roz, do you think it's funny when somebody sneaks up behind you and jolts you out of your skin?

Roz

Let me guess: somebody screamed like a woman.

Frasier

Yes, all right. Good night, Roz.

Roz

Bye.

Frasier

I thought you were having dinner with Niles.

Martin

He cancelled, something came up. I'm just gonna watch the game in my room. But don't worry. If I come out for a beer, I'll call ahead. Wouldn't want you to think there was an intruder in the house.

Frasier

It's about ten years too late for that.

Frasier

[calling] Dad, I'm gonna go out for a while. See you later.

Martin

[calling from his room] See ya.

Frasier

Ah, you're right, Dad, that's hilarious. Not such a fuddy-duddy now, am I?

Frasier

Oh, that's quite a comeback, Dad, a heart attack. Come on, get up.

Frasier

Dad? Dad, you can get up now. Dad!

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

How's Dad?

Frasier

Well, he's resting, he's stable. His color is good.

Niles

Thank God. Can I see him?

Frasier

Well, they're running some tests right now. The doctor should be out in a minute.

Niles

How did this happen?

Frasier

Well, there's... so many factors in a case like this, Niles. It's impossible to pinpoint any one cause in particular.

Niles

Why are you dressed like that?

Frasier

Well... Oh, all right. You remember my patient with the clown phobia?

Niles

Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, I feel just terrible about this.

Niles

Frasier, you feel terrible? I was supposed to have dinner with him tonight and I cancelled on him. I would have been with him when it happened, but no, I had to try out those new bath emollients.

Frasier

Yes, well, no point in trying to assign blame at a time like this, Niles. We must remember that.

Niles

You probably saved his life. [to a woman sitting in a chair] Our father had a heart attack, this man saved his life!

Frasier

Well, I'm sure you would've done the same thing if you were in my shoes, Niles. [to the woman] Well, not these shoes, of course.

Roz

Hey.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, hi.

Roz

Here are your clothes.

Frasier

Thank you.

Roz

How's your dad?

Niles

Well, he's fine now, thanks to Frasier's grace under pressure.

Man

You know they say the first few minutes are critical?

Roz

Did you give him an aspirin?

Frasier

Uh, yes, I did.

Roz

He's been taking care of his dad for ten years.

Woman

God bless him. What a good son.

Nurse

Uh, excuse me Dr. Crane, I have to verify the paramedic's report. Around seven o'clock this evening you pretended to leave your apartment...

Frasier

Yes, that's right, it's all there, off you go.

Nurse

Then you dressed up like a clown and lured you father into the living room where you leapt out waving a meat cleaver causing him to collapse.

Niles

You scared him on purpose?

Frasier

It was a joke!

Niles

You know how much he hates clowns! [to the others] My father hates clowns.

Frasier

Yes, well it was only meant as a playful little jolt.

Roz

Why didn't you just throw a toaster in his tub?

Doctor

Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Oh, yes.

Doctor

Your father's doing well. He appears to have suffered a mild cardiac event.

Frasier

And what does that mean, exactly?

Doctor

Well, basically it's a warning. He'll need to change his diet, start exercising. Anyway, he should be able to go home tomorrow.

Frasier

What a relief! He's going to be okay!

Roz

No thanks to you!

Niles

Look at you. You just stand there with a smile on your face.

Frasier

That's makeup, you idiot! May I remind you all that this was an accident?

Frasier

It was meant as a harmless amusement. I will not stand here and be demonized for this. I am not a monster!

Frasier

Okay, Dad, now just take it easy.

Martin

I'm fine.

Martin

Hey, there's my guy. Daddy's home from the little vacation your brother Frasier sent me on.

Frasier

All right, Dad.

Niles

Daphne's on her way over to join us for a nice, heart-smart dinner.

Frasier

Right. Oh, and Dad, you really should take a look at this list the hospital sent home with us. Now, the foods that have a little picture of a, a smiling heart next to them are good for you.

Martin

Yeah, I cracked the code already. Frasier, I wish you'd stop coddling me. I know you're sorry and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack.

Frasier

Not a heart attack, Dad, a, a cardiac event. You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it.

Niles

Yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier, like "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack."

Frasier

Cardiac event!

Martin

Here, give me this.

Frasier

No, Dad, here. I'll take this to your room for you. Why don't you just sit down and rest?

Niles

Hey, were you able to reach Ronee at her mom's?

Martin

Nope.

Niles

Well, here, you can try her now.

Martin

No, because I'm not tellin' her.

Frasier

What?

Martin

She doesn't need to know every little thing that goes on in my life.

Frasier

Dad, you had a heart attack!

Martin

Cardiac event. And it's over.

Niles

Dad...

Martin

It's over.

Frasier

Dad, are you afraid she'll start seeing you differently?

Martin

Well, you see me differently. "Let me have that suitcase, Dad." "Just sit down and rest." I don't need her thinkin' of me as some feeble old guy.

Frasier

Do you really want to keep such an enormous secret from her?

Martin

Well, not forever. You and Niles can tell her after I'm dead.

Niles

Oh, that'll be Daphne.

Martin

She's not cookin', is she? I just got out of the hospital!

Niles

Ronee.

Ronee

Surprise, boys, and start pourin'. How ya doin', sweetie?

Martin

Hey. I thought you were at your mother's.

Ronee

Oh, you know, I cut it short. It was just too depressing. Ever since her operation, she just sits around all day like she's a hundred.

Ronee

Nice flowers. [reads the card] "Get well soon"?

Martin

Oh, I got those for Frasier. He has a little... man problem.

Martin

Flares up every once in a while.

Niles

Frasier has a... man problem.

Frasier

Shut up, ya nit!

Ronee

Hey, thank God for antibiotics, huh? I'll be right back and then you wanna go out and get some ribs?

Martin

Oh, sounds great.

Martin

Well, I'm not tellin' her. You heard what she said about her mother.

Niles

Dad, you're not going to be able to keep this from her.

Martin

Well, watch me.

Frasier

And how are you going to explain the fact that you can't eat ribs tonight? Or the new medication that you're on? Or the fact that you can't have sex for the next two weeks?

Martin

Who says?

Frasier

It's on the list!

Niles

What little picture is next to that one?

Frasier

Dad, listen, uh, if she's not able to handle something like this, isn't it better if you know now?

Ronee

Okay, Marty, let's go pig out.

Frasier

Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you? Good seeing you again, Ronee.

Ronee

Yeah, you too. I'm glad you're feeling better.

Frasier

Sorry?

Ronee

You know, your man problem.

Frasier

Keep laughing and you're gonna have a man problem.

Martin

You know, I'm not that hungry right now. Do you mind if we just sit for a while?

Ronee

No, that's fine. You want me to go get you a beer?

Martin

No. So, uh, good weather over there in Spokane?

Ronee

God, no. It rained the entire time. I basically just sat there and made boring small talk with my mother. God, I hate small talk.

Martin

Oh, tell me. Rained here some, too.

Niles

I don't know. I just hope it doesn't scare her off.

Frasier

Maybe she might surprise us.

Niles

Does Ronee ever... spend the night here?

Frasier

Yeah, on occasion.

Niles

Well, good. 'Cause there's some underwear in here that I was really hoping didn't belong to Dad.

Niles

Oh, look at this: Dad was right. We're camping and we're having fun. Look how happy we are.

Frasier

No, the car's packed. We're leaving. God, what pains we were. Didn't want to get our hands dirty, didn't want to go fishing, didn't want to sleep on the ground. But he kept taking us, year after year, just so he could spend time with us.

Niles

And frighten us to death with stories of hook-armed slashers.

Frasier

You know, no matter how frightened I got, as soon as Dad started laughing again I knew that everything was safe. You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.

Niles

Me neither. And I don't want my child to miss knowing him. Who else is going to teach him how to catch a football ball?

Frasier

You know, eleven years ago when he moved in here, I couldn't imagine a bigger infringement on my life. Now, I can't imagine my life without him.

Niles

It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair and know that Dad wasn't here anymore.

Frasier

Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately.

Martin

So, you made the trip on one tank of gas? Wow.

Ronee

Yeah, that was really one for the books. Okay, Marty, what's going on?

Martin

What?

Ronee

Well, I feel like you've got something on your mind that you're not telling me.

Martin

No, I don't. It's just... Boy, this is hard. I'm just nervous about what you're gonna to say.

Ronee

Marty, just...

Martin

Yesterday, I had a mild, very mild, cardiac event.

Ronee

A what?

Martin

I had a little heart attack.

Ronee

And that's it?

Martin

What do you mean, "that's it"? I had a heart attack, for God's sake!

Ronee

Well, no surgery, home the next day, that's a bee sting. Did they use the paddles?

Martin

No.

Ronee

Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles.

Martin

You had the paddles?

Ronee

All right, let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy, okay?

Martin

Well, I'm sorry it's not dramatic enough for you.

Ronee

Look, after all that build up, I just thought it would be something bigger, all right? Like you were gonna break up with me or pop the question or something. And FYI, the next time you're in the hospital, I would appreciate a phone call if it's not too much trouble.

Martin

Fine! And FYI I'm not breakin' up with you.

Ronee

Well, I know that now.

Martin

And if I was gonna do that other thing, it wouldn't be here.

Ronee

What other thing?

Martin

Pop the question.

Ronee

Oh.

Martin

It'd be someplace romantic, for God's sake. Uh... tablecloths!

Ronee

Nice.

Martin

Damn right it'd be nice. So?

Ronee

So, what?

Martin

So what would you have said?

Ronee

Well, how should I know? You didn't ask me.

Martin

Well, so say I am now.

Ronee

What?

Martin

Asking you.

Ronee

Well, are you or are aren't you?

Martin

I am.

Ronee

Okay then.

Martin

Okay. Okay what?

Ronee

Okay I will.

Martin

Yeah?

Ronee

Yeah.

Martin

Okay.

Ronee

Okay.

Frasier

Oh, maybe Dad's right. I am getting stuck in my ways. I like the way things are, I don't want them to change.

Niles

Well, don't worry, he's not going anywhere for a while.

Martin

Hey guys, guess what? I'm gettin' married!

Ronee

Well, come on boys, give your ol' mom a kiss!