Coots and Ladders
Aired March 16, 2004 · Written by Heide Perlman · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier
[frantically] Oh, Niles! Thank God you've come quickly. I've been going mad.
Niles
This better be a real emergency, Frasier. You pulled me away from the Gifted Infants Toy Expo.
Frasier
Yes, yes, you missed out on buying a Tickle Me Tolstoy doll. Niles, my problem is more important than that. You see, I've... [desperately] oh, dear God. Niles, I've committed a crime!
Niles
Don't tell me. You forgot to send the opera board a thank you note for the Christmas brickle.
Frasier
By God, man, it's a real crime! Punishable by law!
Niles
By law?
Frasier
Of the United States of America.
Niles
Good heavens, what have you done?
Frasier
I'll tell you. But before you judge me, Niles, please, remember how much stress I've been under lately.
Niles
Of course. Tell me everything, leave nothing out.
Frasier
All right. It was a dark and stormy day...
Niles
You can leave that out.
Frasier
All right. It was an average day, marred only by a persistent cough caused by a barista's over-nutmegging my machiatto.
Frasier
Go ahead, Babette, what can I do for you?
Babette
[v.o.] Well, Dr. Crane. For about a year now, I've been stealing. I get these uncontrollable urges to take things.
Frasier
Such as? [He begins to cough and try to stifle it.]
Babette
All kinds of things. Magazines from stores, a friend's sunglasses... things I don't even want.
Frasier
I see, um... [clearing his throat] Go on.
Babette
It's so unlike me. I mean, my friends think I'm dull. They all say "Babette, you're like an old shoe." But stealing is so exciting. It's really the only time I feel alive.
Frasier
Well, it sound to me like you have a classic case of klepto... [wheezing cough, strained] klepto...
Roz
Kleptomania. Hi, Babette, this is Roz. And if Dr. Crane weren't hacking up a hairball, I'm sure he would tell you that this thrill you get from stealing makes up for an emptiness in your life.
Roz
That's the problem you really need to address. So you should seek counseling, or at least find a support group.
Frasier
Yes, and may I add...
Roz
She's gone and we're out of time.
Frasier
Oh, well then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying "Good day, Seattle," and "Good mental health."
Roz
Are you okay? I haven't heard so much coughing since I was backstage at Reggae Sunsplash.
Frasier
Well... [clears throat] ...I'm fine, Roz, thank you. Thank you so much. Your advice was spot on.
Roz
It should be. I've heard you say the same stuff for ten years now. "Confront your emotions," "communicate," "seek counseling."
Frasier
I didn't realize my advice had become so predictable.
Roz
Well, it's not your fault everyone calls with the same dumb-ass problems.
Frasier
They're not the same problems. What about that--that caller last week, the sleepwalking transvestite who kept breaking off his heels in sewer grates?
Roz
Yeah, I remember him. You told him to seek counseling.
Frasier
[indignant] Yes, I also told him to wear flats. Oh, oh, did maintenance remember to bring me that hammer I asked for?
Roz
Oh, yeah, right here. [She grabs a hammer.] What do you need it for?
Frasier
[taking the hammer] Some imbecile's been parking in my spot despite several strongly worded notes I have left on his windshield. The time has come for me to take matters into my own hands.
Niles
[v.o.] My God, Frasier, so that's what you did!
Niles
In an uncontrollable rage over the commandeering of your parking space, you took hammer to car!
Niles
[v.o.] You are a vandal!
Frasier
It was nothing like that!
Frasier
[v.o.] My "Reserved" sign was a-dangle. I used the hammer to tack it back on.
Willa
Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize this spot was reserved.
Frasier
[angrily] So all those notes that I left... [seeing her] must have... blown away. [shaking her hand] Uh, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Willa
Yes.
Frasier
So you know my show?
Willa
It's on your sign. Willa Haver. I'm so sorry. My assigned spot is on the roof, and with the rain and everything...
Frasier
Oh, no, no it's perfectly understandable, and now that I know that this is your Audi, let me be the first to say [grinning] "Audi, neighbor!"
Niles
And that's when she took the hammer and put you out of your misery?
Frasier
That would have been preferable.
Frasier
You know, perhaps in the spirit of détente, I could, uh, buy you some coffee?
Willa
Oh, well, that is so sweet of you, but I can't right now.
Frasier
Oh, well, perhaps tomorrow?
Willa
Uh, no tomorrow's no good either.
Frasier
Next week, perhaps?
Willa
Next week, uh, I'll be out of town.
Frasier
You know, I'm-I'm not sure if we're having a devil of a time coordinating our schedules or you're just giving me a polite brush-off.
Frasier
[as she gets in her car, dejectedly] OK, now I'm sure.
Frasier
My morning's travails aside, Niles, you'll be happy to know I didn't strike out with every woman I encountered today.
Opal
Frasier. I heard the elevator, and I thought, "I bet that's Frasier," and it is.
Frasier
How are you, Mrs. Magrini?
Opal
Oh, just grand, and how many times do I have to ask you to call me Opal? You make me feel like an old woman.
Frasier
[uncomfortably] Opal, then. Lovely to see you again.
Opal
[not taking his strong hints] Some weather!
Frasier
[patiently] Yes, it's just awful.
Opal
Oh! It's blowing a gale.
Frasier
Yes, it's quite a storm.
Opal
And colder than a well-digger's wallet.
Frasier
Yes, that's quite apt.
Opal
I wonder if I could ask a favor.
Opal
I know you're probably as busy as an ant farm, but do you think you could change a light bulb for me? The last time I tried, I fell off the ladder, and I lay on my back like...
Frasier
Like a helpless turtle?
Opal
No, like a half-hour till the ambulance came.
Frasier
[nodding it off] Well, uh, let me just get out of these wet shoes, and I'll be right over.
Opal
Oh, great. I'll make some tea and cookies. We always have such lively conversations.
Frasier
[veiled sarcasm] Yes, we're reviving a lost art.
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Daphne
Hello.
Martin
Some weather, huh?
Frasier
[irritated] Yes, it's raining. I've just gone over that with Mrs. Magrini.
Ronee
Hey, come look at these pictures from our engagement party.
Martin
Yeah, that camera you gave us is terrific.
Frasier
What, is that the camera I gave you ten years ago? I can't believe you've never used it before.
Martin
Shows you what you know. Turns out half the shots on this roll were taken the night you gave it to me.
Daphne
Niles, come and look at these old pictures.
Niles
[v.o.] Yes, and then we all looked at the pictures!
Niles
I remember it as if it were four hours ago.
Frasier
I am coming to my point!
Daphne
Oh, Martin, look at you. Sitting in your chair all sour and grumpy.
Ronee
You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
Niles
[taking the photo] Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.
Daphne
[showing Niles a photo] Why are you all hunched over in this one?
Niles
[uncomfortably] Uh...
Daphne
You were looking at my bum, weren't you?
Niles
Oh, heavens, no!
Daphne
Oh, it's all right, Niles, we're married now.
Niles
All right, yes. I might once in a moment of weakness have permitted myself a fleeting glance.
Niles
Or twice.
Niles
[giving in] Many, many times.
Daphne
It's all about the rear with you, isn't it?
Niles
Oh, no, darling...
Daphne
[interrupting] No, seriously...
Daphne
What color are my eyes?
Niles
[uncomfortable] Um...
Daphne
You're looking at it again, aren't you?
Niles
No, I...
Martin
[nostalgically] Boy, you look at these pictures, you can really see how far we've all come.
Ronee
Oh, I'll say, you were such an old sourpuss and [to Niles] you with the crypt keeper there, and [to Frasier] you... well, God, you haven't changed a bit. You're even wearing the same jacket that you wore in this picture.
Frasier
[looking at the photo] Hardly the same, I've had it relined.
Frasier
I don't mind telling you, Niles. What happened next was particularly galling.
Niles
I remember exactly what happened, and I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
Niles
[peacefully] Our lives are so complete.
Martin
[contentedly] We really are lucky.
Frasier
Oh, please, that's not how it happened at all!
Niles
[Daphne in his arm, tauntingly] Our lives are so complete!
Martin
[nyah-nyah!] We really are lucky!
Daphne
Well, come on, Niles, we should be heading off to the baby show.
Niles
Oh, right.
Daphne
If we're lucky, we might get a lead on a nanny.
Martin
Oh, well you know, there are ads in the back of that Seattle Weekly.
Ronee
Just make sure you look in the right section. If she says she's got her own toys and is willing to spank, she may not be a nanny.
Niles
Don't tell me! In your desperation over being the only Crane man not to find love, you picked up that paper and did the unthinkable!
Frasier
Tawny LaRue, I presume.
Frasier
I did no such thing, you nit! [beating him with the paper] And I am telling this story!
Niles
Very slowly! I'm beginning to think you didn't do anything!
Frasier
All right, I'm getting to it! Now you'll recall, I promised to change my neighbor's light bulb.
Niles
Oh, God...
Opal
Here we are!
Frasier
[looking at a statue] I was just admiring your bust.
Opal
[taking "bust" differently] Thank you!
Frasier
It might look nice a little higher.
Opal
It might look nice a lot higher, but heck, I'm 83. Anyway, I can't thank you enough for coming to my rescue.
Frasier
Yes, it's lucky you ran into me in the hall.
Opal
Oh, I knew that would be you coming out of the elevator. If there's one thing I can count on, it's old Frasier's routine, unchanging as Granddad's whiskers.
Opal
There's old Frasier off to work. There's old Frasier coming home. There's old Frasier off to work. There's old Frasier...
Frasier
Yes, "old Frasier" gets the idea.
Opal
That's why I gave you my spare key. I knew if there was ever an emergency, I could count on you. Oh, we should have our tea. My date's picking me up in twenty minutes.
Frasier
How marvelous you're still dating.
Opal
Well, I think an active social life keeps you young. So what are you doing this evening?
Frasier
I thought I'd stay in with a good book.
Opal
[with a patronizing smile] Ah, isn't that nice? How you're so cozy in your routine. Ha ha, you're like an old shoe, Frasier.
Frasier
[haunted] That's when I snapped!
Niles
You didn't! You bludgeoned her horribly with that bust!
Frasier
No, you insane twit!
Opal
You're like an old shoe, Frasier, now come have some tea.
Frasier
[v.o. from his conversation with Niles] I suddenly flashed on my caller, Babette. Before I knew what I was doing, I impulsively pocketed something that belonged to her.
Frasier
[v.o., haunted, menacingly] I stole, Niles! Like some craven thief. And I've never felt more alive!
Frasier
You can't imagine the thrill I felt as I sat there sipping her inferior tea and eating her excellent cookies, all the while fingering the stolen object in my pocket.
Frasier
[again with the menacing tone] And then how coolly I walked out, scot-free, the old bird none the wiser.
Niles
What's in there?
Frasier
Some sort of decorative medallion.
Niles
Well, it's pretty clear what happened. The depressing series of events today led you to conclude that you're in a rut. Your spontaneous transgression generated the excitement that you so desperately wanted.
Frasier
Any Caribbean-trained Psych student could tell me that!
Niles
Well, if you didn't want my diagnosis, why did you call me here?
Frasier
Because I am plagued by guilt. I have to return this box before it's discovered missing.
Niles
[wary] Why did you call me here?
Frasier
I need your help, Niles. I have her key. I know she's out. We can put this back and be done with it.
Niles
But I don't want to. I have excitement in my life.
Frasier
Please! I can't trust myself to be alone. I am caught in the grip of this mania! Who knows what I might steal next?
Niles
You took a little box! I hardly think you're going to run off on a crime spree.
Frasier
Oh, really?
Niles
[rising] Thief!
Frasier
[menacing again] That's right! I took it, and I liked it! [pleading] Please, please, Niles!
Niles
I don't want to get involved.
Frasier
Fine, I'll do it myself. Here, hold this for me.
Niles
[takes it] Why?
Frasier
[snatches it back] Now your prints are on it, too. You have to help me!
Niles
Fiend!
Frasier
Admit it, Niles. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Don't you feel the tingle running down your spine?
Niles
In a minute, it's going to be running down my inseam, hurry up.
Frasier
I've become a danger junkie. A cunning cat burglar with nerves of steel.
Frasier
Hide! Hide! Here, here, take this box!
Niles
No, no you've got a pocket.
Frasier
Put it...
Roland
All right. All right, everybody. Put down your gifts, give me your coats and I'll put them in the bedroom.
Sarah
Hello? Thank you! Okay, that was the doorman. Aunt Opal is on her way up! Everyone find a place to hide!
Sarah
All right, quiet everybody! I hear them!
Opal
Oh, my goodness! Thank you!
Opal
[seeing the Cranes] Frasier!
Sarah
Who are you?
Frasier
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, the next door neighbor, uh, and this is my brother Niles, uh, we just wanted to say Happy Birthday, Opal!
Opal
Thank you!
Roland
Did someone invite you?
Frasier
[quick on his feet] Uh, well, the news of this birthday has been just buzzing through the building. We wouldn't miss an opportunity to honor this wonderful lady.
Roland
Then how'd you get in here?
Frasier
We slipped in as the door was closing.
Roland
I could swear...
Opal
Stop grilling them, please, Roland! He thinks he has to grill everyone just because he's a district attorney.
Opal
Now, what would you like to drink?
Janelle
Champagne!
Frasier
Oh, well, we really can't stay.
Opal
Oh, you can stay a few minutes. You don't want to hurt my feelings.
Janelle
[to Niles] Here, let me take your coat.
Niles
Oh, my coat, no, I'd really rather you... [it's too late, as she has removed the coat] Uh, okay.
Janelle
[holding the coat] Oh, my God!
Niles
What, what?
Janelle
You're Dr. Frasier Crane!
Janelle
Here, take this, Roland. I love your show!
Frasier
Oh...
Janelle
It's going to be so exciting to have a celebrity here when we take Aunt Opal's picture with her medal!
Frasier
Oh.
Niles
[frightened] Medal?!
Janelle
She won the bronze at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
Frasier
Oh.
Janelle
So what's it like being a huge radio star?
Frasier
[always making time for a fan] Well...
Niles
[subdued panic] Frasier!
Frasier
Yes, yes, in a minute, Niles. Actually, I don't really think of myself as a star so much as a healer. The important thing is to listen...
Niles
Frasier?
Frasier
Yes, not now, Niles.
Niles
[with feigned excitement and deeper meaning] Frasier, they're going to take her picture with her medal!
Frasier
Yes, I heard that. [then, he really DOES hear it] Oh, dear. Uh, excuse me just a moment.
Frasier
[under his breath] You have got to get that medal out of your coat.
Niles
Why don't you get it?
Frasier
I'm a celebrity. They're watching my every move. Go on.
Sarah
Aunt Opal, tell Dr. Crane the story about how you refused to shake Hitler's hand when he gave you that medal.
Frasier
Oh!
Opal
It looked sweaty, that's all.
Florence
Who are you?
Niles
It's just a dream.
Florence
Then why aren't you Harry Truman?
Opal
Where's my cake? I'm ready for the cake!
Roland
No, not until we take the family picture, Mother.
Niles
[softly, to Frasier] I got it.
Opal
Well, then let's take the darned picture. Roland, get my medal down.
Roland
Where is it?
Opal
Same place it always is, unless it's grown legs like a tadpole and hopped away.
Frasier
We have got to get that medal up there!
Niles
What do you mean "we?"
Frasier
You're right. Bad plan. You've got to get it up there. All right, top shelf, right of the sconce. [to the guests] You know, before we take the picture, I have a little story I'd like to tell that just may rival that Hitler tale.
Frasier
The place...was right here. The time...was this afternoon. Opal had just set out a lovely service of tea and a plate of sweets. I remember there were three cookies sitting on the plate, and I reached for... [with meaning] the LEFT one. Not the CENTER one, the LEFT one, and just at the same moment, Opal reached for the very same cookie, and, oh, what did you say? Oh, it was priceless.
Opal
I said, "You take it."
Frasier
Hah! Right off the top of her head.
Roland
What are you doing?
Niles
I, uh...
Frasier
Uh, I can tell from the panic in my brother's voice that he must have seen a spider. You see, he has a crippling fear of spiders, and it sent him up the ladder.
Niles
Yes, I hate spiders.
Sarah
I didn't see a spider. Come back down.
Frasier
No!
Roland
Why not?
Frasier
Because he also has a crippling fear of heights. This may be just the breakthrough we've been looking for. Higher, Niles! Conquer your fear!
Frasier
Please, everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to turn around, as his fear of crowds has set in.
Sarah
Crowds, too?
Frasier
Yes, you are looking at that rarest of beasts, the arachno-acro- agoraphobe. Please, avert your eyes.
Frasier
This is the most difficult part of the process. I am using a technique known as behavioral exposure therapy. Climb higher, Niles. Ever higher, conquer your fear!
Janelle
Wow, Frasier Crane in action!
Frasier
No, please, no peeking! You don't want to cause a setback.
Frasier
Everybody freeze! This is the moment of truth. I haven't done this since my days in med school.
Frasier
Hurrah! He's done it! He's conquered all three!
Opal
What are you doing?
Frasier
Well, you as an athlete should know the time-honored tradition of hoisting the victor on one's shoulders.
Opal
They never did that to me.
Frasier
Well, you finished third, didn't you? Now if you'll excuse me. I've got to journal all this while it's still fresh. Good night, everyone!
Frasier
Oh! Good Lord, I should have dipped. I tell you...
Frasier
So sorry.
Frasier
Oh, hey, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here. Where's Ronee?
Martin
Oh, she's in bed waiting for me. Hey, Fras, you know what, she can't see a thing without her contacts. Why don't we play a little joke on her? You tiptoe in...
Frasier
No, Dad, I'll pass.
Martin
Still looking at those old pictures, huh?
Frasier
Yeah.
Martin
It's funny, isn't it?
Frasier
What?
Martin
How suddenly your whole life can change. I never would've dreamed back then that I'd end up getting married again, at my age, and to someone so young and full of pep.
Frasier
I'm very happy for you and Ronee.
Martin
That's the way it is. Just when you think that you're in a rut, and nothing exciting will ever happen to you again, Pow! That's when it does.
Frasier
Maybe you're right.
Martin
I know I'm right. Good night, Fras.
Frasier
Good night, Dad.
Martin
You know, you could put on my robe and a little bit of my Aqua Velva...
Frasier
Good night, Dad.