Match Game
Aired March 30, 2004 · Written by Bob Daily · Directed by Katy Garettson
Skyline
A silver dirigible floats above the skyline.
Daphne
And one of those cinnamon buns, please — extra frosting.
Niles
Oh, here they are.
Cindy
We were so excited when you guys asked us out. You're like the A-list couple in Lamaze class.
Niles
Oh well, that's good to hear. We were afraid we were in the "C-section."
Brad
We bring our own food everywhere. Cindy doesn't put anything unhealthy in her body. No refined sugar, white flour or gluten. I'm sure you're the same.
Daphne
Oh, of course.
Waitress
Cinnamon bun.
Daphne
Oh, no thank you, I'm pregnant.
Waitress
But you said-
Daphne
I said no!
Cindy
Sweetie, this is your best yam loaf yet. [to Niles and Daphne] He's a saint. He cooks my food, rubs cocoa butter on my belly...
Brad
I just wish I could go through the birth for her.
Brad
Hey, what are you guys doing with your placenta?
Cindy
Ours will nourish the roots of a special tree we plant in our yard.
Brad
Well, we live in an apartment. Although that ficus in the study is looking a tad droopy.
Cindy
By the way, if you need a doula-
Brad
Cindy, I'm sure they already have one. Everybody has a doula. Ours is a treasure. She'll be there through the whole delivery. Focusing our energies, giving us emotional support — I don't know how people do it without one.
Cindy
She's really helped Brad. He's having a really tough sympathy pregnancy.
Brad
[rubs his stomach] Oh, boy.
Cindy
Honey?
Brad
I'm just... I'm feeling a little sick again, I'm sorry. I just need some air.
Cindy
We're so in sync. He feels everything I'm feeling: nausea, weight gain, food cravings.
Niles
Well, you know, in psychological terms, that's called Couvade Syndrome.
Cindy
[shrugs] We just call it love.
Niles
I don't like them.
Daphne
They're getting so much more out of this than we are. We don't even have a placenta plan!
Niles
No, wait — let's not panic. All we need is expert help. We'll hire one of those doula people. I'll get the number from Brad.
Brad
Sorry, sorry. Oh, this pregnancy is taking it out of me. [rubs his nipples] Oh, my breasts are so tender today.
Niles
[jumps on the bandwagon] You know what? I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous.
Charlotte
Hi! Welcome to Charlotte's Web: a matchmaking service. Come in!
Frasier
Well, I'm-I'm sorry, isn't this...? Oh, I see what happened. I must have been so engrossed in my paper I went right past my floor.
Charlotte
Of course. It can be a little embarrassing to admit you need help in the romance department, please come in.
Frasier
No, this was a mistake.
Charlotte
I understand. [more insistent] Come in.
Frasier
Trust me, you are comically incorrect. I do not need a matchmaker.
Charlotte
So you're married?
Frasier
No.
Charlotte
Dating someone?
Frasier
I date plenty. In fact, I often need the proverbial stick one uses to beat women off... with. I... [rallies] I believe my point is made. [turns back to the elevator]
Charlotte
[holds out a] Why don't you just take my card?
Frasier
I don't need your card.
Charlotte
In case you change your mind.
Frasier
I won't change my mind.
Charlotte
For a friend.
Frasier
I have no friends. [realizes] ...who are in need of your services. You see, I am a bit of a local celebrity, so I have no trouble getting dates. [calls the elevator]
Charlotte
Really?
Frasier
Yes.
Charlotte
What's your name?
Frasier
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Charlotte
Oh! [then] Sorry, doesn't ring any bells.
Ellie
Frasier Crane?
Frasier
Why, yes it is.
Ellie
Well, my God, what are you doing here?
Frasier
Well, actually, I have an office one floor down.
Ellie
Really?
Frasier
Yes.
Ellie
I'm on 18.
Frasier
Oh well, why don't I ride up with you? I could use the exercise.
Frasier
Bye-bye.
Ellie
It's so funny seeing you here.
Frasier
It's funny for you, delightful for me. It's always nice to meet a fan, especially one so attractive.
Ellie
You don't remember me?
Frasier
Yes, of course I remember you! It's you. Hey, you.
Ellie
I can't believe you don't remember. We dated — three times!
Frasier
...Jennifer.
Ellie
Ellie.
Frasier
Ellie! [elevator stops] Oh well, here's your floor. Nice catching up with you.
Ellie
Oh, brushing me off - that sounds familiar.
Ellie
Oh, not that I'm surprised you forgot me. You spent every day talking about yourself, and then, after we slept together...
Frasier
[stumbling out] I'm so sorry. Sorry...
Ellie
But you could've CALLED me!
Frasier
Sorry! Again, so sorry.
Frasier
And so it seems I have dated every woman in Seattle! The well is dry. The cupboard is bare. There are no more fish in the sea. Meanwhile my dad is engaged, my brother is expecting his first child, while I am left to spin aimlessly on the dating hamster wheel.
Charlotte
You like your metaphors, don't you? Well, don't worry, Frasier. Somewhere in Seattle there's a woman you haven't pissed off, and I'm gonna find her.
Frasier
You seem awfully sure of yourself.
Charlotte
I am. I've successfully matched hundreds of couples. So...
Charlotte
What kind of woman are you looking for? And don't just say smart, sexy, and sophisticated.
Frasier
Why, don't you have any of those?
Frasier
All right. Well, it's hard to say what I want. It's been so long since I've really fallen for someone. You know that feeling you get after a first date, when you can't even sleep? You just lie there in bed awake, thinking about her. That's what I want.
Charlotte
You're going to make me work for my money, aren't you? Uh, by the way, I do require a payment up-front.
Frasier
Oh, of course.
Charlotte
My fee's $10,000.
Frasier
[after a beat] That's awfully steep.
Charlotte
And those ten years of bad dates, how much did they run you?
Frasier
[after another beat] I'll write you a check.
Frasier
So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
Roz
Hm. You fudged a little bit on your answers, right?
Frasier
No, of course not. Why would I?
Roz
Because nobody's honest on those things. There's a code people use. Like "mature" means old, "athletic" means flat- chested, and, uh... oh, "not model thin" means circus fat.
Frasier
Well, gosh. She's already sent me out on a date this evening. But I assure you, I am more interested in personality than looks.
Roz
Did you see a photo at least?
Frasier
Well, of course I saw a photo. She's got a personality you can bounce a quarter off of.
Roz
So where you taking her?
Frasier
Claret - I intend to take all subsequent dates there as well. That way I can compare them objectively, you see. As the woman will be the only variable. It's basic science!
Roz
Yeah, that's been your dating problem — not enough science.
Daphne
Hey, you two!
Niles
We can only chat for a moment. We're meeting our doula.
Frasier
Oh, yes. Your doula.
Roz
Anybody need anything? I'm getting more coffee.
Daphne
Oh, no thanks, we brought fennel tea and some healthy snacks to nibble on.
Frasier
Oh, peanut butter and carrots. Looks like somebody has pregnancy cravings.
Niles
Yes, I just can't help myself. [reaches for some]
Frasier
Oh dear, Niles — Couvade Syndrome?
Niles
We just call it love.
Frasier
Yes, well... I have a date. I've signed up with a matchmaking service.
Niles
Wait, Frasier, a matchmaker? I'm surprised you'd use a professional for something as personal as your love life.
Frasier
Well, I could say the same thing about you and your doula.
Niles
Well, our professional comes highly recommended.
Frasier
So does mine.
Niles
Well, our professional is at the top of her field.
Frasier
As is mine.
Niles
[while Daphne looks weary] Well, our professional charges $200 an hour.
Frasier
Mine charges 10,000!
Niles
[taken aback] She sounds fantastic! Congratulations, Frasier.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. Wish me luck!
Niles
Good luck. [still impressed] Wow.
Harvest
[ethereal voice] Daphne and Niles?
Niles
Oh, you must be Harvest.
Daphne
So nice to meet you. [Roz comes back] Oh, this is our friend Roz.
Roz
Hi.
Harvest
[hands to Niles] A resume detailing my 15 years of experience, plus a syllabus for further reading.
Niles
Well, I am "doula impressed."
Harvest
Now, on page five you'll find details about my support staff. There's a masseuse, a shaman of course, and a drummer. He used to tour with the Doobie Brothers. Very talented.
Niles
My, sounds expensive. I can't wait to tell Frasier.
Harvest
And of course I insist on a drug-free birthing environment-
Roz
Whoa, back up. No drugs?
Harvest
Oh, I want Daphne to be awake and connected to the moment. A natural childbirth needn't be painful.
Roz
It needn't be, but it be.
Daphne
How painful?
Roz
Would you have a tooth pulled without Novocaine?
Daphne
[afraid] No.
Roz
Well, a tooth is this big. [measures with her fingers]
Harvest
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to be emotionally present for the birth of your baby. [rises and takes back her papers] But I see that you just want somebody to dope you up, strap you down, and yank it out.
Niles
[rises] Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, don't go.
Daphne
Yes, our friend was just leaving. [glares at Roz]
Roz
All right. [gets up] You're right, I'm sorry. This is a private matter. [strokes Daphne's head supportively] You need to do what's right for you.
Daphne
Ow!
Roz
Times a million.
Frasier
Here we are.
Date 1
Thank you.
Frasier
There's something wonderful about first dates, isn't there? [the waiter hands them their menus] Oh, thank you very much. That tingle of anticipation as two perfect strangers march toward endless vistas of possibility.
Date 1
Well put, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh well, thank you.
Frasier
And what do you do?
Date 1
I'm a science teacher.
Frasier
Ah, serendipity. I'm a science man myself. I suppose that's why Charlotte got the two of us together. Well then, what's your field?
Date 1
Well, my field is biology, but my specialty is creationism.
Frasier
Oh well, I find that... excuse me?
Date 1
You know, they're only in first grade, so they don't understand everything. But Brother William, he's our leader, he likes us to get them started young before they get their minds warped by all that fossil nonsense.
Frasier
Well, you know, I-I realize that Darwin had his detractors, but to call it nonsense seems a bit cavalier, don't you think?
Date 1
[leans back] Oh, dear. You're one of those. [Frasier looks confused] You think we're descended from apes?
Frasier
Well, not recently, no.
Date 1
Do I look like an ape to you? Do I have hairy palms and a big hairy back?
Frasier
Would you like a drink?
Date 2
Oh yeah, bring it on. But I got to warn you — I'm a horny drunk. Last Spring in Cabo, I wake up one morning under a beach umbrella, stark naked, tequila bottle in one hand, and some guy's tightie-whities on my head!
Date 2
[to the mill] Whoa! Don't I know you from Cabo? [braying laugh] Remind you of anything? [laugh] You wish, right? [laugh]
Frasier
That's, uh, very amusing. So what do you do for a living?
Date 3
Well, right now I'm back in school. You see, I've loved animals my whole life...
Date 3
So I figured, why not really go for it, you know? So I'm going to become a taxidermist.
Date 3
Is something wrong?
Frasier
No. I was just, uh, admiring your ensemble.
Date 4
Thanks. I made it myself. You know, I have a lot of this fabric left. I could make you a shirt with a matching hat.
Frasier
Don't go to any trouble. Would you like some wine?
Date 5
Nah, the cops took my fake I.D., and my dad'll kill me if I get busted again. So what are you, like fifty?
Frasier
Something like that.
Frasier
[taut singsong] Well, I'm off.
Daphne
No, you can't. Our doula is coming specifically to meet you and your father.
Niles
She insists on knowing all the members of the baby's energy circle.
Martin
Oh, what kind of a kook is she anyway?
Niles
Harvest is not a kook. [starts rubbing his nipples] She's assisted at the birth of more than 600 babies — and two giant pandas.
Frasier
Well, she better get here quickly — I do have a date.
Niles
Another one?
Frasier
Yeah.
Niles
You're doing fairly well by this matchmaker.
Frasier
Oh, hardly. [drops his coat] A monkey throwing darts at the Seattle phone book would find me a better mate. Hell, a dart- throwing monkey would be a better mate.
Martin
Why don't you fire her?
Frasier
Don't think I haven't considered it. If tonight's a bust, I'm going to demand my money back.
Frasier
Niles, have you gained weight?
Niles
Yes, but you know, you always put on a lot with your first baby. The hardest part is the mood swings.
Martin
Geez Niles, don't you think you're taking this sympathetic pregnancy thing too far?
Niles
I'm simply giving in to the primal cycle of... [sinks down onto the couch gratefully] life. I have no control over it.
Frasier
In that case, get off my Chanel couch before your water breaks.
Frasier
Oh, hello. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Harvest
Harvest Finkleman, delighted. [raises her hand, but does not shake his]
Frasier
Oh. Well, I'm sorry, I can't stay. Niles and Daphne you know of course, and this is my dad. Martin Crane, Ms. Finkleman- Delighted.
Harvest
Nice to meet you, Martin.
Martin
Likewise.
Harvest
So are you planning to participate in your grandchild's birth?
Martin
Oh no, I'm kind of old school. Clean the kid up, slap a bow on her head, then call me in.
Harvest
Oh! Guess who had their baby — Brad and Cindy?
Niles
[overcome, high-pitched with crying] Oh, I'm so happy for them!
Daphne
He gets very emotional lately.
Harvest
It was a beautiful experience. I made a tape if you'd like to see it.
Martin
[lifting his paper] I would like to NOT see it.
Niles
No, no! This would be good for us, play it.
Harvest
[hands the tape to Daphne] It was an 18-hour labor.
Harvest
This should be about two hours into it.
Niles
I'm so excited. Daphne, I can't wait until this is us.
Harvest
[enraptured] Oh, look at Cindy glow!
Cindy
[on TV] Mother of God, just kill me! [scream]
Daphne
[nervously] She seems like she's in a little pain. [scream]
Harvest
Oh, pain is just fear leaving the body.
Martin
[staring at the TV] That's a boatload of fear. [scream]
Cindy
STOP THAT DAMN DRUM BEFORE I PUT YOUR HEAD THROUGH IT! [scream]
Harvest
She laughed at that afterwards. [scream]
Daphne
I've seen enough.
Harvest
Wait, wait! You'll see how Cindy pushes through the pain.
Daphne
I'm not pushing through anything. I'm having my baby the way God intended — in a hospital, numb from the waist down.
Daphne
Now, take your incense and your woo-woo stick and get out.
Daphne
And you, stop acting pregnant — you're a man, for God's sakes.
Frasier
Charlotte, where's my date?
Charlotte
I am so sorry. She just called, she had to cancel.
Frasier
That does it.
Charlotte
No, we'll find another evening.
Frasier
No, Charlotte, we will not. You have sent me on enough miserable dates, thank you. Before you fix me up with a doll-collecting war criminal, or a hashish-smoking burger flipper, I want out! And I want my money back.
Charlotte
Frasier, this...
Charlotte
This is a process. I have only sent you out on five dates. Do you cure your patients in five sessions?
Frasier
Well, no, but...
Charlotte
This client roster is filled with fascinating women. I just signed a new one this morning — botany professor, avid bicycle rider, very striking. But you know what? If you're going to be so impatient, then we should just end this now, I'll write you a check. [lifts her purse]
Frasier
Well, wait...
Charlotte
No, no, no, no, I'm sure you'll do much better on your own. With $10,000 you can download a lot of love.
Frasier
Well, let's not be too hasty. That striking, biking botanist sounded like me.
Charlotte
I don't know.
Frasier
Please?
Charlotte
Don't beg, it's a turn-off.
Charlotte
All right. Why don't I get us some drinks and then we can talk about our next move?
Frasier
Great.
Charlotte
He's a big radio star — smart, really sweet. So think about it. Here's my card.
Frasier
[comes up behind her] You lied to me. You have five clients. There is no roster of eligible women!
Charlotte
[snatches the binder back] You looked at my client log?
Frasier
Yes, I've seen your log, and I've dated every toad on it!
Woman
Is this the guy?
Charlotte
No, no, no, different guy. Call me.
Frasier
I think the police might be interested in this little scam of yours.
Charlotte
It is not a scam! I... I just didn't have time to put the other pictures in, and I will not work one second with someone who threatens me. I'll mail you a check.
Frasier
I'll save you the price of a stamp. I'll see you at your office tomorrow.
Charlotte
Fine. I'd say come alone, but that's a given.
Charlotte
[breaking down] Oh God! What a crappy, crappy day!
Frasier
Charlotte, are you okay?
Charlotte
I can't give you a check. I've already... I've already spent the money on rent, and food, and... and these shoes. [takes one off and hammers it on the floor] These stupid, stupid shoes!
Frasier
[helps her up] Come on now, it's okay.
Charlotte
No, it's not! Nothing's okay. I lied to you. I just started this business. But I'm really good at what I do! I used to run the biggest matchmaking business in Chicago — before I lost it to my rotten ex-husband in the divorce.
Frasier
Divorce? But you're wearing a wedding ring.
Charlotte
[holds up her hand] It's camouflage. It inspires confidence. I mean, nobody wants a matchmaker whose life's a mess - like me!
Charlotte
I'm divorced, my business is a joke, and I'm up to my ass in debt, and I had to move in with my mother. I am thirty-five years old, and I am living with my mother! How pathetic is that?
Frasier
[carefully] Well, I... I've seen worse. You mentioned something earlier about having a drink.
Charlotte
Oh, believe me, I will. If my mother hasn't finished the bottle.
Frasier
No, I meant here. [signals the waiter]
Charlotte
No, I really can't. I've got to get home. I have paperwork, I have calls to make...
Frasier
It's my treat.
Charlotte
["life preserver!"] Double Scotch.
Charlotte
So then I spent five soul-sucking years in advertising dreaming up slogans for Crunchios.
Frasier
"Crunchios are a munchy with your lunchy or your brunchy." That was you?
Charlotte
Yeah. I felt better about myself when I was pushing cigarettes. [Frasier laughs] Then one day, I fixed up my boss with my friend, and they ended up getting married.
Frasier
And thus a career was born.
Charlotte
What better way to make a living than by helping people be happy?
Frasier
So does your old boss toast you every year when he celebrates his anniversary?
Charlotte
Actually, he's a she now, and my friend's kind of bitter. But I got the hang of it after that. Well, until I lost the business and came here and moved in with my crazy-ass mother.
Frasier
For what it's worth, it will get easier living with her.
Charlotte
[laughs] Is that your professional opinion?
Frasier
Actually, it's a personal one. My dad lives with me.
Charlotte
No.
Frasier
Mm, 11 years.
Charlotte
Yikes.
Frasier
Yeah, yeah. It does take a while to adjust to each other before you're perfectly in sync.
Charlotte
How long did that take?
Frasier
I'll let you know.
Frasier
Ah, truth be told, I'm going to miss him when he moves out.
Charlotte
I was missing my mother when I was in Chicago. Now I just wish she was missing.
Charlotte
I didn't realize it was so late. [stands] Frank's waiting for me at home.
Frasier
[stands] Frank?
Charlotte
My boyfriend.
Frasier
Oh... serious?
Charlotte
Yes, but he has a fun-loving side, too.
Frasier
No, I meant the relationship. Do you lie awake nights thinking about him?
Charlotte
...A little. It's still new, but I have my fingers crossed.
Frasier
Well, good luck with it.
Charlotte
Thank you. [leans in] And if you'll let me, I'm going to find someone fantastic for you too, Frasier, because you deserve it.
Frasier
And because you have my $10,000.
Charlotte
Are you going to mention that every time you see me?
Frasier
[backing off] Well, all right...
Frasier
Damn.