Miss Right Now
Aired April 6, 2004 · Written by Ken Levineand David Isaacs · Directed by Scott Ellis
Ronee
Hey, you're up early. Rain wake you?
Frasier
Oh, no, just a little preoccupied.
Ronee
Well, if there's something on your mind you can tell me. Won't be long before I'm your mom.
Frasier
I was actually gonna tell you before you said that.
Ronee
[sitting] Oh, come on.
Frasier
Well, there's this woman I can't seem to get off of my mind. A woman with a boyfriend.
Ronee
Why don't you just get her drunk and see what happens?
Frasier
You are nothing like my mother.
Martin
Hey, Ronee, better get dressed. You can't look like that when she gets here.
Ronee
Oh, she not coming for another hour.
Frasier
Who?
Martin
Ronee's mother.
Ronee
Your grandmother.
Frasier
Stop that!
Martin
She's visiting with her church group from Spokane.
Ronee
Yeah, and if she sees me like dressed this she'd know that I spent the night and then she'd be carping about it the whole weekend.
Frasier
What, she doesn't approve of pre-marital sex?
Ronee
Judging by the diving bell she wore as a nightgown, she wasn't real big on post-marital sex either.
Martin
Plus, I'm startin' out with one strike against me.
Ronee
Mother still remembers a night he drove me home from babysitting you and Niles, thirty years ago...
Martin
Forty years ago.
Ronee
I'm telling this story. I was all weepy because this guy had just dumped me, and your father put his arm around me, just to be nice. And Mom saw it and she thought he was trying to rob me of my virtue.
Frasier
[getting up] Oh, that's crazy.
Ronee
I know, like there was anything left to rob.
Martin
Well, don't worry. It's been a long time since I've had to charm the mother of one of my girlfriends, but, believe me, it's a skill you don't lose.
Betty
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Oh, Mrs. Lawrence, how lovely to see you again. Ronee should be here any minute.
Betty
Yes, well, I'm a little early.
Frasier
Yes, there's no problem.
Betty
I'm not inconveniencing you?
Frasier
No, not at all.
Betty
I could come back later.
Frasier
I wouldn't think of it.
Betty
Well, then can I come in?
Frasier
Yes, yes of course. Where are my manners?
Frasier
Oh, let me take your coat.
Betty
Martin.
Martin
Hey, Ronee, we were just talkin'... wait. Mrs. Lawrence? Wow, you look wonderful! Ronee isn't here at the moment, so why don't I give you a little tour? We can start in the kitchen.
Betty
Still all hands I see.
Martin
Well, Mrs. Lawrence, kitchen's right here. You know, you look the same as you did the last time I saw you.
Betty
What are you saying? That I looked like this at forty?
Frasier
I'll get it!
Frasier
Wait! It's pouring rain outside.
Frasier
Why, look who's here. It's Ronee.
Frasier
Hey, you two.
Daphne
Hello.
Niles
Frasier! Whatever plans you have for this evening, cancel them. I'm taking you to a fantastic new restaurant.
Frasier
[sitting] Well, all right. Where are we going? Chez Paul? Kobu?
Daphne
Burger-Burger-Burger.
Frasier
Dear God, you're serious.
Niles
I know what you're thinking. Not two days ago I was just like you. Too good to walk into any one of their seventy-one convenient locations.
Daphne
Then I dragged him in there yesterday for lunch when I was craving a Bacon Cheese Burger-Burger-Burger. He liked it so much he insisted we try the Chick 'n' Bucket for dinner. I guess he's got the fast food bug.
Frasier
And which one would that be? E. coli?
Niles
Now, now, keep an open mind. After all, you've embraced the peasant cuisine of Italy and France, why shun the peasants in our own backyard?
Frasier
You've changed, Niles.
Daphne
[rising] He hasn't changed that much. He sent back his Big Slurp. Goodbye, Darling
Niles
'Bye, Darling.
Frasier
Thanks, Niles, but, you know, I think I'll pass. Spend a night in, curled up with a good book. I didn't get much sleep last night.
Roz
So, Frasier. What was going on with you at work today? You seemed a little distracted.
Frasier
I'm, I'm not really sure. I can't stop thinking about this woman I've met. It's my matchmaker, of all people.
Niles
Now, do you get a discount if the matchmaker sets you up with herself? Sort of a floor model sort of thing?
Roz
I thought you were kind of ticked off at her.
Frasier
Well, I was, and then we had dinner together last night. And, God, we were so comfortable with each other, it's like we've known each other for ages.
Roz
So ask her out.
Frasier
Oh, I can't. She's got a boyfriend. And, truth be told, I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with her, I barely even know her. Niles, listen, is it possible that this is just a case of transference?
Niles
Oh, interesting. Uh, hmm... a matchmaker's not unlike a therapist. You confide in them, seek guidance. It's only natural you'd develop a little crush on her.
Frasier
Yes, precisely! Now, how many times has a patient fallen for you?
Niles
You first.
Frasier
Oh, don't be such a baby. This is not a competition.
Niles
Eleven.
Frasier
Thirteen. You know, this is really a weight of my shoulders. It's just simple transference. Thank you, Niles.
Niles
[rising] Yes, well, I'm glad to be of help. You know, when I said eleven earlier, actually I...
Frasier
[laughing] Too late, Niles, off you go.
Frasier
Well, that's a relief.
Charlotte
Frasier!
Frasier
[rising] Charlotte. Hi, good to see you. Uh, I'd like you to meet, uh...
Roz
Roz.
Frasier
Yes, yes.
Roz
Frasier's producer.
Charlotte
Hi. [to Frasier] You know, that was fun last night.
Frasier
Yes it was. We should do it again sometime.
Charlotte
Oh, I'd love to. When I'm back in town. I'm going camping.
Frasier
I didn't realize you were an outdoorswoman.
Charlotte
I'm not. The last time I camped out it was for Van Halen tickets. But Frank loves it and I'll do anything once. Oh, would you mind watering my office plants while I'm away?
Frasier
I'd be glad to.
Charlotte
Oh, you're the best.
Charlotte
Here. Thanks. Anyone need a refill?
Frasier
No.
Roz
No thanks.
Roz
"Transference," my ass. You've got it bad.
Frasier
All right, what am I supposed to do?
Roz
Fight for her. I mean, who is this Frank guy?
Frasier
Oh, I don't know. Some kind of environmental activist.
Roz
That's your competition? Some tree-hugging geek? Come on, you're one of the most eligible bachelors in town - in your age range.
Frank
Charlotte.
Charlotte
Hi, honey.
Roz
You're screwed.
Charlotte
Frank, this is Frasier, the one I was telling you about.
Frasier
Hi.
Frank
Hi, how are you?
Frasier
Good, thank you.
Charlotte
And his producer, Roz.
Roz
Hi.
Frank
Hello.
Frasier
So, I understand you're going camping.
Frank
Yeah. I raised some eagle hatchlings when their mother was killed by a hunter and now we're going to go release them in the wild.
Roz
How can you tell when it's time?
Charlotte
Well, one of them ate his landlord's cat.
Roz
Oh.
Frasier
You know, if they're still hungry, my dad has a dog.
Frank
Hey, you're funny. You know, I know a lady who'd love your sense of humor. She's a ranger up at Mount Raineer. She comes down every couple of months for supplies if you'd like to meet her.
Frasier
Well, uh, thanks but, you know, I haven't had much luck with the women of the Parks Department.
Frasier
Wow, Roz, did you feel that? The entire room changed when we walked in. It's like animals in the wild sensing a predator had arrived.
Roz
Good, I like that you're confident.
Frasier
No, I was talking about you.
Roz
Okay, now look, this is the drill: I brought you here to get your mind off of Charlotte. Everyone's here for the same reason, so just pick someone and be yourself.
Frasier
Okay. What name should I use?
Kim
Excuse me, another cosmo, please.
Roz
Buy that drink.
Frasier
Right, faint heart never won fair...
Roz
Buy the drink!
Frasier
Right. Barkeep, uh, that one's on me. [to the woman] If you don't mind.
Kim
Mind? Why do you think I said it so loud?
Frasier
[to Roz] What do I do now?
Roz
Just don't be so nervous. And don't worry, I won't leave you until you make a connection.
Man
Hi.
Roz
Or I do.
Frasier
Uh, hi. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Kim
Kim. So, you're a doctor?
Frasier
Yes, I am. I have a small practice here in town and...
Kim
Do you do collagen? Because I could barter frequent flyer miles.
Frasier
No, I'm not that kind of doctor. I'm a psychiatrist.
Kim
Oh, you've probably got me figured out already.
Frasier
Oh, no. I haven't even got you on the couch yet.
Kim
Oh, my God!
Frasier
Oh, I'm sorry. That was too aggressive.
Kim
No, no, I had a fortune cookie this morning that said I was going to meet a doctor. I was afraid I was sick.
Frasier
Well, you look awfully healthy to me.
Kim
Oh, my God!
Frasier
Dear God, too aggressive again? I'm so sorry.
Kim
No, no. I love this song. Come on, Dr. Frasier, loosen up. I'm sorry, what's your first name again?
Kim
The first few months I was a wreck. We were engaged. At least, I was. But now, I know I'm ready to move on. [suggestively] Really, really ready.
Frasier
You know, it's kind of funny. I'm actually trying to get over someone myself, in a manner of speaking.
Kim
And you thought she was the one, right?
Frasier
Well, she may have been. I'm just trying to put her out of my mind, right now. I must say, you're proving to be a delightful distraction.
Kim
Well, that's not the nicest thing anybody's ever called me in a bar, but it's not the worst. This is fun. But, I'm kinda thinkin' that I'd like to go someplace a little less... crowded.
Frasier
Okay. Uh, well, thank you, I enjoyed our time together.
Kim
No, I meant someplace... a little more private.
Frasier
No, I understand completely. I take no offence.
Kim
Your place.
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes indeed. Well, should we go together to my place or...? Well, you must have your own car so I could give you directions or, well, we could drive together and then I could drive you back here or we could drive together and then you could get a cab back here...
Kim
I don't care how we get there, let's just get there!
Frasier
It's unlocked.
Niles
It's unsafe!
Frasier
Oh, dear God.
Niles
Anyone could walk in.
Frasier
What the hell are you two doing here?
Niles
Well, we came to cheer you up with some late night fast food.
Niles
If anything's gonna make you forget a woman, it's a big Double Juicy.
Daphne
Please, take it. If you don't, he will. I've created a monster. He's already had two chimichangas and a You Ain't Nothin' But a Corndog.
Niles
All for less than four dollars. Where has this food been all my life?
Frasier
On the end of a coroner's artery scraper! What the hell has happened to you? You've devoted your whole life to developing your standards, only to succumb to the fast, the cheap and the tasty.
Kim
Sorry, I turned the wrong way coming out of the elevator.
Kim
Oh, hello.
Frasier
Uh, Kim, this is my brother Niles and his wife Daphne. They were just leaving.
Kim
Charmed.
Niles
Hello.
Daphne
Nice to meet you.
Niles
Well, I see I have my big Double Juicy and you have yours.
Frasier
Yes, good night!
Kim
Did somebody here have a chimichanga?
Daphne
See, I told you. It's coming out of your pores.
Kim
Wow. Nice place. You really are a doctor.
Frasier
Yes. Would you like the tour?
Kim
I don't know. What do you want to show me?
Frasier
I don't know. Uh, what do you want to see?
Kim
What would you like me to see?
Frasier
Whatever you came here to see.
Kim
And what did I come here to see?
Frasier
Is there and end to this? Because I'm starting to feel redundant on my part.
Kim
Let's just have some fun
Frasier
You are delightfully single-minded. Would you care for some wine?
Kim
Sounds great.
Kim
We both had a rough time lately. How 'bout we go a little crazy tonight?
Frasier
I like the sound of that.
Kim
I've got a little outfit you might like.
Frasier
The littler it is, the more I like it!
Kim
I love it when I say something and then you say something funny.
Frasier
I tell you what, if you'd like to, you can change right in here.
Frasier
And, maybe I'll whip up a little surprise of my own.
Kim
Okay.
Kim
When I met you tonight, I had no idea what a bad boy you were.
Frasier
You know what bad boys need, don't you?
Kim
A spanking, right?
Frasier
That, or a good tongue-lashing.
Kim
[laughing] Hah, you did it again!
Betty
My goodness!
Martin
What's goin' on?
Frasier
I thought you were out for the evening. For God's sake...
Martin
We came back for dessert.
Ronee
Obviously you got a jump on us.
Frasier
This is horrible. I'm so sorry. I met, uh...
Kim
Kim.
Frasier
Kim at a bar earlier this evening, and obviously we hit it off.
Martin
All right, yeah, we get it. Uh, look, there's a little coffee shop on the corner, why don't we go there for desert?
Ronee
You may get away with this now, young man, but once I'm your mother...
Frasier
Oh, get out!
Frasier
I would say "Perhaps another time," but that outfit goes a long way towards recapturing the mood.
Kim
Good. Now why don't you just relax and I'll go find some ice for our wines.
Frasier
Oh, good heavens!
Frasier
Hello.
Charlotte
I'm sorry to bother you, I just need my house keys.
Frasier
I thought you were camping. Uh, come on in. Gosh, I'm sorry about the stench in the hall.
Charlotte
That would be me. I had a little run-in with a skunk. I thought I could scare him off if I threw my keys at him.
Frasier
Please, come on in.
Charlotte
You really don't want me to. As it is now, I'm going to have to sell my car. What is all over your chest?
Kim
Frasier, I... hello.
Charlotte
Okay, I got it.
Frasier
Sorry, Charlotte, this is Kim. Kim, this is Charlotte.
Kim
Boy, I've met more people in this apartment than I did at the bar.
Charlotte
I really didn't mean to interrupt. If I could get my keys and use your powder room really fast.
Frasier
Right, right. It's right here and I'll get those for you.
Frasier
Uh, Kim, I'm terribly sorry about this. I'm afraid it's just not going to work out for us tonight.
Kim
She's the one, isn't she?
Frasier
Yeah. Uh, listen, this has nothing to do with you, you know. I've had a lovely time this evening.
Kim
Me too. Maybe it's just as well. I'm lactose intolerant.
Kim
Good luck.
Frasier
Oh, your keys.
Charlotte
Thanks. Where's your friend?
Frasier
She left.
Charlotte
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spoil your night.
Frasier
You didn't.
Charlotte
Yes, yes I did! I spoil everything.
Frasier
Now, don't go there.
Charlotte
But it's true!
Frasier
No, I mean, don't go there.
Frasier
Sit over there, you'll be more comfortable.
Charlotte
I spoiled your evening. I spoiled my clothes, I spoiled my whole relationship.
Frasier
Oh?
Charlotte
Frank and I had a huge fight. He was getting impatient with me because, excuse me, I'm not exactly a pioneer woman and I started snapping back and the whole thing went downhill from there.
Frasier
I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that.
Charlotte
I dropped the cooler on one of the hatchlings.
Frasier
[rising] You know, maybe you could use a little wine.
Charlotte
[chuckles] I could.
Charlotte
But look at me, I can't stay in your house like this.
Frasier
Okay, I'll tell you what: I have an eight-jet whirlpool bath that you are free to revive yourself in...
Frasier
...and I can get cleaned up and make us some snacks, all right? And you know, actually, I have an endangered condor paté that I've been saving for just such an occasion.
Charlotte
That's not funny.
Frasier
More wine?
Charlotte
Thanks. This is my idea of camping.
Frasier
You know, I'm not much of an outdoor man myself. In college I got lost on a nature hike. After screaming for forty-five minutes, I was finally rescued by a Brownie troop. I still know some of their songs.
Charlotte
I still can't believe I haven't found the right woman for you yet.
Frasier
Well, there's no rush. I'm enjoying the search.
Charlotte
You're so sweet.
Frasier
You're sweet yourself.
Frasier
Charlotte, I hope you won't think this is too forward of me, but, a promising relationship doesn't come along very often and when it does, it's worth sticking your neck out for. What I'm saying is...
Betty
Good lord, he's with another one!
Frasier
For heaven's sake!
Martin
What are you doin' to me, boy?!
Charlotte
Maybe I'll just get those sweats you offered and get out of here.
Betty
All right, Veronica, we've had dessert, we've dropped him off, can we go now?
Ronee
No.
Betty
I don't want to spend another moment in this house!
Ronee
Well, fine, then you go, but I'm staying here with Marty.
Martin
Oh, sure, okay, Ronee, I'll just make up the couch for you.
Ronee
Just drop it, Marty. Yes, Mother, we are sleeping together. And he's not the first. Or the second. In fact, I'm well into double digits now.
Martin
Okay, we got the picture!
Ronee
Look, I'm sorry, I know you're upset, but I just can't live a lie anymore. For God's sake, I'm in my forties.
Betty
What are you talking about? You haven't been in your forties...
Ronee
All right! I'll see you in the morning.
Ronee
Well, if you're a good boy, maybe you'll get to spend the summer with your grandma.
Charlotte
Thanks for the sweats. And about before: I think I know what you were trying to say.
Frasier
You do?
Charlotte
Yes. A promising relationship is worth fighting for. So I called Frank and apologized and he's on his way home. Thank you for being there for me tonight.
Charlotte
You are such a good friend.
Charlotte
So I'll see you Monday? Maybe we can get some coffee?
Frasier
Right.
Martin
I brought a little dessert back. I don't suppose there's any whipped cream left.
Frasier
Sorry, no.
Martin
You all right?
Frasier
No.
Martin
Want to talk about it?
Martin
Whew! I gotta get this chair cleaned!
Frasier
She doesn't want me, she wants somebody else. I don't have a chance.
Martin
Oh, I'm sorry. [then] That's the second one, right?
Frasier
Yeah.
Martin
So, what are you gonna do?
Frasier
Well, that's a good question: What am I gonna do? I suppose I could pine over her for the next several weeks, make myself more miserable every day. Or I could do the sensible thing and just let her go. [rising] Excuse me.
Frasier
Hi, Charlotte, it's Frasier. About coffee on Monday? Let's just forget that. How 'bout lunch instead?