A Man, a Plan, and a Gal: Julia
Aired Sep. 23, 2003 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
Lights come on in various buildings.
Daphne
It's official. Dr. Lee says we're pregnant.
Niles
I'm so excited!
Niles
Hello in there! It's your pater.
Daphne
Oh, stop it. [She sits.] So, how do you want to make the announcement?
Niles
Uh, well, Frasier's on his way over. We could...
Daphne
[interrupting] No! He's a blabbermouth. Let's have him and your dad over for dinner tonight, and we can tell them at the same time.
Niles
If you already had a plan, why did you ask me how I wanted to do it?
Daphne
Well, because if you'd have had the same idea, then I could have agreed with it, which would have given you the illusion of control. [After a beat.] The waiting room had "Cosmo."
Niles
Ohh. All right. Ah! - I have just the quotation for the beginning of the announcement. It's from Robert Burns: "Beneath the shelter of an aged tree, Th' expectant wee-things, toddlin', stacher through [gradually taking on a gaelic accent and goofy facial expression] To meet their dad, wi' filchterin' noise and glee." [Off Daphne's bemused reaction.] Moving, eh?
Daphne
[rising] Yes, but not just because of the poem, I'm late for a hair appointment.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
Hi, you two!
Daphne
Hello.
Frasier
Hi, Daph, good to see you. [Daphne exits.] Hello, Niles. Uh, my usual, please. Well, I've ruined another relationship. I suppose you'll want to hear the whole sorry tale. [They sit.]
Niles
Uh, no thank you.
Frasier
Last night, Julia came over and, as usual, I made a mess of things... Did you say no?
Niles
I said, "No, thank you."
Frasier
But I wish to unburden myself.
Niles
And I wish to remain in my good mood. Therefore, I demur.
Frasier
You demur?
Niles
I demur. Besides, I'm sure I've heard it all before.
Frasier
But this time was different...
Both
I really thought she could have been the one!
Frasier
[wounded] Well. Silly me. To think that I could count on my only brother for shoulder on which to lean.
Niles
What you need isn't a shoulder, it's a swift boot to break you out of this pattern.
Frasier
What pattern?
Niles
Your pattern of ruining things before they've even begun.
Frasier
And when have I done that?
Niles
Hmm, let me see: Faye [S6], Cassandra [S6], Chelsea [S10], Claire [S8-9], Lana [S7-9], Abby [S8], Mia [S7], Marie [S6]...
Frasier
Oh, all right! I knew I had a pattern, I just didn't think you'd remember the names.
Niles
The minute you develop feelings for someone, you get scared and find some way to sabotage things.
Frasier
I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth. I'll tell you what, I will never find a happy relationship un-unless I can break out of this maddening cycle.
Niles
All right, all right. The next time you find yourself doing it again, fixating, say on some tiny fault in the woman, recognize what that is you're feeling vulnerable. But don't give in to the fear. Commit to commitment.
Frasier
[a bit annoyed] Commit to commitment. It's a bit glib, but nonetheless inspiring. Thank you, Niles. I'm going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer. I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment.
Niles
[smiling] You said "Flasier."
Frasier
I did not.
Niles
Yes, you did.
Frasier
I most certainly did not.
Niles
I heard you say "Flasier."
Frasier
I've been saying my own name for the last forty-some odd years.
Niles
I know, but your tongue...
Frasier
Oh, hi Dad.
Martin
Before you say anything, if you know the score to the Mariners game, don't tell me, I'm taping it to watch later.
Frasier
Dad, the odds of my knowing the score to the Mariners game are about the same as you knowing the score to Pacific Overtures. Did, uh, Julia call?
Martin
No, sorry.
Frasier
Oh, damn. Well, at least this little delivery will cheer me up. My new Frette hand towels have arrived. Ha, ha! [opening the package and examining the towels] Direct from Italy, I give you the spugna con frangia, with the tulle lace insert, huh?
Martin
Sounds fancy, am I allowed to dry my hands on them?
Frasier
Well, you may miss the luxurious feel of your trouser fronts, but yes.
Martin
You know, if you're really down about this Julia thing, you can come with me and Eddie to the circus. We're really going to the V-E-T, but if I say that, he won't get in the car.
Frasier
Thanks anyway, Dad. I'll just see you at Niles and Daphne's for dinner, all right. Maybe I'll take in a movie.
Martin
Oh, what are you going to go see?
Frasier
Well, there's this new Russian film in town about a Crimean War vet.
Martin
No, Eddie! Would it have killed you to say Crimean War circus?
Frasier
I'm so sorry, Dad, I...
Frasier
Julia! You got my message! Oh.
Julia
What message? I actually came because I think I dropped an earring here last night.
Frasier
Oh. I'm sorry. Well, please, please come in. [They enter the apartment.] So, what did it look like?
Julia
Oh, it was just a small diamond stud. [She begins to look on the couch.]
Frasier
Right, okay, yeah, you check there, and I'll...
Julia
So, uh, what was this message?
Frasier
[searching on his knees near Martin's chair] Um, oh, I just said that I found you bright, and uh, beautiful and engaging, and then… there was a sonnet: "Fair love's ship ne'er sailed o'er unstorm'd seas. The fickle stars, her compass, bright and cruel..." [pausing] It's pretty sappy stuff, huh?
Julia
No, it's sweet. Especially the end.
Frasier
So you did hear it?
Julia
Yes, but Frasier, I'm not looking for just some office romance. I don't see the point in getting involved unless it's heading somewhere.
Frasier
That's exactly where I am in my life too. After you walked out last night, I realized how badly I want to be in a real relationship, how ready I am to...well, for want of a better phrase, uh, to commit to commitment.
Julia
You're not just saying this to get in my pants, are you?
Frasier
No. And if I did...get in your pants, well...I'd want to stay there forever. I-I said that much more elegantly in the sonnet.
Julia
You know, I just remembered where I may have lost my earring.
Frasier
Really, where?
Julia
In your bedroom. Do you care to help me look?
Frasier
In my bed...well, we were never in my bedroom, I don't...
Frasier
Oh. I see.