And Frasier Makes Three
Aired April 20, 2004 · Written by Sam Johnson · Directed by Scott Ellis
Niles
Just the man I wanted to see. Coffee, please.
Frasier
Niles, Niles...
Niles
You would not believe the morning I...
Frasier
Niles, would you be terrible offended if I asked you just not to not talk about it and sit quietly?
Niles
Can I at least tell you...?
Frasier
Shhh, shhh, please, I do not have time for your folderol today. I am meeting Charlotte for lunch and I'm planning my strategy on how to win her over.
Niles
I thought you said she has a boyfriend, this environmentalist fellow.
Frasier
Yes, Frank.
Niles
Thank you. So, what's your plan to get around him?
Frasier
I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
Niles
Ah. So you're going to be not rugged and not handsome? Interesting.
Frasier
No.
Niles
You're also going to be not passionate and not committed.
Frasier
Very funny.
Niles
Maybe she'd like you if you were not interesting and not informed.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Well you said my day was folderol!
Frasier
Sometimes it is!
Roz
I don't believe you.
Steve
It's true. My roommate and I used to listen to your show Every day just for you. We fell in love with your voice.
Roz
Really? [in a dusky tone] It's just a voice.
Steve
Well, all the guys on my floor listen to you.
Roz
To our show?
Steve
Yeah.
Roz
Boy, things sure have changed since I was in college.
Steve
Well, it wasn't exactly college, more like prison.
Roz
So was mine. So where'd you go?
Steve
Prison.
Roz
Oh. So... you fell in love with my voice?
Charlotte
Hi.
Frasier
Charlotte, hi. You remember my brother Niles.
Niles
Yes, Charlotte, how are you?
Charlotte
Oh, hello. Well, frustrated. Been selling this guy all over town, but no one's buying.
Niles
[sitting] Well, perhaps if you threw in a toaster.
Charlotte
I just have to call Frank before we head out.
Frasier
Oh, right. So everything's settled between the two of you?
Charlotte
Oh, yeah. He came over last night, I don't even remember what we were fighting about.
Frasier
You know what THAT means, don't you? [sitting] They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
Niles
I just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Mmm?
Frasier
Keep an eye out for her, will you?
Niles
What are you doing?
Frasier
Research.
Niles
Frasier, Frasier? Foul play!
Frasier
Yes, all is fair in love and war. That's interesting. An anthology of Irish plays. Perfect!
Niles
What do you know about Irish plays?
Frasier
Nothing. But not for long. There's one area where no man has ever bested me, Niles: homework!
Frasier
Charlotte, listen, I was just beeped by a patient who's desperate to see me, so do you mind if we just switch lunch for dinner?
Charlotte
Actually, that's better for me. I have four new clients coming in. Just think: the woman of your dreams may be sitting in my office this afternoon.
Frasier
Indeed she may.
Georges
Ah, Monsieur, so nice to see you again. Your special table is ready for you.
Frasier
And the wine?
Georges
As you requested, monsieur.
Frasier
Right. And the roses?
Georges
I'm so sorry, monsieur, I felt that the scent would distract from the wine's distinctive bouquet.
Frasier
You forgot them, didn't you?
Georges
Yes, forgive me.
Frasier
For God's sake, Georges. All right, send a busboy out to pick some wild flowers, please.
Georges
Very good sir.
Charlotte
Gee. You kinda sprinted ahead of me, there.
Frasier
So sorry. I just wanted to make sure that we could get a table. Here, come and sit.
Charlotte
This place is kinda fancy for a working dinner.
Frasier
Yes, well, after the rigors of your camping trip with Frank, I thought you deserved a little elegance.
Charlotte
Thank you. [She gets her notebook.] So, good news: I met this great woman today. How do you feel about dating someone a little taller than you?
Frasier
How much taller?
Charlotte
I don't know exactly, but I did have to turn off the ceiling fan.
Frasier
Well, let's just put her in the maybe pile, shall we?
Frank
Hi, sweetie.
Charlotte
Hi.
Frank
Sorry to interrupt. I know you're working.
Charlotte
Frank, you know Frasier.
Frank
Yes.
Frasier
Yes, yes, good to see you, Frank.
Frank
I just need the key to your apartment. I left my blue field notebook there and I want to double-check some whale songs I copied down.
Charlotte
Oh, sure.
Frank
We were in a boat all day, recording whale songs. I think we may have had a really big interpretive breakthrough.
Frasier
Oh, you should tell us about it sometime.
Frank
That's a great wine. Can I steal a glass?
Charlotte
Yeah, here. [to Frasier] You don't mind, do you?
Frasier
No, no, not at all. Although as the Irish say: "A man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man."
Frank
That's very good. "As the old cock crows, the young cock learns."
Frasier
Yes, well, wasn't it O'Casey who once wrote: "The Irish treat a serious thing as a joke, and a joke as a serious thing."?
Charlotte
You'd really have to ask Frank about that. He's the one who loves Irish literature. He lent me an anthology, but I haven't made much of a dent in it. I'm sorry, honey, I'm trying.
Frank
I know you are, baby.
Georges
Your flowers as requested, monsieur. [noticing Frank] I'm sorry, I thought you were to be deux.
Frasier
Yes, well now we are trois. Thank you, Georges, could you bring us another glass, please.
Georges
[knowingly] Yes, I understand, monsieur. It is most sophisticated of you.
Charlotte
Frasier, you ordered these flowers?
Frasier
Well, the table just looked so bare.
Frank
These are great choices, man. These are Washington wild flowers, remember from our hike? Foxglove, fine toothed penstemon, harsh paintbrush. Ah, remember this one?
Charlotte
Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue...
Frank
Monkey-flower.
Charlotte
Monkey-flower!
Frasier
Yes, often confused with the chimp-pansy.
Charlotte
Frank made the same joke this morning.
Frasier
Oh.
Frank
Great minds.
Frasier
Yes, yes.
Frasier
Ah, seulement deux cartes, Georges; ce jeune homme va juste prendre un verre de vin.Just two menus, Georges.
Frank
Non, je prendrai une carte. On s'amuse bien. Et à vous dire vrai, je meurs de faim.
Frasier
Oh, terrific.
Martin
Hi, how ya doin'?
Roz
Hi. Hey, look at you, Mr. Handsome.
Martin
Thanks. I'm gonna go hear Ronee sing at the Rendezvous. And then afterwards I am going to give her her engagement ring.
Daphne
Oh, Martin, it's beautiful.
Roz
She's gonna love this.
Martin
Thanks. I forgot I had it. I bought it years ago for Sherry, but then we broke up.
Daphne
You can't give Ronee a used ring!
Martin
Sherry never touched it.
Roz
Well, it doesn't matter. Ronee deserves something you picked out just for her.
Martin
Well, she'll think I picked this out just for her.
Daphne
But you didn't.
Martin
But she'll think I did.
Daphne
But you didn't. You'll have to sell that and buy Ronee a new one.
Martin
Oh, what's the difference? Niles, come on, back me up here.
Niles
You can't be serious!
Martin
Oh, geez.
Martin
Fine, back in the vault.
Daphne
Some vault. It's an old cigar box with a bunch of silver dollars and Eddie's baby teeth.
Frasier
Oh, hey, Roz. What are you doing here?
Roz
Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner, thought I'd stop by.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.
Roz
That's okay, I have one myself. With Steve.
Frasier
Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?
Roz
The man made one mistake. Besides, I don't know any guy who's not a little fascinated by fire.
Frasier
Yes, and a felon now knows where you live.
Roz
I'm not a total idiot.
Roz
Hello? Oh, yeah, hi, Steve. I'm grabbin' my coat, I'll be right down.
Frasier
You...?!
Niles
So, you have a date tonight.
Frasier
Yes, yes, actually Charlotte and I have been out three times this week. We've been wine tasting, beach-combing, and we actually shared a blanket in a horse-drawn carriage.
Daphne
I take it Frank's off in the mountains again?
Frasier
Oh, no, he was there, too.
Martin
Let's go.
Niles
You mean, it's been the three of you all week?
Frasier
Well, it's not exactly how I wanted, but the more time I spend with them, the less time they spend alone together.
Daphne
It doesn't bother Frank, you tagging along on their dates?
Frasier
Frank? No. In fact, he's quite taken with me. It doesn't even occur to him that I might be a rival. Galling, yes, but it does give me more time to work my magic on Charlotte.
Frasier
In another week, you can kiss Frank goodbye.
Niles
Maybe we'll wait until there's not a line.
Frank
Hi, guys.
Niles
Hello.
Frank
Gangsta!
Frasier
What it is.
Frasier
So, uh, what's going on? I thought we were meeting downtown.
Charlotte
I know, I'm sorry, but can we stay in tonight? I've got to get up early and catch a flight to Chicago for some divorce stuff, and Frank's beat.
Frank
Yeah, I was at the beach all day cataloging the stomach contents of a dead elephant seal. It was like all you can eat down at the Lobster Pot. I'm sorry, the collapse of our coastal fisheries is no joke. I'm just punchy.
Charlotte
We brought some movies. We couldn't agree on which one to watch, so you break the tie.
Frasier
Hmm... "The Perfect Storm" or "When Harry Met Sally." I guess I'm going to have to go for "When Harry Met Sally."
Frank
YES! He'll have what I'm havin'!
Charlotte
Oh, hi. We keep passing each other.
Martin
Yeah. We got some dessert here, if you wanna stay.
Charlotte
Oh, no thanks. I've got to catch an early flight, but tell Frasier I'll call him?
Martin
Sure. Bye.
Charlotte
Bye-bye.
Ronee
Do I know her?
Martin
Yeah, she's the woman Frasier's been after. She has a boyfriend already, but maybe somethin' happened.
Ronee
I'll say. You don't get that hair-style sitting up.
Martin
Oh, geez!
Ronee
Well, so long as he's happy.
Martin
Oh, hi guys.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Frasier
Hey, Daphne, Niles. Listen, the opera tickets are right there by the phone. Wish I could use them myself.
Niles
You know, if you'd gotten a third, you could take that couple you're dating.
Frasier
Yes, that's very droll. Frank injured himself on our hike, so I've got Charlotte all to myself this evening. I'm not going to waste this opportunity. I'm going to make her a romantic dinner and then tell her how I feel about her.
Martin
Wow, really?
Niles
Are you sure she's ready for that?
Frasier
Well, I don't know, but I can't stand this ridiculous threesome anymore. You know, the worst part is how completely unthreatening Frank finds me. As if I'm some sort of a harem eunuch.
Daphne
How'd he hurt himself, anyway?
Frasier
Well, he strained his back carrying me over a brook.
Niles
You wounded him and you're stealing his woman in the same day?
Frasier
Well, I didn't ask the man to carry me! He simply hoisted me over his shoulder before I could stop him. That's not something you get used to, no matter how many times it happens.
Martin
Don't you worry about it. You just do what you gotta do.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad. Wish me luck. I'm making her beef bourguignon from a new recipe.
All
Good luck.
Niles
Flour the beef.
Daphne
You're looking very sharp.
Martin
[getting up] Oh, I got the new ring.
Daphne
Oh, let's have a look.
Martin
I sold the old one and got this new one this morning.
Niles
Dad, it's huge.
Daphne
Oh, it's beautiful, Martin.
Martin
Yeah.
Ronee
Hi.
Martin
Hey.
Ronee
What's goin' on?
Martin
Nothin'. Oh, you look lovely tonight. But you know, I think your hand is kinda underdressed.
Ronee
Oh, my God! Marty, it's gorgeous. I love it and I love you, in that order.
Ronee
Oh, thank you. Listen, I've got to go wash my hands. I was eating Cheetos all the way over.
Martin
I love this lady.
Daphne
Oh, let's have a look. Oh, it's brilliant. Oh, you had it inscribed!
Martin
I did?
Niles
"Lil' Cupid. Til Def Do Us Part." What is that?
Martin
Let me see that.
Daphne
Isn't "Lil' Cupid" that obese rapper? The one they arrested for drugs?
Niles
Where did you get this ring?
Martin
At an auction! [off their looks] A police auction.
Niles
You can't give that to her!
Martin
Well I can't take it back, she loves it.
Daphne
Well, what are you going to tell her?
Martin
Well, just relax, I'll handle it.
Martin
Well, there's my lil' cupid. All beautiful and clean. All you need is a bow and arrow, Lil' Cupid.
Ronee
Why are you calling me that?
Martin
I always call you that.
Ronee
No, no you don't.
Martin
Well, uh, maybe I mostly say it when you're not around.
Niles
Oh, yes. It's always "Lil' Cupid said this." or "Lil' Cupid did that."
Daphne
It looks beautiful on you.
Ronee
Thank you.
Martin
Now, promise me you'll never take it off, Lil' Cupid.
Ronee
Okay, okay. I promise if you'll stop calling me that.
Martin
Deal.
Ronee
I'm gonna go look at this in the mirror.
Daphne
How did you get it to fit her? Lil' Cupid's as big as a house.
Martin
Keep your voice down. It was a toe ring.
Frasier
Here we are. Beef bourguignon with sautéed fiddlehead ferns and walnut chutney.
Charlotte
It's exactly what I need after the day I've had.
Frasier
Well, maybe I could give you a neck rub while it cools.
Charlotte
Oh... oh, you're the best. You know, I am so sorry you've had to put up with all this business with me and Frank.
Frasier
What business?
Charlotte
Well, you know, all this tension between us.
Frasier
There's tension?
Charlotte
He's a great guy, we just seem to be... I don't know...
Frasier
Fighting? Growing apart? Not clicking?
Frank
Darling.
Frasier
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, it's my watch. It's caught.
Charlotte
Oh, got it?
Frank
Shoulda known. The minute I'm laid up, you're over here making my lady dinner. You're true blue, buddy.
Frank
Hi, baby.
Charlotte
Hello, Frank.
Frank
Mmm, walnut chutney, that's daring.
Frank
Were you giving her a back rub?
Frasier
Uh, was I? Yes, I suppose I was, yes.
Frank
Would you mind doing me? I took an aspirin after the hike, and my neck's still a little tight.
Frank
So, tell me all about Chicago. How was it?
Charlotte
I'll tell you later.
Frank
Oh, that's nice.
Charlotte
Frasier, stop rubbing his neck. Sit down.
Frank
Why can't he rub my neck?
Charlotte
Because when you came in, we were just sitting down to dinner. You could've called first.
Frank
Well, I didn't know I needed to get clearance. Geez, you're as touchy as a hermit thrush.
Charlotte
This is typical of you. You come in here, you expect me to change my plans because you're suddenly available. It's insensitive.
Frank
Oh, I'M insensitive. I've been tracking a pod of humpback whales for a week and they've been talking their asses off, but have you once asked me what Bonnie has to say? Or Robert? Or Grace?
Charlotte
They're WHALES!
Frank
They're my friends!
Charlotte
Stop yelling. You're upsetting Frasier.
Frank
I didn't do anything. I came in here, kissed you hello, and you jumped down my throat. What the hell is your problem?
Charlotte
You are! You are driving me crazy!
Frank
Do you believe her?
Charlotte
Don't you drag him into this! Oh, you know what, I can't deal with this tonight.
Frank
Well, when can you deal with it? I'll call ahead and make an appointment.
Charlotte
I think you should leave.
Frank
Fine!
Frank
Come on, Frasier, let's go.
Frank
Times like this, a guy really needs his buddy.
Frasier
Hi. Just wanted to see how you're doing.
Charlotte
Tip-top. How's your friend?
Frasier
He went someplace dark. I couldn't follow.
Charlotte
Him and his moods.
Frasier
No, no, he climbed some kind of pine tree.
Charlotte
Look, I'm, I'm sorry about all that. I think this is it for Frank and me.
Frasier
Really?
Charlotte
It's just not working. I think I was always attracted to the idea of him more than him.
Frasier
This may seem inappropriate, but I'm not entirely sad to hear you say that.
Charlotte
What do you mean?
Frasier
I would think my feelings were obvious by now. All the time we've been spending together.
Charlotte
I just thought it was because you were hitting it off with Frank.
Frasier
Are you kidding? The man smells like a chum boat. You, you're the one I wanted to be with. Look, uh, I realize you're in a vulnerable state and you probably need some time to process this, so I'll just, uh...
Charlotte
Don't go. I've been thinking a little about you, too.
Frasier
Really?
Frasier
Well, then.
Charlotte
Oh, God, I'm uncomfortable.
Frasier
I'm sorry, I'm rushing things.
Charlotte
No, no, it's just I'm lying on a wine bottle.
Frasier
Good morning.
Charlotte
Oh, dear God, please tell me nothing happened last night.
Charlotte
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Charlotte
I'm glad you stayed.
Frasier
Me too.
Frank
Hey, guys. You're in my robe. Guess you got caught in the rain, too, huh?
Frasier
Yes, I did.
Frasier
What happened to your hand?
Frank
Ah, I was so mad last night, I punched a raccoon. God, I'm a bastard. You're a good guy to come check on her. Never understand why women don't like you. [to Charlotte] Can we talk?
Charlotte
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Frasier
My clothes should be dry by now.
Frank
So, what's goin' on with us?
Charlotte
Oh, come on Frank. I think you know it's not working.
Frank
Yeah.
Charlotte
And, anyway, there's something else you should know. When I was in Chicago, my ex told me he's moving to New York. So, I bought the old business from him. I'm moving back home.
Frank
You sure about this?
Charlotte
Yeah. I mean, I know Chicago, I have friends there. Seattle just hasn't panned out for me. I thought you should be the first to know.
Frank
Well, I know you'll do great.
Charlotte
So will you.
Frasier
Uh, I should be going.
Frank
That's okay. You stay, I'm goin'.
Frank
You know this isn't your fault, right partner? You be good, buddy.
Frasier
I know I should feel sad for Frank, but I can't help feeling happy.
Charlotte
Frasier, I...
Frasier
Listen, I'm late for about three things, so can I see you later this afternoon? Maybe after my show?
Charlotte
Okay, after your show.
Frasier
Perfect. Look, I hate to jinx this, but I'm so glad about what happened.