Detour

Skyline

A crane is seen on the horizon lifting a load.

Frasier

Can I get my usual, please?

Roz

Well, you're in a good mood. What's up?

Frasier

Well, actually... no, I'd better not. Don't want to jinx it.

Roz

No problem.

Frasier

Besides, the mark of a-a true gentleman is discretion.

Roz

[not as interested as Frasier wants her to be] Okay. Listen, about your dad's bachelor party...

Frasier

Charlotte and I spent the night together.

Roz

I thought she was seeing that super-hottie Frank.

Frasier

Dumped him, thank you.

Roz

For you? [then] I mean, wow, way to go!

Frasier

Yes, I know. It's funny I should end up with my own matchmaker, isn't it?

Roz

Yeah, I mean that Frank was the whole package. Those eyes, that chin, that bod that wouldn't quit...

Frasier

Yes, well, it didn't have to quit, it was fired.

Frasier

Thank you very much. [to Roz] Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party?

Roz

Yeah. Weren't you having a problem deciding on the entertainment?

Frasier

Oh, yes.

Roz

Well, there's this girl in my spin class, and she does it all — strips, lap dances, movies.

Frasier

Really? Would I be familiar with her work?

Roz

I don't know, have you seen "Grinding Nemo"? Anyway, I invited her over here so you could check her out. She's going to be here any second. Her name is Amber Licious.

Frasier

Really, well, I'm afraid I can't do it right now. I'm meeting Charlotte for coffee, uh-

Roz

Well, you can tell her yourself. Hey, Amber!

Roz

How are you?

Amber

Hi!

Roz

This is Frasier.

Amber

Hello.

Frasier

[after mumbling a bit] Hello, uh, how do you do, Miss Licious? Uh, I'm terribly sorry, but I've got something scheduled, so I'll have to postpone our interview. Perhaps we could meet this evening at my place, around 7:00? I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.

Amber

Can we make it 7:30? I have to go re-dub some groans for "He-Biscuit."

Frasier

Well, I'll see you then. Good.

Charlotte

Frasier?

Frasier

Oh, hi! Listen, I... gosh, I'm sorry I had to dash off this morning.

Charlotte

It's OK. I have to dash off myself right now.

Frasier

Oh, I thought we were having coffee.

Charlotte

We were. I forgot - I have to catch a train to Portland in twenty minutes. I'm giving a talk to the Northwest Businesswoman's Association. I'm sorry.

Frasier

Oh, no, it's all right. I'm sure you'll be wonderful.

Charlotte

Oh, yeah, it's a good speech. I gave it last year to the Midwest Businesswoman's Association. Anyway, I'll be back Sunday night. We can have dinner then. I really should catch a cab.

Frasier

Wait, maybe I could just drive you to the station.

Charlotte

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Frasier

No, no, I'd like to. Besides, I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye - a fog-shrouded train platform, a-a passionate kiss.

Charlotte

[agreeing] With a romantic dip.

Frasier

Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.

Charlotte

Dip, dip.

Frasier

Oh!

Frasier

So, I could make us a reservation for dinner on Sunday. I would suggest Cucina...

Charlotte

[distracted] Yeah, okay.

Frasier

Charlotte... you seem a little distracted. Is there something on your mind? Charlotte?

Charlotte

Oh, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, boy.

Charlotte

Look, I-I really don't want to get into this now. Why don't we talk about it Sunday night?

Frasier

[very worried] Please. I can't wait till Sunday. My imagination will torture me.

Charlotte

Okay. [pause] I'm moving back to Chicago in three weeks.

Frasier

Three weeks?!

Charlotte

It's not you. I bought my old business back from my ex. I—I know I should have told you sooner, but it was never the right time.

Charlotte

Are you okay?

Frasier

[under his breath] I had to blab to Roz.

Charlotte

What?

Frasier

[very sad] Nothing. Are you sure?

Charlotte

This all happened before we got together.

Frasier

Well, let's look on the bright side. I mean, Chicago isn't that far away.

Charlotte

I don't want a long-distance relationship. And neither do you. You said so on your application.

Frasier

Okay. But, you know, we still have three weeks.

Charlotte

Don't be hurt, but... if someone called your show and said, "I'm leaving town in three weeks. Should I get involved with someone?" what would you say?

Frasier

I'd say it was foolish to take the plunge and bring up feelings that must be dashed, and so forth. But what do I know? I'm not infallible.

Charlotte

[smiling wistfully] Frasier...

Frasier

[resigned] All right.

Charlotte

Son of a bitch!

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped.

Charlotte

No, no, it's my train! Damn it!

Frasier

Oh, dear. All right, look, the next station isn't too far. I'll bet I can beat the train.

Frasier

Well. Round two to Amtrak. I could drive us to the next station?

Charlotte

All right, but, you do know you're going to have to drive a little faster. You do realize we got passed by a school bus and a prefab home.

Frasier

Point taken.

Charlotte

I really do appreciate this.

Frasier

[clearly still smarting] Oh, it's all right. Didn't have anything else to do. [then, realizing] Oh, dear. I've got to make a call. Could you hold the wheel, please?

Frasier

I just got this. It's a... it's a hands-free unit. It's, uh, much, uh, much, much safer.

Daphne

Can't we just meet her? Everyone in Frasier's building raves about her, and I hear she's unhappy.

Niles

I just hate the idea of poaching the Steingartens' nanny.

Daphne

I seem to recall you poaching another man's fiancée once.

Niles

Oh, Daphne, I was in college. I... [off her look] oh, you mean...

Daphne

Well, who did you mean?

Niles

I'm sorry, I have to get this. Hello?

Frasier

[v.o.] Niles.

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

Listen, you remember that idea we proposed about Dad's party?

Frasier

The, uh, the entertainer. [To Charlotte] Oh.

Niles

The klezmer band?

Frasier

No, no, the stripper.

Frasier

Uh, well, I found one!

Niles

[nervously] Daphne's fine, thank you for asking! She's right here beside me.

Frasier

Niles, I'm supposed to interview her this evening at 7:30 at my place. I can't make it. Something came up. You'll have to do it for me.

Niles

Oh, no thank you!

Frasier

Niles, if you're worried about Dad being there, he's got a date with Ronee tonight.

Charlotte

Don't we want south?

Frasier

Listen, Niles, I-I know that you get nervous around fan dancers and their ilk, but you have got to conquer your fear...

Frasier

[v.o., continuing] Thank you! I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.

Charlotte

[nervously] South!

Frasier

What, I'm sorry?

Charlotte

South!! South!!

Frasier

What? What?

Charlotte

[craning her neck as they pass the turnoff] SOUTH!!

Frasier

Oh, dear, uh, you know, perhaps it would be best if you just said left or right. It's not like there's a compass in the car.

Charlotte

What's that?

Frasier

Oh, well, I'll be damned.

Charlotte

[notices something else] What's that red light?

Frasier

Oh, that. Uh, that's nothing to worry about. It's been on for months. I think there's something wrong with the bulb.

Charlotte

[with an ironic smile] Cell phones don't work here. Please tell me you know what's wrong with the car?

Frasier

Not a clue. I opened the hood as a mere formality.

Sue

Hello?

Frasier

We're terribly sorry to bother you, but, uh, our car has broken down.

Sue

Well, come on in out of that cold!

Sue

My husband knows everything about cars. Harbin, these people's car broke down. Go take a look at it for them. Harbin!

Frasier

[as he passes] Thank you! Thank you very much. We certainly appreciate that.

Sue

Well, just have a seat and have a cup of coffee and warm up. I'm Sue, by the way.

Charlotte

Thank you. You're very kind.

Frasier

Yes, yes, indeed.

Charlotte

I'm Charlotte.

Frasier

And I'm Frasier.

Frasier

Gosh, you seem to be preparing for some sort of party.

Sue

Well, Harbin's mother passed away, so people will be coming over tomorrow.

Charlotte

Oh, my God! I'm-I'm so sorry. We should get out of your hair.

Sue

Oh, no, please! The company will do us good. I mean, Harbin really perked up when you came in.

Charlotte

[looking out the door] Really? Because he seems to be crying in our car.

Sue

Excuse me.

Sue

Harbin! For goodness sake, pop the hood!

Sue

You will have to excuse him. He was very attached to his mother. A little too attached for my tastes. [Then] Hi, baby! Hi!

Jonathan

Who are these?

Sue

Their car broke down. This is my son, Jonathan. [She caresses him.] Isn't he handsome? Jonathan, this is Frasier and Charlotte.

Jonathan

How do you do?

Frasier

Yes, nice to meet you...

Sue

How is your project today, baby?

Jonathan

[impatiently] Fine, mother. [To Charlotte] You want a butterscotch?

Charlotte

No, I-I'm good. I'm good. So, what are you making?

Sue

Art. He won't let any of us see it until it's finished.

Frasier

Oh. So, uh, how's our car? Can we just scoot right away from here?

Harbin

No. I'll-I'll have to drive to town tomorrow for the parts. So, what happened?

Frasier

Well, we were just, uh, driving along the highway, and then suddenly the engine just died.

Harbin

[sobbing] Excuse me.

Sue

Excuse me.

Sue

[o.s.] Will you please cut out the hangdog bit, Mr. Welcome Wagon? We've got company! Get in there, show them some manners. Offer them a place to stay for the night.

Jonathan

You're not going to like it here.

Harbin

Of course, uh, of course you'll have to spend the night.

Frasier

We couldn't.

Charlotte

No, we really, really couldn't. There must be a hotel in town.

Jonathan

What does this look like, Lancaster?

Sue

It's no problem. You could bunk with Jonathan, and Charlotte, you could have the fold-out.

Jonathan

[suggestively] I'll help make up your bed...

Charlotte

No, that's OK! We'll-we'll stay together.

Frasier

Yes, that's right, together.

Sue

Oh, well, are you married? Because we don't want to set a bad example for... [motions with her head toward Jonathan]

Frasier

Oh yes, yes.

Charlotte

We're married!

Frasier

Yes, married.

Sue

For how long?

Frasier/Charlotte

[simultaneously] Oh, two years./Eighteen months.

Martin

Hey, Ronee. It's me. Uh, I've got to interview a new physical therapist to fill in for Daph, so pick me up fifteen minutes later, OK? [Pause] Just have a drink. [Pause] Well, have another one. [Pause, concerned look] Really? Maybe I'll pick you up.

Niles

[stiltedly] Frasier? You're too busy to answer the phone — but I'm just about to interview this... stripper, and I have no idea what to ask.

Niles

I just hope Dad doesn't walk in and spoil the surprise. I'm Already developing some sort of aversion-based mouth dryness as we speak. [Then] This is Niles, by the way.

Martin

Hey, Niles!

Niles

[nervous] Oh!

Martin

What's up?

Niles

[stilted again] Frasier is going to split a case of oloroso with me because we both like oloroso, but he's not here, so I'll stop bothering you. Nice chatting.

Niles

Oh! Are you here for the interview?

Becky

Yes. Crane, right?

Niles

Um, yes. [He gasps a bit with mouth dryness.] Um, the place is a mess. Do you - do you mind if we talk in the lobby?

Becky

I guess that's okay.

Niles

Um, so, um, how — uh - how long have you been doing what you do?

Becky

Oh, years now. At first I just did it for friends, but then I thought, "Why am I giving this away when I can make money at it?"

Becky

Here are my references.

Niles

Oh, uh, I — ahem - didn't know you people had references. Let alone... the mayor?

Becky

Yeah. I started with him, and now I do most of the city council.

Niles

Well...uh, that--that's good enough for me. You're hired.

Becky

Shouldn't your dad meet me before you decide?

Niles

Oh, no, no. We--we don't want him to see you till you're taking off your clothes.

Becky

What are you talking about? And why are you sweating so much?

Niles

I'm sorry. I'm just--I'm just a little ill-at-ease around...

Becky

What?

Niles

[fighting the mouth dryness mightily and finally stammering] Sex workers.

Becky

Ew! Get away from me, you freak!

Niles

Hi.

Daphne

[not expecting to see him] Hi. What are you doing here and why are you so sweaty?

Niles

[sniffing again] I was talking to Dad about my case of oloroso.

Daphne

Oh. Well, if it doesn't clear up by tomorrow, you should call a doctor.

Niles

I will.

Daphne

Oh! Hello, Kathy? Yeah, it's Daphne Crane. Listen, I'm going to be up in 1901, and I was wondering if we could finally meet. Oh, that's wonderful! Don't even call it an interview. Everyone says you're the best nanny in Seattle. Good, I'll see you up there then.

Daphne

Oh, wow, that was fast. Come on in.

Amber

[confused] All right, what happened to Dr. Crane?

Daphne

He's not feeling well.

Daphne

Thanks for coming. I know you're busy. Please, have a seat.

Amber

Oh, thanks. Teah, right after this I have to go pick up a new teddy.

Daphne

Oh, that's so sweet.

Daphne

Well, I'll make this quick then. We're not expecting anything fancy. Just the basic burping, diapering, and so forth.

Amber

O-kay, I guess I'm game for that.

Daphne

Oh, wonderful! Why don't I make some tea and we can talk.

Amber

Great! Uh, did you want me to wear something special?

Daphne

Oh! Since you asked, I've always been partial to a simple white nurse's uniform.

Amber

It's a classic.

Martin

Oh, hi, I thought I heard some talking out here! I'm Marty Crane.

Amber

Hi.

Martin

How you doing?

Amber

Great.

Martin

So, Daphne give you the third degree?

Amber

Oh, not really.

Martin

Oh, well, that's good. I think she's a little sensitive, you know, about being replaced. She's been doing me for ten years.

Amber

Oh! But then she got pregnant.

Martin

Right, right. But you know, lately, she's been having me up on the table. I like it better on the floor. The floor all right with you?

Amber

It's your dime.

Martin

Well, uh, maybe you could show me your stuff.

Amber

Oh...

Martin

I'll, uh, never hear the end of it if I don't take you out for a spin.

Amber

Oh, sure. I just need to change.

Martin

Oh, yeah, the powder room's right there.

Amber

Here? Okay.

Daphne

Where did she go? You didn't drive her off, did you?

Martin

No, not at all. I like her. What do you think about her?

Daphne

I like her a lot.

Martin

Good. Of course, we won't really know until we see her in action.

Amber

Ta-da!

Martin

[grinning broadly] You're hired!

Charlotte

[desperately, forcing a smile] Hi, sweetie! You've been gone for twenty minutes!

Frasier

Yes. Well, uh, Harbin was just giving me a tour of my engine.

Harbin

You've got either a blown rod bearing or a loose pin. If we had a stethoscope, I'm sure we could tell the difference.

Frasier

Yes, well, you know, I'm so hopeless with cars. I know I would just misdiagnose it.

Harbin

Wouldn't be the first misdiagnosis that ever happened.

Jonathan

Friend Charlotte. Where's your ring?

Charlotte

Excuse me?

Jonathan

I thought most married women wore a ring, yet your hand is bare and white.

Frasier

Yes, it-it is. That's because this is the hand that I fell in love with. A hand too... too perfect for, uh... the profanity of gold or-or platinum. [He sits, looking at her face.] After all, what diamond could possibly rival the sparkle in those eyes?

Harbin

I'll take my coffee in the living room, you don't mind!

Sue

If that will make you happy, Harbin. Shall we?

Jonathan

[presenting the coffin, matter-of-factly] This is Grandma.

Frasier

We... had no idea.

Sue

We... are having the wake here tomorrow.

Harbin

[sobbing] Mama... loved to party.

Sue

Excuse me again.

Sue

[o.s.] Yeah, she loved to party all right. With me as her personal slave and handmaiden, doing all the cooking and the cleaning and the wiping her sorry... [re-entering, changing her tone] Sugar?

Frasier

You know, we're a bit tired, really. Maybe we could just turn in?

Harbin

Well, help me get the cushions off the fold-up. We'll make up the bed.

Frasier

You mean we're-we're sleeping in here?

Sue

[deadpan] Well, there's Mama's bed. [then] But that's in our room.

Frasier

This'll be fine.

Charlotte

Did you hear that?

Frasier

[waking] What?

Charlotte

That! What do you think he's doing down there?

Frasier

Well, how should I know, he's your friend.

Charlotte

Shh!

Jonathan

[sotto voce] Grandma? It's Jonathan. I just wanted to tell you that our little secret is still safe.

Charlotte

Well, this tops anything that would have happened at the Portland Radisson.

Harbin

[voice breaking] Hi, Mama! I can't believe I'm not going to get one more hug. [leans in] What's that? One more? Ohhhhh...

Harbin

I better go, Mama. I'm sorry I scraped your head with my watch.

Frasier

You know... he said the same thing to my engine when he opened the hood.

Frasier

Charlotte... I'm afraid we're making a terrible mistake.

Charlotte

Frasier, I'm not switching sides again.

Frasier

No. I mean writing off these three weeks just 'cause you're moving. I had a great time with you today, and with somebody else it would have been a disaster.

Charlotte

With somebody else, I would have been in Portland.

Frasier

Come on, you know what I'm talking about. We have a lot of Fun together. And why deny ourselves the chance to have even more? I know the sensible thing would be to just end it now, and walk away. And normally that's what I would do, but... I don't want to be sensible.

Charlotte

[with emotion] But we'd only have three weeks.

Frasier

I know. It'd be like a summer fling.

Charlotte

But wouldn't we be sad when it ended?

Frasier

Of course we would. That's what happens. You-you're sad When summer's over. [then] Well, I... never was. I always looked forward to the new school year, when I would buy my books...

Charlotte

[lovingly] Are you going to talk all summer?