Crock Tales

Skyline

Fireworks explode.

Frasier

Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte. Oh nothing, really. I'm having the folks over for dinner. Just the family, and Roz. Well, I've done it a thousand times before. Okay, I'll, uh, see you tomorrow. Bye.

Frasier

For God's sake... this thing breaks like crockwork. [laughs to himself] Crockwork, I'll tell you... ah Frasier, once again you've suffered the tragedy of being clever, and alone.

Frasier

Oh for God's sake, Dad, would you please throw that thing away?

Martin

Why, what for? When I get through gluing it, it'll be as good as new.

Frasier

It wasn't any good when it was new! It's just an ugly, worthless pot.

Daphne

Hello!

Frasier

Oh, hi! [kisses her cheek and hugs her] How was the honeymoon?

Daphne

Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise — except for poor Niles getting sunburned.

Frasier

Oh dear, Niles. You look like you've crawled out of a bisque.

Niles

And you look like someone who doesn't want his Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt.

Frasier

Niles, you remembered.

Martin

Hey guys, welcome back!

Daphne

Oh hello, Martin.

Niles

Hey.

Daphne

You're a bit dressed up for a family dinner.

Frasier

Oh well, Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.

Niles

Ooh, a lady friend?

Frasier

No, we're going to form a jazz trio, Niles. Of course it's a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool.

Martin

So you want us to clear out?

Frasier

No, no, no, you don't have to do that. If I don't like her, Roz will just take her away. We've agreed upon a safety word: enchanté. If circumstances should dictate, all I have to do is say it, and Roz will know that I'm not interested.

Frasier

Niles, would you mind getting that? That's probably Roz. Uh, I'm just going to get rid of Dad's arts and crafts project here, all right?

Niles

Hi, Roz.

Roz

Oh hi - hey, you guys are back! Hey, Martin.

Martin

Roz.

Roz

This is my friend Lisbeth.

Lisbeth

Hiya.

Niles

Yes, come in, this is Daphne and Martin, and, yes... can I get you a glass of wine?

Roz

Oh, please! [to her] Frasier has the greatest wine.

Lisbeth

Oh, sounds good to me. Life's too short to drink bad wine, right?

Niles

[pleased] Amen to that!

Lisbeth

Just a half a glass, with club soda. [to Roz] You know how I love my spritzer.

Niles

Frasier?

Frasier

What...? [feigning surprise] Oh, hi! Roz, what a pleasant surprise.

Roz

This is Lisbeth. We were just shopping in the neighborhood, and thought we'd stop by.

Frasier

Well, how lovely. [shakes her hand] It's a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth.

Lisbeth

It's not Elizabeth, it's "Lisbeth."

Frasier

Ah, like Lisbon!

Lisbeth

Like a what?

Frasier

Enchanté. [glances at Roz]

Lisbeth

Right, and meeting you was just... super.

Frasier

Yes, the feeling is mutual. [at Roz] Enchanté, enchanté, enchanté.

Lisbeth

Oh, and for me it's just been super. [at Roz] Super, super!

Roz

I took a shot.

Frasier

Yes.

Lisbeth

Yeah.

Frasier

Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now.

Lisbeth

Oh well, I'm ready whenever you are.

Frasier

Well, then just let go.

Lisbeth

I did, you're holding on to me.

Frasier

What...? Oh, dear. Dad, what kind of glue were you using on that pot?

Martin

[sighs] Super.

Lisbeth

How could you be so stupid as to glue us together?! [to Roz] I thought you said he was smart!

Niles

Don't panic, I-I seem to recall that-that Superglue can be dissolved with acetone — you know, nail polish remover.

Daphne

He's the smart one. How did you know that?

Niles

I knew that from, uh... from school.

Frasier

School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to glue a cafeteria tray to his tie.

Daphne

Well, I suppose we'd better get some. Let's go to the drug store.

Lisbeth

Drug store? Oh, I gotta go.

Frasier

No, no, they'll be back in ten minutes.

Lisbeth

No, no, no, I gotta go. I started the new juice diet, and I got sixty-four ounces of cran-raspberry looking for a new home.

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake. All right, I'll tell you what, uh, just, uh, here, just come right in here, there you are...

Frasier

All right, just a moment, uh...

Frasier

Are you there?

Lisbeth

[from inside] Almost.

Lisbeth

That's close enough. Could you maybe put on some music?

Frasier

Dad, could you put on some music, please?

Martin

Yeah, sure. Uh, what do want, pop, big band-?

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, just turn the damn thing on!

Roz

Sorry I'm late. The Cinco de Mayo traffic was muy malo.

Frasier

Oh yes, that's right, they closed some streets for the fireworks display. Well, happy birthday, Roz.

Daphne

Yeah, happy birthday.

Roz

Whatever. [sinks onto the couch] Used to be I'd go out and get a little wild on my birthday. Now I go out and get a little dinner.

Frasier

There's nothing wrong with dinner.

Roz

I know, but it used to come with sex.

Daphne

Oh, come on, Roz, sounds like you need a drink.

Roz

[wistful] Oh, that used to come with sex, too.

Martin

Sounds like we got another passenger on the S.S. Ain't Getting Any.

Niles

Hello!

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

Wonderful day, marvelous day, you two look grand, where's Daphne?

Martin

Who shoved a bluebird into you?

Frasier

You know the S.S. Ain't Getting Any? Man overboard.

Martin

[shocked] You and Daphne?

Niles

Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.

Martin

[uneasy] Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?

Martin

I'd better go wrap Roz's birthday gift. [exits]

Niles

Oh! I forgot about Roz's birthday. You don't have anything I could give her, do you?

Frasier

Well, let's look, maybe one of these books... [straightens up] For God's sake, Niles! I mean, how could you forget her birthday? It's the whole reason we're having dinner.

Niles

Well, forgive me, I've been a little distracted lately. Especially last night! And again this morning. [then] Oh, dear God, if Daphne knew I was speaking so indiscreetly, she'd be mortified.

Daphne

...and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake, and off we go again!

Roz

Niles?

Daphne

I couldn't catch me breath, it was like a marathon! I tell you, he's spoilt me for any other man.

Roz

Frasier's brother Niles?

Daphne

And guess how he woke me up this morning? [giggles]

Roz

Oh, shut up already!

Frasier

Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and open some gifts.

Niles

Hello.

Daphne

Hello yourself.

Frasier

All right, you two, let's pay attention. This is Roz's birthday. This gift is from Niles.

Niles

Happy birthday, Roz.

Roz

It's a crock. With a chipped lid. [lifts the lid and looks inside] And a dead bee. Thank you, Niles.

Niles

[his mind completely elsewhere] Glad you like it.

Daphne

[her mind in the same place] Oh, you know, I-I think I left your present in my room. Niles, will you help me with it?

Niles

Oh, of course.

Niles

We'll be back very quickie.

Daphne

Quickly!

Niles

Quickly.

Martin

You don't think they're gonna...?

Frasier

Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it.

Roz

Wow, he really is good.

Frasier

Dad, I bought you these headphones, so that I wouldn't be subjected to your sports drivel. Please put them on.

Martin

All right, I will. But only if you say it.

Frasier

I WANT YOU — to wear those headphones!

Martin

I don't know why you care, you're just going to be out riding on that stupid parade float.

Frasier

[o.s., from the kitchen] The KACL Fourth of July float is not stupid! [comes out] Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate a hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze with...

Martin

[puts on the headphones] Hey, you're right, this does cut out all the drivel!

Frasier

Oh hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.

Daphne

Thank you. Now I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth.

Daphne

We're gonna toss back a couple a' cold brewskis, watch the ball game, and not use the metric system.

Frasier

[laughing] That's very funny.

Frasier

Oh hello, Niles.

Niles

Hello, Uncle Sam. Didn't you just hand me a flyer for a mattress sale?

Frasier

Uh, listen, Roz is running a little late, so we're just gonna meet her downstairs, all right? Dad!

Frasier

[waving goodbye] We're off! See you later!

Martin

[takes off the headphones] Oh, okay, good luck! Boy, these are great. Now I can watch TV without bugging anybody.

Martin

[suddenly singing, loudly] My bacon, is Farmer Frank's bacon! There's no mistakin', the quality...

Frasier

Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It's supposed to drape evenly — oh, for God's sakes.

Daphne

[groans] You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?

Frasier

No, there's no time for that. We can fix it on the fly. It'll just take a second.

Frasier

Here, Niles, grab that end.

Daphne

Excuse me? This shouldn't come off like this, should it?

Frasier

Oh, dear. Um... here. [tries the other door; it's also locked] Oh, lord.

Niles

He can't hear us. We're stuck out here, what are we gonna do?

Frasier

All right, let's not panic. You know what, maybe some of our neighbors are out on their balconies, we'll just call out to them.

Roz

Hello? Hello?

Roz

The Blue Angels!

Roz

Wow!

Roz

What?

Niles

Locked-Out!

Frasier

Roz, how long does a baseball match last?

Roz

Well, usually three hours, but...

Frasier

Oh, dear.

Roz

This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?

Frasier

Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper.

Daphne

It's going to be a hundred degrees out here, I'm roasting in these things!

Daphne

That's it, these clothes are coming off.

Frasier

That's all right, Niles, allow me. [calls] Daphne!

Daphne

Coming! [answers the phone] Hello, Crane residence. Oh hello, Mum, Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's the holiday where everyone eats turkey. No, we're having goose.

Frasier

Daphne, when you're finished with that, could you please bring us some snacks to soak up this wine?

Niles

Yes, and a little more wine. Who knew my sorrows would be such strong swimmers?

Daphne

I can't talk right now, Mum. Dr. Crane has guests. Yeah, he's still out of work.

Daphne

Of course I'm worried he might let me go. I worry about it every day. But I'm coping.

Roz

Alice is so cute. She fell asleep hugging her bottle.

Niles

I'm right behind her.

Frasier

Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.

Niles

Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce; Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex — where last night they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets!

Frasier

We're all going through a bit of a rough patch. Look at Roz and me, we're out of a job.

Roz

Oh, not me. I just took a phone temp job in customer service. I can work from wherever I am, they just patch the calls through.

Frasier

Well, now you see? There's a positive attitude!

Frasier

Some people see losing a job as an opportunity! [Daphne brings the snacks] Oh, thank you.

Roz

Hello? [sexy voice] Oh, hello. Yes, this is Monique.

Roz

I'm just lying in the tub, soaping myself all over...

Frasier

Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer you're servicing?! Hang that up!

Roz

Call me later, Tiger, okay? [hangs up; normal voice] What? It pays the bills, and I'm not tied to a desk.

Frasier

Not unless they ask you to be!

Martin

Well, good news, the Cowboys just scored. Bad news is, I kinda screamed and woke somebody's baby up.

Frasier

Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend — could you please run me a tub tonight?

Daphne

[sweetly] Oh, of course I will, Dr. Crane. [comes and refills their wine glasses] What would you do without me? [to Niles] A little more?

Daphne

I know things have been tough lately, but they'll turn around for you. [caresses his cheek] Just watch.

Niles

She's an angel. You're right, Frasier. I'm being too morose. I'm not taking action. [gets up] I'm telling Daphne I love her, tonight!

Frasier

[grabs him] Niles, let's not be rash. Come on, come on, let's get you some fresh air.

Niles

I don't want air, I want Daphne!

Martin

Hello?

Martin

Well, thank you, you've got a nice, deep voice too. [looks more confused] Uh — oh, I don't know. [looks down] Uh, brown pants and a plaid shirt - Hello? Hello?

Roz

Is everything all right? What's wrong with Niles?

Martin

He decided that today's the day he's going to tell Daphne.

Roz

He's gonna tell Daphne with all of us here? That's gonna be uncomfortable.

Martin

I know, but I guess he figures he just can't afford to wait any longer.

Frasier

All right, Niles — [Niles breaks away] Niles, Niles, please!

Niles

[passionately] Daphne...!

Daphne

Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!

Niles

You do?!

Daphne

Not you, Dr. Crane — Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!

Frasier

What?

Daphne

After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

Niles

She's an angel!

Frasier

I'll pick you up at seven, my angel.

Frasier

You'd better get used to the name "Evelyn Griebel," because you're going to be hearing an awful lot of it around here. Evelyn Griebel — sounds like music, doesn't it?

Daphne

Haven't you only been dating her a week?

Frasier

Well yes, and you know how loath I am to use the expression "she may be the one," but I think in this case it's appropriate.

Niles

I finally got Maris calmed down. I hope you're happy.

Frasier

All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?"

Niles

Yes, and now she's on the phone to her chin-grinder in Zurich.

Frasier

Yeah, I'll get that. It's probably Roz.

Frasier

Well?

Roz

Sorry I'm late, but I had a date.

Frasier

Yes, I thought that was last night.

Roz

It was a good date. How's your new girlfriend?

Frasier

I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude. [laughs]

Roz

Is one of them nausea? Cause I'm getting that right now.

Frasier

Oh, shut up!

Martin

Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here. Oh, nobody opened it.

Frasier

Dear God, Dad, that's three years old! Throw it out!

Martin

No, it'll be fine. Sure you don't want any? The label says it's "famously spreadable."

Niles

Funny, Roz, doesn't your label say the same thing?

Roz

What does yours say, Niles — "may cause drowsiness"? I'm just having some fun, �cause I know I'll be settling down someday.

Frasier

Yes well, thank God my dating days are over! Three years on the Seattle singles scene is quite enough, thank you.

Frasier

Hello? Oh hi, Evelyn. [puts the phone to his shoulder] She can't go five minutes without talking to me. [into phone] Listen, I'm really looking forward to dinner tomorrow... I see. Well, if tomorrow's no good... I see.

Frasier

But you said you were having such a lovely time... I see. Perhaps I'd better take this in my room.

Frasier

Oh, what are you smirking at?!

Frasier

What are you staring at?

Martin

It's fourteen.

Frasier

What?

Martin

You're reading about Jack Russell terriers, right? That's how many years they live — fourteen.

Frasier

Oh, hello, Niles.

Niles

Ah, there are the merry bachelors in their swinging new pad!

Frasier

Where's Maris?

Niles

Uh, she's taken to her bed. This large-earring fad has compressed her spine. Where is your, uh, enchanting new home healthcare worker?

Daphne

I just found out what that second toilet in me loo is for! [laughs] Talk about a shock!

Niles

Hello there.

Daphne

Hello. You're, uh... oh, don't tell me, I'm good with names. Uh... Miles Crane!

Niles

...Yes, I am! And-and you're Daphne Moon, from Manchester, where you developed a liking for Nickerson's Lemon Biscuits.

Daphne

What a kind man you are, Miles Crane.

Frasier

Oh by the way, I've invited Roz Doyle to join us — she's my producer over at the radio station. She had no plans this evening — you know, I think the poor thing has a hard time meeting men.

Niles

Hm.

Frasier

[heads to the bar] Anyway, would you care for a scotch, Niles?

Niles

Uh yes — actually, I'm in a sherry mood tonight.

Frasier

Sherry? What an intriguing idea. Think I could scare up a bottle of sherry.

Daphne

Oh, I'll get it.

Frasier

Oh hi, Roz, come on in. Uh, I'd like you to meet my dad. This is Martin Crane, and his home healthcare worker, Daphne Moon, and of course this is my brother, Niles Crane.

Daphne

Oh my God, is it Niles? Oh, I feel so embarrassed.

Niles

Oh no, please, don't be. Actually, I prefer Miles.

Martin

Oh, that'll be my pizza. Could you get it?

Frasier

What? You are not having pizza. I made a duck.

Martin

What, you're gonna tell me what I can eat now?

Frasier

No, I'm just saying that it's rude to bring your own food to a dinner party.

Kenny

Hi.

Frasier

Oh, hello.

Kenny

Twelve bucks.

Frasier

Right.

Kenny

Hey, aren't you that new radio shrink at KACL — Dr. Frasier Crane, right?

Frasier

Yes, yes I am. It's always nice to meet a fan.

Kenny

Well actually, I'm in the radio game myself. This pizza thing is just paying the bills until a job opens up. Maybe you could put a good word in for me down at the-

Roz

Pizza smells good.

Martin

Well, have some. It's called a Dirty Dozen. Twelve delicious toppings, and not one of them duck.

Frasier

This from the gourmet who dumped my Cornish Yarg cheese down the disposal.

Martin

It was covered with mold!

Frasier

It was supposed to be!

Martin

Well, I said I'd replace it, didn't I? And here it is, I hope you're happy.

Frasier

"With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored snack food." [looks inside] Dear God, it looks like someone melted down a highway cone.

Martin

Just trying to be nice, you don't need to be a jerk about it.

Frasier

You're right, Dad, I'm sorry, thank you. [to Niles] Would you please join me in the kitchen...?

Frasier

Miles!

Frasier

He is driving me batty! All right, we are making a deal. He spends six months here, and then he's moving into your house.

Niles

Absolutely, we'll switch off.

Martin

[o.s.] Someone bring me a beer?

Roz

[o.s.] Yeah, beer sounds good.

Frasier

I should have just gotten a keg. I tell you something, this is the last time I try to make a nice dinner for these people!

Frasier

Oh, hey Dad.

Martin

Hey, Fras.

Frasier

Dinner's ready.

Martin

All right.

Frasier

Hello, you guys, come on in.