Goodnight Seattle (Part 1)
Aired May 13, 2004 · Written by Christopher Lloydand Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Skyline
A rainbow arcs out of the building line and touches the
Frasier
[calmly] You all right?
Anne
[embarrassed smile] I hate flying.
Frasier
Just a little turbulence, we'll be through it in a minute.
Frasier
Mother of God!
Anne
This is so embarrassing. I mean, I treat people for this. I'm a psychiatrist.
Frasier
Well, there's a small world, I'm a psychiatrist too. [putting out his hand:] Dr. Frasier Crane.
Anne
Ooh, I've heard your show. [returning the handshake:] Dr. Anne Ranberg.
Frasier
Lovely to meet you.
Anne
Nice to meet you. Now, don't let me interrupt you. You seemed kinda deep in thought.
Frasier
Oh, I suppose I was. It's been a rather eventful three weeks for me.
Anne
Well, if you want to talk about it, it might get our minds off the flight.
Frasier
It's really rather personal... It's nothing you'd be interested in.
Anne
[accepting] Okay, then.
Frasier
So I was dating this woman...
Anne
Mmm-hmm...
Charlotte
[drowsily] Weren't we on our way to lunch?
Frasier
Yes, but then you followed me in here when I came to get my briefcase and uttered the fatal phrase that no man can resist.
Charlotte
[laughing] I said I liked your pillow shams.
Frasier
Nice try, my little temptress, but I'm down for at least an hour.
Charlotte
[laughs and caresses his face] Do you still have time for lunch before work?
Frasier
Well, my show doesn't start till two, and it's only...
Frasier
[jumps up in bed] Oh dear God!
Kenny
Where the hell is he?
Roz
I don't know. [hanging up] I called his cell, I called his house... You're going to have to go on for him.
Kenny
Me?!
Roz
Yeah, you — well, I'm not. Last time I did it, it was a total disaster!
Roz
Aren't you always saying you used to be a DJ?
Kenny
Oh, twenty years ago, I can't do that anymore!
Roz
Well, it better come back to you, you've got five seconds.
Kenny
I can't! I'm a nervous wreck! My palms are sweaty, my mouth is like cotton...
Kenny
Hey, Emerald City, Kenny Daly heerrre! Master of the Mike, Baron of the Booth, the Man of the Hour, too sweet to be sourrrr! [puts on headphones] The doctor's ouuuut today, but Kenny's heerrre - filling the seat, takin' the heat! I might even throw in a call or two to Grandma Gert. [typical old lady's voice:] But no kids, I hate kids! [back to the voice of D.J. Daly Hell] Whoo-hoo, she's in a mood today!
Kenny
[v.o. from the radio:] Who's this coming into the booth? Why, it's Percy Von Snootenheim!
Frasier
[o.s. from the bathroom] Turn that off!
Frasier
I'm sorry I have to rush off. I wish we could spend the whole day together. [leans in to kiss Charlotte]
Charlotte
I don't leave for Chicago until midnight. I'll, I'll come over and make you dinner.
Frasier
Oh that sounds great, I'd love that.
Charlotte
Any requests?
Frasier
Uh... I liked what I had for lunch.
Charlotte
[blushing] Why don't I just surprise you?
Frasier
Still sounding like lunch.
Kenny
Isn't that a great song, people? Really brings back the memories. Sorry I kinda forgot the words there in the middle. So let's toss it to the news! [clicks a button with vigor]
Roz
Where the hell have you been?
Frasier
I'm sorry, I am sorry. I had a doctor's appointment, it couldn't be helped!
Kenny
Just in time, Doc. This turned out to be one of your better shows.
Frasier
Well thank you, Kenny.
Bebe
Darling!
Frasier
Bebe?! What are you doing here?
Bebe
[flinging her arms around him] I just came by to see my favorite client, [kisses him on the cheek, then turns to Kenny] and the wonderful man who's giving him such a happy, happy home.
Kenny
Ah, you're the best, Bebe!
Bebe
Good news, I'm busting you out of this hellhole!
Frasier
What?!
Bebe
Did you ever hear of Dr. Mark Reisman?
Frasier
The San Francisco radio psychiatrist? Yes, we had a nice encounter once at a conference.
Bebe
Well, last week he had a not-so-nice encounter with a falling air conditioner.
Bebe
Anyway, they want you to replace him and the money's huge!
Frasier
Poor Mark... what a ghastly way to die!
Bebe
Yes, I cried so hard it was all I could do to stuff your demo tape in the Fed-Ex pouch. But they want you!
Frasier
Well, it's very tempting, Bebe, but I'm very happy here in Seattle. I don't want to leave.
Bebe
Darling, it's San Francisco! Do you know what life is like there for a good-looking straight man? You'll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp!
Frasier
[resisting the Bebe temptation] Uhhh... No. My answer is still no, Bebe. I've got to begin my show. [sits down]
Bebe
Well, that's gratitude for ya! Do you have any idea the lengths I went to to make this happen? [opens the door]
Frasier
Wait a minute. You were in San Francisco last week. Don't tell me...!
Bebe
I was nowhere near that air conditioner. [teasing:] You're worse than the police.
Charlotte
We are such a cliché! Little woman at the stove, big rugged man with his brawny arm...
Frasier
Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!
Frasier
Dad, I thought you were going out with Niles and Daphne?
Martin
I'm waiting on Ronee.
Frasier
Yes, well, Charlotte is leaving for Chicago in three hours. This is our farewell dinner.
Charlotte
Oh, hi Martin.
Martin
Oh, hi, how are ya? Don't worry, we're leaving. I'm not going to spoil your romantic mood. [shouts down the hallway:] Hey, Ronee, what, did you fall in?!
Frasier
Good heavens, I thought that you were meeting them downstairs.
Martin
[heading to the door] That's what I thought too.
Kenny
Hey, Martin. Oh, thank God you're home, Doc. I'm going a little crazy, I need some advice.
Frasier
[trying to excuse him] Kenny, we just put dinner on the table.
Kenny
Oh thanks but I'm too worked up to eat. Doing your show today, I... I got the fever! I want to get back behind the mike. But should I quit my job, throw away my whole career and financial security just to chase some cock-a-mamie dream?!
Frasier
[with a big smile] Yes! Off you go!
Kenny
You didn't even have to think about it! You always believed in me, Doc!
Kenny
Hi. Kenny Daly.
Charlotte
[shakes hand] Hi, nice to meet you.
Frasier
This is Charlotte.
Kenny
[welling up] I'm getting all messy here. Let me just pop into the powder room real fast.
Martin
Ronee! While we're young!
Ronee
[enters] Too late! [to Frasier] Well, have a great evening, you two.
Frasier
Yes, thank you. Bye.
Ronee
Oh damn it, my contact slipped, hang on.
Kenny
[o.s. from the bathroom] Whoa!
Ronee
Whoa yourself. [closes door] Do we know him?
Niles
Knock-knock.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake!
Niles
Now, I know it's your special night but my very pregnant wife insisted we come up.
Daphne
[holding up her hands, pushing her legs together] Oh sorry, won't be a minute.
Kenny
[o.s. from the bathroom] Whoa!
Daphne
[closes the door] Oh, sorry! I'll just run down the hall.
Charlotte
Maybe I'll start over on that dinner.
Niles
I'm sorry for intruding, but nowadays Daphne can't go ten minutes... we're late for everything.
Frasier
Yes, well, you know how Chez Henri hates it when people are Late, so I tell you what, why don't we call for that elevator right now...
Frasier
And tell Henri that the first round of drinks is on me!
Simon
Whiskey, please!
Frasier
Simon?!
Simon
Oh Frasier, how are ya? [greets Frasier with a hug]
Frasier
Please leave immediately.
Simon
Hey! Oh, there's my little sister. You're not so little any more now, are you? [he advances to her pregnant bump]
Daphne
[stands back from the drunk smell] Simon, what are you doing here?
Simon
Well I heard you was knocked up so I, er, brought you a present. Come on in, lads!
Michael
Hello, sis!
Daphne
Oh my God, Michael! [hugs him] And Stephen! [hugs him]
Simon
We knew you'd be here when we went to your house and you wasn't there.
Stephen
So we took the liberty of leaving our things in your guest room.
Niles
How did you get in?
Michael
[mumbled, pointing at Niles] How did we...
Daphne
Stephen and Michael, this is my husband, Niles. [hand shakes occur] Oh and his brother, Frasier. And this is Martin and his fiancée Ronee. And, er, [looking over at the previous occupant of the bathroom] sorry, your name again?
Kenny
Kenny.
Daphne
Kenny.
Michael
So, lads, I tell you what... [mumbling] You've a lovely �ouse. [motioning around the room] It's come rhand thee're, rhand thee're... [mumbling unintelligibly] he's done bloody well for himself.
Simon
That's right, Michael. Frasier does very well for himself. Tell you what, let's take the tour.
Frasier
[hands up] There will be no tours!
Martin
Listen, uh, why don't you guys join us for dinner?
Stephen
Good, I'll lay the table. [picks up cutlery] Is this real silver? [attempts to bend it]
Frasier
Give me that! [takes it off of him]
Michael
Oh, wow, see, platey, platey, platey... [mumbling unintelligibly] It's a bloody great ash tray.
Frasier
[shrieks in terror] Put that down!
Charlotte
[teasing:] You know, we could have some real fun if you got rid of some of those people.
Simon
Oh, just give us a minute then, love...
Charlotte
Who is that creep?
Simon
You know, I'm getting some very mixed signals.
Frasier
All right, that's it! I want you all out of here! [pushing Simon] And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre's-on-fire stampede!
Simon
Yeah, all right, okay, I can take a hint, Frasier! Right. Look, that's a lovely woman that you've got for yourself. Congratulations.
Frasier
Yes, thank you.
Simon
Yeah, yeah. [looks over Frasier's shoulder at Charlotte and gestures to her] Give us a call, I'll be at Daphne's...
Frasier
Oh, get out of here!
Frasier
Because it's not a word.
Charlotte
Yes, it is.
Frasier
No, it's not.
Charlotte
Yes, it is.
Frasier
Use it in a sentence.
Charlotte
"Her grandmother's bed was warm and... quilty."
Frasier
[looking at another of her words] And why is she lying there? Because she's feeling all "befevered" again?
Charlotte
[smiling sweetly] Could I borrow your "F"? I've got a little message for you.
Charlotte
Hello. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] My car's here.
Frasier
I still don't know why you won't let me drive you to the airport.
Charlotte
No, I can't stand all that airport goodbye stuff. This is better. [goes to gather her belongings]
Frasier
Right. Uh, well then...
Charlotte
Let's not...
Frasier
...right.
Charlotte
[tearing up] Because if you start...
Frasier
Yeah. Me too. Okay. Well then, uh, good luck in Chicago.
Charlotte
Thanks.
Frasier
Got your ticket?
Charlotte
[looks in bag] Uh, yeah.
Frasier
Great, great. Oh, oh, [darts to set of drawers next to toilet] listen, I have a little something here for you.
Charlotte
Damn it. I knew you were going to do something sweet like that. I didn't get you anything.
Frasier
It's just a hair band I found in the shower drain.
Charlotte
Thanks.
Frasier
Yeah. [chuckles] Uh, let me get your coat. [he does]
Charlotte
This wasn't supposed to be so hard.
Frasier
[helping her on with her coat] I don't know about you, but I've had enough easy goodbyes. I'm kinda glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
Charlotte
[putting her hand in his] Thank you for a great three weeks.
Frasier
Bye, Charlotte.
Charlotte
Bye, Frasier.
Charlotte
Forgot my scarf!
Frasier
Oh. Oh, my fault.
Frasier
Right.
Frasier
Bye.
Charlotte
Yeah.
Charlotte
Cell phone.
Frasier
Oh. Yes. Yes. Oh, here.
Both
Ow!
Frasier
Sorry.
Charlotte
No, it's my fault.
Frasier
My word. Ah....
Charlotte
See ya.
Frasier
See ya.
Frasier
Oh for God's sake, what now?
Charlotte
We couldn't say goodbye on a head butt.
Charlotte
Feel better?
Frasier
Positively quilty.
Martin
Oh hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Martin
What are you doing here?
Niles
Escaping. I woke this morning to find Daphne's brothers playing a game called "I Can Reach It From Here." Give you a hint, the "It" was a toilet. And there were no winners.
Niles
Oh, also I stopped by to see how Frasier's holding up.
Martin
Well, he was asleep when I got home, and he's still in bed.
Niles
He's probably depressed. I'm sure this whole Charlotte thing has got him bereft...
Martin
Ooh, shh, shh!
Frasier
Morning, Dad. Hey, Niles.
Martin
Let me get you a cup of coffee. [goes to the kitchen]
Frasier
Well, I can get it.
Niles
[takes out a bag] I brought you some of those cookies you like.
Frasier
Milanos! Oh, well thank you.
Martin
Now you just sit down, I made you a little breakfast.
Frasier
I see what's going on. You think I'm in tatters because Charlotte's gone back to Chicago. Well, I'm not. [sits down] I'm not going to say I won't miss her like crazy. But we knew going in that our time was limited. We made the most of it. I have no regrets.
Simon
Morning!
Frasier
Except for leaving that door unlocked.
Daphne
We thought you might like to join us for brunch.
Frasier
Darn! ...Niles and I just reserved a squash court.
Niles
Yes! And we're on thin ice with the appointments director as it is. He's already moved our lockers next to the flip-flop drop.
Michael
[mumbling unintelligibly, gesturing around the apartment] ... this whole place... [mumbling]
Simon
That's right, Michael, Frasier has a very nice flat. But you was here last night.
Michael
...Was I?
Daphne
I think I need to sit down a minute before we go. [sinks into Martin's chair] Can you believe this baby might be two weeks late?
Stephen
[patting her belly] He's a Moon, all right! Every lad in our family was at least two weeks late. Once we get comfy, nothing budges us. Right, lads?
Simon/Michael
Right!
Daphne
Could I get a glass of water, please?
Niles
Glass of water, yes. [motions toward kitchen]
Frasier
Right, right...
Michael
Oh, Fras-or? Be a good lad... [mumbling, miming the shape of a can with his hands] nice big... [mumbling] Right, lads?
Michael
[holding up four fingers] Three!
Frasier
Do you have any idea what he's saying?
Niles
Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child.
Frasier
Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.
Niles
He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
Frasier
Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there too.
Niles
Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money! That is why I am taking action. I was going to wait to do this until tonight, but I can see that every minute is critical.
Frasier
What's this?
Niles
This is called "The Born Musician." You put this speaker on the mother's stomach, and it bombards the baby with classical music, thus instilling a taste for higher culture.
Frasier
Huh. Closest thing we had to that was Dad bongo-ing out "Babalu" on Mom's belly.
Frasier
Here we are.
Daphne
Niles, look what Stephen just gave me. You know who'll be jealous? Mrs. Zicklin from our building. Doesn't she have one just like this?
Niles
[knowingly] No, I don't think she does.
Niles
I brought you a present too. This plays soothing music for the baby. You put this speaker here [places it on her stomach] just like that, and then if you want to hear a selection of, say - oh, I don't know, Vivaldi? — you turn this dial, and then...
Daphne
Oh, goodness! He's never kicked like that before.
Stephen
We've got a little foot-baller in there!
Simon
Finally we got something we can drink to!
Michael
Well, let's go to the pub!
Stephen/Simon
YEAH!
Simon/Michael/Stephen
[singing] We hate Nottingham Forest, we hate Liverpool too...
Simon
And Leeds!
Simon/Michael/Stephen
We hate Manchester City...
Daphne
Are you coming, Martin?
Martin
Oh, I'm still waiting on Ronee. We'll meet you at the restaurant.
Daphne
Okay.
Ronee
Marty?
Martin
Hmm?
Ronee
I just got off the phone with the Branford Inn. They called to confirm our wedding reservation — for May 15th.
Martin
But we're getting married July 15th.
Ronee
Yes, but they have us down for May. Apparently July 15th is booked, along with every other weekend between now and October.
Martin
What happened?
Ronee
I don't know, you made the reservation.
Martin
For July 15th! [to the boys] Well, I love how she blames me!
Martin
Why would I randomly pick a...? [realizes] Oh, no.
Frasier
What?
Martin
May 15th — Eddie's birthday.
Niles
Well, I'm-I'm sure you can find someplace else.
Martin
Oh, but we had our hearts set on the Branford Inn. It's where we had our second date.
Ronee
Yeah, we had a little too much wine, and the couple at the next table said "get a room," and so we did. Oh, well, guess we better start thinking about Plan B.
Martin
Oh, damn. Well, I just feel sorry for Ronee. You know, her first wedding was kind of bare-boned, and that's why she had her heart set on something special. You know, a fancy menu, swing band, flowers everywhere. You need that once in your life.
Frasier
You know, Dad... Niles and I have been wondering what to get you for your wedding, and... maybe we could just give you the wedding.
Niles
You still have the Branford Inn on the 15th.
Martin
But that's, that's eight days away! You have to get a caterer, a justice of the peace...
Frasier
Well, I can officiate. I still have my license from that time I married those commitment-phobes on my Valentine's Day show.
Niles
Are they still together?
Frasier
[raises a hand] Not the time, Niles.
Martin
Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy wedding together by May 15th.
Ronee
But that's in eight days!
Niles
Well, it only took us four days to throw together our seafood- themed "Friends of the Marina Bouilla-bash."
Ronee
Well, all right, that-that's great of you guys, thank you!
Martin
Wow, what do you know?
Ronee
Yeah, leave it to the Duke and Duchess to save our behinds!
Martin
Yeah...
Frasier
I'm sorry, leave it to whom?
Ronee
What, they don't know about that one?
Martin
Just keep walking.
Both
[pointing] Well, obviously you're the duchess...
Frasier
Dancers, rehearsal is over. Please wait upstairs. I don't want anyone to see you until the floor show.
Frasier
I'm sorry, we're still setting up.
Frasier
Clint, would you please go outside and tell everyone they can't come in here until after the ceremony. It will spoil the entire reveal.
Niles
You can't blame them, it's ninety degrees out there. It's dripping wet- [realizes] I hope our Chinese acrobats are sufficiently rosined.
Martin
Holy Mackerel!
Ronee
You guys are amazing!
Frasier
Well, I'm glad you like it, you two, but listen, you've gotta go get changed, you're getting married in ten minutes.
Martin
Oh yeah, sorry, traffic was bad. We got stuck behind this old bus. A church group, I think.
Frasier
Good, our gospel choir is here! Niles, go make sure they're fitted with their angel wings and give them all a meal voucher!
Roz
Frasier!
Frasier
Roz, I'm sorry, I can't let you in, I know it's warm out there. I'll tell you what, go have a cool drink with Kenny.
Roz
I just did, he told me all about his new D.J. job.
Frasier
Oh, well good for him! I'll come down and give him a hug.
Roz
Well, bring a towel, he just sweated through a hammock. This sucks! The softest boss we ever had is leaving. Come on, Frasier, let me in.
Frasier
Oh, all right, Roz. I can't say I blame you, it's like the Ninth Circle of Hell out there!
Bebe
Do you love this weather or what?
Frasier
Bebe! What are you doing here?
Bebe
Your strategy worked, you genius.
Frasier
What strategy?
Bebe
Turning down the San Francisco job. They've offered you twenty percent more money, and thrown in a weekly TV gig on the morning news.
Frasier
Television... well, that certainly sounds tempting, but, but my home is here! There are more important things than money!
Bebe
Yes, I know. There's power. But money can buy that.
Frasier
Bebe!
Bebe
Fine!
Bebe
You don't like the terms of the deal, I'll have another swing at it. [looks out] Did that old man just faint?
Frasier
What? [runs out beside her] Oh, good lord! That's my cannon operator! At the end of the ceremony, he's supposed to fire that antique cannon. I'm not sure there's anybody else who knows how to work the damn thing. Oh...
Niles
Frasier...!
Frasier
Niles...!
Both
Disaster!
Niles
Dear God, you first.
Frasier
Our cannon man is down — heatstroke.
Niles
Our flower girl is down — drunk.
Frasier
The flower girl?!
Niles
Apparently someone gave her champagne.
Frasier
Who would give liquor to a six-year-old girl?
Simon
Party's here, lads.
Frasier
Simon! Did you give our flower girl champagne?
Simon
I may have. [off Frasier's glare] Well, the poor little thing was nervous about getting her part right.
Michael
Nervous.
Daphne
Here's our little ring-bearer. Ronee will be down in two minutes.
Frasier
Oh, great! Still no flower girl, and now no one to fire our cannon!
Michael
[looks up] Cannon?
Stephen
If it's a cannon you need fired, Michael's your man.
Daphne
Oh yeah, he's a great one for shooting things. Which foot is it that's missing two toes?
Michael
Um... [looks from one foot to another, then points to Simon's] That one!
Frasier
All right then, come along, all of you. See if you can figure out this thing.
Frasier
Now your cue to fire it is when I say, at the end of the ceremony, "ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane." You got it?
Michael
Right... [mumbles unintelligibly at length]... Boom!
Niles
Is Eddie growling?
Daphne
It's his stomach. The poor thing hasn't eaten since morning.
Frasier
Oh, for God's sakes, we can't have him rumbling up the aisle. Uh, give him some of that pate over there.
Frasier
Ooh, Roz! Do you think that we could enlist Alice to be our flower girl?
Roz
What do you say, honey?
Alice
Sure!
Frasier
Oh, that's splendid news! Here, here, take these rose petals. [gives her a basket] You're supposed to strew them in the aisle as you lead the procession in and out.
Niles
You know what, I guess I'd better give our ring-bearer his precious cargo.
Frasier
Roz, her cue to lead the procession out at the end of the ceremony is when I say, "ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane!"
Frasier
NOT NOW!
Frasier
[Walter Matthau] What the hell was that?!
Daphne
What are you looking for?
Niles
The ring. I dropped it when that cannon-
Daphne
[sees it] It's in the pate! Eddie, no!
Frasier
This is just our luck! When the gun went off, it startled a truck driver, he slammed into a lamppost. Now the entire roadway is blocked! Can anything else go wrong at this wedding?
Frasier
What?