The Doctor Is Out
Aired Sep. 30, 2003 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Oh, hello Dad, hi Niles.
Martin
Hey, Fras.
Frasier
[to the counter waiter] Uh, may I get my usual, please? [notices Niles's suit] Niles, we're playing squash in twenty minutes. Where are your togs?
Niles
Oh, yes, I had to hide them in my briefcase. I told Daphne I was seeing patients all day. It was the only way I could get out of driving her to this flower show. It's two hours there and back.
Frasier
I see. Well, we could have rescheduled. Did you really have to lie?
Niles
Did I mention we'd be joined by Daphne's mother, who's suffering from some female complaint and can't get it through her head that I'm not a gynecologist?
Frasier
Ah. Well, then you had to save yourself.
Niles
Thank you. So, please, don't tell anyone we're playing squash today. I can't have it getting back to Daphne.
Frasier
Right.
Roz
Hey, guys! [they all ad-lib hellos] I'm so glad you're here, you can meet my new boyfriend. He's the hottest guy I've dated since...
Niles
Frasier...
Roz
Okay, the hottest guy since... [cracking up] Frasier. [laughs]
Niles
That's Alistair Burke!
Frasier
I know!
Martin
Who's Alistair Burke?
Frasier
He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world.
Niles
His productions are brilliant. He staged a Phillip Glass opera last year, and no one left.
Frasier
Alistair — uh, it's, it's Frasier Crane. Uh, we met last year at the fundraiser.
Alistair
[shaking hands] Of course! You're on the radio.
Frasier
Yes, yes!
Alistair
[to Niles] And you're, uh — don't tell me...
Alistair
All right, tell me.
Niles
[deflated] Niles Crane. [also shakes hands]
Frasier
Yes, we've both got tickets to your premiere, and, oh, we can't wait to see what magic you'll work with "La Boheme."
Alistair
[arch] Well, I would be content if my Mimi would just lay off the cheeseburgers. I sat her down yesterday and I said, "you're dying of consumption, dear, not over-consumption."
Frasier
Oh, that's hilarious!
Niles
It's funny because it's bitchy.
Frasier
Yes, and how well you're looking!
Alistair
Oh, thank you.
Niles
I like your suit!
Alistair
Well, you're too kind, and it's nice to see you again. Bye- bye, take care.
Roz
Wow, that was thorough. Find any polyps up there?
Frasier
We were merely paying due respect to one of the giants of the opera world.
Barry
Hey!
Roz
Barry, hi! This is Frasier, and Niles, and Martin.
Martin
Hi — whoa, strong handshake. You look like you work out a lot.
Roz
He practically lives at the gym.
Barry
Well, it's my church.
Barry
Oh, this blouse looks amazing on you.
Frasier
Yes, it's very chic, Roz.
Roz
Well, Barry picked it out. He's the women's wear buyer at Bidwell's. He spent a whole day last week going through my closet and throwing out all the stuff I shouldn't wear anymore.
Barry
You should have seen what she was still holding on to — culottes!
Roz
Stop it!
Frasier
Well... one wonders what's been in Barry's closet a little too long. [Niles sniggers]
Martin
What are you talking about?
Frasier
Oh, come on, he didn't seem gay to you?
Martin
That guy's not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles.
Niles
[playing along] Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.
Roz
So, isn't he fabulous?
Frasier
Yes, yes, uh, fabulous sums it up in a word.
Martin
I think he's perfect for you, Roz — good-looking, friendly, [at Frasier] and not gay at all.
Roz
Who said he was gay?
Martin
Not me.
Roz
He's not gay!
Frasier
Yes, all right, Roz, but you can see how someone might get that impression, all right?
Roz
Why, because of his job? Because he takes care of himself? That is just such lazy, stereotypical...
Frasier
All right, you're right, it was a shallow, knee-jerk assumption, and unworthy of us, both as psychiatrists and men about town.
Barry
We better go, we're gonna miss the movie.
Roz
Right, bye.
Martin
See you.
Roz
[sees the tray] What, no biscotti for you?
Barry
Please — I'm a house.
Niles
Can't you walk any faster?
Frasier
I'm moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts of yours.
Niles
Well, you wouldn't need them if you hadn't burst out of your own.
Frasier
I did not burst out of them. My laundress simply over- bleached them until they had the tensile strength of a cobweb. If you're in such a hurry you should have brought your own car.
Niles
Daphne needed it for her flower show. And remember...
Frasier
Yes, yes, you were seeing patients. We did not play squash.
Niles
Is that Roz's boyfriend?
Niles
Oh, you don't suppose she told him what we were saying about him?
Frasier
No, I can't imagine she would do that. Let's just act natural.
Niles
All right.
Frasier
Where did he go?
Niles
Odd. He was just here.
Niles
"Bad Billy's." What sort of place do you think that is?
Frasier
Well, let's see. Tuesday is leather night... so it's probably some sort of shoe outlet. [then] It's a gay bar, you idiot. [Niles mouths, "I know that"] Come on, let's go.
Niles
What?! No, no, no, no! I told Daphne I was seeing patients until seven. If I'm late, she might get suspicious.
Frasier
Niles, Roz is my friend. I'm not going to let her get hurt by some man who's lying to her about himself. I'll be just a minute.
Frasier
Excuse me, uh, I'm looking for a guy.
Patron
Yeah, I kinda got that from the shorts.
Frasier
It's a particular guy — he's about thirty-five years old...
Eduardo
Frasier?
Frasier
Eduardo! [to the patron] My furniture polisher. Don't tell me you put away paste and chamois for life as a barkeep.
Eduardo
I just do this on the side.
Frasier
Oh, well, bet you're surprised to see me in here.
Eduardo
[going along] Okay.
Frasier
All right, look, I thought I saw a friend of mine come in here. He's, uh, mid-thirties, uh, wavy hair, good build...
Eduardo
Yeah, I think he's in the bathroom.
Frasier
Oh, oh...
Eduardo
Can I get you a drink?
Frasier
[still moving to the music; "why not?"] Sherry, please.
Barry
Oh, hi Niles.
Niles
Hey, Barry.
Niles
[over the music] Frasier, Barry's not here. I just saw him.
Frasier
[not hearing him] What?
Niles
Barry's not here, let's go.
Frasier
He's in the bathroom.
Niles
No, he's not. Can we just go, please?
Frasier
What did you say?
Niles
Daphne's expecting me, let's go!
Frasier
Come again?
Niles
[yelling] Oh, for God's sake...
Niles
I'm begging you, please take me home!
Frasier
You see, actually, he and I are...
Frasier
You can rationalize your actions all you want to, Kevin, but the truth is, you're just not being honest, are you?
Kevin
[v.o.] I guess I'm not, but it's not like you're so honest about everything in your life.
Frasier
I beg your pardon?
Kevin
Well, you've never told your audience you're gay.
Frasier
Excuse me?
Kevin
I saw you in a gay bar last night.
Frasier
Oh. Oh, I see. [chuckling] Yes, in fact, I did pop into Bad Billy's yesterday. You see, I thought I had seen a gentlemen I wished to speak with go in there, and I'd certainly never been in that bar before.
Kevin
Then how come you knew the bartender by name? And why were you wearing those tight little shorts?
Frasier
Well, they-they were not my shorts. You see, I'd been playing squash, and I borrowed them from my... [catches himself] uh, from my friend, who is slim-hipped.
Kevin
Yeah, kind of like that nervous guy you picked up.
Frasier
Look, I did not pick anybody up! All right, I am going to put an end to this discussion, because there is nothing to discuss. On my way home from the gym, I popped into Bad Billy's looking for a man I was hoping was in the bathroom. I had a quick sherry with my French polisher and then I left. As for how I got into another man's shorts, that is no one's business!
Roz
And we're off the air.
Frasier
[throws off his headphones] Oh, dear God!
Roz
That man you thought you saw going into Bad Billy's, that wouldn't be Barry, would it?
Frasier
All right, Roz. I-I saw him on the street, I turned, and the next thing I knew he was gone. I thought he was...
Roz
Yeah, you know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight last night?
Frasier
What?
Roz
Me, that's what! He's not gay, whereas you, Miss Marple, you've just been outed.
Frasier
Outed?!
Gil
Frasier! I am so sorry, I thought that last call was appalling.
Frasier
Thank you, Gil.
Gil
You poor man! How long you must have dreaded this dark, yet inevitable day. I so wish you could have been allowed to come out in a time and manner of your own choosing, instead of being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your cheeks crimson with shame...
Frasier
Gil, I am not gay. [packs his briefcase]
Gil
Oh, Frasier, you can't play coy once you've been caught traipsing about Bad Billy's in shorts that left little to the imagination.
Frasier
They were not my shorts! I simply borrowed them because my own had split when I bent over...
Gil
Oh, please! We don't need to know everything. I just want to say that your KACL family will be here for you as you take your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and self-acceptance and...
Frasier
Oh, shut up, you big queen!
Gil
I see Kitty has claws.
Frasier
Oh, um, another latte to go, please. [hands her some money] And you can take it out of there, thank you. [re: biscotti] I-I didn't order these.
Waitress
They're from those guys over there.
Frasier
Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee?
Martin
Nah. I can see where you might think I would, though. A guy walks into a coffee bar, he can't blame people for thinking he likes coffee.
Frasier
Yes, Dad.
Martin
Course, uh, if he didn't like it, he could make that clear to people. He might say, "I am not a coffee drinker"...
Martin
Or, "I have never tried coffee even once."
Frasier
Yes, all right, Dad.
Martin
"I am not even curious about..."
Frasier
Yes, all right! [the waitress brings his latte] Thank you.
Niles
Frasier.
Frasier
I see you caught my show.
Niles
Mmm-hmm.
Frasier
Go ahead, let's hear it.
Niles
I'm not going to tease you. I'm grateful. You could have ratted me out to Daphne, but instead, you protected me... just like a big sister should. [sniggers]
Frasier
You know, I'm glad this tickles you.
Niles
I shouldn't make fun. You people have been persecuted long enough as it is. [sniggers again]
Frasier
Are you done?
Niles
I'm done.
Frasier
[rises] I will return those shorts to you tomorrow.
Niles
No, keep them, you'll want them for the parade! [laughs, then] I'm done, now I'm done.
Alistair
Frasier!
Frasier
Oh, Alistair.
Alistair
So sorry to hear about your ordeal today.
Frasier
Oh, boy — you heard my show then?
Alistair
No, I heard the replay on "Kiki and Mel's Drivetime Circus." If it's any comfort, I went through the same thing myself once.
Frasier
Really?
Alistair
Yes, I was a guest on a call-in show, and an angry ex-boyfriend phoned in. Everything came out: names, dates, birthmarks. Had quite a chat with the wife that night. Very frank... very expensive.
Frasier
Oh, how awful for you. Of course, in my case-
Alistair
I know what might rally your spirits. I'm giving a small party after the premiere of my opera next week. Are you free to come?
Frasier
I'd be delighted!
Alistair
Splendid! Well, I must get to rehearsals.
Frasier
Oh, how are things coming?
Alistair
You can tag along, see for yourself if you like. [Niles gapes]
Frasier
I would love that! Let me just grab my coffee. [runs back to his table and does] Goodbye, Dad. [smugly] Niles.
Niles
Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party! [sulky] I was at that gay bar too, you know.
Martin
Let's see... one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. [bites his biscotti] Yep, life is good.
Frasier
Dad, please clean up that debris around your chair. Alistair is coming by.
Martin
Oh, Alistair — that's all we've heard around here all week. Alistair this, Alistair that...
Daphne
You can't blame him for being excited. It's fun having a famous friend. When I lived in England... do you know the actor Peter O'Toole?
Martin
[interested] Sure.
Daphne
I always thought it would be fun to be friends with him.
Frasier
Now, that's him. Everyone just act natural.
Alistair
Frasier!
Frasier
Alistair!
Alistair
You smell fantastic.
Frasier
Oh, it must be my new conditioner. Sandalwood with just a hint of...?
Alistair
...Cloves.
Frasier
Oh, the man's amazing. He has the musical panache of Leonard Bernstein and the nose of a Tuscan truffle hog.
Alistair
You turn my head, sir.
Frasier
Oh, well, come and meet my father, Martin Crane.
Alistair
Well, how lovely to meet you, Martin.
Martin
[shaking hands] How are you?
Alistair
Niles...
Niles
Hello.
Alistair
Love the tie.
Niles
[preening] Charvet.
Daphne
And I'm Daphne, Niles' wife.
Alistair
[disbelieving] No.
Niles
We're expecting.
Alistair
Can't say I was. How lovely to meet you, Daphne.
Daphne
Likewise.
Alistair
Frasier, this apartment is stunning.
Frasier
Thank you.
Alistair
The view — breathtaking, the art — perfect, the chair — hilarious.
Alistair
Damn. So sorry. I have to take this call. [answers phone] Hello? Placido!
Frasier
Placido Domingo?!
Alistair
[aside] Yes. [Niles also gapes; into phone] I'm here with Frasier. Yes, he's the one I told you about. Oh, stop!
Frasier
Oh, oh, yes, uh... in the kitchen.
Alistair
[heads into the kitchen; into phone] Well, you'll meet him next month at the concert in Madrid. [puts phone to shoulder] Oops! Now I've spoiled the surprise.
Frasier
[ecstatic] He's taking me to Madrid!
Martin
You just met him last week, what's going on? He kissed you.
Frasier
Well, he's a man of the theater, he kisses everyone. Well, it's not like he's the first gay friend I've ever had.
Niles
He's the first one who thinks you're gay, too.
Frasier
He does not think I'm gay.
Niles
He thinks I'm gay, and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife.
Martin
Have you told him you're straight?
Frasier
I don't have to. I mean, it's obvious — we are just friends. [crosses his arms] He is not courting me.
Niles
[notices] Is that a new watch?
Frasier
[drops his arms] So what if it is!
Daphne
Jewelry! Ooh, he's a keeper.
Frasier
Stop that! My friendship with Alistair is the best thing that's happened to me in months. I will not have you sully it by making it out to be something it's not.
Alistair
Sorry, my angel. Well, we'd best get to that tailor.
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes, we're having new tuxes made for Alistair's premiere party this weekend.
Alistair
To which you are all invited.
Niles
[gasps] Thank you!
Daphne
Will Peter O'Toole be there?
Alistair
No, and he knows why. [eats one] These are amazing! Where did you get them?
Frasier
I made them myself.
Alistair
No... is there anything this man can't do?
Niles
Time will tell.
Niles
Will you look at this crowd? It's like a Who's Who of the cr�me de la cr�me of the upper crust!
Alistair
Frasier!
Frasier
[coming over] Alistair, your production was a triumph!
Alistair
Wasn't it? [then] Smile.
Alistair
[to Niles and Daphne] Welcome, welcome.
Niles
Thank you.
Alistair
There are so many people here I'm dying for you to meet, but I have to make a little announcement first. Glinka, darling, come and meet Frasier.
Glinka
Frasier, finally!
Frasier
Oh, Glinka, it's such an honor to meet you. I have all your recordings. [kisses her hands]
Glinka
So I hear that you and Alistair are quite an item.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, no, we're just very good friends.
Glinka
[playing along] Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Alistair
Everyone! Could I have your attention, please? I have to announce that our very own Nigel Frye is retiring and giving up his seat on the Opera board...
Alistair
But I am thrilled to name as his successor a tireless supporter of opera in Seattle, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Oh! Oh, my! Oh, I never dreamed... [hugs Alistair] Oh, thank you, thank you!
Alistair
[between kisses on Frasier's cheeks] Congratu...lations.
Glinka
[aside to Niles and Daphne] Stunning couple, aren't they?
Niles
I'm more stunned by them each day.
Frasier
[hugs Daphne] Oh, Daph.
Daphne
What an honor.
Frasier
Oh my God!
Niles
Isn't it thrilling? Frasier, can we talk to you for a moment?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
Do you realize that every person in this room thinks that you're Alistair's boyfriend?
Frasier
Listen, I can't help it if people think we're a couple. The point is, I'm enjoying myself, and if you're too jealous to be happy for me, then that's your problem.
Niles
Jealous?!
Frasier
Yes, that's right. All my life, I have dreamed of being half of a power couple, and I finally am! Is it perfect? No. But it's fun, and I don't want it to end.
Daphne
Don't you worry at all that Alistair might be falling for you?
Frasier
Oh, please, the man has not even made a move on me. And do you know why? Because we are friends. Famous, fabulous friends.
Niles
Oh, uh, Alistair. Congratulations, it was a stunning production.
Alistair
Well, thank you, Niles.
Daphne
It must be awfully hard work putting on an opera.
Alistair
It is utterly draining. In fact, when I'm in rehearsals, I devote every ounce of strength to it. No exercising, no jogging, I even abstain from sex. Well, you can ask Frasier here. [caresses Frasier's chin] My poor, dear, patient Frasier.
Glinka
[comes over] Care to dance?
Alistair
I would love to. [caresses Frasier's chin again] Don't go far.
Niles
[smug again] Well, looks like Nigel won't be the only one "giving up his seat" tonight.
Frasier
I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would find it strange.
Daphne
I'm sorry.
Frasier
Damn my fatal allure.
Frasier
Alistair, when you're finished with this dance...
Glinka
[charmed] Oh no, be my guest.
Alistair
Frasier, do you have any idea how sexy you look in that tux?
Frasier
Yes, I do. Alistair, I'm afraid I may have given you the wrong impression about myself.
Alistair
You seem nervous. Don't be. And I want to thank you for waiting.
Frasier
Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.
Alistair
Oh, me too! [twirls Frasier] How it sharpens the appetite. How it builds! [dancing more against him] The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?!
Frasier
[literally, in terror] Oh yes, there it is!
Frasier
Alistair, um... listen, I-I, I'm afraid I have to tell you something. Uh... I'm not gay.
Alistair
Oh, Frasier, please don't tell me you're still struggling with those issues.
Frasier
Well, I-I like you so much, and I love our friendship. I'm afraid we can never really be more than friends.
Alistair
Would three weeks on Capri in Bertolucci's villa change your mind?
Frasier
It's worth a try. [then] No, no, no. It-it wouldn't. I'm sorry.
Alistair
[sighs] Well, then...
Frasier
I'm so sorry.
Alistair
So am I. Could I ask a small favor of you?
Frasier
Of course, anything.
Alistair
Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted.
Frasier
Of course.
Alistair
It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.
Servant
It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?
Alistair
Absolutely.
Frasier
I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
Alistair
Then you'll fit right in.