The Babysitter
Aired October 7, 2003 · Written by Jeffrey Richman · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Niles
Oh, now look at that couch. Now this is something you might want to consider for your new office. Although, I'm not sure how well that, what is that, sort of linen, is going to wear. Oh, you know what I'm going to wear at the opera fund raiser on Friday night? Or is it Saturday? I'll check my book. A lovely linen shirt with my new Zegnia suit.
Niles
That's a funny word, "Zegnia". The "g" is silent. Silent "g" like lasagna.
Frasier
Niles?
Niles
Yes?
Frasier
Do you notice that you've been awfully chatty lately?
Niles
No, but Daphne mentioned it to me this morning.
Niles
Oh, what about this one? Frasier, you really must make a decision. We've been to six stores already, and oh, that reminds me, I must cancel our squash game tomorrow...
Frasier
Don't you hear that?
Niles
Yes, now that you mention it, I do. It's sort of like a nervous tic of some kind. I wonder what could be causing it.
Frasier
Well, let's see: you do have a baby on the way. Perhaps your incessant jabbering is just a way of distracting yourself from this life changing event.
Niles
How could I have missed something so obvious?
Frasier
Well, it's not so hard to believe. You were fifteen before you discovered there was a correlation between being beaten up every day and going to school in a Panama hat.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Hmm?
Frasier
Does that woman look familiar to you?
Niles
No, but do you know what does? This couch. We're back where we started, will you pick something?
Frasier
My God! That's Ronee Lawrence.
Niles
Who?
Frasier
She used to baby-sit for us. Oh my God, I had a crush on her. She's the first girl to ever break my heart. I used to watch her through the banister, making out with her boyfriend. Chad.
Niles
Ronee Lawrence! She's the fiend who told me all those ghastly bed time stories about tiny insects that would crawl into my ears and eat my brains. Earwigs! I, I wore a football helmet to bed for a month that year!
Frasier
Yes, I know, you really had Dad's hopes up there for a while.
Frasier
Excuse me, are you Ronee Lawrence?
Ronee
That's what it says on my driver's... wait a sec. Frasier? Oh, my God, it is you.
Frasier
It's good to see you. Niles and I were just...
Ronee
Niles! Oh, my God, little Nervous Niles? I can't believe it!
Niles
Oh, well, it's all terribly true.
Frasier
You look fantastic.
Ronee
Oh, well, it's a lot of work.
Frasier
Of course it is. You know, exercise, dieting and all...
Ronee
No, I've had a lot of work.
Frasier
Oh.
Ronee
Every time something sags, drags or bags, I get Dr. Goldman right on top of it. And then I call a plastic surgeon.
Niles
Funny. Well, it's nice running into you.
Frasier
Niles, we've got a moment, I think. So, what have you been up to?
Ronee
I sing and play the piano down at the Wellington Hotel.
Frasier
Oh, great, great.
Ronee
Of course, I know what you do, mister big-time radio shrink.
Frasier
Oh, well, actually I'm getting back into private practice as well. In fact, we're here today picking out a couch for my new offices. I saw you checking out the Barcaloungers. Are you buying a chair for your husband?
Ronee
Only if it's wired for electricity. We're divorced.
Frasier
Oh, well, you know, you must come by the house to do a proper catch up. I know my dad would love to see you again.
Ronee
Well, actually, I'm free tonight.
Frasier
Well, then how about cocktails around seven? I'm at the Elliot Bay Towers, on the Counterbalance.
Ronee
Great. It'll be just like old times. Except you get to stay up late. Hey, Niles, do you remember when I used to tell you those scary bed time stories?
Niles
No, not really.
Ronee
Yeah, yeah. You thought there were earwig eggs on all the furniture and you started taking one of those hankies out and wiping off all the chairs before you'd sit in them because you were afraid...
Niles
Nothing still, I'm sorry.
Ronee
I'm glad. For a while there I was afraid that maybe I scarred you for life. Bloop!
Ronee
Well, I gotta run, I'll see you guys tonight.
Frasier
Okay, bye.
Frasier
Okay go ahead, Niles.
Niles
Oh, she put her fingers in my ears....
Frasier
I know, I know...
Niles
She was just...
Frasier
I know, give it a good one.
Daphne
So, Frasier, did you find a couch?
Niles
No, I must've tested a hundred for him.
Frasier
You know, have some sympathy, Niles. Obviously, my foot-dragging is a kind of avoidance. After all, I haven't been in private practice for twelve years. Maybe I don't have the skills anymore.
Daphne
Oh, don't worry. Your patients will never notice.
Niles
Yes, well, if he doesn't pick a couch soon, patients will be lying on the floor. What is this? It smells...oh, it's olive topinade! Your going to an awful lot of trouble for a "Drop by sometime" kind of evening. Here Daphne, try this, ooh, try one of these. Ooh, spring rolls. Oh, we found the best Chinese restaurant today...
Daphne
Niles!
Niles
Sorry.
Frasier
Still got the gift of gab, I see.
Niles
I really don't know why you insisted we be here tonight.
Frasier
I just didn't want Ronee to think I was coming on too strong. I was hoping this reunion might lead to a countdown for a future liftoff from Cape Crane-averal.
Niles
If you tortured that metaphor anymore, you'd be before a tribunal in the Hague.
Frasier
Oh, Dad. Hey.
Martin
Hey, guys. Wow, what's with the fancy spread?
Frasier
Niles and I ran into Ronee Lawrence today and she's coming over for cocktails. You remember, our old babysitter.
Martin
Oh, yeah. I remember Ronee. Pretty little thing. Yeah, how's she looking these days?
Niles
Eyes pulled so tight she could land a roll in "Flower Drum Song".
Frasier
She happens to look fabulous.
Frasier
Which you will soon see for yourself. She's playing the piano down at the Wellington.
Frasier
Ronee, hi. Come on in. Good to see you.
Frasier
Meet my sister-in-law, Daphne.
Ronee
Hi.
Daphne
Nice to meet you.
Frasier
And of course, you remember my dad.
Ronee
Of course. How are you Mr. Crane?
Martin
It's Marty and I'm just great. Gee, you haven't changed a bit.
Ronee
Oh yes I have. I can legally drink now.
Ronee
Hint hint.
Frasier
Oh right. Would you like a glass of wine?
Ronee
Yes. Thank you.
Frasier
Dad, why don't you get yourself a beer?
Martin
So, Ronee, what have you been doing with yourself all these years?
Ronee
Singing, mostly, I play at the Rendezvous Room down at the Wellington Hotel.
Daphne
Is that that place that revolves?
Ronee
It used to. It broke two years ago.
Martin
That's terrific.
Ronee
Yeah, I had a couple of shots at the big time, you know, sang in some swankier rooms, I even made an album. Ronee
Lawrence
Mood Swings. It sold about seven copies and that's when Ronee Lawrence had herself a real mood swing.
Frasier
Well I'm sure the album was just wonderful. You know, maybe I can interest you in a duet a little later.
Ronee
Oh, that'd be fun.
Frasier
Wouldn't it, though? I have a feeling that our musical styles just might harmoni...
Martin
So, Ronee, I bet you really wow them at the Rendezvous.
Ronee
You know, it's not exactly Carnegie Hall. Most of them are half in the bag and just trying not to spill their drinks. And I'm just talking about the cocktail waitresses.
Martin
This girl's a riot!
Frasier
Dad, could you help me with something in the kitchen?
Martin
Now?
Frasier
Right now!
Ronee
Don't be long, you two. Mama likes an audience.
Martin
Good. 'Cause Daddy likes to watch.
Frasier
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Martin
I was working my magic on her. Why are you so upset?
Frasier
Because I'm working a little magic of my own. And your magic was mucking up my magic!
Martin
Well, I thought you brought her here for me.
Frasier
Since WHEN do I bring you women?! What are you, the Sultan of Brunei?
Ronee
Hello? ... What? ... Oh, you're kidding. ... Yeah, yeah, okay I guess. I'll see you in a bit.
Frasier
Something wrong?
Ronee
Oh, I have to go into work. The guy who fills in on my night off called in sick.
Frasier
Oh, no.
Niles
Sorry.
Ronee
Promise me we'll do this again.
Frasier
You know we will. You can count on that.
Martin
Try to keep us away.
Ronee
Frasier, you owe me a duet. It was great to see you, Marty. You should all come down to the club sometime.
Martin
You can count on that too.
Frasier
We'll be there with bells on.
Martin
Bye.
Frasier
Bye, see you later.
Frasier
I can't believe the way you are humiliating yourself. A man your age!
Martin
Hey, she was flirting with me!
Frasier
She was flirting with me! You just got caught in the crossfire.
Martin
Daphne, you saw it. Which one of us was she attracted to?
Daphne
How stupid do you think I am? Does it say "Stupid" on me forehead?
Frasier
Fine. If you insist on humiliating yourself, how's this: I will invite Ronee over for dinner this weekend and she can choose for herself. Agreed?
Martin
Fine. Make sure she brings a friend so there's someone for you.
Martin
I'm going to McGinty's.
Frasier
You don't suppose he's sneaking down to the Rendezvous, do you?
Niles
No. Only a scoundrel would violate a gentleman's agreement that way.
Frasier
Quite right. Dad is nothing if not an honorable man. I don't know what I was thinking.
Niles
Can we give you a lift down there?
Frasier
No, I want to freshen up first. See yourselves out.
Ronee
Don't change a hair for me... [to a customer] You've only got the two. Not if you care for me... It's a good thing you've got money. Stay little valentine, stay... Like you've got anywhere else to be. Each day is Valentine's Day.
Ronee
I'm going to take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves with disappointment.
Ronee
Hey, Frasier, what a nice surprise.
Frasier
I guess I just didn't want our little reunion ending so abruptly.
Ronee
Well, you're not the only one.
Frasier
I had a feeling you might say that.
Martin
Here you go, Ronee.
Ronee
Thanks.
Martin
Hey, Fraizh.
Frasier
Dad!
Ronee
Yeah, Marty didn't want to call it a night, either. He's quite the party guy. [looking across the room] Walter, you're alive!
Frasier
You said you were going to McGinty's. How long have you been here?
Martin
Forty-five minutes. You shouldn't have spent so long on your hair, Louise.
Ronee
So boys, who needs a drink?
Martin
Yeah, I'll have another beer.
Frasier
You know, Dad, you really ought to slow down there. At his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I see you later.
Martin
Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fraizh. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels.
Martin
Of course, that was just last Christmas.
Ronee
Listen, I've gotta do another set. Are you going to stick around?
Frasier
Oh, you bet we are.
Martin
Yeah, sure. Wouldn't miss it. Ronee got me a ringside table right next to her.
Ronee
And that's because I want you and your pockets right near my tip jar.
Martin
Oh, you're after my money, huh?
Frasier
Say, Ronee, it's such a beautiful piano, it's a shame we didn't get a chance to do our duet.
Ronee
Well, let's do it now.
Frasier
Really?
Ronee
Yeah, sure. You don't mind scrunching, do you? My bench is a little small.
Frasier
I don't mind scrunching at all.
Ronee
Listen, is it just me or am I getting some signals here?
Frasier
Oh, it is most definitely not just you.
Ronee
Hi, drinkers, I'm back. And no, no, you're not seeing double, for once. I have a guest with me tonight. Believe it or not, I used to baby-sit this guy. I know, I know, how does she stay so young?
Crowd
Dr. Goldman!
Ronee
Aren't they adorable? Please welcome Dr. Frasier Crane.
Ronee
Do you know this one?
Frasier
Oh, I love this song.
Ronee
Oh, me too. You know, I'd like to sing it to someone special who's here tonight, but I'm afraid it might embarrass him.
Frasier
Oh, I'm sure you special someone would just love to hear it.
Ronee
Really? Okay then, here goes.
Ronee
I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. So tell me then why it should it be true, That I get a kick out of you?
Ronee
I think you're cute, Marty Crane. I think that if your poor hip wasn't stiff You could dance just terrifically, too. And I get a kick out of you.
Niles
Frasier? Do you realize the door's wide open?
Frasier
Yeah. Pizza guy forgot to close it when he left. What're you doin' here?
Niles
Don't you remember? We had plans to watch "Don Giovanni" on PBS.
Frasier
I'm kinda into "Wheel of Fortune" right now.
Niles
Wow, you look awfully dapper.
Martin
Yeah, I'm meetin' a friend.
Frasier
Dad, you don't have to be so coy. I know where you're goin'.
Martin
I'm havin' dinner with Ronee.
Niles
Ho-ho! So things are going well?
Martin
Oh, yeah. Great, great. Turns out she had a crush on me back in the days she used to sit for you boys.
Martin
Well, I better scoot. See you boys.
Niles
Bye, Dad.
Niles
Ooh, are those profiteroles?
Frasier
So, did you want one?
Niles
No, but thanks for offering. [sitting] Frasier, what's going on with you? You're showing classic signs of depression.
Frasier
That's because I'm depressed, you nit!
Niles
But why? Ronee and you aren't compatible. You have few interests in common, she's as coarse as sandpaper...
Frasier
Yeah, I know, I know there was no future for Ronee and me. I'm depressed, Niles. I don't know why. Wait a minute...
Niles
Yeah?
Frasier
Wait a minute... I think I can make a really great sandwich out of all my leftover chutneys.
Niles
Frasier, you have got to snap out of this. You start seeing patients soon. You realize you're only using food to fill a void. Oh, I forgot to void that check to the dry cleaner. I got my camel coat home, it had a spot the size of a krugerrand I know for a fact wasn't there when...
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Sorry. What are you doing with Dad's Velveeta?
Frasier
Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm gonna eat it.
Niles
Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.
Frasier
Oh, my God.
Niles
What is it?
Frasier
It's Viagra!
Niles
They give that away with Velveeta?
Frasier
No. It's a prescription for Martin Crane. Why do you suppose he would put it in here?
Niles
Hiding it, I assume. What better place than a box Pandora herself would be loathe to open?
Frasier
It's Dad!
Frasier
Dad. What are you doing back so soon?
Martin
Well, I forgot something. My um... brella.
Frasier
Well, you're certainly not going to find it in the kitchen.
Martin
No, I guess not.
Martin
Oh, I just remembered. Ronee wanted me to get her an appetizer.
Martin
Let's see, what looks good? Oh, Velveeta, that goes with anything.
Martin
All right, well, you boys have got your opera that you want to watch, so I'll just get out of your way. See you later.
Frasier
Now what?
Niles
Okay, we've got time to think. It's going to take him a while to discover that the pills...
Martin
All right, where is it?
Niles
Frasier took them!
Frasier
Dad...
Martin
This is pretty funny to you, huh?
Niles
No, sir.
Martin
Then what is it? You still so sore about Ronee that you're tryin' to mess things up for me?
Frasier
No, Dad, I found them by accident. I tried to put them back. I didn't mean to embarrass you. Here.
Martin
Oh, forget it. I'm just gonna cancel with Ronee.
Frasier
Dad...
Martin
No, the whole night's ruined anyway. But the important thing is you boys had your little laugh. Well, I'm glad someone enjoyed it, because I'm startin' to think that it's just too much trouble. I'm just gonna break it off.
Frasier
Why would you do that, Dad? I mean, you're not going to let what happened tonight end things with Ronee, are you? Is there something else going on here?
Martin
Well, I don't know. Ronee and I have been gettin' kinda close this week and last night we started foolin' around and it was great. I mean, I was roundin' the bases, the coach was wavin' me in, there wasn't even gonna be a play at the plate...
Frasier
Dad, it's us.
Martin
Huh? Oh, right. Well, anyway, that was when somethin' happened. Or didn't happen. Which has never not happened before, so...
Martin
I decided today to go out and get some..."cheese." I just couldn't stop picturing her the way she looked when she was a teenager. It was creepy. And even with... "cheese," I don't think I'd ever feel good about being with her.
Frasier
Dad, when she was babysitting for us, did you ever notice her?
Martin
Yeah. She was a very pretty girl.
Frasier
And did Mom ever notice you notice her?
Martin
Oh, yeah. We even had a fight once about it.
Frasier
Well, there you are. You're still feeling guilt and shame for being attracted to her all those years ago. But she's an adult now and you should really allow yourself to explore these feelings.
Niles
Very good, Frasier.
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. You know, perhaps my depression over losing Ronee was actually rooted in my feelings for her from long ago as well. After all, she was the first person to reject me. Even though she never knew it. Perhaps by pursuing her again, I was hoping to undo that first rejection, thereby erasing all the subsequent rejections in my life and giving myself a much needed shot of self-esteem.
Frasier
Did you hear that?! My analytical skills are on fire!
Niles
And your own horn-tooting skills haven't abandoned you either.
Frasier
Well, so much for worrying about whether I'm ready to get back into private practice. The answer is a resounding "Yes"!
Niles
Yes, well you better be sure because it's a completely different animal...and oh, I just remembered, the zoo is having a fund raiser, I signed you up for two hundred dollars, that's the Safari Level, you know who has malaria? Mrs. ...
Frasier
Niles! Do you realize your babbling kicks in whenever I talk about my return to private practice? Perhaps this condition of yours has less to do with baby jitters and more to do with my entering your domain. My God! If I get any hotter I'm going to set off the sprinklers!
Niles
Oh, get over yourself! Why shouldn't I be anxious? Can't I ever have one thing that's just mine? It's like when I discovered backgammon or fencing or...
Frasier
Niles, Niles! Relax, it's okay. You are an excellent psychiatrist. I couldn't eclipse you if I tried.
Niles
Thanks.
Frasier
You're sure?
Niles
Yes.
Frasier
Splendid. And Dad, you should go down and see Ronee. She must like you an awful lot, considering who she passed up.
Martin
I don't know. I know it sounds crazy, but I keep seeing her in that pony-tail and that parochial school uniform.
Frasier
Ronee didn't go to parochial school.
Martin
She didn't?
Frasier
No. That was our other babysitter, Sally.
Niles
[sitting] Oh, right. Sally the Slut. I liked her.
Martin
[rising] You mean all this time I've been thinking she was someone else? See ya.
Frasier
Dad, don't you want your "cheese"?
Martin
Nope. Thanks, boys, but I'm working without a net.