The Placeholder
Aired Oct. 14, 2003 · Written by Lori Kirkland Baker · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Skyline
The light at the top of the space needle glows.
Ann
Does he wear jewelry? Because I don't do "man jewelry."
Roz
He doesn't wear jewelry.
Ann
What about skin issues? Because I have a thing against tags, growths, any kind of fleshy masses.
Roz
Ann, he's male and his heart is beating. What else do you need to know?
Ann
Okay, yeah.
Roz
Frasier!
Frasier
Roz, I came as quickly as I could. What's the emergency?
Roz
Well, no, it's not an emergency, it's just...
Ann
[interrupting, taking Frasier's hand] Hi. I'm Ann Hodges. I'm divorced.
Frasier
[sitting] I'm sorry. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Roz
I thought you two would like to meet. Ann is in insurance.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry she dragged you all the way down here. I've just renewed my policy, but perhaps Roz could introduce you to my brother Niles.
Ann
Is he single?
Frasier
No, but with a baby on the way, he might need some additional coverage.
Ann
Super. Well, thanks a lot, Roz, this was totally worth a drive across town. [She exits.]
Roz
Are you dense? I was trying to set you guys up.
Frasier
Why would you do that?
Roz
I don't know, maybe because you haven't had a date in ages, and it's starting to show. What is that, your purse?
Frasier
This is a grocery tote. I wanted to pick up some vegetables and some cat food at the market.
Roz
You did not get a cat.
Frasier
No, no, I am catsitting for a neighbor, and I go out. I'm going out this evening.
Roz
With whom?
Frasier
People.
Roz
People you're related to?
Frasier
They're still people. Listen, Roz, I may not go out as often as you do, but that's because I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
Roz
Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr. Mothballs.
Frasier
You can smell that?
Roz
Yes.
Frasier
Oh.
Roz
You need a placeholder: someone you can go out with and just keep your dating muscles toned. That way you'll be ready when Miss Right comes along, and Ann Hodges is a born placeholder.
Frasier
I don't want to go out with somebody I'm not interested in. I would rather wait for Miss Right, and while I'm waiting, there's no reason I can't live a rich and rewarding life. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get these vegetables home and into a hearty winter soup.
Kenny
Oh, hi, guys. Hey, Doc! You're always free. My cousin's in town, why don't you help me show her the city?
Frasier
Did Roz put you up to this?
Roz
I had nothing to do with it, I swear to God.
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Kenny, but I am booked all this weekend. Oh, here's luck! I found a perfectly good thimble in this pocket! See you later.
Roz
Thanks anyway.
Kenny
Hey, I tried.
Niles
[over fade-in] Reservation for Crane.
Maitre d'
[French accent] For four, sir?
Niles
No, sorry, for five. [Frasier raises his hand.] We added one.
Maitre d'
All we have is a table for four.
Ronee
We can all squeeze. This one's always on my lap after the second drink anyway.
Maitre d'
Very well, Madam. [to a waiter, under his breath and irritated] Get the chair.
Frasier
You know, there's really no need to go to all this trouble. I have a perfectly good winter soup back home.
Frasier
All right, um, Well, um...
Frasier
I'm sorry, do you have anything higher?
Maitre d'
[condescending] Sorry, Sir. I will look for a cushion.
Martin
So Fras, tell everybody about that new antique you picked up today.
Frasier
Well, it's-it's a late Regency fruitwood mirror. Very valuable if it has the original glass, which mine does.
Martin
No!
Niles
What are the odds?
Martin
If you like mirrors, you should see the one Ronee's got in her dressing room. It's got lights all around the edges, and it has three settings.
Ronee
Yeah, daytime, nighttime, and... yikes.
Frasier
Oh, yes, excuse me, if I could get a place setting, that would be lovely.
Daphne
What's Inizio Due Cuore?
Waiter
That's our appetizer sampler for two. A bruschetta for you, a bruschetta for your love, and so on.
Frasier
Is it possible to make that for one?
Waiter
[disbelieving] One?
Frasier
[irritated] Yes, a bruschetta for me, no bruschetta for my love, and so on.
Waiter
I'm sorry, it's due or no.
Niles
That's fine, we'll get two orders and we'll just all share.
Waiter
Very good.
Niles
Mmm. Looks delicious.
Ronee
This is fun, you know this is the first time Marty and I have been our with another couple. [an uncomfortable pause] And Frasier, it's fun being out with Frasier too.
Frasier
All right, listen, all of you just knock it off.
Owner
[announcing] Welcome everyone! 42 years ago tonight, I married my beautiful Theresa. And now, we hope that all you loving couples out there will help celebrate our happiness by joining us in a dance.
Niles
I'll have the fish, I believe.
Frasier
Oh, just go dance!
Frasier
Hello, Mr. Bottomsley. [He hangs up his coat.] Dinner was an absolute nightmare. Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat. [He chuckles, indicating the box.] Fresh tuna. You're welcome.
Roz
[v.o.] Frasier, this is Roz. Write down this number: 555-0179. Don't get mad, that's Ann's number. I talked to her, and she really thought you were cute and sweet and...
Frasier
Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr. Bottomsley?
Frasier
Well, what shall we two bachelors do this evening, Mr. B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle. Maybe watch a little telly. Oh, I know--how about a nice hot bath? [Mr. Bottomsley gives Frasier an alarmed, warning look.] I'm just teasing. Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna, so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better. If only there were a treat here for me. Ah, what's this? A delicious nine- vegetable winter soup. [He sniffs the soup.] Yes, Mr. B, I think you were right about the bay leaves.
Frasier
Ah, Mr. Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir. Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid. Here you go.
Frasier
Well, isn't this civilized.
Frasier
Beat it, Eddie, there's none for you. [Eddie runs back.] Do you feel a draft, Mr. B? I'm just a little bit cold. [He places an afghan over his back like a shawl.] That's better. [He blows on a spoonful of soup.] Hmm, that's still a little too hot. You know what, while we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our... antique. [He picks up Mr. Bottomsley and starts to pet him.] There we are, yes, now.
Frasier
You know, you don't find one of these very easily. Especially in such good condition. Won't that covetous Niles be mad when he sees this, hmm? But he can't have it, can he, nooo. Yes, he can't have it, can he, no, no...
Frasier
[normal voice] Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley!
Frasier
What's that number?