I'm Listening
Aired 28th October 2003 · Written by Heide Perlman · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Skyline
Lightning flashes.
Ronee
[singing] Good morning, good morning, I'd like a bagel too, and schmear it, with cream cheese, thank you...
Frasier
Excuse me, excuse me! Did it occur to you that some of us might still be trying to sleep?
Martin
Oh, lighten up, Fras, Ronee was just showing me how she can change the lyrics to any song to suit the occasion.
Frasier
Yes, very impressive. Does she take requests?
Martin
Sure!
Frasier
Stop it!
Ronee
You know what you need, Grumpy? A nice hot breakfast. Marty, why don't you get Grumpy here some breakfast?
Frasier
I don't want any breakfast, and please stop calling me that.
Ronee
[singing] Got me some ham, and some cakes on the griddle/ Whoo! Good God, he's a grumpy boy!
Martin
You see what she just did?
Frasier
Yes, it's mind-boggling. Listen, Dad, do you mind giving me a ride to work today? My car is in the shop.
Martin
Again?
Frasier
Well, yeah, my seat-warmer's stuck on high, so I tried to offset it by blasting the air conditioner, which resulted in sort of a fog bank on my dashboard.
Ronee
I can give you a ride, Fras. I mean, it's just an old Caddy, so there's nothing fancy like butt warmers or seat belts.
Frasier
Fine. Let me just make sure my will is in order, and I'll be back in a minute.
Martin
Well, I'm going to go take a shower.
Frasier
[on his way out] Don't use all the hot water!
Martin
I know. Gotta leave enough for milady's tub.
Ronee
Oh, that's okay, I can take a shower too.
Martin
I wasn't talking about you.
Ronee
Hello? Oh, Richard, hi.
Ronee
Listen, this really isn't a good time. I was just heading into a yoga class and... yeah. No, I would love to have dinner. That sounds fun. Okay, I'll see you then, sweetie.
Frasier
You know, I got two steps in my room and realized I'd forgotten - ah, there it is.
Ronee
[singing] There it is, Frasier's coffee cup...
Frasier
You are a national treasure.
Frasier
Niles! Thank God you're here. Listen, there's something I need to discuss with you.
Niles
Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm in the middle of composing a plea to Alfred Antin in the meter of Dr. Seuss.
Frasier
Who?
Niles
Theodore Geisel, the children's author. You know, "I do not like green eggs and ham/ I do not like them, Sam-I-Am..."
Frasier
Yes, yes, I know who Dr. Seuss is, you ninny. Who's the other guy?
Niles
Oh-oh, Alfred Antin. He's Seattle's premier scenic painter specializing in children's rooms. His billowing clouds can be seen scudding across the ceilings of the finest nurseries in town, but he's booked solid. So I thought if I wrote this...
Niles
Oh, you've lost interest, haven't you?
Frasier
I was feigning interest to begin with. Niles, I-I need your advice on something. Uh, this morning, I-I heard Ronee on the phone make a date with another man.
Niles
Are you sure?
Frasier
I'm positive. She was talking to a man, yes, and in honeyed tones.
Niles
Mm...
Frasier
Here's my predicament. I-I don't want to meddle, but I also don't want to see Dad get hurt. So, how do you suggest we tell him?
Niles
[looks up, surprised] "We?"
Frasier
Yes, "we."
Niles
Don't drag me into this, I don't know a thing about it.
Frasier
You know as much as I do, I just briefed you.
Niles
Well, I didn't want to be briefed.
Frasier
Well, then you should have said something, now you're in as deep as I am! You can't unscramble an egg, Niles.
Niles
What are you talking about?!
Martin
Oh, boys, boys, boys, I'm glad I caught you. Did you see this?
Niles
[reading] "Doo-wop-alooza"?
Martin
Yeah, one night only. All the greats of doo-wop: The Coasters, The Platters, and that guy from The Teenagers is back from his hip replacement.
Niles
Wow...
Frasier
Yes...
Martin
Oh, I know you guys aren't interested in modern music, but Ronee would really love it. I was hoping maybe you could use your connections to maybe score us a couple of seats?
Frasier
Well, I'm afraid I'm not very well-connected in the doo-wop world, Dad. Uh, if there's ever a "Mahler-palooza," I'm your man.
Niles
Dad, I'll ask around. [gathers his letter] I have to go. I'm off to try and win the heart and mind of A. Antin. I'll go and meet him with my Daphne/ and hope that things don't go ker-phaphne!
Martin
Hey, Fras, sorry again about this morning, you know, me and Ronee waking you up. We were just having a little fun.
Frasier
That's all right. It's great to have a fling once in a while, isn't it?
Martin
Hey, let me tell you something. You don't go to Doo-wop- alooza with a "fling."
Frasier
I see.
Martin
You got something you want to say, son?
Frasier
No.
Martin
Fine. [signals the waiter]
Frasier
Well, all right, if you insist on dragging it out of me. Something happened this morning, Dad.
Martin
What?
Frasier
Well, I was, uh, walking down the hall to retrieve my coffee, and, uh, Ronee was on the phone, and I didn't want to interrupt, so I waited, and I heard her make a... a date with another man.
Martin
So you eavesdropped, huh?
Frasier
No.
Martin
Well, a person's having a private conversation. You stop and listen - that's eavesdropping!
Frasier
Dad, it was completely by accident. I understand why you'd be upset, but please don't shoot the messenger.
Martin
Well, the messenger's got it coming if he's a dirty little eavesdropper! You walk into a private conversation, you make your presence known by some subtle way. You can-can clear your throat- [clears throat] you can make a noise- [hits the table]
Frasier
Dad, please!
Martin
[gets up] You know, just because people call in for your precious pearls of wisdom on the radio, it doesn't give you a free pass to get into everybody's business! Now I know why you're always saying, "I'm listening" - because you always are!
Frasier
Oh, well, I'm glad the two of you found that so amusing, but as you just heard, it is rude to listen in on other people's conversations.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, come on in.
Niles
Hey, Frasier. Hi, I'm just here to drop off these Doo-wop- alooza tickets for Dad.
Frasier
Oh well, that was good luck, how did you manage it?
Niles
Well, actually, Alfred Antin and his wife are big doo-wop fans, and the couple that was going with them canceled, so-so they let...
Niles
They let me have the tickets. What are we looking for?
Frasier
Well, my money clip. Have you seen it?
Niles
Rarely.
Frasier
I've misplaced it, [kicks Martin's chair in frustration] and it's distracting me no end.
Niles
Anyway, Dad was thrilled when I told him I found the tickets.
Frasier
Oh well, I'm glad to hear that. He was just a bit vexed when he left me earlier this morning.
Niles
Over what...? [gasps] Frasier, you told him about Ronee's date!
Frasier
As we agreed!
Niles
"We"?
Frasier
Yes, "we."
Niles
There's no "we!" There's never been a "we!"
Frasier
Oh, give it up, Niles! There's blood on both our hands! [checks his watch] Oh, gosh, I better go eat something. I've got my reading in twenty minutes.
Niles
Reading?
Frasier
Yes, yes, I'm, uh, reciting "Annabelle Lee" for the Poe Society this evening. I-I don't mind telling you, I'm just a bit nervous.
Niles
Oh, don't worry - po' folk don't �spect much.
Niles
I had to say that. Well, I'm off.
Frasier
Yes.
Martin
It's this amazing doo-wop show...
Martin
...all the greats, one night only this Sunday.
Ronee
Sunday? I'm sorry, I-I, I made plans.
Martin
Oh, plans, huh? Uh... what kind of plans?
Ronee
Look, Marty, I like you too much to lie to you. I, I have a date.
Martin
Oh, oh, it's no problem, yeah. Uh, want a drink?
Ronee
Oh no, I better not, I'm working. Just a beer.
Ronee
You're not upset, are you? I mean, you know, we never really talked about not seeing other people.
Martin
Oh no, it's fine, no, no! I'm seeing other people too.
Martin
Maybe I'll ask, uh... Sheila! Yeah, she'll be all over this one. So, uh, how about another night?
Ronee
Yeah, sure. Um, what about Tuesday?
Martin
Great!
Ronee
Great. [then] Wow, I had no idea it was this late.
Ronee
[o.s.] So, I'll call you about Tuesday.
Ronee
Frasier, what are you doing?
Frasier
I didn't know you two were home. Uh, I was just cleaning the oven, I must have dozed off.
Ronee
Cool. Well, I gotta run. Goodnight, you two.
Martin
See ya.
Martin
You have a disease!
Frasier
Dad, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let me explain-
Martin
No, there's nothing to explain! I told you not to eavesdrop and you did it again, you are a very sick person!
Frasier
I tried to announce myself, I had a mouthful of apple rendering me speechless!
Martin
Oh, I was a cop, you think I haven't heard that one before?
Frasier
You are just angry because I heard you lying to Ronee. You really expect to win Ronee's heart by inventing fictitious girlfriends? "Sheila," indeed!
Martin
[floundering] It's none of your business, and... you weren't supposed to hear it!
Frasier
Well, I did hear it.
Martin
No, you overheard it. It's like an illegal wiretap - it's inadmissible!
Frasier
Dad, you cannot build a relationship on lies!
Martin
Inadmissible!
Frasier
Dad!
Martin
IN-ADMISSIBLE!
Frasier
Fine!
Daphne
Why can't your father just go to the concert by himself?
Niles
Because Alfred Antin will be offended if we don't use his tickets, and then he won't paint our nursery. [pleading] Don't you want to be the one to go with him?
Daphne
Forget it, Niles. We flipped a coin, and you were the doo- wop-a-loser.
Martin
Hey, Niles. Ready to bob-bob-she-bob?
Niles
[rises in horror] Oh, dear God. Is it a dance? Am I going to have to move about?
Martin
No, you don't have to, but you're going to want to.
Niles
[one last try] Daphne?
Daphne
I'm pregnant.
Niles
What does that have to do with it?
Daphne
It's my blanket excuse until the baby is born. After that, it'll be, "I can't leave the baby." Get used to it.
Ronee
Marty, hi.
Martin
Ronee, hey.
Ronee
Oh uh, this is Richard. [introducing] Martin, Daphne, Niles.
Richard
So how do you all know each other?
Martin
Well, uh...
Niles
Ronee was my baby-sitter. I was a little monster.
Richard
[to Martin] And you?
Martin
Um...
Martin
Sheila! Where have you been?
Martin
This is my date, Sheila. [to Roz] Got stuck at work, huh? [he says gently nodding his head]
Roz
Uh, yeah?
Martin
Sheila's a model. She does all those big auto and RV shows. [to Roz] Point to something.
Ronee
Wow, impressive. Nice meeting you. [steers Richard to the counter] Let's get ours to go.
Richard
Oh, but I thought...
Ronee
Roll with the punches, Dick.
Roz
What are you doing?
Martin
I'm trying to make her jealous. Just go with it.
Roz
But I'm meeting my own date here.
Niles
Dad, the concert starts in fifteen minutes, and Alfred Antin will be very angry if we're late.
Martin
Well, I can't leave unless Sheila comes with me.
Roz
Hello? Sheila has a date.
Niles
That's it. [plucks the tickets out of Martin's pocket, to Daphne] You and I are going.
Daphne
[groans] Oh, do we have to?
Niles
Yes. [gets her up]
Daphne
Do we really need clouds on the ceiling? Couldn't we just push the crib closer to the ceiling?
Niles
Why even use a crib? Let's put him in a pizza box!
Roz
Stop it!
Martin
Oh, you - work with me here!
Roz
Okay, okay...
Larry
Roz?
Roz
[breaks apart] Larry, hi. This is my dad.
Larry
Hello. You brought your dad on our date?
Roz
Oh, of course not. He was just leaving, aren't you, Dad?
Martin
Yeah, but not until I finish my coffee.
Roz
[looks] You don't have any coffee.
Martin
Uh, get me one, would you, Larry?
Frasier
Dad, what are you doing here? Hi, Roz. [sees Larry] Uh, hello.
Larry
Hi. [to Roz] Is your brother joining us too?
Roz
He's not my brother.
Martin
Oh now, that's no way to be. [she gives him a scalding glare] Still waiting on that coffee, Lar.
Frasier
Okay, what the hell's going on?
Martin
Nothing.
Ronee
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Ronee.
Ronee
See you, Marty, Sheila.
Martin
Take care, bye.
Frasier
So you've been pressed into service as Sheila, hmm?
Roz
[feels her cheek] Pressed is right - he nearly bit my lip off.
Larry
Here you go, Mr. Doyle.
Martin
Ah, thanks.
Roz
Come on, Larry, we're leaving.
Larry
It was nice meeting you, Mr. Doyle. And you can owe me on that coffee - it was $3.75 and I flipped a quarter in the tip jar.
Roz
I'll be home early, Dad.
Frasier
Dad, when are you going to stop playing games and tell her how you feel?
Martin
It's too soon. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks. I don't want to scare her off.
Frasier
How do you know you're going to scare her off?
Martin
Well, look at her, Fras. She's young, she's got all these guys after her. I'm lucky she even gave me a second glance. I don't want to blow it by looking like some desperate old guy with no options.
Frasier
It's not desperate to tell somebody how you feel about them.
Martin
What if she doesn't feel the same way?
Frasier
What if she does and you never find out?
Frasier
Dad... just give her a call and tell her you want to talk to her.
Frasier
Was that a "leave me alone" grunt, or a "you've bested me again, son, with your unassailable logic" grunt?
Frasier
I thought so.
Frasier
Hey, Dad. What are you watching?
Martin
Sports wrap-up.
Frasier
Sports wrap-up? Oh, that sounds like fun.
Frasier
[watching] Oof! [chuckles] Oh, gosh, that's not very sportsmanlike.
Martin
[realizing] I called her, okay? Not that it's any of your business.
Frasier
So?
Martin
[turns off the TV] I left a message. I'm glad she wasn't there, I don't know what I'll say if she calls back.
Frasier
Well, you did the right thing, Dad. I am proud of you.
Martin
I don't know. The whole thing's making me nervous. You know, I know why she's not calling me back. She just doesn't know how to tell me she's dropping me for Richard.
Frasier
Well, who said anything about dropping you?
Martin
No one, apparently, or you would have overheard it.
Frasier
Oh hi, Ronee.
Ronee
Hi, Frasier.
Martin
Ronee, I didn't expect to see you tonight.
Ronee
Well, I got your message, and I was in the neighborhood. So, what's up?
Frasier
Oh, uh... I was just heading out.
Ronee
What, at this hour? I never thought you were such a night owl.
Frasier
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love clubbin'.
Martin
I-I thought you'd just call.
Ronee
Well, you know, I was going to, but it sounded like maybe we needed to talk face-to-face.
Martin
Yeah.
Ronee
Marty, is this about that woman I saw you with tonight?
Martin
Well... kind of.
Ronee
Yeah, I thought so.
Ronee
Look, whatever it is, why don't you just come out and say it?
Martin
Yeah, all right. Well, um... I'm not the kind of guy who... hey, you want a beer?
Ronee
Oh boy, do I need one?
Martin
[heading to the kitchen] No, I think we could both use one.
Martin
[from the kitchen] Oh, would you get that? Frasier probably forgot his key.
Ronee
Yeah, sure.
Ronee
Oh, Sheila. I kind of thought your date was over.
Roz
Well... maybe it is... [sultry] maybe it isn't.
Ronee
Gotcha. Uh, just tell Marty: message received.
Roz
[not getting it] Okay.
Martin
Hey Roz, what are you doing here?
Roz
I found Frasier's money clip. [holds it up] Is he home?
Martin
No, uh-huh. [looks around] Where's Ronee?
Roz
Oh, don't worry. ["points" to the door] "Sheila" showed Ronee the door.
Martin
What?! [rushes to the door] What the hell did you do that for?!
Roz
[after him] Hey, I have no control over what Sheila does.
Frasier
Oh good, Niles, you're back. How was the concert? Well, you're the one who wanted that cloud mural. I'm sure Pope Julius had to jump through similar hoops to get Michelangelo to paint his ceiling.
Frasier
Dear God, I think I've just realized where I must have dropped my money clip - Ronee's car. She gave me a ride in it the day I lost it. [looks closer] Well, that's irresponsible of her. She's left it open.
Man
Excuse me?
Frasier
Oh yes, of course.
Frasier
There we are.
Man
Thank you.
Frasier
Anyway, I thought I'd swing by and take us both out for a nightcap. All right, great.
Frasier
Oh, by the way, Niles, I spoke with Dad, and he has taken our advice about talking things over with Ronee. Mine and yours, that's what I mean by "our!" Oh, take some responsibility for once in your life, man!
Ronee
You could have at least warned me that Sheila was on her way up!
Martin
Ronee, it's all a misunderstanding-
Ronee
Marty, I really don't want to hear it!
Martin
Well, you're going to hear it, because I'm not leaving!
Martin
Fine, just get in the car if you want to. [opens the passenger door and gets in beside her] We're just going to sit right here until you hear it all.
Ronee
Okay, go ahead. But you better make it good, because I have a finely tuned crap-ometer.
Martin
There is no Sheila. Her name's Roz. She's Frasier's secretary. I just pretended we were together.
Ronee
Forget it, Marty.
Martin
No, I know how this sounds, but it's true.
Ronee
Why would you do that?
Martin
Because I had gotten these concert tickets to impress you, and then when you said you had a date, I got... well, I got jealous so I said I was getting a date too, and then there you were in Nervosa, and when Roz came in, I made her Sheila. [pause] Do you believe me?
Ronee
You know, it's actually a little hot.
Martin
[grinning] Really? [then] Look, Ronee, uh, maybe I'm old- fashioned, but I know when something feels right. I don't want to see anybody else. I want to be exclusive, go steady, whatever they call it now. Well, that's my story. What about you?
Ronee
[sighs] Well... God, it's freezing in here! I had a blanket.
Ronee
Okay. Since we're being honest, well, I-I've done my share of dating, and I haven't always made the best choices. I've dated the bad guys, the guys who can't commit, the guys who won't grow up, the creeps with the nice suit, the pathological liars...
Martin
Okay, I got it.
Ronee
Anyway, and then I started dating this really good guy - you.
Ronee
And I guess I-I just wanted to keep my options open with Richard because I wasn't sure how you felt about me. But now I am.
Ronee
Now would be the time to put your class ring on a chain around my neck.
Martin
[playfully] Well, I got one upstairs. Want to come get it?
Ronee
Wait, wait...
Ronee
I've got a better idea. I know this secluded beach that's miles away from anything. You want to go there and steam up the windows?
Martin
Oh, yeah.