Maris Returns
Aired November 4, 2003 · Written by Chris Marcil · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Niles
Mmm, that lemon sunrise smells refreshing.
Daphne
Ugh. Tastes like a cup of cold sink. Oh, it's hell to be pregnant.
Niles
I know.
Daphne
No you don't.
Niles
No I don't. And that's why I got you this present.
Daphne
Belle de Jour Day Spa?
Niles
Yes, it's for this afternoon. I think you need a little pampering.
Daphne
Oh, Niles. I'm so lucky to have a husband who's so tolerant of my...
Niles
Mood swings?
Daphne
[crossly] I would have come up with it, I'm not stupid!
Frasier
Hello, all.
Niles
Hey
Daphne
Hello.
Frasier
What a glorious morning it is, isn't it? [to the counterman] May I get my usual, please?
Niles
Well, well. Nice to see you're approaching your first day of private practice with such an upbeat attitude.
Frasier
Yes, I'm like an eager school boy on his first day of fractions. So, how was the Van Laningdams' party last night? Weren't you lucky to snare an invitation?
Niles
Yes!
Daphne
No!
Niles
No.
Daphne
[rising] Well, I'd better get over to your father's.
Niles
Call me later.
Daphne
I will. Thanks again for my day of beauty.
Daphne
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
Niles
Did you snap at me? I didn't even notice.
Daphne
That's because you don't listen!
Frasier
Ah, the mood swings. Takes me back.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
Well, anyway, in honor of your first day, I want to take you out to lunch. There's a wonderful Indian restaurant right across the street from our building.
Frasier
Actually, can we order in from them? You see, I'm booked except between the hours of 11:45 and 12:30.
Niles
All right. My, that's certainly an ambitious first day.
Frasier
Yes, well, I really want to pack in all I can. That's why I took the day off from my radio show.
Niles
Well, happy sailing through the choppy waters of the dysfunctional and the disturbed.
Daphne
Optional eyebrow wax? What is that supposed to mean?!
Frasier
Same to you, Skipper.
Peggy
Dr. Crane? I'm Peggy. I hope I'm not late.
Frasier
Not at all, won't you come in? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, please, be seated.
Frasier
First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Peggy
You know I'm just the temp?
Frasier
Oh, well, I see my first patient is here, if you could just see her in. Thank you.
Peggy
[rising] Righty-o.
Peggy
Go right in.
Jane
Hello Dr. Crane, I'm Jane Walsh.
Frasier
Hello, Jane. Please, be seated, won't you? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just for one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Jane
Have we met?
Frasier
Ah. I am in the media. So my face is recognizable. But don't let that inhibit you.
Frasier
Please, what's on your mind?
Jane
Okay, um... Well sometimes I feel this, this kind of sadness hanging over me.
Frasier
I see. And is this sadness triggered by anything...
Jane
Wait. Did you used to date a woman named Stephanie Walsh?
Frasier
Yes, a few years ago.
Jane
She's my sister. Yeah, I met you at a party once.
Frasier
Oh. Well, then I'm glad that we cleared that up. Now, this sadness of yours, is it a general...
Jane
I'm sorry. I was just remembering something. Uh, yeah, I'm sad all the time.
Frasier
Yes, well, you are now at a place where you can feel free to express your...
Jane
I'm sorry. I was just thinking about something my sister told me about you.
Frasier
Well, perhaps we should discuss it.
Jane
Okay. Um, you were in bed with my sister and, uh, right in the middle of things I guess you called her "Milady"?
Frasier
I see.
Jane
I'm sorry.
Frasier
No, no, please. It's important that you feel free to express yourself to me. Please, go on.
Jane
All right. It became this, like, running joke between me and my sister. She called me "Milady" and I called her "Milady" and my mother started doing it and now my aunt has a cat named "Milady".
Frasier
This isn't going to work, is it?
Jane
No, I don't think so.
Frasier
Okay.
Jane
I am so sorry, again.
Frasier
Oh, please, not at all. It's just fine.
Frasier
And best of luck conquering that constant sadness.
Peggy
If you're done, Dr. C, your next patient is here.
Frasier
Already?
Alex
Yeah, that's me.
Alex
I find it's best to be no later than a half hour early. Saves a lot of anxiety.
Frasier
[sitting down] First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Alex
No, this won't work.
Alex
Thanks. Bye.
Peggy
Sir. Sir!
Frasier
That's all right Peggy.
Niles
Goodness. Done with your ten o'clock already?
Frasier
That was my eleven.
Niles
Hello? Calm down! Calm down! What is it? I was planning on lunching with Frasier. No, if it's that urgent, I... I'll see you then.
Frasier
[rising] Oh, dear. What's got Daphne all worked up now?
Niles
It wasn't Daphne. It was Maris.
Frasier
Maris?!
Niles
I haven't spoken to her for months. She says she needs to see me.
Frasier
About what?
Niles
I don't know. She was hysterical. I haven't heard her this panicked since her strength gave out halfway through a revolving door. I have to cancel lunch.
Frasier
Can't you see her after lunch?
Niles
I have patients.
Frasier
Before, then.
Niles
I'm sorry, this just won't work out.
Peggy
Well you could at least give him a chance. It's his first day!
Martin
Excuse me, I'm crazy and I need to see the doctor.
Frasier
Hello, Dad.
Martin
I brought you this for your office.
Frasier
Thank you. Why don't you have a seat?
Martin
What you doin' there?
Frasier
Well, I'm just trying to figure out this chair from Stockholm Design. The instruction booklet alone would account for the high suicide rate.
Niles
Hey.
Martin
Oh, hey Niles.
Niles
Hi.
Frasier
Listen, how did things go with Maris?
Martin
Maris?
Niles
She invited me to lunch at Le Toque.
Niles
She's gotten involved with some Argentine polo player. Turns out he's a cad and a gold digger, with a violent temper to boot.
Martin
That's probably what she put in her ad.
Frasier
So, Niles, what did you tell her?
Niles
I told her to leave him. And if he causes trouble, get a restraining order. She's very upset by the whole thing. Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her snail. I'm supposed to be seeing Daphne, she's going to love this.
Martin
Well, you're not going to tell her, are you?
Niles
Well, I think I have to. Don't I?
Martin
You don't tell your pregnant wife you had lunch with your ex.
Frasier
Yes, I agree with Dad. Normally, I'm a proponent of telling the truth, but as a man who's dealt with a pregnant spouse, I say lie, lie until your pants are on fire.
Niles
I see your point, of course, but this isn't just a little fib to cover up some after-work shoe shopping. This is a big lie. I'm, I'm just not comfortable with it.
Peggy
Dr. Crane? I'm back from lunch. Your next patient is here.
Frasier
Thank you, Peggy. Well, I'd love to stay here and chat, but duty calls.
Peggy
If you want to wait, he's usually very quick.
Frasier
Thank you, Peggy.
Carol
Hello, Dr. Crane. I'm Carol Dryden.
Frasier
Hi, Carol. Please come in. Won't you sit down?
Frasier
Welcome. Whether our journey lasts for several years or just for a day, I want you to know how excited I am to take this first step with you. So, what's on your mind?
Carol
Uh, I guess I have trouble asserting myself?
Frasier
Uh huh. How so?
Carol
Well, like last week I was supposed to have dinner with some friends and...
Frasier
There we are. Please, why don't you go ahead?
Carol
Anyway, I really didn't feel up to dinner, but I'm the kind of person that hates to disappoint people, and I was the designated driver as usual...
Frasier
I'll tell you what, I'm just going to get another chair. And why don't you keep talking, if you like I can still hear you.
Carol
So, we go to dinner and my two friends on either side of me are talking over me like I'm not even there.
Carol
And then, when dinner arrived, my meal didn't come and no one even noticed.
Carol
I guess, after a while, that kind of thing gets to you? It's like people aren't paying attention to me?
Frasier
I can see how that would be very frustrating for you.
Carol
And I'm a good person, but sometimes I just feel like the whole world is shutting me out.
Niles
Oh, there you are. I was just calling to see if you were on your way.
Daphne
I used to move faster before I was carrying your child around in me.
Niles
Why don't I get you a soothing cup of herb tea and then I'll tell you what an interesting lunch I had today.
Daphne
Hello? Yes, he just stepped away. Who's calling? What do you want, Maris?
Daphne
It most certainly is my business. He's my husband now, you leave him alone.
Daphne
That was Maris! She has some nerve calling after all she put us through. How stupid does she think you are that you'd have anything more to do with her?
Niles
Right.
Daphne
Cheer me up. Tell me about your interesting lunch. Who was it with?
Niles
Frasier.
Daphne
You have lunch with him all the time. Wait a minute, I spoke to him earlier, he told me he was eating in.
Niles
And that's the interesting part. Because just then Dad showed up and that clogged ear of his was acting up, so I took him to the doctor.
Daphne
That's not interesting. And your father told me he was going to the dog track.
Niles
And that's where it gets interesting, because, after the doctor we had lunch at the dog track. Let me just go check on your tea.
Martin
Hey, Daph.
Daphne
Hello, Martin. How are your ears?
Martin
Huh?
Daphne
[louder] How are your ears?!
Niles
Dad, Dad, there you go. [He sets her tea down.] I was just telling Daphne that I had lunch with you at the dog track.
Martin
Right.
Niles
After the ear doctor.
Martin
Right. And how about that flat tire on the freeway? Niles helped me change it.
Daphne
All right, now I know you're lying. It all makes sense, now. First you get me out of the house with that spa, then this ridiculous story... You're throwing me a surprise baby shower tonight, aren't you?
Martin
That's it! Yeah. But promise you'll look surprised when you come in through the door.
Daphne
Oh, Niles, you are the sweetest man alive!
Niles
Well, I should run. The party's tonight and I have one or two finishing touches to attend to.
Niles
Come along, Dad.
Martin
Huh?
Niles
Come along.
Martin
Oh, uh, gee, well you know, my ear's really startin' to...
Niles
Get in the car!
Roz
Hey, Niles. Not a bad party for two hours' notice.
Niles
It's a disaster!
Niles
None of Daphne's friends could make it. I told the caterer I wanted a maternity motif, he thought I said "fraternity" and now we have three kegs of beer and a six foot hoagie.
Kenny
Great spread, Niles.
Kenny
Kenny Daley, Frasier's boss. Roz invited me. Sorry I didn't bring a present.
Niles
Actually, you did. A baby blanket. You'll find it in the pile on the table.
Kenny
Great. Oh, by the way, your wife's a peach.
Niles
My wife isn't here yet.
Kenny
Oh, no. Whose stomach did I just rub?
Roz
Wow, Frasier, you're really stuffing your pie-hole.
Frasier
Look, I've had a very tough day. I'm entitled to a little comfort food before my evening appointment.
Roz
That was pretty.
Martin
Let me give you a tip, son. Tough nights on the force, I used to eat like that. Trouble was, I'd be sittin' in the squad car all night, pants diggin' in, stomach makin' unholy noises. There's only one thing that helps: loosen your belt and pop the top button.
Frasier
Thank you, Dad, for schooling me in the ancient ways.
Gertrude
Oh, here she comes.
Everyone
Surprise!
Daphne
My God, what a surprise. I've never been so surprised! Oh, thank you, Niles.
Daphne
All these people who mean so much to us. Mom and Frasier and [gesturing to Kenny] you... And our doorman.
Daphne
Doesn't he work with Frasier, that man at the big sandwich?
Niles
Well, once word got out, who was I to say "No"?
Daphne
I don't see many of my friends yet. Will Holly be coming? Margaret or Tina?
Niles
Well, I had to make the cut off somewhere. Excuse me darling.
Martin
Calm down, Niles.
Niles
I can't! I'm telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
Martin
Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called "marriage"!
Esteban
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes.
Esteban
I'm Esteban de Rojo. I'm the lover of your ex-wife Maris.
Frasier
You've made a mistake.
Esteban
No, you have.
Daphne
What did you do that for?
Esteban
This ex-husband had lunch with my Maris today. He gave her fool's advice and she was a fool to follow it!
Roz
Are you all right?
Daphne
Niles, did you have lunch with Maris today?
Niles
Yes, I was just about to tell...
Daphne
So you weren't planning my shower at all? This whole party was just a sham?
Niles
I'm so sorry.
Daphne
Not as sorry as I am.
Niles
Daphne, Daphne, wait. There's...
Daphne
I don't want to hear it. I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Doorman
Allow me.
Peggy
Dr. Crane, your appointment is here. Is your eye okay? It's kind of twitching.
Frasier
Well, just a little unfortunate accident. Please, send her in.
Shannon
Hi.
Frasier
Hello.
Shannon
I'm Shannon Palmer.
Frasier
Hello, Shannon. Please, won't you be seated. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Uh, first of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or only just a day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Shannon
Okay. Um, geez, this is a little hard to talk about...
Frasier
Well, just relax. You know, many of my patients find it easier to open up if they're lying down.
Shannon
Um, okay.
Shannon
Well, I guess I have problems with men. No matter what they say, all they really seem to want is sex.
Shannon
It's hard, because I want to be loved for who I am, of course, but if who I am is an attractive woman...
Shannon
What was that?
Frasier
It must be the air conditioning or something. [twitch/wink] Please continue.
Shannon
It's at the point now, I meet a perfectly nice man and I don't trust him.
Frasier
The machine will get it.
Stephanie
This is Stephanie Walsh. Remember, "Milady"? Sorry about my sister. You're not the first guy to do something weird in bed...
Frasier
I'm so sorry.
Frasier
Oh, good lord!
Shannon
What the hell?!
Frasier
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Shannon
What is wrong with you?!
Frasier
It's not my fault! It's just a trick I learned from my dad!
Peggy
You certainly know how to keep 'em movin'! Anyways, if you could sign my time card, I'll be going. Although, if you haven't hired anyone permanent, yet...
Frasier
Well, Peggy, I'm afraid I won't really be needing anyone permanent.
Frasier
I'm starting to think this return to private practice was a big mistake.
Peggy
Everyone's first day is a little rough. Well, except mine, I didn't even have to do any billing.
Peggy
Nice meeting you.
Frasier
Nice meeting you, too.
Brad
Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes.
Brad
Uh, I was your three o'clock that cancelled. I got cold feet. I was hoping maybe you could squeeze me in.
Frasier
[rising] Oh, well uh, I was just about to put this day out of its misery, but please come in.
Brad
Thanks. I'm Brad Kincaid. That's not my real name.
Frasier
I'll just get it off your insurance form. Why don't you have a seat, Brad.
Frasier
First of all, welcome. Whether this journey...well, forget it. Uh, what's troubling you?
Brad
Well, I just went through a messy divorce, and my kid's in another city. I came here to begin a new career, but it's not happening for me and I'm thinking maybe I made a big mistake.
Frasier
You know, Brad, sometimes things take a little longer to turn in our favor than we think they should.
Brad
How long?
Frasier
That depends. Tell me more, I'm listening.
Brad
Okay. Well, I've been here about six months now, and...
Niles
Daphne, I am so sorry.
Daphne
It's all right. Well, not completely, but I'm not as mad as I was. I just don't understand why you couldn't tell me you were having lunch with Maris.
Niles
I was going to, but you were just so upset when she called. I didn't know how you'd react.
Daphne
I suppose I have been a little bit difficult lately, haven't I?
Niles
There's just no good answer to that.
Daphne
I'm too tired to talk about this right now. All I want is a nice cup of tea and a warm bed.
Niles
Coming up. One last word: I tell you Maris will never come between us again.
Announcer
...by Dvorak under the baton of Sir Adrian Adler. And now the headlines. Police have just arrested Seattle socialite Maris Crane for the murder of her lover, Argentine polo star Esteban de Rojo. De Rojo was killed this evening at Mrs. Crane's...