Murder Most Maris (Part 2)

Skyline

A helicopter rises above the city.

Frasier

What's got Daphne all worked up now?

Niles

It wasn't Daphne. It was Maris.

Niles

She's gotten involved with some Argentine polo player. It turns out [ ] he's a gold digger, with a violent temper to boot.

Esteban

Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Yes?

Esteban

I'm Esteban de Rojo. [He punches Frasier.]

Niles

[to Daphne] I tell you, Maris will never come between us again.

Niles

Come in.

Frasier

Niles! [they embrace] What have you heard?

Niles

Not much. The TV news is still pretty sketchy. Dad, did you find anything out?

Martin

Well, I called some buddies at the station. They'll call back when they know something.

Daphne

It's just so freaky! I can't believe that man is dead. He was standing right where you are just a few hours ago.

Martin

How are you holding up, son?

Frasier

As well as can be expected. [He moves his hand to his eye.]

Martin

I meant your brother.

Niles

Oh, well, I'm--I'm stunned of course, the idea that Maris actually killed someone.

Frasier

Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.

Niles

Frasier!

Martin

That's terrible.

Frasier

Oh, come on, I'm joking. And haven't I earned the right to my gallows humor? [haunted voice] After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?

Frasier

Thank you.

Martin

[handing a glass to Niles] Here, drink this.

Niles

Oh, thanks.

Niles

Hello? [pause] Yes, of course. I'll be there shortly. [He hangs up.] It's the police. They want to talk to me.

Daphne

My God, why? They don't suspect you of anything, do they?

Niles

Oh, I don't think so, I don't think they could, they couldn't, could they? Dad?

Martin

Calm down. You had lunch with her today. They just want to know what you talked about.

Niles

Well, what did we talk about? What did we talk about? Uh, we-we discussed the upcoming women's arts festival and their tableau vivant. They're going to be re-enacting Schmitt's painting of "The Martyrdom of St. Ursula by Atila the Hun." Naturally, Maris will pose as the Hun.

Frasier

Ah.

Niles

A tad Germanic for my taste, but nonetheless I told her I'd help out by lending her my antique crossbow to help complete the tragic scene on the Rh�ne. Of course, talk of the Rh�ne inevitably led to that wonderful anecdote about the Nazarene painters of Biddlesbock Palace...

Frasier

[joins Niles in loud guffaws] Those beer-loving rascals! Tell it, Niles!

Martin

No! What did she say about the polo guy?

Niles

Well, I-I told you, she mentioned she felt unsafe around him, and she thought that he only wanted her for her money, and I urged her to end the relationship.

Martin

Well, that's pretty tame stuff. It'll take more than a little lunch to tie you into a murder.

Frasier

Oh, dear. Niles, they're in front of Maris's house now.

Announcer

There's been a startling new development in the society murder case. Sources say alleged murderer Maris Crane killed her polo-playing lover, Esteban de Rojo, with an antique crossbow...

Daphne

You gave her the murder weapon!

Daphne

Hello? [aside] It's a reporter.

Niles

I'm not home.

Daphne

[into phone] I'm sorry, he's not here, and I don't know when he's coming back. [pause] I'd rather not say. [another pause] I'd rather not say! [charmed] Oh, thank you, Manchester, actually.

Martin

Hang up!

Daphne

Goodbye. [does]

Niles

I don't believe this. It's an unlisted number. They must think I'm involved somehow. Th-they're actually trying to imply that...

Niles

No, no, no, I'm not going to panic. The only way to get through this is to remain calm.

Martin

Right, now, let's go on down to the station and get this all sorted out.

Daphne

I'm coming too.

Niles

No! You have to rest up for our doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.

Frasier

I'll stay with Daphne.

Niles

Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.

Frasier

You know, that's going to go on all night. Do you want to just stay at my place?

Daphne

Oh, thanks, but if I have them drive me out of me own home, then they've won.

Frasier

Allow me. [He answers.] Hello? Yes, I'll tell her. [hangs up] That was your mother. She heard the news, she's on her way over.

Daphne

I'll pack a bag, you get the car.

Martin

Well, we survived! The kid held up.

Daphne

[embracing him] What took you all night?

Niles

Oh, there was a lot of waiting.

Frasier

[helping Niles with his coat] Here, let me take that.

Niles

Thank you. Fortunately we found a nice cold metal bench between two drunk bikers and a pimp who called me "Peaches."

Martin

Yeah, and the interesting thing happened when we were leaving. We ran into Maris's lawyer on the way out.

Niles

And he told us the whole story. Apparently, Maris and Esteban had a fight, and Maris kicked him out. She was trying to calm herself by practicing her tableau vivant pose with the, with the crossbow. Which, she needs all the practice she can get. She has terribly weak triceps. Well, all of a sudden Esteban burst back in through the balcony window. Maris was-was startled to death and pulled the trigger in self-defense. He was dead before he hit the parquet.

Daphne

So where is she now?

Martin

They're holding her as a flight risk.

Niles

Can you imagine?

Martin

Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.

Niles

Maris always has those things in her purse.

Frasier

Well, you've got to admit, Niles, it doesn't look very good.

Niles

I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in a room next to hers for fifteen years.

Frasier

Oh, that must be the paper.

Daphne

So, she just happened to be posing with a loaded crossbow at the exact moment he burst in on her?

Niles

And don't you just know the prosecutor is going to try to twist that into something sinister?

Frasier

Oh, dear. It's on the front page.

Martin

They don't mention Niles, do they?

Frasier

Well, let me see. Ah, here we are, yes. [reading] Uh, "Maris Crane is believed to have gotten the crossbow from her ex- husband, Dr. Niles Crane, with whom she lunched on the day of the murder."

Martin

[looking over shoulders at the paper] Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?

Niles

Ah, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gstaad. [wistfully] So, yes.

Frasier

"According to sources, Crane divorced the accused some years ago to marry her plastic surgeon, whom he left in order... to marry..." Oh, dear.

Daphne

[snatching the paper] "To marry Daphne Moon... a housekeeper." Oh, that's just lovely.

Niles

Now, now, now, the press is notorious for getting things wrong.

Frasier

Yes, Niles is right. For example look, further on here it says, ha-ha, "Dr. Crane is the brother of local deejay, Frazer--with a 'Z'--Crane." You just have to laugh these things off.

Daphne

Well, I can't laugh. That horrible woman has managed to slither her way back into our lives.

Niles

No, she is not back in our life. This whole thing is going to blow over in no time.

Daphne

How can you be so calm?

Niles

Well, in situations such as this, there are only two ways to react: either you go to pieces or you stay calm, and I've chosen to do the latter.

Frasier

Bravo, Niles, that's very healthy.

Martin

Well, you'd better go home, son, and get some sleep, you've had a long night.

Niles

That is a good idea.

Frasier

I'll call you later.

Niles

Thank you. [with forced enthusiasm] Oh! We have your doctor's appointment this morning.

Daphne

Oh, don't worry, you don't have to come.

Niles

Oh. And miss hearing my baby's heartbeat? I don't think so. [naively] Plenty of time to sleep after the baby's born.

Roz

Niles, how are you holding up?

Niles

Apart from the lack of sleep, I'm all right. Although, now that it's in the news that I provided the crossbow I can't go anywhere without people whispering and pointing.

Niles

Oh, excuse me. [answers] Hello? Hello, Maris. Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry. That's awful. I'll-I'll-I'll do what I can. All right. [hangs up] Oh, that was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes.

Niles

She put them outside her cell to be polished, and... someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.

Frasier

Well, how often does she call you?

Niles

Uh, more often than you'd think she could, being in jail.

Roz

Hasn't she made your life hard enough?

Niles

Oh, I can't turn my back on her now, Roz, she's literally fighting for her life.

Niles

Oh, wonderful. More news vans. Maybe it's time I made a statement. [starts to rise]

Frasier

No, no, absolutely not, Niles. That is the worst possible thing you could do. It would only fan the flames. I'll tell you what. Why don't you slip out the back way, and I will talk to them for you.

Niles

Oh, that... there's no need, Frasier.

Frasier

No, Niles, I insist. I'm used to dealing with these media jackals. You have no idea how they can twist your words with editing tricks and such. All right, off you go.

Niles

Thank you, Frasier.

Reporter

Is Niles Crane in here?

Frasier

He is not. I will be speaking on his behalf. Gentlemen, you may roll tape. [He prepares for his delivery.] Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, spokesman for the Crane family.

Frasier

Recent events involving my brother, Niles Crane and his ex-wife are tragic, almost as tragic as the rampant media speculation concerning his involvement. If there is any justice in the world, Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed. Thank you, that is all I have to say.

Frasier

I said no such thing. I did? I did. Excuse me? Excuse me! Come back!

Frasier

[v.o.] Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed.

Martin

That's four times in one newscast. Must be some kind of record.

Frasier

They know I meant "exonerated."

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, Niles. Listen, I'm, I'm so sorry about today's little gaffe. You know what I meant.

Daphne

Oh, don't worry. Anyone can make a little slip. We know you were only trying to ruin our lives--[feigning self-correction] I mean, help.

Frasier

Niles, once again, I'm so sorry...

Niles

No, no, Frasier, please, it's all right. I should have talked to them myself. I hope it'll be all right if we stay with you for a while.

Martin

Why? What happened?

Niles

Well, since Frasier's little press conference, the media frenzy has only increased. It's become a nuisance for our neighbors. TV crews, news helicopters, plus the entire press corps from Esteban's hometown in Argentina.

Daphne

Last night some cheeky bloke from the Buenos Aires Herald climbed a tree and took a picture of old Mrs. Gottschalk in her sitz bath.

Niles

Apparently, the readership of the Herald is mostly lonely gauchos.

Frasier

You know, Niles, your good cheer in spite of everything is just remarkable.

Niles

Well, I've chosen not to let it get to me, and it hasn't. Of course, most of the credit goes to my Daphne. I'm truly blessed to have such a loving and supportive wife. She is at once my huggle-bunny and my rock.

Daphne

I think I might throw up.

Niles

Huggle-bunny was a bit much.

Daphne

No, no, my stomach is upset.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne, can I get you something?

Daphne

Oh, thank you, Frasier. I wouldn't mind ten years in prison— oh, I meant crackers.

Frasier

Well, uh, I-I guess I deserved that, but may I remind you I'm a bit of a victim myself... [haunted voice] as just yesterday I was punched in the face by a man... now dead.

Frasier

Thank you.

Niles

Hello? Hello, Mm--M [swallowing it] No, no I haven't forgotten. Yes, I'll try to get there tomorrow morning. All right, goodbye, Mm... [He hangs up.]

Daphne

That was Maris, wasn't it? Where will you be tomorrow morning?

Niles

[guiltily] The jail. I-I-I said I'd try to visit her...

Daphne

Have you lost your bloody mind? I have tried to be patient, but this is too much! [rising] You promised me that woman would be out of our lives! Now she's calling every minute, the papers reporting as though you two are still married, and I can't even sleep in my own bed!

Niles

I know, darling, b-but you can't blame me for everything that's happened.

Daphne

The hell I can't! If you hadn't have snuck off to have lunch with her, we never would have been dragged into this, and you wouldn't be sleeping alone on the couch tonight! But you did, and we were, so you are! [passing Frasier] I hate that kind of cracker!

Martin

Boy, that was kind of harsh.

Frasier

I'll say, these are imported from Belgium.

Niles

Poor thing, she's over-tired and a little hormonal. I'll-I'll go try to talk her into choosing to be calm.

Martin

Boy, he's really holding up well.

Frasier

A little too well. I'm starting to fear he's not dealing with his emotions at all.

Martin

Right. That's the whole secret to holding up.

Frasier

Dad, it's called "repression" and it is not healthy. The man is a walking pressure-cooker. It's his senior year all over again.

Martin

What are you talking about?

Frasier

Oh, that's right. He swore me to secrecy. [beat] Well...

Frasier

Niles got mono and he missed four weeks of class, right? So, he was studying around the clock trying to catch up. Just before finals, his girlfriend dumped him - for his roommate. Niles insisted he was just fine - right up until the very moment when they found him in the all-night grocery, sitting in a freezer bin talking to a bag of frozen corn, whispering "Why so cold, my love?"

Niles

All calm!

Martin

Want me to help you make up the couch?

Niles

No, no, I can manage.

Martin

Okay, well, I think I'll hit the rack too.

Frasier

Sherry, Niles? [holds out a glass]

Niles

Oh, how lovely, thank you.

Frasier

To the balcony?

Niles

Mm, after you.

Frasier

Niles, while I admire your initial fortitude, I can't help thinking you may have taken things to extremes. As you know, it can be dangerous to repress one's emotions.

Niles

True, but there is no way of weathering a situation like this without a certain degree of detachment.

Frasier

Are you sure you're not too detached?

Niles

Oh, nonsense, everything's under control.

Niles

Oh, look at that!

Frasier

What in the hell?!

Niles

[shouting] Just a news chopper. Pay it no mind.

Frasier

[yelling over the rotors] That doesn't bother you?!

Niles

You get used to it.

Frasier

Oh, for heaven's sake, get inside! [shouting at the helicopter] You should be ashamed of yourselves! You know perfectly well I meant EXONERATED!!

Niles

Hello, Roz.

Roz

Hi, Niles! A cappuccino, please. And one for him. You don't look so good.

Niles

Well, I didn't get much sleep last night--again.

Roz

Well, I'm surprised you're here after yesterday.

Niles

I refuse to be cowed into changing my routines. Let me get this. I have my coffee, I go to work. Of course, all my patients want to talk about is Maris. [mechanically dropping bills on the counter] Esteban's crazed brother left me a message saying I owe him some sort of blood debt. [chuckles] I tell you, some days it just doesn't pay to get off the sofa. [He adjusts his kinked neck.]

Roz

You've had it pretty rough.

Niles

What are my choices? I can go to pieces or I can bear up and live my normal life. Can I get a straw, please?

Waitress

Oh sorry, sir, that was the last one.

Niles

I see. [with meaning] The last straw. Gosh, is it warm in here? [He begins to loosen his tie.] It is. It is. It's warm in here. Oh, it's suffocating. [He removes his tie.] There, that's better.

Roz

I'll get you a straw, Niles. Do you need a straw?

Niles

Oh, no, no, you heard her. There are no more straws.

Niles

Oh, that feels so much better! [He begins to untuck his shirt.] Oh, everything was just so tight before!

Niles

Ahh, ye-es! Oh! Coffee shop without straws? [giggles maniacally] It makes no sense!

Roz

You can borrow my straw, see?

Niles

[loosening his belt and removing his pants] Oh, this is great! I was being smothered! Oh, I can breathe. I don't know how you stand it!

Roz

Hello, Frasier, it's me. How close are you to the cafe? All right, well hurry up and park because Niles is almost completely...

Roz

Niles is completely naked! [She hangs up and approaches him.] Oh... Niles!

Barista

I'm calling the cops.

Roz

The hell you are! This man's tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you'll ever smoke. Just back off, cowboy! And that goes for the rest of you, too.

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

[still reading the paper] Hey.

Frasier

What's going on?

Niles

Heat wave in Texas.

Frasier

Well, uh, Niles, maybe you should put some clothes on.

Niles

Ah... nah. No, too much, too much on me. I'm feeling very constricted. [Frasier gently reaches out] I'm fine now, don't touch me.

Frasier

Niles, look at yourself.

Niles

Hello! [chuckles] I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked in Nervosa!

Frasier

I think a lot of people are having that dream. We have to go now, Niles.

Frasier

But! - you're not getting in my car like that.

Roz

Is he okay?

Frasier

It's just a panic attack. It's happened before, but he's never been quite this close to butterfly-net territory.

Frasier

[to the Barista] May I have your apron, please?

Frasier

[to the waitress] And, and yours?

Frasier

All right, Niles. I'm going to wrap you up like a big, green Christmas present. You like Christmas, don't you?

Frasier

There we are.

Niles

Ooh, okay.

Roz

Okay, listen up! Me and my friends are going to back out of here, nice and easy. As far as any of you are concerned, this never happened. And if any of you decide to be a hero and call the police... trust me, I will find you!

Frasier

Wow, Roz, that was persuasive.

Roz

Yeah, well, there's nothing worse than waking up naked with a bunch of cops standing around. I've been there...

Martin

Well, there he is! Rise and shine, lazybones!

Niles

[still being calm] I'm surprised it's still light out. I thought it would be dark by now.

Frasier

Well, it was already. You've been asleep for twenty hours.

Niles

Oh, well, I guess I needed it.

Daphne

So how are you feeling?

Niles

Oh, much better. Frasier, I'm so sorry I embarrassed you.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, you didn't embarrass me one bit. Well, maybe just a little... On our way to the car the breeze from a passing school bus turned your apron into a cape, and...

Daphne

Hello? [She covers the mouthpiece.] It's Maris. You don't have to take this.

Niles

No, I really should. [taking the phone] Hello, Maris! Yes, yes, listen, there's something I want to say...Yes, but...

Niles

[losing his patience] Well, of course you're alone! You're alone because you killed your boyfriend!

Niles

Now, I am on your side, but there is a limit because I have a wonderful, pregnant wife, and as far as my attention is concerned, she comes first, always! I will help you through this, but now, you have to help me by saying goodbye. No, no, no, what do you have to say? Yes, goodbye. [hangs up]

Frasier

Now there's the Niles that's been missing in action.

Daphne

Thanks for what you said about me, though I haven't been completely wonderful.

Niles

[zero tolerance] No, you've been irritable and you made me sleep on a couch.

Frasier

That's the stuff, Niles, doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?

Niles

Oh, stuff it, Mr. Malaprop! Family spokesman, the Manson family should have a spokesman like you!

Martin

[delighted] He's really getting the hang of this, isn't he?

Niles

And you! I'd have been home from that jail an hour earlier if you hadn't convinced your buddies to let you squeeze off a few rounds into a dumpster!

Daphne

You kept him waiting while I was at home worried sick?!

Martin

I was doing him a favor! I was keeping him away from you and your hormones.

Daphne

Oh, some favor! Making me stay with Frasier! He made me do housework!

Daphne

I'd forgotten that until this moment!

Niles

You made her do housework!

Frasier

I did no such thing!

Martin

A pregnant woman?! That's pretty low!

Frasier

[self-righteous] Oh, fine! Fine! Turn your anger on me. It's almost as if you'd forgotten that [haunted voice] not three days ago I was punched in the face by a man now dead.

Frasier

Thank you! [then] Now who wants pancakes?