Guns N' Neuroses
Aired 18th November 2003 · Written by Jon Sherman · Directed by Scott Ellis
Skyline
Doppler waves radiate from the tip of the Space Needle.
Daphne
Hello, Marty. What's that?
Martin
Oh, it's Frasier and Niles's old playpen. I got it out of storage for you.
Daphne
Looks a bit rickety
Martin
No, it just needs a little weight to balance it. Put a baby in there and it'll be fine
Daphne
You're not putting my baby in that deathtrap.
Daphne
And by the way, did you move your gun out to storage like you promised?
Martin
I'm getting to it.
Frasier
What? That gun is still around?
Martin
Oh, jeez.
Frasier
Dad, two years ago I demanded you get rid of it and you said you did. Don't tell me it's still in your closet.
Martin
No, it's in a shoebox under my bed.
Frasier
Well, I don't want it here in my apartment.
Martin
All right, all right, it'll go into storage today, but I don't know what we'll do if a burglar breaks in.
Daphne
You could lure him into that playpen. [to Frasier] You slept awfully late.
Frasier
Mm, yeah, oh well, I was having the most distressing dream. I was climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
Daphne
An ice volcano — wonder what that could mean.
Frasier
Oh, what's this? [pushes playback button]
Lilith
[on machine] Hello, it's Lilith.
Lilith
We're supposed to be having breakfast, but you're not here. And as I don't know if you're tardy, or have been in a terrible accident, I'm unable to commit to an appropriate emotional response. Please call me. Thank you. [beep]
Frasier
Oh damn, I completely forgot. Lilith is in town for a one-day conference. [picks up the phone] Now I'll have to cancel lunch to see her.
Martin
Can't you catch her on the next trip?
Frasier
No, no, she'll only be hurt, and of course she'll, she'll dredge it up the next time she needs an emotional trump card. Ooh! Maybe I can trick her into canceling lunch on me!
Daphne
Instead of playing games, why don't you just talk to her.
Frasier
We tried talking when we were married. We were better at games. [into phone] Hello, Lilith, it's Frasier. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I was on my way to breakfast, and, uh... I-I swerved to avoid hitting a Pomeranian, and I-I ran up on the curb and blew a tire. [Martin and Daphne trade a look] All right, well, maybe you could come by here for lunch.
Frasier
[covers the phone and whispers] She won't, she won't. [into phone] Okay, then. All right, see you here around 1:00, okay.
Frasier
Damn - she came to play.
Niles
Hey.
Daphne
Hello. [kisses him]
Martin
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Dad. Hey, do you want to join us for lunch? We're trying a new Indonesian place. It's famous for its Besengek Daging.
Martin
Well, wish I could, but I promised Frasier I'd stay here until he got back from the dentist.
Niles
Oh well, we'll keep you company. [sits down] Why'd he need you to hang around?
Daphne
[who's gotten her coat] He's making lunch for Lilith.
Niles
[gets up] And off we go!
Daphne
Too late.
Niles
Shouldn't you get the door?
Martin
You're closer.
Niles
I don't live here.
Martin
Doesn't matter, you're family.
Niles
So is Daphne...
Daphne
Oh, no you don't!
Lilith
[from behind the door] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.
Martin
Hey, Lilith! Sorry for the hold-up, but Frasier should be back from the dentist any minute.
Lilith
Oh, all right. That'll give us a chance to visit.
Lilith
Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Daphne
Thank you.
Lilith
Do you know the sex?
Niles
Do we? That's how we got pregnant!
Lilith
Thank you.
Niles
No, we're-we're... we're gonna let it be a surprise.
Lilith
Oh, okay.
Daphne
Please sit down.
Lilith
Thank you.
Lilith
Well, if I was to guess the gender [with a little smirk] — and I'm usually right about half the time... I'm being humorous, of course.
Martin
Oh!
Lilith
I would say it's a boy.
Daphne
Oh, what makes you say that?
Lilith
Well, it's highly unscientific, but the proverbial old wives would cite the spreading of your nose, the unevenness of your breasts, and the coarse black hair on your legs.
Daphne
Interesting... [to Martin] Is that the shoebox from under your bed, then?
Lilith
Excuse me. [into phone] Hello? Yes, Frasier. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Martin
[quickly] Hear what? He's still coming, isn't he?
Lilith
[into phone] Yes, all right, all right. I'll meet you then, bye. [hangs up] Frasier can't make it.
Martin
Oh... well, if you still want lunch, I got leftover meatloaf that's today or never.
Lilith
Thank you, but I'll get something at the conference. [gets her coat] There's a bulimia talk today, and I'll wager that's one lecture hall with a snack machine outside. [goes to the door] Lovely to see you.
Daphne
Bye-bye.
Daphne
Did you hear what she said about me?
Niles
Yes.
Daphne
That I've got a flat nose, uneven boobs, and bristly legs? I mean, are they really that bad? [stands and lifts her skirt to get a closer look]
Martin
Not bad. Maybe a little cock-eyed, but with a heavy sweater you could...
Daphne
I was talking about my legs! [then] Oh, forget about lunch. I'm just going to make a sandwich.
Niles
Oh, no, hey... what about me?
Daphne
Oh, have a banana.
Daphne
[coming out] My God, what was that?!
Niles
I think the banana went off.
Martin
You knocked my gun on the floor. Is everyone all right?
Niles
Daphne, are you all right?
Daphne
Yeah, I'm fine.
Niles
Dad, you okay?
Martin
[picking it up] Yeah, I'm fine. I don't understand this. I thought the safety was on.
Niles
[notices] Oh my God! It blew a hole through Frasier's chair!
Martin
[notices] And it shot the head off the statue!
Niles
[running over] Look what it did to the fireplace!
Martin
Oh no, Frasier's going to kill me!
Daphne
This is why I've been telling you to put the bloody thing in storage!
Martin
Niles was the one who knocked it off the table!
Niles
Well, accidentally, because I had a banana thrown at me!
Daphne
To you, not at you! And you should know how to catch a banana!
Niles
I am not having this argument again!
Martin
If Frasier sees this, I'll never hear the end of it. You guys have got to help me fix things up before he gets home.
Daphne
Forget it, old man. You're on your own.
Martin
Oh yeah, well, if he kicks me out over this, I'm moving in with you.
Daphne
[immediately] All right, what's the plan?
Martin
You start calling upholsterers. Niles, get me some spackle. [Niles runs to the hallway] I'll see if I can Krazy Glue the head back on that thing.
Niles
Dad, Dad... what's spackle?
Lilith
Anyway, long story short, six months in, he tells me I'm "too tightly wound." Me.
Nancy
Wow, I don't know what to tell you, Lil.
Lilith
Lilith. My name is Lilith.
Lilith
Oh, my beeper. [reads it] Oh darn, they need me back at the conference. [gets up]
Nancy
Okay, but listen, we all have bad dating experiences, so don't give up. Get out there, have fun, meet people.
Lilith
You're right. Thank you, Nancy. You're a real pal. And the best survivor guilt and phantom limb expert in the game.
Lilith
Excuse me.
Roz
Excuse me.
Lilith
[stops] Roz... Roz?
Roz
Yes...? Oh hi, Lilith. What are you doing in town?
Lilith
Well, I'm here for a conference, and was supposed to meet Frasier here for coffee, but I'm afraid I have to leave. Will you tell him I'll call him later?
Roz
Sure, no problem.
Lilith
Thank you.
Roz
Bye-bye.
Roz
Can I have change for the meter?
Barista
Only if you buy something.
Roz
Oh, come on, I can't, I don't have time, the Meter Maid's coming.
Barista
Sorry, can't do it.
Roz
Well, someone doesn't want his tip very much.
Barista
You haven't ordered anything.
Roz
I meant the tip I gave you yesterday.
Frasier
Oh hi, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Frasier. [stops and turns back] Oh, um, Lilith had to leave. [exits]
Frasier
Oh, damn! Again?
Barista
Can I help you?
Nancy/Frasier
Yes.../Yes, I'd like to have...
Frasier
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Please, go ahead.
Nancy
No, that's all right, you go.
Frasier
No, I insist. After you.
Nancy
We'll go together. What are you having?
Frasier
All right, uh, a macchiato for here.
Nancy
One macchiato for here, and a mocha Valencia to go, please. [to Frasier] Macchiato man. Don't meet many of those.
Frasier
No, no, we're a, a rare breed. Spartan... rugged...
Barista
[setting it on the counter] You like a dusting of nutmeg on that, right?
Frasier
Just a sprinkle. [to Nancy] So, is this your first time here?
Nancy
Yeah, I'm in town on business. First time in Seattle.
Frasier
Oh well, then that entitles you to a complimentary beverage. These are on me.
Nancy
Thank you. [gets an idea] Tell me, is there a Mrs. Macchiato?
Frasier
[chuckles] No.
Nancy
This may sound a little crazy, but would you be interested in having a drink later with a friend of mine? I think you might really hit it off.
Frasier
Well, it sounds intriguing.
Nancy
[writes her number on a card] I'm late for a meeting, but if you're game, let's just say 7:00 at the Marina Tavern. And if you change your mind, here's my number.
Frasier
[takes it] All right, then.
Frasier
Roz, have you ever been set up on a date with someone whose name you didn't know?
Roz
Oh please, I've woken up with dates whose names I didn't know. [to the Barista] Cappuccino, please. What's going on?
Frasier
Well, I just met this woman who's in town on business. She asked me to join a friend of hers for a drink at the Marina Tavern.
Roz
Oh... well you know, there is no friend. The woman you met is the woman you're meeting.
Frasier
Oh, that's what I thought. I wonder why she wouldn't give me her name?
Roz
Well, when you're in town on business and you hook up with a stranger, no names is standard procedure.
Frasier
I'm not sure that's something you want to admit knowing, Roz.
Roz
I only know it from reading Erica Jong novels, okay?
Frasier
I'm not sure that's something you want to admit either.
Daphne
I got the spackle.
Niles
Good, good, we'll fill in the crack, then my faux finisher can match the stone. Fabrizio is on his way to re-upholster. Dad, how are you doing?
Martin
Great. This glue should hold it just fine. But your guys better get over here soon. Frasier's meeting Lilith after work at the café, which only gives us...
Frasier
[o.s., from the hallway] Oh, hello, Mrs. Richman.
Daphne
Shh! Frasier!
Frasier
Hello, all. What's going on?
Martin
Oh, just admiring the sunset.
Martin
I think it looks best over here, but Niles thinks it looks best over there.
Frasier
Oh, really? [notices Niles's hand on the statue] Oh, Niles, have you changed your mind about my new statue? Yesterday you said it was sterile and unmoving.
Niles
Oh, it's moving now.
Frasier
Well, I'd love to stay and gloat, but I have a very intriguing date for which I must get ready.
Martin
Well, good luck with that.
Frasier
Thank you, Dad. [notices another message] Oh, what's this? [presses button]
Lilith
[on machine] Frasier, I'm just leaving the café. Sorry I missed you. Anyway, if you're available for a drink, I'm staying at the Harbor View. Call me. [beep]
Frasier
Oh, dear... damn! I've got an exciting mystery date, and who should rear her head at the last minute but Lilith!
Martin
Well, you know, if you leave right away, you'd probably have time for a quick drink with Lilith and then still make it for your date.
Frasier
Good thinking, Dad! I can dispense with the pleasantries and be on my way!
Niles
Help me, help me! The head is stuck to my hand!
Frasier
[o.s., coming back] You know, on second thought...
Frasier
...maybe I should invite Lilith here so that I can have more time to get ready.
Martin/Daphne/Niles
No!
Daphne
She's already been here once. You should go to her.
Frasier
You're quite right — but, then, should I change or am I fine the way I am?
Niles/Martin
Fine/Oh, hubba-hubba!
Frasier
[gets his coat] Well then, I'll just see you all later.
Niles
Dad, you're right, it's a much, much different sunset from here.
Lilith
[her usual flat monotone] Yes, of course I'm excited, Nancy. Can't you hear it in the timbre of my voice? Yes well, I'm afraid I might be a little bit late, I'm still waiting for my ex-husband.
Lilith
Oh, there he is. Look, I'll get through this as quickly as I possibly can. Yes, all right, bye.
Frasier
Hi, Lilith. [kisses her cheek] I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bear. It's good to see you.
Lilith
Likewise.
Frasier
Anyway, I'm sorry about all the missed connections today, but at least we have a chance to catch up, however briefly.
Lilith
Yes well, sometimes with old friends, five minutes is enough.
Frasier
Ha! One minute!
Lilith
So, care for a drink?
Frasier
Not if I'm keeping you from something.
Lilith
Well, actually, I do have a date this evening.
Frasier
Oh, really?
Lilith
Yes. A colleague of mine fixed me up. I'm sorry for dragging you over here when I have so little time to give you.
Frasier
Not at all. Actually, I'm running late for a date myself.
Lilith
I see. Well, why don't you run along? I wouldn't want you to keep Niles waiting.
Frasier
[laughs] No. It is with a woman — a very vibrant, sexy woman.
Lilith
Ah. Good for you.
Frasier
Well, listen, if you're running late, and you need to cancel our drink...
Lilith
No, no, no, I've canceled on you once already today...
Frasier
Well, I canceled on you twice, that would make us even.
Lilith
[pouring] That's why we're having the drink.
Frasier
Ah.
Lilith
Unless you're worried that your sexy date will leave if you're five minutes late.
Frasier
Oh, no, not at all. My absence will only make her heart grow fonder. You mind if I use the bathroom?
Lilith
Certainly.
Frasier
Please don't leave, please don't leave, please don't leave... [into phone] Hello? Miss Mocha Valencia? Yes, Macchiato Man here. Uh, listen, I'm glad I caught you.
Nancy
Hi, where are you?
Frasier
Uh well, something's come up and I'm afraid I have to—
Nancy
Oh wait, I have another call.
Frasier
Fine.
Nancy
Hello?
Lilith
Nancy, it's Lilith again. Listen, this thing with my ex-husband is taking a lot longer than I expected. But I will be there, I promise you.
Nancy
Uh-oh.
Lilith
What do you mean "uh-oh"?
Nancy
Well, I'm on the other line with your date right now, and... I think he wants to cancel.
Lilith
Before he's even met me? Well, uh... tell him I canceled on him first!
Nancy
Okay. I'm really sorry about this, Lilith. [switches lines again]
Nancy
Hi. So, I'm afraid tonight's off.
Frasier
Off?
Nancy
Yeah, that was my friend. She had second thoughts.
Frasier
Oh, really? Well, please tell your "friend" that I wasn't exactly bowled over by her first thoughts!
Frasier
I don't even know what that means.
Lilith
So what would you say to that drink?
Frasier
I'd say, "don't get too comfortable in that glass."
Frasier
Well, this is nice.
Lilith
Yes, very.
Frasier
Freddy tells me he dissected a frog.
Lilith
Yes, and a fetal pig. Of course, I made him do his homework first.
Frasier
Lilith, you seem preoccupied. Is this about your blind date tonight?
Lilith
You could say that.
Frasier
Well, for what it's worth, whoever this guy is... he'll feel awfully lucky when you walk through the door.
Lilith
Thank you, Frasier - but I really shouldn't be keeping you from your date.
Frasier
Oh, right. Well, I guess I should be going, yes.
Frasier
Although, you know, you are here for just one night. Perhaps I could call and push things back a bit?
Lilith
Maybe I could delay mine as well.
Frasier
Great.
Lilith
All right.
Lilith
What excuse are you going to use?
Frasier
Oh, I'll just trot out my stand-by, it works every time. Simply say that I swerved to avoid hitting a Chihuahua, ran up on a curb and blew a tire.
Lilith
[amused] This morning you said it was a Pomeranian.
Frasier
[embarrassed] Well, this morning it was.
Frasier
So I'm in the middle of this date from hell, when Kenny walks in with his cousin, whom I'd passed on sight unseen. Turns out she's not only gorgeous, but her name is actually Miss Wright.
Lilith
Okay, you win.
Frasier
Mm-hmm.
Frasier
Say, are there any more kettle chips in the mini-bar?
Lilith
No. We can have either Gummi Bears or cashews, but I'm afraid we can't afford both.
Frasier
Ah.
Sean
[o.s.] Erin, would you stop? I don't even know what I did!
Erin
[o.s.] Why do you always say that like you think it will help?
Sean
Because when I guess, you get angrier!
Frasier
Boy, that takes you back, doesn't it?
Sean
What, did I forget to notice your hair?
Erin
That's NOT why I'm mad.
Frasier
You know, I'm just going to ask them to be quiet.
Sean
I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going out.
Erin
Sean, what are you doing?
Sean
[sees Frasier] Oh, uh... sorry.
Erin
[appears behind him, scathingly] That's not the hall.
Frasier
Yes, uh... it's all right. You see, we overheard your quarrel, and in the interest of keeping the peace and quiet, maybe we could offer some assistance.
Sean
No, it's okay, we can handle it ourselves. [turns away]
Frasier
[in his element] Oh, can you, Sean? You don't even know what you did.
Frasier
Please, won't you come in? [they do, hesitantly] I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, this is Dr. Lilith Sternin. We are psychiatrists.
Lilith
There's no need to be afraid. We are here to help.
Erin
So what, you're like caped crusaders for mental health?
Lilith
No, not caped.
Frasier
Please, come and sit down.
Frasier
All right then. What seems to be the problem?
Erin
Uh... when we were at dinner, he was checking out another woman.
Lilith
And you feel threatened by this?
Erin
Shouldn't I?
Frasier
Well, maybe. Shot in the dark here — your parents are divorced, Dad left Mom?
Erin
[surprised] Yeah. How'd you know?
Lilith
It's classic transference. Because your father and mother split up, you overreact whenever you perceive a threat to your current relationship.
Frasier
[to Sean] And you, you care about this woman?
Sean
Absolutely.
Frasier
Then keep your eyes in your head! It bugs her, and it's bad form.
Lilith
[to Erin] And if he should fail at this — which he will, he's a man — it does not mean he's going to leave you.
Sean
Or that I don't love you. [Erin turns to him] Because I do.
Erin
[melting] I know. I love you, too.
Sean
Wow! You guys are good.
Erin
Yeah, that was amazing. So, do you two just have the best marriage ever?
Frasier
Actually...
Lilith
Yes... we do.
Sean
Well, uh, thank you! It was really nice meeting you.
Frasier
[shaking his hand] Likewise, likewise. You seem like a really nice young couple, and I'm sure you'll understand if I lock the door. Good night.
Lilith
Well done, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Back at you, Dr. Sternin. I'd suggest that we try a high-five, but I recall we attempted that once after a bridge victory and you scratched my cornea.
Lilith
Well, I guess we shouldn't keep our dates waiting any longer.
Frasier
Right.
Frasier
Good luck on your-your romantic adventure this evening. Don't you worry — you're going to knock his socks off...
Lilith
[tired out] Frasier, I don't have a date anymore. He canceled.
Frasier
You're kidding.
Lilith
No. I was too proud to admit it to you. How pathetic is that?
Frasier
Well, there's no need to beat yourself up about it.
Lilith
Come on, a fake phone call to "buy time"?
Frasier
It's understandable. Just a face-saving gesture in the light of...
Lilith
Oh my God, your date canceled on you too.
Frasier
[caught] All right, yes. It's a banner day for both of us. [drops his coat] I tell you, all this lying has certainly worked up my appetite. You want to get some room service?
Lilith
That might be nice.
Frasier
Okay.
Frasier
Certainly beats sitting alone, wondering what we missed out on this evening, hmm?
Sean
[o.s.] Yes, yes, yes...!
Erin
[o.s.] You big-bad-boy...!
Lilith
Frasier?
Frasier
[wakes] Hmm? Hmm... oh! Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Oh, I must have dozed off during the movie.
Lilith
Me too. What time is it?
Frasier
[checks his watch] Uh, it's almost six.
Lilith
Six? I have a 7:30 flight.
Frasier
Right, right. Well, I'll just get out of your hair. Listen, Lilith, dinner was lovely last night. I had a great time.
Lilith
Yes well, much better than those blind dates could have possibly been.
Frasier
Absolutely. Well listen, have a safe trip and all that, and give Freddy a hug for me.
Lilith
I will.
Frasier
All right.
Frasier
You know, it's funny...
Lilith
What?
Frasier
Well, I was just thinking that if we had never met, we're exactly the kind of people that somebody might set up on a blind date.
Lilith
You always were one for droll hypotheticals.
Frasier
[chuckles] Ah, yes. It's amusing to consider though, you know? What would we think of each other if were just meeting now for the first time?
Lilith
But if we hadn't met, we'd be different people now.
Frasier
Ah, true. But then that raises many other questions. I mean, what sort of man would the non-Lilith Frasier be? What sort of woman...?
Lilith
[coming over] Did I mention I have a plane to catch?
Frasier
Of course.
Lilith
But you're right. It was a lovely evening.
Frasier
We do have our baggage, don't we? But then sometimes that's what makes the trip so interesting.
Lilith
With one hand the past moves us forward, and with the other it holds us back.
Frasier
Good-bye, Lilith.
Lilith
Good-bye, Frasier. Martin and Niles are playing catch with bananas. Martin makes a gentle underhanded throw, which Niles catches. He moves back a bit and throws another banana, and Niles nabs it with one hand. He cheers wildly at his success. Martin now decides to try it with a baseball. He tosses it gently. Niles bobbles it, and has to dive over Frasier's bookcase, knocking things down as he does. He holds on to the ball, however, and proudly raises it for Martin to see. Martin applauds his son's effort.