Slow Tango In South Seattle

Frasier

Hello Steven, I'm listening.

Steven

[v.o:] Well, you see Dr. Crane, my wife Tracy and I are having a baby and I know we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. But there seems to be a lot of different advice about whether it's okay to let your kid climb into bed with you in the morning.

Frasier

Ah! Stop right there, Steven. It's okay. All relationships require that kind of close and undivided attention. Isn't that so, Roz?

Roz

[nonchalantly responds only to name:] Uh-huh.

Steven

But what if you and your wife enjoy, you know, making love in the morning?

Frasier

Trust me, after the baby comes that won't be an issue anymore. [presses button:] This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL. We'll be back after these messages.

Frasier

Roz! How can you be reading now?

Roz

Oh, I don't know, it's something I picked up in elementary school and it stuck.

Frasier

Just what is it that's so captivating?

Roz

[holds up book] "Slow Tango in South Seattle."

Frasier

Oh God, not you too! Why is that every woman I see is carrying that book around?

Roz

Because it's impossible to put down. Just read the first paragraph. I guarantee you'll be hooked.

Frasier

[reads:] "There are tangos that come flowing from the wine seas, from the rust of a hundred sunken ships. This is one of those dances."

Roz

Well?

Frasier

There are books that make your stomach lurch and thrust your lunch ever upwards. This is one of those books!

Roz

You men are all alike, you have no soul.

Frasier

Oh...

Roz

Except for this one. [points to author's picture on back of book:] The future Mr. Roz Doyle: Thomas Jay Fallow.

Frasier

Oh my God, it's him!

Roz

What? Do you know him?

Frasier

Yes. Yes, he used to drop into a neighborhood bar I frequented back in Boston. He's a bit pretentious, though; he stuck out like a sore thumb.

Roz

You used to drink with Thomas Jay Fallow?

Frasier

Well, actually I spent a lot of my time helping him get through his writer's block. In future I'll remember to use my powers for good and not for evil.

Roz

Well, I don't care what you think about him, he's coming here to the station tomorrow to be on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat" and you're going to introduce us.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't see him. I'll have to tell him how much I liked his book. You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.

Roz

Oh no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.

Frasier

Well, then perhaps you're right.

Roz

See how easy it is?

Daphne

Eight... nine... Stop it, Eddie!

Martin

Oh, he just wants to play, huh boy?

Daphne

Yeah, well, therapy is not a game! Stop it! Stop it, I said. [doorbell] If he keeps this up then there's no point in us going on with these exercises.

Martin

Atta boy!

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Hello, Daphne.

Martin

Hey, Niles.

Niles

Ah! Doing your exercises I see?

Daphne

Yes, and if someone doesn't let us get on with them, he's gonna get a little spank on his fanny.

Niles

[thinking she's talking about him:] Well... [confused] Don't let me.... unless you want to...

Martin

What's up?

Niles

Well, when I brought you a beer in your room the other day I couldn't help but notice you had pictures of Frasier and Frederick and an autographed one from someone named Ken Griffey Jr., but none of Maris and me. So I brought you this.

Martin

Gee, thanks. What's Maris doing wearing jodhpurs? She hasn't taken up horseback riding, has she?

Niles

No, no. She wanted to, but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie!

Frasier

I can't believe this! I simply can't believe this!

Martin

What are you bappin' about?

Frasier

This, this book! It's written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life, something I shared with him in confidence one night; he's turned it into this trash!

Daphne

[notices:] "Slow Tango"? Well, I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Yes, he is. But did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements.

Martin

What's it about anyway?

Frasier

That is not important.

Daphne

It's about his first time.

Frasier

Thank you, Daphne.

Niles

[innocent:] Your first time doing what?

Frasier

[sarcastic:] Changing a flat tire!

Niles

[realises:] Oh!

Martin

So this whole book is about the night you conceived Frederick.

Frasier

Very funny, dad. I'll have you know that wasn't my first time.

Martin

Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time!

Niles

Just who was this charitable lass?

Frasier

That is not important!

Daphne

His piano teacher.

Martin

His piano teacher?

Frasier

Thank you again, Daphne!

Daphne

It's not like it's a secret, it's all right there in black and white. About your awkward teenage lunging and how you used to call your chest hair your "Rug of Love."

Frasier

Well, not all of it's true. He did take some literary license.

Daphne

Oh, then you're not really able to "bring a woman to hidden realms of ecstasy with your panther-like prowess?"

Frasier

[boasting:] Well, that part he got right!

Martin

Boy, this really fries me. You know, that woman taking advantage of our kid. Not to mention I was putting out ten bucks a week for piano lessons so you could get your hedge trimmed!

Niles

Wait a minute! We're not talking about Miss Warner?

Martin

Don't tell me this was going on in your lessons too?

Niles

No, you'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs I was actually studying music.

Frasier

[angry:] Now look! This was not some tired older woman lusting after young flesh. Clarice and I cared for each other. She showed me a world I'd never known, and... wouldn't know again for six and a half years.

Daphne

It's true. As Mr. Fallow put it, "she saw his sensitive, poetic side and you couldn't help noticing the way her ripe, heaving bosom would brush your cheek when she reached for the metronome." [Niles sighs deeply at Daphne]

Frasier

I can't believe a man who drank so heavily remembered so much!

Niles

And yet he so conveniently forgot who told him the story.

Frasier

Yes, well he's going to get a little reminder today!

Thomas

"I budded when you kissed me, I withered when you left me, I bloomed a few months while you loved me."

Roz

Will you calm down?

Frasier

Not until I have exacted my pound of flesh.

Roz

Could you at least wait until I get my book signed?

Frasier

Here, let me sign it for you.

Roz

Stop it!

Frasier

Roz, Roz, you haven't told anyone about this, have you? They'll have a field day with me.

Roz

Frasier, give me credit for a little discretion, would you?

Bulldog

Hey, Piano Boy! Way to pound those ivories!

Frasier

Bulldog, Bulldog. Listen, it is imperative that this is not commonly known.

Bulldog

Hey doc, it's no big deal.

Bulldog

Anything for you? I've still got some feeling on the other side of my head. [Frasier shakes his head] I had a similar experience when I was sixteen, with an older woman who introduced me to the mysteries of love. Of course, she was a hooker. [Roz looks shocked] Hey, it was a birthday present from my dad, okay? You wanna know the ironic thing, doc? All I wanted was a bike!

Roz

Oh come on Frasier, how did you expect me not to tell anybody? You can't keep something like that all bottled up! I only told one person.

Gil

Hello Frasier, Roz.

Frasier

Hi, Gil.

Gil

I was just finishing my restaurant review for my show this afternoon when I came across a perfect sandwich named after you, at Rosenthal's Deli. "Frasier Crane's Double Decker." It consisted of aged pheasant, spring chicken and of course, plenty of tongue.

Bulldog

[laughs, then reads from book:] "I wept as our bodies made the music of love."

Gil

[reading:] "I'm your rhapsody, play me!"

Bulldog

"Crescendo, my young maestro, crescendo!"

Gil

My vessel yearns to dock in the magnificence of your harbor.

Bulldog

[laughs, then:] Hey, that's not in the book!

Amber

There's one thing I must ask you. What was your inspiration for this poignant love story?

Frasier

Quiet, quiet, it's his last chance.

Thomas

Well, Amber, it was given to me... by God.

Frasier

[angry:] By God?! Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God and he knows it!

Amber

Well, we'll be right back with the divinely-inspired Thomas Jay Fallow right after this station break. [presses button then gets up:] Will you excuse me, I want to call my husband and see if he can take a long lunch.

Frasier

Thomas Jay Fallow!

Thomas

Frasier! Frasier Crane, I can't believe it!

Frasier

Well, I see my name hasn't entirely escaped your sieve-like memory.

Thomas

My what?

Frasier

Well, it didn't make it into your list of acknowledgements, you, you... egomaniacal thief!

Thomas

You read my book.

Frasier

I didn't have to read it! I lived it! Not that anybody would know that from reading your three pages of acknowledgements, in which you mention everyone from your kindergarten teacher to the man who designed the typeface. But no mention of me? No, I'm only the man who gave you the story which you have ruthlessly merchandised into this million-dollar treacle machine! [silence] I'm finished now.

Thomas

I'm so sorry. I don't know how I could have been so thoughtless.

Thomas

I owe you everything!

Roz

Oh my God, Frasier what have you done now?

Amber

What happened?

Roz

Frasier made him cry!

Niles

Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond.

Martin

I wouldn't concern myself.

Niles

Do you think it's just innocent flirting?

Martin

No, I just wouldn't concern myself.

Niles

Frasier, congratulations. Maris was listening to "Book Chat" during her seaweed wrap and heard Thomas Jay Fallow acknowledge his enormous debt to you.

Frasier

Yes, I had a little chat with him this afternoon.

Niles

Did he seem properly contrite?

Frasier

I made him cry.

Martin

That's my boy! I guess you're feeling pretty good, eh?

Frasier

Well, actually dad the entire incident has left me strangely unsatisfied. I don't know, I still feel sort of empty. It's been churning around in my mind all day.

Martin

You kill me, you know. You've got exactly what you wanted and you're still not happy. Frasier, life is not hard, you make it hard. You don't just let things happen and enjoy it. You've got to analyze everything that you can. You know, you can learn a big lesson from this dog here.

Martin

You know what makes him happy? A sock! Come on, Eddie.

Niles

Ignore him. Obviously what's troubling you goes deeper than your usual malaise.

Daphne

Shame on you!

Frasier

What for?

Daphne

What for? You just ran out on her. [reads:] "Leaving her bed as empty as a swallows nest after fall's first frost." And you ask me what for?

Frasier

I'd just been accepted to Harvard. What else was I gonna do?

Daphne

Oh, so you just leave in the middle of the night without so much as a kiss on the forehead. [Daphne exits]

Niles

You never said goodbye to Miss Warner?

Frasier

Well, she was sleeping so peacefully. She had an early lesson! I left a rose on her pillow.

Niles

A-ha!

Frasier

"A-ha," what?

Niles

"A-ha" this, I have a theory.

Frasier

Well, why else would you say "a-ha"?

Niles

No, no, no. Just listen. You thought you were angry at Thomas Fallow for failing to thank you for the contribution you made to his life. But perhaps the person you're really angry at is yourself. You never thanked Miss Warner for the contribution she made to your life.

Frasier

I was only seventeen years old, I'm sure she understood.

Niles

Perhaps she didn't. She was a vulnerable, lonely, middle-aged woman. It is possible that her feelings for you ran deeper than you realized? Feelings which you crushed when you disappeared without so much as a thank you or a goodbye.

Frasier

Yes well, thank you and goodbye!

Niles

Fine, I'll just leave you with this thought: your encounter with Thomas Jay Fallow was unsatisfactory because it failed to provide you with the closure you were seeking. For that you will have to make amends with Miss Warner - A-ha!

Frasier

[shouts] Very funny, dad!

Frasier

[v.o:] "He had been a teenage Balboa, an explorer of the rising pinnacles and gently curving slopes of my body. Then in one explosive burst of discovery he had staked claim to the Pacific ocean that was my soul. But now he was leaving, going, vanishing like a solitary boat on a lonely horizon. Departing like a train, rolling ceaselessly through the night. Exiting swiftly like..."

Frasier

[v.o:] "And so he was gone."

Frasier

[v.o:] "And now in the cool of the evening I play my piano. And his last words resonate through the notes

Frasier

Clarice? Time, the sole thief of youth.

Warner

Hello. May I help you?

Frasier

Miss Warner?

Warner

Yes?

Frasier

I'm Frasier Crane.

Warner

I'm sorry, my memory's not what it used to be. But please come in. Would you like to sit down?

Frasier

Yes, I would.

Warner

So, we know each other?

Frasier

Well... we were friends. More than friends, actually. You really don't remember?

Warner

I'm trying! [laughs]

Frasier

You must have some recollection. A fair-haired boy outside your door, at the piano... on the piano...

Warner

No, I'm sorry.

Frasier

Well, listen, before the memories come flooding back to you. I should tell you that we had a romance that didn't have the happiest of endings.

Warner

[cheerful:] Oh!

Frasier

That's why I'm here. You see, our last evening together we "walked through a summer storm and I kissed the raindrops on your nose and promised we'd always be together." And I broke that promise. You helped a shy adolescent take his first uncertain steps towards becoming a man and how did I repay that kindness? By running off and leaving you with nothing but your memories.

Warner

And not many of those either! [laughs]

Frasier

Well, can you ever forgive me?

Warner

Oh, you're so sweet. Of course I can forgive you.

Frasier

Thank you, thank you.

Frasier

It's such a relief to get that off my chest.

Clarice

[o.s:] Mother, mother, I'm going now.

Warner

You run along, Clarice.

Frasier

[realising:] Clarice?

Clarice

[walks in:] Oh, excuse me.

Warner

Dear, this is Frasier Crane. Apparently we were quite an item once. [holds Frasier's hand]

Clarice

Frasier Crane. Well, what are you doing here?

Frasier

Obviously making an enormous mistake. [looks at Warner]

Clarice

Mother, would you get us some iced tea, please?

Warner

[to Frasier:] She's getting rid of me, but I'll be back! [exits]

Clarice

My God, well I can't believe you're here. It's got to be twenty...

Frasier

Twenty-five.

Clarice

Twenty-five years? Ah, and look at you.

Frasier

Look at you, you look incredible.

Clarice

Well sure, compared to my mother!

Frasier

That's not what I mean, you look stunning.

Clarice

Thank you. Look at you. You've become a very handsome man. And successful, too.

Frasier

Thank you.

Clarice

You're here because of that book, aren't you?

Frasier

Yes and I'd like to apologise right off. Er, I told that story to Mr. Fallow in confidence. It was never meant to be in print.

Clarice

There's no need to apologise. That was a lovely time in my life. It was nice to re-live it. So, are you married?

Frasier

Divorced. You?

Clarice

I've never married.

Frasier

I came here to apologise about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you, it was selfish and cowardly.

Clarice

Oh Frasier, relax. I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons. Do you still keep it up?

Frasier

Oh, the piano! Yes! Gee, I was a little nervous about coming here but now it feels like old times. Sit at middle C. [he sits at the piano]

Clarice

Then the metronome.

Frasier

Maybe I should get going. Clarice, at the risk of sounding a little forward - would you like to have a cup of coffee with me?

Clarice

Thanks, but I'll have to say no.

Frasier

If you're worried about the age difference, don't worry. That's no longer an issue. Man:Hi honey, are you ready to go?

Clarice

I'll be right out.

Frasier

Are you and he...

Clarice

Uh-huh. I weren't interested in forty-year-old men then and I guess I'm still not. Great to see you again, though. [kisses him] Bye, mom!

Warner

Good, now we're alone. [puts a drop of ice tea on her nose:] See what I did? I put a raindrop on my nose!