Burying A Grudge

Frasier

Where have you been?! We're on in two minutes!

Roz

Forgive me, but I was busy preparing your schedule for tomorrow. You've got lunch with the station manager, you're recording a PSA at three o'clock and don't forget to send flowers to your sister-in-law at the hospital.

Frasier

Oh yes, Maris's face-lift!

Roz

Really? I didn't know she needed one.

Frasier

Well, she doesn't, actually. There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

Frasier

What are those?

Roz

Oh, just extra copies of your schedule.

Frasier

Why are you running down to the Xerox room for extra copies of my schedule? It wouldn't have anything to do with that new intern, would it? What's his name?

Roz

Eli.

Frasier

Roz, he's probably all of nineteen.

Roz

That's legal!

Frasier

Well, coo-coo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson.

Roz

Frasier, the guy is so gorgeous, you just want to bite him all over, haven't you seen him?

Frasier

No, I've been eating out lately! You're not seriously thinking of dating him, are you?

Roz

Why is it all right for older men to date younger women but it's not okay for older women to date younger men?

Frasier

I don't make the rules, Roz, I just enjoy them.

Roz

You're on.

Frasier

Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. We're with you for the next three hours so let's get straight to it. Roz, who's our first caller?

Roz

On line one we have Linda, she's calling from a car phone.

Frasier

[presses button] Hello, Linda, I'm listening.

Linda

[v.o] Oh, Dr. Crane. My husband and I are right in the middle of a fight. You see, we're on our way to the antique mart, we're obviously lost, but he refuses to stop and ask for directions.

Frasier

Yes, well, Linda, this is a common source of friction among couples. [laughs] Some men feel the need to be in control, they see asking for help as a sign of weakness.

Linda

Oh, everybody knows that. Look, the reason I called is to ask how the hell do we get to the antique mart from Cherke Street and 14th Street.

Walter

[v.o] I don't need any directions! I know where I am!

Linda

We're lost, Walter, face it, we're lost!

Frasier

Well, this isn't normally the kind of advice I give, but let me see, I've lived in Seattle most of my life. Cherke and 14th, you would want to...

Roz

Dr. Crane, I've got a map right here.

Frasier

Oh, no thanks, Roz, I don't need any help!

Martin

Hey, put that down! That's disgusting, why do animals always drag these things into the house?!

Frasier

Oh, dear God, what is it? A rat?

Martin

No, it's a stupid doll!

Martin

He found it at the park and he carries it everywhere.

Martin

He never did this kind of stuff before you had him fixed!

Niles

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

I thought you'd be at the hospital with Maris.

Niles

I'm on my way down that now. Poor Maris, she's so worried, she hasn't had much hospital experience. Except the usual childhood things - you know, tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding.

Daphne

What's wrong with Mrs. Crane?

Niles

Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgery. Her chin, her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids...

Martin

Maybe it would be faster if you just told us what she's leaving alone! You know, if you want my opinion, this is just vanity!

Frasier

Oh, it's not vanity, Dad, it's insecurity. It's easy to understand how women can fall victim to our culture's worship at the altar of youth and beauty.

Niles

Precisely. Women over forty can't help but feel unattractive if they don't have [looking at Daphne] perfect hair, porcelain skin... limpid eyes... pouting lips... and the voluptuous contours of a goddess.

Niles

[after a while] I'm sorry, I forgot what my point was.

Daphne

Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed.

Niles

Where?

Daphne

Just south of Manchester.

Niles

[laughs at her innocence] I meant where on your body?

Daphne

[much less innocently] So did I!

Frasier

You know, what time is the surgery tomorrow?

Niles

First thing in the morning, which is why I'm here. I know I'm being silly and I'm sure everything's going to be fine but I was wondering if I might have your moral support down at the hospital.

Martin

Yeah, sure, no problem.

Niles

Thank you. Well, I expect I'll be off.

Martin

Hey, Niles. Not that it's any of my business but, er, how much is this whole thing setting you back?

Niles

Somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-five thousand dollars.

Martin

Jeez, for an extra five grand you can get a whole new wife from the Philippines.

Sternstein

Ah, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Dr. Sternstein.

Sternstein

Excuse me for a moment. Your wife is still in recovery but everything went splendidly so you can see her in a few minutes.

Niles

Thank you, doctor.

Sternstein

[to patient] All right, Mrs. Patterson.

Niles

Did you hear that, Frasier? He said everything went fine. He's an incredible plastic surgeon. Did you see that woman? Whoever Mr. Patterson is, he's a very lucky man.

Frasier

Maybe that was Mr. Patterson!

Frasier

You know, guess whose room I passed by on my way down the hall? Artie Walsh.

Niles

Dad's old partner?

Frasier

Yes, apparently he was in for some tests last week and the results weren't very good.

Niles

Oh no, I always liked him.

Frasier

Yeah.

Niles

I still remember him inviting us to his house for weenie roasts when we were kids. [laughs]

Frasier

I'm sure he remembers you too, asking for a salad ni�oise!

Niles

Do you think Dad knows he's here?

Frasier

Oh, I doubt it.

Niles

Do you think he wants to know?

Frasier

Probably not. They haven't spoken in years.

Niles

I don't suppose you got Artie to tell you what their big fight was all about?

Frasier

No, he's just as tight-lipped as Dad is. Although, with a little arm twisting, I did get him to admit it was all Dad's fault!

Martin

Hey, you guys should really try the cafeteria here. They've got a new chef - he's from Yemen.

Frasier

So many of the great ones are!

Niles

Dad, you know who's in the hospital here? Artie Walsh. He's not at all well.

Martin

Yeah, one of the guys told me. They might have to scoop out half of his intestines. Here, taste this meatloaf, it's got just the right amount of chewiness.

Niles

No, thank you. [pause] Are you gonna go see him?

Martin

No, can't think of any good reason why I should.

Frasier

Because he was your best friend for twenty years and now he's sick?

Martin

Hey, he never came to see me when I took that bullet - when I was lying there with stuff flowing in and out of tubes and drains from every bodily opening. [shows food to Niles] At least taste this gravy! [Niles waves it off]

Frasier

Dad, we are talking about a few minutes out of your life! Just long enough to sit there and have a little chat with a very sick man. I don't see why that's so impossible for you. Now, come on! Believe me, you'll be glad you did.

Martin

Hey, listen, sonny boy: that sanctimonious tone might wow 'em on the radio but it doesn't cut any ice with me! When I say no, that's just what I mean. I'm not sitting and chatting with Artie Walsh!

Frasier

Artie thought as much.

Martin

Why, what did he say?

Frasier

He said you wouldn't have the guts to go see him.

Martin

He said that?

Frasier

Yeah, then he snickered a little!

Martin

[stands] Well, I've got news for him. I've got the guts. I've got twice the guts he has, and after his surgery tomorrow, I'll have four times the guts!

Frasier

Artie, it's me again.

Artie

[notices Martin] Martin?

Martin

Artie.

Frasier

When he knew you were in here, he insisted on rushing right over, didn't you, Dad?

Martin

Yeah, well... they said you were in pretty rocky shape.

Artie

Well, they've been saying a lot of things.

Artie

Well, er, Marty, how's it been going?

Martin

Okay.

Frasier

Good. Small steps.

Martin

Sorry you're laid up.

Artie

Thanks. It was nice of you to come by.

Martin

Well, I guess somebody had to be the big man.

Artie

[laughs] Yeah. [realises] What? What's that supposed to mean?

Martin

I think you know what that means.

Artie

No, why don't you tell me what it means!

Martin

I mean I'm being a lot bigger than you were when I was in here!

Artie

You mean when you had that lousy bullet in your hip?

Martin

Hey, that lousy bullet hurt, pal!

Artie

Not enough!

Martin

Well, it's too bad you never took a bullet, it might have improved you.

Artie

Just be glad you didn't take it in the butt - it could have caused brain damage!

Martin

Oh, you always have to have the last word, don't you!

Artie

Not with you, I don't want any words with you!

Martin

Well, that's too bad, because I've got a couple of real choice ones!

Frasier

Dad!

Frasier

Next time we'll stay longer. [exits]

Martin

Stop staring at me like that, Eddie, I didn't touch your damn doll! [pause] Look, even if I did, you know, I did it for your own good. You were becoming the joke of the park, even the poodles were laughing at you! [Eddie stares relentlessly] Oh, all right! Here.

Martin

I gotta get that dog a G.I. Joe!

Niles

[on phone] Yes, yes, Maris, I'm sure. No, no, you can't gain weight from a glucose IV. No, no, my little worry wart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip. Just, just try to close your eyes and go to sleep. Goodnight, Puppy Toes. [hangs up]

Daphne

Is everything okay with your wife?

Niles

Actually, no. She can't get along with any of her nurses. Honestly, I'm at a loss to understand how a reputable hospital can hire nothing but troublemakers!

Frasier

Yes, the Little Sisters of Mercy have always had that reputation!

Niles

Dad, I didn't get a chance to ask you, how did your reunion with Artie go?

Martin

[sitting in chair] Lousy.

Daphne

If you don't mind me asking: what started this bad blood between the two of you?

Martin

He spread a rumor about me through the department.

Frasier

About what?

Martin

None of your business.

Frasier

Oh, come on.

Martin

No, I don't want to talk about it. Subject closed.

Niles

Must have been pretty bad.

Frasier

Oh, yes. Must have been on the take.

Daphne

More likely drugs.

Niles

Drugs, yes, drugs... Or sex. Could be sex.

Frasier

Or all three!

Martin

Oh, all right, it was worse than any of that. [pause] He told people... I cried at "Brian's Song."

Frasier

Dear God! You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own!

Martin

Well, I wasn't crying! Me and Artie were sitting at Duke's watching the movie and I got some pretzel salt in my eye! Artie thought it was the funniest thing in the world, the next thing I know he's telling everybody. And then I become the joke of the department. Other cops left Kleenex on my desk! They called me "Boo Hoo Crane."

Daphne

Well, I suppose I can understand your being upset with him. But, what's he so cheesed off with you for?

Martin

Well, I guess I let something slip about the size of his wife's behind.

Daphne

I beg your pardon?

Martin

Well, she's got this gigantic rear end, I mean it's enormous. It looks like she's shoplifting throw pillows!

Frasier

And you felt compelled to share that with him?

Martin

Well, for twenty years I tried not to and then I guess one day I let my guard down. We were both coming into the station house and he says, "Hi" and I say, "Hi" and he says, "How's the wife?" and I said, "At least she doesn't have an ass the size of Albuquerque!"

Niles

And that's it - a twenty-year relationship down the drain because of a little name calling!

Martin

No, there's more to it than that. I mean, Artie always had to have the last word. Always! [pause] He couldn't leave well enough alone.

Martin

[suddenly] He couldn't let sleeping dogs lie.

Martin

[suddenly] You'd think it was all over and then he'd start saying something again. Look, can we drop this? Artie obviously still has an attitude and I've got better things to do than sit around a hospital room taking abuse. [exits]

Niles

[realising] Oh God, I'm due back with Maris. Oh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.

Frasier

Why?

Niles

Maris's doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible. So I slipped a pearl-handed revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.

Frasier

I think we better say a little prayer for the night nurse!

Daphne

You know, it's such a shame your father and your friend just can't let bygones be bygones. Especially at a time like this.

Frasier

I don't know what else to do, he's just so damn stubborn.

Daphne

Well, maybe if I had a go at it. You know, in the past year and a half I've come to have a pretty good understanding of how the Crane mind works - when it works!

Daphne

Mr. Crane, about your partner...

Martin

I don't want to talk about it anymore!

Daphne

No, no, I just wanted to tell you I'm on your side. After the way he treated you, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.

Martin

Damn right!

Daphne

It's hard to see how you could have had any good times together.

Martin

Well, there weren't many. Well, occasionally we'd go fishing together.

Daphne

That doesn't sound like much fun.

Martin

[reminiscing] Well, not the way I did it. But Artie got it into his head that he was going to teach me. [laughs] He even went out and bought this beaten old boat. He always said after we retired we'd get more use out of it.

Daphne

Yeah, well, it seems awfully pushy of him to foist his interests on you.

Martin

Oh, it wasn't so bad. I remember one time I bust my arm reeling in what turned out to be someone's old bedroom slipper. You know what Artie did? He just unhooked it and threw it right on the barbecue. [laughs]

Daphne

Well, I guess maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.

Martin

[pensive thought, then:] You know, maybe you're right. I listen to myself talking and I sound like a big fool. Thanks Daphne, you really opened my eyes.

Daphne

I thought I might.

Martin

Yeah, I'm going to march right down to that hospital, buy him a big stuffed animal and then throws my arms around him and never, ever let him go! [blows a raspberry in her face]

Daphne

You really are a hateful old sod, aren't you?

Martin

Come on, Eddie, time for your walk!

Frasier

Hello? Yes, it is. [pause, then in morbid tones] Oh, I see. Yes, well, I guess it isn't really a shock, considering. Yes, I'm sure they did everything they could. Thank you. [hangs up]

Martin

What was that?

Frasier

[quietly] We'll talk about it later, Dad.

Martin

[worried] Is everything okay?

Frasier

Why do you ask?

Martin

Well, I don't know. You saying, "I'm sorry" and stuff like "I'm sure you did everything you could" and it's natural to be concerned.

Frasier

You thought that call was about Artie, didn't you?

Martin

No!

Frasier

Yes, you did!

Martin

So what if I did?

Frasier

Well, it just proves my point - you still care about him!

Martin

All right, so suppose I do care about him, suppose I do feel bad about this stupid fight and want it over. What the hell can I do?

Frasier

Well, it's up to you. But if you like, I could drive you down to the hospital.

Martin

[sends Eddie away and puts down lead] I don't need you to lead me. I can drive myself.

Frasier

No, you can't.

Martin

Why not?

Frasier

That was your mechanic, your transmission's dead.

Frasier

Artie?

Artie

Oh, Jeez...

Frasier

Oh, now look. You guys got off on the wrong foot...

Martin

All right, Frasier, I'll handle this. [comes in] Artie... [pause, uncomfortable] Will you turn the TV off?

Artie

I'll turn it down.

Martin

Listen, Artie, I'm sorry about some of those things I said earlier on, okay? Maybe all of them. I guess I was still a little steamed that you never came to see me in the hospital.

Artie

I didn't come by because... well, I just didn't think you'd want to see me.

Martin

Of course I wanted to see you!

Artie

[smiles] That's what my wife said.

Martin

Oh, yeah, Loretta.

Artie

Anyway, I'm glad you could come by. And I know it's not easy. Especially for someone as stubborn as you are.

Martin

Me stubborn?! Hey, listen pal, I'm not the one who always has to have the last...

Martin

Oh, you're right, Artie. I am stubborn. And it wasn't easy.

Artie

Thanks, Martin.

Martin

[to Frasier] Listen, Artie and I have a couple of things to talk about so, if you, er, if you'll just wait outside, it'll be a lot easier.

Frasier

Oh, fine, Dad. Anything I can say right now would just be irrelevant. One thing you learn as a therapist is once things are working well between people, anything else you can say would just be...

Martin

So, what's a rotten old cop like you doing in a joint like this?

Artie

Believe me, it wasn't my idea. This is not how I expected things to end.

Martin

What are you talking about, end? You're going to be out on the street raising hell before you know it.

Artie

I don't know, Marty. The doctors aren't exactly tossing their hats up in the air over this one.

Martin

Hey, my sons are doctors, they don't know nothing! Now, listen, you're going to get yourself out of here, okay? Cause we've got a lot of lost time to make up for. Hey, do you still have that stupid boat?

Artie

Oh, yeah. [chuckles] I hung on to it.

Martin

Good, we'll sink that damn thing yet! Hey, Artie, do you remember that time you barbecued the bedroom slipper? [laughs]

Artie

I kept telling you, stuff always tastes better when you catch it yourself. [laughs]

Niles

Frasier. What are you doing here?

Frasier

Oh, I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course I did have to resort to cheap, manipulative pseudo- psychology.

Niles

Always go to your strengths.

Frasier

Well, what about you? It looks like you've bought out the entire gift shop. Maris should be pleased.

Niles

Oh, this isn't for Maris, it's for her nurses. They're having a meeting right now to discuss her care and from what people tell me - a hospital strike can be ugly!

Nurse

Visiting hours are over, gentlemen.

Frasier

Oh, thank you, I'll go round up dad.

Niles

Er, excuse me, do you work on my wife's floor - Mrs. Maris Crane?

Nurse

[immediately standoffish] Yes, I do.

Niles

I'd like you to have these chocolates. [hands them over]

Nurse

I'm on the night shift.

Niles

And this lovely watch. [hands it over]

Frasier

Hey, dad? It's time to go.

Artie

What? You get another phone call about your dad's transmission? [they laugh] Your dad told me about that.

Frasier

Well, all I was doing was...

Artie

Yeah, yeah, I know what you were doing. [winks] Thanks, kid.

Frasier

See you soon.

Martin

Okay, now, we've got a deal, all right? As soon as you get sprung from this joint, you've got to give me some serious fishing lessons.

Artie

IF I get out.

Martin

WHEN you get out! You're not getting the last word on this one!

Artie

See you, Marty.

Martin

[stands] See you, Art.

Artie

Bye.

Martin

Bye.

Artie

Take care.

Martin

Take care.

Artie

Stay loose!

Martin

See you, Artie!

Artie

[o.s] See you, Marty.