Seat Of Power
Aired 13th December 1994 · Written by Steven Levitan · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
[on air] Well, I think we have time for one last call, who's up next, Roz?
Roz
We have Elliot, on line three.
Frasier
Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
Elliot
[v.o. He sounds like a thirteen year old] Well, you see Dr. Crane, I have a problem. I'm a salesman...
Frasier
Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Elliot
Forty-three.
Frasier
Forty-three?
Elliot
Yes.
Frasier
Now tell. Let's be truthful.
Elliot
I'm forty-three.
Frasier
Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are really doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems.
Elliot
Hey, I'm forty-three, I was born in New Providence, and I have a very young-sounding voice that people make fun of all the time!
Frasier
[contrite] Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive of me.
Elliot
Hah! Gotcha, Dr. Doofus!
Frasier
Yes, indeed you did "get us," Elliot, but we are not so stuffy here on this program that we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time. [off-air] Roz, can't you keep these pimply- faced little maggots off the air?! [on air] Well, that's our show for today. This is Dr. Crane signing off and wishing you good mental health.
Frasier
Have a good weekend, Roz.
Roz
Wait, Frasier. I want to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an honest answer.
Frasier
No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
Roz
Well, that wasn't the question. But why would you think it was?
Frasier
Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with "I want an honest answer," that's usually the question.
Roz
Well, I'm not that insecure.
Frasier
Good. I'm sorry, you were right. Your question, please.
Roz
Would you say the back of my head is unattractive?
Frasier
Roz, have you completely lost your mind?
Roz
No, I'm serious. You know how I have season tickets to the Seahawks games? Well, there's this really cute guy who sits right behind me, and a few weeks ago we said "Hi" and we smiled at each other, but so far he hasn't asked me out yet. So I was thinking there was something, you know, weird about the back of my head.
Frasier
Roz, there could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn't asked you out.
Roz
[sarcastic] Thank you, that makes me feel much better.
Frasier
No, no, maybe he's married, maybe he's in a relationship, maybe he's gay. Or maybe, just maybe, he's there to watch a football game and not cruise for chicks.
Roz
...Okay, you're right. I'm being ridiculous.
Frasier
Of course you are. See you Monday.
Roz
All right. [sits back down]
Roz
I saw that! [he runs out of the booth, she chases him to get his opinion] Wait!
Frasier
You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it... [takes a bite out of scone] Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum yum yum... Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're blue in the face... As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist, you're not even here... [he goes back to reading his paper, but soon crumbles under Eddie's unrelenting stare] Oh, all right, here! Get fat!
Martin
Ah, got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier
I am not.
Martin
Well, he never begs while I'm eating.
Frasier
Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin
Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.
Daphne
Eddie?! Let's go for another walk.
Martin
I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne
I did, twice.
Martin
He's gotta go again?
Daphne
No, actually I do! [she catches herself as Martin and Frasier give her sharp looks] That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie. [pulls his leash, Eddie doesn't want to move] He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier
I'm glad somebody is.
Martin
Hey Frasier, how about fixing that toilet of yours? It keeps running all the time, the noise is driving me crazy.
Frasier
All right, Dad. I'll call a plumber.
Martin
What do you mean, "Call a plumber?" You've got two hands, fix it yourself.
Frasier
Dad, I am a doctor. I have more important things to do with my life than to fix a toilet.
Niles
Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish massage.
Frasier
Fabulous!
Martin
Ah, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist cancelled on me.
Frasier
Dad, you will not do it yourself.
Martin
I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here.
Frasier
Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister. Here...
Frasier
See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Niles
Is that turquoise inlay?
Frasier
Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
Niles
Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't...
Frasier
Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that resonates within me...
Martin
This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless. [exits]
Niles
[examining the toolkit] Oh! A lemon zester!
Frasier
Yes... You know Niles, I'd actually like to fix that toilet, just to prove Dad wrong.
Niles
Frasier, when a man is born with superior genes, the last challenge he should face involving a toilet is learning how to use one.
Frasier
Yes, but we-we've conquered the intellectual world, but in the world of nuts and bolts we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
Niles
You're serious?
Frasier
Yes! We could borrow some tools and fix it ourselves. It would be good practical experience, and it would shut Dad up.
Niles
We'll show him! We're made of tougher stuff than he thinks!
Frasier
Exactly.
Niles
And it's early. We can let the Eucalyptus wrap be our reward.
Niles
[on phone] Maris. I'm afraid I'll be delayed a few hours. Frasier and I have taken it upon ourselves to tackle a home repair. Yes, I'm working with my hands... Yes, I've worked up a bit of a sweat... I suppose I could take my shirt off.
Frasier
Niles, what are you doing?
Niles
She seems to be getting aroused at my attempt at manual labor. [on phone] Maris? I'm holding some sort of wrench...
Frasier
[taking phone] Give me that! [on phone] Hello, Maris? Maris, Niles is busy now... No, never mind what I'm wearing. [hangs up] May we continue, please?
Niles
Fine. All right. [starts reading out instructions] "Take the ball-cock assembly, thread it through the tank hole."
Frasier
Done.
Niles
"And fasten it under the tank with a lock-nut."
Frasier
Yes, very well, lock-nut. You see Niles, until today, you didn't even know what a locknut was.
Niles
That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch.
Frasier
You know Niles, working with our hands like this, I'm reminded of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising. All the men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle, all toward that simple, yet extraordinary goal. [replaces the tank lid] All right... we are ready to flush.
Niles
Here's to what the Crane brothers can accomplish when they put their minds to it. Flush away.
Frasier
It's working! Oh my God, it's working. Look, it's draining out of the tank, into the bowl...
Niles
It's filling the bowl, and then the tank — oh, I've seen it a million times, but never has it meant so much!
Frasier
It's glorious.
Niles
Frasier? Shouldn't it be stopping now?
Frasier
One would think so, yes.
Niles
Ohh, ohh!
Frasier
Ohh! [referring to instructions] Look it up. What does it say to do now?
Niles
[flipping rapidly] It says - oh, it says nothing! Where are all your Amish friends now?!
Niles
The plumber's been called, the wine is properly chilled, suddenly my world makes sense again.
Frasier
We've had a tough day. We've tangled with a little pipe and porcelain. Now it's Montrachet time.
Niles
When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier
Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles
But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150- an-hour therapy.
Frasier
[raises his glass] To the circle of life.
Frasier
That must be the plumber.
Martin
Well, are you going to answer that, or are you going to hire somebody to do that for you too?
Frasier
Dad, we tried, okay?
Daphne
Oh please, I wasn't doing anything. Let me get it.
Danny
Somebody call for a plumber?
Daphne
Not nearly soon enough.
Martin
Follow me. [he and Danny exit to toilet]
Daphne
What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier
Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne
Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
Niles
Frasier, you've got to get him out of here.
Frasier
What?
Niles
That man is not fit to touch your toilet!
Frasier
Niles, have you been self-medicating again?
Niles
That was Danny Kreizel.
Frasier
"Kreizel the Weasel?" How can you be sure, it's been twenty- five years.
Niles
I'd recognize him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my entire childhood!
Frasier
He certainly didn't recognize you just now.
Niles
Well, perhaps that was because he wasn't sticking my head down a toilet and FLUSHING IT! That was his trademark. He called it... a swirly.
Frasier
Niles, you don't have to remind me of the Kreizel reign of terror. I'm quite convinced I can trace my fear of confined spaces back to the time when his older brother Billy shoved me into a locker, wearing a girl's field hockey uniform!
Niles
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deny you your pain.
Frasier
Thank you.
Niles
[back to his own pain] I can still hear the laughter, and Kreizel's mocking voice as he'd hoist me over the bowl. "Hold your breath, Jocko!" Then the crowd would start its awful chant. "There goes Crane, Down the Drain!" [starts to bow over the armchair] "There goes Crane, Down the..."
Frasier
NILES! Niles, get a hold of yourself! Stop it! Stop, stop. It's all right. You're no longer an awkward teenager, you're a renowned psychiatrist. Danny Kreizel may have won a battle or two back in junior high, but that's where he peaked. You won the war. You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
Niles
It's a wonderful expression. Just don't know how true it is. Don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
Frasier
All right, Niles. [heads into the kitchen]
Niles
[follows him] "Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke."
Frasier
Oh, all right!
Martin
That's a new part, right?
Danny
Yeah.
Martin
'Cause I'm sure you're charging me for a new part, so I wouldn't want you charging me for a used part.
Danny
What are you, the plumbing police?
Martin
[exiting] I'll be back.
Niles
Don't mind me, just came in for some aspirin. Tannic acid gives me the tiniest headache. That's the price I pay for drinking nothing but expensive wine.
Danny
[not reacting to jibe] Hey. [whistles to get Niles's attention] You got a real mess here. I'm gonna have to call the shop, have my partner bring out a whole lotta new parts. You're looking at two guys on golden time, is that okay with you?
Niles
It's only money. Hmph...
Danny
Say, uh, has somebody been trying to fix this thing?
Niles
Not me. I don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320.
Danny
Boy, that's a nice car.
Niles
Yes, I should say it is.
Danny
Yeah, I had one for a while. But it was too small for the whole family, so we upgraded to the S class.
Niles
You have the big Mercedes?
Danny
Oh, yeah. And I gotta tell you, my 13 year-old's already got his eye on it. That's a great kid right there. Except he got in a fight at school the other day.
Niles
Oh, really? [reaches out to flush the toilet] With some small- boned child with superior language skills?
Danny
Nah. It was some big jerk on the football team who tried to steal his lunch money.
Niles
Ah.
Danny
Yeah. [bows his head in again]
Niles
Well, there's nothing like a bully.
Danny
Well, I gotta tell you, I'd rather he'd be a bully than one of those wussy kids that always get picked on. You know the kind I'm talking about? Kids who are too gutless to fight back?
Niles
You admire someone who fights back, do you?
Danny
Well, sure. I mean, if you don't fight back, what are you? You're a wuss, you're a wimp, you're a...
Frasier
STOP! Niles, leave the man alone while he's trying to work!
Daphne
What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier
He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne
I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
Niles
Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!
Frasier
Niles, you've had a chance to cool off. Are you ready to talk about this now?
Niles
No, I'm not ready yet.
Frasier
Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
Niles
[getting soda from fridge] You don't seem to understand, I feel this RAGE! It's as if this BEAST has been awakened within me! [he can't get the top off the bottle] Could you get that for me?
Frasier
Niles, you see, there is a beast in all of us. Part of becoming a rational adult is learning to control it. That's what separates us from the Kreizels of this world.
Niles
That and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom each other.
Frasier
Don't you see? You have an opportunity with Danny that I never had with Billy. To confront him as a rational adult and achieve some closure.
Niles
Easier said than done, Frasier. One look at that oafish face, those dead Kreizel eyes, and you see there is no chance for communication.
Frasier
Yes, there is, Niles. There has to be.
Niles
I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again.
Frasier
No, you won't. You're not a child anymore. [taking Niles by the hand] Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom!
Niles
Excuse me sir, I'd like to have a word with you.
Danny
Yeah, go ahead.
Niles
I'd like to take you back in time to the 1970's. There was an intellectually gifted young student at John Adams Junior High. You took it upon yourself to terrorize that student, simply because he was different from you. I was that student.
Danny
No kidding?
Niles
I was hoping we could step into the living room and come to some sort of understanding.
Danny
It's okay with me. Any room in the house is still fifty-nine bucks an hour. [drops a tool into his toolbox] I'll be right back, Billy.
Frasier
Billy?
Billy
Ah, that's my brother for ya. Always getting into stuff. But if you ask me, your friend over there is getting all worked up over nothing.
Frasier
You think so, Billy?
Billy
Kids pick on other kids, it's part of growing up. If anything, it made those weak kids tougher.
Frasier
Really?
Billy
Come on, you're a big guy. You must have been involved in some kinda stuff?
Frasier
Oh, I was involved...
Frasier
Billy, I would like to take you back in time...
Billy
[stands] No. Let me take YOU back. I remember once, we jammed this poindexter into a locker, wearing a girl's field hockey uniform! [laughs]
Danny
No, I'm sorry. I just don't remember you.
Niles
Well, perhaps you'll remember third period gym class. You used to make me wear my jockstrap like a tiara?
Danny
Oh, yeah! Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attaché case?
Niles
...It was a valise.
Danny
I remember you. Boy, those were some crazy times. You ever see any of the old gang?
Niles
Look, you're missing the point. I was severely scarred by those experiences...
Danny
Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in junior high, I mean who can? But let's face it, when you show up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches and carrying a valise, I mean, I think the guilt here is fifty- fifty.
Billy
He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies," so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called it... [thinks]
Frasier
[slapping a tube of toothpaste into his palm] A jet pack.
Billy
[howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all.
Niles
Well then, my next question to you would be "Why would you behave this way?"
Danny
Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess because people thought it was funny.
Niles
I see, I see. So then, to get this validation, you would, say, squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the lunch room?
Danny
I did that to you?
Niles
Yes. How does that make you feel?
Danny
...Well, kinda bad!
Niles
The healing has begun!
Billy
So, so in front of the whole bus, we pants him! He's yelling at us, [squeaky voice] "Gimme back my pants!" But - whoops! — they fell out the window!
Niles
So then it's possible these acts of aggression were misplaced outbursts aimed at your father.
Danny
[almost in tears] Yes.
Niles
He was the real bully, wasn't he?
Danny
Oh, yes!
Niles
Let it out, Danny, let it out!
Danny
Nothing I ever did was good enough for him! [sits up] I am so sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that.
Niles
[puts his hand on Danny's shoulder] You were the best.
Billy
Then we made him hula in his underwear in front of all the girls! [laughs and dips his head back in the toilet] You shoulda been there!
Frasier
I WAS there! [lunges at Billy]
Danny
Thanks. This has just been terrific for me.
Niles
I can't take all the credit. Half the thanks belongs to my brother. He convinced me a civilized person can work anything out, as long as he approach it in a calm, rational manner.
Frasier
Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!
Martin
So you really shoved his head right in here?
Frasier
I don't know, Dad. It's all really sort of a blur. I guess I just lost control.
Martin
Bet it felt good though, didn't it?
Frasier
No... it felt damn good.
Martin
[laughs] Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it twenty years ago, you could have given him a much better swirly. These low-flow toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones. So what did he do to you?
Frasier
He didn't have the nerve to do a thing.
Martin
You paid him off, huh?
Frasier
I've never written a check so quickly in my life.
Martin
[flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Martin
Oh yeah, sounds good. [gets up] Come on, Eddie.
Martin
Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there!