Roz In The Doghouse

Marie

[v.o.] Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's this man I'd like to go out with, but he's forty years old and he's never been married. Do you think that means something?

Frasier

Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or it could mean he's just been lucky!

Frasier

Marie, that was a joke.

Marie

[sighs audibly] Did I mention I'm calling from a pay phone?

Frasier

Alright, alright, Marie, um... I would say give him a shot, but uh... I'd keep that caution bulb lit. Thank you for your call, Marie. [punches a button] Who's next, Roz?

Roz

If you ask me, it's divorced people you have to watch out for. Someone's never been married - it might just mean they're a careful shopper. Whereas your divorcé will bite into any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.

Frasier

The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been- married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana. [irritably] May we take another call, please?

Roz

We could, but it's time for a station break.

Frasier

[surprised] Oh. Oh well then, we'll be right back after this.

Frasier

Roz, didn't we just take a break?

Roz

The lot was full this morning - I had to park at a meter. I'll be right back.

Frasier

Oh. Fine, just hurry.

Roz

[pausing] Do I have headphone hair? [off his look] Well, I may have to flirt my way out of a parking ticket!

Frasier

Oh, just go!

Roz

OK, OK!

Roz

[clutching her ankle] Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Frasier

My God! [hurrying over] Are you alright?

Bulldog

I got the wind knocked out of me, but I guess I'm OK.

Roz

Ow, ow, my ankle!

Frasier

Here, Roz. [bending down and touching her leg] Does this hurt?

Frasier

Alright, there's no nerve damage at least.

Gil

Still, one ought to have an X-ray.

Frasier

Yeah, come on.

Roz

Frasier, Frasier, the show!

Frasier

No, that's alright, Roz, I'll get someone to fill in for me.

Roz

No, I mean right now! You've got dead air.

Frasier

Oh, God!

Bulldog

[to Gil] Take the shoe off.

Roz

[in pain] Oh, oh...

Gil

[on removing her shoe] Oh, dear.

Roz

[worried] What is it?

Gil

[distastefully] I see it's been a while since our last pedicure.

Roz

[calling] Who is it?

Frasier

[from behind the door] It's Frasier.

Roz

It's open.

Frasier

Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?

Roz

Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left?

Frasier

It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you. [looking around] That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post?

Roz

Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you?

Frasier

No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage.

Roz

[noticing the box] Is that for me?

Frasier

Oh, yes. [hands it to her] Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work, and love.

Roz

Aw, thanks, Frasier! [opens the box] So you brought me work.

Frasier

Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos.

Roz

Who is it?

Bulldog

[from behind the door] It's Bulldog!

Roz

Shh! Pretend we're not here.

Frasier

Roz, you just said, "Who is it?"

Bulldog

Hey, Doc!

Frasier

Hey, Dog.

Bulldog

Hey, Roz! [noticing his surroundings] Wow! The whole place is a bedroom! [barks]

Roz

What are you doing here?

Bulldog

Well, I kinda feel responsible for you being on the disabled list. So I brought you some deli.

Frasier

Nothing says I'm sorry like fatty meats.

Bulldog

[walking into the kitchen] You got your pastrami, coleslaw... OK, where's the french fries? I ordered french fries!

Bulldog

THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [comes out of the kitchen] That apron boy is gonna...! [notices another white bag on the E-Z table next to Roz's bed] Oh, here they are.

Frasier

To think he does it all without steroids.

Bulldog

[coming back out] You want me to stick these in the oven?

Roz

Actually, I'm not really very hungry.

Bulldog

Oh. Then I guess you're not thirsty either? [pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey]

Roz

Glasses are on the top shelf.

Frasier

None for me, Bulldog. I'm off to the opera.

Roz

[desperate] You can't leave!

Bulldog

[calling] Hey, no ice cubes!

Roz

[calling back] Just chip whatever you can off the edge of the freezer. [whispering to Frasier] If you leave me, he'll hit on me!

Frasier

Roz, with a sprained ankle?

Roz

You know what it's like in the jungle - they always go after the sick and the lame.

Frasier

Roz, I'd like to stay, but I'm meeting people at the opera. I've got the tickets!

Bulldog

[entering with two glasses] Here we go. I'll get you more ice in a minute when the feeling in my forehead comes back.

Frasier

Well, curtain's going up. [opens the door and turns back] Listen, Roz, if you need anything, feel free to call me absolutely anytime. Well, except for the next three hours, of course. I'm at the opera. Oh, no, no, no... four hours, it's Wagner. Um... oh, then I've got a late supper, then right to bed, I've got an early squash game... tell you what, let's just say call me absolutely anytime after four tomorrow afternoon.

Bulldog

Hey. [clinks her glass with his] This is nice. You and me, having a drink together.

Roz

[draining her glass] Yeah. It's been fun. Bye! [slams her glass onto the E-Z table]

Bulldog

How come you only painted two toenails?

Roz

[sighing] 'Cause it hurts too much when I reach.

Bulldog

You want me to finish them for you?

Roz

No, please, it's OK.

Bulldog

Hey, it's a nice colour. Goes with the bruise.

Roz

Bulldog, I mean it. Stop it.

Bulldog

Hey, you got nice feet!

Roz

Really? You don't think they're too big?

Bulldog

You kidding? I could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy. [starts painting her nails]

Roz

[semi-suspicious] You know, it's really nice of you to do all this for me. Kind of surreal... but nice.

Bulldog

Oh, I figure if I'm nice to you... maybe you'll be nice to me.

Roz

[pushing herself off the bed] I knew it, I knew it! You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny, low-class slimeball you've always been!

Bulldog

Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me... look, all I wanted to ask you is if, you'd be interested in producing my show.

Roz

[shocked] What?

Bulldog

Yeah, I'm not real crazy about the guy I got now. And let's face it - you're the best producer there is.

Roz

You really think I'm the best?

Bulldog

Hey, that goes without saying.

Roz

[obviously won over] Well, Frasier goes without saying it every day. [sits back down]

Bulldog

Well, you don't have to answer right now, just take your time and think about it. But I gotta warn ya, when I set my mind on something, I get it. I once wanted to interview George Foreman. He said no... but I got him. [starts painting again] I had to paint his toenails FOUR times, but I got him!

Daphne

You've been wrapping your bandage too tight. You've got to keep the blood flowing to the injured ligaments.

Roz

Daphne, that feels great. Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.

Daphne

Actually, I'll need a raise to get me to "not enough."

Martin

Hey, Roz!

Roz

Hey, Martin, what's going on?

Martin

Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes!

Daphne

[mock approvingly] Oh yes, look! They have tassels!

Niles

Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. [goes to the bar to pour himself a drink] The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates.

Roz

There's a town that needs a bowling alley.

Frasier

Evening, all!

Niles

Hello!

Roz

Hey, Frasier!

Frasier

Oh Roz, Roz! Did you hear the show today? I was at the top of my form! I did a brilliant job of cutting a narcissist down to size!

Frasier

Oh, thank you, Niles. So...

Frasier

Ooh, Dad! New shoes? Do I hear cathedral bells?

Martin

Ring-a-ding-ding!

Frasier

Oh, Roz, I also wanted to apologize for leaving you last night. I hope you didn't spend the whole evening fending off Bulldog's advances.

Roz

Oh, no! Bulldog's not so bad! We actually had a good time!

Frasier

[laden with sexual innuendo] Ohhh?

Roz

What "ohhh?"

Frasier

Well, I couldn't help noticing he came in to work this morning wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday.

Niles

[laden with double sexual innuendo] Ohhhh??

Martin

[walking back to his chair] What's going on?

Niles

Roz slept with Bulldog last night.

Roz

I did not! How could you think that?

Frasier

Well, I mean - dropping by, bringing a little gift? It was obvious he was after something!

Daphne

Well, that's not fair! Dr. Crane is always dropping by and bringing me little gifts and he's not after anything!

Roz

[indignantly] I did not sleep with Bulldog - he didn't even hit on me. He did want something, though - he wanted me to leave you and come be his new producer.

Frasier

[skeptically] Oh, well! I wonder why he said that!

Roz

Because he really wants me.

Frasier

Yes well, I think that goes without saying.

Roz

For his show.

Frasier

Oh Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...

Roz

[snappishly] To what?

Niles

To play Aeneas to your Dido. [pause] Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.

Daphne

Oh, that's alright. As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.

Roz

You know, this is so insulting. You think Bulldog wants me to come work for him because he wants to get me into his bed. It doesn't even occur to you that he thinks I'm a good producer.

Frasier

Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive?

Roz

I'll tell you what naive is. Naive is someone who thinks he can stand there and talk to me like that without getting a crutch up his butt!

Frasier

Roz, I can see how he's manipulating you! I'm an expert in human behavior!

Roz

Oh, really? [to Daphne] Excuse me. [stands up angrily] I've heard your expert advice! The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia!

Frasier

Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!

Roz

Then hire one, because I'm taking the job with Bulldog!

Roz

[hobbling towards the door] That's it! I am outta here! [and hobbling...] Take a picture, 'cause I'm not in your life! [still hobbling] You have seen the last of me! [finally reaches the door and says triumphantly] Sayonara! [realizes] Oh damn, my purse.

Frasier

Well Bruce, I see we are loaded with callers here. What line is next?

Bruce

What's your favorite number?

Frasier

[tolerantly] Three.

Bruce

Damn. What's your other favorite number?

Frasier

[annoyed] Why don't you just let me handle this?

Frasier

Hello, you're on the line with Frasier Crane. I'm listening.

Francesca

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Um, my name is Francesca and I'm calling about my boyfriend. Well, he says he loves me, but I just can't get over this fear that I'm going to come home one day and he's not going to be there. I don't know. It probably stems from my childhood when my father left us.

Frasier

Oh Francesca, you are suffering from a fear of abandonment. But trust me, I'm here for you.

Francesca

Thank you, Dr. Crane. I'm always so afraid that people I count on will just disappear and I'll be left with...

Bruce

Sorry!

Frasier

[slightly panicked] Francesca, please... we had a little technical glitch there. But we were almost out of time anyway. Please, if you'll call in tomorrow, I'll make sure you're the first order of business. Please call. Well, we're just about wrapped up here, folks... I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle.

Bruce

[cheerfully] Good show, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

You think so, Bruce?

Bruce

Yeah!

Frasier

Well, call me old-fashioned but when my show starts out with a screeching noise that could shatter crystal, then moves on to an open mike while I'm eating a bag of potato chips, then disconnects two manic-depressives and a woman with a fear of abandonment, I don't think it's a show we should be mailing off to the Smithsonian!

Bruce

Don't worry, man - you'll do better tomorrow.

Bulldog

Yeah, it's going to be a great show, Roz. I can feel it.

Roz

Yeah, I'm psyched. You've got about a minute to show time.

Frasier

Hello, Roz.

Roz

Hello, Frasier.

Bulldog

Hey, Doc! Long week no see. Hope you haven't been avoiding me because I stole your chick.

Frasier

Oh, Bruce and I are getting along splendidly!

Roz

Yeah, I heard Bruce. What happened, the cockatoo want too much money?

Frasier

Bye, Roz.

Roz

So long, Frasier.

Gil

Oh, a moment, Frasier, please! I'm sure word has reached your ear already about the frutti de mare party I'm throwing to celebrate our fair city's great bounty from the sea.

Frasier

Yes, yes. I'd love to come.

Gil

Well, aye, there's the rub! You see, I've already invited Roz. With this rift between you two, well, the tension in the air will be thicker than my cioppino!

Frasier

Well, Gil, I'm sure that rift will soon be over. Before long, Bulldog will prove that all he's wanted all along is just to get his hands on Roz.

Frasier

Ooh... in fact that moment may have arrived.

Frasier

Look, she's bending over! Oh turn around, Bulldog!

Gil

Oh, yes! Isn't that what golfers refer to as "teeing it up?"

Frasier

[excitedly] Alright, he moves in... and he... [dejectedly] ...helps pick up the papers!

Gil

Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier. I too entertained hopes for low comedy.

Bulldog

Attention, sports fans! [blows a whistle and hits his gong] You're back in the doghouse with Bulldog Briscoe!

Bulldog

Let's talk football, Sunday's lock: Broncos over the Raiders. Easy money, huh, Roz?

Roz

Yeah, right! And men just want to cuddle. L.A. humiliated Denver last month!

Bulldog

Wh-Wh-What? Hey, do I tell you how to cook and clean? Denver's doo! It's a complete no-brainer.

Roz

Well then, it's right up your alley!

Gil

You know, I'm no sports fan - but they really are quite delicious together.

Frasier

Yes well, enjoy it while you can. Bulldog can't keep his libido in check forever.

Gil

[condescendingly] Well, of course you're right. And then Roz will come crawling back to you.

Frasier

Yes. In the meantime, I have to find someone halfway competent to produce my show. How hard could that be? disarray as the following people inhabit Roz's usual dominion: through the haze; the entire studio with pictures of cats and the control panel with a real live cat; when she bends over; coming in, and eventually throws up his hands in despair; in his chair. Frasier is suitably worried. He removes his head- phones and gets up, slinging his coat over his shoulder. His shirt is un-tucked... something we don't often get to see in a well-groomed man like Frasier.

Niles

You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener, Yoshi, hacking his way through our prize topiary!

Frasier

Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals.

Niles

Well, we're both animal lovers. But Maris is unable to have pets. She, she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally. Anyway, there was Yoshi, drunk as a lord, swinging his hedge-trimmer recklessly over his head. Before we could calm him, he had transformed Maris's prize stallion into some sort of obscene... goat-boy. The poor woman is inconsolable.

Frasier

Well, thank you, Niles. You've been a great deal of help. There are worse things than seeing one's career go down the toilet - I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.

Niles

It's always about you, isn't it?

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry! But I'm just the slightest bit panicky that I'm never going to get Roz back! I've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move, and against all natural laws, he hasn't!

Daphne

Come along! [seeing the two brothers] Oh! Hello! I thought we might run into you two here.

Martin

Yeah! Daphne and I have been out buying shoes. [to Niles] Oh, not that I don't appreciate the ones that you bought me, but... I thought I'd save those for special occasions, when only tassels will do. But hey, get a load of these!

Martin

They light up when I walk away!

Frasier

Doesn't everyone?

Daphne

Well, I see Mr. Congeniality here is still spreading sunshine wherever he goes.

Niles

Apparently things didn't go very well on his show today.

Martin

Oh, really? Well, you know these things go in cycles. I mean, take Bulldog's show - he's just had one great show after another lately.

Frasier

Hmm... what could be your point, Dad? I'm having trouble reading between the lines.

Martin

If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy.

Frasier

As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue.

Martin

You'd have to admit you were wrong.

Frasier

Exactly!

Daphne

I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.

Frasier

You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong... the world makes a little less sense.

Niles

Frankly, I don't understand why you want her back at all. She's pushy and opinionated.

Frasier

Niles, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit sexist? What's labeled "pushy" in a woman is called "assertiveness" in a man. Gone are the days when women were shunted aside to bat their eyelashes prettily and say nothing.

Daphne

I quite agree.

Frasier

[dismissively] Oh Daphne, please, I can handle this.

Daphne

Well, you've certainly handled it well enough so far! If you ask me, it's time you get off your high horse, buy Roz some flowers and beg her forgiveness. And don't be afraid to get your knees a little dusty.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not quite ready to swallow my pride.

Ed

Next time, wake me when the show's over.

Bulldog

All right, Wednesday we've got the NFL Picks. Then at the end of the show we do the "boner of the week."

Roz

No, we can't do that.

Bulldog

This is why I hate you. You are always trying to change my tried-and-true format. Why can't we do it?

Roz

Because I got you an interview with Wayne Gretsky.

Bulldog

[annoyed] See, Way... [realizes] Wayne Gretsky?

Roz

Mmm-hmm.

Bulldog

[ecstatic] Wayne Gretsky! [hits the counter] THIS IS AWESOME! THIS IS TOTAL BRILLIANCE! [flings up his arms] THIS IS... [winces] a pinched nerve. Ah, ah, ah! It's an old football injury. I got my head rammed into a locker when I tried to interview Mike Ditka. Ahh!

Roz

Here, let me help you with that.

Bulldog

Ah, this is great. I can't believe it. Wayne Gretsky, the great one. Aah... Roz, you are the great one. You are some kind of producer.

Roz

Thanks. I'm having a great time. I owe you, Bulldog. I owe you big.

Roz

You know, I never would have thought this a couple of weeks ago, but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we?

Bulldog

Uh-huh. I like chemistry. I flunked it, but I like it. You got any of that, uh... Wild Turkey left?

Roz

Yeah, sure.

Roz

[o.s.] You know, I got to be honest with you, Bulldog. When we first started working together, I never thought it would turn out like this! Did you?

Bulldog

All along.

Bulldog

Hey uh, Roz, you'd better make mine a double. I'm a double kind of guy.

Roz

Uh-uh! You're only going to get a little. There's a lot I want to do tonight, and I want you to keep up with me.

Bulldog

Yeah, well, uh...

Bulldog

All I ask is that you give me a couple of twenty-minute breaks.

Roz

What's that?

Bulldog

I uh... I thought a little music might be, uh, might be nice.

Roz

Can you concentrate with that on?

Bulldog

Oh yeah, yeah! Actually uh, I find uh...

Bulldog

...the distraction helps me.

Bulldog

Nah... second date. Don't be pushy. [he drops the handcuffs] This is great, Roz... us working like this.

Bulldog

Hey, uh... did you and the Doc ever end up working...

Roz

What?

Bulldog

Did you and the Doc ever, uh... end up working like this?

Roz

Oh yeah. We tried it once, but he complained I talked too much.

Bulldog

Oh, yeah? I would have figured you for a screamer.

Roz

What the hell are you doing in my bed?! Get out!

Roz

Get out! I asked you over here to WORK, you disgusting pervert!

Bulldog

[stands up, half on the bed, half on the floor] Hey-hey-hey! You're going to have to slow down! I'm getting some mixed signals here.

Bulldog

What are you doing?!

Roz

Is this clear enough for you?

Bulldog

Hey are you crazy? My wallet's in there!

Roz

Get out! Now!

Bulldog

Get out of my way, Doc.

Roz

[embarrassment and despair] Oh...!

Frasier

[with quiet triumph] I'm listening.