Retirement Is Murder

Frasier

Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over twenty year-old photographs of a murdered hooker. [raises his glass] Life is a banquet.

Daphne

I enjoy looking at your father's old case. Just because you have no plans tonight, don't spoil our harmless fun. You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.

Martin

Uh, listen Daphne, I got a lot of work to do here, so if you don't mind...

Daphne

Oh, excuse me. I didn't know I was bothering you.

Martin

Oh, I'm sorry, it's this damn case. I feel like the answer to who murdered Helen is right here. I just can't see it.

Frasier

Dad, you're obsessing. You stare at these grisly pictures day after day, night after night. Come on, why don't we go out and see a movie?

Martin

No, thanks.

Frasier

Let's go get a pizza.

Martin

Nah.

Frasier

Let's get tattooed. [Martin thinks about it, then shakes his head.] Oh! This is ridiculous. It's a beautiful night and I'm not going to miss it. I'm going to go out and take a long walk and I'm not going by myself.

Martin

He likes the rhododendrons on the north side of the park.

Marjorie

[v.o.] And I just wanted to thank you, Dr. Crane. Because of your advice, I've conquered my fear of heights. I, I took it slowly, gradually going higher and higher, until here I am, right now, having lunch at the top of the Space Needle!

Frasier

Marjorie, congratulations. I am so proud of you.

Marjorie

I mean, when I think of how you... [she screams loudly]

Frasier

God, what's wrong? What happened?

Marjorie

I just looked down.

Frasier

Well, Marjorie, don't do that. Look at your luncheon companion, look at your menu, but don't look down. You're only feeding your fears when you do that.

Marjorie

Maybe I wasn't ready for a window table.

Frasier

No, no, no. Of course you are, of course you are. You can beat this thing.

Marjorie

You're right, I can, Dr. Crane, if I just... [she screams again]

Frasier

Do not look down!

Marjorie

No, I didn't. My check just came.

Frasier

Oh, well, Marjorie, we're just about out of time now. Call me tomorrow, will you? Well, that's it for today folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, talk radio.

Bulldog

Hey, Doc.

Frasier

Bulldog.

Bulldog

I caught the first hour of your show today. If that chick whining about sexual harassment called my show, I'd say "Listen doll, you don't want people snapping your bra, don't wear one."

Frasier

Brilliant in its simplicity.

Bulldog

[to Roz] Hey, how's this sound, hardbody: You, me, Sonics, Nicks, tonight.

Roz

Sorry Bulldog, but I'm already going. I have season tickets.

Bulldog

Oh, we can still get together afterwards.

Roz

Only if I smash into your car in the parking lot.

Bulldog

Why is it the ones who want it the most put up the biggest struggle?

Roz

Because, when I do finally give in, I want us to enjoy it all the more.

Roz

That is, if I'm not too distracted by the fact that every man on Earth has died. [stalks off]

Bulldog

Almost had her there.

Frasier

Yes, it could have gone either way.

Bulldog

Ah, well, with my pull I can get those anytime I want.

Niles

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, oh, Bulldog, have you met my brother Niles? Niles, this is Bulldog Briscoe.

Niles

Oh, oh, oh, just the man I want to talk to. As a sports expert I'm sure you can tell me why none of the local media carry the Ivy League squash standings.

Bulldog

[bursts out laughing] Whoa! Another one just like you. Some gypsy put a curse on your family? Well, I gotta run. See you later, Miles.

Niles

It's, it's Niles.

Bulldog

Like it matters.

Niles

Well, you ready for our boys night out at La Cochan Noir?

Frasier

Yes. But Niles, I've been wondering: Would you mind if I asked Dad to join us?

Niles

Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant? He had a miserable time. The restaurant lost a whole star.

Frasier

Yes, it's just I'm trying desperately to come up with some way to get him out of the house. He's off on one of his "Weeping Lotus" binges again.

Niles

We've tried distracting him before. We've taken him everywhere from the arboretum to the zen garden. [thinks] Wait a minute, the zen garden is at the arboretum. Good lord, is it possible we've only taken him one place?

Frasier

[spotting the tickets] Oh, Niles, Niles, this is it, this is it. The basketball game!

Niles

Basketball?

Frasier

Yes, yes, I can get another ticket from the promotional department. Oh, this is perfect. Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual!

Niles

Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something and have done with it? [off Frasier's glare] All right.

Frasier

Come on Niles, look, it'll give you a chance to see the Tacoma Dome.

Niles

[as they walk out] I've already seen it. They had a home show there, once. You know, that's where I got that idea to stencil a grape arbor on our Wilkes dresser.

Frasier

I'm a Teamster compared to you.

Salesman

Peanuts! Peanuts here, peanuts!

Martin

Niles, the game is that way.

Niles

I know, I'm just calculating our escape routes in case of fire or urban unrest. Maris taught me that.

Martin

You love her, don't you?

Niles

Yes I do. Why?

Martin

It just helps to know that.

Frasier

Here we are: one beer, and two glasses of wine. I'm sure it's good, Niles, they opened a fresh box when they poured it.

Martin

What are you guys doin' drinkin' wine at a ball game? You should be drinkin' beer.

Niles

Dad, I only drink beer when I eat German food. Which is to say, never. [to Frasier] Did you notice where the facilities are when you were up?

Frasier

Yes, Niles, it's just as you feared: communal urinals in the mens room.

Niles

Oh, fine. What am I supposed to do about my shy kidneys?

Frasier

So, Dad, aren't these great seats, huh?

Martin

Yeah.

Frasier

What's the matter with you?

Martin

Uh, nothin'. Let me borrow your pen a minute, will ya?

Frasier

[handing it over] What for?

Martin

Well, I was thinking about that ballistics report and I just want to make a note so I won't forget it.

Frasier

Dad, the whole idea of coming here tonight was to get your mind off of the case. Listen I've done some reading. It seems the key for the Sonics is to stop Starts from penetrating and dumping the ball off for easy baskets.

Niles

Stop Starts? That sounds funny. Stop Starts. Stop Starts, stopstarts, stopstarts...

Frasier

Oh, shut up, Niles!

Martin

It makes no sense.

Frasier

Well, Dad, it's not my theory, I'm just quoting some sports writer.

Martin

No, I mean Helen. She was tall. She was five feet seven. Yet the bullet entered on a downward trajectory.

Frasier

Dad, please try to participate. Ooh, look! They're starting the wave! Ooh, it's coming this way, it's coming this way!

Frasier

That was fun, wasn't it? Oh, look, there's a peanut guy! [calling out] Peanuts!

Niles

How dare you! Stop it! That hooligan is pelting me with peanuts! From the look of that tray, he's come prepared. Stop it!

Frasier

Stop it, that is for me!

Martin

I gotta go make a call.

Frasier

Oh, Dad, this isn't about the case, is it?

Martin

Yeah.

Frasier

Well, Dad, look, you've been working on it for twenty years, how come you're so obsessed now?

Martin

Look, when Helen was murdered, I made a promise to her mother. I said that no matter how long it took, I'd find the killer. Well, I had a call from her last week, and she's an old lady now, living in a home somewhere and, I don't know, she just doesn't seem to have a lot longer to go, and it just kind of lit a fire under me to get this thing solved. So, I appreciate your bringing me here, but I gotta make this call. I'll be back in a couple of minutes. [He gets up to go to the phones.]

Frasier

Okay, Dad. I understand.

Fan

Boy, the traffic tonight is murder. [to Niles] Hey pal, what's the score?

Niles

West Side Story.

Martin

You know what's always bugged me? This picture of the crime scene. The way Helen's written "help." Why would she do that?

Daphne

Well, I suppose the word "howdy" would have been a bit too cheery under the circumstances. [She goes to the kitchen.]

Martin

But it makes no sense: anybody who could read "help" in the dirt could also see Helen lying there.

Frasier

Evening, Dad.

Niles

Hey, Dad.

Martin

Oh, listen, thanks again for the ball game. It was great.

Frasier

Oh, God, it was a pleasure, Dad. I'm only sorry you couldn't join us for dinner afterwards. La Cochan Noir gave us a late seating for a fabulous dinner.

Niles

It was an exquisite meal, marred only by the lack of even one outstanding cognac on their carte de digestif.

Frasier

Yes, but think of it this way, Niles: what is the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night.

Niles

Ah... quite right. To impossible standards. [They clink glasses.]

Frasier

So, Dad, any progress on the case?

Martin

Nah, I'm beat. Sometimes it's better to just get a good night's sleep and start fresh in the morning. Good night, fellas.

Frasier

Night, Dad.

Niles

Don't forget: brush your teeth and say your prayers.

Martin

[laughing] That's what I used to say to you guys when you were kids, didn't I?

Frasier

No, you didn't.

Martin

Oh. I meant to.

Niles

We knew that.

Daphne

Hello.

Niles

Hello, Daphne

Daphne

How was your dinner?

Niles

It was fine, except for one small flaw.

Daphne

Oh, just the way you like it. I see you're a bit intrigued by that yourself.

Frasier

Yes, well it's been a while since I've gone over this. Who are these guys?

Daphne

Oh, just some of the principal players in our little drama. [she passes over a photo] That's Detective Shelby, the vice cop who found the body.

Niles

Who is this menacing little mono-brow?

Daphne

Oh, that's Robbethai, a logger. An ex-boyfriend of Helen's. He used to come down from the mountains every couple of months and disappear with her.

Niles

If you ask me, he's the murderer.

Daphne

Impossible, he's got an air-tight alibi.

Niles

What is it?

Daphne

He was killing somebody else at the time. But you have to admit, this case has it all: sex, greed, jealousy, revenge, a monkey, hatred, deception…

Frasier

Wait, wait, wait...

Daphne

What?

Frasier

A monkey?

Niles

Yeah. This is a snapshot of the murder victim with her pet monkey, Koko. He was given to her by another boyfriend, Clive Brisbane.

Frasier

Well, why wasn't Brisbane a suspect?

Daphne

Well, he was, but several witnesses saw him at the racetrack at the time of the murder.

Niles

Excuse me, is that Clive Brisbane the animal trainer?

Daphne

That's right. Brisbane's Amazing Apes. They opened in Las Vegas for Englebert Humperdink.

Frasier

Yes, it's easy to forget there was a time when Las Vegas wasn't the tacky place it is now.

Niles

You know, I actually caught Brisbane's act on a trip to Las Vegas during college. Those apes were amazing! One minute, they'd be staging a living tableaux of George Washington crossing the Delaware, the next they'd be shooting suction cup arrows at Brisbane's lovely assistant's derriere.

Frasier

You know, there is a way that Brisbane could be the killer, and still have his horse track alibi hold up. Daphne, Niles, I present you with... the killer! [He turns around a photo of a chimpanzee.]

Daphne

A monkey was the trigger man?

Frasier

Just play along with me here. They're capable of shooting arrows, why not a gun?

Daphne

But why would Brisbane have her killed?

Frasier

[getting up] Because, because she jilted him for someone else.

Daphne

Robbethai, the logger!

Frasier

Exactly! My God, we've done it!

Daphne

No, you've done it, Dr. Crane!

Frasier

Well, yes! But you were standing very close by. Wait a minute. Are we saying here that a murder was committed by a monkey?

Niles

It's not so very farfetched! It could be Brisbane's diabolical homage to the Edgar Allan Poe story "Murders in the Rue Morgue." It's all about an orangutan who goes about the rooftops of Paris murdering people. Wait 'til we tell Dad his case has finally been solved! Dad! Dad!

Frasier

No. Niles, Niles, wait, wait. It's still just a theory. Even if we are right, just think how Dad would feel, knowing we cracked a case he couldn't solve in twenty years.

Daphne

Oh, dear, you're right.

Frasier

Wait. It's merely serendipity that I stumbled into this. Why can't it happen again? I simply rearrange the photos in a way that Dad will see the connection. All right, we've got Koko, the gun, and Helen.

Martin

What is it? No, hey, Frasier! What are you doin' over there?

Frasier

Sorry Dad.

Martin

No, no, no, I got these all set out the way I want 'em. This one goes up...

Martin

I'll be damned.

Frasier

Something wrong?

Martin

Look at that!

Frasier

What?

Martin

Well, I never thought it would just leap out and bite me like this. I think I may have solved this pain in the ass case.

Niles

You have?

Frasier

Dad, Dad, that's wonderful news!

Martin

Oh, no, no. Don't get too excited. I mean, this is kind of farfetched. I mean, it's a long shot, but, it's beginning to make sense to me.

Frasier

Here, lay it all out for us.

Martin

No, no guys, please, just give me a little privacy, will ya? I just gotta do some thinking.

Niles

No problem, Dad.

Daphne

I was just going to bed meself. Night, all.

Niles

[turning to stare after her] Goodnight, Daphne.

Niles

Oh, look at him. Do you see the sparkle in his eye? Oh, Frasier, he's like a little kid at Christmas.

Martin

Oh, geez, what happened to my entry wound close-ups?

Frasier

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Frasier

Hello Daphne.

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Is Dad home?

Daphne

Nope, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up early this morning.

Frasier

What?

Daphne

Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression. What does it mean here?

Frasier

Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it, though. [He heads for the sherry.]

Daphne

He was headed down to the station house to present his theory.

Frasier

Oh, dear God, I wish he hadn't done that. You know, I've been turning it over in my mind all day. The more I think about it, the goofier it sounds. I mean, a MONKEY. Let's hope they didn't laugh him out of the station, be one hell of way to end a thirty year police career.

Daphne

Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, it's not the most outlandish theory in the world.

Frasier

You're right, I could have said it was a trained giraffe. I suppose it killed her by spitting a bullet at her, thus explaining the downward trajectory.

Martin

Hey, guys.

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Hi, Dad.

Martin

I don't suppose we've heard anything from the station house, huh?

Daphne

Not yet.

Martin

I was afraid of that. I mean I knew my theory was a bit iffy, but when I told the guys they looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

Frasier

Geez, they didn't ridicule you, did they?

Martin

Oh, no, they always treat old timers with respect. They said "I'll check it out." Just like I used to when some nutbag'd come in there with aluminum foil in his hat claiming the Martians were trying to steal his brain waves.

Daphne

I'm sorry, Mr. Crane.

Martin

Oh, I don't know what I was thinking of. I've been walking around all afternoon just trying to figure out how I came up with such a half-assed theory.

Frasier

Dad, it wasn't your fault. I did it.

Martin

You killed her?

Frasier

No. But I did plant that ridiculous idea in your head. Remember last night when you came in, so upset that I was rearranging your pictures? Well, I rearranged them in a specific way so that you would... come to the same conclusion I did.

Martin

So you had the idea first?

Frasier

I can't tell you how terrible I feel.

Martin

Ah, don't blame yourself. You might have put the aluminum foil in my hat, but I walked right into the station wearin' it.

Daphne

I'll get it.

Frank

Hiya, Marty.

Martin

Hey, Frank. Frasier, Daphne, you remember Frank Hollings from the precinct?

Frank

Hey Marty, we gotta talk.

Martin

Frank, about that theory of mine...

Frank

I can't for the life of me figure what you were thinking.

Martin

I know, I know. I just feel so stupid, wasting your time.

Frank

It cost us a whole afternoon, and five detectives' time. And all we got to show for it is... heh, heh, we got the bastard!

Martin

I was right?

Frank

Hey, you don't believe me, ask these derelicts.

Daphne

Oh, Mr. Crane, I'm so proud of you.

Frasier

Oh, that's amazing, that's wonderful! [as a man spills beer on the couch] Oh, that's suede!

Cop

So Marty, how did you do it?

Martin

Well, you know, for years, I thought it was Robbethai, the logger. And then I thought, well, maybe it was Brisbane the animal trainer, but I was wrong.

Frank

How did you finally decide that it was Detective Shelby?

Martin

Well, I kept lookin' at that picture, and it kept buggin' me, you know? Why was she trying to write "help" in the dirt and then it came to me! She was trying to write the killer's name, "Shelby." Only she must've died before she finished the "b" and, and somebody must've kicked dirt over the "s."

Frank

Well, you nailed him all right. We pulled him in for interrogation and he cracked like a nut.

Daphne

Oh, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. But, then, you yourself were beginning to wonder if a monkey could really commit a murder.

Frasier

Well, I may have momentarily doubted it, but from time to time I have to be reminded to trust my gift.

Martin

So, did you call the girl's mother yet?

Frank

Nah, we left that for you. After all, you were the guy who solved this thing.

Martin

Ah, well, actually, I can't take all the credit for it, right Frasier? Come on, get over here.

Frasier

Now, now, Dad.

Martin

Nah, come on, don't be shy. I'm proud of ya. You know, I was a cop for thirty years and it took my son with his Ph.D. mind to crack this baby.

Daphne

Of course, I was standing next to him at the time.

Frank

So, tell us about it, Frasier.

Frasier

Oh, no.

Frasier

All right, I hate to toot my own horn, but, if it will make Dad happy. I suppose it was my expertise in human behavior, combined with a lifelong enthusiasm for the Rwandan lowland gorilla that first set me thinking about the monkey.

Frank

I'm not sure I'm following you.

Frasier

Perhaps I'm going too fast, I'll go slower. The key was when I figured out if Brisbane could teach a monkey to impersonate George Washington, then surely he could teach a monkey to cock a revolver, sneak up a fire escape, lie in wait for Helen, pump her full of lead and then make his getaway, perhaps even still wearing the revolutionary war regalia in order to confuse any chance witnesses. In fact, oh and this is way out there, but geez, maybe you should check to see if there were any local bank robberies at the time that were committed by a short, hairy man wearing a powdered wig.

Martin

You think the monkey was the killer?

Daphne

When I said I was standing next to him, I was really most of the way across the room. [She leaves.]

Frasier

Well, wasn't he?

Martin

No, it was Shelby.

Frasier

Who's Shelby?

Martin

He was a vice cop. He was in love with Helen.

Frasier

Oh. Well, that was my second choice.

Frasier

Can I freshen anyone's drink?

Frank

Help me out here, Frasier. What did you think the monkey's motive was? Jealousy? Or maybe he just did it for the insurance money.

Cop

Hey, hey, hey. Do you think we should put a tail on that monkey?

Cop #2

If that monkey did it, he'll swing for this.

Frasier

Yes, yes, that's all very funny.

Martin

Oh, come on, Frasier you can take a joke, can't you?

Frasier

Well, I suppose I can, yes. Oh, wait! I've got one. Who do you suppose the monkey will get to defend him? Clarence Darrow?

Frasier

The Scopes Monkey trial... You know, Darwin's theory of evolution... It was turned into a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, "Inherit the Wind." [giving up, to a cop] Is that gun loaded?