Fool Me Once, Shame On You

Niles

Allow me.

Niles

You're welcome. [hangs up coat and walks over to Frasier] When did everyone become so boorish? [wipes down chair] Honestly, sometimes I think I'm the only person left in the world with any sense of refinement. [sits] Ooh! Ooh! Smell my hands!

Frasier

Thank you, no.

Niles

I'm just so proud. I had to stop for gas, and I pumped it myself! [smells his hands and grimaces] It's part of a new kick I'm on.

Frasier

Which is what?

Niles

I'm learning to be handy. I've decided I depend too much on other people, so I'm doing it myself. [holds out his hand] Ooh, feel that. Tell me that's not the start of a first-rate callus.

Roz

Frasier, you left this in your booth.

Frasier

Oh dear, thank you Roz.

Niles

What is it?

Frasier

Oh, it's a tape Dad asked me to rent for him. It's part of our new Wednesday night ritual. Dad mixes up a pot of his five-alarm chili, we all curl up on the couch and watch an Angie Dickinson movie and I wish I were dead. You should join us.

Niles

No, no. I got my first work shirt this morning and tonight I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.

Frasier

Oh, well, be sure to wear your hernia belt. So, Roz, you gonna join us?

Roz

[pointedly at Niles] No, I think I'll just go sit over here.

Niles

Roz? Are you trying to avoid me?

Roz

Well, can you blame me? I mean, it took you nearly a year just to learn my name and every time we sit together, you have some kind of snide remark to make.

Niles

Name one.

Roz

Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college.

Niles

I was hoping that would be the one you'd name.

Roz

[charging at him] You know, I've got half a mind to...

Frasier

No, no, no! Just hold on now, Roz. You and Niles got off on the wrong foot a long time ago. I think if you two sat down and had a real conversation you'd hit it off famously. Here, you sit, Roz, and I will go and get your coffee.

Niles

[pause] So, how are you?

Roz

Fine. You?

Niles

Great. [pause] I'm handy now. [Roz stares at him] So...that's a nice jacket.

Roz

Thank you.

Niles

Offbeat.

Roz

And what is that supposed to mean, "offbeat"?

Niles

Well...

Roz

No, wait, I think I know exactly what it means. Offbeat as in cheap. Well, excuse me for not being rich enough to shop at the International House of Tight-Ass like you and Maris the heiress! That is what you meant, right?

Niles

Yes... but I had no idea you'd pick up on it!

Roz

Then you were insulting me.

Niles

Yes, but you got in a couple of good shots yourself.

Roz

I did, didn't I? I'm so glad we did this!

Frasier

You know, sometimes I am such a good therapist, I scare myself! [notices] Oh my goodness... where's my briefcase?

Niles

Didn't you put it under your chair?

Frasier

Well, yes I did, but someone must have taken it!

Niles

Frasier, look, there it is!

Frasier

Excuse me.

Man

Excuse me.

Frasier

Is that your briefcase?

Man

Yes, it is.

Frasier

Where did you get it?

Man

Some of the nuns in my parish bought it for me as a gift.

Frasier

Ah, your parish? Then that would make you a priest?

Man

Yes.

Frasier

Well, then, "Father" [grabs the briefcase], perhaps you'd like to explain why you'd be carrying around... [opens the case]...a Bible and some rosary beads?! [slams the case shut]

Man

What exactly are you looking for?

Frasier

An Angie Dickinson movie. I loaned it to the Monsignor. He was supposed to give it to you to give to me. Apparently he forgot. Well, it's a two-day rental anyway, doesn't matter. Off you go. Thank you.

Niles

I'm sorry, Frasier. It looked exactly like yours. They both have the same inferior leather.

Roz

I gave him that briefcase!

Niles

[playfully punching her shoulder] I know!

Frasier

Yes, I would mind holding again! Look, I've already held three times! I'm simply trying to report a few stolen credit cards, but every five seconds...damn it! [He notices Eddie staring] Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!

Martin

So, Niles called. Somebody stole your briefcase, huh?

Frasier

Yes, all right, Dad, go ahead; tell me how stupid I was to get taken advantage of that way. It's certainly better than listening to "Jumping Jack Flash" arranged for piano and flute.

Martin

I don't think it was stupid. These guys are pros. They just need a second and bam, they're out the door.

Frasier

Well, that's rather refreshing. I was expecting you to call me every name from a naive dupe to a...

Martin

Bone-headed rube?

Frasier

But you're not!

Martin

No, I'm not. The important thing is you learned a lesson. You got to keep your guard up. The world would be a happier place if everybody would remember two little words: People stink.

Frasier

I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me! I don't want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I prefer to think of them as basically good and decent. [into phone] Yes, I am here, but you know, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a speech right now, so you'll have to hold! [places phone on hold] Truth is, I enjoy my life that way. If the price I have to pay is to replace a few credit cards from time to time, well then, so be it.

Daphne

This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London. I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced the way to stay out of harm's way was to walk straight with me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But, finally, I decided that was no way to live. So one day, I just lifted up my chin and took it all in. Well, the change was amazing. There were sights I'd never seen, sounds I'd never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand. He needed help. I realized this was no city full of thieves and muggers. There were people here who needed me. I took his note, read it, and to this day, I can remember just what I said to that Man: "That's not how you spell ‘fellatio.’”

Frasier

So... whose point did she prove?

Martin

I have no idea.

Frasier

Well, I can't tell you how much fun it's been chatting with you all today, nasty old Gertrude aside. But, I'd like to close the show with a personal message. This goes out to the person who stole my briefcase yesterday. And, as it turns out, also stole my dry cleaning this morning with the claim ticket that was inside. You need help, and I am here to provide it. Oh, also, the double-breasted navy blue suit was meant to be worn with French cuffs and medium heel wing tips. You may be sick, but there's no reason why you shouldn't be stylish. Until tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Roz

Man, that was a great show! It was better than great - it was brilliant. I can't remember when you were more...

Frasier

What do you want?

Roz

Okay. Remember, I told you my girlfriend was coming to town and I might need Friday off?

Frasier

No.

Roz

No, you don't remember, or no, I can't have Friday off?

Frasier

Take one of each, I'm feeling generous.

Frasier

Hello?

Man

[v.o.] Hi, is this Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Yes, it is.

Man

Oh man, what a thrill! I can't believe I got through!

Frasier

Yes, well, actually, my show is over. You'll have to call in again tomorrow.

Man

That's not why I'm calling. I think I found your briefcase.

Frasier

Oh, really? Really, are you sure?

Man

Pretty sure.

Frasier

Well, there's a way we can be positive. Simply turn over the briefcase and in the upper right-hand corner you should find a half-moon-shaped watermark, such as would be left by the careless resting of a champagne flute.

Man

It's full of your stuff, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Oh. Well, that works as well, yes. Say, listen, is everything still there?

Man

Well, there's a nice gold pen, a set of car keys, a date book...

Frasier

What about my wallet?

Man

Oh, sorry.

Frasier

Well, I suppose that was asking for too much. Well, how can I get it back?

Man

I could drop it off.

Frasier

Oh, better yet, why don't you meet me at the Café Nervosa on Pike and Third. I'd be glad to give you a reward.

Man

Hey, meeting you is reward enough! Half an hour okay?

Frasier

That's perfect. Bye.

Man

Bye.

Roz

Well, that was pretty great.

Frasier

Yes, but not surprising. Haven't I always told you to have faith in people?

Roz

Yes, and you were right. People are basically good.

Frasier

Yes.

Roz

And fair.

Frasier

Indeed.

Roz

We do nice things for people in this world because there's a little thing called karma...

Frasier

There's no way you're getting Friday off.

Niles

Allow me.

Niles

Do you believe that woman? That's the second time that's happened to me this week. I have half a mind to say something.

Frasier

Well, then why don't you?

Niles

Oh, you know. Something happens to me when I talk to a beautiful woman. From the moment they begin staring into my eyes my knees turn to jelly.

Frasier

Still, Niles, we both know the only way to break people off their bad habits is by confronting them.

Niles

Oh, that's true.

Frasier

So? [gestures toward the woman]

Waiter

Who's next here?

Woman

[cutting off Niles] I am! I'll have a cafe...

Niles

Oh, oh, oh, oh! No, you're not! You weren't next here, I am! [turns to face her] I suppose people like you who glide through life wrapped in a cozy little cocoon of narcissism never notice such things. But you'd do well to learn this lesson, sister! [beginning to wobble] There's still such a thing as good manners in this world, and that's why I would like to insist that you let me buy you your coffee and also please try the poppy seed muffins.

Woman

Thank you.

Niles

You're welcome.

Frasier

[sarcastic] Kind of brutal, weren't you?

Niles

All I remember was, I was next and then the sound of blood thundering through my ears.

Frasier

There, there, Niles. Soon you'll be home with Maris and you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman today. [moves toward the window seat] Please, why don't we sit here by the window so we can see him when he comes?

Niles

Oh, your good Samaritan?

Frasier

Yes. You know, I have to tell you Niles, I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing. Granted, I did lose my wallet and my favorite suit. But, still, mostly everything else was intact. My date book, my spare set of car keys, my fountain pen. But, best of all, what has remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.

Niles

Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here, knowing you'd bring your car?

Frasier

Now, now... before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs, my car happens to be...[looks out the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET!!

Frasier

Oh my god! [o.s.] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Martin

Yeah, Charlie, it's my son Frasier's car. So, if you could put a little extra manpower on this, I'd appreciate it. Yeah, I know. I know, fell for that old scam. [Niles exits to the kitchen] I told him you gotta keep your guard up, but you know Frasier, he always knows better - Mr. Up With People. Yeah, remember what we used to call guys like him when I was on the force? [laughs, then] Hey, we're still talking about my son here, Charlie! Yeah, I'll talk to you.

Martin

Hi Frasier, how's it going?

Frasier

Terribly. Guess what happened today?

Martin

What?

Frasier

My car was stolen!

Martin

[pretending] You're kidding!

Frasier

Yes, once again, I fell victim to a master criminal.

Martin

How'd they do it? Hot-wire it? Boy, you know, those guys got fingers like concert pianists.

Frasier

No. He had the key.

Martin

Oh, a real pro, huh? He made a wax impression and then had a duplicate key made?

Frasier

No... It was the same miscreant who stole my briefcase. He used the spare set that was inside.

Martin

What? He tailed you for a few days, learned your routine, so he'd know where to find the car?

Frasier

[sheepishly] Not exactly. He called the station and we agreed to meet.

Martin

What for?

Niles

[entering from the kitchen] Low-fat lattes and biscotti.

Frasier

Oh, what are you, the town crier?! Oh, go ahead and laugh! You know, it still doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.

Martin

Well, sure. He's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shut-ins. [he and Niles laugh again]

Frasier

Yes, well, I'm glad that my misfortune has given you two so much glee! But Dad, I have two requests. First, wipe that father-knows-best smirk off of your face! I am not a child!

Martin

And, what's the second request?

Frasier

Can I borrow your car? I want to go to the movies.

Frasier

And last stop on our tour, my booth. Where all the magic happens.

Roz

Hey Daphne, what are you doing here?

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane needed a lift in, so I decided to come up for a little tour. Oh, don't mind me. Just go on about your business.

Daphne

It's not like... I'm listening. [giggles]

Roz

Have we had one visitor yet who didn't feel the need to do that?

Frasier

Thank you for the ride down, Daphne, but we do have a show to do. So if you...

Daphne

You know, people are always telling me I have a natural talent for this.

Frasier

Yes, yes, of course. Your soothing voice, your calming manner. [walks her to the door] I could listen to you for hours.

Daphne

Oh, wow, do you really think so?

Frasier

Oh, yes. Absolutely. All right, now get out. [shoves her out the door.]

Frasier

Roz, could you get that, please?

Roz

Sure. [in phone] Hello? Who's calling please? Just a second. [to Frasier] It's Denise. She said she was out with you last night.

Frasier

I wasn't out with anyone named Denise last night.

Roz

Ooh... speaker phone, speaker phone!

Frasier

Oh, all right. [places it on speaker phone] Hello. This is Frasier Crane.

Denise

[v.o.] Hey, tiger. I miss you already.

Frasier

I beg your pardon?

Denise

Oh, I'm sorry to call you at work, but you just snuck out of here this morning without giving me your number and I woke up to see your BMW pulling down my driveway.

Frasier

[realizing] You did?

Denise

Mm-hmm. But I'm not mad. How can I be after the best first night I ever spent with a man?

Frasier

Denise, could you just hold on for a moment?

Denise

Sure.

Frasier

Do you realize what this means?

Roz

The guy who stole your stuff told her he was you.

Frasier

And it worked! She slept with him on the first date! Nobody ever sleeps with me on the first date! [takes phone off hold] Hi, it's me again.

Denise

Look, I'm sorry to do this on short notice, but I won't be able to meet you for that drink at Alberto's. The agency called. They booked me for a swimsuit layout.

Denise

Oh, there's my cab. I'll call you tomorrow. Kisses! [hangs up]

Roz

Unbelievable!

Frasier

Yes. Apparently he wasn't content just to steal my possessions. Now he's after my identity as well!

Roz

[picking up phone] I'm calling the police.

Frasier

No, Roz, no! I will handle this myself. I am going down to Alberto's.

Roz

You have a show!

Frasier

Just run something from the "Best of Frasier Crane." This jackal thinks he's meeting Denise down there, but he's going to meet me instead!

Roz

Are you crazy?! He could be dangerous!

Frasier

I don't care, Roz! My god, this man's gone too far. He's after my very soul now! What was it Shakespeare wrote? "He who steals my purse steals trash. But he who steals my good name steals..." Well... oh, I forget the rest, but it makes me good and mad!

Frasier

Excuse me. Have you seen a man in here wearing an impeccably tailored Italian suit?

Heather

Just you.

Frasier

[blushes] Oh, well... thank you. Giorgio Armani.

Heather

Nice to meet you, Giorgio. [they laugh] My name's Heather.

Frasier

Yes, uh, Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure. [gestures to a barstool next to her] Do you mind?

Heather

Wait a minute. Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio?

Frasier

Yes.

Heather

Well, I've heard your show. You're great!

Frasier

Oh, thank you.

Heather

This is exciting! [pauses] Hey, didn't you say on your show the other day that someone had impersonated you at the dry cleaners?

Frasier

Yes, someone did.

Heather

But, how do I know that you're not the impersonator?

Frasier

Oh, good heavens, if you're looking for identification, I... [reaches for his wallet] Uh-oh.

Heather

I thought so. [gets up to leave]

Frasier

Yes, but, he stole my wallet the other day.

Heather

Who did?

Frasier

Frasier did - the bad Frasier.

Heather

You're pretty sick, you know that? Maybe you ought to just get a life!

Frasier

Heather, this is absurd! Can't you recognize my...

Frasier

Nice suit.

Phil

Oh my god, it's you!

Frasier

Oh, no you don't! You're mine now!

Phil

All right. All right, I give up.

Frasier

Damn it! How did you find me?

Frasier

Well, a certain Denise called the station today. She had to cancel your little rendezvous.

Phil

Great. And I put on my best suit.

Frasier

No. You put on my best suit!

Phil

Well, I guess this is it. Party's over. I'm so stupid! [sits at a table] You probably want to call the police, huh?

Frasier

No. What I would like to do is throttle you until your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks! But I won't, because this is still a civilized world. But it won't be for long if you lowlifes have your way, because with every wallet you steal, you put bars on someone else's windows! With every purse you snatch, you put mace on another key chain! Everyday you make our lives a little less livable, and I hope that burns on your conscience! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

Phil

You're right.

Frasier

Oh, oh... I see. I see. You think by agreeing with me, I'll let you off the hook.

Phil

No, I'm saying you're right. I'm not trying to weasel out of this. I'm guilty and I deserve what I get. Look, here's your keys. The car's out front with your briefcase in it. [pulls out a cell phone] Here, go ahead and call the police. That's your new car phone, by the way. I upgraded. I should have known things were gonna turn out like this for me.

Frasier

Oh yes, here it comes - the old sob story. "Daddy didn't love me. Mother ignored me. The bully next door stole my baseball glove."

Phil

No! Dad loved me. Mom spoiled me. And I was the bully next door. [gesturing to the phone] Say, why don't you let me do that, it's kind of tricky.

Frasier

Thank you.

Phil

There's only one person to blame for my problems and that's me. [into phone] Yeah, hi. The number for the Seattle P.D., please. [to Frasier] I take the easy way out of everything, I always have. And you want to know why? I'm lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy! [into phone] Oh, sweetheart, I don't have the energy to look for a pencil. Could you just connect me? Thanks, hon.

Frasier

You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can be attributed to your laziness?

Phil

Hey, it's the truth. I don't like to work, never have. And believe me, it's a lot easier to take something than to get a job. And I'm even a lazy criminal! A briefcase here, a set of car keys there. Maybe a little light shoplifting, but a bank robbery? All that planning and split-second timing? Forget it! And that second-story stuff - the grappling hooks, glass cutters... who does that?! [into phone] Yeah, thank you. [hands phone to Frasier] You're on hold.

Frasier

Story of my week. You know, you seem to be taking this awfully well.

Phil

Well, it's like I said. It was bound to happen.

Frasier

Or perhaps... perhaps you wanted to get caught.

Phil

Huh?

Frasier

Yes, well, think about it. You've been taking greater and greater risks. Isn't that the behavior of a man who wants to get caught?

Phil

I'm telling ya, Doc - lazy! [lifts up his leg] Look at your pants, for god's sake! You'd think I'd take them in to be hemmed, right? Staples!

Frasier

[horrified] Oh, dear god!

Phil

Staples!

Frasier

Well, I still say that you really wanted to get caught. [sits] It's a classic cri de couer.

Phil

Cri de what?

Frasier

Well, it's a ballet, it... it just means that you don't like the life that you're living.

Phil

Well, it's not a great life. Half the time I don't know where my next month's rent is coming from. And I haven't been in a solid relationship in I don't know how long.

Frasier

Then why don't you change?

Phil

Haven't we been over this? [shouting] Gimme an "L", gimme an "A"...

Frasier

As a psychiatrist, I just don't buy that. You're not lazy. What you are is afraid. There are any number of things you could do in a legitimate world. You're just afraid to try one of them and fail at it.

Phil

You really think I can change?

Frasier

Yes. I believe everyone can change because I believe in the basic goodness of people. [into phone] Oh yes, hello. Yes, uh...just a moment, please. [to Phil] Start now. Take responsibility for yourself. [offers the phone to him] For once, don't take the easy way out.

Phil

[into phone] Hello. Yeah, I'd like to report a crime.

Heather

[pointing at Frasier] There he is. He's the man who's been impersonating Frasier Crane.

Officer

All right, let's go.

Frasier

Oh, what are you talking about? I am Frasier Crane!

Officer

Do you have identification?

Frasier

Well, no... no. But it's the truth! [to Phil] Tell them.

Phil

Thank god you got here when you did, officer! I detained him as long as I could!

Frasier

What?!

Officer

[grabbing Frasier's arm] Move it!

Frasier

But he's lying! He's the imposter! Don't you people recognize me?!

Frasier

Oh, for goodness sake! This is madness! I can't believe this is happening! [shouting] People of the world, listen to me! Trust no one, especially THAT lazy bastard!