You Scratch My Book...
Aired 14th February 1995 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by Andy Ackerman
Martin
Ah, I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something.
Frasier
Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.
Martin
[picking up a box] What's this?
Frasier
Oh must be one of those inspirational tapes that Daphne's always listening to. [Daphne comes in from her room.] Oh, my God, 'Here, Have a Rainbow', by Dr. Honey Snow. Daphne, how can you listen to this stuff ? It's absolute dribble.
Daphne
Well, for someone who writes dribble, she's awfully popular.
Frasier
Oh, really, fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault. What do you know, they like it.
Daphne
There's a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier
Yes, well I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
Frasier
Hello, Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Niles
Brace yourselves kids, it's raffle time!
Frasier
Oh, God .
Martin
Not again
Niles
Fraid so. [notices tape] Oh ye gods, who's been plumbing the shallows of Dr. Honey Snow?
Daphne
I have.
Niles
Insightful, isn't she? [Daphne is not amused.] Anyway, tickets are only ten dollars, it all goes to support Maris' little opera group.
Frasier
Dear God, what's the grand prize this year?
Niles
Their lead soprano, Mrs. Fitzgibbons, will come to your home and perform 'The Ride of the Valkyres'. We've sold eight hundred tickets, so the risk is pretty minimal.
Frasier
All right.
Niles
In return, let me offer you a hot stock tip: VectorComp Software. Wendel assures me they can't miss.
Martin
Who's Wendel?
Niles
My new broker. Every stock he's put me onto has paid off. The man is positively clairvoyant.
Daphne
You know, I've got a bit tucked away. Maybe I ought to take a little chance with your Wendel.
Niles
I should warn you, it's not a sure thing.
Daphne
Oh, nothing in life is a sure thing, but Dr. Snow has a little saying: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Frasier
She better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.
Daphne
I'll go in for five hundred. That's a lot for me, but I don't know; I have a little feeling I'm in for a bit of luck. All right, I better get ready. I'm off the the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new best seller.
Martin
Hey, wait a minute. You're going out? What about my whirlpool therepy?
Daphne
Oh, right, I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier
I would sooner attend a ho-down.
Niles
I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.
Martin
What's the big deal?
Frasier
I have my reputation to think of.
Niles
What's the big deal?
Frasier
All right, if it will make you all happy to see me humiliate myself.
Martin
I always get a kick out of it.
Daphne
Thanks ever so.
Frasier
[noticing Eddie rolling around on the floor] Oh, look everyone! Eddie has found his inner puppy!
Frasier
I promise this'll just take a minute.
Roz
Well, I hope so, I barely got an hour for lunch. Oh, God, not another one of those Honey Snow books.
Frasier
[reading the cover] 'Don't Change, You're Perfect'
Roz
Can you believe people go for this junk?
Frasier
It's unbelievable. Here, get her autograph for me, will ya? [Roz gives him a 'What?!' look] She's sitting right behind those people over there. Just go get it signed and then we'll get out of here, go have a nice lunch at Le Cigare Volant.
Roz
Me? Why don't you do it?
Frasier
I have my reputation to think of!
Roz
Oh, what's the big deal? [off his glare] All right.
Woman
Oh, it's wonderful isn't it? I just love what she says about finding a moment each day to stop and give yourself a mental hug.
Frasier
I'm giving myself one now.
Woman
Really?
Frasier
Welll actually it's more of a Heimlich manuever.
Roz
Got it.
Frasier
Good, good. Let's buy it and get out of here.
Roz
Nope, nope, not so fast. She wants to meet you.
Frasier
Roz, I don't want to meet the woman, let's just go.
Roz
Uh, Frasier, do you know what Honey Snow looks like?
Frasier
What difference could that make? The woman stands for everything that I find totally...
Frasier
...enchanting.
Honey
Hello. I'm Dr. Honey Snow.
Frasier
And I'm...wait, don't tell me, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Honey
Well, Dr. Crane let me shake your hand. Oh, what am I saying? Hug.
Frasier
Why not? [They hug.]
Honey
After all, a handshake is just a hug for fraidy cats.
Frasier
No fear here.
Honey
I am one of your biggest fans
Frasier
I've recently become one of yours.
Roz
You know, I think I'll just go get started on my appitizer.
Frasier
Oh, yes, you start without me. All I really want is a little nibble.
Roz
Oh, tell me.
Honey
You know, I really should get back to my signing, but I'd love to talk more. There seems to be such a positive energy betwen us. My publisher is giving me a dinner tonight at seven at Bianchi's. Would you come as my guest?
Frasier
I'd love to
Honey
Well that's great.
Frasier
Well it was nice meeting you Dr. Snow.
Honey
Oh, please, it's Honey. [She goes back to the signing.]
Frasier
It certainly is...
Daphne
Good evening, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Good evening Daphne, Dad. Ooh, watching the sport of kings I see. Which horse did you wager on?
Martin
Gerald's Dream, number eight.
Niles
Goodness, he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.
Niles
Perhaps you should have invested in something more reliable. Like VectorComp Software.
Daphne
Our stock. Did it go up a bit?
Niles
No, it went up a lot. Thanks to a takeover bid, it gained forty percent overnight. Wendel advised selling, so, voila, your original five hundred investment plus two hundred profit. [He gives her a check.]
Daphne
Two hundred? Oh, Dr. Crane, I could kiss you! [She kisses him on the cheek and hugs him tightly. Niles is stunned.]
Martin
Oh, that's a nice little dividend.
Niles
[sitting downon the arm of the couch] I'll say.
Daphne
You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles
Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel reinvest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called rolling it over.
Daphne
Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting.
Frasier
What's all this?
Daphne
Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier
Niles?
Niles
Communications breakdown
Frasier
Good.
Niles
What are you all dressed for. Hot date?
Frasier
As a matter of fact, yes.
Niles
With whom?
Martin
Dr. Honey Snow.
Niles
You're dating Dr. Honey Snow? I thought you considered her a complete ninny. What could you possibly see in this [Martin hold up the dust jacket photo] whoa-hoa mama!
Martin
One hell of a cute shrink, huh? Not a man alive wouldn't let her analyze his dreams.
Frasier
Analyze them? She could star in them.
Niles
Yes, yes, but what on Earth do you say to her when she wants to discuss her work?
Frasier
Well, I just simply skirt the issue.
Niles
Of course. 'Honey I think your books are just - oh look! The waiter's on fire!'
Frasier
You're just jealous. But not half as jealous as you're about to be. I suggest you get a coaster for your lower lip.
Honey
Hi, honey.
Frasier
Hi, Honey. Allow me to make the introductions. Daphne Moon, Honey Snow; Honey Snow, Daphne Moon. She's a big fan of yours.
Both
Hug! [they hug]
Daphne
We've both got sort of unusual names. Daphne Moon, Honey Snow. Come to think of it, if you married my father, you're name would be Honey Moon.
Frasier
My father, Martin Crane.
Honey
Oh, hello. Well it's easy to see where Frasier gets his good looks.
Martin
Ah, get outta here.
Frasier
And, last but not least, my brother Niles.
Honey
Oh, Dr. Niles Crane. I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine. Let's see: 'Gestalt Therepy, Probing the Subconscious'.
Niles
Yes. And I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo: 'Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?'
Frasier
Perhaps we should be going.
Honey
Well, actually, not yet. I have something I want to give you.
Frasier
Oh?
Honey
[handing him a box] It's a manuscript of my upcoming book.
Frasier
Oh. Another one? So soon?
Honey
I hope you like it Frasier. Because if you do, I'd love for you to write the foreword.
Frasier
Me?
Niles
[taking the manuscript] Who better?
Frasier
Well, actually there's so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.
Honey
Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't want to do it.
Frasier
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor.
Daphne
I'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.
Martin
Wow.
Frasier
Well there's no two ways about it, then. I'm writing that foreword.
Honey
Oh, that's great.
Daphne
Just think. By next fall there'll be half a million copies in print with your name right on the cover.
Niles
I've got my Christmas shopping done!
Frasier
Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles
I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier
I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help. OK, here, how's this: Many great volumes have been written about human behavior. And I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them. [off Niles' look] No good, is it?
Niles
No, no but this is: [reading from the manuscript] You don't have to be a star to twinkle. Frasier, I need a hug.
Frasier
Oh, Niles, will you please help me? Honey asked me to write this foreword two weeks ago, she's got a deadline, she's been wondering where it is.
Niles
Time is a concept known only to one of God's creatures man. Just for today, be a sunflower. [points to a paragraph in the manuscript]
Frasier
Oh, give me that! Nies you just don't understand what's at stake here. I've never felt this way about a woman before. I'm out of control, her effect on me, it's, it's. there are no words to describe it, really, it's more like a sound... [makes a growling noise]
Martin
Talkin' about Honey again?
Frasier
Yes.
Niles
Frankly, I find it laughable that you're even considering putting you name on five hundred thousand copies of this piffle. Not even piffle. It's piffle light.
Daphne
Oh, good, you're all here. I want to show off me new coat.
Frasier
Very nice Daphne.
Daphne
Yes, I've been spending like a drunken yuppie. Oh, I'm afraid I went a bit over me budget.
Niles
Well, if it's cash flow you're concerned about, you should know I got a little call from Wendel today.
Martin
What, again? What's that, four times in two weeks?
Niles
Yes, the man's a wizard. Daphne, your profit. [gives her a check]
Daphne
Four hundred dollars? Oh, Dr. Crane! [She kisses him.] And here's one for Wendel. [She kisses his other cheek.]
Niles
Did I mention Wendel has a secratary? [He puckers up.]
Daphne
Oh, you! [Swats him on the stomach.]
Martin
Well, I'd say this calls for a celebration.
Daphne
Tell you what, I'll take you all out for a nice dinner, my treat. I'll just go and put on me new dress and we'll be off. I want you to put on your new shirt with your brown courdroy slacks. [She heads to her room.]
Martin
Hey, if you're payin', I'm gonna wear elastic waist pants and no belt. [He heads to his room.]
Frasier
Well, Niles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel!
Niles
Yes, he's doing wonderful things for me.
Frasier
Yes, I'd say so. I've been so impressed with his winning streak lately that I asked Daphne what her latest pick was, I invested a few hundred myself.
Niles
Really? Well, congratulations.
Frasier
Thank you. But there's just one thing, though, it's very hard to figure out. Allthough I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up. How do you explain that?
Niles
Obviously, one of us is lying, Frasier. What are you up to?
Frasier
Fess up, Niles, this whole stock thing was a lie from the get go.
Niles
No, no, that's not true. The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and I threw in a little extra, and where's the harm in that?
Frasier
Niles, you are giving a woman money to obtain physical affection. We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.
Niles
No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.
Daphne
[coming back out] Well, Dr. Crane, I want you to take this four hundred dollars back and buy whatever Wendel says.
Niles
Consider it done.
Frasier
You know, Niles, I've been thinking maybe I should get on that gravy train myself. Tell Wendel I'm in for ten thousand.
Daphne
Good lord, ten thousand dollars, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
Yes, well just think of the dinner I'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits.
Martin
Well, what the hell, put me down for a couple of hundred. This guy's some kind of genie!
Niles
Yes, he's a real treasure, isn't he? I only hope those chest pains he was complaining about this morning turn out to be indigestion.
Daphne
So, shall we go then? I've decided on Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken. I hear the chicken there is very good.
Martin
Are you comin'?
Niles
Oh, you two run along. I'll take my car. [Daphne and Martin leave.] Well, I hope you're happy.
Frasier
Snap out of it. What you were doing was completely dishonest.
Niles
Said the pot to the kettle!
Frasier
What is that supposed to mean?
Niles
I think you know what it means.
Frasier
Don't be ridicoulous! Our two situations are completely different.
Niles
Oh, really? How so?
Frasier
Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Niles
And so are you!
Frasier
Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth.
Niles
Oh, and the difference would be?
Frasier
Your woman is English!
Niles
Frasier, you've lost this one.
Frasier
I know. I know. Just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.
Niles
I think you know what you have to do.
Frasier
Yes. I have to tell her I can't write the foreword. Oh, Niles, and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, where oh, where will I ever have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinary proud and supple breasts?
Niles
Not to worry brother, that's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
Honey
That was a wonderful dinner, thank you.
Frasier
Yes, well thank you for the fabulous table. I think hugging the maitre d' really clinched it.
Honey
Would you care for a night cap?
Frasier
Sure. [He comes in.]
Honey
You know, you seemed really tense all evening. But I have just the thing. It's a sandlewood candle. The scent is guaranteed to calm you down.
Frasier
You better fire up about ten of those. You know, there's something I'd really like to talk to you about. It's about that foreword I've been trying to write for you.
Honey
Can we not talk about work tonight, Frasier? I've been chained to my desk all day researching an article I'm doing on sexual intimacy. I am up to here with 'The Joy of Sex', 'Karma Sutra', Masters and Johnson...
Frasier
Really?
Honey
I feel like I've been reading recipes all day, only there are no groceries in the house.
Frasier
Well, your bag-boy has arrived. [They kiss.] No, no, no, I really need to discuss this now.
Honey
Oh, you. You are such a workaholic. I only hope you're this tireless about everything.
Frasier
Oh, I don't think you'll have any complaints. [He starts to take his tie off.] No, no, no, I've got to focus on the subject at hand.
Honey
Frasier, tonight I am the subject at hand. [They start to make out and fall to the couch.]
Frasier
No, no, Honey, I can't do it!
Honey
Oh, that's all right, I have a candle for that too.
Frasier
No, no, I, I can't write the foreword.
Honey
Well, why not?
Frasier
Well, I, I just didn't think it was a very good book. I think the world of you and I wish you the greatest success, but I didn't think the book was good enough to put my name on it. I guess I'l be going now.
Honey
I am so attracted to you right now. Most men are so eager to have sex they'll say anything to a woman. How great to meet a man who would risk rejection rather than be dishonest?
Frasier
Well, I, uh...have to be true to my inner voice.
Honey
You know, frankly I thought the book was weak myself. I rushed it to meet a deadline. I am so glad you respected me enough to be honest. I think honesty is the greatest aphrodesiac of all.
Frasier
I hope you feel you can be just as honest to me.
Honey
Oh, I do, I do. Tell me everything. I don't want us to hide anything.
Frasier
I thought your chapter titles were clumsy and jejune. Your turn.
Honey
You use way too much French in everyday conversation. You go.
Frasier
I think that sandlewood stinks.
Honey
Oh, when you talk about wine, I wish I had a gun.
Frasier
I thought your first three books were trite and saccharin. [She freezes.] It's your turn Honey. Honey?
Honey
[pulling away] I am immensely proud of my first three books.
Frasier
As well you should be.
Honey
You thought they were trite?
Frasier
Oh, well, I meant trite in its best sense. As in the phrase 'trite and true'.
Honey
And what about saccharin?
Frasier
I love saccharin. Use it every day.
Honey
Well, I'm glad you like saccharin, darling, because there's no way you're getting any honey. Good night Frasier.
Frasier
Honey, I'm sorry, I really am. Couldn't we try one of your foregiveness excercises?
Honey
Good night, Frasier.
Frasier
Hug?
Honey
You know a poet once said something about the world that I think applies to our relationship: 'It ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.'