The Show Where Sam Shows Up

Frasier

Well, that's our show for today. Don't forget - Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe is up next. [Roz gestures for him to read a promo] Oh, yes. [reading] This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 if you answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your phone rings, don't say hello, say...

Frasier

WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!!! Uh...no, no, no. Say, uh... KACL is, uh... the talk of the town... talk of Seattle, whatever, Bye-bye.

Frasier

Sam, Sam! [they hug] Oh my God! Well, what are you doing in town?

Sam

Uh, well actually I'm here interviewing for a job. The Mariners need a pitching coach and they gave me a call.

Frasier

They did?

Sam

Yeah.

Frasier

I mean, that's great, but... [off Sam's look] well, come on in.

Sam

This is all right? You're off the air?

Frasier

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

Roz

[entering from her booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... [sees Sam] whoa, who is this?

Sam

I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.

Frasier

This is Roz Doyle.

Roz

[to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt? [to Sam] Need anyone to show you around Seattle?

Sam

Well, you know, to tell you the truth I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.

Frasier

Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.

Roz

Well, if you need any company, give me a call. [hands him a card] Here's my number.

Sam

Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.

Frasier

Yes, it glows in the dark.

Roz

So do I.

Frasier

So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?

Sam

Oh, wow. Uh, well, let's see... you know that Rebecca finally married that plumber?

Frasier

Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it? You know, she spends all her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with an ordinary plumber.

Sam

Well, that ordinary plumber struck gold. He's got a patent on some low-flow toilet thing. I mean, he's rich beyond her wildest dreams.

Frasier

Well, heck, I'm happy for her.

Sam

Well, don't be - he dumped her. She's back at the bar.

Frasier

Working at Cheers again?

Sam

No, she's just back at the bar. Hey, you know, here's some good news: Woody and Kelly, they had a baby boy.

Frasier

Oh, that is wonderful! [pauses] Is he...?

Sam

No, he's smart. He's smart.

Frasier

Oh! Well, genetics takes a holiday, huh? [chuckles] So, Sam, you want to continue this over some lunch?

Sam

Yeah, I'd like that.

Frasier

[as they walk out into the hall] So, are Norm and Cliff still holding up the bar?

Sam

Uh, well, Norm is, but Cliff hasn't been in for a while. Evidently, he read this article about flesh-eating bacteria and he hasn't left his mom's house since. But, you know, there's a good side to that, though, 'cause a lot of people who haven't been around for a while are starting to come back to the bar.

Frasier

Oh!

Martin

Hey, Daph, Sam was a major league ballplayer. Put out the good china.

Niles

Oh, yes, and while you're at it don't forget the Limoges spittoon.

Martin

Well, as far as I'm concerned, Sam Malone's the most important person ever to set foot in this apartment.

Daphne

[taking up the plates] I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.

Martin

Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important like sit on a throne or christen ships. [he calls out as he and Daphne enter the kitchen] Hey, Niles, why didn't you bring Maris tonight?

Niles

I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball player? [chuckles] Why don't I just ask her to rub my shoulders?

Frasier

Here we are, Sam.

Sam

Oh, wow, look at this. Man, you got quite a babe magnet here.

Martin

[entering] Oh, Sam Malone! Hey, I'm Marty Crane, I'm one of your biggest fans! [they shake hands] Yeah, I was at the Kingdome the night you gave up four consecutive home runs. I bet you remember that, don't you?

Sam

Well, actually I don't. You see, that was during my drinking phase. Did I hit anybody? Did I hurt them?

Martin

No.

Sam

Oh, hey, then that was a good game!

Martin

Hey, Sam, this is my chair. You want to sit in it?

Sam

Oh... [he starts, then is clearly put off] yeah... well, maybe later.

Martin

I'll keep it warm for you!

Frasier

Oh, Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.

Niles

Pleasure to meet you. [shakes hands]

Sam

Yeah, you too. Wow... man, this is freaky. [to Frasier] He looks just like you did when I met you. What happened, huh?

Frasier

Wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam. [walks over to get a drink]

Sam

[to Niles] This is strange. I gotta tell you, I didn't know he had a brother.

Niles

[glares at Frasier, then] Frasier, I don't mind telling you I'm a little offended that in all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer-nut set, you never once mentioned you had a brother?!

Sam

Well, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something, it's just that when Frasier gets going you kind of have to tune him out.

Niles

That's a good slogan for his radio show - "Dr. Frasier Crane: when he gets going, you have to tune him out."

Martin

Hey, what did he tell you about me, Sam? His father, the old cop?

Sam

Oh, yeah, you I remember. Um, he told me you were dead.

Martin

[turns to Frasier, stunned] Dead?!

Frasier

Well, we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.

Sam

You're a cop? [to Frasier] You told me he was a research scientist.

Frasier

[off Martin's glare] You were dead, what did it matter?

Daphne

Hello.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne... Daphne, this is Sam Malone. Sam, this is Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist

Daphne

[enchanted] Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Martin

Daphne's from England.

Sam

[taking Daphne's hand] Yeah, boy, I've always been a sucker for the English accent. No matter what you say, it always sounds so classy and sophisticated.

Sam

See what I mean? It kills me every time. [Daphne reaches to get a plate off the table] Hey, let me get that for you. A pretty lady like you shouldn't spend her whole evening in the kitchen.

Niles

Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?

Frasier

Of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everyone. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.

Niles

Did he miss a meeting?!

Frasier

Hello? You'd like to speak to Sam? Um... [Sam enters from the kitchen] well, who's calling, please? Sheila?

Frasier

Um... yes, well, he's not here right now, but I'm expecting him soon.

Sam

[whispering] No! Number two!

Frasier

[into phone] Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was mistaken. He WAS here, but, uh, he left. Well, yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you. [hangs up] I'm sorry, Sam, I'm a little out of practice. So, uh, who's Sheila?

Sam

Just the um... woman I'm supposed to marry.

Frasier

Marry? When?

Sam

Uh, oh boy. Um, yesterday.

Frasier

Yesterday?

Sam

Yeah... I don't want to talk about it, Frasier.

Frasier

But Sam...

Sam

Fras, please? Just...

Sam

Oh, wow. Hey, something sure smells yummy here. [leans in close to Daphne] Oh, wait a second, I think it's me.

Martin

Come on, Sam, one more.

Sam

All right, let's see. Uh... 1949, Yankees, initials V.R.

Martin

Vic Raschi.

Sam

Oh, you're great. [to Frasier and Niles] He's amazing. All you have to do is give him the city, the date and the initials and he gets it every time.

Niles

That's very similar to a game Frasier and I play. [to Frasier] I'll go first. 1962, Prague Philharmonic, viola section, initials C.M.

Frasier

Czeslaw Milovicz.

Niles

Wrong, wrong, wrong! No, no, no--I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Milovicz was first viola the year before, but by '62 he'd developed Rosin poisoning and was no longer able to pluck.

Frasier

Damn! That's a trick question!

Martin

Well, I'm off to bed. [Sam helps him up from his chair] Thanks, Sam. The chair's all yours! Come on!

Sam

Oh, yeah... that's very nice.

Martin

'Night, all. [exits]

Daphne

[entering from the kitchen] I'll be turning in, too.

Niles

Pleasant dreams.

Daphne

[chuckling] Well, no problem there. [exits]

Niles

Well, I guess I'd better be getting back to my Maris. If the clock strikes twelve and she hasn't felt my kiss upon her forehead she gets nervous. [puts on his coat] Sam, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

Sam

Yeah, you too. Hey listen... if you want to really put a smile on Maris's face let me tell you what you do.

Niles

Exactly where am I supposed to find whipped cream and a car battery at this hour?

Sam

You got neighbors, dontcha?

Frasier

Well, Sam, now that everybody's gone, there was something I wanted to bring up. I just - what is it, what is it… Oh yes, yes, I remember: what the hell do you mean you were about to get married?!

Sam

[stands] All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six months ago and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday I was standing in this church facing this minister and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" The next thing you know I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running till I got here.

Frasier

So, you're not in Seattle because of the Mariners?

Sam

Believe me, no ballplayer is in Seattle because of the Mariners.

Frasier

All right, all right. Sam, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. [they sit at the dinner table] Now, who is this woman?

Sam

Oh, she's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you want to stick up on a pedestal.

Frasier

You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

Sam

What?

Frasier

Forget it, just...

Sam

Well, how do you think she found me here?

Frasier

Well, it's my guess, Sam, that you left a lot of clues as to where you were because, basically you wanted her to find you. I have a feeling that you actually want to marry this girl.

Sam

Yeah? I don't know...

Frasier

Look, Sam, all that happened was you panicked. It's perfectly natural. The wedding ceremony represents the end of your old life.

Sam

I tell you, man, she's one in a million, you know?

Frasier

You know, for most guys that's just an expression.

Frasier

You know, Sam, I have a feeling that you're finally ready for a commitment like this. I think you ought to get on that phone and call her.

Sam

What would I say to her, though?

Frasier

Well, just tell her you panicked and ran. Tell her the truth. I mean, after all, honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Sam

Hey, thank you. [they hug] You know, it's time I stepped up to the plate and stopped acting like a kid. [picks up the phone]

Frasier

Absolutely. Geez, the only question now is, will she still take you back?

Roz

She actually forgave him?

Frasier

Yes, yes... More than that, she's on her way here in a plane right now. They're going to get married in Hawaii.

Roz

Same old story. Love triumphs over Roz.

Frasier

Oh Roz, don't be a sore loser, will you, please? Look, I invited them here on their way in from the airport.

Niles

I remember my wedding day. Standing at the altar, feeling faint, shaky, sweating. I remember Maris was so distraught thinking I might have cold feet. I'll never forget how relieved she was to learn that it was just a congenital heart murmur that would plague me for the rest of my life.

Sam

Hey, everybody.

Frasier

Oh, Sam! [standing]

Sam

Here she is - the future Mrs. Sam Malone. Sheila, this is Frasier.

Sheila

Hello, Frasier, it's nice to finally meet you.

Frasier

Sheila, likewise. Uh, this is Roz and Niles.

Niles

Congratulations.

Sheila

Thank you.

Sam

You want to sit down? I'll get us some coffee or something.

Sheila

No, actually Sam, it was sort of a long flight. I was hoping maybe to go back to the hotel and freshen up.

Sam

Well, all right, whatever. [to Frasier] Hey, will you join us for dinner about 8:00?

Frasier

Sure. Right... right.

Sam

Great. All right. Uh, well I guess we're off to [suggestively] freshen up a little.

Frasier

Oh, my god.

Roz

Well, she was cute but she's not an, "Oh, my god."

Frasier

No, no, no. Not that "Oh, my god." Oh, my god, I slept with that woman three months ago.

Roz

You slept with her?

Frasier

Yes!

Niles

On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!

Frasier

[glares, then] I was... I was in Boston for a long weekend. [sits] I was feeling a little depressed, so I took solace in the arms of a... a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young woman in a hotel bar.

Niles

And that was she?

Frasier

No, Niles. I told you that for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Of course it was she! Did you see the way she ran out of here the minute she saw me?

Niles

Ah, yes. The trademark of all your bedmates. [pause] Wait a minute. Three months ago? Didn't Sam say they'd been together for six months?

Roz

[putting on makeup] Well, it looks like this horse race is on again.

Frasier

Oh, put the weapon down! [shuts her compact] Stop it, Roz! Have you no scruples whatsoever?

Roz

You're the one who slept with your friend's fiancée!

Frasier

Well, I didn't know that at the time!

Niles

Surely you have to tell Sam about this.

Frasier

Oh, what, and ruin our relationship as well as theirs?! What I've got to do is, actually I've got to speak to her first. Hear her side of this story. I mean, after all, there are hundreds of reasons why people have affairs.

Niles

Roz, you want to get us started? [she shoots him a dirty look]

Frasier

Niles. [puts on his coat] Well, there's got to be some explanation. Maybe they stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks. Maybe Sam cheated on her and she was just doing it to get even with him. Or, who knows? Maybe she just found me completely irresistible.

Roz

Oh yeah, that's it. [chuckles]

Frasier

Oh, all right!

Roz

You struck gold there, Frasier!

Sheila

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Hello, Sheila. Good to see you again. [calling out] Sam, you are one lucky guy!

Sheila

He's out getting our plane tickets.

Frasier

Oh, good. Look, you have some explaining to do, young lady!

Sheila

Okay, okay. Wine?

Frasier

No, thank you.

Sheila

Look... first of all, I know this doesn't excuse what I did, but I had no idea that you were a friend of Sam's. I'm a sexual compulsive. It's how Sam and I met - in group. Look, that night I spent with you - I guess I just kind of fell off the wagon. What I did was terrible. I felt awful afterwards. It ended up being a kind of turning point for me. That's how it is with addiction; before you can get better you have to hit rock bottom.

Frasier

[insulted] Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there for you.

Sheila

Listen, Frasier - I'm human, I made a mistake. Can you understand that?

Frasier

Oh, of course I can understand, Sheila. And I sympathize. [sits with her on the couch] I've had many patients that share your affliction... although, to date you're the only one I've met who can hit the emergency button of an elevator with a stiletto heel.

Sheila

I want you to know that I love Sam and I'm going to do everything I can to make this marriage work.

Frasier

Well, you certainly do seem sincere about this. I think, in all good conscience I can support this marriage, but I want you to know if you start to feel yourself slipping, here's my number. [he hands her his card, which stuns her] No, no, no... so I can help you as a psychiatrist!

Sheila

Oh! Thank you.

Frasier

Oh, and... I think it's probably best if maybe we don't tell Sam about the two of us.

Sheila

Agreed.

Frasier

It's not that I have a guilty conscience or anything.

Sam

I'm back.

Frasier

[leaping from the couch] Yaahh!!

Sam

You all right?

Frasier

Got a little charley horse, Sam.

Sheila

Did you get the tickets, Sam?

Sam

Yeah, I did. They're right here. [sits beside her]

Sheila

I'm so happy. By this time tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Sam Malone. [they kiss]

Sam

Yeah... um, I want to talk to you about that. Um, Frasier said something the other day that really stuck in my mind.

Frasier

Well, that's a first. What did I say?

Sam

You know, that thing about honesty being something... of something... it was pro-honesty.

Frasier

Being the cornerstone of a good relationship?

Sam

Yeah, right. Well, that really stuck in my mind. Uh...to tell you the truth, I haven't really been honest with you, Sheila.

Sheila

What do you mean?

Sam

When we get married I want us to have a clean slate sweetheart, you know? Boy, I hope you can forgive me for this, but a few months ago, I had a slip. Actually, I had two slips but they happened simultaneously so I'm counting it as one.

Frasier

Was this after you were engaged?

Sam

Uh, actually, it was that night. [to Sheila] I'm... I'm so sorry. Listen, it has not happened since and I swear to God it will not happen again.

Sheila

Sam, I forgive you.

Sam

You do?

Sheila

Actually, I'm relieved, because I have something that I need to confess to you. You're not the only one who... slipped.

Frasier

[nervous] You know... I think it's time you guys had a little privacy. [gets his coat]

Sam

No, no. Frasier, you're responsible for getting us this far. Now, we have no secrets. [to Sheila] All right. Who?

Sheila

Well, that's what makes it so tough. It was someone from Cheers.

Frasier

Uh... you know, I just remembered. I parked in a loading zone. I'd better...

Sheila

Sam, I slept with Paul.

Frasier

Paul? Short...

Sam

Bald...

Frasier

Fat...

Sam

Paul?

Sheila

I didn't say he was good. [gets up]

Sam

Well, you know - all right, I understand that. [gets up] You were giving Paul a break or something, you know? And I can forgive that. [to Frasier] This is what this is all about, isn't it - forgiveness?

Frasier

Yes, yes. [on thin ice] Okay, you told one, you told one, that's great, we're all even-steven! Let's go eat.

Sheila

There was someone else...

Frasier

[frantically upbeat] What, are we still on this?! Geez — I mean, there is honesty and there's beating a dead horse!

Sam

It doesn't matter. I don't care. It doesn't matter who it is.

Sheila

Yes, it does matter, Sam. I mean, this one is really embarrassing. I was lonely, I was desperate and I'd just been to the eye doctor and my pupils were dilated...

Frasier

Oh, Sheila, for God's sake! Look, I'll tell him.

Frasier

Sam, what's she's trying to say is...

Sheila

It was Cliff.

Sam

What?

Frasier

I believe she said "Cliff."

Sam

Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no, that's it, wedding's off! [storms off to a bedroom] Cliff - oh, God!

Sheila

Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him.

Frasier

I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!

Sam

Oh, boy. It's gonna be a long flight home.

Frasier

Well, I know it was painful, Sam, but you made the right decision.

Sam

Yeah, I suppose. [then:] Geez... Cliff!

Frasier

You're just using Cliff as the excuse. We both know there were more compelling reasons for you to back out of this thing.

Sam

Hmm... No, it was Cliff.

Frasier

You know, Sam, to put this thing aside once and for all, I...

Sam

Do you realize you're probably the only friend I have who she didn't sleep with? [he eyes Frasier suspiciously]

Frasier

Cliff. [chuckles weakly] That is a tough one to swallow, huh? But, you know the important thing is that you proved to yourself that you're ready for a commitment even if Sheila wasn't the one.

Sam

Yeah... I suppose so.

Frasier

You know, in a way we're both in the same boat.

Sam

Yeah? What do you mean?

Frasier

Well, you know... we've tried, we've failed. But we'll try again. Sam, we're looking for a meaningful relationship.

Sam

Yeah, that's it. That's the word right there - "meaningful."

Frasier

We're gonna find it though, buddy. I tell you.

Sam

You bet we will. [pause] You know, stewardesses usually hang out at that airport bar.

Frasier

That says meaningful to me.