Daphne's Room

Frasier

Dad?

Frasier

Daphne? Anybody home?

Frasier

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain! Too much love drives a man insane! Oh, what a thrill, just what a thrill! Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

Martin

[to Niles:] I still think you're making too big a deal out of this!

Niles

Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.

Martin

Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss which made her glad she was a woman!

Niles

I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae, she'd snap like a twig.

Frasier

Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again?

Niles

Sunday was her fortieth birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.

Frasier

What, no gifts? No party? No nothing?

Niles

Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.

Martin

Oh, why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?

Niles

She gets hives.

Martin

How about candy?

Niles

Hypoglycemic.

Martin

Just get her a dozen roses.

Niles

Allergic.

Frasier

Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk, tell her it was a mistake. We've all noticed she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty. [Martin and Frasier laugh]

Niles

I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend. [gets up and heads for the door] It'll be a costume ball — with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! [brightly] May I presume you're both coming down with colds?

Niles

And so it goes. [exits]

Frasier

Listen dad, you didn't happen to find a book lying around here? The station manager loaned it to me and I promised I'd return it today.

Martin

What's it called?

Frasier

The Life And Times Of Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree. It's a stunningly witty history of the English theatre.

Martin

[sarcastic:] Oh OK, you caught me, I got it hidden under my pillow!

Frasier

Dad, you could at least try to be a little bit helpful, I promised him I'd return it today.

Martin

Well, ask Daphne when she comes in. She was looking for something too put her to sleep last night, that book sounds like it could put her into a coma.

Daphne

Dr. Crane!

Frasier

Daphne.

Daphne

What are you doing in my room?

Frasier

Look, I thought you were out... not that I make a habit of coming in here when you're out! Well, I thought I came in to get my book which I have, see. [laughs nervously] Well, I'll just be going - me and my book. See Frasier go. [exits]

Niles

[into phone:] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane I want to speak to her and don't take no for an answer!

Niles

[firm] Well then Nadia, you tell her that Dr. Crane says... [ducks behind the stereo cabinet and lowers his voice] Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please...

Martin

Maris hung up on you, huh?

Niles

No, now she's got Nadia doing her dirty work. Nadia is Maris's hatchet maid.

Martin

What happened to that Louis the French guy birthday party?

Niles

Disaster there too! Maris reminded me that an entire branch of her family tree were slaughtered by the Huguenots.

Frasier

Well, let's just forget about Maris for the time being, shall we? Sit down and have a nice meal in a convivial atmosphere.

Niles

What is she mad about?

Martin

Beats me!

Daphne

[entering with onions and carrots:] Here's your favorite, Mr. Crane, cream onions. [hands them to Martin] And, Dr. Crane, I've made my special glazed carrots just for you.

Niles

Thank you. [takes them from her]

Daphne

[to Frasier:] You. Carve! [she stabs a knife into the meat]

Martin

Well, we don't know what she's mad at, but we sure as hell know who!

Daphne

If anyone needs me, I'll be eating in my room. [to Frasier:] You know where that is! [exits]

Martin

What did you do?

Frasier

This morning, I went into her bedroom.

Niles

[shocked:] Frasier, how could you?! No matter how irresistible the urge to venture down that hallway... to press your face against that door... [trailing off:] to actually feel the grain of the wood against your cheek... It must be fought! It must be fought-

Frasier

Oh, Niles! I simply went in there to retrieve my book.

Martin

You're not supposed to go in there!

Frasier

[defensive] Oh, what's the big deal?

Martin

Do you ever see her leave her door open? She doesn't like people going in there.

Frasier

She goes into my room all the time, and it doesn't bother me!

Martin

Women are different.

Frasier

Dad, that is sexism talking.

Martin

No, that's thirty-five years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags. You never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse." The husband could say, "honey, I'm being robbed, the guy's holding a gun to my head and I don't have any money," the wife'd say, "bring me my purse."

Niles

Dad, as usual, your simple homespun wisdom has pricked the balloon of Frasier's pomposity.

Martin

[to Frasier:] Now you were wrong, so go on in there and apologize. Go on!

Frasier

Alright! I'll go into Daphne's room and I will apologize to her.

Frasier

Alone, Niles!

Daphne

[nicely:] Yes.

Frasier

Daphne, it's Dr. Crane.

Daphne

[angry:] Yes!

Frasier

Could you open the door, please?

Frasier

I, I behaved very insensitively this morning. And I did need the book but it was wrong of me to go in without your permission.

Frasier

And I'm sorry.

Frasier

It'll never happen again.

Frasier

Ever.

Frasier

I'm being very nice.

Frasier

Well, good night Daphne. [begins to leave]

Daphne

[coming out:] Oh, wait, I'm being much too hard on you! I'm just a little sensitive about my privacy.

Frasier

Oh, there's no need to explain. I promise you, it will never be an issue again!

Daphne

Well, thank you for being so understanding. I suppose my problem goes back to growing up in a household of boys. My brothers were all snoops. They never gave me a moment's peace. Oh, it was a filthy little rite of passage for the Moon boys: when I reached a certain age, they'd sneak into the bathroom and peek at me in the shower.

Frasier

Oh, dear God! All eight of them?

Daphne

Well, except for my brother Billy, the ballroom dancer. He never peeked at me. Though he did peek at my brother Nigel.

Frasier

Coffee, dad?

Martin

Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert!

Martin

Oh geez, the disposal's jammed! [to Niles:] Yeah, stick your hand down there, see what's stuck, will ya?

Niles

Dad, it's me, Niles.

Martin

I can't get my hand in there.

Niles

Oh alright, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off?

Martin

Positive. [reaches toward the switch to demonstrate]

Niles

Ah-ah-ah! Move away from the switch!

Martin

Oh, geez...

Niles

Oh-ho, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell...

Niles

YAAAH!

Martin

Give me a call when the coffee's ready.

Frasier

Yes.

Frasier

Sorry, Niles. [going to pick up the service] Thank God.

Niles

That's enough excitement for one evening, I'm going home to Maris.

Frasier

I thought she wasn't speaking to you.

Niles

She's not, but she grows weary of being frosty to the help.

Niles

Oh, by the way I'm out of cash, I need something to tip your garage attendant.

Frasier

[searches pockets and finds the pill bottle] Oh, great!

Niles

What?

Frasier

These pills!

Niles

I was thinking money but you know him better than I do.

Frasier

No, [hands Niles a dollar bill] Daphne's prescription. When I was in her room earlier, I must have inadvertently... [thinks] knocked them into my pocket.

Niles

That's an interesting phenomenon. I can't walk through a drug store without aspirin and decongestant leaping into my trousers!

Frasier

OK, I was snooping around a little bit. [he reads the label] Oh, dear God! "Take one before bedtime." Oh no, she's sure to miss these tonight.

Daphne

[entering with exercise mat] Oh, you heading off, Dr. Crane?

Niles

Yes, I am.

Daphne

Say hello to your wife.

Niles

I'll certainly try.

Daphne

Mr. Crane, time for your exercises! [leaves to Martin's room]

Frasier

Oh great, this is my chance. I'll just sneak back there and put these back in her room.

Frasier

Alone, Niles!

Martin

[o.s.] The Sonics game's on! I'll do my exercises tomorrow.

Daphne

[o.s.] Fine! If you need me I'll be in my room.

Daphne

You're doing a double set tomorrow!

Martin

[o.s.] Yeah, yeah...

Daphne

Grumpy old sod...

Daphne

[to Eddie:] What are you doing? It's disgusting, you filthy thing.

Daphne

Get out of here right now, get out!

Frasier

Daphne, I'm so sorry!

Niles

Good morning, Frasier!

Niles

Cara mia, uno mezzo latte decaffinato, and a bran muffin. No, no... [kisses her hand] due bran muffins. [to Frasier] Maris and I burned up a lot of energy last night - [gleefully] a LOT of energy! — and I have to replenish my body. [laughs]

Frasier

I assume you and Maris achieved détente.

Niles

Twice!

Frasier

What magic words did you use to melt your little glacier?

Niles

I got home, I sat her down, I stared deeply into her eyes... and I said, "Maris, here are the keys to your new Mercedes."

Frasier

You bought her a Mercedes?

Niles

[happily] Yes — oh, the things that tiny woman can do when she's properly motivated.

Frasier

If you're through marinating in your own testosterone, I have a problem. Remember last night I went back into Daphne's room? Well, she caught me again.

Niles

You're joking!

Frasier

I was just so embarrassed I had to leave this morning before she woke up. I left a little note, trying to explain my actions. Considering the circumstances, I don't think there's any way she can forgive me!

Niles

Oh, come now. It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something.

Niles

You did!

Frasier

But I took no pleasure in it at all! The entire thing was just absolutely mortifying!

Niles

Frasier, I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything. Every sight, every sound — Frasier, unburden yourself before you explode! [he says about to explode himself]

Frasier

No, Niles, no!

Niles

Alright then, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong!

Roz

Hey, guys!

Frasier

Hi, Roz.

Niles

Hello.

Frasier

Good to see you.

Roz

So Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you? [Niles reacts] I can always tell. [looks at Frasier] Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody. [to waitress] Can I have a non- fat cap, please?

Niles

Roz, this was a private conversation, I'm helping my brother with a matter of some delicacy.

Roz

Don't worry, Shower Boy told me all about it.

Frasier

I just don't see that there's any way I can make it up to Daphne.

Niles

Well, nothing says I'm sorry like a in-dash CD player and a passenger side airbag!

Frasier

[to Roz:] Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.

Roz

Woof!

Frasier

[to Niles:] And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!

Niles

Oh, so I'm a coward?

Frasier

Yes!

Niles

Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!

Roz

Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.

Frasier

Oh Roz, don't encourage him, I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts!

Niles

Oh really, and during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?!

Martin

Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm glad to see you. I need some advice. I've got this son who's a total numbnut.

Frasier

Hello, dad. Love your icebreaker!

Martin

You'd better get her to stay, Frasier. She knows my moods, she's knows how to handle me, and I like her.

Frasier

She's talking about quitting?

Martin

Yes, so get in there and apologize!

Frasier

Oh dad, I can't go in there!

Martin

No, of course you can't, because I asked you to go in there. When I said, "don't go in there" what did you do? You went in there. Now I say go in there and you won't! That's what I like about Eddie, he always does what I tell him to. Come on, Eddie.

Frasier

[laughing] He's defying you too, dad!

Frasier

Daphne, Daphne, please, please wait, we've gotta talk. I feel absolutely terrible.

Daphne

[sympathetic] Oh, now, Dr. Crane, your note explained everything, you've got nothing to feel bad about.

Frasier

That puts my mind at ease.

Daphne

[sarcastic] A servant like me doesn't deserve privacy anyway! Matter of fact, why don't we just get it all out in the open?

Daphne

Here's my bank book, some personal letters, oh and my driver's license. As you can see, I'm four pounds heavier now, but it's in a spot that doesn't really show... TO MOST PEOPLE!

Frasier

Oh look, Daphne, I realize how hard it is to live in someone else's home.

Daphne

Yes, it is! But I put up with it, because I happen to love this job. All I ever asked for was one room, a little corner I could call my own. I never minded if I was up to my eyeballs in your precious earth tones and your African knick-knacks, but now I have to put up with you in there, too. And that's one leering love god too many!

Frasier

Oh Daphne, you're absolutely right, you do deserve a place of your own. Listen if you agree to stay, [desperate:] I'll I'll have your room redecorated. Just make it your own. Paint, wallpaper, upholstery, anything you'd like. Just so you feel comfortable.

Daphne

How about an electrified fence and a German police dog?

Frasier

Daphne, I promise, as long as we live under the same roof together, I will never ever set foot in your room again.

Daphne

[pauses] Alright.

Frasier

Thank you.

Daphne

I'll give it another try.

Niles

Hello, all.

Frasier

Ah, Niles!

Daphne

Hello, Dr. Crane. [to Frasier] Goodbye, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Oh, where are you off to?

Daphne

I have some shopping to do. Your brother just offered to pay to have my room re-decorated.

Niles

[slyly:] Oh, really?

Daphne

I'm thinking of doing the whole thing in pinks and yellows.

Frasier

Dear God, she's really determined to keep me out of there.

Niles

So, you're putting things right with Daphne by opening up your checkbook?

Frasier

Oh, I know what you're thinking, and believe me, it's just a gesture.

Niles

Oh, I see. I give Maris a car, it's a bribe. When you re-decorate Daphne's room, it's a gesture.

Frasier

Niles, our two situations are entirely different. You bought Maris off because you are afraid of her.

Niles

Oh I see, and you're not the slightest bit intimidated by Daphne?

Frasier

No.

Niles

Then you wouldn't be at all alarmed if I were to, say, do this. [runs to the hallway]

Frasier

But... Niles! Niles, where are you going?

Niles

Oh look, my foot's in Daphne's room.

Frasier

Just get out of there.

Niles

[pulls his foot back] What's the matter? Are you afraid you'll get... [jumps across the threshold] in trouble?

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

[jumps back out] Now we're safe.

Frasier

Oh, stop it!

Niles

[in] Trouble. [out] Safe. [in] Trouble. [out] Safe.

Frasier

Niles, you're acting like a child!

Niles

[more rapidly] Trouble, safe, trouble, safe, trouble, safe!

Frasier

Oh my God, no! You see what you've done now! She's bound to find out!

Niles

Well, [snooping around] so you'll just write her a bigger, fatter check.

Frasier

No, Niles, she'll quit!

Niles

WHAT?! Why didn't you say something-

Martin

What the hell are you two doing in here?!

Frasier

It's all Niles's fault!

Niles

It is not!

Frasier

Never mind, just help us clean up this mess!

Daphne

[as the hood retracts, happily] Oooooh!

Frasier

Daphne, did you happen to see that sporty little sub-compact over there? I bet you could park that anywhere.

Daphne

Is that a Mercedes dealership across the street?