The Club
Aired 21st March 1995 · Written by Elias Davis & David Pollock · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Well, we've got time for one more call. Roz, who've we got?
Roz
We have Sid in Bremerton on three.
Frasier
Hello, Sid. I'm listening.
Sid
[stiltedly] Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know. I freeze up. It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced, highly competitive world.
Frasier
Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
Sid
Uh... [shuffling papers] Yes, I am. The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything out I wish to say in advance.
Frasier
Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
Sid
Uhhhh... [shuffling papers] Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comment. G-Goodbye. [hangs up]
Frasier
Wait, Sid! Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted in your fear of making a mistake. In order to beat this thing, you're going to have to practice. If you work at it very hard. Then, one day, you too may achieve the command and confidence to which we all aspire to... be having. [confused look] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.
Roz
That was a show good, Frasier.
Frasier
Thank you, Roz.
Niles
Knock, knock!
Frasier
Oh, Niles! What are you doing here?
Niles
Oh, just stopped by to see how you'd like to go to lunch next week at the Empire Club.
Frasier
You know someone who's a member?
Niles
No, but you may.
Frasier
What are you up to? You have that same smug look you had on your face when you found that recording of Kirsten Flagstad's 1932 Gotterdammerung in the discount bin.
Niles
If you think I look smug now, wait till you see me next week. If all goes well, my lapel will be sagging under the weight of a solid gold membership pin.
Roz
Well, you'll certainly fit right in with all those greedy, arrogant bluebloods who wouldn't cross the street to spit on the rest of us.
Niles
Don't jinx it, Roz, I'm not in yet. There's still the cocktail party next week where they screen prospective members, and from what I hear, those can be grueling.
Frasier
So, how did this all come about?
Niles
Oh, really I give the credit to Maris. She spent five years carefully cultivating the right relationships until finally this week, fortune smiled upon us: Old Judge Clement suffered a massive stroke, and, lo! a vacancy opened up.
Frasier
Gives new meaning to the phrase, "a stroke of luck."
Niles
It gets better! There are actually two vacancies, so my chances are double. Edgar Van Cortland has been indicted in that savings and loans scandal. Frasier, I think my time has come.
Frasier
Well, I'm very happy for you.
Niles
That's very generous of you, especially knowing you've always dreamed of a membership yourself. A lesser man would be jealous. [beat] You're not, are you?
Frasier
Not at all.
Niles
Did I mention that they have a planetarium on the third floor?
Frasier
So?!
Niles
I think my work here is done.
Roz
So, Niles is getting into the Empire Club?
Frasier
Well, it would appear so. More power to him. After all, he deserves to have lunch in that private dining room, and read the Wall Street Journal in that fabled mahogany library...
Roz
It's eating you up inside, isn't it?
Frasier
Like a carnivorous bacteria. If he gets into that club I should too!
Roz
[picking up phone and dialing] Well, what if I happen to know someone very high up who could probably get you invited to that cocktail party?
Frasier
Oh Roz, don't toy with me!
Roz
[into phone] Mr. Strickland, please. Just tell him it's Roz.
Frasier
Walter Strickland, Jr?!
Roz
Senior.
Frasier
[gasps] Roz, how did you ever get to know someone so important?
Roz
The less you know the happier you'll be.
Martin
Whew! I think I need more comfortable shoes. My dogs are killing me.
Daphne
Pardon?
Martin
My dogs. My feet. What do you call them in England?
Daphne
Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful names. Except my uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family. He walked on the Queen's pins, he sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.
Frasier
Daphne, are you almost finished with that?
Daphne
Yes I am, Dr. Crane. You'll have the handsomest midriff at the Club tonight.
Frasier
Thank you. I hope my date concurs.
Martin
Who are you taking to this shindig?
Frasier
Dr. Susan Anderson. She's as boring as unbuttered toast, but she's a brilliant physician, and been socially well- connected.
Martin
Isn't Niles a little ticked off at you horning in on his big party?
Frasier
Well, yes, he was, at first. But, then I convinced him that we could be of help to each other. If we work together, we can secure both vacancies.
Martin
Boy, you and Niles — it's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it too. [the doorbell rings] I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house that was one embarrassing garage sale.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Ready to go?
Frasier
No, actually, I'm still waiting on Susan; she's at the hospital.
Martin
Where's Maris?
Niles
Uh, she stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle. Let's go over our strategy. I've prepared a crib sheet on each person on the membership committee. There you are...
Frasier
Hmm... School ties... business affiliations... hobbies... mistresses.
Niles
Oh, oh, oh! Now I've also done some research on our competition, and frankly, I don't think we have to worry. One of them flies coach.
Frasier
We're as good as in!
Niles
Yes, yes...
Frasier
Unless... oh, Niles! I just had the most terrifying thought.
Niles
Hmm?
Frasier
What if some other candidate has gone to the trouble of researching... the skeletons in our own closet?
Niles
Well, that's as bad as it gets.
Frasier
I wouldn't be so sure. I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.
Niles
I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist. Besides, that's pretty minor compared to your suicide attempt.
Frasier
[indignantly] It was not a legitimate attempt. I only stepped out on that ledge to get Lilith's attention.
Niles
[getting up] Oh, you know Frasier, perhaps Maris and I should head on over without you. We can't have the other candidates getting a leg up on us.
Frasier
Oh, that's a good idea, Niles. I'll see you there.
Niles
Alright. Bye, Dad.
Martin
Good luck.
Niles
Thanks.
Frasier
[answering phone] Hello? Oh, Susan, Susan! Oh my goodness, I've been expecting you. Are you in the car? Oh no, you're still at the hospital? Well, of course I understand. Well, you were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place. I'll call you tomorrow. [hangs up] Fat chance.
Martin
Stood you up, huh?
Frasier
This is disastrous!
Martin
Well, just go stag.
Frasier
No, I've RSVP'd for two. I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.
Martin
Wait a minute. What are we worried about? We've got our very own Cinderella right under this roof.
Daphne
Well, that's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves. I've got so much gunk under my nails I look like I've been worming a pig.
Martin
[to Frasier] Trust me, the English accent'll sell it.
Frasier
Oh... oh, yes... oh, it's everything I've ever imagined it would be and more!
Daphne
What's that smell, Dr. Crane?
Frasier
[breathlessly] That's power. Oh, Daphne, listen, call me Frasier. I don't want people to know that you work for me, all right? If they ask, we've been dating for six months.
Daphne
Alright, Frasier. [she laughs] Anything else, Frasier? Now, are we in love, or is this just a physical thing, Frasier? [she grins]
Frasier
Oh, now just stop that!
Frasier
Oh, Niles, Niles! How goes the chase?
Niles
Brilliantly! [he sees Daphne, breathlessly] Daphne!
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Niles
What are you doing here?
Daphne
Oh, Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you, sweetheart? I think I'll go sample some of the hors d'oeuvres. Back in a minute, darling.
Niles
[apoplectic] "Sweetheart?" "Darling?"
Frasier
Listen, my date canceled, Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?
Niles
Well, you are a man. She is a goddess... whose bedroom is, after all, only forty-one steps from your own.
Frasier
On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
Niles
The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidate's wives. Apparently, Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crabmeat into the poor woman's décolletage.
Frasier
Accidents will happen.
Niles
Yes. As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.
Frasier
[gasps] My god! Niles, feel this leather! Oh, I have had pudding stiffer than this!
Niles
Oh, Frasier! [points to a man filling a pipe nearby] Kenneth Spencer!
Frasier
Yes, Niles, I'm sure it was very satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale, but surely you would have been happier to wear the orange and black of Princeton.
Niles
Of course, anyone who's anyone went to Princeton.
Spencer
Excuse me, I'm Kenneth Spencer. I couldn't help but overhear you. As it happens, I went to Princeton.
Frasier/Niles
[seemingly surprised] Oh, no!
Niles
What are the odds?
Frasier
Allow me. [shaking hands] I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles
My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
Daphne
Here, try this caviar, Frasier.
Frasier
Thanks.
Daphne
I'm sorry it took so long, but I met the most charming gentleman, Edgar Van Cortland.
Frasier
Van Cortland? I thought he lost his membership in the S & L scandal.
Spencer
Actually, he was acquitted of all charges and reinstated in the club.
Frasier
Oh, he was innocent?
Spencer
No, just acquitted.
Niles
So does that mean that there's only one membership?
Spencer
Yes - oh, but not to worry. If one of you should be selected, you can always bring the other along as a guest.
Niles
Well, if only one of us can be honored with a membership, I hope it will be you, Frasier.
Spencer
That's a very noble sentiment.
Niles
Well, I know how much it means to him. We can't risk another splashy suicide attempt.
Frasier
That's very amusing, Niles, using humor to defuse a tense situation. I'm sure that stood you in good stead when you were in prison for threatening the president.
Drake
Kenneth? Kenneth!
Spencer
Excuse me.
Daphne
Oh, stop it! Do you intend to stand there running each other down and ruin both your chances?
Frasier
No, no.
Niles
Of course you're right.
Daphne
Thank you.
Wentworth
Cocktails, gentlemen?
Frasier
Oh, yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.
Drake
[sitting in one of the armchairs] There's a discriminating choice.
Niles
Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits - undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid.
Roz
So my mom says, "how come you never bring your boyfriends out to meet me?" And I say, "Mom, the plane trip to Wisconsin takes four hours, and that's longer than most of my relationships last."
Frasier
Oh, there's Niles. No, don't look at him! Pretend we don't even see him.
Roz
Real mature, Frasier.
Frasier
Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."
Roz
Frasier, this is so boring! Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier
Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh, wait - that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Frasier.
Frasier
After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles
I agree... Well?
Frasier
"Well," what?
Niles
It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier
No, you didn't!
Niles
I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier
So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn! [he pauses] I'm sorry.
Niles
Me too!
Frasier
I can't believe we just turned on each other like that.
Niles
It was embarrassing. My only excuse is that all my life, I have dreamed of belonging to an exclusive club like the Empire. Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, there were always two or three who didn't make the cut.
Niles
Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Crane. [to Frasier] It's the club. [into phone] Yes? I see. Well, thank you for considering me. If you'd care to speak to my brother he's right here. [he hands the phone to Frasier:] Be gracious.
Frasier
[dejectedly] Hello? Yes, I see. Thank you very much for calling. Goodbye. [he hangs up and stares at the table]
Niles
Don't let it get you down. We got along fine without them before and we'll get along fine now. [Frasier is silent] We are getting along without them, aren't we?
Frasier
Niles...
Niles
Oh my god... you got in.
Niles
...Congratulations. I'd better go break the news to Maris. [he gets up]
Frasier
Believe me, Niles, your getting passed up like this has drained every drop of joy from this.
Niles
Thank you. You're a good brother.
Frasier
YES!!! I got in, I got in! I got... shout it from the rooftops! Lattes for everyone! This is the proudest day of my life!
Frasier
[puts a hand on Niles's shoulder] Of course, what really matters is family.
Martin
Beg! Come on, boy, we've been working on this, you can do it. Beg?
Martin
Sit! Good boy! [he gives him the meat]
Frasier
Dad, what are you doing?
Martin
I'm teaching Eddie a new trick.
Frasier
With my twenty-six-dollar-a-pound imported prosciutto?
Martin
Aw, wait'll you see it. It's worth it!
Frasier
Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.
Martin
Where you going?
Frasier
[getting his coat] Down to the Empire Club. I've come to a moral decision. I'm going to insist that they give Niles my membership.
Martin
[sitting down in his chair] Wow! That's a hell of a gesture.
Frasier
Yes well, I put myself in Niles' place. After all, he's spent the last fifteen years diligently trying to climb Seattle's social ladder, then I waltz in and within two years I'm known throughout the city. To top it all off, I end up grabbing the prize he's wanted most of all. It just isn't fair.
Martin
You're a good kid, Frasier.
Frasier
Thank you, Dad. [Daphne enters, carrying a laundry basket] I might as well say this while I still can: "If anyone needs me... I'll be at my club."
Daphne
Oh, yes, the club. The club that I helped you get into. Of course, now that you're done with me, I'm just cast aside... [hangs her head] unappreciated, unloved, and forgotten.
Frasier
Yes well, I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.
Daphne
Give me your shirt. I'm not going down without a full load. [Martin takes off his shirt] Have you got anything white?
Martin
Yeah, but you're not getting 'em.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne. Hello, Dad.
Martin
Niles.
Niles
Just passed Frasier in the hall. Where was he off to?
Martin
He went to the Club.
Niles
No wonder he was evasive. I hope you don't mind my stopping by. I just had to get out of the house, and Lord knows I had no place else to go. [he collapses on the couch]
Martin
You know, Niles, you may get into that club yet.
Niles
What are you talking about?
Martin
That's why Frasier went down there: to tell them to give his spot to you.
Niles
[sits up] Dad, is this one of your sick jokes?
Martin
Well, I thought you'd be happy! He's giving up his own membership.
Niles
What exactly did you think I would be happy about?! This is humiliating — my big brother going down there to make them take me?
Martin
Well, his heart's in the right place. You could show a little gratitude.
Niles
Dad, they made their decision. If they didn't take me on my own merits I certainly don't want them to take me out of pity. I don't care if they invite me now, I don't even care if they beg!
Martin
Good boy!
Frasier
Excuse me, is the club president here?
Wentworth
Yes, Dr. Crane. Mr. Drake is over there.
Frasier
Thank you.
Frasier
Excuse me, Mr. Drake?
Drake
Yes?
Frasier
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Drake
[shakes hand with Frasier] Oh yes, of course! The new blood. Please, sit down.
Frasier
Thank you. [does so] Sir, I've come here on a matter of personal business. It's about my brother, Niles. You see, Niles is a sort of... [sinking into chair] Oh... ohhhh! Oh my God! This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom!
Drake
Yes, on family night we bring the babies in and do a blindfold comparison test.
Drake
[stern] That's a joke, Crane.
Frasier
[suddenly laughing] Oh, yes! Yes, indeed, yes. Darned good one too, sir. Yes, as I was saying, although my brother may seem a bit priggish at times, believe me, he's one of the most discriminating people I've ever known. In fact, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a bigger snob in this room, I mean...
Wentworth
Excuse me, sir, I thought you might enjoy a glass of port.
Frasier
[Reading label] 1896?!
Drake
What are you trying to say, Crane?
Frasier
[raises his glass] Glad to be aboard, sir! [then:] No, no, no... No, I came down here to simply say that my brother deserves membership more than I do, and I would like to step down in his favor.
Drake
Are you serious?
Frasier
Yes, yes I am... after all, blood is thicker than port. [sips the port] I stand corrected!
Drake
Let me be candid with you, Crane. We all liked your brother, but some were quite firm about accepting anybody in the entertainment business. I'm afraid "radio psychiatrist" falls into that category.
Frasier
Radio psychiatrist? But Niles...
Frasier
Mr. Drake, there's been a terrible mistake.
Niles
No, Frasier, there hasn't.
Frasier
Niles!
Niles
Dad told me you would be here, trying to get me into your snooty little club. Well, you needn't bother.
Frasier
Niles, you don't understand!
Niles
No, you don't understand! You don't need to be the big brother anymore. I don't need you to fight my battles!
Frasier
But, Niles-!
Niles
No, butt out!
Frasier
Okay...
Niles
[to Mr. Drake] And as for you, you've made it quite clear how you feel about me, so I'd like to share how I feel about you. I'd sooner spend my leisure time in a smelly bus station than spend one moment with you smug, elitist bigwigs, with your clichéd oriental carpets and your overstuffed chairs. [feels chair] My God, it's like a baby's bottom! [then:] You can't reject me, because I reject you! Yes, I'm talking to you, Fuzzy! I prefer to remain Niles Crane, Everyman. [he throws his arm over Wentworth's shoulders] Friend of the average Joe.
Frasier
Niles, they got our names mixed up. I didn't get in, you did.
Niles
What?
Frasier
It was you they wanted all along.
Niles
Really? I'm in? [to Wentworth] Good God, don't just stand there, man, fetch me some port and step lively!
Drake
[to Wentworth] Will you escort these gentlemen out?
Niles
Oh, no, no, no, no... [sits in chair, and begins to rub his cheek on the wing] You can't think that I meant those things that I was saying before.
Wentworth
Excuse me, sir, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave.
Niles
[stands up defiantly] You and who else?
Niles
Ah...
Frasier
Niles, come along. We don't need this club. Let us leave with the dignity with which we came. [exits]
Niles
But-but no... there's, there's been a misunderstanding, I do want to be one of you. Perhaps you could put me on probation...
Niles
I could just come part time, or perhaps afternoons, or just one afternoon - Thursday's a slow day - or you can pick the day, I wouldn't even have to talk to anyone, I could just sit in a chair and not say a word...
Niles
Please, please, please! Oh, let me stay, I belong here!