Someone To Watch Over Me
Aired XXX · Written by Don Siegel · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
Brian, let me assure you. No one is a born scatterbrain! You simply have to develop your powers of concentration. On a trip to the Amazon I was able to observe the hunters of the primitive Shipibo tribe. With nothing more than a crude blowgun they can bring down small monkeys from the forest canopy high above their heads. How? Focus�..
Frasier
�..and mental discipline and that's what we have to work on Brian. Focus on one thing and not allow ourselves to be distracted by a single�..
Frasier
WE'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR A SEABEA!!!
Frasier
Of course we should never become so single-minded that we don't allow ourselves to be spontaneous. We'll be back right after this.
Frasier
Oh Roz. This is wonderful. They like me, they really like me.
Roz
Oh my God I have to lose five pounds in two weeks
Frasier
[taking the bar of chocolate that Roz is eating out of her hands] Well that'll be enough of that! [Frasier goes to open his briefcase and takes out a red rose]
Frasier
Roz. Listen I bought this for you this morning and I was hoping that I wouldn't have to say this was just for being you.
Roz
Oh thanks Frasier. This is so great. You know last year I was so obsessed with winning that I didn't even enjoy being nominated. But this year I don't care if we win or lose. I'm just gonna buy myself a beautiful dress and have my hair done and I'm gonna stretch out in the back of a limo with my date�.
Frasier
�..and wonder why you bothered having your hair done!
Bulldog
Hey Doc. Congratulations! Hey Roz�. [Sees Roz is not too impressed so doesn't grab her]
Frasier
Well I understand congratulations are in order for you as well Bulldog. What is this now? Four nominations? Three wins?
Bulldog
Yeah. I've been a symbol of broadcasting excellence in Seattle since 1991.
Bulldog
See ya Doc.
Roz
Thirty seconds.
Frasier
Thank you Roz. Whom do we have?
Roz
On line one we have a shoplifter from Bainbridge and then line two is your number one fan.
Frasier
Oh Kari.
Roz
Mmm-hmm, for the fourth time this week. Why don't you let me get rid of her? All she ever does is gush and tell you how wonderful you are.
Frasier
And this hurts me how? [Frasier starts the show again]
Frasier
Hello Seattle we're back. Got time for just one more call so Roz — who do we have on the line?
Roz
Oh please!
Frasier
Hello. You're on with Frasier Crane.
Kari
Hi Dr. Crane. It's me Kari. Nervous as usual. Anyway I hope you're not getting sick of me. I just think you're wonderful. Thank you for always talking to me.
Frasier
Well thank you for being so sweet.
Kari
Well thank you for giving such good advice.
Frasier
Well thank you for being�. [Roz knock violently on the glass for Frasier to wrap it up]
Frasier
If that's all?
Kari
That was a beautiful rose you bought this morning.
Frasier
Yes I bought it to give to�[look of confusion on Frasier's face]�.excuse me?
Kari
Don't be surprised. I saw you at the florists. You weren't doing your regular routine.
Frasier
My regular routine?
Kari
Café Nervosa. You go there every morning. Except today. I can tell I'm boring you now. Bye!
Frasier
Well goodbye Kari. Well that's all our time for today Seattle. Goodbye and good listening. [Frasier signs off. Roz comes into the booth]
Roz
That was pretty weird. Now she's following you?
Frasier
I don't think it's so weird. It's hardly following. Maybe she hangs out at Cafe Nervosa too and the florist is right next door.
Roz
Well be careful out there. There's a lot of creeps.
Frasier
Oh Roz I hate that word "creeps". There's a lot of odd people in this business. I never refer to any of them as a "creep". [Bulldog comes into the booth]
Bulldog
Hey Roz will you stop wearing those corduroys? I can't see your pantyline. [Roz looks at Frasier who rolls his eyes]
Frasier
Although some people do send me groping for synonyms.
Frasier
Ah, what are you up to?
Daphne
I just measured your Father for his tuxedo.
Niles
Oh Frasier that reminds me. I'm afraid Maris won't be able to make your SeaBea awards tomorrow night.
Frasier
Well I can hardly be surprised. Any particular reason?
Niles
Yes! And this time it's a good one. She's very upset about her manicurist. The woman's being doing Maris' nails for years now and sadly she was just taken critically ill.
Daphne
Oh dear. How bad is she?
Niles
She'll be fine once she finds another manicurist! Until then she's curtailing all public appearances.
Frasier
Yes, well I'm sorry. It's not like I'm nominated for a SeaBea every year. Oh wait a minute — yes it is!
Niles
Well as some illustrious person once said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity"
Frasier
You just made that up didn't you?
Niles
Yes, but I stand by it.
Daphne
Will you be joining us for dinner tonight Dr. Crane.
Niles
No. Frasier and I are going to the opera. We're seeing "Der fliegende Hollander". [pointing towards Frasier] Oh don't forget — the tickets are in your briefcase. I can hear that first aria already [starts humming the tune]
Martin
Don't Niles. You'll start singing it then I'll start singing it and I won't be able to get it out of my head. [Frasier opens his briefcase and finds a scarf inside]
Frasier
What's this? [reads the label] "Dear Dr. Crane. A little bit of me to wrap around your neck. Your number one fan. Kari"
Daphne
Oh how sweet. Your fan knitted you a scarf.
Frasier
Yes, but when did she find the time to put it in my briefcase. I haven't had it out of my hand all day except when I was in the barber's chair.
Martin
Hell, that didn't give her more than thirty seconds!
Niles
[examining the label] So you're saying this woman followed you into the barber shop then slipped a scarf into your briefcase.
Frasier
Well she's a very devoted fan.
Niles
She has the handwriting of a sociopath.
Frasier
Oh she does not.
Niles
[holding up the label] Big loops
Daphne
That's exactly how Scotland Yard caught "The Butcher of Brighton". He used big loops — a clear sign of anger. And he crossed his t's in a downward stroke indicating aggression. Of course he also kept a demister saucer full of eyelids on his night table. [Daphne leaves the room]
Frasier
Anybody here besides me think we should put a two-way lock on her door?
Martin
Well if you ask me it's probably nothing but there are some weirdo's out there so just keep your eyes open.
Frasier
Dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating
Niles
And the distinction would be?
Frasier
In any case, I do think that her invading my space is inappropriate. I hardly think we should start barricading the door.
Niles
Let's review. She started with calls to the station then moved onto spying on you. Now she's been in your briefcase. It's the classic progression of the predator stalking its prey in ever-narrowing circles, or "loops". That's for you Daphne.
Daphne
[looks up and smiles] Thank you. [The doorbell rings and Frasier goes to answer]
Frasier
Niles, you make me sound like a goat staked out in a clearing. No one is hunting me down. No one is closing in on me. [Frasier opens the door to find a large number of balloons floating outside]
Frasier
Oh. Look. These must be from the station [examines the card] "From your number one fan Kari. Your time has come. You're finally going to get what you deserve."
Niles
The loop tightens!
Frasier
Stop it Niles. She's probably just referring to the fact that it's time I win this award. Try as you will you are not going to turn me into some sort of a nervous wreck. [Frasier goes to bring the balloons inside but accidentally bursts one of them causing him to reel back in surprised fear]
Frasier
It's just not going to happen!
Caller
I don't understand it Doc. I'm a successful guy. I have my own car dealership but still I'm depressed. You've probably heard of me — Madman Martinez.
Frasier
Well what seems to be the source of your depression Madman?
Caller
I guess it's just that business is down. I don't know why. I slashed prices this week. Right now I got an '88 old Cutlass on the lot in rare turquoise metallic, Cordoba roof, leather, factory year�.
Frasier
Madman.
Caller
[voice getting increasingly louder and excited]�..and that's nothing compared to the six brand new Super's I got in. Their prices�.
Frasier
[becoming increasingly annoyed] Maybe�
Caller
�20% discount to all your listeners. People say to me "Madman you're crazy". I say, "HEY, I DEAL IN VOLUME!"
Frasier
[turning the volume down on the line] Fortunately, so do I. Well that's about all the time we have today folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.
Frasier
Roz, what is the matter with you? You're supposed to be screening these calls!
Roz
Just dowse me in gasoline and toss me a match.
Frasier
I was hoping a stern warning would do the trick.
Roz
I'm talking about this. Three hours until the limo picks me up for the SeaBea's and my nose erupts like Krakatoa!
Frasier
It's barely noticeable.
Roz
From where? The Space Shuttle? Vintage Roz or what? I finally lose five pounds and I gain three of it back on my nose!
Frasier
Roz, I'm sure that with enough foundation and some contouring, maybe a little shadowing [realises he is fighting a lost cause] Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Roz
Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?
Frasier
Gee Roz. It's been sort of a tough week for me too, you know? Kari has taken to putting notes in my briefcase. She's even been to my apartment.
Roz
Frasier, you've got to do something. Don't you remember "Leo the Happy Chef"? He had an obsessed fan too. It started out innocently just like yours and she ended up breaking into his house.
Frasier
Yes I understand she bent his whisk and scratched all his Teflon!
Roz
Make fun all you want but she made his life miserable and she didn't quit until he hired himself a bodyguard. Want me to find out who he is?
Frasier
No, no, no. I have a hard time believing that Kari poses a real threat. I mean she doesn't even have the nerve to come up and look at me face to face. Lord knows she's had the opportunity.
Roz
Well suit yourself. If you ask me the woman is acting very weird.
Frasier
Tea good for your nose?
Roz
[sarcastic] No I finally found a bag to match my shoes!
Frasier
Roz, you're dripping all over the console
Frasier
Kari?
Roz
Again? How did she get in your jacket?
Frasier
I have no idea. [reading the card] "I'm very disappointed in you Dr. Crane. You didn't wear the scarf I knitted you even though it was very cold. The last man who disappointed me that way��is in his grave. PS — I'll be at the awards tonight and I'll be looking for you. Your number one fan Kari."
Roz
Oh great. I'm sitting at your table with a bullseye on my nose!
Daphne
Now, now, Dr. Crane you've really got to try to relax.
Frasier
Oh you're right Daphne. After all what do I have to be nervous about? I'm only up for a major award. If I lose I'll be devastated. If I win then a mad woman who's been stalking me will have a clear shot when I accept!
Daphne
Oh don't worry about it so. That's what you hired a bodyguard for.
Martin
I still don't see why. Most likely nothing's gonna happen and even if it does I was a cop for thirty years. This whole thing's a waste of money.
Frasier
Dad, there's a big difference between a policeman and a skilled bodyguard. These people are trained to size up a crowd, plan escape routes, even get shot if necessary.
Martin
Hey I know how to take a bullet.
Frasier
Oh yes that's just what your personality needs — another bullet!
Frasier
That must be him. Who is it please?
Niles
Lizzie Borden. I want you to autograph my hatchet. [Frasier open the door to a smug Niles]
Frasier
That's not very funny.
Niles
Everyone ready to go?
Martin
Nah, we're still waiting for his rent-a-goon.
Frasier
Apparently he's stuck in traffic.
Niles
Perhaps your admirer ran into him first and he's stuffed in some janitor's closet, his purple bloated tongue protruding above his freshly garrotted neck. Is that champagne?
Frasier
Well, you're a fountain of comfort this evening.
Niles
Oh, I'm just teasing. If you must know I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles. All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one?" "Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin
Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.
Frasier
That must be my muscle.
Frasier
Dear God it's a woman. Where's my bodyguard when I need him?
Woman
Hello? It's Cindy Carruthers from The Unified Protection Agency.
Martin
Your bodyguard's name is Cindy? What's the matter — they were all out of Tiffany's?
Frasier
I was expecting someone big and wide like a Dominic, a Rocko, a Ruth even.
Frasier
Hello. So glad to see you.
Cindy
Thank you Dr. Crane but you just made a fatal mistake.
Frasier
Oh my God it is Kari!
Cindy
No. I mean you should have called The Agency and asked for a description before you let me in. [Cindy calls her mobile]
Cindy
Hi Tina. Bring the car around to the service entrance.
Frasier
Tina?
Martin
I guess Candy was busy.
Cindy
First rule for tonight is trust no one you don't know.
Martin
Ooh let me write that down.
Frasier
I suppose you're right. I just start to feel silly when I act paranoid.
Cindy
Don't. Paranoid is good.
Niles
[proudly] I was paranoid.
Cindy
Who are these people?
Frasier
[introducing] This is my brother Dr. Niles Crane, my father Martin and his home care specialist Daphne Moon.
Daphne
Goodness. You've seen quite a bit of mayhem in your day.
Cindy
Excuse me?
Daphne
Well you see I can sense these things. I'm a bit psychic. Wait, I'm getting a flash now. Did you have a grandfather with a steel plate in his head?
Cindy
[looking back at Frasier bemused] This lunatic who's been calling you — any particular accent?
Frasier
No, No.
Cindy
You have a security system in this place?
Daphne
We don't need a security system. We've got Eddie here. [Eddie is lying thoroughly bored on the couch]
Cindy
Hello Eddie. [Eddie gets up and buries his head under the nearest pillow]
Martin
Don't let him fool you. You lay a hand on me you'd have a bite on your butt the size of a tennis ball.
Frasier
And Eddie would go for your ankles!
Daphne
My, look at the time. Shouldn't we be going?
Cindy
You'd better let me secure the elevator. Wait here and don't open the door for anyone. By the way Dr. Crane I'll need to know your blood type, location of the nearest trauma centre and a list of any family members who'd be willing to donate organs.
Niles
Just so you know, Frasier, I have unusually small kidneys.
Daphne
Hello Crane residence��[puts her hand over the mouthpiece]�..I think it's her!
Frasier
Niles — call Cindy. Put it on speaker.
Frasier
Hello.
Kari
Hi. I know you're in a hurry but I just wanted to let you know I'll be wearing a bright red dress tonight.
Frasier
Kari?
Kari
But don't worry. You won't have to find me — I'll find you. [Eddie runs off to the bedrooms]
Kari
Bye.
Frasier
Kari, wait. [Kari hangs up]
Daphne
Oh don't let it bother you so. Come on let's go. Quite frankly I find it hard to imagine — a woman with such a sweet little voice being dangerous?
Martin
Does the name "Squeaky Fromme" mean anything to you?
Cindy
Alright we're seeing a lot of red dresses here so let's go over some ground rules. Don't go anywhere alone. If you have to go to the men's room go with a "buddy" and keep your back to the wall at all times.
Martin
It's gonna take some marksmanship right there.
Cindy
Don't move but I think I see her. Red dress standing by the bar. She's staring at every man who comes in here but she's hiding her face behind a programme.
Frasier
That is my producer Roz. She's harmless. She just has a pimple on her nose. Looks like some kind of biblical plague! [Frasier goes to bring Roz over to the rest of the group and takes the programme off her.] Roz, Roz. Over here. Oh give me that, will you? You look beautiful. Come join us. [Roz comes over but now covers her nose with her hand]
Cindy
Hi, I'm Cindy Carruthers.
Roz
Hi. [looks over to Martin and Daphne still covering her nose] Hi
Daphne/Martin
[both covering their noses] Hi
Frasier
Stop that! Now Roz, listen, you look terrific. You've done a wonderful little job with your problem there. It's practically disappeared.
Bulldog
Whoa Roz. Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Bulldog
And who's this lovely lady?
Cindy
Cindy Carruthers.
Frasier
Careful. She has a concealed weapon.
Bulldog
Makes two of us.
Martin
He's not kidding. She's his bodyguard.
Bulldog
Hey. How'd you like to check out a body worth guarding? [Cindy grabs Bulldog by the neck]
Cindy
If I move my thumb a quarter of an inch I could kill you.
Bulldog
Whoa! I've never been so turned on in my life. OK let me go. [Cindy releases Bulldog who's collapsed onto the floor] So can I call you? [Bulldog runs off while Niles walks in]
Frasier
You know I wish this woman would just make her move. I hate this looking over my shoulder thinking it could be anyone.
Niles
At least you know she's wearing a red dress.
Martin
Maybe.
Niles
What do you mean "maybe"?
Martin
[sarcastic] Well I'm no professional bodyguard, but if I was a loony tune looking to whack a guy, you know maybe I just wouldn't tell the truth about what I was wearing.
Cindy
No offence to your father but I think you should stick to looking for a woman in a red dress.
Daphne
Here we are. Good as new.
Cindy
Well should we all head up to the ballroom.
Frasier
All right.
Roz
[partially blinded by her hair] Help me! [Daphne guides her towards the elevator. Frasier takes Niles aside]
Frasier
Niles, just hear me out on this. Didn't it seem curious to you that Cindy was so quick to dismiss Dad's theory? Cindy who is not wearing a red dress?
Niles
Frasier, you can't think that she's the�
Frasier
Sshhh�.
Niles
Well she couldn't be the�.
Frasier
Sshhh�.
Niles
Well how�.
Frasier
SSHHH. Think about it. She was conveniently out of the apartment at precisely the moment the stalker phoned.
Niles
So she was. And we know she has a cellular phone. That's how she called for the car.
Frasier
What if it is Cindy? Why hasn't she made her move?
Niles
Maybe she's waiting to get you alone.
Cindy
Too many red dresses in there. We'll take our own elevator.
Cindy
Don't be nervous.
Frasier
Oh, I'm not nervous. I'm just a little chilly. It's a cold night.
Cindy
Should have worn a scarf!
Frasier
Yes I suppose I should have. Believe me I meant to. Honest. [grabbing for the elevator button] Where is that elevator?
Cindy
You know I asked for this assignment? Truth is I'm quite a fan of yours. But I guess you figured that out already?
Frasier
Oh my God!
Cindy
What?
Frasier
There!
Cindy
Where?
Frasier
There behind the bar!
Woman
Frasier Crane? I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I'm your number one fan.
Frasier
Roz, Roz, find Cindy!
Woman
Help me please. Get him off me.
Roz
Frasier are you insane? This is Mrs. Littlejohn — the Head of the Nominations Committee.
Niles
Emilia Littlejohn? This is a small world. I know your brother Aubrey!
Frasier
Oh I'm so sorry Mrs. Littlejohn. You see, it's just that, I'm being stalked by this woman named Kari and when you said that you'd been waiting for me I��
Mrs. L
To get an autograph for my niece!
Frasier
Oh, well, who's got a pen?
Roz
Let's hope we win this year because we're not getting nominated next year!
Niles
Roz, are you doing something different with your hair? [Roz clouts Niles across the head. Cindy runs up to Frasier.]
Cindy
What happened? Why did you run away from me?
Frasier
Oh I'll tell you what happened. The paranoia has turned me into a crazy person. First I though you were the stalker. Then I thought she was the stalker [pointing towards Mrs. Littlejohn] You know I've had enough of this. I'm gonna confront this thing face to face.
Frasier
[practically shouting] Everyone! I will be in the lobby.
Martin
Frasier calm down
Frasier
I WILL BE IN THE LOBBY!
Martin
You're Kari aren't you?
Kari
How did you know?
Martin
You made a scarf just like that for Frasier. He's my son.
Kari
I think there's been a big misunderstanding. I'm just a fan. I never meant to frighten him.
Martin
Well what about that note — about the last guy who didn't wear the scarf ended up in his grave?
Kari
That was my husband Walter. He caught pneumonia. I won't bother your son anymore. Could you just tell him what happened?
Martin
I'll be glad to explain and, if I'm lucky, he won't understand and I'll have to explain all over again.
Kari
I'm sure he'll understand. That's the one thing about your son Mr. Crane — he's so smart and level-headed. [Kari walks off.]
Martin
[to himself] What's she been smoking?
Frasier
Well I'm here — you demented harpy. Come and get me.
Frasier
Kari?
Frasier
Alright I know you're down here. Come on out and face me! Not so brave any more, huh? You think you're tough but you're only tough as long as you're hiding in the shadows. You wanna see who's really tough? You just come on out here!
Frasier
When I said "tough" I was speaking clearly in a rhetorical sense.
Frasier
Would�er�any of you happen to have the time�.[Frasier takes off his watch and offers it to the men]�..would any of you like the time?