Breaking The Ice

Frasier

Well, that's it for today. Goodbye, and good listening.

Frasier

Little off our game today, aren't we, Roz? Is something wrong?

Roz

Yes. I told a guy I love him.

Frasier

Somebody you know this time?

Roz

[gives him a look, then] Forget it, Frasier, I know you don't like to hear about my love-life.

Frasier

Oh, Roz, don't be ridiculous. I care about you. If you have a problem, and I can help, I'd love to. Just keep the details on a need-to-know basis.

Roz

OK. We've been dating a couple of weeks, and last night he started licking me behind my ear. See, I have this sweet little spot there...

Frasier

Uh, Roz, is this—?

Roz

Yes, you do need to know this. So anyway, what I meant to say was, "Oh, I love that!" But I got so caught up that I yelled out, "Oh, I love you!" and then all of a sudden he got this look on his face like Indiana Jones running from the big ball!

Frasier

Well, uh, Roz, do you love him?

Roz

No! But I said it, so he should have said it back, it's just polite.

Frasier

There is no more emotionally charged phrase in the language than "I love you." Some people are just incapable of saying it, it makes them too vulnerable. My father, for instance, incapable of saying "I love you," even to me. But I know he does.

Roz

So your father never told you he loves you? God, that explains so much.

Frasier

What is that supposed to mean?!

Roz

Well, maybe if he had, you wouldn't be so emotionally needy that when a close friend asks your advice, you have to steer the conversation back to your own problems. So anyway, now that I told this guy I love him, how do I take it back?

Frasier

[putting on his jacket] Very simple, Roz. Do you remember when I said that I cared about you and I'd like to help?

Roz

Yeah?

Frasier

[picks up his briefcase] I take it back.

Martin

Eddie, get out of there! You'll get a fishhook up your nose!

Daphne

Don't you ever clean that thing out?

Martin

No! It's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, and nobody'll sit next to you.

Frasier

Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check!

Niles

[sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. Smells like a fish died, and all the other fish sent flowers.

Frasier

Yes, it's time for Dad's annual ice-fishing trip to Lake Nomahegan.

Martin

Yep, I'm getting my gear ready. Duke rented a cabin right on the lake, and I'm bringing the bait and the pork rinds. Now, just 'cause your old man's going out of town, I don't want you boys throwing any wild parties.

Frasier

How can we if you're taking all the pork rinds?

Niles

I can't figure it out. [probes a finger in the tackle box] How could a fish be so dumb as to put its mouth around — Ow!

Daphne

Hello? Oh, hello! Yes, he's right here. [to Martin] It's Duke.

Martin

Oh! [takes phone] Hey, Duke! [face falls] Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, sure I understand. Hey, we'll do it next year. Yeah, we've had too many good times up there to let this tradition die. [laughs] Yeah, yeah, I love ya, you big lug! OK, bye.

Daphne

Your trip's been canceled?

Martin

Yeah, Duke's back's out again.

Daphne

Oh, what a shame. You were so looking forward to it.

Martin

Well, I still have the cabin. But I can't go alone...

Frasier

Dad, look, as much as I'd like to do something with you this weekend, I'm afraid ice fishing just isn't it. Oh, look, look, here's an idea! You know what, they're doing a revival of "The Iceman Cometh" playing downtown! Now, you see, we could catch a matinee, and then go out for sushi, and stay well within the same theme music, you know?

Martin

Thanks, anyway.

Daphne

Well, I'd go, but to me the pleasure of fishing has always been waiting for the men to return with their catch. Oh, I can still see my brothers' friends coming back from the lake, their chiseled faces all ruddy and wind-burnt. Ooh, they were so masculine, I just couldn't wait to panfry their kippers!

Niles

I'll go ice fishing, Dad!

Martin

Really, are you sure?

Niles

Unless you don't want me to...

Martin

No, I do! Oh, this'll be great!

Frasier

You, ice-fishing?

Niles

Well, why not? I've always thought of myself as a man of the great al fresco.

Frasier

Niles, you get a runny nose watching figure skating on TV.

Martin

Hey, thanks, Niles.

Niles

It's the very least I can do if it'll help save your trip for you.

Frasier

Yes, well, Niles, that's quite a gesture. But I mean, really, ice-fishing? In an arctic tundra where large men spit and it freezes in their beards?

Niles

After you've seen Maris's interpretive dance group perform "Afternoon of a Faun" in the east garden, the wilderness holds no terror.

Frasier

Morning, Daphne.

Daphne

Good morning! Lovely day, isn't it?

Frasier

Well, you're in a good mood.

Daphne

Yes, well, as much as I love your father, with him gone it's going to be a wonderful weekend... care to make it perfect?

Frasier

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am staying.

Martin

Well, I found the thermos! Be sure to make that coffee extra- strong!

Martin

Oh, hey, how you doing, chief? Yeah, I know you want to go with me, but we're gonna be on the ice, it'll be too cold for you. Yeah, I love ya, you little mutt! Well, I better go make sure I have everything.

Frasier

Did he just say "I love you" to the dog?

Daphne

Oh, that's nothing. I had an aunt who used to say, "good night, Mr. Vanderpump" to a hat rack.

Frasier

Does he say that to Eddie a lot?

Daphne

Well, I try to give them their privacy.

Frasier

I'm sorry, Daphne, I'm just curious. I don't mean to sound maudlin, but, you know I can't remember Dad ever saying that to me.

Daphne

Oh, you know what a crusty old git your dad is.

Frasier

Well, yes, but he says it to Eddie, you know he said it to Duke the other day on the phone...

Daphne

Duke and your father go way back. He's his chum.

Frasier

And I'm not?

Daphne

Well, you know when your dad wants to go fishing, at least Duke will go with him.

Frasier

So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself, doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you?"

Daphne

Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Niles

Call me Ishmael.

Martin

Wow, Niles, look at you! Now are you sure you're gonna be warm enough?

Niles

No problem there. I dressed in layers — Polo, Eddie Bauer, and Timberland.

Frasier

You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.

Niles

Dad, wait'll you see all the stuff I got. I had no idea how much I liked fishing until I realized all the shopping involved. Graphite poles...

Martin

Wow!

Niles

And, [takes out a pair of blue seat cushions] Hot Buns!

Martin

Wow!

Niles

They're heated seat cushions. You microwave them and they stay toasty warm for hours.

Frasier

You know, Dad, maybe I was a little hasty...

Daphne

All right, here we are, some snacks for the trip, or— [sees Niles and laughs] Oh, Dr. Crane, look at you in your new togs!

Martin

Yeah, quite an outfit, huh? The fish'll see him coming!

Daphne

Yes, well, the salesman certainly did!

Frasier

Dad, you know, I feel kind of bad that I turned you down when you invited me...

Martin

Oh, don't worry about it.

Niles

Wait'll you taste this freshly smoked turkey jerky!

Daphne

[to Frasier] For heaven's sakes, you know you want to go, so why don't you just ask him?

Frasier

How can I? I already said I didn't want to.

Martin

[tasting the jerky] Oh, that's delicious!

Niles

No, don't put it back in the bag!

Martin

Hey, Niles, come on, it's getting late.

Niles

Well, yes, guess we'd better hit the road.

Frasier

You know, guys, it's kind of a long trip. Are you sure you're up to the drive?

Martin

Frasier, I'm getting some mixed signals here. You don't want to go with us, do you?

Frasier

Oh, all right! Better than hearing you nag, nag, nag all the time! Fine, I'll go!

Martin

Hey, come on! The ice isn't gonna break, this lake's been frozen solid for three months.

Frasier

Well, I'm-I'm sorry, Dad. It's just that when you said Duke rented a cabin "on the lake," this is not what I had in mind.

Martin

It's a cabin. It's on the lake.

Frasier

Yes — a few degrees warmer, it'll be IN the lake.

Niles

That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature!

Martin

What happened?

Niles

For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors!

Niles

Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "I!" [looks around] Oh Dad, this is great!

Martin

Yeah... well, Frasier doesn't think so.

Frasier

Well, it's not that I'm complaining. It's just that I thought it would be something more... well, lake-adjacent. Are we actually going to sleep in here?

Niles

[laughing] Who is this rube? Maybe we can trick him into touching his tongue to the bait bucket!

Martin

No, we're fishing here, we're sleeping someplace else. Remember where we turned off the highway? Well, right down from there is the Bed 'N Bass Motel.

Frasier

"Bed 'N Bass" — yes, one of the finer fish-themed hotels.

Frasier

So, what do we do? We make a hole in the ice with this little corkscrew-thingy and then just start fishing?

Niles

It's called an "auger."

Frasier

Well, imagine my embarrassment.

Niles

[handing Martin one of two seat cushions] Here's your Hot Buns, Dad.

Martin

Oh, thanks.

Frasier

What am I gonna sit on?

Niles

The auger's free. [off Frasier's look] Oh, all right, come on, come on, here.

Martin

I saw that.

Frasier

I'm not bored. I was simply wondering how long we've been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

Niles

If the fish don't feel peckish just now, we'll pass the time in good conversation. Dad, did you know that Lake Nomahegan was formed by the retreat of several glaciers during the Cenozoic Era?

Frasier

Which, coincidentally, is the last time anyone caught a fish in it.

Martin

How'd you know that, Niles?

Niles

Well, last night I was browsing through "Fielding's Geological History of Western Canada." It's fascinating! For example, did you know this very lake is eighty-nine meters deep and boasts fifty varieties of fish!

Frasier

Oh, Alex, I'll take "Bodies of Water" for five hundred!

Niles

It has lake trout, rainbow trout, wall-eyed pike—

Frasier

How would you like to be sleeping with them?!

Martin

Hey, you know, you could learn a thing or two from your brother about getting into the spirit of things.

Frasier

Well, I'm sorry, it's just that my back hurts, I'm hungry, and I'm tired of sitting here trying to warm up one bun at a time in twenty-degree weather! That's negative six degrees Celsius, a system named after Anders Celsius, the famed Swedish astronomer and compulsive temperature-taker! Niles, switch!

Niles

I believe you're on my side.

Frasier

I am not.

Niles

You've crossed the border!

Frasier

[getting up] Oh my God, I don't even know why I'm here!

Niles

I'm thinking the same thing myself.

Martin

Now, guys, come on!

Niles

If you're having such a terrible time, why don't you just head back to the Bed 'N Bass?

Frasier

Oh fine, that's just what I need, a brisk five-mile hike through sub-freezing temperature.

Niles

Oh, for God's sake, take the car, you can pick us up later.

Frasier

Fine.

Niles

[searching his pocket] Oh, no. There's a hole in my pocket.

Martin

You lost the keys?

Frasier

Oh, no. Where?

Niles

Well, if I knew where, they wouldn't be lost! They could be anywhere between here and the car.

Martin

Well, good luck finding them, it's been snowing all day.

Niles

Great — we're gonna have to stay here all night.

Frasier

This is just dandy! By morning we'll be Stoafer's Frozen Entrées for wolves!

Martin

[points under the bench] Hey, wait a minute, is that them over there?

Niles

Where? [sees them] Oh, oh, oh, thank God! [picks them up]

Frasier

All right, mister, I don't trust you. Give me those right now.

Niles

Fine, Mr. Big Brother!

Niles

Nice catch!

Frasier

Me? You throw like a girl!

Martin

Hey come on, let's not panic. You know, we're gonna be fine staying here all night. You know, the same thing happened to me and Duke about ten years ago.

Niles

You dropped your car keys down the hole?

Martin

No, we're not idiots. The car battery died. But the three of us made it through the night just fine.

Niles

You, Duke, and who?

Martin

My old drinking buddy, Mr. James Beam! You're not the only one who went out and got some fishing supplies.

Frasier

Boy, I never thought I'd end up yearning for the Bed �N Bass. [takes a swig] Niles?

Niles

[taking a sherry glass from his bag] Yes, please!

Frasier

My God, what was that?

Martin

Just the ice cracking underneath us.

Martin

Relax, it happens all the time.

Niles

Well, if we do fall in we'll have ninety seconds until hypothermia sets in.

Frasier

One more fact, you're going in that hole!

Niles

[defiantly] The wall-eyed pike—

Frasier

OK, that's it!

Martin

Stop it! Will you guys stop going after each other already? I know, we got to lighten things up around here. Hey, we're drinking, we need a drinking song!

Frasier

All right, all right. Ooh, I know, there's a wonderful drinking song from "La Traviata" called, uh, "Libiamo Brindisi!"

Niles

No, no, no, no, that's from "Rigoletto."

Frasier

No, it's from "La Traviata!"

Frasier/Niles/Martin

Si, ne scopra, ne scopra, Il nuovo di...

Martin

That was great! What's the second verse?

Niles

I don't know, it's in Italian! [laughter] Another drink, Dad?

Martin

No, no, I'll take a pass on that, I got to go use the facilities. But, I'll be right back, so keep a light on in the window for me!

Frasier

Well, I'm still thirsty, Niles. Here, "Beam" me up.

Frasier

Niles, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? What the hell are you doing here?

Niles

What do you mean?

Frasier

You know, this whole "Sergeant Niles of the Yukon" act. I mean, come on, it can't be all to impress Daphne—

Niles

It's not an act!

Frasier

Niles, in twenty years, I've never heard you comment on fish except to say that the sauce had separated.

Niles

All right. I'll tell you. You promise not to laugh?

Frasier

You'll have to take that hat off.

Niles

Well, two years ago when you took Dad in, I thought I was getting away with something. Watching you two get closer, I started to think maybe I was missing out on something.

Frasier

You want him?

Niles

No, no, let me finish. I just really feel the need to make a connection.

Frasier

Well, Niles, I think you've made a connection. It just seems a little extreme though, you know? You probably could have accomplished the same thing if you'd just taken him to Captain Andy's Surf N' Turf!

Niles

And miss out on all the fun of memorizing 101 useless fish facts and buying a large battery-operated wardrobe? [laughs]

Frasier

So you're having just a bad a time as I am!

Niles

Oh, oh, oh, worse! At least you have the fun of complaining, I have to feign enthusiasm! Oh, oh... [sinks down] I really am King of the Ninnies, aren't I?

Frasier

Oh no. Don't be reaching for that scepter yet, son. Want to know the reason I came up here?

Niles

Hmm.

Frasier

It was just to hear him say the words "I love you."

Niles

What?

Frasier

Yeah, well, you know — he said it to Duke, he said it to Eddie. He's never said it to me.

Niles

Surely you don't put yourself up there with Eddie? [they laugh] Oh, Frasier, you know he loves you!

Frasier

Oh yeah, of course I do. I'm being ridiculous, I know that. I mean, look at the guy! He's content just to sit here freezing his buns off because we're sitting here with him. It's just I guess I just got a little obsessed about, you know, hearing it. Well, I mean, you know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.

Niles

I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.

Frasier

As they laugh the laugh of the damned.

Martin

Hey, I did it! I wrote my name out there! I had to borrow an "N" from Niles, but I did it!

Frasier

We're leaving quite the urological crossword puzzle out there, aren't we?

Martin

What were you guys laughing at?

Frasier

Oh, nothing.

Martin

Oh, come on! Don't leave your old man out.

Frasier

Well... all right, O.K. I was just explaining to Niles the reason why I drove all this way up here was to... I was hoping I'd hear you say the words, "I love you." [laughs]

Martin

Oh, jeez, I leave you for two minutes and you have to start thinking. Isn't it enough that we're just here having a good time?

Niles

Dad...

Martin

You know, every year in this country thousands of guys go fishing, and love never enters into it!

Frasier

Okay, okay, forget about it.

Martin

Thank you. Can we just go on fishing?

Frasier

Sure.

Niles

A fisherman in Oshkosh, Wisconsin stared into one of these holes for twenty years before he caught his first fish.

Frasier

Haven't we been here that long?

Martin

Anyway, just because I didn't say it doesn't mean I don't mean it or feel it.

Frasier

Dad, that's exactly what we were saying.

Niles

Absolutely.

Martin

Yeah, well, my dad never said it, but I know he felt it. I mean, feeling it's the same as saying it, isn't it?

Frasier

Dad, you don't have to say it.

Martin

[upset] Well, did it ever occur to you that... maybe I want to say it? You know, your mother used to get all over me about not saying stuff too. [pause] Well, I can't say it if you're looking at me!

Niles

Would it help you if we left?

Martin

Just for that, I'm doing you second!

Martin

I don't know why it's so hard.

Frasier

Dad, listen, you know you can say it. I mean, I heard you say it to Duke.

Martin

Oh, that's different, I said, "I love ya!" Ya!

Frasier

We'd take "ya."

Niles

Yeah.

Martin

Well, if I'm gonna do it, I'll do it right. [sniff] Frasier...

Martin

Frasier... I love you. Niles... I love you.

Frasier

Thanks, Dad. I love you too.

Niles

And I love you too.

Niles

But I hate ice-fishing!

Martin

Well, it's the last time you'll have to come out and do that.

Niles

Oh, in that case I REALLY love you!

Martin

Well, thanks, Niles.

Niles

Oh, look at that, that's so cute. When you say it to him, he blushes! I love you!

Martin

Oh, no!

Niles

I love you...

Martin

Oh, come on!

Frasier

I love you...

Martin

No, cut that out...

Niles

Come on, give us a kiss!

Martin

Oh, shut up!

Ranger

[knocking on the glass] Excuse me!

Martin

Hey, officer!

Niles

Oh, we're saved!

Ranger

You guys are gonna have to come off the ice for the night.

Martin

Well, we can't, we lost the car keys.

Ranger

Then I'll take you to your motel, and you can call a locksmith in the morning.

Martin

Oh, thanks, officer!

Frasier

That's a wonderful idea, you're quite a sport.

Niles

Yes! Yes! Thank you, we love you!

Niles

Ya! We love ya!

Martin

We've been drinking a little.