An Affair To Forget

Frasier

You're on KACL with Dr. Frasier Crane. We have time for one more call. [pushes button] Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.

Gretchen

[v.o.; German accent] Well, you see, Dr. Crane, my husband is a fencing instructor, and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student. He's with her day and night, and I'm afraid there's some... bumsen going on.

Frasier

Well, is this just a suspicion or do you have any evidence?

Gretchen

No, it's just a feeling.

Frasier

Well, unfortunately, in these matters there's no simple way to know for sure.

Roz

Yes, there is.

Frasier

Well, Gretchen, you're in luck. It just so happens that we have in our studio today one of the world's five leading bumsen experts.

Roz

If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner: one that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear.

Frasier

You know, Roz, when I hear advice like that, it makes me wish there was a law against two or more women gathering at a water cooler. Now, Gretchen—

Gretchen

Does it really work, Roz?

Roz

Oh, trust me. If he chooses the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.

Gretchen

I'm going to do it. Thank you for your help, Roz! Oh, and you, too, Dr. Crane. [hangs up]

Frasier

Don't mention it. Well, "Dr. Crane and Friends" will be back tomorrow. Thanks for listening, Seattle.

Roz

I know, you hate it when I butt into your show.

Frasier

And yet...

Roz

You're gonna forgive me when you find out the wonderful thing I'm doing for you. See, there's this great woman who lives in my building. She's beautiful, and funny—

Frasier

Just stop right there, Roz. I do not go out on blind dates. They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time. No, thank you, no.

Roz

It's not for you, it's for your father.

Frasier

Oh! What time should he pick her up?

Roz

Wait a minute. Blind dates are O.K. for your father, but not for you?

Frasier

Yes! That also goes for games with balls, domestic beer, and giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.

Niles

[reading] "So you want to build a three-masted schooner. Step One: before assembly, take inventory of all parts."

Martin

We don't need to read all these instructions.

Niles

Yes, we do. It says right here in boldface, "Read all instructions."

Martin

Just pass me the right side of the hull, will ya?

Niles

You'll get your hands on that piece at step sixteen and not a moment sooner.

Martin

Can we get started here?

Niles

Oh, all right, Dad. [reading] "So you want to build a three- masted schooner."

Niles

[grabs it away] Give me that! You'll put your eye out.

Daphne

Oh, look at that! What a beautiful ship. I bet you'll have fun building that.

Martin

Not as much fun as we're having reading about it.

Daphne

Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?

Martin

No kidding.

Daphne

Yeah well, from what we could gather, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted-

Niles

So you want to build a two-masted schooner.

Daphne

Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.

Niles

No, no, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.

Daphne

No, no, that's a brigantine.

Niles

Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?

Martin

That's when you just don't give a damn anymore.

Frasier

Hello, all. [everyone ad-libs hellos] Niles, are you going to be spending the evening with us?

Niles

Yes. As much as my Maris misses me, she feels family comes first. When she saw this model, she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with Dad.

Frasier

She wanted you out of the house, huh?

Niles

Like a musty smell.

Frasier

Oh, Dad, I have a proposal for you. Seems there's a woman in Roz's building who would like to go out with you. Roz says that she's got a wonderful personality.

Martin

Oh. I guess that means I'm the pretty one.

Frasier

Just hear me out. She likes sports, she likes beer...

Martin

Yeah, so does Duke.

Frasier

Yes, but Duke won't kiss you good night at the end of the evening.

Martin

He will if he's had a few. Look, tell Roz thanks, but no thanks.

Daphne

Well, I think you're making a mistake. Trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant.

Niles

You know, you're right, Daphne. For weeks, all Maris did for excitement was float in her sensory deprivation tank. But now, she's taken up fencing, and I've never seen her more vital. [Frasier's ears prick up at this.] She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor.

Frasier

Maris has a fencing instructor?

Niles

Yes. Gunnar was the Bavarian champion three years running.

Frasier

He's Bavarian?

Niles

You're full of questions I've already given answers to.

Frasier

Am I?

Niles

He doesn't speak a word of English, so Maris gets to brush up on her German while she parries and thrusts.

Frasier

Maris is learning German, huh? [aside to Frasier] Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.

Niles

Dad, did you take the spanking aft?

Martin

Yeah, I pre-glued it for you.

Niles

Good job.

Daphne

Oh, not to worry. This sort of thing used to happen to my brothers all the time. I can get that off with some nail- polish remover. Come with me.

Niles

So your brothers built a lot of models?

Daphne

No, actually, I suspect they just sniffed a lot of glue.

Niles

You know that can cause brain damage.

Daphne

Well, then, that confirms it.

Frasier

Dad! Dad! I have to talk to you about Niles. I got a call on the show today from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor who she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.

Martin

And?

Frasier

Don't you find that the least bit incriminating?

Martin

No, I find it a coincidence. Seattle's a big city, I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.

Frasier

Yes, but are they wealthy students?

Martin

No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

Frasier

Yes, well, in the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, I suppose there may be a kernel of truth. I guess I could just be letting my imagination run away with me.

Martin

Ah, just trust me, forget it. Come on, help me put this model together.

Frasier

God, I remember how Niles used to love these models. Oh God, remember that Christmas Mom got him the "Visible Man and Woman?" He had to glue all of the internal organs in the right place.

Martin

All I remember is you two fighting over it.

Frasier

Yes, well, Niles was getting on my nerves, so I had to go in and steal his ovaries.

Daphne

Now there's a conversation I'm glad I missed the beginning of!

Frasier

Sorry I'm late, Roz.

Roz

Oh, hey, Frasier. Did you get a chance to ask your dad about the date?

Frasier

Yes. He's not interested.

Roz

Oh, darn it. I already got her hopes up. I don't suppose you'd consider going out with her.

Frasier

I'm sorry. I've had my quota of pity-dates.

Roz

Yes, but this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied.

Roz

Oh, listen, we have a great call to start the show off with. Get this: the guy on line three just found out that his girlfriend is his long-lost sister.

Frasier

Wow!

Roz

Oh yeah, and that German woman called back about her husband's affair.

Frasier

Gretchen!

Roz

Yeah.

Frasier

[through intercom] I want her first!

Roz

Are you kidding? What am I supposed to say to the guy who's dating his sister?

Frasier

Oh, just tell him to hang on and relax, we've all been there!

Frasier

Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL. Let's get right to the phones. Roz?

Roz

We have Gretchen calling back about her husband's affair. She thinks she has more evidence.

Frasier

Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.

Gretchen

[v.o.; crying] Oh, Dr. Crane! I took Roz's advice and gave my husband two choices for dinner, and he picked the diet plate!

Frasier

But that is no proof that he's having an affair!

Gretchen

But Gunnar has a healthy appetite!

Frasier

No, no, the proof is-is phone bills, uh, credit card receipts... Gunnar?

Gretchen

I also found a love letter he wrote to her.

Frasier

And how long were you going to keep that a secret, Gretchen? Come on, work with me here! What does it say?

Gretchen

"Mein kleine leberknodel..."

Frasier

I-I'm sorry, I don't speak German.

Gretchen

It means, "my little liver dumpling." That used to be his pet name for me.

Frasier

Well, maybe he's writing to you.

Gretchen

It can't be me. He says he loves her beautiful little body, as thin as his sword, and her skin as white as bratwurst, and that she's his NichteinmenschlichFrau.

Frasier

What is that?

Gretchen

I don't know if there's a word in English. The closest translation is, "not quite human woman."

Frasier

Oh dear God, it is her!

Gretchen

What should I do?

Frasier

I don't know! I-I need time to think! Let's go to commercial!

Frasier

Hello, we're back. Gretchen, I have considered your problem, and I believe that what you must do is confront your husband, and insist that he end this affair.

Gretchen

But what if he won't?

Frasier

But he has to! Look, innocent people are being hurt! Remind him of how much he means to you, of all your years together. Are there children?

Gretchen

No.

Frasier

Damn! Still, still, it must be a clean break, he must never, ever see this woman again, not even accidentally!

Gretchen

We never had these problems back home.

Frasier

Well, maybe that's where you should return, to the loving bosom of Bavaria.

Gretchen

How did you know we were from Bavaria?

Frasier

Well... you see, I'm a master of dialects. I noticed there was a glottal quality to the occlusion of your diphthongs.

Gretchen

But I'm originally from Austria.

Frasier

Look, do you want to split hairs, or do you want your husband back? Uh, Gretchen, I'm afraid it's time for another commercial.

Roz

Another commercial?

Frasier

Yes, Roz, another commercial!

Roz

What is going on?

Frasier

What makes you think there's something going on?

Roz

Well, when the person giving advice sounds crazier than the person calling in, I think there's something going on.

Frasier

Nothing's going on.

Roz

Wait a minute. You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you?

Frasier

All right, yes! But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a good friend of mine. Oh, how can I tell him, he'll be crushed.

Roz

Well, you don't tell the person being cheated on, you confront the person doing the cheating. Didn't they teach you anything at Harvard?

Frasier

I-I can't do that!

Roz

It's easy, Frasier. You just tell her you know she's been mattress-surfing with some other guy, and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.

Frasier

It's-it's not that easy, you don't know this woman! She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!

Roz

Whoa, it's Maris.

Marta

Missy Crane esta en la caja.

Frasier

"Mrs. Crane is in the box."

Marta

En la caja.

Frasier

Maris? This is Frasier. I am tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous deprivation tank. Now, listen. We've got to talk, we've got to talk about Niles.

Frasier

Will you come out of there! Look, Maris... I know that you're having an affair. But I care for you both, and I want to help you do what's best for your marriage.

Frasier

Oh, will you stop this! Just come out of this box! All right, all right! I'm going to open this door! I'm going to count to three and I don't care if you're naked! [reconsiders] I'm going to count to ten! Oh, the hell with this! All right!

Frasier

Niles... I'm so sorry. Marta, you said Mrs. Crane was in the box!

Marta

[looking] Si, Missy Crane.

Frasier

No, that's MISTER Crane!

Niles

Marta has trouble with her pronouns.

Martin

I'm worried about him. He's always been such a sensitive kid.

Frasier

You're right, Dad, and you know what? Maybe it's wise for us not to let on how worried we are. It'll only add to his anxiety.

Martin

Yeah, you're right. If we coddle him, he'll think this is the end of the world.

Frasier

[cheerful] Hello, Niles!

Martin

[cheerful] Hi, son!

Martin

Frasier, pour him a glass of brandy.

Frasier

Yes, yes, yes. Oh God, you know, I'm all out of brandy. I have a marvelous sherry here, a couple of fine ports... oh, and this lovely new bottle of twelve-year-old unblended scotch. It's a little bit peaty—

Martin

Just pour him a drink! [to Niles] What happened, son?

Niles

Oh, nothing.

Frasier

Nothing? Well, when I left, you were about to storm up to Maris's bedroom and have it out with her.

Niles

I know. And with every step I thought of another question to fire at her, but when I reached her door, I froze. I turned on my heel, walked out of the house, got in the car and just started driving.

Frasier

Well, I'm glad you ended up here. [hands him a glass of Scotch with a lemon wedge]

Niles

Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border check. I had fruit in the car, so I had to turn back. What am I going to do? She's my whole life.

Frasier

You know, Niles, Maris may have temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but in the end I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.

Niles

Oh, Frasier. That's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club. The truth is, women don't want men like us — men of intellect. They want men of action — men like Gunnar.

Frasier

Yes, well, you know this has nothing to do with Gunnar and everything to do with you and Maris. Do you remember the advice you gave me when I was having my problems with Lilith? You said that I should talk to her and find out why she did what she did.

Niles

It's one thing to give advice, it's another to take it.

Martin

Hey, hey, Fras, didn't you and Lilith once write a bunch of articles together about the keys to a successful marriage?

Frasier

Yes, we did.

Martin

Well, maybe it'd help your brother to read 'em right now.

Frasier

Oh. Oh, well, all right. I've only got half of them, though. Lilith got the rest in the divorce settlement.

Martin

Now, listen, now that we've gotten rid of the foghorn, here's the way you're gonna handle this. Now, you remember something like this happened between your mother and I, right?

Niles

Right.

Martin

Right. Well, the way I handled it was I took it up with the other man. I told him if it ever happened again, he'd be the other woman! Now there was a lot more that we had to do to keep our marriage together, but at least that let your mother know how much I cared for her.

Niles

What would you have me do? Grab Gunnar by the scruff of the neck and escort him out of my house?

Martin

Well, why not?

Niles

Well, I've been fantasizing about it! It's just not me, though... although, maybe it should be me! No, no, I've got to speak to Maris eventually... although, if I do it your way, I'm going at it from a position of strength. I'm gonna do it, Dad! Maris has fencing practice tonight, but it's Gunnar who's going to be taught a lesson!

Martin

That's my boy! You're sure you're up to it?

Niles

Yes, I am! [he guns down the rest of his drink] I'm pumped, I'm psyched, and I'm fairly certain I just swallowed an entire twist of lemon!

Frasier

Did I just hear Niles leave?

Martin

Yeah, he went to straighten out that Gunnar guy!

Frasier

My God, Dad, how could you let him go? [grabs his coat] What if this Gunnar guy doesn't want to get straightened out? What if he wants to fight?

Martin

Well, that's all right, it's still better this way! At least he's found his manhood.

Martin

I tell ya, I'd be happy if Niles traded in a couple of teeth for his cojones!

Daphne

I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations!

Niles

There you are! [Gunnar looks up] Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy! No one seduces my wife and gets away with it! You probably thought because of my refined bearing and swimmer's build that I wouldn't put up a fight for the woman I love. But you're dead wrong, because real men have a thing called "honor!" [Gunnar stands up; he's a full head taller than Niles] Yow! You wouldn't know about that, would you?

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

You wouldn't know how decent people behave.

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

You wouldn't know the meaning of the word "rectitude!"

Frasier

Niles, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word "dog," "cat," or "pencil!" He doesn't speak English, remember?!

Gunnar

[to Marta] Wieso ist er so bose?

Marta

Ich weiss nicht.

Niles

Marta! You speak German?

Marta

Que?

Frasier

Uh, habla alleman?

Marta

Si! Yo trabajo para una familia allemana que llego a Guatemala despues a la Guerra.

Frasier

Apparently she worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala... [deep voice] just after the war.

Niles

Well, well, good, good! She can translate for me! Tell her to tell him—

Frasier

Niles, Niles, just wait!

Niles

What?

Frasier

Look at him! God, if he knew you were calling him "strudel boy," he'd be wiping his feet on your face!

Niles

Hang that, Frasier! If there're going to be scuffs, they'll be scuffs of honor. [to Gunnar] How dare you steal my wife! [to Frasier] Translate!

Frasier

Oh, all right. [to Marta] Senor Crane quiere que preguntas a Gunnar, uh, "Como se atrevez a robar mis zapatos!"

Marta

[to Gunnar] Was fallt Dir ein meine Schuhe zu stehlen?

Gunnar

Schweinehund!

Niles

All right, fine, you want to challenge me? [throws off his jacket and grabs the other sword] En garde!

Frasier

Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language! Niles, you can't possibly fight this man!

Niles

Are you forgetting? I've been fencing since prep school!

Frasier

Yes, oh, so what? The man was obviously born with a sword in his hand! He probably performed his own Caesarean!

Niles

Oh my God, he's gonna kill me.

Niles

[pointing] Farvegnugen!

Gunnar

[looking] Farvegnugen?

Gunnar

[apologizing]

Niles

Oh, very nice, very nice, thank you!

Frasier

Niles! Niles! Niles, my God, are you all right?

Gunnar

Entschuldige Dich sofort! Ich habe nicht Deine Schuhe gestohlen!

Niles

[meekly, to Frasier] Is he giving up?

Marta

Piedme perdon! Yo no te robo sus zapatos!

Frasier

He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal... your shoes.

Niles

My shoes?!

Frasier

Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated. [to Marta] Look, he didn't mean, uh... not shoes, wife! No zapatos, esposa!

Marta

[to Gunnar] Nicht Schuhe, Frau!

Gunnar

Frau?

Gunnar

Maris ist unwiderstehlich.

Marta

[to Frasier] No me puede contralar. Maris est irresistible.

Frasier

[to Niles] He couldn't help himself, Maris is irresistible. [to Marta, in Spanish] Irresistible?

Marta

[to Gunnar] Unwiderstehlich?

Gunnar

Ja.

Marta

Si.

Frasier

O-kayy.

Gunnar

Aber sie hat mich abgewiesen.

Marta

Pero me rechazo.

Frasier

Oh, but she refused him.

Niles

Really?

Frasier

Verdad?

Marta

Wirklich?

Niles

Well, what did Maris say?

Frasier

Que decia?

Marta

Was hat sie gesagt?

Gunnar

"Ich liebe Niles."

Marta

"Yo amo Niles."

Frasier

"I love Niles."

Niles

She loves me! [hugs Frasier] Oh, she loves me! [hugs Marta] My marriage is whole!

Niles

Give me five seconds, then tell him he's fired. [running upstairs] Maris!

Frasier

Oh lord, if only I can do something to help Gunnar and Gretchen.

Gunnar

[looking up] Gretchen?

Frasier

Ja, ja, uh... [to Marta] Tell him that his wife loves him very much. Uh, I mean, diga a Gunnar que su esposa le ama mucho.

Marta

Diem Frau [points at Frasier] liebt ihn sehr.

Gunnar

SCHWEINEHUND!

Frasier

No, no, not me! You, you! Marta, damn your pronoun problems!

Frasier

All right, then, you hapless wretch!