Agents In America, Part Three
Aired 2nd May 1995 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Niles
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, Niles!
Niles
[to counter waiter] Double latte, full fat, chocolate shavings.
Frasier
Ah, the self-pity special.
Niles
I've had a hellish week. To top it all off, old Reggie Belknap, the president of our wine club, kicked the bucket. The man's body was not even properly chilled before the club jackals began angling to succeed him. You've never seen such vicious, cutthroat conniving!
Frasier
Who's winning?
Niles
Well, Maris, of course, but just barely. Matthew Pym tried to stage a coup! Fortunately, Maris has photos she took at his wedding — photos that clearly show the label on the champagne he served.
Frasier
Domestic?
Niles
Oh-ho-ho-ho, not just domestic. From... Connecticut.
Niles
Oh dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
Frasier
Who?
Niles
Um, uh... Lady MacBeth without the sincerity?
Frasier
Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Oh, yes. [stands and pulls up another chair] Now, listen Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known. [turns around] Bebe, darling, how are you!
Bebe
My poor wounded baby! I just heard what those misers you work for are trying to do to you! Well, don't you worry, they're not going to get away with it!
Frasier
Well, you must have heard wrong, Bebe. They extended my contract for another year with an eight-percent raise.
Bebe
Eight percent? That would insult even a waiter! [to a passing waiter] Double cappuccino — move it!
Frasier
Well, Bebe, that is what my contract calls for.
Bebe
A slave contract you negotiated two years ago before you even had an agent! They took advantage of your inexperience.
Frasier
I thought it was a very generous offer.
Bebe
Oh please, do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers every day from other stations, offering the moon for you!
Frasier
Good lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe
Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast... I'd be done.
Niles
Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe
Niles, thank God you're here! Back me up, give him some sound brotherly advice.
Niles
She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.
Frasier
Listen Bebe, I realize that the station is making a handsome profit on my show, but what can I do? I do have a contract.
Bebe
No, darling, what you have is a... fever.
Frasier
What?
Bebe
Ooh, you're like a furnace!
Frasier
Well, you know, I-I think I see where you're going with this, Bebe, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Bebe
Well, how do you feel about being one of the lowest paid personalities at the station?
Frasier
Who makes more?
Bebe
Who doesn't? Nanette from "Pet Chat," The Happy Chef — oh, for heaven's sakes, Father Mike could buy and sell you!
Frasier
Father Mike? He took a vow of poverty!
Bebe
Well, now he's taking a cruise.
Bebe
Oh, that big strapping chest of yours is all congested. You just say the word, and I'll tell the station you have some coughing up to do... and so do they.
Frasier
Bebe, this fever of mine... how much higher do you think it might go?
Bebe
I'm guessing... thirty to forty percent above where it is now.
Niles
Forty percent?
Frasier
Well, what can I say but, uh... Ah-choo!
Frasier
No, thank you.
Man
Child, you wanted me to make you pregnant!
Woman
I was in a coma, you might have waited.
Frasier
My God, let's see, they've got Sky, Zena, and Slate.
Daphne
I don't think someone called Frasier should be pointing any fingers.
Frasier
Is this how you spend your days when I'm not at home?
Daphne
Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what they're saying.
Frasier
Oh, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue. "Oh, Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you? He loves Placenta!"
Martin
My favorite are the villains. They have one guy on here who kicked his grandmother down the stairs, embezzled money from a children's hospital, and poisoned a puppy.
Martin
Give him credit, though, he did show up for work every day.
Frasier
Oh dear, Dad, if you're going to be so devilishly subtle, how will I ever get your point?
Martin
All right, well, call me old-fashioned. I think that when you sign a contract, you stick to it. A man's only as good as his word.
Frasier
Yes, well, my words have doubled the station's ad revenues All they've shown me for thanks is a measly eight-percent raise!
Martin
Oh, so what? In thirty years on the police force, you think I ever went to the sergeant and said, "Hey, I'm shooting way more bad guys than I thought I would, how about a bonus?"
Frasier
Dad, you don't understand, this is show business—
Daphne
I'll get it.
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne. [to Martin] You see, we do things differently. Negotiations are like a, are like a dance. They expect me to fight my contract. They know I'm not sick. I know they know I'm not sick. They know I know they know I'm not sick. It's all part of the negotiations mambo.
Daphne
Hello, Roz.
Roz
Hi, Daphne.
Martin
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hey, Martin.
Frasier
Roz, how goes things at the front?
Roz
Well, for starters, they've painted over your name on your parking space.
Frasier
Perfect!
Daphne
What?
Frasier
No, Bebe told me they might do that. It's part of a negotiation tactic, it shows that they're getting nervous.
Roz
Well, they must be really jittery then, because they took your picture out of the lobby.
Frasier
Roz, Roz, they're just trying to scare me.
Martin
[getting up] And he knows they're trying to scare him, and they know that he knows they're trying to scare him, he knows that they know that he knows—
Frasier
Thank you, Dad! [to Roz] They're just bluffing, it's like a card game.
Martin
Like a card game, it's like a dance — the whole thing sounds like a weekend in Vegas.
Roz
You know, I would have thought they'd play games too, Frasier. But they started auditioning people to replace you.
Frasier
They're interviewing people?
Roz
All day. And they're really hot on this woman who has some gardening show. She calls herself "Ma Nature." I can't work for her, Frasier, you should see her nails.
Frasier
Well, there's no need to panic, Roz. I'm sure it's all part of the dance.
Mike
Hi, Dr. Crane. The station sent me over with your stuff. Sorry.
Frasier
Oh my God, they've cleaned out my cubicle? Listen, Mike, you're up on all the gossip — I mean, they're just bluffing, right?
Mike
I hope not. My audition went really well.
Bebe
Nurse Bebe reporting for duty! Blossoms for my little shut- in! [drops them on top of the box in Daphne's arm] Put these in something.
Frasier
Oh, Bebe, Bebe, have you heard what's going on? They've cleaned out my cubicle, they're auditioning other people—
Bebe
Marvelous! They're resorting to cheap scare tactics! Looks like I was right to bring this along. [takes a bottle of champagne from her purse and holds it out to Daphne] Chill that.
Bebe
Darling, you're looking a little pale. Don't tell me these amateur theatrics are actually worrying you?
Frasier
Well, no, no, but the stress of not worrying is starting to get to me. I don't know if I can take much more of this!
Bebe
Oh darling, if that's the way you feel, then fine! Let's get this over with!
Roz
Oh Frasier, it's for the best. Really, trust me on this one.
Bebe
[into phone] Tom Duran, please. Bebe Glaser calling. [winks at Frasier] Tom? Bebe's bored! [Frasier's eyes bulge] You've huffed, and you've puffed, but our house is still standing! We're giving you a midnight deadline! Either call us here at Frasier's and tell us you'll renegotiate, or we'll walk! Love ya.
Bebe
There. That should make them sweat, don't you think?
Frasier
[wiping his own brow] It might!
Bebe
Well, it's all over but the waiting. Canasta, anyone? [takes a pack of cards from her purse and hands them to Daphne] Shuffle these.
Frasier
Eleven forty-five. Oh, God. It's over. They've made the decision, it's over. Well, it was a fun run while it lasted, eh, Seattle? [opens the balcony door] This is Dr. Frasier Crane! And I was listening!
Daphne
Here we are! One cup of tea — half Darjeeling, half Chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener — oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything else?
Bebe
No. You run along, I'm fine.
Daphne
You're sure now? Because I could wait until you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
Bebe
You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you? [bites the tea biscuit] This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne
Yes, and it'll remove tartar, and give you a nice, shiny coat.
Martin
Well, I think I'm gonna hit the hay too.
Bebe
That's awfully risky of you, isn't it? Leaving us kids out here un-chaperoned?
Martin
Better him than me.
Bebe
Why are you so tense? This is the best part! What could be more fun than this?
Frasier
Oh, watching a loved one be autopsied?
Bebe
Think of them sweating in their offices — chain-smoking, biting their nails, their ulcers churning out enough acid to burn a hole in a ship's hull! [orgasmic] Ooh, God! And to think I nearly went into nursing.
Frasier
Oh, you're right, Bebe, you're right! My God, if they're foolish enough to let me go, well then, fine! There are any number of other stations that would love to have Frasier Crane on board!
Bebe
Exactly!
Frasier
Yes. But you know, in fact, I think it's time maybe we discussed those other offers, consider what our fallback position should be.
Bebe
Ooh, someone's out of Scotch!
Frasier
Bebe... tell me there are other offers.
Bebe
Scads!
Frasier
Now you look me in the eye and tell me the truth!
Bebe
[looks him in the eye] There are no other offers. Straight up, or on the rocks?
Frasier
[breaking down] Oh my God!
Bebe
Darling, you can't make a deal without bluffing a little!
Frasier
You're supposed to bluff them, not me! My God, woman, are you trying to ruin me?!
Bebe
You are such a worrywart!
Frasier
Now don't you patronize me, you sweet-talking succubus! You get on the phone and call them!
Bebe
Ooh my God, Hands of Hercules! What must your legs be like?
Frasier
Answer it.
Bebe
Not yet. [rings a second time] Where are we? Have we gone out? [rings a third time] Is it too late?
Frasier
ANSWER IT!
Bebe
[picks up] Crane residence, Bebe Glaser speaking. [whispers] It's them. [into phone] I see. I see. Fine.
Frasier
Well?
Bebe
Renegotiations tomorrow, starting from scratch!
Frasier
Oh! Oh, dear God! Oh, we did it! Oh my God, I'm so pleased. Thank you, Bebe.
Bebe
Maybe next time you'll trust little Bebe.
Frasier
Yes, oh, I'm so sorry, you're right, I underestimated you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that horrible outburst and for grabbing you the way I did.
Bebe
Don't be. I was impressed. It was manly in a... hysterical sort of way.
Bebe
Cheers.
Frasier
Champagne, on top of scotch? Oh, what the hell.
Bebe
To a beautiful partnership.
Frasier
No, no — to a remarkable agent. [they clink glasses and sip] What Bebe wants, Bebe gets. When will I ever learn that?
Bebe
Soon enough, dear.
Bebe
Soon enough.
Martin
Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive. You're not gonna get your own room after all.
Frasier
Oh God...
Martin
How're you feeling?
Frasier
How do I look?
Martin
Last time I saw a guy who looked like you, he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.
Daphne
Good morning! [sees the bottles] My goodness! Christened a few ships last night, I see.
Frasier
The station agreed to renegotiate.
Martin
Oh, all right!
Daphne
Oh, marvelous!
Frasier
Yes, they called around five to midnight... and Bebe and I had some champagne to celebrate, and then... and then... Oh, God.
Bebe
Morning, Doctor.
Frasier
[in a small, frightened voice] Somebody hold me.
Bebe
I hope you don't mind, but I didn't see a robe, and your shirt looked so nice and big and warm — just like you.
Martin
Well, I think I'll go in the other room and eat my breakfast — while I still can!
Daphne
I'd better go cook for him. I know how the Crane men like their legs. [off Bebe's sharp look] — eggs!
Bebe
I think they're a little shocked!
Frasier
Well, I'm, I'm a little surprised myself.
Bebe
Oh, let's not kid ourselves. We both knew this would happen someday.
Frasier
We did?
Bebe
The signs were all there — the glances, the furtive smiles...
Frasier
Uh, you know what would really hit the spot right now?
Bebe
My God, you're a machine!
Frasier
[gesturing "No, not that!"] Coffee! I meant coffee.
Bebe
I'll get it.
Frasier
Oh no no no, that's not necessary—
Bebe
Good morning, Niles! What a lovely surprise! We were just about to sit down to a big family breakfast. Won't you join us?
Frasier
Come on in, Niles, it's all right.
Frasier
We were celebrating. You see, the station called to renegotiate my contract.
Niles
Ah. Paid your commission up-front, I see.
Bebe
It's getting late, I'd better go freshen up. Save me a muffin, Muffin!
Frasier
Oh, all right, just go ahead, get your shots in!
Niles
No, no. I'm just glad your all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.
Martin
Is she gone?
Frasier
No, Dad, she's—she's changing. Oh my God, how did this happen?
Niles
You're asking us?
Frasier
Oh, I've got to talk with her, I've got to tell her this was all just a mistake.
Daphne
Well, you'd better be careful how you let her down. She's liable to go nuts — like in that movie — then sneak in here and try to boil Eddie!
Martin
Well, look, we'll clear out of here and give you a little privacy.
Frasier
No, no, no, Dad, I can't tell her right now. She's about to go down there and renegotiate my contract. I'll tell her later.
Martin
Oh, that's a good idea — wait till she makes you a bunch of money, then on top of breaking her heart you can make her feel really used.
Daphne
Sounds like a plan to me.
Bebe
[o.s.] Darling!
Niles
We'll leave you to your happy task.
Bebe
Cancel that muffin. Bebe just started a diet — Wink! Besides, tonight we're dining at Bernardi's. It's sinfully expensive, but I think after contract talks we can afford it!
Frasier
Uh, Bebe—
Bebe
Yeeeeessss?
Frasier
Bebe, um, I don't think there are any words to describe what we shared last night...
Bebe
It was like... Greco-Roman wrestling on a trampoline.
Frasier
You see, I- as magical as it was, I —I don't think it's the kind of thing we should let happen again.
Bebe
[laughing] Ooh!
Frasier
Well, you see, I value you too much as a colleague to do anything that might jeopardize that relationship.
Bebe
[smile disappears] I see.
Frasier
Oh, you're upset.
Bebe
No, I'm sure we both would have realized it was a mistake sooner or later. Personally, I was hoping for later but I suppose sooner's is best.
Frasier
It is, it really is.
Bebe
I'd better dash, I'll call you after the meeting.
Frasier
Oh, like you never crawled under the wrong fence once in your life!
Niles
Disaster again. Maris's little wine club had an outing at a local vineyard. As the new president, she had the honor of being first into the stomping vat. You can imagine her humiliation when she danced herself into a barefoot fury and was unable to break even a single grape.
Niles
Frasier, have you heard a word I've said?
Frasier
Of course not, Niles. I'm still worried about Bebe.
Niles
I thought you said she took it well.
Frasier
Well, she did, but you know how it is with strong women. Sometimes their strength masks their vulnerability. Well, let's face it. Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.
Niles
Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane" over and over in the margin of her algebra book.
Frasier
You can make light of this if you want to, but it is entirely possible that I broke that woman's heart!
Roz
Who? Whose heart did you break?
Frasier
No one! [Niles opens his mouth] Niles, be quiet!
Roz
Oh, come on, Frasier! I'm gonna figure it out sooner or later. Come on, give me a clue, just one, that's all I need.
Bulldog
Doc! Doc! Come quick! Bebe's out on the ledge of our building, she's threatening to jump!
Frasier
Oh my God! This is all my fault!
Roz
Wait! Just give me a hint!
Tom
Bebe, please...
Bebe
[hysterical] Get away from me!
Frasier
What happened?
Tom
I don't know. We were working on your deal, and she just burst into tears. I went out to get some water for her. When I came back, she's standing out there, sobbing that she doesn't want to live!
Frasier
Bebe, it's Frasier. Please come in.
Bebe
[hysterical] It's no good! My life is over!
Bulldog
You got to save her, Doc. My contract's up in six weeks, she's my agent too.
Frasier
All right, I'm going out there.
Roz
Are you nuts? That's nine stories down! You know what a drop like that would do to you?
Frasier
No, Roz, why don't you toss a pumpkin out the window so I have a clear image just before I try?!
Tom
Why don't we just wait for the police?
Frasier
No, no! No, that woman out there needs me. Bebe, I'm coming out.
Bebe
Don't come any closer! I'll jump!
Frasier
Bebe, please—
Bebe
No, you can't help me! No one can help me!
Frasier
I'm not worth doing this over. Look, there'll be other men. It may take time, but you'll get over me.
Bebe
[normal voice] Well, somebody certainly thinks well of himself.
Frasier
What?
Bebe
Darling, this isn't about us! It's just a little bargaining tactic.
Bebe
I threaten to jump, you talk me down, major coverage — bang, your price goes up twenty percent! [hysterical] My life is meaningless! [normal] Talk to me, darling, talk to me!
Frasier
Are you out of your mind? Now listen, you're coming in, you're coming in right now!
Bebe
[hysterical] Get away from me! You can't talk me out of this! [normal] At least not until Channel Five gets here. Now come on, dear, make like a therapist!
Frasier
God, you are out of your mind! You-you need help, you should be in therapy!
Bebe
That's good, but louder. [hysterical] Give me one reason to live! Just one!
Frasier
[shouting] There are... hundreds of reasons! Work! Art! The people who care about you! [lowers voice] Now come in, you crazy bitch!
Bebe
Channel Five, come to Mama! Okay, dear. Full coverage — now here's the plan: I swoon forward, you reach out and catch me.
Frasier
What?
Bebe
On three. One, two...
Frasier
No!
Bebe
THREE!
Bebe
Film at eleven.
Frasier
Oh, God... Oh God... just get in.
Roz
Oh, Bebe, are you all right?
Bebe
[shaken] Yes... I'm fine now.
Roz
Bulldog, get her some water. You want to sit down?
Bebe
Thank you, Frasier. You saved my life.
Tom
That was incredible, Frasier. Look, uh, I know we've got some unfinished business. But, rest assured, after this, there's no way we're gonna let you get away.
Frasier
Well... thank you, Tom. If I could just have a moment alone with Bebe?
Roz
Sure.
Frasier
What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed! You've shamelessly manipulated not only me, but this station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Bebe
Aren't you glad I'm on your side?
Frasier
Yes, I... suppose I am.