The Innkeepers

Gil

And so, in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time Tavern is anything but. Dismal decor, perfunctory service, and cuisine which is only marginally preferable to hunger. [He waves to Frasier.] And finally, on a sadder note, after fifty-three years in the same location, Orsini's is closing its doors. And so tonight, a sad adieu to the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.

Roz

[aside to Frasier] I thought HE was the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.

Gil

Until next time, this is Gil Chesterton saying bon appetite, buon appatito and nifty noshing.

Roz

Gil, why is Orsini's closing?

Gil

Well, the owner's getting old, he wants to sell. And just between us, I'm afraid Orsini's a bit like wine that's stayed too long in the cellar. It retains only memories of its former glory.

Frasier

Not comping your check anymore?

Gil

Not for months now. [He leaves.]

Frasier

You know, Orsini's used to be my favorite restaurant. You ever been there, Roz?

Roz

Are you kidding? My typical date's idea of a gourmet evening is take out, make out, and home by Letterman.

Niles

Knock knock!

Frasier

Hello, Niles. It's not really a good time for a visit, show starts in two minutes.

Niles

Just enough time to show you the John Steinbeck first edition I bought at the rare book fair. [takes the book out of the bag and shows him] "Saint Katy the Virgin" in like-new condition.

Frasier

Yes, well, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?

Niles

It's quite a charming book, really. It's a shame more people haven't read it.

Roz

Oh, let's see.

Niles

Don't touch! The smallest smudge decreases its value.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors.

Niles

Roz, you're moving.

Frasier

No, Niles. Orsini's is closing.

Niles

Oh, it can't be. It's part of Crane history. Grandfather took me there for my eighth birthday.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz.

Niles

Childhood memories, so vivid. Wearing paper hats, singing Happy Birthday, sending back the Veal Prince Orlov.

Roz

Thirty seconds, Frasier.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz. Niles, tonight let's go to Orsini's for one glorious farewell dinner.

Niles

Why not? I'll make the reservations. We'll take Dad and Daphne.

Frasier

Great. Will Maris be joining us?

Niles

Ohhh... sadly, no. She had a bad experience there one Christmas Eve. An Italian soccer team was sitting at the next table, Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose, and - perhaps inevitably - tragedy ensued.

Frasier

What has happened to this place?

Niles

I know. It's like running into a movie star you worshipped as a child, only time has left her hair brittle, her eyes sunken and dull, her skin waxy and sallow...

Martin

Well, I got quite an appetite. How 'bout you, Daph?

Maitre D'

Yes, sir. Do you have a reservation?

Frasier

Yes, the name is Crane, for four.

Maitre D'

Ah, table nine seems to be free. Right this way sir, your waiter will be with you in a moment.

Frasier

[holding Daphne's chair] Thank you. Over here, Daph.

Daphne

Oh, thank you.

Niles

Dad, Frasier, isn't that Otto?

Frasier

Oh my God, I believe it is. You know, Otto is legendary here. He's been with them forever, he never writes a single thing down, he keeps it all in his head. [calling out] Otto!

Otto

Oh, coming up. [He hands Frasier a folder.] Your check, sir.

Frasier

No, no. Wrong table. We would like menus, please.

Otto

Sorry. I hate it when we get crowded.

Martin

I'm goin' to the john. Order me a beer.

Frasier

Oh gee, Dad, for a moment there, I thought you were going to surprise me and order a glass of wine.

Martin

Oh yeah, for a moment there I thought you were gonna surprise me and button your yap.

Frasier

I'd order him the crab cocktail, but I'm afraid the irony would be lost on him.

Niles

The owner's going to have his hands full trying to find a buyer for this place.

Frasier

Yes, alas. I'm afraid we've found one old relic who's time has come to be put out of his misery. [Otto has come back and looks worried at this.] Oh no, Otto, I didn't mean you.

Otto

Your menus, sir.

Niles

It's all right. He's in the men's room.

Frasier

No, no, leave it here.

Daphne

Why are Americans always in such an almighty rush to tear things down? At home, we treasure our antiquities but you people just can't wait to bring in the bulldozers.

Niles

You know, I'm inclined to agree with Daphne.

Frasier

I'll try to contain my amazement.

Daphne

It would be a crime to lose a landmark like this. I mean, look at it. It's well built, good structure.

Niles

It does have good bones. It's in a very good location.

Frasier

Excellent location. If they only had valet parking...

Niles

If they just took down those awful curtains...

Frasier

Knocked out these pillars...

Frasier

You know, I've always dreamed of owning a four-star restaurant.

Niles

What growing boy hasn't?

Frasier

Of course, we'd need a new chef.

Niles

I happen to know the chef at Emilio's is very unhappy.

Frasier

Of course, everyone knows that. The man's scongili is a cry for help.

Niles

Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Frasier

I'm picking out china and sandblasting the wine cave!

Daphne

Owning a restaurant is hard work. If you don't scald yourself or lop off a finger with a cleaver, you spend your whole time gagging at grease fires, killing rats and brawling with labor racketeers. [off their shocked expressions] My auntie had a little tea room.

Martin

Wait a minute! Don't tell me you two are seriously considering doing a dumb-ass, idiotic thing like buying this place?

Frasier

With all due respect, Dad, we are not exactly neophytes in this field. We know food, we know wine...

Niles

Lord knows we have style, taste and refinement...

Martin

You see, that's what always gets you guys in trouble. You don't think about the hard work or the long hours. No, to you, owning a restaurant is just wearing fancy clothes, hobnobbing with your friends and turning your enemies away at the door.

Niles

[excited] I hadn't even thought about that!

Martin

Look, when I was a cop walkin' the beat, there was this one restaurant on the corner. In ten years, it must have changed hands twenty times. First it was Ling Fun's Lichi Palace, then it was Tony's Meatball Hutch, then it was A Little Taste of Yorkshire - English food. Huh, big surprise, that lasted about five minutes.

Niles

You know, Frasier, Dad has a point. A lot of people have lost a lot of money in this business for one reason: they picked the wrong name.

Frasier

True, Niles, but I've got something very special. I was thinking about this while Dad was talking.

Frasier

"Maison Crane." [then] Oh, God, you're right, it's a little too obvious.

Niles

We want our name to be inviting and welcoming. Oh, oh, what's the word for "lighthearted" in French?

Frasier

[thinking a moment] There isn't one. I've got it, Niles, I've got it! Le Freres Heureux.

Niles

"The Happy Brothers"... Brilliant! It's homey, but just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate the riff-raff!

Frasier

Yes! We'll make the place very, very exclusive! No sign on the outside, no advertisements and oh, an unlisted number!

Martin

Hey, well don't stop there! Maybe you could post some guards on the roof who can shoot people as they try to get in. [Daphne laughs.]

Frasier

Never mind him. I believe, Niles. Do you believe?

Niles

I believe.

Otto

Have you decided what you'd like?

Frasier

Yes. I'd like the whole damn place! Right from the wine cellar to the rafters!

Otto

And for the lady?

Niles

We're a hit, a palpable hit. Every table in the place is full. Except for that tiny one, wedged in that horrible dank little corner next to the men's room.

Frasier

No, no, no, Niles. That is not a dank little corner next to the men's room. That is the "Enchanted Grotto."

Niles

I've been getting nothing but compliments.

Frasier

Yes, Chef Maurice has really outdone himself. The menu simply cannot be improved upon.

Niles

[tasting a dish] I agree. Mmm, unless it would be to add just a soup�on of brandy to the cherries jubilee?

Frasier

[tasting] Mmm. Yes, yes. I want those cherries to be jubilant.

Frasier

Daphne, Dad, everything all right here?

Daphne

Oh yes, Dr. Crane. Whatever this anguille is, it's perfectly smashing!

Frasier

It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe!

Martin

I arrested a guy for that once.

Daphne

You and your brother really pulled it off, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Yes, well, sorry to disappoint you Dad, but the restaurant is a success. By tomorrow we'll be the toast of Seattle.

Niles

What's in there?

Sous-Chef

[holding up an eel] Anguille.

Niles

Dear God!

Sous-Chef

It's Maurice's specialty. He prefers to kill them to order, then serve them with their heads still on.

Niles

Thank God his specialty isn't roast beef.

Niles

Are those the soufflés for table nine, Maurice?

Maurice

I'm just about to bake them.

Niles

I know it's not my place to second guess your presentation, but would you be averse to trying something radical?

Maurice

[suspicious] What?

Niles

Well, instead of individual soufflés, bake one large soufflé and dish the portions out at the table. When people hear the name Niles Crane, I want them to think "Big souffle."

Maurice

As you wish.

Waiter

There's a party at the door without a tie or a reservation.

Niles

Leave them to me.

Bulldog

Hey, Miles, baby!

Niles

Good evening, Mr. Briscoe. May I help you?

Bulldog

[indicating the girl] Does it look like I need help tonight?

Niles

Do you have a reservation?

Bulldog

Okay, okay, I know what you're sniffin' around for. These guys are all alike. Mr. Lincoln wonders if you've got a table for the Bulldog and his lady.

Niles

Well, Mr. Lincoln's in luck. [to waiter] Please, seat these people in "The Enchanted Grotto."

Frasier

Niles, the Grotto? Oh, Bulldog, enjoy our finest table.

Bulldog

There, you see that? Little flash of green and you get anything you want. But look who I'm telling.

Frasier

Um, Maurice? It's not to second-guess your creativity, but... [Maurice glares at him.] I thought we agreed that we would serve the soufflés in individual cups.

Maurice

But I was asked to change.

Frasier

Change on opening night? Good lord, no, no. Start pouring, man.

Frasier

Dad, Daphne, if you're almost finished, I can call for your car.

Daphne

You know, your parking attendant looked familiar.

Frasier

It was Otto, the waiter. Didn't have the heart to let him go, so... [He pulls out a walkie-talkie] Hello, Otto?

Otto

[from radio] Who is this?

Frasier

[patiently] Dr. Crane, Otto. Please bring up car forty-four, please. Thank you. [to Martin and Daphne] Little innovation of mine. This way, your car will be waiting when you're finished.

Niles

Maurice, I thought we agreed, one large bowl for the soufflé.

Maurice

This is crazy! This is my kitchen!

Niles

Well, it's in my restaurant, so one big bowl, chop chop! [to a waiter] And you, you, you! Table twelve is still waiting for their entrée. Don't force me to send them complimentary zucchini.

Waiter

Uh, that's the "In" door, sir.

Niles

Good lord, I wonder what I hit.

Bartender

What happened?

Frasier

I think this man must've fainted. Here, help me get him into the kitchen.

Bartender

That's the "Out" door!

Frasier

Well, no harm done.

Niles

Good lord, I think his nose is broken.

Sous-Chef

What should we do?

Niles

Well for one thing, start ladling out zucchini.

Sous-Chef

That one's out cold.

Bartender

Give me a hand, I'll take them both to the emergency room.

Frasier

Yes, that's a good idea. Please help this man.

Niles

[with rising panic] Frasier, true to our name I'm trying to remain a happy brother, but do you find it just the tiniest bit discouraging that suddenly we find ourselves with neither waiters nor a bartender?!

Frasier

First rule of the kitchen, Niles: remain calm.

Frasier

NO, NO, NO! I told you individual cups, you oaf!

Niles

I told him one large bowl.

Frasier

Are you out of your mind?! You told him what?

Niles

Oh, fine, now what?

Frasier

Simple. We'll just make a battlefield promotion.

Frasier

Congratulations! You are our new head chef.

Sous-Chef

Sank you.

Frasier

Now make us proud! We've got a lot of very important clientele out there.

Niles

Yes, the Governor's table alone has two state senators and the head of the Immigration Bureau.

Sous-Chef

Sacre Merde!

Frasier

Any other names you'd like to drop?

Niles

Fine, now we have no chef!

Niles

No... No... Put the hat down! No, no...

Frasier

[puts it on Niles's head] You are our new head chef.

Niles

Don't be absurd, I can't possibly cook all this food!

Frasier

Oh, of course you can, Niles. My God, most of the meals are already started. Dad and Daphne can help us out. [into the walkie-talkie] Otto, cancel car number forty-four.

Otto

Who is this?

Frasier

It's Dr. Crane! It's always Dr. Crane, I'm the only one on here!

Frasier

Dad, Daphne, we need your help, we've had a little disaster.

Martin

[loudly] Disaster?!

Frasier

Will you...! The entire staff has walked out, it's a long story, but Daphne, I need you in the kitchen; and I need you behind the bar, Dad. [off Martin's look] You can gloat later.

Martin

I'll pencil it in.

Daphne

Well, it won't be the first time I've had to wash dishes for my supper, but who's going to wait on all these tables?

Roz

Oh, Frasier...

Frasier

[kissing her on the cheeks] Roz! Roz! Roz! Oh, Roz!

Roz

I'm glad to see you too. Frasier, this is my date, Brad.

Frasier

Brad, pleasure.

Roz

Pretty great, huh?

Frasier

Oh, yes, yes.

Roz

So, you've got our special table?

Frasier

Yes, I certainly have. But before you sit at it, there's something I want to discuss with you. [He leads her to the kitchen.]

Roz

It's probably some kind of surprise.

Frasier

Oh, try to fool you...

Martin

What's your poison?

Brad

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should wait for Roz.

Martin

I'd have one now.

Roz

Blackmailer!

Roz

Honey? Listen, I'm really, really sorry, but Frasier's a dear friend and his waiters have had a terrible accident and this is his grand opening and he really, really needs my help so I hope you'll try to understand.

Brad

No problem. Listen, could I get a menu and maybe some bread and butter?

Frasier

Dad...

Martin

[grinning] Hey, buddy. You from around here? How 'bout those Supersonics?

Frasier

Listen, Niles is starting to panic in the kitchen. I don't know if we're going to be able to pull this thing off.

Martin

Why don't you just level with them? Tell 'em what happened. People are more understanding than you think.

Frasier

Well, maybe you're right. Maybe honesty is the best policy. Everyone? Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, I would just like to say...

Gil

[entering with a party] Good evening, Frasier.

Frasier

Bon appetite! Gil! Gil, my God, what a surprise to see you. I thought you never reviewed opening night.

Gil

You're my friend. I made an exception. And as a special surprise, I brought an entire table of restaurant critics.

Frasier

Oh, well, that's... We're so booked up I don't know if we can accommodate you.

Gil

Oh, we'll take that one over there. We don't mind squeezing in.

Gil

We're simply salivating to try your anguille. We hear your chef's an absolute wizard with eels.

Frasier

Well, that was his old specialty. You really must try his new specialty: scrambled eggs. [Gil gives him a very dry look] Eels it is.

Roz

Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the sole beranica without the grapes. [Daphne begins flicking off the grapes.] Spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers...

Daphne

Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?

Roz

I have trouble saying no.

Niles

So the guidebooks tell us.

Roz

You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?

Daphne

Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.

Roz

You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!

Niles

How dare you use that tone with her!

Frasier

ALL RIGHT, STOP IT! [they shut up] Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes. Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!

Niles

Wait, wait! [Frasier stops] What?!

Frasier

I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!

Niles

Wait, wait! How do you suggest I do that?

Frasier

How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Frasier

Not to worry, Gil, the eels are on their way.

Gil

Our mouths are watering, Frasier.

Frasier

Our chef is in the process of...

Frasier

...frying them now.

Customer

Excuse me. This is veal piccata, I ordered veal marsala.

Frasier

So it is. I'll rectify that at once. I'll be right back.

Frasier

Niles, this veal piccata has to be veal marsala!

Niles

Now it is.

Roz

The mayor's table all want cherries jubilee for dessert.

Frasier

All right, fine. You flame them, I'll be out to serve them.

Frasier

Niles, how are those eels coming?

Niles

I'm just trimming them now. [hacks at the water with a cleaver]

Frasier

Oh no, Niles! Take them out of the tank!

Niles

Not until I'm sure they're dead! [keeps hacking]

Daphne

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Frasier

What was that?

Roz

[in a shell-shocked voice] Big blue flash... cherries everywhere...

Daphne

Lucky it didn't set off the sprinkler system.

Frasier

Yes, fortunately we have a built-in safety delay for just this sort of thing. It gives you fifteen seconds before the sprinklers... [The sprinklers kick in.] ...kick in.

Daphne

Where do I turn that off?

Frasier

Right over there.

Niles

I hope you're satisfied! You've thinned my brown sauce!

Frasier

Good news! That was just a test!

Customer

I want my car, now!

Frasier

Yes, ma'am, right away. [He grabs the radio.] Quick, Otto, bring car twenty-three right away.

Otto

[v.o.] Who is this?

Frasier

It's the voice of God!

Bulldog

Hey Doc, Doc. Great touch with the sprinklers! My date's dress is clinging to her like Saran Wrap!

Frasier

Ladies and gentlemen, every restaurant has its little adjustment period. I'm sure someday you'll look back on this and remember it as an adventure!

Gil

And if they don't remember it, I'll remind them.

Frasier

Now for those of you who are leaving, please keep us in mind for your next special occasion. We plan many new and exciting innovations in the weeks to come.

Frasier

Starting with our... our drive-through window.

Otto

Number twenty-three is ready.

Niles

How much firepower do you suppose is necessary to imbed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?

Frasier

[glancing up] Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

Martin

Man, those eels are starting to stink.

Niles

Dad, for an hour you've been circling us like a shark. Why don't you just give us your little speech and get on with it?

Martin

Hey, come on, I know you guys. You're gonna punish yourselves enough without me chimin' in.

Frasier

Thanks.

Niles

Appreciate it.

Martin

Hey, I'm your dad.

Martin

Hello, Happy Brothers Restaurant. Table for two? Yeah, no problem. Smoke-damaged or non-smoke-damaged?

Frasier

You know, we could tell people he died in the explosion.