Dark Victory
Aired 23rd May 1995 · Written by Christopher Lloyd & Linda Morris & Vic Rauseo · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
Well, Caroline, if you've been in therapy for two years and you're feeling like you're no longer making any progress, perhaps you've reached a plateau, or you and your therapist have simply gone as far as you can together.
Caroline
[v.o] Maybe it is time for a change. He's kind of dry and long-winded.
Frasier
Well, two years is certainly a long time to spend with a psychiatrist you find dry and long-winded.
Roz
A-men to that!
Caroline
Thanks, Dr. Crane. You've given me a lot to think about. Would it be OK if I called back sometime and picked your brains?
Frasier
Well, just consider me your mental banjo. Well, that's it for this fine Friday, Seattle. This is Frasier Crane saying, "we'll see you next week."
Roz
[coming into the studio] Good show, Frasier.
Frasier
[exhausted] Oh, Roz. I've been waiting for this moment the entire week. [slowly takes off his headphones in happiness]
Roz
That's what I love about you, Frasier. You work hard and you play hard.
Frasier
Roz, you have no idea how much I've been looking forward to this weekend. There comes a time when even the most conscientious of psychiatrists has had his fill of other people's problems.
Delivery Boy
Hi. Is one of you Roz Doyle?
Frasier
Yes... that's all the clues we're going to give you.
Frasier
A little offering from one of your suitors perhaps? A nice string of pearls? A teardrop pendant?
Roz
[opening package and tearfully turning to Frasier] It's a brick of cheese!
Frasier
Well, on the right chain I can see that looking smart.
Roz
It's from my family. They're in Wisconsin at my Uncle's dairy farm having a family reunion.
Frasier
Oh, why didn't you go, Roz?
Roz
There wasn't time. But now I wish I'd gone. Frasier, we always have so much fun. Like this one time there was this huge cheese party and one of my uncles started speaking in cheese language. You know, like instead of saying, "Hello, how are you?" he'd say, "Hello, Havarti." Someone else would go "Oh, I'm Gouda." Oh I don't know, what would come after that?
Frasier
If I'd been there, the sound of a gunshot!
Roz
[tearful] Don't make fun. I miss those people.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, oh... [going to console her] There, there.
Roz
We play games and sing songs.
Frasier
Oh, of course. I know.
Roz
And Aunt Libby does cannonballs into the lake.
Frasier
Oh yes, the memories must be...
Roz
And Uncle Ned has too much to drink and he starts putting pants on all the cows!
Frasier
Listen, Roz. If what you're looking for is family fun tonight, why don't you come to my place? It's my Dad's birthday. I completely forgot about it last year and I'm going to make up for it this year. There's just one rule. No work, just a good time.
Roz
Frasier, I don't think I'd be much fun.
Frasier
Roz, I insist. There's no one I enjoy partying with more than you and I just hate to see you like this. I Camembert it!
Roz
[crying] Oh. So sweet.
Frasier
All right, it's someone's birthday! I hope you're all in the mood for a party. I know I am.
Daphne
[from the kitchen] YOU'RE BLOODY IMPOSSIBLE!
Martin
[from the kitchen] AND YOU'RE A BLOODY NAG!
Daphne
DON'T YOU SHAKE THAT CANE AT ME!
Martin
QUACK QUACK QUACK - hey!
Frasier
Oh, for heaven's sake, not again!
Martin
Just decided what I want for my birthday: fire Daphne!
Daphne
You'd have to re-hire me first, because I quit! I hope I never see this place or that hateful old canker sore ever again.
Frasier
Okay, what is it this time?
Daphne
The usual. I ask him to do his exercises and he twists his face up like a mewling little baby.
Martin
Why don't you tell him how you asked me to do it - by pouring my beer down the sink and banging on the spaghetti pot with a wooden spoon?
Daphne
I'm here for your health. I don't have to be your friend.
Martin
Well, that's good! Because I've got a friend here [gestures to Eddie] who doesn't happen to be a yammering nag!
Daphne
[throwing Martin's cane away] Eddie, fetch.
Frasier
[catching the cane] Oh, stop this! You two are having the same argument all the time. You can just pick this up again tomorrow. Tonight we are going to have a party. Dad, I went down and got your favorite lemon cake. I also got some snacks and some champagne. Can we all just agree to try and have a little fun this evening? [The doorbell rings] Now that is probably Roz. She's been very down this week and what she's in need of is a very happy and carefree environment. Frankly, I could use the same thing. Now can we just agree to maybe a truce?
Martin/Daphne
[muttering over each other] Yeah, well if she keeps her mouth shut.../If he can keep his big...
Frasier
Roz! [kisses her hello]
Roz
Hey, Martin.
Martin
Hey!
Roz
[holding up a parcel] Happy Birthday!
Martin
Oh, you didn't have to do this. [looks inside and laughs] Hey, thanks, Roz! [pulls out a six-pack of Ballantines] I'll have to model it for you later.
Daphne
He's already modeling the last one someone gave him.
Martin
Quack!
Frasier
Listen, I have a very nice evening planned. Can we all just try to be civil?
Niles
[storming in] You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! [turning to Martin] Happy Birthday, Dad.
Martin
Thanks.
Frasier
Niles, what are you talking about?
Niles
You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!
Frasier
Caroline was your patient?
Niles
Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two- minute McSessions.
Frasier
Niles, I merely suggested that she consider a change.
Niles
Based on what diagnostic method? One potato, two potato?
Daphne
Oh, fancy that. A member of the Crane family who doesn't take the time to do something.
Martin
Quack!
Niles
Exactly, Dad. [at Frasier] Quack.
Martin
[pointing his cane in Daphne's direction] I was talking to her.
Niles
Don't you raise your cane at her!
Frasier
NO, WAIT! Roz, where are you going?
Roz
I think I'd better leave.
Frasier
We were just talking. That wasn't fighting. We were talking.
Roz
I'd really just rather be by myself. Thanks, guys. I had a wonderful time.
Frasier
[shutting the door behind Roz] Well, I hope you're happy. You've ruined her evening.
Martin
Her evening? It's my birthday.
Daphne
Right. Well, let's get that underway right now. Who's ready for cake?
Martin
I certainly don't want to keep anybody here a second longer than they have to be so let's get this over with. Thanks for a great party!
Niles
Well, there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs.
Daphne
Every light in the city is out. It must be a blackout.
Frasier
Don't panic. There's certainly worse places we could all be in a blackout.
Niles
Like the elevator.
Frasier
[realizes] Oh my God, Roz!
Martin
Why couldn't it be Daphne? [there is a crash and a bang] STOP DOING THAT!
Daphne
We just need to get some light in here.
Martin
Eddie, where are you?
Daphne
Oh, excuse me, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Quite all right, Daphne.
Frasier
Oh, Daphne, where are the hurricane lamps?
Daphne
They're in the kitchen. I'll get them.
Frasier
All right. Dad, why don't you light a fire?
Daphne
Oh, excuse me, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Not your fault, Daphne.
Martin
Eddie! Where are you, Eddie?
Frasier
[annoyed] I've found him!
Daphne
Well, that's better.
Martin
I'm going to go get my radio. See what the hell's going on.
Frasier
[struggling up off the floor] All right.
Frasier
Oh Roz, Roz! You're all right.
Roz
I'm fine. The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights... and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!
Niles
Yes. I hear there's a thriving black market in badly- designed Formica coffee tables.
Roz
At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!
Niles
Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century.
Frasier
People... people... [they keep arguing] SILENCE, ENFANTS!!! [they shut up] Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
Niles
I'm going to call Maris.
Frasier
Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?
Roz
I'm going to go and get a big glass of wine.
Daphne
Well, it looks like the steaks we were going to have are out. I better go and see what I can find.
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne.
Daphne
Oh, sorry, Dr. Crane
Niles
Excuse me, Daphne.
Martin
[coming through with the radio to his ear] The power is out all over south Seattle. They're working on it now.
Niles
[talking on the phone to Maris] Hello, Maris. Thank God I got you. Listen, darling, there is no need to panic. The most important thing is to stay calm... About the blackout. Maris? Take off your slumber mask. [Niles suddenly holds the phone away from his ear] Ooh! No darling, darling, don't panic. Honey, no, honey, hon, ho- ho- h... [turns the phone off and puts it back in his pocket] She's fine.
Daphne
Ooh, yum, scrum, pig's bum. Here's something nice. Half- gallon tubs of Cookies & Cream and Vanilla Fudge.
Roz
Mmm, well let's take care of these right away before they melt.
Frasier
Well, there's no need to worry, ladies. The freezer will keep them cold for at least 24 hours.
Daphne/Roz
Shut up!
Martin
[bored] Well, I don't like to get nostalgic but it was sure great last year when you forgot my birthday!
Frasier
You know what we need to do? We need to liven things up a little bit. How about a game? What was that game we played at the Rambican's when they were costuming the servants for the living chess match. It was... er... oh yes, I remember — "I'm the dullest person."
Roz
At least pick a game someone else has a chance of winning.
Frasier
Well, that's got things shakin'. OK, come on, Dad.
Frasier
What the game is — we all get pennies and we're supposed to try and get the other person's pennies.
Martin
[sarcastic] Please, slow down!
Frasier
[gathering everyone round the table] All right now. If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because... I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Daphne
[bored] I can't think of anything.
Frasier
Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
Daphne
[becoming increasingly exasperated] Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
Frasier
OK — that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see it should be something that someone else might have actually... [Roz throws in a penny] ...done.
Roz
I was in college. I was trying to find myself.
Niles
All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.
Frasier
All right, Dad. Get our pennies.
Martin
All right. I'm the dullest person because... I've never been to France.
Frasier
[as the others throw pennies in] Good, Dad. That's getting into the spirit of it. All right, Niles. What's something you've never done?
Niles
Well, let's see. I'm the dullest person because I've never sabotaged my brother's career.
Frasier
Will you give it a rest!
Daphne
Oh, your father could show you how to do that.
Martin
Quack Quack!
Roz
WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP? You are torturing me. I could report you to Amnesty International.
Martin
[getting up] That's it, I'm outta here.
Frasier
Oh, Dad, Dad. You haven't even cut your cake yet. Where are you going?
Martin
I'm going to sit in the tub with a hairdryer and wait for the power to come back on.
Niles
Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!
Frasier
Roz. Like to have a little cake?
Roz
No, thanks. This reminds me of Wisconsin. All dark and deserted.
Frasier
That's on the license plate, isn't it? Roz — what's the real reason you didn't go to your reunion? You've always made it before.
Roz
Well... no, no. You said you didn't want to hear any more problems today and I don't blame you.
Frasier
I think we have time for one more caller.
Roz
Well... every year I go to my reunion. My relatives crowd around me and I answer the same questions. No, I'm not married. No, I don't have any kids. Yes, I still have that tattoo. No, you can't see it. It would just be so nice if I could at least say I have a great career.
Frasier
Roz, you do have a great career.
Roz
Tell that to my relatives. You know according to them I spend four hours on the phone every day with a bunch of losers and wackos, then I turn them over to some tedious know-it-all who gives them pointless advice. [Frasier looks none too amused] Oh, that's not me talking. That's my Uncle Ned.
Frasier
Oh, yes — the cow haberdasher. You know, Roz — ten years ago KACL didn't have any women producers? You're a pioneer. You've won awards. You help people.
Roz
Sounds right when you say it.
Frasier
Maybe you're just looking for too much from your job. Start exploring other areas of your life. Interests. Maybe a serious relationship?
Roz
Maybe you're right. I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky twenty-five year-olds that are all looks and no substance?
Frasier
Exactly, Roz.
Roz
No, I'm serious. I'm asking, how long? Three, four years?
Daphne
[from the kitchen] Oh, bloody hell!
Frasier
[going through to the kitchen] Daphne? Are you all right?
Daphne
I've broke your father's souvenir spoon rest from Atlantic City.
Frasier
Oh, good.
Daphne
You know — when I have my own kitchen I'm going to put my food right on the damn counter. I've always said as soon as I've saved two thousand dollars I'll get my own place.
Frasier
Well, how much have you saved?
Daphne
Four thousand. Oh, I know what you're thinking. What's wrong with me? Why do I stay here?
Frasier
No, I was just thinking I must be paying you too much.
Daphne
My friends all say you should be on your own. Have a place. Have a life. Why do I stay here?
Frasier
Could it be that, maybe, you like us? You know my Grandmother used to have a cat. A mangy old thing. Kept ruining the furniture and stuff. I asked her why she kept it and she said that maybe it was because she liked having another heartbeat around the house.
Daphne
It just makes me feel like I'm not very ambitious. I could be working in a hospital or a clinic.
Frasier
Of course you could, Daphne, but maybe that's not what's important to you right now. I think you like being part of a family. What's wrong with that?
Daphne
Nothing, I suppose. Although my friends wonder how I can live with such demanding men?
Frasier
They call me demanding, do they?
Daphne
No. Actually they call you a pompous ass!
Frasier
And now you've learned that I'm not?
Daphne
No. I've learned to work around it.
Martin
Excuse me, I'm getting a beer. And yes, I know it's not good for me. And yes, I know it's going to make me fat. And yes, I know it'll keep me from doing my exercises. Do you have anything to add to that?
Daphne
Yes! Happy Birthday, you old sod!
Martin
They try to confuse you on purpose. [takes a swig from his beer before putting it down in disgust] Room temperature! Just like merry old England. Another place that I'll probably never get to.
Frasier
Dad, you used to talk about going to Europe when your hip improves. Now you're saying you'll never get there? What's changed?
Martin
Nothing! My hip's the same as it was a year ago. I had it in my head it would be better by now, but I'm not and I'm probably never going to be. Ah, you don't understand. You're happy just sitting on your can, doing your little radio show, living inside your head. But I'm used to being out there.
Martin
Eddie!
Frasier
Listen, Dad. You can still travel. [Martin dismisses him] You can. You can't walk around Paris — you can sit at a nice café and let Paris walk past you. Maybe buy a glass of wine for a beautiful Mademoiselle. Get yourself a nice bottle of imported beer.
Martin
I only like Ballantines.
Frasier
In Paris, Ballantine's is imported beer. And you are the handsome american with the adorable accent.
Martin
[thinks about it, then smiles] They like moustaches over there, don't they?
Niles
Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!
Roz
[from the balcony] Same to you, buddy!
Martin
Who are you talking to?
Roz
Some rowdy guys downstairs. Come on out here, Martin. I want you to introduce us.
Martin
[going outside] All right. Keep your pants on.
Frasier
Here, Niles. Let me take your coat.
Niles
Oh, haven't you taken enough from me today?
Frasier
Oh, Niles. You're being silly and irrational.
Niles
Sticks and stones.
Frasier
You're acting just like Dad.
Niles
[furious] You take that back!
Frasier
You know you're not really mad at me, Niles. You know I didn't tell that woman to leave you. I merely suggested it as an option. It was all her choice. Could it be that you're really upset just because you couldn't help that woman?
Niles
You know, I really hate that. When you take a simple criticism and you turn it back on me.
Frasier
I think I'm right.
Niles
Well, of course you're right. Why do you think I hate it? Do you have any idea what I went through trying to help that woman?
Frasier
Yes, I think I do. Niles, you're a perfectionist. As faults go that's not such a bad one to have.
Niles
It just would have been nice if I could have been the one to tell her that it was time to go. Instead she had to hear it from some glib, albeit insightful radio pundit!
Roz
[coming back in with Martin and Daphne] Those rowdy guys downstairs invited us to a blackout party.
Martin
They have cold beer.
Roz
And Carlsberg.
Daphne
You know, it's funny. I was feeling a bit down before but suddenly I'm in a party mood.
Frasier
What about our party?
Roz
There are people downstairs.
Martin
They have a barbecue.
Niles
Come on, Frasier.
Frasier
No, no, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood anymore.
Daphne
Don't be a party pooper.
Martin
Oh, let him be. He's always been that way.
Frasier
Excuse me! Just a second. I think maybe it's time for a little lesson about what it's like to live the life of this particular party pooper. I spend the whole damn week ministering to the troubled and the neurotic and the sometimes just plain goofy. Then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there. Out on the street, at the café, even in this building — more people come up for help, more problems. I suppose they just think it's OK, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door without so much as a "thank you." Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The Doctor is out.
Frasier
Okay, apologies accepted!
Frasier
No, no... look, I-I love you all. I really do. But what I want right now is to be left alone, right here, where no one needs anything from me.
Martin
Well, OK. I'll bring you some barbecue.
Roz
Oh my God, it's dark out here...
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie. No, I'm not going to do it. No.