The Matchmaker
Aired 4th October 1994 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Oh my God! Fire!
Martin
Eddie! Eddie! Where are you, boy?
Frasier
Dad, wake up! Dad, are you in there?
Martin
Eddie! Here, Eddie! Come on!
Frasier
Dad, where are you? Where's the fire?
Martin
Have you seen Eddie?
Frasier
What's burning? Where's the fire?
Martin
Eddie!
Daphne
It's alright, it's alright! False alarm! The one above my bed went off.
Frasier
Thank God!
Daphne
Oh, and don't worry about Eddie - he's back in my room. God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!
Martin
What the hell triggered it?
Daphne
Who knows? I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away for no reason at all.
Frasier
I see. [takes the packet] What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom, bad dog!
Daphne
I know, you have a no-smoking rule. I'm sorry. But every now and again I feel a bit tense and I find a ciggy can be very soothing.
Martin
Oh yeah, it's real soothing. It only should be an hour before my heart stops fibrillating. [exits]
Frasier
[reading clock] Oh, it figures, 3 AM. Of course this would happen the night before I have an early morning meeting!
Frasier
Daphne, aren't you going back to bed?
Daphne
No. I'll just sit up for a bit, I'm feeling a bit blue.
Frasier
Anything you'd like to talk about?
Daphne
No, you need your sleep, it's nothing important. [he starts to exit] Just this feeling that my life's a gaping sinkhole and I'm just marking time while the flower of my youth rots on the vine.
Frasier
[eager to escape] Well, so long as you're sure.
Frasier
I really wish you'd tell me about it.
Daphne
Well, if you must know, it's my love life.
Frasier
Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne
Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.
Frasier
Ah, I see. You're going through a bit of a drought, eh?
Daphne
No wonder. The rare times I do go out, it's usually with your father. People see us and assume I'm his daughter, or else his girlfriend. Either way, it's like having my own personal can of stud repellant.
Frasier
Yes well, I know how bleak these times can be. But believe me, they will come to an end sooner or later. I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid — sophisticated, if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged... [realizes] Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith... [thinks, as Daphne lights a cigarette] Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! But, I rebounded! And look how far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.
Roz
I figured I'd find you here! You know, you missed your meeting with the new station manager.
Frasier
Oh no, I completely forgot.
Roz
God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Frasier
I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which one of us had the most pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.
Roz
Well, I know what your problems are. What are Daphne's?
Frasier
She's just having trouble finding men.
Roz
Say no more!
Frasier
[trying to be tactful] No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz
Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.
Frasier
But still, one hates to break up a collection.
Niles
[sitting down] There we go - double espresso, and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look any different to you?
Frasier
No.
Niles
Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand. [takes a sip and swishes them around like wine] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm - waxy.
Roz
[finding a name] Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.
Frasier
I don't think so.
Roz
Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
Frasier
A German narcissist, now there's an appealing combination.
Roz
Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
Niles
Looking for what?
Roz
I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles
[lightly] What?
Roz
Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Niles
Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz
Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles
Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz
Listen, you little titmouse-!
Frasier
[coming between them] Alright! Niles: you are completely out of line here. And Roz: he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz
Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier
No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Roz
[getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.
Frasier
Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz
Oh no, I can't stay, the fleet's in!
Frasier
And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands. We'll be right back after these messages.
Roz
In the future, please keep your disgusting half-eaten food off my console. In fact, just stay out of my sight!
Frasier
You're still mad at me, I can tell.
Roz
[nasty] And there's that keen sensitivity that keeps you in such demand with the ladies.
Frasier
Look Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier. But the truth is, I feel very protective of Daphne. See, the kind of man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart, successful...
Tom
Excuse me.
Frasier
Yes?
Tom
I'm Tom Duran, the new station manager.
Frasier
Oh! Tom, hey, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm so sorry about missing the meeting this morning, I slept right through it.
Tom
Oh yeah me too, and I was there.
Tom
Say, that's a beautiful tie.
Frasier
Oh, thank you. Yes, I got this one in London at one of those custom shops just of off Sloane Square.
Tom
You know, I just came from London. I spent the last five years working for the BBC.
Frasier
Really? I love London - the museums, the theatre...
Tom
Oh yeah, I'm a big theatre buff, three shows a week. I hated leaving.
Frasier
I can imagine. Why did you?
Tom
Well, I just kind of went through a messy break-up. I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us.
Frasier
Yes, I know the feeling! [clicks] So, I take it then you're unattached?
Tom
Yes, but I haven't given up hope.
Frasier
Well, you may have come to the right place.
Tom
Really?
Frasier
Yes. You say you're very fond of the English?
Tom
Oh yes, very much. You know, I think I've always had a weakness for people who are just a little eccentric.
Frasier
[now really interested] Really?
Roz
Fifteen seconds.
Tom
Well, it was nice meeting you.
Frasier
Likewise.
Frasier
Uh, say Tom, this may sound like short notice, but if you're not busy Saturday, why don't you come round my place for dinner? Nothing fancy.
Tom
Well thanks, I'd like that.
Frasier
Great!
Frasier
Hello Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have up next?
Roz
We have James from Tacoma on line one.
Frasier
Hello James, I'm listening...
Tom
Hi, Roz.
Roz
Hi, Tom. How's it going?
Tom
Well, you know, it's the same with every job I take. The word flies like wild fire.
Roz
What's that?
Tom
Oh, you know, you tell one or two people you're gay and before you can blink it's all over the station.
Roz
Well, they don't call it "broadcasting" for nothing.
Tom
He seems like a nice guy.
Roz
Oh, he's OK.
Tom
I hope he's more than OK, he just asked me out on a date.
Roz
Frasier just asked you out on a date?
Tom
Well, he asked me to his place for dinner. So I wanted to ask you, is there any particular wine he likes?
Roz
Listen Tom, there is something I think you need to know about Frasier...
Tom
What?
Roz
He's nuts about chardonnay.
Tom
Thanks!
Daphne
Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier
Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set- up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne
Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean!
Frasier
Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?
Daphne
Why, what's wrong with it?
Frasier
Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what About that, that strapless number you have? [motions down his hips]
Daphne
Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier
Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do!
Frasier
Tom! Come on in.
Tom
Hi, Frasier.
Frasier
Good to see you.
Tom
[re: wine] Oh, I don't know, something told me you might like chardonnay.
Frasier
Oh my, that's my favorite. So, what do you think of this place?
Tom
[looking out the window] That's a hell of a view!
Frasier
It's even better from the bedroom.
Tom
Why don't we just start with the drink?
Tom
[re: dining table] Oh, four places, who's joining us?
Frasier
Oh, just my little household: my father and his charming physical therapist, Daphne.
Tom
You live with your dad? I can't even imagine that. Well, I mean it's great that you get along so well, but doesn't, um... having him here put a crimp in your love life?
Frasier
Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them.
Frasier
He's quite the old rascal!
Frasier
Well, look who we have here. Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Tom
[shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you.
Daphne
Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!
Frasier
Oh, sorry.
Daphne
May I?
Daphne
Oh, this is strange, I'm picking up a vibration from your coat.
Tom
Excuse me?
Frasier
Yes well, Daphne feels she possesses psychic powers - you know those English eccentrics.
Daphne
[comes back and takes Tom's hand] Oh, you've just been through a very painful break-up, haven't you?
Tom
Yes! [then, to Frasier] Oh, wait a minute, you told her that, didn't you?
Frasier
No, no.
Daphne
There was a bitter dispute about ownership of opera recordings.
Tom
[drops onto the couch] Whoa!
Daphne
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll nip into the kitchen. I have a bird to baste. [exits]
Frasier
Quite something, isn't she?
Tom
Yeah, she's great. I love hearing that accent again.
Martin
[entering] Hey Frasier, I don't have to put a tie on for this joker, do I? [sees Tom]
Frasier
Tom, this is my father, Martin Crane.
Tom
Tom Duran, nice to meet you.
Martin
[shaking hands] I'm sorry about that "joker" business. [Tom waves it off] I call everybody joker, jerk, pinhead, bozo...
Frasier
And amazingly he's free for dinner on short notice. Why don't I just open some of this wonderful wine?
Frasier
Well?
Daphne
Oh, he's a looker. I'm glad you made me put on my lucky bra. He's worth every wire digging into my ribcage.
Frasier
Yes, you've made quite an impression on him too. He thinks you're great!
Daphne
Oh, go on! [giggles] God, listen to me getting carried away like a school girl when I've just met the man. No, I'm not raising my hopes tonight - though I'm glad I raised my bosom.
Martin
Yeah, let me tell you, you're gonna love Seattle. It's a real people place. Great food, great bars...
Tom
I've heard that. Any you recommend?
Martin
Yeah, I usually hang out at a place called Duke's. Great crowd, lot of young cops. [Tom is pleased] So, do you like football?
Tom
Yeah, yeah, I really missed it when I was living in London.
Martin
Yeah, well maybe we can take you to see a Seahawks game sometime. Frasier hates it, so it'd just be us.
Tom
Hey, Frasier warned me about you!
Martin
Yeah, I guess I yell at the players too loud. [laughs]
Frasier
[entering] Here we are, Tom. [hands him wine] Dad, I took the liberty of selecting an amusing little vintage for you too. [hands him a Ballantine] Sorry, I didn't bring the pull-tab so you could sniff it.
Martin
Merci beaucoup. [pronounces it "mercy bow-coop."]
Niles
Hello, Frasier. [takes Frasier's wine glass] Oh, thank you. I just stopped by to return your book. [hands it over]
Frasier
Oh yes, thank you, well don't let me keep you.
Niles
Am I interrupting something?
Frasier
As a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne.
Niles
Ah! Guess you don't want me around then. [walks in] How do you do? I'm Dr. Niles Crane.
Tom
Hi, I'm Tom Duran.
Daphne
[peeks out] Bird's all done. Now all I need is a pair of big strong arms to haul it out of the oven.
Niles
Well, I certainly don't need to be asked twice.
Tom
So, halfway through the interview her stomach starts rumbling. And her body mike's picking it up, but I have to ignore it. Because what am I going to say; "Would her majesty care for a Tums?"
Daphne
I could listen to your stories all night. They're so funny.
Niles
And all involving bodily functions.
Daphne
Tom, I could use a little hand in the kitchen...
Niles
No, no, sit Daphne, after all that cooking you must be... [looks down her frock] absolutely strapless.
Tom
Er, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment?
Niles
Yes. [slaps down silverware]
Tom
I was wondering, did I do anything that offended you?
Niles
No. [angrily throws pots into the sink]
Tom
Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.
Niles
[turns round] Well, if you must know...
Niles
I'm sorry, what was the question?
Tom
[crosses his arms] Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
Niles
[graciously] No.
Frasier
[entering] Now Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk with you all night in the kitchen. There are others who would like to have a crack at him!
Martin
That Tom's a great guy, huh? You think maybe him and Daphne...
Tom
You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening.
Daphne
Oh no, we should be thanking you. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.
Daphne
You've still got Mr. Crane going.
Frasier
Daphne, I think a little after dinner music would be appropriate.
Daphne
Good idea. [she goes to the stereo]
Frasier
She's, er, quite a woman, isn't she?
Tom
[flatly:] Yes, she's really something, [suggestive:] Um, Frasier, I was wondering.
Frasier
Yes?
Tom
Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little one-on-one time?
Frasier
Oh, I think I can arrange that.
Frasier
Daphne!
Daphne
Yes?
Frasier
He says he wants to be alone with you!
Daphne
No!
Frasier
Yes!
Daphne
This really is my lucky bra! Keep the wine flowing, I'll go fix my lipstick.
Frasier
Okay.
Martin
Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack. Don't want to stand in the way of young romance! [hides a grin]
Frasier
Thanks, dad.
Martin
Goodnight, Tom.
Tom
Goodnight, Martin.
Frasier
And Niles, isn't it time you were running along too?
Niles
Yes, I must be on my way. And, Frasier, I must apologise, I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.
Frasier
Good.
Niles
Goodnight Tom, nice to meet you.
Tom
Goodnight.
Niles
Frasier, a word in your ear?
Niles
There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to but I won the coin toss.
Frasier
Yes, what is it?
Niles
Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen and he told me he's interested in pursing a romantic relationship. But, the object of his affections is not Daphne.
Frasier
Damn that Roz!
Niles
No, no. It's you.
Frasier
Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay!
Niles
He seems to be under that impression.
Frasier
Well, what on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions... [clicks] Oh my God! Niles, do you realise what this means?
Niles
Yes, you're dating your boss. You of all people should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
Frasier
Yes, but he... he just never mentioned the fact he...
Niles
[in elevator:] I'll call you tomorrow. But not too early, of course. [the doors close on Niles's laugh]
Tom
So...
Frasier
So... God, I hate this song.
Tom
You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with.
Frasier
Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.
Tom
You're cute when you're nervous.
Frasier
I must be downright adorable now then. Listen Tom, I'm sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here. The truth is I'm entirely straight.
Tom
[puts on his glasses] Hey, if you're not interested just say so.
Frasier
Oh no, it's true, I really am. I just invited you to dinner because you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the British, I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne.
Tom
I can't believe this. You really had no idea that I'm gay?
Frasier
Don't take this wrong, but it never even occurred to me you might be gay.
Tom
Well, it never even occurred to me that you might be straight.
Frasier
[uncertain] Thank you. Geez, Tom, I feel just awful. Seems I've just been leading you on all night.
Tom
[getting his coat] Oh, it's OK. It's an honest mistake.
Frasier
Yes, but I've been pouring you drinks, building up your hopes, making you think you might have found a man sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you...
Tom
[amused] Frasier, I'll learn to love again.
Frasier
[chuckles] Yes, of course.
Tom
You'll apologize to Daphne?
Frasier
For the rest of my days.
Tom
[starts to leave, then] Does this mean your dad's not gay either?
Frasier
No, no, dad's not gay.
Tom
[starts to leave again, then] But Niles - come on! [laughs]
Frasier
[smiles] No, I'm afraid not.
Tom
Huh... so wait a minute, this Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?
Frasier
Well, the jury's still out on that one.