Flour Child

Maggie

[v.o:] It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane: it's just that he's got so attached to me. Roses every day for a week after two dates!

Frasier

Maggie, the first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice long conversation. [Frasier notices Roz shaking her head] A frank and honest discussion, tell him that though he wants to go at one speed you need to go at another. [Frasier notices Roz shaking her head again] Tell him you're not rejecting him and that you're fond of him but if he doesn't give you some breathing room... you know, suddenly I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD holding producer thinks you should do?

Roz

Well, I just think that any guy that's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem. I say dump him now: head to the hills and don't look back.

Maggie

[v.o:] It's so good to hear that, Roz. [Frasier is surprised] That's what I wanted to do but I felt so guilty. Thanks so much, bye. [hangs up]

Frasier

And that takes us to commercial. This, for those of you that may have forgotten, is the [angry:] "Dr. Frasier Crane Show!"

Roz

Here's your new parking pass. I confirmed your dinner reservations for three; at your father's request you'll be dining at "Chez Shrimp."

Frasier

Oh!

Roz

There are two letters that you've got to sign: a card for Clarence the guard that we're all signing, and a letter for the sign-ups for the KACL bowling team - I'll file this right in the trash.

Frasier

Oh wonderful, another card. Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say. Well, at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to. I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake right now, whilst, on applause, a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles!

Roz

What are you grousing about?

Frasier

Oh nothing, nothing.

Frasier

Yes, the pageantry never stops.

Martin

Mr. Fancy-pants! You've gotta buy a German car!

Frasier

It's not my fault it broke down.

Martin

Hey, if you bought American, they wouldn't have to tow your car halfway across the state to get it fixed. That's why I always buy American. Breakdown, you can drive to the nearest garage. I could break down all alone in the middle of Alaska...

Frasier

Finally a thought to raise all our spirits!

Niles

This traffic is murder. I'd suggest we walk home but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker?

Frasier

Yes, Niles! That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals!

Niles

There's no point in being snide. We're all going to be in here for a while, we might as well try and make pleasant conversation. We are a family, after all, it shouldn't be that hard.

Martin

So, you been driving long?

Arleen

Not really.

Martin

I bet you have some pretty good stories, though?

Arleen

You guys ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab?

Martin

Why, did it happen in this cab?

Arleen

No, I think it's about to.

Martin

[shocked:] You're pregnant!

Arleen

Yes. [begins screaming in labor pains]

Frasier

Well, don't panic, it may just be false labor.

Arleen

My water's just broken! I'm sitting in a puddle of water.

Niles

Calfskin, calfskin!

Frasier

Niles!

Martin

I think the closest hospital is First Methodist.

Frasier

Dad, we'll never make it in this traffic. I think we better pull over.

Niles

Please try to park facing down hill.

Frasier

Niles!

Arleen

I can't have my baby here!

Frasier

All right, there's no reason for you to be concerned. You're in the presence of two trained medical professionals. [then] Niles, help the woman.

Frasier

No, Niles! The other door.

Martin

Is anybody there? Come in!

Niles

All right, the most important thing you can do right now is breath deeply. Just do as I do.

Frasier

Are you feeling faint or out of breath?

Niles

[hyperventilating] Yes, both of those.

Man

[v.o:] Hello, go ahead.

Martin

Yeah, I'm calling from cab number... 804. This is an emergency. Your driver, Arleen, just went into labor. We're at the corner of 14th on Sycamore. We need an ambulance here right now, do you hear me? Over.

Man

[v.o:] Yes, I'll get right on it.

Arleen

Ah, it really hurts.

Niles

It's okay, it's natural.

Arleen

No, you're squeezing my hand!

Frasier

Get a hold of yourself, Niles!

Niles

I'm sorry, I only did this once before in medical school. And all I remember is a bright light, lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.

Arleen

You fainted!

Niles

Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Frasier

Oh, Niles get out of there. I'll help her.

Arleen

The baby's coming now!

Frasier

If it does come, I'll be here to catch it. Now listen, just continue with your breathing. [she does] Now, I don't want you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab. No, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure many great Americans have been born this way. Cab Calloway comes to mind. My particular area of medicine is psychiatry and I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portion of the body - it's much less messy that way. Not that your lower half is messy at all, it's quite beautiful... not that I'm looking! [she screams] It's hurting a bit?

Arleen

No, you're driving me crazy! [chucks a cap at him]

Arleen

What, are you a doctor too?

Martin

No, I'm a retired cop.

Arleen

Well, what took you so long?

Martin

Everything's going to be just fine, sweetheart. Now I've delivered more than a few babies in my lifetime and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier's going to hold your hand and help you with your breathing. And Niles is going to look out for an ambulance and I'm going to get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world. Okay?

Arleen

Okay.

Martin

Now, are there any questions?

Niles

Yes, should our meter still be running?

Daphne

[o.s:] Hello? Are you back yet?

Daphne

Well go on, turn your heads.

Daphne

Okay.

Daphne

So, I guess you've had some excitement tonight.

Niles

[the wrong end of the stick:] No, I haven't!

Daphne

Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone. Delivering a baby in a taxi.

Niles

[realising:] Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.

Frasier

Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.

Martin

What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute it's just this blob in some lady's stomach, next minute it's a person. [visualizing:] Blob - Person!

Frasier

The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.

Daphne

I bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born.

Frasier

Oh yes, of course. I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn. And it was as if everything in the universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle."

Martin

At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons being born. In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room, smoking cigarettes and reading "Life" magazine. I still remember the exact article I was reading when Niles was born. It was about Mickey Mantle. Talk about life setting you up for a fall! Well, it's been a long night. I'm turning in.

Frasier

Night, Dad.

Daphne

I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says, [imitating old woman:] "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." [normal voice:] Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." [mother's voice:] "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" [normal, getting carried away:] "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." [old voice:] "But will she drop it?" [normal:] "Oh shut up, mother!" [old voice:] "Don't talk to me like that, young lady..."

Frasier

I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her. [pause] Sherry, Niles?

Niles

No, thank you.

Frasier

You seem awfully reflective, is something on your mind?

Niles

Actually, yes. For the past several months I've noticed my thoughts often drifting to the same subject: will I ever be a father?

Frasier

Ah.

Niles

There are pros and cons, of course, but watching that child's birth tonight I realise it's something I really want... I think.

Frasier

Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings around at your age.

Niles

Uh, er, no, this is more than stirrings. I wake up nights thinking about it.

Frasier

Have you talked this over with Maris?

Niles

Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me. I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood.

Frasier

Well, Niles, no-one's ever really sure. You know, in schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a week as though it were a baby.

Niles

[laughs] You're kidding?

Frasier

No, no, no, they hold it, they care for it, they never let it out of their sight. It gives them a very good idea of the cost and responsibility of being a parent.

Niles

Hmm, that's very clever. What could be better than hands-on experience? Might be worth a try.

Frasier

Well, I wasn't actually suggesting.

Niles

Well, why not? It's the perfect week: Maris is away, I'm desperate to resolve the issue; Frasier, where do you keep the flour?

Frasier

In the kitchen.

Niles

[excited:] In the kitchen.

Frasier

The cabinet next to the sink.

Niles

[opens cabinet and gets out a pack:] Yes! Here it is. [reads] Extra refined. [to Frasier:] It's taking after his old man all ready!

Frasier

No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right.

Frasier

Now, here is the flour. [reads] Bleached, one hundred percent fat free, best when kept in an airtight container. [to Niles:] It seems this one's taking after its mother.

Frasier

Hello, Niles.

Niles

Hello, Frasier, may I join you? Or should I say, may we?

Frasier

Mais oui.

Frasier

I see you're still continuing with our little baby experiment.

Niles

Yes and it's turned out to be quite a learning experience. It's not easy, though. I take him everywhere. Get up for two a.m. feedings, the whole exhausting nine yards.

Niles

What a beautiful baby, how old is he?

Mother

Eight weeks.

Niles

Oh, great age isn't it?

Frasier

Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.

Niles

Oh, it's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other night, never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun and I accidentally ran him through.

Frasier

What young parent doesn't tell that story?

Niles

The scars were just plain carelessness. The fault of my new houseman, Guy.

Frasier

What did Guy do?

Niles

No, no, [next to the same pronunciation:] Guy.

Frasier

Guy.

Niles

Back of the throat, Guy.

Frasier

Oh, who cares?

Niles

He had just given my car the most brilliant shine when I sat the baby on the roof and down it went, down the windshield and onto the driveway. Will you watch him for me while I order?

Roz

Hey, Fras. Is this seat taken? [points to chair with flour]

Frasier

Well, actually... [catches himself:] No.

Roz

[sits] You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off.

Frasier

Clarence?

Roz

Yeah, Clarence the guard.

Frasier

Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.

Roz

You signed his get-well card.

Frasier

You mean that wasn't a birthday card?

Roz

No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.

Frasier

Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!

Roz

How could you think it was his birthday?

Frasier

I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a giant pink bunny rabbit. Do you think he's read it yet?

Roz

No, I don't think so. He was sleeping when I left.

Frasier

I'm going to look like a callous fool. We've gotta get back down there and get that card back.

Niles

[enters] How can you be leaving? [notices baby:] I asked you to baby-sit!

Frasier

Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity, I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient!

Daphne

What does that say? Geb?

Frasier

[looks:] No, no, it's "get." [reads] "Get well soon, love Andrea." Just copy it down, move onto the next name.

Frasier

We'll have to transfer all the old names from this card onto the new card, as quickly as possible, I want to get it back there tonight.

Daphne

So you actually snuck into a man's hospital room and stole his card?

Frasier

I did not sneak in! Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.

Martin

This never would have happened if you had taken the time to find out who this Clarence guy was! You never pay any attention to the little people in your life.

Frasier

Yes, well as soon as we're done with this, why don't we invite all the commoners over to drive me down to the town square and give me a good stoning! [doorbell] That must be Niles. He's going to take me down to the hospital.

Frasier

Hello Niles. [notices]

Niles

Hello Frasier.

Martin

What are you doing with that thing?

Niles

I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.

Martin

Well that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something stupid!

Niles

If it makes you feel any better, I don't wear this in public, I just wanted to get the complete picture of parenthood.

Frasier

And?

Niles

It's driving me batty!

Niles

Oh the feedings every two hours. Constant monitoring where he is, I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail. Well, on the plus side, I've learned a lot. I think if I ever undergo through the real thing I'll make quite a wonderful parent.

Frasier

Niles! What has happened to your child?

Niles

I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.

Frasier

He caught on fire?

Niles

It's not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames!

Niles

Oh, time for his nap.

Niles

Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, dad?

Martin

No.

Niles

I'm role playing, dad.

Martin

Try playing the role of a sane person.

Frasier

So Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood?

Niles

To tell you the truth, no. At one minute I think there's no chance in hell I'll ever be able to stand the stress. The next I find myself daydreaming about taking my son on his first trip to the museum or listening to him pick out his first feeble "F�r Elise" on the piano and I swear there are tears in my eyes.

Frasier

Oh, dear.

Niles

What?

Frasier

Eddie.

Daphne

[Australian accent:] That dingo's got your baby!

Niles

Oh God, Eddie!

Daphne

Don't worry, I'll clean up that mess, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Oh my God.

Martin

For God's sake, Niles, calm down. I think it's time you realized something. That is not a person, it's a bag of flour. There's an easy trick to tell the difference: people don't usually come with pop-over recipes on their backs. This whole thing's stupid. We're talking about having a baby here. You don't make that decision intellectually, you make it in here. [points to his chest] In your gut. You must have a gut feeling, Niles - what is it?

Niles

I'm not sure.

Martin

Well, you better be because no amount of thinking can prepare you for what having a kid is really like. It's hard, full of surprises. Like maybe your kid won't want to take piano lessons or go to the museum. He might want to go to a baseball game.

Niles

Don't even say that.

Martin

Just trust yourself, son. That's all. You'll know if it's right or not.

Frasier

[picks card up:] Well, Niles, I'm finished with this now, if you're ready to take me to the hospital.

Niles

You know Frasier, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself that I'm ready for something when I know in my heart, I'm not.

Frasier

What do you mean?

Niles

I want to have a baby, but I just don't want it enough. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.

Frasier

Why do you say that?

Niles

Oh, because it's so selfish. I'm the right age, I have the money, the energy.

Frasier

Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons. I think more people should do what you did and find out if they're really ready. Look, just because you feel this way now doesn't mean things can't change a few years down the line.

Niles

Perhaps you're right. Of course, Maris and I will be over forty then. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.

Frasier

Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

Niles

You're certainly going to a lot of trouble for this Clarence fellow. Who is he?

Frasier

Beats me. Some guy down at the station.

Clarence

Dr. Crane! It's Clarence. You weren't in there looking for me, were you?

Frasier

As a matter of fact I was, yes.

Clarence

They changed my room.

Mary

Oh, this is so sweet of you.

Frasier

Well, you know, Clarence is such a fixture down at the station. I just haven't felt the same there without him.

Clarence

You find the time to come down here while the rest of those bums at the station don't even send me a card.

Frasier

Gee, Clarence, there's an explanation for that...

Frasier

You see, the others at the station, they just don't know you the way I do. Yes, well you get yourself well and get right back there. I miss seeing you every time I walk by the.... place you tend to be. [calls:] Niles.

Frasier

[calls:] Niles. [enters] Niles, what are you doing?

Niles

Looking at these babies. I can't help wondering if I made the right decision.

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

Oh look at them, they're healthy, beautiful, lovable...

Frasier

Flammable!

Niles

How can I deny myself this experience? Maybe I'm more ready for parenthood than I thought.

Arleen

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Frasier

How funny running into you, and this must be...

Arleen

Yes, little Nathan. Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you. We both want to thank you guys again. So, would one of you like to hold him?

Niles

Yes. [he is thrilled to hold him and does so] Shush! [Nathan starts crying] Why shouldn't you cry? Everything's so new to you, so much to do, a life to live.

Arleen

No, you've got his leg pinned back.

Arleen

Well, see you guys. Say hi to your dad for me. [leaves]

Niles

Perhaps I made the right decision.

Frasier

Oh, I think so. Ready to go?

Niles

Uh-huh.