Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye
Aired 18th October 1994 · Written by Linda Morris andVic Rauseo · Directed by James Burrows
Frasier
Thank you for your call, Lorraine. And now, before we break for a commercial, Roz has an important message. Roz?
Frasier
What's that, Roz? Can't come to the mike right now? Well, what she wanted to say was...
Frasier
Tomorrow, on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat," sociologist Lamont Myman discusses his book, "Violence in the Workplace: Why Co-Workers Kill." Something which becomes more relevant With each passing moment. We'll be right back after these messages.
Roz
Cough it up, you piece of tin!
Frasier
Roz!
Roz
What are you doing out here?
Frasier
One might ask the same question of you. Isn't it customary to wait until the show comes to a complete stop before exiting?
Roz
I have a little urge. [She pounds on the machine again.] Damn it!
Frasier
What is the matter with you?
Roz
[rocking the machine] I have GOT to have some CHOCOLATE! It's kind of a celebration. At 11:07 this morning, I finished one of those magazine diets: Seven Days to a Healthier, Calmer You.
Frasier
Now, Roz. Come on, come on, Roz, come on. Look, I'm doing this for your own good.
Roz
Wait! Something came out. [She reaches in and grabs it.] Oh, damn! Chocolate covered raisins.
Roz
I'd like to meet the idiot that came up with these. Take a grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart and cover it with perfectly good chocolate. [She rips the package open.] What the hell. I'll just suck the chocolate off.
Frasier
Be sure to save what's left, maybe you can make some wine.
Niles
See all those years of finishing school really paid off.
Niles
Mon frere?
Frasier
Hmm?
Niles
We're in luck!
Niles
I've just come back from my broker. Meadow Wood Properties still has one share left in that mini-mall deal, I think we should go halfsies and buy it. Give me five, bro.
Frasier
I'm not giving you anything. I told you I'm not interested.
Niles
You can't afford not to be interested. It's a twelve percent return. We've a chance to make a real killing here.
Frasier
Niles, why is it so important to you? You and Maris are already wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie hogs.
Niles
This has nothing to do Maris. I'm making this investment entirely with my own money.
Frasier
And mine!
Niles
And yours!
Roz
Oh, come on, Frasier, show some understanding. Maris uses her money to emasculate the poor guy, and this is his pathetic attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood. [giving Niles the once-over] Such as it was.
Niles
[un-offended, to Frasier] Well?
Frasier
Twelve percent?
Niles
Net! And, if you're unhappy at the end of the year, I'll buy you out and you can go back to that cozy two percent your bank is giving you.
Frasier
Okay, okay. I'm in.
Niles
Oh, thank you Frasier!
Niles
And thank you, Roz. That "financial eunuch" bit was inspired. Great stuff, great stuff.
Roz
Yeah, well, look what I had to work with.
Martin
Hey, check this baby out: twenty-five cents off on a package of Butter Buds imitation utter.
Frasier
My, I can taste that scampi now.
Daphne
Well?
Frasier
Well, Daphne, very nice.
Daphne
Thank you.
Frasier
No, thank YOU.
Daphne
I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both are right now. I'm going out with Derek again tonight. But I'm having trouble choosing a fragrance. I've got it pinned down to these two. [she sprays one] "Heather" - fresh and bouncy as a spring morning, or [she sprays the other] "Forbidden" — your passport to erotic realms of pleasure.
Martin
How many times you been out with this guy?
Daphne
This is our third date.
Both
Forbidden.
Daphne
Why is it so important this is our third date?
Frasier
[going to the couch and sitting down] Well, Daphne, sexual mores being what they are in America, the third date is usually the place where two healthy adults decide whether or not to... take it to the next level.
Daphne
Excuse me?! What kind of a randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers?!
Daphne
The third date may mean that to you Americans, [She opens the door to reveal Niles.] but it takes more than three dinners to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles
Hello, Daphne. You look even lovelier than usual this evening.
Daphne
Thank you.
Niles
Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier
In every sense of the word!
Daphne
[heading for her room] I think I'll just scrub me neck with an unscented soap. If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin
Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family.
Frasier
[laughing] Good one, Dad!
Martin
I've been savin' it!
Niles
Frasier, I come bearing good news. I just spoke to my broker: Meadow Wood Properties has already leased eighty-five percent of the space in the proposed mini-mall. Instead of twelve percent, they are projecting a fifteen percent return on our money!
Frasier
This is fantastic! What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?
Niles
Yes, but the question remains, what boite?
Frasier
Charise?
Niles
Too noisy.
Frasier
Alsace?
Niles
Too bright.
Frasier
Papillion?
Niles
Too crowded.
Frasier
We've run out of boites.
Niles
A city this size and only three boites.
Frasier
How do we live?
Martin
[coming from his room] Hey, I'm goin' down to Duke's. What are you guys doin'?
Frasier
Well, we're trying to find some place to eat.
Martin
Well, when you get through, why don't you swing by and have a beer with me?
Frasier
At Duke's?
Martin
Yeah.
Niles
Us?
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
With you?
Martin
What am I speaking, Swahili? Yeah! You two. At Duke's. With me. A beer. If you want. Geez!
Niles
My God, do you believe that?
Frasier
No. No one in the family's ever been invited to Duke's.
Niles
Not even Mother, and there were times she could be quite the old rummy.
Frasier
I wonder why now, after thirty years, he's suddenly inviting us down there.
Daphne
Cheerio.
Frasier
Daphne, Daphne. Has Dad said anything to you about us and Duke's? Has he been planning this?
Daphne
You mean... behind your backs?
Niles
Precisely.
Daphne
No! What a couple of Wallys! I mean, I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other. Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles
[standing up] No. Duke's is where Dad hangs up with his cop buddies. Where he goes to escape the stresses, strains and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier
In other words, us.
Daphne
Well, I suppose you could sit around here analyzing why he invited you and end up frittering the night away. Or, here's a thought: you could just go down there and find out for yourselves.
Frasier
You know, for a lay person, she has a way of cuttin' right through the crap, doesn't she?
Niles
Oh, my God, it's a room full of Dads.
Frasier
Oh, look, there he is, there he is! Oh, look at him, holding court. No wonder he likes it down here so much, they're all hanging on his every word.
Niles
Wow, that's the most fun I've ever seen him have without a remote control in his hands.
Martin
Hey, Frasier, Niles! I'm glad you could make it. Yeah, come on in, I want you to meet some of the guys I was on the force with. Hey guys, these are my boys. This is Frasier, he's on the radio.
Joe
[yelling] Hey, this is Marty's kid, the guy on the radio!
Joe
Hey, Frasier. Joe Herman. Nice to meet you. Hey, check this out. "I'm listening."
Frasier
[humoring him] It's like hearing a recording of myself.
Niles
[pulling on Martin's sleeve] Dad? Dad, Dad.
Martin
What? Oh, yeah, and this is my other son, Niles. He's a psychiatrist, too. [No response.] He married money!
Martin
Hey, Duke. Duke, come on, I want you to meet my boys. Yeah, this is Frasier, and this is Niles.
Duke
Hey, how are ya? Hey, how about a couple of Duke's Specials for you guys?
Niles
And what would those be?
Duke
Boilermaker. A shot of whiskey, beer back.
Niles
Oh, darn, we've been drinking those all night. Maybe it's time we switched to sherry. [off Martin and Frasier's looks] Two boilermakers, please.
Duke
It's great finally meetin' you guys. Martin's been tellin' us about you since you were kids.
Frasier
Aw, Dad.
Duke
I tell you Frasier, we all felt terrible when you heard your wife was screwin' around behind your back. What was her name again?
Everyone
Lilith!
Martin
Hey, it was a slow night, all right?! [He grabs his beer and goes out on the floor.] All right, all right everybody, settle down here, settle down. I wanna make a toast. For thirty years, Duke's has been my home away from home. I look around here tonight and I see a lot of friends, and I wanna say I'm gonna miss you. And I'm gonna miss this joint too. And may there be a special place in hell for those SOBs who are tearin' it down to build some damn mini-mall.
Everyone
Yeah!
Martin
Those snivelling, rat-face bastards from Meadow Wood Properties!
Everyone
Yeah!
Martin
To Duke's!
Everyone
To Duke's!
Frasier
Two more!
Niles
Did you talk to your lawyer?
Frasier
Yes, he's examined the contract. Our checks have cleared. I even talked to the general partner, he says there's no way they're willing to even consider moving the site. The deal's going through.
Niles
Maybe we could have Duke's declared a historical landmark, it's been there forty years.
Frasier
I doubt that, Niles. They already tore down Seattle's first Pony Express office to build this place.
Niles
Damn!
Roz
Here you go, guys, one cappuccino, one latte, and hey, these are on me.
Frasier
Oh!
Niles
This guilt is driving me crazy.
Roz
It should, you make about ten times more than I do.
Niles
Duke's was his whole life.
Frasier
Well, Niles, there's nothing we can do about it, really. You know, look at it this way: we're actually doing Dad a service, stopping him from going out and drinking. And the other policemen as well. Maybe we're even performing a community service. Men with guns will have one less place to go and liquor up.
Niles
There's always Roz's place.
Roz
Well, what do you say about me when I'm not around?
Niles
I think the only way I'm going to feel better is if I just bite the bullet and tell Dad.
Roz
The way I see it, your situation is like a woman who has one crazy night and cheats on her boyfriend. And the only reason for this woman to confess is to make herself feel better. So, the best thing she can do is just keep her mouth shut. Unless, of course, her boyfriend walks in on her and the other guy because he decides to come home from Portland on the midnight flight instead of driving back like he said he would, so in that case, he's the liar and why should she feel bad?!
Frasier
Thank you, Roz, for that purely theoretical example. Fact is, I happen to agree with you. Niles, if we tell him now, it will only hurt him. We've got to keep this quiet.
Niles
All right, I just don't think it can be done.
Frasier
Of course it can be done!
Niles
You mean to say, you can look Dad in the eye, day after day, knowing you have destroyed his sanctuary, and not tell him? You can live with that?
Frasier
Niles, you're forgetting: I married Lilith, I can live with anything.
Frasier
You buy into an investment GROUP, Eddie, you don't know!
Frasier
Oh, hi, Dad. What are you doing up?
Martin
Oh, I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier
You need a woman, Dad.
Martin
Tell me about it. Oh, you turned the sign on. That was nice of Duke to give to me. You hold a glass of beer in front of it, it turns green.
Frasier
Dad, Niles and I are investors in the company that's tearing down Duke's.
Frasier
We didn't know! When we found out, we tried to get out of it, but we couldn't.
Frasier
Oh, geez, yell at me Dad, will you please? Just hit me or something, hit me with your cane. Just don't stand there.
Martin
Let me see if I got this right: in the last year, you give my chair away, you lose my dog, and now you demolish my bar. What's next? I'm gonna find out you're the one who shot me in the hip?
Frasier
I have an alibi for that one.
Martin
You have an alibi for everything.
Frasier
Dad, it's not like I did this on purpose, I'm part of a huge investment group.
Martin
You know, I don't get it. You guys stood there and watched me and my friends get all weepy and you didn't say anything.
Frasier
Well, what did you want us to say? "Say fellas, here's something ironic..."
Martin
Well, why the hell didn't you at least tell me?
Frasier
I don't know. I guess... I guess maybe it was because when you invited me down to Duke's, it felt like we were finally getting closer. It was a momentous step.
Martin
It was a beer!
Frasier
Not to me! It was validation. Finally I was one of the guys you wanted to hang out with. I, I didn't want to spoil that.
Martin
I woulda had you down there before, I just figured it was the kinda place you'd look down your nose at.
Frasier
[considering] Well, you're probably right. Anyway, I'm sorry.
Martin
Well maybe I spent too much time at Duke's anyway.
Frasier
What do you mean?
Martin
Oh, you know. When you kids were growing up, maybe if I'd spent less time at Duke's and more time with you, maybe I'd be sittin' across from a son who put so much stock in one beer.
Frasier
You know, I was actually having a pretty good time down there at Duke's. Until I found out I was the one responsible for obliterating it from the face of the planet.
Martin
I liked havin' you there, too, son.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Frasier
Do you mind, Dad? It's driving me crazy, it looks like hell.
Martin
[getting up] Hey, you know what? We got a couple hours before that wrecking ball comes. How 'bout you and I go down there and have one more beer?
Frasier
To Duke's?
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
Now?
Martin
Yeah.
Frasier
You and me? Us, together?
Martin
Oh, not this again!
Frasier
Yeah, yeah, all right, great!
Martin
[returning with a six-pack] Just you, me, and Charlie Ballantine.
Frasier
I'll meet you right back here in a minute.
Frasier
Oh, good evening, Daphne. Or should I say, good morning?
Frasier
How was your... date with Derek?
Daphne
We had a wonderful time. First we went to dinner, then to the symphony. Then we took a lovely moonlight stroll through the park. He's a perfect gentleman, is Derek.
Frasier
Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.
Both
...and I'll be here, in sunshine or in shadow. Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy, I love you so... [Martin signals Frasier to raise his pitch, they finish]
Martin
That was good. That reminds me of old Mickey Doogan. I remember one Fourth of July, we were on mounted patrol, leadin' a big parade down Broad Street. It was a real scorcher that day, musta been a hundred degrees, and I'm sittin' on top of a thousand pounds of hot, sweaty horse. I musta been complainin' a bit, 'cause as we ride by Duke's, Mickey gets fed up and says "If you want a damn beer so bad, shut up and get one." So I ride old Agides right through the front door, right up to the bar and order myself a beer. Duke plays it cool as a cucumber and says "And what'll your friend have?" I say, "Nothin', he's drivin."
Martin
I've told ya that one before, haven't I?
Frasier
Yeah.
Martin
[rising] Oh, what a place.
Frasier
You want another beer, Dad?
Martin
Sure, why not?
Martin
Sun's up. You look around this place, in the golden early morning light... it's still a dump. I'm gonna miss it, though.
Frasier
Yeah, I know what it is to have a neighborhood bar. I remember the last time I walked out of my old watering hole back in Boston. A strangely emotional day.
Martin
It's the people, I guess. Saying goodbye to a lot of people.
Frasier
You know, Dad, just because you're saying goodbye to this place, doesn't mean you can't see your buddies just as much as you always did.
Martin
Yeah, it does.
Frasier
Yeah, you're right.
Martin
But that's life, huh? You move on. Only a fool tries to fight it.
Martin
What are you doing here?
Niles
I'm here to stop the demolition. What are you doing here?
Martin
We came to say goodbye.
Niles
You may not have to. I've alerted my lawyers. I intend to stand here and face down the bulldozers. I'm prepared to take this thing to the highest court in the land.
Frasier
Niles, you don't have to do that. I've had a discussion with Dad, he forgives us.
Martin
Sure son, don't worry about it. It's okay.
Niles
Is it really okay? I think NOT! Because today it's Duke's, but tomorrow, it's Moe's. And the day after that, it's Ernie's Tap Room. See, I'm not just here for you, Dad. I'm doin' this for every little guy out there who found some solace at the end of a hard day by bellying up at his neighborhood bar. I'm here to show faceless corporate America they can't just come in here without so much as a "How de do" and shove the little guy aside. Even when I'M that faceless corporate America! I'm here to fight the good fight, to show those sniveling rat-faced heathens there's still some fury pounding in the heart of John Q. Public!
Niles
On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of progress?