The Botched Language Of Cranes

Frasier

Look at this! My so called "wind proof" umbrella.

Frasier

I might as well use one of those little paper ones they put in Polynesian drinks!

Roz

I've got a big collection of those; they remind me of wonderful evenings that I can't remember. You know, I've got some requests here for some personal appearances. City College wants you to lecture...

Frasier

Fine, just tell me the date.

Roz

Okay. St. Bartholomew's Hospital wants you to emcee their annual benefit.

Frasier

Pass.

Roz

What, you're turning down a hospital?

Frasier

Yes.

Frasier

[without even looking at Roz] Don't look at me that way.

Roz

Hey, I'm with you, I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine, I want a kidney!"

Frasier

Roz, I have as much sympathy for sick people as you do, which is why I said yes when they asked me to appear last year. I bought an Armani tuxedo, spent a week working on my speech, postponed a trip to go see Frederick; then on the morning of the dinner they called me, told me they didn't need me because their first choice had become available: the irrepressible Kathie Lee Gifford!

Roz

God, way to hold a grudge!

Frasier

This is not about spite. This is about dignity. Dignity is a rare and fragile thing. Any other requests?

Roz

Yeah, the Teenage Seattle pageant wants you to be a judge.

Frasier

Oh, I'll do that.

Roz

[looks at him] That's real dignified!

Frasier

A scholarship is involved!

Roz

Right. You're on in ten seconds. We have new sponsors and the sales department wants you to work this copy in as often as you can.

Frasier

Good Afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first a message from our sponsors. [reads paper] "Death is inevitable."

Frasier

"But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved family pet. If you've lost, or are planning to lose, a cherished dog, cat or bird, let Pet Paradise console you with a tasteful Plexiglas memorial bearing the likeness of your departed friend. Pet Paradise - �though your pet may be small, your loss is great.'" [puts down sheet] Who's our first caller, Roz?

Roz

We have Edna on line two, she's a receptionist at a pest control company and she's feeling depressed.

Frasier

Hello, Edna, I'm listening.

Edna

[v.o] Hello, Dr. Crane. I've been working at pest control for fifteen years. I go in every day, answer the same calls, ask the same questions. "What kind of bugs are they?" "Have you seen any droppings?" Then I go to the next person. "What kind of bugs are they?" "Have you seen any droppings?"

Frasier

Edna, I'm a psychiatrist, I can sense where this is going. Now, even the most interesting of lives can become routine. What you need to do is shake up your world, find a new boyfriend, a new job, a new city even.

Edna

You mean move?

Frasier

Certainly there are far easier places to cheer up than this dreary, soggy old city of ours.

Edna

You know something, Dr. Crane, you're right. I don't have to stay here. When you think about it, there's a whole world of vermin out there!

Frasier

Very eloquently put, Edna. Thank you for your call.

Frasier

Speaking of vermin... [reads] "When that special rat of yours turns his little toes up for the last time, don't forget your friends at Pet Paradise. Pet Paradise — �when a shoe box isn't enough.'"

Frasier

Another radiant morning! Morning, dad. Do I drive to work today or just hail a passing gondola?!

Martin

I like the rain, it chases those squeegee guys off the street.

Daphne

Now stay put until I can dry off your feet.

Frasier

There, that ought to do it!

Martin

Oh, Daphne, get that hat off him. Isn't it bad enough we had him neutered?

Daphne

Look, by the way things are going, I don't think I'm going to have children. Just let me dress up the dog!

Martin

I've never seen a dog look that stupid.

Daphne

You'll change your tune when you see the outfit I got him for St. Patrick's Day!

Martin

[reading paper] Hey, get a load of this. Derek Mann mentioned you in his column. "I've been listening to Frasier Crane this week because I've been trying to drop a few pounds; I find his voice makes an effective appetite suppressant!"

Frasier

[dry] How witty!

Martin

[serious] I thought so too. [laughs]

Frasier

Give me that! [takes paper] "Yesterday, I heard him advise an unhappy young woman that she could magically cure her depression simply by leaving Seattle. I know it would cure my depression if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane would take his own advice and leave town as soon as possible!" [folds paper] It's just ludicrous, I never said any such thing!

Daphne

Oh, yes, you did. I heard you. You said Seattle was dreary and if she wanted to spruce up her life, she should leave town.

Frasier

Well, that was just one of several suggestions I made. He took that completely out of context.

Martin

Well, whatever you said, you're gonna apologize, right?

Frasier

What for?

Martin

For insulting Seattle! People round here take a lot of pride in this town, they don't appreciate some radio know-it-all telling them it's rainy and depressing.

Frasier

In case you haven't noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here! For God's sake, the state flower is Mildew!

Martin

Let me tell you something: a city's like a woman. You get one mad at you, it doesn't matter if you're completely right and she's completely wrong, you'll apologize anyway, or you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life!

Daphne

I'm not sure I care for that analogy.

Martin

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Daphne, I was way out of line.

Daphne

[smiles] All right, you're forgiven.

Frasier

You know, Dad, to you, everything is like a woman. A fast car is like a woman, a romantic song is like a woman, good meatloaf is like a woman. Well, a city is not like a woman, it's like a city and I am not apologizing to this one. Even if you won't understand that, Seattle does! And Seattle loves Frasier Crane!

Frasier

Hello, Father Mike.

Mike

Hello, Frasier.

Roz

Look, Dr. Crane was not bashing Seattle, he was sincerely trying to help that woman! Who's our sponsor? Pet Paradise. Well fine, go ahead and boycott them - see how easy it is to flush your dead German Shepherd down the toilet! [hangs up]

Frasier

Don't tell me, was that a complaint about this rain business?

Roz

Yes and thanks to you I've been on the phone all morning.

Frasier

Oh, well, forgive me. From now on I'll stick to subjects like suicide and birth control, stay away from the controversial stuff like weather!

Bulldog

Hey, Doc. I need some advice. I feel a cold coming on and I'm wondering, should I take vitamin C or should I just leave Seattle?! [laughs]

Roz

[hangs up] I hope you're happy! According to Betsy, the switchboard has logged over fifty irate calls!

Bulldog

Fifty?! Damn, you topped my record! The most I ever got was thirty-five when I said that commentary, "Lady Umpires - Finally a Chest Worth Protecting!"

Roz

You know, Frasier, you really should think about apologizing.

Frasier

You know, I'd be the first to apologize if I said anything wrong but I didn't.

Roz

I've got half a dozen calls stacked up in there, and they all said you did.

Frasier

Yes, well, just take messages from all those people — I don't want to talk to them.

Roz

You know, I don't know how to break this to you... but it's a call-in show!

Connie

[v.o.] I don't know how you can say Seattle is a depressing place. I spent the last forty years in this city working the graveyard shift at a cemetery! And let me tell you something, you fat-headed moron: I am probably the most cheerful person you'll ever meet! [hangs up]

Frasier

You're certainly the most cheerful I've met today! [Roz mimes him to smile] Alas, we're out of time. I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, it was not my intent to cause anyone offense but since it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this: I apologize. [Roz is happy] I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live. It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home. Till Monday then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off.

Frasier

Good grief! Never in my life have I heard from such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies. I swear to God, this entire city has lost it's tiny, rain-addled mind!

Roz

[honeyed voice] Dr. Crane, we're still on the air.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz. [presses the button firmly]

Roz

[mad] Now we're off!

Niles

This goes here and that attaches there!

Daphne

Dr. Crane, are you sure you don't want me to try my hand there?

Niles

No, no, Daphne, this is no job for you. You might crack a nail or snag a cuticle. There, are we getting anything?

Martin

Does annoyed count?

Daphne

Oh, hush. If you hadn't bashed it with your cane because your precious Seahawks lost, we wouldn't need a new set now, would we? Isn't there a manual?

Niles

Yes, but unfortunately Stephen Hawking is not here to explain it to us!

Martin

God, I thought the winds had eased up out there!

Frasier

They have.

Daphne

Then what happened to your umbrella?

Frasier

One of my listeners recognized me on the street, he pulled it backwards through a chain link fence! You would not believe the hostility I've encountered. Even at the Café Nervosa, my sanctuary, I thought they were trying out the new cappuccino maker - I turned and saw three tables hissing at me!

Martin

Don't answer that, Daphne.

Daphne

I can't abide the sound of a ringing phone.

Martin

It's just going to be another crank complaining about Frasier, they've been calling here all day!

Frasier

Oh, no, they've got my home number now?!

Daphne

Yes, but, just because the phone rings doesn't mean we have to answer it.

Daphne

Even though it could be Frederick calling to say he loves you or Grammy Moon calling to say her hip's gone out again.

Daphne

Still, we can't be swayed by a little ringing bell. Just because it's going ring... ring... ring.

Daphne

Or in the case of a British telephone: Ring-ring... ring- ring... ring-ring... ring-ring... ring-ring.…

Frasier

Just answer it, for God's sake!

Daphne

Thank you!

Daphne

Crane residence. Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone, may I take a message? [pause] Oh, nice language that! I hope you don't eat with that mouth!

Niles

Daphne, Daphne, excuse me. [takes receiver and speaks into phone] Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way. [pause] Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am! Well, only a coward makes threats over the phone, I dare you to come here and say that to my face. [fake laugh] Never you mind where I live! [hangs up]

Frasier

Is anyone expecting visitors? Well, I suggest we all remain very, very quiet.

Niles

I suddenly have this image of angry villagers wielding torches and pitchforks.

Roz

[o.s] Frasier, open up, it's Roz!

Niles

Oh dear, it's worse than I thought!

Frasier

Roz, what are you doing out on this ungodly night?

Roz

I tried calling but your line is busy.

Martin

Hey, Roz.

Roz

Hey, Martin. How are you doing?

Martin

Great.

Roz

Is that a new TV?

Martin

Yeah.

Roz

It looks great. Did you get it hooked up yet?

Martin

No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first!

Roz

Martin you're awful. [laughs] Frasier, after you left, the station manager stopped by. He's taking a lot of heat from the sponsors and he says if you cannot smooth this over, he may have to suspend you.

Frasier

Suspend me? Well, what's he going to put in my timeslot?

Roz

He'd have to run "The Best Of Crane."

Martin

What will he do on the second day?

Frasier

I don't know how I'm ever going to smooth this over. The entire city is out to lynch me.

Roz

Tell me about it. This guy I know at the gym cancelled on me when he found out I worked for you. You've been alienating my boyfriends!

Frasier

Oh, well, we can't afford to lose a demographic as large as that!

Roz

Look, what we need here is a little damage control. Now it's still not too late to call the people at St. Bart's hospital and tell them you'll speak at their fundraiser.

Frasier

After the way they treated me last year?

Roz

It's a big event, there'll be lots of media there, this is a perfect chance for you to redeem yourself.

Martin

Listen to Roz.

Frasier

Oh, Dad, just stay out of this!

Martin

[already in it] Why? If you take my advice...

Frasier

I did take your advice, I apologized.

Martin

Oh, so sincerely!

Roz

What is the big deal? You'll make a few jokes, a few self- deprecating remarks, you'll be helping sick people and showing everyone you know how to laugh at yourself.

Niles

I think it's a brilliant suggestion.

Roz

My God, Niles, did you just compliment me?

Niles

Indeed I did. You're very savvy, Roz. You remind me of one of those cleverly amoral PR flacks who sell their services to industries that pollute!

Frasier

You really think it's a good idea, Niles?

Niles

Well, worked for Nancy Reagan. After her first year in the White House she was widely criticized for her lavish spending. She responding by appearing at a satirical dinner wearing cheap store clothes and performing "Secondhand Rose."

Daphne

And that made people like her again?

Niles

Yes, briefly.

Frasier

Oh, what the hell. Tell them I'll emcee. You know, better yet, tell them I'll take a whole table at the banquet.

Roz

I already did. [hands tickets] You owe those nuns eight hundred bucks.

Frasier

Eight hundred...?

Roz

Don't mess with them!

Frasier

I've put myself in such a precarious position, I've got to choose my material very carefully.

Niles

Ooh, I know some good jokes.

Frasier

No, Niles, you don't!

Roz

If it's jokes you need, feel free to use some of mine.

Frasier

[laughs] I'm sure the nuns would just love that. Why don't I call Bulldog and ask him for a couple of limericks from his Nantucket series?! I'll just call Father Mike, I'm sure he knows a couple of inoffensive jokes.

Frasier

[into phone] Hello? Yes, well, you know, I don't care how you feel! I want to use the phone right now! [hangs up] Daphne, your grandmother's hip was out again.

Joselia

I do hope you'll have some humorous stories for us. Though, of course, nothing too racy or risqué.

Frasier

Oh, no, no, of course not, I wouldn't dream of it.

Joselia

Good. Last year, Kathie Lee Gifford told the most unfortunate story involving newlyweds and a ski lift!

Mike

Hello, all. Thank you for coming out for such a good cause.

Martin

Hey, I'd support this cause anytime. St. Bart's is where I had my hip surgery, they treated me good.

Mike

Oh, I just saw Frasier. I must say, he seems a bit nervous.

Roz

Well, he ought to be, there's a lot riding on his performance tonight.

Daphne

Well, thank goodness he's got that sweet old nun there to comfort him.

Martin

[looks over] She's not so sweet! That's Sister Joselia, the scrubbing nun! Better known as "The Terror of Ward Three"!

Daphne

Do you remember her?

Martin

Hey, you know that nightmare where I wake up screaming, "Not the sponge! Not the sponge!"

Roz

You know when I was a girl, I considered being a nun.

Mike

Really, what changed your mind?

Roz

[grasping] I didn't want to work weekends!

Martin

Hey, where did Maris go?

Mike

Well, I believe Mrs. Crane is over there. [points her out]

Niles

Where? [notices] Oh, bless her busy little heart, she's cornered Lydia Beaumont, head of the museum board. Maris has been angling to get on that board for years.

Martin

It looks like Lydia's getting away.

Niles

Oh, yes, the old freshen-the-drink ploy. Poor old Lydia has no idea with whom she's dealing. That's right, Maris, chug that sherry, on with the chase! There she goes, she's gaining, she's gaining, she's coming round the ice sculpture; It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, and... Yes! They meet again!

Niles

I fully expect they'll be board mates before they clear away the desserts.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, we were just saying how handsome and confident you were looking.

Frasier

Really?

Niles

Absolutely! [hands over a handkerchief] Forehead.

Mike

Did you memorize those jokes I gave you?

Frasier

Yes, yes, they're the reason I look so handsome and confident.

Roz

Shouldn't they have started this thing by now?

Frasier

Oh, well, we're waiting for Bishop Cologie, he's supposed to be introducing me.

Mike

I'm sure he'll be here any minute. Break a leg, Frasier.

Martin

Now, listen, I've done a few bolwing banquets in my time - the thing to remember is keep smiling and look like you're having a good time.

Frasier

Right.

Martin

And if a joke bombs, don't pay any attention to it. Do what Johnny Carson used to do - just make a joke about how bad it is. [impression] Hmmm? Bomb-o!

Martin

I miss that guy!

Roz

Your dad's right, Frasier, just go up there and be confident.

Frasier

Yes, well, I'll do that just as soon as I find a men's room.

Niles

Oh, you'll be fine, you've just got a few butterflies in your stomach.

Frasier

Not for long, I won't. I'll be right back.

Mike

Good evening, I'm Father Mike Mancuso and I've just been asked to make a very sad announcement. As you now, every year, our guest speaker has been introduced by Bishop Cologie, our chairman and host of the popular Sunday morning cable TV show, "Pancakes and Parables." However, we've just been informed that the Bishop has suffered a terrible accident. [audience gasp] It seems that he was out fishing this afternoon when his boat was hit by a storm and capsized. At the moment he remains missing. However, I will keep you abreast of any further developments.

Niles

Why does everything happen to Frasier?

Mike

But, fazed as you are, we know how much this evening means to the Bishop and how he delights in entertaining us each year with his biblical hand shadows. We also know that he would be the first to insist that we proceed without him. So, I'm going to step in and introduce this year's speaker. Won't you extend a cordial, gracious welcome to my friend and colleague, Dr. Frasier Crane. [Dr. Crane is nowhere to be seen] Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane?

Mike

Ah...

Frasier

Thank you, Father Mike. Thank you very much. I can't tell you what a honor it is to be here this evening. I expected the Bishop to introduce me but I'm sure he'll drift in eventually.

Frasier

You know, it's a real comfort to see so many priests out there in the audience. These days I don't dare speak in public without someone standing by who can perform the last rites. [audience are appalled] Whoa! Very religious crowd, I see. I can tell because of the vow of silence! [to a priest] I hope you've got some holy water standing by there, father, I'm dying here. And speaking of water! That reminds me of a little story. A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest, are all sitting at the bar on the Titanic...

Joselia

Dr. Crane, the Bishop!

Frasier

Oh, well, I heard the story with a priest, but what the heck, a bishop's even funnier. Thank you, Sister. Okay, then, a Rabbi, a Minister and a Bishop are all sitting at the bar when the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news.

Roz

[stands in a plea] Frasier, the Bishop is lost at sea!

Frasier

Hey, look, are you telling this story or am I?!

Roz

Frasier...

Frasier

Come on, lady, I work alone! All right, hey, thank you.

Frasier

All right, anyway, so the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news about the boat. So, the Rabbi gets up and says, "My God, my people will need me." The Minister's about to leave when the Priest said - oops, oh, sorry - the Bishop says, "Sit down, relax, have another drink. I'm sure that the Rabbi can handle it." And the Minister says, "My God, man! How can you abandon your flock when we've just hit an iceberg?!" And the Bishop says, "An iceberg?! I thought he said we had no ice aboard!"

Frasier

Hello? [taps microphone] Is this thing on? [imitating Johnny Carson] Whoa! Bomb-o!