The Candidate

Martin

All right, now. Quiet, it's getting ready to start.

Announcer

The following is a paid political announcement for Holden Thorpe.

Niles

You dragged us over here to see a commercial for Holden Thorpe?

Martin

Shh!

Frasier

The man is a fascist. He's like Himmler without the whimsy.

Announcer

And now another American for Holden Thorpe.

Martin

[on television] Hi, I'm Marty Crane.

Frasier

Oh, dear God.

Martin

[on television] For thirty years I was a cop walking The beat in Seattle. Then my hip was shattered by an assassin's bullet - an assassin who wouldn't have been on the streets if it weren't for those bleeding hearts we sent to Congress.

Martin

I used to carry a gun. Now I carry a cane. I'm voting to elect Holden Thorpe. He's running because I can't.

Martin

Well?

Daphne

Oh, Mr. Crane, I don't know what to say. I'm in a state of shock.

Niles

Aren't we all?

Daphne

I mean, you were wonderful! [she hugs him] This calls for a celebration. What'll you have?

Martin

Oh, give me a beer.

Frasier

Dad... how did this happen?

Martin

Well, I took a walk to the park last week and they were having a rally for Thorpe. So I started to talk to one of his people and told him I was an ex-cop and the next thing you know they were shoving a camera in my face.

Frasier

This is appalling. Those people are exploiting you.

Martin

No, they're not. I like Thorpe.

Niles

Oh, how could you support that odious little hosehead? I once heard him say, "Cancer aside, tobacco is good for the economy."

Martin

Well, I like him. He's gonna put more cops on the street.

Daphne

[bringing Martin his beer] Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt. Now that everyone and his brother's walking around armed. Makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.

Frasier

You don't need guns, you've got kidney pie. [The phone rings] Hello? [to Martin] It's Duke.

Martin

Oh!

Niles

Sherry?

Frasier

I couldn't possibly, Niles. I'm too upset.

Martin

Oh yeah, yeah. I'm glad you liked it, Duke. Yeah, it was fun. Hey, I got a lot of showbiz secrets to tell you. You know they can make you cry on cue by pulling a hair out of your nose? What? Really? Oh, guys, quick, over here- channel 14, they're running my other spot! Hey, Duke, this one was my idea. Remember when Lyndon Johnson lifted up his shirt to show his scar?

Martin

[v.o.] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. Crime isn't pretty. And if you don't believe me, look at this!

Waitress

Can I help you, sir?

Frasier

Yes, what are your specials today?

Waitress

Kenyan blend.

Frasier

No, no, no, no. Still poaching elephants over there. Got something else?

Waitress

Dark roast Brazilian.

Frasier

Not until they do something about the loss of our rainforests.

Waitress

Salvadoran?

Frasier

No, I've never forgiven them for their human rights violations.

Waitress

Well, then we're down to the Hawaiian Kona blend. Or, have they slaughtered too many macadamia nuts?

Frasier

[gives her a look, then] That'll be fine, thank you.

Frasier

Niles.

Niles

Frasier, I can't stand it. I just walked by an electronics store and there in the window were twenty-two television sets and on every screen was Dad's... [looks around]...butt.

Frasier

[nods] I saw it. I don't know which is worse - seeing his butt, or what it stands for. I just can't believe that our father is actually endorsing that self-serving fearmonger. [they sit at a table]

Niles

I've been giving this a lot of thought. And I realized Dad isn't the problem. He's just supporting the candidate of his choice. The problem lies with us.

Frasier

Us? We haven't done anything.

Niles

Exactly. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

Frasier

Edmund Burke.

Niles

I have that quotation in a frame. I keep meaning to put it up in my office but I never seem to get around to it. [the waitress brings Frasier's coffee] Anyway, Frasier, I think the time has come for you and me to get involved.

Frasier

What are you suggesting?

Niles

I propose we throw our support behind Thorpe's opponent, Phil Patterson.

Frasier

Well, of course I intend to vote for Patterson.

Niles

I had something a little more ambitious in mind. I spoke to some people down at Patterson's headquarters this morning, and your name came up. They'd like you to film a TV spot endorsing their candidate.

Frasier

Niles, listen. I'd really love to help, but surely you must realize that as a radio psychiatrist, I can't take a chance of alienating my listeners. The people that need my help might be reluctant to call in if they knew my political views.

Niles

Well, I wish you'd at least think about it. A candidate like this doesn't come along that often. He's hard-working. He volunteers weekends at a soup kitchen. He really cares about people. Finally, a politician who believes in the things we believe in.

Boy

Buy a box of chocolate - send a kid to camp?

Niles

Excuse me, can't you see we're talking here?!

Frasier

Thank you for your call, Susan. We'll be right back after this message.

Thorpe

[sound of sirens and guns] Crime - it's epidemic. It strikes fast and it can strike you. I'm Holden Thorpe. You should send me to Washington because...

Frasier

[cutting off the sound] It's better than having you here!

Roz

[entering Frasier's booth] Piece of work, isn't he? He makes it sound like it's either vote for him or be found murdered in your bed.

Frasier

Oh, I wouldn't be concerned if I were you, Roz. What are the chances of finding you there alone?

Bulldog

Hey, sports fan, how they hangin'?

Frasier

Okay, Bulldog.

Bulldog

I was talking to Roz.

Roz

Ten seconds.

Thorpe

So vote for me. My crime program will give the streets back to the people-

Frasier

[cuts it off; on air] That's good. Because with your tax program, that's where they'll be sleeping! Welcome back, Seattle. We'll be back for just one more phone call after this news break. And then next up, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe- [Bulldog blows his whistle and bangs a gong in Frasier's ear] and the Gonzo Sports Show. [off air] I've asked you not to do that!

Bulldog

Way to be impartial, Doc. [honks horn] You know, I happen to think Thorpe's a good man. Who you voting for, that pretty boy Phil Patterson?

Roz

[enters] Yeah, Patterson's great. His reapportionment plan makes a lot of sense.

Frasier

Forget it, Roz. He's happily married.

Bulldog

[chuckling] Yeah, so's Thorpe. Go figure. His wife's a cow and he still loves her.

Frasier

There's a bumper sticker.

Bulldog

Be back in a minute. [leaves]

Roz

[through the glass] Hey, I liked that little shot you took at Thorpe. Although our next caller doesn't seem to share your opinion.

Frasier

Oh, really? Well, put him on. I welcome contrasting viewpoints. [on air] Hello, Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have on the line?

Roz

On line one we have Holden Thorpe.

Roz

Go ahead, caller.

Thorpe

[v.o.] Crane, Thorpe. Let me ask you something. Are you married?

Frasier

Divorced.

Thorpe

You ever serve in the military?

Frasier

Well, actually, I have congenitally weak ankles, it's a family problem.

Thorpe

I see, I see. So a guy like you - unmarried, didn't serve his country - sees fit to criticize a patriotic family man who fought in the Battle of Grenada. I went in on the first wave, by the way.

Frasier

On a surfboard, I suppose?

Thorpe

If you ask me, the day we get the likes of you off the radio will be the day America will be a nice, friendly place to live again.

Frasier

All right, you've said your piece, now you're gonna listen to mine! [Thorpe hangs up] Hang up on me, will you?! Well, all right, even though you may not be listening, the people of Seattle are gonna hear what I have to say!

Roz

No, they won't. The show ended five seconds ago, I had to send it to traffic.

Frasier

Oh, hello there. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show, but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen. [stands] As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about the little people. That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.

Phil

Thanks, Frasier. [facing camera] Together, we can live the dream.

Frasier

Phil Patterson: the sane choice.

Director

Okay, guys. Give us about five minutes to adjust the lights and then we'll shoot it.

Frasier

Great.

Niles

Yes, yes, adjust those lights. They need to be, uh, lighter and... you know, brighter.

Phil

Thanks again, Frasier.

Niles

Oh, our pleasure, Phil. The Crane family has a long history of political involvement. You know, my wife Maris actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

Daphne

Hello, there.

Frasier

Oh, Daphne... I thought we agreed you'd keep him out of here for two hours.

Daphne

Well, I walked him around the park, but you know how he gets. He starts whining and whimpering until you can't stand it any longer.

Phil

[bending down to pet Eddie] Oh, don't let them talk about you like that, little fella.

Martin

[coming in the door] She was talking about me. Hi, Marty Crane.

Phil

Phil Patterson. [they shake hands] You look familiar, Mr. Crane, but I can't quite place you.

Martin

Oh, let me give you a hint.

Frasier

Dad! [he shoos Martin away]

Martin

Just trying to help the guy!

Frasier

My father did a commercial for your opponent.

Phil

Yes, it came back to me.

Daphne

Hello, Daphne Moon.

Phil

Hi. [shakes hands]

Daphne

You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page two and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper.

Phil

[struggling for words] Well, thank you, Miss Moon. [she leaves]

Frasier

Say, Phil, it's getting a little hot in here. You want to step out on to the balcony with me, get a little fresh air?

Phil

Great. [as they walk out] Oh, beautiful view.

Frasier

Thank you. Yes, you know, I feel very lucky living here. I'd like to say I feel lucky to be a part of your campaign as well.

Phil

Oh, it's me who's lucky. It's quite a boost for an underdog to get an endorsement from Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Oh, I don't know if my name carries that much weight.

Phil

Oh, come on, people love you. I've listened to your show. To tell the truth, I've even thought of calling in.

Frasier

Really? What for?

Phil

Oh, it's... kind of sensitive.

Frasier

Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist, anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence.

Frasier

You know, it's funny how the more you bottle things up inside, the bigger they seem to be.

Phil

Well, I've never told anybody this before, but... okay, here goes. Six years ago... I was abducted by aliens.

Frasier

Aliens?

Phil

They transported me up to their spaceship for a kind of conference. They're very concerned about what we're doing to our planet. [Frasier stares at Phil] Hey, you were right. Now that I've said it out loud, it doesn't seem like that big a deal.

Frasier

[far away] No...

Niles

They're ready for you, gentlemen. Come on in here and let's elect a Congressman!

Niles

Frasier? [He gestures for Frasier to come in, but he doesn't move] Frasier?

Director

We're rolling. And... action.

Frasier

[in his chair] Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen... a deeply concerned citizen.

Frasier

As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. [stands] I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about... [whimpering] ...the little people.

Frasier

That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.

Phil

Thanks, Frasier. [shakes his hand and faces the camera] Together, we can live the dream.

Frasier

Phil Patterson: [almost in tears] The sane choice.

Director

Okay, cut it!

Frasier

God, I'm burning up!

Director

Frasier, you were a little nervous on that one. Why don't you take a couple of minutes and we'll try it again.

Martin

I got mine on the first take.

Niles

Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?

Niles

What's going on in there? You look like a zombie!

Frasier

Oh God, Niles! I've got something I'd really like to get off my chest. [sits at a bar stool] But if I told you I'd be violating a doctor-patient confidence.

Niles

Oh, I see. Well, nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics. [sits opposite Frasier] Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them. For the next few minutes, I'll be your psychiatrist, and then you can spill your guts with impunity.

Frasier

Well, it's borderline, but I'm desperate!

Niles

All right.

Frasier

Just now, on the balcony, Phil Patterson told me that he had been... abducted by aliens. [Niles stares] Apparently, he was beamed up to the mother ship, for a little interplanetary chitchat!

Niles

This is bad, isn't it?

Frasier

Niles, this is incredible. It's just awful. We're gonna look like such idiots!

Niles

We?! The whole thing was your idea. I knew I should never have let you get me into politics!

Frasier

My idea?!

Frasier

Oh my God, Niles, stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere!

Niles

All right, what are we going to do?

Frasier

Well, I think we have to convince Phil to drop out of the race and seek professional help.

Niles

If Phil drops out, then Thorpe will win.

Frasier

Forget it, Niles!

Niles

Well, then you can forget education, and the environment, and funding for the arts...

Frasier

Are you saying I should still back Phil?

Niles

All right. Answer me this: can you tell me with any certainty that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?

Frasier

[glares] At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen!

Niles

All right, all right, all right. Let's assume that it's in his imagination. How often does he see these aliens?

Frasier

Well, it's only happened the one time.

Frasier

Which might suggest that it was an isolated incident brought on by overwork rather than a pattern of paranoid delusion.

Niles

My diagnosis exactly!

Frasier

Phil has worked hard.

Niles

Yes.

Frasier

He deserves his chance.

Niles

Yes.

Frasier

He's still gotta seek professional help.

Niles

[forceful] Yes! The best there is. But we're not going to turn our backs on him three weeks before the election.

Frasier

No, damn it, we are not. [they shake hands] So, will you treat him?

Niles

[as they exit] Are you kidding? I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!

Roz

I think it's time I get my eyebrows waxed. I'm starting to get that Romanian peasant look again. Of course, it doesn't help that I didn't get any sleep last night.

Frasier

Dating a snorer?

Roz

You know, Frasier, I'm getting just a little tired of your constant insinuation that I sleep around. I didn't get any sleep because of that idiot Chopper Dave. When he gets bored doing traffic reports he likes to buzz people's apartments in his helicopter.

Frasier

Oh, I can see how that would be annoying.

Roz

Well, it didn't bother me much, but the guy I was with is a Vietnam vet and he started having flashbacks.

Bulldog

Greetings, losers! Have you heard the great news?

Frasier

What, one of your overpaid idols passed his urine test?

Bulldog

Yeah, laugh all you can. Word's out about your pal Patterson and those aliens of his.

Frasier

Oh, my God!

Roz

What aliens?

Bulldog

It's all over TV!

Frasier

How did they find out?

Bulldog

What, are you kidding? You can't keep something like this quiet. Every station in town is serving his bleeding heart up on a platter.

Frasier

Isn't that just like the media? The day before the election they find one tiny flaw in a man and they try to ruin his career! Well, you know what? I have my own conduit to the public's ear. I'm not letting Phil go down without a fight! [he storms into his booth]

Roz

What aliens?

Bulldog

Turns out Patterson's got a couple of illegal aliens from Guatemala working in his house. No greencards, no documents, no chance!

Frasier

[on air] Hello, Seattle. I'm back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I have just learned during the commercial break that it has become public knowledge that Phil Patterson, candidate for Congress, believes in aliens from outer space.

Frasier

Not only does he believe in them, he believes he has met with them. That he was beamed aboard their spaceship for a little interplanetary t�te-�-t�te. [Roz shakes her head at him to stop] Shocked? Well, all right. [Roz knocks on the glass, he ignores her] But I say, let's ask ourselves these questions. Has this...

Frasier

...harmless delusion, most likely brought on by overwork and sleep deprivation, adversely affected his voting record in any way? I ask you, and I say no. What great leader doesn't have his quirks? Ronald Reagan saw an astrologist. General Patton believed in reincarnation. Even J. Edgar Hoover let his slip show once in a while!

Frasier

People, we're talking about a great leader here! We shouldn't concern ourselves with these minor eccentricities. What's important - what really counts - is what's in here... I'm pointing at my chest now.

Announcer

The results from the last precinct are in. Holden Thorpe has been elected to Congress, garnering a whopping ninety- two percent of the vote.

Daphne

Well, at least Mr. Patterson got eight percent.

Martin

Yeah, well, they must have been counting absentee votes from the planet Krypton!

Daphne

Oh, come on now, Dr. Crane. It wasn't all your fault. I'm sure having those Guatemalans in his home would have cost him some votes anyway. [exits]

Frasier

Those Guatemalans were exchange students! Phil was giving them free room and board as a goodwill gesture between countries.

Martin

Well, I'd like to stay here and gloat, but I gotta get changed to go to the big celebration down at Thorpe headquarters. Hey, you're welcome to tag along if you'd like. You're quite a hero down there!

Frasier

No, thank you. [he hits himself on the forehead] Stupid, stupid, stupid! [then] When will I learn it hurts when I do that?

Frasier

Oh, Phil. Come on in.

Phil

Hi Frasier. Thank you. I just came by to return this good- luck tie you loaned me. [hands him the tie]

Frasier

Yes, well, I saw you wearing it on television when you made your concession speech.

Phil

It was a little embarrassing having to do it before lunch. But it gave me some time to run some errands and pick up my dry cleaning.

Frasier

Phil, I am so sorry about the misunderstanding...

Phil

Oh, it's okay. I know you didn't do it on purpose. You thought you were defending me.

Frasier

The people of Seattle deserve something better than Holden Thorpe.

Phil

That's politics. And it's just one election. I'll be back.

Frasier

You really think you can?

Phil

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I like to believe anything's possible. [he starts to leave]

Frasier

Phil? I've gotta ask you... do you really believe it happened?

Phil

I honestly wish I could say it didn't, but it did. I guess you'll never believe it unless it happens to you.

Frasier

So, what's next for you?

Phil

Maybe I'll run in California. A thing like this could actually help me there.

Frasier

Anything's possible...

Frasier

Oh, very funny, Chopper Dave!