Adventures In Paradise (Part 1)

Frasier

Hi, we're back. Roz tells me we have Chester on the line. [connects] Hello, Chester. How can I help you?

Chester

[v.o.] I don't know. I've had a lot of fights with my wife lately. She feels I'm just wasting my life, standing still—

Frasier

Spinning your wheels?

Chester

Huh? I don't follow.

Frasier

Chester, I'm afraid this problem might be just a little too complex for the few seconds we have remaining. Uh, why don't you try to call us back tomorrow, I'll make sure that you get on first thing.

Chester

Gee, it's awful tough to get through.

Frasier

Well, I'll tell you what, hang tight and when I get off the air I'll pick up and try to help you then.

Chester

Take your time.

Frasier

O.K., everybody, I've got to scoot. Bulldog's up next after the news with the Gonzo Sports Show. Today's topic: What's wrong with our Seattle Mariners? If you haven't had a chance to voice your opinion on that in the last eighteen years, you'll want to today! So long, all.

Frasier

Well, Roz, that was a pretty good show!

Roz

[distracted] Mmm-hmm.

Frasier

Well, what are you reading so intently?

Roz

Oh, it's, uh, "Seattle" magazine, it's their "up-and-comers" issue — the hottest hundred men and women in town.

Frasier

Oh, let me see.

Roz

Don't you want to finish up with Chester?

Frasier

Oh, you heard him, he can wait. [flips through it]

Roz

If you're looking for yourself, you're not in there.

Frasier

Oh. [keeps flipping]

Roz

And your brother Niles isn't in there either.

Frasier

Cool! [notices] Oh, my. Who is this fresh angel? Madeline Marshall, #47.

Roz

Ooh, manufactures her own line of sportswear!

Frasier

God, she's a stunning woman. "Single, patron of the arts, MBA at Stanford" - well, if you have to go to school on the West Coast. Oh, oh, oh, and what she looks for most in a man: "someone who knows how to... listen." Roz, I'm in love!

Roz

Well, why don't you call her up and ask her out?

Frasier

Oh yeah, right.

Roz

Well, I'm serious, Frasier! What have you got to lose?

Frasier

I couldn't just call her out of the blue! She doesn't even know who I am!

Roz

You're on the radio, a lot of people know who you are.

Frasier

Yes, well then why am I not in this magazine?

Roz

Because those are important people. [picks up the phone] Come on, I'll gonna call her up.

Frasier

Oh, no, no!

Bulldog

Hey, doc!

Frasier

Bulldog.

Bulldog

Just got back from the gym! Did an hour on the Stairmaster! What do you think? [turns around and slaps his buttocks] Like a couple of little cherry tomatoes, huh?

Frasier

Thank you, Bulldog, you've just put me off salads for a month.

Bulldog

[sees the magazine] Hey, what have we got here?

Roz

Hello, is Madeline Marshall there? Dr. Frasier Crane.

Bulldog

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! This Madeline Marshall, you know her?

Frasier

Well, no, no, I found her attractive, and Roz insisted on calling her.

Bulldog

Wow, small wonder: smart, sophisticated, and I like a woman who doesn't wear underwear.

Frasier

She's wearing a business suit.

Bulldog

That was a general comment.

Roz

Hi, Miss Marshall? Could you please hold for Dr. Crane? Thank you.

Frasier

Oh, all right. "Once more unto the breach." [picks up and punches line one] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I know we've never met, but you know, from everything I know about you, you just seem like the most fascinating person. I was just wondering if — well, why don't I just come out and say it? Would you be so good as to have dinner with me tonight? Oh well, well, that's very gracious of you to accept, Chester, but I didn't mean you. [to Roz] Roz, you could have told me Madeline was on line two!

Roz

You could have asked.

Daphne

Mr. Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer?"

Martin

Serial killer, why?

Daphne

Oh, just letting my old mum know what's going on in Seattle. She worries when she doesn't hear from me.

Martin

Hey Niles, how about a nice Havana to go with that wine?

Niles

Thank you! [then] Aren't Cuban cigars illegal?

Martin

Yeah, I got a friend in Customs over at Sea-Tac. He confiscated them from some high school teacher who claimed he was bringing them into the country for a civics lesson! I mean, when are people going to learn? Rules are only rules when they apply to everyone!

Daphne

Oh, I love to see a man with a cigar. [Niles turns toward her, leaving Martin hanging] It reminds me of my grandfather. Morning to night, he used to sit with a great big stogie dangling from his lips. Oh, the hours we kids used to spend sitting on his lap, playing with the yellow whiskers beneath his nose. Then he'd take out his teeth with the cigar still in them and chase us around the room! We'd all laugh and laugh... then suddenly Grampa's mood would change and we'd all have to run for our lives. You can't buy memories like that.

Frasier

Damn it! Eddie, I know you took the socks that go with this suit. Now where are they?

Frasier

Brown socks with a blue suit? I think not, try again. [Eddie pulls a pair of black ones from under the cushions] Thank you.

Niles

And where are you off to?

Daphne

Dr. Crane has a blind date tonight.

Niles

Really, with who?

Frasier

Madeline Marshall. She has her own sportswear concern, and according to "Seattle" magazine, she is the forty-seventh hottest person in Seattle.

Niles

That article was a sham.

Martin

Not in it, huh?

Niles

Can you believe it?

Frasier

Yes, well, I'm off! You know, I have a good feeling about tonight. I have a song in my heart, a little dance in my step, and dog saliva around my ankles!

Frasier

Thank you.

Madeline

This is wonderful! I've never even heard of this place.

Frasier

Oh well, my goodness, you're in for a treat. Degas is the pinnacle of French country dining. It's just Etienne Degas, his wife and daughter, and they'll treat us as if we were family. Well, you know, I couldn't help being flattered when you told me that you knew my show. Can I count you among my devoted listeners?

Madeline

Well, actually my secretary listens to it — but I try to catch as much as I can when I cross back and forth through her office.

Etienne

Bonsoir, monsieur, madame, and welcome to Degas. Our special tonight is our fabulous crispy duck!

Frasier

Oh, yummy. And to start off we'll have a bottle of the Chateau Neuf du Pape '89.

Madeline

Ah, the only one in that decade to outdo the '88. That's the one to get!

Etienne

Ah, excellent choice!

Frasier

You know wine.

Madeline

Well, I try to make it a point to acquaint myself with the finer things in life.

Frasier

Oh well, what would you like to know about me? [laughs]

Madeline

[laughs, then] Well, for starters, why is a man as charming as you still out there?

Frasier

Well, actually, I... I'm recently divorced.

Madeline

Oh, thank goodness. For a second there I thought you were one of those strange single men still living with his parents! [laughs]

Frasier

Yeah, yeah, your heart really has to go out to those sad sacks.

Madeline

I'm divorced also.

Frasier

Oh well, we have so much in common.

Madeline

I caught him cheating with my sister.

Frasier

Fabulous! [off her look] The same thing happened to me.

Madeline

Boy, my sister gets around!

Frasier

It's good to see that you've still kept your sense of humor.

Madeline

Yeah, but it isn't easy to get over something like that, is it?

Frasier

No... no, it's not. [sighs] Those nights when you ask yourself how could this have happened? Was I insensitive to her needs?

Madeline

Was I too devoted to my work?

Frasier

Was I simply not good enough in bed? [off her look] You'll reach for anything!

Etienne

[o.s.] Qu'est-ce que tu me racontes, alors?!

Yvette

[o.s.] No, Papa!

Etienne

What are you telling me, you are pregnant?!

Mrs. Degas

[o.s.] Keep your voice down!

Yvette

[crying] I told you, Mama! I told you he would be like this!

Etienne

Who is the father?! I want to know!

Etienne

Who is the father?!

Yvette

I won't tell you!

Etienne

Ha, ha, ha! When I find this man, I will kill him! And snap his neck like a stale baguette!

Etienne

Monsieur, Madame, your wine.

Frasier

Yes, that's the one.

Etienne

Bon, bon, bon, I will just go and open it. Ah, this will be a night to remember, non?

Frasier

Oh, yes!

Etienne

[o.s.] Are you going to tell me?!

Yvette

[o.s.] No, no!

Frasier

You know, there's a clam house up the road that has a late seating...

Madeline

Oh no, I think we're getting the most bang for our entertainment buck right here.

Mrs. Degas

[o.s.] Oh, thirty-five years of marriage, what did I ever see in you?!

Etienne

Ah, you don't think I am sick of you? You and your cuttlefish bisque! I spit in your cuttlefish bisque!

Etienne

Voila, monsieur, madame — it's a delicacy from our little village in France: cuttlefish bisque.

Madeline

What are the odds? I had cuttlefish for lunch.

Etienne

[o.s.] Ah, no, no, no, you don't have to! You can leave my house, Yvette! No, no, no, go, go to wherever he is!

Mrs. Degas

Pardon, monsieur, are you not the one who gives advice on the radio?

Frasier

You listen to my show?

Mrs. Degas

No, but my sous-chef does, and I hear you when I walk back and forth through the kitchen. Monsieur, you must help me. Etienne!

Frasier

No, no, listen, if-if everyone comes out here, how will you know when our duck is crispy?

Mrs. Degas

Etienne, this is the doctor from the radio, eh?

Etienne

Ah, oui, oui, oui!

Mrs. Degas

Please, monsieur, you must talk to my husband. My daughter is with child, and he does not understand that these things happen!

Etienne

Don't talk to me, talk to this tramp! [to Madeline] Do you believe my daughter, madame?

Madeline

You should meet my sister.

Mrs. Degas

As if I wasn't pregnant when we got married, eh?

Etienne

Oh, I wish I had been killed in the war!

Mrs. Degas

Oh, it's hard to get killed when you run the other way!

Frasier

[taking charge] All right, silence! Silence! Both of you just try to calm down. I'll see what I can do. Monsieur Degas, you are angry now. That is a temporary emotion. You are devastated because you think the bond between a father and a daughter has been broken. She is no longer your little girl. But that's not possible. That bond cannot be broken — not even by that young man cowering there in the corner who is so obviously the father.

Frasier

Come out. [the busboy shakes his head] Come out, it's all right. [he still won't come] We need more water!

Etienne

You? You can't even get water in a glass! [motions to Yvette] How did you do this?!

Frasier

Monsieur Degas, please — hold your daughter in your arms and tell her how you really feel.

Etienne

[takes her hands] Yvette... ah, Yvette, Yvette, ma petite, I love you...

Mrs. Degas

Thank you, monsieur, thank you! You are a god! [to Madeline] And you, mademoiselle, are very lucky.

Madeline

I'm starting to realize that.

Frasier

[modestly] Just another evening out... with Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Hi, Roz!

Roz

Hey, Frasier.

Frasier

Again, thank you.

Roz

It's O.K., Frasier, you've thanked me every day for the last two weeks.

Frasier

Yes, yes, but if it hadn't been for you, I never would have met... [sighs] Madeline. It's just — you know, we went out again last night, and it's just perfect between us! We talk, we can laugh at the same—

Roz

Just stop. Did it ever occur to you that since I'm in one of the worst dating droughts of my entire adult life, that to hear you prattling on like a giggling schoolgirl about your storybook romance might be the teensiest bit irritating?

Frasier

No, it hadn't, and you're right, Roz. I'm sorry, sometimes I can be so insensitive. But, you know, Madeline's helping me with that, she is so good, she is so good, in, like, every way!

Frasier

All right, I'm sorry. It's just that I haven't felt this way since, since my divorce. Everything seems so right. You know, I haven't said this out loud, but here goes: it's possible that she could be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.

Roz

Go. Go do that. Get married, have a couple of kids, move out to the country, buy a puppy, live happily ever after! Just don't tell me about it, I need a boyfriend!

Frasier

Dear Roz. Dear, silly Roz. Dear, silly, horny Roz.

Frasier

Oh, oh, look! It's—

Roz

That must be Madeline!

Frasier

Yes!

Frasier

Oh, God, what a surprise to see you.

Madeline

Well, I hope you don't mind me stopping by, but I have a meeting with a buyer across the street in ten minutes, and there's something that I wanted to talk to you about.

Frasier

Oh well, here, please, have a seat.

Madeline

[sits in his chair] Well, you know when we first started going out, we both agreed we didn't want to rush into the physical part, that we'd save ourselves for the right moment.

Frasier

[looking around in surprise] It's now?

Madeline

No, actually, uh, I was wondering what you thought about us going away for the weekend — just the two of us.

Frasier

Well, uh... I'd miss my favorite shows, but sure.

Madeline

I was thinking, two-three days...

Frasier

I was thinking more like a week.

Madeline

O.K., now for the really big question: When?

Frasier

Well, the minute we get there.

Madeline

No, actually, I meant when do we go?

Frasier

Oh, oh, let's see.

Madeline

Now, let's see, I am good for the week of the sixteenth.

Frasier

The, uh, sixteenth — oh, no, sweeps week. How about the twenty-third?

Madeline

Uh, no — trade show. Uh, thirtieth?

Frasier

No.

Madeline

That puts us into the next month. No, no — uh, the twentieth?

Frasier

No.

Madeline

Well, this was a great idea, but we're both obviously too busy. We'll do it another time. I got to run.

Frasier

O.K.

Frasier

Let's go tomorrow.

Madeline

You're on.

Frasier

I know the perfect place — Bora Bora!

Madeline

Hubba Hubba!

Frasier

I'll make the arrangements.

Madeline

I'll meet you at the airport.

Frasier

O.K.

Madeline

O.K. Bye.

Frasier

Bye. [she heads out the producers' booth door] Oh, oh, Madeline— [points her the other way]

Madeline

Bye.

Roz

Hello, you don't know me, but I saw your picture in "Seattle" magazine...

Martin

Ah, they don't write songs like that anymore.

Niles

This is really what "men" do, isn't it, Dad?

Martin

Yeah. This, and some things outdoors, but we'll just stick to this for now.

Niles

You know, these last few nights have been very pleasant, Dad. You and me, sitting together, appreciating these fine cigars. Who would have thought a simple Cuban peasant somewhere in the Sierra Maestra would bring a father and son closer together?

Martin

Yeah. Must make that dime he gets for a whole day's work a lot more satisfying.

Daphne

I'm going to miss these little sweethearts.

Martin

Ooh, now there's a talent.

Niles

[mesmerized] I'll say. Just how do you do that?

Daphne

Oh, it's really very simple. Let me show you, it's all in the tongue. [pulls him close and purses his lips with her fingers] That's right, just purse your lips and pucker up like a little goldfish. Just like that, you got it.

Frasier

Niles, what are you doing?

Niles

I'm learning how to blow smoke.

Frasier

Where? Dad, I thought I asked you to smoke those things out on the balcony.

Martin

It's cold out there.

Frasier

Fine, all right. Maybe an errant ash will flick off and ignite your easy chair.

Martin

You're in a fine mood. What's the matter with you?

Frasier

Madeline and I are going to Bora Bora tomorrow.

Martin

[sitting] Why do bad things happen to good people?

Niles

When did this come about?

Frasier

Just about an hour ago, when Madeline came down to the station. We got caught up in a moment of passion, before I know it I'm going halfway around the world with a woman I hardly even know! It just isn't like me, I guess I'm getting caught up in the romance.

Daphne

Well, I'm not sure about the psychological ramifications of this, but it seems like a good thing to me.

Frasier

Yes, well, to the untrained eye, yes, but what if we hate each other? End up being stuck together for a week!

Daphne

Oh, that won't happen. If anything, you'll come back even more in love than ever.

Frasier

Even worse! If it goes perfectly, then it means we'll start talking about a serious commitment, then living together and then marriage, and...

Niles

If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, [more emphatic] and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris! [everyone stares at him] ...marriage. I have to go now.

Martin

Hey, let me ask you one question, Frasier: did you feel a spark when you met this woman?

Frasier

Like fireworks.

Martin

Well, then go for it! You know, these things don't happen that often. It's like when I met your mother, it was at a crime scene. Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her — it was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.

Frasier

Dad, you're a ghoul.

Martin

I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline, they hadn't moved the body yet.

Frasier

Yes, well, your corpse-strewn romance notwithstanding, I still feel just a little bit skittish about this whole thing.

Daphne

Well, Dr. Crane, if you'd like a feminine point of view — just shut your bloody cake hole and go! I mean, look what happened when you took a chance and called this woman. You've been whistling a happy tune ever since.

Frasier

Well, that is true.

Martin

Yeah! So make another bold move! Do something to make yourself happy.

Daphne

Yeah, go on!

Martin

Hey, you won't regret it!

Frasier

Oh, all right, I'll do it!

Martin

Attaboy! That's great, that's terrific!

Frasier

O.K., but don't think I don't know that you're mostly excited just to get me out of the house for a week!

Martin

It will be sweet, won't it?

Frasier

[tipping the bellboy] Thank you.

Madeline

This is gorgeous, I'm so glad you suggested it.

Frasier

It's even more beautiful than I remember. You know what the natives say, they say that Bora Bora is the end of the world and the doorway to heaven.

Madeline

This could be the doorway to heaven for us.

Frasier

[turns around] I'm certainly glad that you're the one that said that first. You know, I didn't want this to seem like our trip was just about sex, but... who are we kidding?

Madeline

I'm a little hot in these clothes, aren't you?

Frasier

I'm sweating like the pig that knows he's dinner!

Madeline

I'll be right back.

Frasier

Oink!

Madeline

Frasier...

Frasier

Oh, my God...

Lilith

Frasier?

Frasier

OH, MY GOD!