Adventures In Paradise (Part 2)

Frasier

[v.o.] I just opened up the pages of "Seattle" magazine, and there she was...

Frasier

[v.o.] So off I flew to Bora Bora, and did I receive the shock of my life...

Frasier

Lilith! What are you doing here?!

Lilith

I suppose I could ask you the same thing.

Madeline

[o.s] Frasier, is everything all right?

Frasier

Uh, yes, yes. Uh, why don't you come out and join us, Madeline? [to Lilith] What about you? Are you here with someone?

Lilith

Yes. Actually, he's snorkeling at the moment.

Frasier

Anyone I know?

Lilith

Sam Malone.

Frasier

Sam?!

Lilith

Just kidding.

Frasier

Of all places, Lilith, why did you bring him here?

Lilith

Well, it was spectacular five years ago when you brought me, it's even more breathtaking now.

Frasier

But this was our place. How could you bring someone else? [Madeline comes out in a robe] Oh, here. Lilith, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall. [they shake hands] How's this for a hoot? This is my ex-wife, Lilith.

Madeline

Your... ex-wife is here?

Frasier

Yes. It's a shame, too — no papers to be signed.

Madeline

So you're here with someone?

Lilith

Why does everyone keep asking me that? Yes, I am. Oh, here he comes now. Brian?

Lilith

Dr. Brian Patchett, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall, and Dr. Frasier Crane.

Brian

[shaking hands] Your ex-husband? You're making a joke!

Lilith

No, God is.

Brian

Pleasure to meet you.

Frasier

Likewise.

Lilith

Uh, Brian is a seismologist at M.I.T.

Frasier

Oh well, that's perfect. Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults. [Lilith laughs, surprising Frasier] Lilith, you're laughing!

Lilith

Well, I laugh quite a bit these days, thanks to Brian.

Frasier

Oh well, Madeline is just hilarious! She also designs her own line of sportswear.

Lilith

I'm sorry, I don't think I've ever worn sportswear.

Madeline

So, how long are you going to stay?

Lilith

Until Tuesday. [Brian puts his arm around her]

Frasier

[putting his arm around Madeline] We're here till Wednesday.

Brian

Well, this certainly has the potential to be very awkward. Why don't we defuse the situation by getting together for cocktails later?

Madeline

Better yet, let's have dinner.

Lilith

Oh, that's a wonderful idea. Why don't we meet in the Tiki Room — at six o'clock?

Madeline

Great.

Frasier

Looking forward to it! What a wonderful way to start out what promises to be the greatest week of our lives!

Frasier

You see how Mr. Perfect kept rubbing it in, just to get my goat?

Madeline

Frasier, relax.

Frasier

Oh, like he had to climb that tree to get her a coconut — there were three of them on the ground!

Madeline

Would you stop obsessing? Come here.

Frasier

O.K.

Frasier

Hold it! What's that?

Madeline

[whispering] What's what?

Frasier

Lilith is making love in there!

Madeline

I don't hear a thing.

Frasier

Exactly!

Madeline

Would you just concentrate on me, please?!

Frasier

Oh, you're right, you're right. It's not like it was back in college, when that sort of thing was going on in the next room and I was left all alone with nothing but my dreams and my Henry Miller collection. You're right, I just got to block it out of my mind, just try to focus and concentrate on the task at hand!

Madeline

[sarcastic] Oh, that's sexy.

Frasier

You're right, forgive me. You want sexy? I'll show you sexy.

Madeline

I feel dirty.

Frasier

Good!

Madeline

No, no, I mean sandy, from sitting on the beach. Just let me take a shower.

Frasier

O.K. Don't be long!

Madeline

When I come back, I'll make you forget you were ever married to Lilith.

Frasier

That's never happened before without a prescription!

Frasier

[relaxing] Oh yeah, oh yeah. [gets an idea and turns his head toward the wall; louder] Oh yeah... oh, it's never been like this before, never! [puts his ear to the wall] Nothing — damn her, she can give as good as she gets! [starts jumping up and down on the bed] Oh yeah, oh yeah! Oh, oh, mama! Oh God, you are so hot! I am burning up! Oh, that's it, that's it! Yes! Yes!

Frasier

Oh my God, yes! Keep it up, baby! You're killing me! Oh God, you're an animal! YES, YES!

Madeline

Well, obviously you don't need me!

Frasier

Well, before we go to our "Eye in the Sky" Chopper Dave for the traffic report, I would like to send this confidential message to Madeline M. Madeline, I'm sure your gentleman would love an opportunity to explain his behavior, but you left the island before he had a chance, and, um, you won't return his calls or answer the notes he's sent. We all know how hard it is to find love in this world, what a tragedy it is to let it slip through our fingers. I think he really cares about you. [Roz taps on the glass] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, we'll be back in a moment.

Roz

Frasier, you were wonderful.

Frasier

You really think she'll call?

Roz

If the woman doesn't respond, she doesn't have a heart.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz.

Roz

Oh, I almost forgot! This bill came for you from your hotel in Bora Bora.

Frasier

[reading it] Well, it's not too bad. I guess they had to charge me for the whole week.

Roz

No, that's for the bed you trashed.

Frasier

Twenty-five hundred dollars for bamboo?!

Frasier

Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, whom do we have next?

Roz

We have Vic from Seattle on line three.

Frasier

Hello, Vic. I'm listening.

Vic

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane, thanks for taking my call. I'm a first-time caller, I'm a little nervous.

Frasier

Oh, just relax, Vic — "I'm listening."

Vic

Yeah, I'm really having a problem with women...

Roz

[sticking her head in; whispering] Frasier, Madeline's on line one!

Vic

Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Oh, uh-uh, Vic, uh, something's come up in the booth, just- you know, I'll have to turn you over to my very capable producer.

Vic

Uh, O.K.

Frasier

Madeline, Madeline, hi! Oh, thanks for calling. Oh, no, no, it's OK, it's OK, I'm off the air right now.

Roz

So, Vic, uh, what's this trouble you're having with women?

Vic

I don't know. You know, I have a good job, I think I have a good personality. 'Course, I made more money when I was modeling, but I'm doing O.K. at the law firm.

Roz

[Bye-bye panic!] Tell me more.

Niles

Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in the ballet.

Daphne

Oh, we're delighted!

Martin

[mumbling] Yeah.

Daphne

You know, when I was younger I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.

Niles

So did Maris! But the poor thing could never get her weight up enough. That's why I couldn't help myself at the ballet fundraiser when they auctioned off this walk-on part. It was the perfect gift for my Maris!

Martin

So Maris is gonna be a ballerina?

Niles

No. It's non-dancing, but it is a key role, Dad. She plays Ulrich, the hunchbacked drawbridge operator.

Martin

I hope we can pick her out.

Frasier

What are you people still doing here?

Daphne

Oh, hush, we'll be long gone before your lady friend gets here.

Frasier

Well, you don't want to be late for the ballet.

Martin

I do! When those ballet guys start flying around in those tight pants, I don't know where to look!

Daphne

Oh, that reminds me, I've got to bring my binoculars.

Frasier

Will you just get out of here?!

Niles

Frasier, will you relax?

Frasier

I can't, it's my last chance with Madeline! Serves me right, too, after the way I behaved in Bora Bora.

Niles

You're being too hard on yourself, it was just bad luck. How were you to know that Lilith had arrived on the island?

Martin

Aside from the seas starting to churn and all the birds taking flight from the trees.

Daphne

Oh now, don't you worry, Dr. Crane. Miss Marshall's going to forgive you. Women always appreciate a man who's sensitive enough to try again. That's why they call us the "fair sex." All right then, let's go see some leaping Russian stags!

Martin

Oh hi, Maddy!

Daphne

Oh, hello! We were just leaving for the ballet.

Frasier

Madeline, come in.

Niles

You two kids take your time. Don't worry about us, we'll be out all evening.

Martin

Yeah, you know how it is. First the ballet, then the inevitable discussion.

Frasier

Well, that was a little awkward.

Madeline

So is this.

Frasier

I guess there's no delaying it. I might as well just launch into my little speech, try to explain why I behaved the way I did...

Madeline

You know what might be better? If I tell you how I've got it worked out. The minute you saw Lilith, you wanted to leave, but I wouldn't let you. You said you couldn't handle it, and by God, you were right! You panicked, and your panic took a bad turn — a spectacularly bad turn. Anyway, that's how I've got it worked out in my head, and it's fragile, so let's not mess with it. So, why don't you mix up a pitcher of Mai- Tai's and give me a kiss? I'll let you guess which I want first.

Madeline

Guess again.

Madeline

Mmm, delicious! I love mangoes.

Frasier

Well, we never got around to sampling this tropical delicacy while we were in the islands, so I thought we should do it now.

Madeline

Good thinking. [kisses him]

Frasier

You know, there's something else we never got around to in Bora Bora...

Madeline

Well, you got around to it. I just watched.

Frasier

Well, how about a little audience participation this time?

Madeline

Frasier, wait. I want this as much as you do, but there's something I need to talk to you about first.

Frasier

What?

Madeline

Well, I wasn't going to say anything. I-I thought I was comfortable with this and I wouldn't have to bring it up, but... well, I was involved with a divorced man once before, and just about the time that I was really falling for him... [Frasier understands] He reconciled with his ex-wife, and I'm telling you I just can't go through that again.

Frasier

It's all right, Madeline. Trust me, I assure you that Lilith and I are completely finished. She lives clear on the other side of the country. Except in matters of our son, we don't even have contact.

Madeline

That's all I wanted to hear.

Madeline

Well, what's your name, little fella?

Frasier

You promise you won't laugh?

Frasier

The dog? His name is Eddie. [gets up and picks up Eddie] Come on. Pardon me while I put him back while he belongs.

Madeline

I'll be waiting.

Madeline

Oh God!

Lilith

It's nice to see you too. Is Frasier here?

Madeline

Don't you live in Boston?!

Lilith

I'm here on a layover — and judging by Frasier's trademark mangoes on a stick, so are you. If you like, I can come back in ten minutes.

Madeline

[getting her things] That won't be necessary.

Lilith

I apologize for coming at an inopportune moment, but Frasier and I have an agreement that we'll make time for each other if either one of us has something urgent to discuss — which I do.

Madeline

Take all the time you need. This whole thing's just a little too complicated for me.

Frasier

Put down that mango, my dear. It's time you tasted the forbidden fruit. [Lilith turns around] YAAAHH!!! Lilith! What are you doing here?!

Lilith

I have something urgent to discuss.

Frasier

[looking around] What have you done with Madeline?!

Lilith

She was surprised to see me and she left.

Lilith

I hope you're not angry with me.

Frasier

Angry? [brings the lights back up] What do I have to be angry about? Just because every time I carve out the tiniest little slice of happiness for myself you come along and obliterate it? My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think anything could kill you!

Lilith

Brian asked me to marry him.

Frasier

What?

Lilith

He wants to stop in Las Vegas on our way home.

Frasier

You're getting married.

Lilith

Yes.

Frasier

Well... so am I!

Lilith

Really?

Frasier

Yes, yes, to Madeline.

Lilith

Well, I just saw Madeline. She seemed in an awful hurry for someone who's getting married.

Frasier

She had to buy a dress... oh, God, what am I doing? I'm not getting married.

Lilith

Wow, you really had me going. Frasier, I don't want to disrupt anything. Really, I just came here hoping to get your blessing.

Frasier

I could have given you my blessing over the phone.

Lilith

Must you be so churlish?

Frasier

Well, I think I'm entitled! I mean, the one comfort in being divorced is that you're both losers. Eventually, the time comes when one person is the first to move on. And quite frankly, I'd hoped it would be me.

Lilith

Well, I'd hoped it would be me. And it was! But, I'd like to think that, had things worked out the other way around, I would have been happy for you.

Frasier

Well, if you love him, I am happy for you.

Lilith

I do. Brian has been a dutiful suitor for some time, and I'm convinced to within an acceptable margin of error that he loves me.

Frasier

Does Frederick like him?

Lilith

Oh, he's crazy about him.

Frasier

Oh...

Lilith

[seeing it] Oh, Frasier, Brian could never take your place that way. You're Frederick's father.

Frasier

[grateful] Congratulations.

Daphne

Well, it looks like they made up!

Martin

AAH!

Frasier

Hello, everyone.

Niles

Lilith, what a pleasant surprise! Well, how was Bora Bora? I've never seen you looking quite so tan.

Daphne

My God, what does she look like in winter?

Frasier

Everyone, we have some very happy news: Lilith is going to be married again.

Martin

[guardedly] To who?

Frasier

Someone else.

Martin

Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful!

Niles

Just wonderful, when's the happy occasion?

Lilith

Tomorrow, in Las Vegas.

Niles

[laughs] Oh, Lilith, how delightfully kitschy! It's your second marriage, so you've decided to poke fun at the institution by getting married in the tackiest place you could possible choose!

Lilith

Brian's family lives in Las Vegas.

Niles

Well... isn't that convenient? You'll have someone to show you the museums.

Lilith

It was lovely seeing you all again.

Frasier

I'll just walk you out.

Lilith

Well, I hope you haven't found all this too unsettling.

Frasier

No, no. You know, I think it's actually good that you're getting remarried. I mean, otherwise we could have spent the rest of our lives wondering whether our divorce was a mistake, if we should have tried to work it out. Was it me, was it you, was it us, was it you? Now we can move on.

Lilith

What's next for you?

Frasier

I suppose I'll try to smooth things over with Madeline.

Lilith

Try very hard, Frasier. She seems worth it.

Frasier

Well, she'll need convincing. You know, I guess I could ask her back to Bora Bora with me, try again. [excited] You know, I'll lay on the whole package this time. I'll buy the airplane tickets first, pay for the hotel, get a limo, champagne and caviar, the whole nine yards. With any luck I'll sweep her off her feet and into my bed... I do own it, you know.

Lilith

Would you like to kiss the bride?

Frasier

It'd be my pleasure.

Lilith

You're really happy for me?

Frasier

Well, yes, of course. You'll understand, though, if I don't jump up and down and yell "Yippee!"

Lilith

[as the elevator doors close] Yes, I've already seen that.

Madeline

Now why don't we pick up where we left off, Frasier?

Frasier

Oh, my God...

Diane

Frasier?

Frasier

OH, MY GOD!

Frasier

Oh God, I just had the most frightening dream! Thank God I'm here with you.

Niles

Frasier, we have all week to analyze your dream. Right now, there's a huge bug in the shower!