She's The Boss

Martin

Come on in! Come on, it's all over! He won't mess with you! [closes door; to Eddie] Are you nuts? That was a Doberman!

Daphne

Oh dear, what happened?

Martin

Oh, get the first aid kit. Eddie got into a fight. We were on the elevator with that Doberman from upstairs. Eddie took a perfectly innocent sniff, and wham!

Frasier

Morning, all. What's all this?

Daphne

Eddie was viciously attacked.

Frasier

Oh. [then] Is that coffee cake I smell?

Martin

Well, now that I look at it, it's just a scratch. But I probably should take him to the vet's anyway.

Daphne

What are you doing up so early?

Frasier

Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.

Martin

"She?" Oh, working for a woman, huh?

Frasier

Yes, why?

Martin

Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it!

Frasier

That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived!

Daphne

My brothers couldn't stand taking orders from me. I was forever telling them, "Billy, clean your room," "Reginald, get your elbow out of the gravy," "Nigel, take that thing back to the hospital, the whole house is full of flies!"

Frasier

Morning, Niles.

Niles

Hello, Frasier. Dad, Daphne. Uh, I can't stay, I just wanted to ask a favor. Dad, can I borrow your gun?

Martin

Maris taking singing lessons again?

Niles

No. Our home security system is down for repairs, and with no electric gates I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.

Frasier

Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch.

Niles

Dad, please. Maris is a wreck ever since she found out our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach.

Martin

Forget it, you don't know the first thing about guns.

Niles

Dad, please.

Martin

No! I don't believe in civilians having guns.

Niles

This isn't fair! Maris's mother gave her a gun!

Martin

[getting up] Well, then Maris's mother can clean the mess up after she accidentally blows your brains out.

Niles

[following him to the kitchen] Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris's mother has never cleaned anything in her life.

Roz

All right, all right, listen up everyone, I've been working the office grapevine, I've got the scoop on the new boss.

Gil

Is she going to fire me?

Bulldog

Hey, first things first! [to Roz] Is she baggable?

Roz

Forget it, Bulldog, she'd have you for breakfast.

Bulldog

Right, like I ever stick around that long.

Roz

Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. She's kind of becoming my idol.

Bulldog

Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job. I just promised my mom a new pacemaker. Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?"

Frasier

Now, look, there's no reason for us to give in to our insecurities. We all do good, solid shows. We hardly even know this woman, and already we're painting her as a heartless Medusa!

Mike

She said my ratings are down. She said I'm not "hip."

Frasier

Father Mike, are you all right?

Mike

The little thug fired me!

Frasier

I'm so sorry.

Gil

Did she say anything else?

Mike

She said, "Send in Frasier."

Kate

Listen, tell the movers I want the couch directly in front of the bookcase. [Frasier comes in.] Uh-huh. [to him] Oh, have a seat.

Kate

[into phone] Uh-huh. Yeah, yes. No, not there! In front of the bookcase!

Kate

Yes, tell her I got somebody here! Could we move the furniture later?

Kate

Could we do that? [hangs up] Dr. Frasier Crane! Kate Costas.

Frasier

[shaking hands] Kate, what a pleasure.

Kate

Likewise. I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. I love what you're doing.

Frasier

Really? Well, thank you very much! I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom of everyday life.

Kate

Wow. You really talk that way. Anyway, your ratings are very good. But I still think we can do better. Any ideas?

Frasier

How to improve my show? That is a tall order. Uh... oh, wait, you know, I was thinking of playing classical music before my intros. Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra in D Minor.

Kate

It's too highbrow. I mean, I love classical music, but to most people it's a big snore. Oh, incidentally, Bartok's Concerto is in C.

Frasier

Are you sure?

Kate

Positive. I put myself through college working at a classical station. Let's talk about advertising. You've got a great face. I want to see it on t-shirts, I want to see it on park benches, I even want to see it on Frisbees. Everybody in Seattle should be popping it, wearing it, sitting on it!

Frasier

Wonderful. You know, I hate to nitpick, but I was certain that concerto's in D. I was a music minor at Harvard.

Kate

It's in C. It was commissioned by Serge Kosivinsky in 1943 for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and since then it's been recorded over thirty times—each time, in C.

Kate

Also, I think you should start doing theme shows. Devote a whole show to people having extramarital affairs, or devote a whole show to people with aberrant sexual practices. Could you give me a hand with that box over there?

Frasier

Of course. [lifts it onto her desk and starts handing her things from it] Uh, Kate, you know, that advertising thing. It's a very good idea. But that-these theme shows, uh, it's a less good idea. You might even say a worse idea.

Kate

Why is that?

Frasier

Well, uh, I am a doctor, and I'd hate to have the serious work I do be tainted by commercialism.

Kate

But you don't mind the Frisbees.

Frasier

[hands her a "Golden Microphone" award] Well, I don't want to be entirely uncooperative. [hands her another] It's just that, well, you know, I've been in the radio game for some time now, [a third] and I think I've learned enough about broadcasting, as they say, [a fourth] to know what it is that makes my show [a fifth] a good show. [lifts the last one ] My God, you've won six Golden Mike awards?

Kate

Aren't you sweet to notice. Finally, I would like you to start giving priority to the juicier calls.

Frasier

That's called pandering!

Kate

[lifting out a] And that is called a Peabody Award!

Frasier

Well, what exactly do you expect me to do? Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, but unemployment's a snore! Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife and call in on Monday when it'll be Infidelity Day on the Frasier Crane Show!"

Kate

I really know what I'm doing here. The psychiatrists at my last station went national.

Frasier

Well, you know, I'd rather stay local if going national means sucking at the sump-pump of sensationalism!

Kate

Well, I'm the boss, Doc. So, pucker up!

Frasier

Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show. Unless you're willing to explain to the owners why you fired one of your highest- rated hosts, well then there's nothing you can do about it, is there?

Frasier

Well, we're coming up on 3 A.M.

Keith

[v.o.] I got to disagree with your last two callers. I'm in the same line of work, and I think that what we do is very important! People depend on us! [bell dings] I got to go, Doc, it's time to powder the jelly donuts. [hangs up]

Frasier

Well, I hate to cut short this enthralling symposium, but perhaps we could hear from some non-bakers for a change?

Roz

Wrap it up, will you? We're finally done.

Frasier

Oh, thank God. Stay tuned for the news, weather, and sports. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, yadda-yadda-yadda, bye.

Frasier

Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?

Roz

Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, [throaty whisper] "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?!

Frasier

Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.

Roz

So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back!

Frasier

Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.

Roz

Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the coffee room! I can't do this again!

Kate

Good morning.

Frasier

Oh, hello.

Kate

Enjoying your new time slot?

Frasier

As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.

Kate

Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.

Frasier

Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.

Kate

Oh, yes, yes, but some people — and this is so unfortunate — can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.

Frasier

Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective ...of what others expect.

Kate

Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?

Frasier

I think I made myself clear.

Kate

Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot — now that it's free.

Frasier

Good luck!

Roz

Nice going, Frasier, now she's never gonna give in.

Frasier

Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are not a bunch of spineless twits!

Bulldog

[whispering] Hey! Is she gone?

Martin

You don't want this bacon, I'm giving it to Eddie.

Daphne

You know that bacon's not good for him.

Martin

Eddie! Hey, Eddie! Come here, boy!

Martin

And can't we take that stupid thing off him?

Daphne

No! The vet said if he scratches the scabs, they'll never heal. And I have noticed that if you sit him next to the telly, Channel Five comes in a lot clearer.

Martin

Look at him, he's humiliated!

Daphne

Yeah, well, it doesn't help that that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.

Martin

You tell him, boy!

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M. [stares at Eddie] Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.

Daphne

Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion—

Frasier

DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reichschancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!

Martin

Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.

Daphne

[gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie?

Frasier

[o.s.] Damn it!

Niles

Morning, Daphne. Where are you off to?

Daphne

Oh, I'm taking Eddie for a walk.

Niles

By yourself?

Daphne

Yes, of course. Why not?

Niles

It's dangerous out there. You never know when you might need... [pulls a small revolver from his briefcase] one of these.

Daphne

A starter's pistol? Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane. But thanks for the thought.

Niles

How did she know it wasn't a real gun? It fooled the servants, even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas.

Martin

You bought a starter's pistol?

Niles

[gesturing with the gun] Yes, you see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt.

Frasier

What the hell was that?! Was that a gunshot?!

Niles

Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?

Frasier

"Just getting up?!" Are you out of your mind?! A gun just went off in here!

Martin

Niles bought a starter's pistol.

Niles

And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Martin

You know, Niles, you shouldn't have any kind of gun, really. Come to think of it, now that Mr. Sunshine's home during the day, maybe I shouldn't either!

Frasier

Just relax. It won't be long before my loyal fans protest, and the afternoon slot is once again home to the compassionate and lovable Dr. Frasier Crane. [opens the front door] Now get the hell out, both of you!

Martin

All right, maybe I can catch up to Daphne in the park.

Niles

I'll cover you.

Frasier

Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'll be taking your calls for the next four hours. Roz, who's on the line?

Roz

How should I know? I just got here.

Frasier

Hello, Line Two, you're on with Dr. Frasier Crane.

Mark

[v.o.] Uh, hey, Dr. Crane. It's Mark.

Frasier

Hello, Mark. I'm listening.

Mark

OK. Uh, well, I work at this all-night mini-mart, and, um, I've been watching myself on the video camera, and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of.

Phyllis

[v.o.] People think insomnia is a laughing matter, but it's hell. If I don't get some sleep soon, I'll just—I'll go crazy! You've got to help me, Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane? Hey, I'm talking here!

Frasier

What?! I'm listening.

Phyllis

So what do you think I should do?

Frasier

Well, you know, sometimes these things seem clearer in the light of day. My advice is to sleep on it.

Phyllis

Is that some kind of a joke?! To make fun of the insomniac?!

Frasier

Oh, no—

Frasier

Oh, oh, and now for a word from, um, uh, ah, [shuffles some papers on his console] I forget, I think they sell paint.

Roz

You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.

Frasier

Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.

Roz

Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!

Frasier

Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!

Roz

[losing it] OK, let me make it easy for you: freaks! Freaks on Line One! Freaks on Line Two! Freaks, everywhere!

Frasier

[grabbing her] Roz, Roz, Roz! We shouldn't get mad at each other. Oh God, this is all Kate's fault.

Roz

You're right, you're right, she's ruining us! And there's nothing we can do.

Frasier

Yes, there is! If we're gonna go down, we're gonna take her down with us! We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz?

Roz

Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty!

Frasier

OK!

Frasier

We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words, who wants to talk about SEX?! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!

Frasier

YEAH! I want to know who's having sex! How you're having it! I want to know if you're having it right now!

Roz

Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot! [sultry voice] Really hot!

Frasier

Thank you, Kitty. [punches button] Hello, Caller. What are you wearing?

Nancy

[v.o.] Nothing. I'm naked.

Frasier

Hey, that's a great idea! Let's all get naked! Hey, I'm getting naked right now!

Roz

While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker, or the spankee.

Nancy

Oh, definitely the spanker.

Frasier

Well then, hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants!

Frasier

[on tape] While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL - all talk, all night, all naked!

Kate

Explain.

Frasier

As George Bernard Shaw once said, "there are two tragedies in life. One is not getting what we want, and the other is getting it."

Kate

You know full well this is not what I wanted! You did this to vex me. And you succeeded. And it was not Shaw, it was Oscar Wilde. Did you ever open a book at Harvard?

Frasier

You know, one of these days, you're going to misquote someone, and I'm going to land on you like a sumo wrestler!

Kate

All I wanted, all I wanted was a lousy little theme show once or twice a week!

Frasier

Oh, yeah! "Frasier Crane takes a leering look at infidelity!"

Kate

No, not a leering look! Just a good look. At the pain of infidelity, at what it does to families, at what it does to children, at what it does to the fabric of society, and this is just off the top of my head. But, no! You are such an arrogant gasbag, so used to being cock-of-the-walk around here that you can't stand still for one minute and listen to a perfectly valid suggestion from somebody else!

Frasier

[blood up] And you are such a smug egomaniac that your entire self-image would shatter like a cheap mirror if you ever had to admit that you had made a mistake!

Frasier

You are a classic case of neurotic narcissism, and a first- class SMARTY-PANTS! [pause] You can go ahead and fire me now.

Kate

[sits back down] Yes, I could do that, yeah. But I'm not going to.

Frasier

Did you listen to the whole tape?

Kate

Oh, yeah. But, unlike you, I put what's good for the station above my personal feelings.

Frasier

Well, that's-that's awfully big of you. [sits back down] Guess that means I'll be moving back to my old time slot.

Kate

Guess again, Captain Midnight! If I give you back your old time slot without your making a single concession to me, that would completely undermine my authority. Being a crack shrink, surely that's within your grasp.

Frasier

[stands and leans over her desk] Grasp this: if I don't get my old time slot, I quit!

Kate

[stands face-to-face with him] Grasp this: you do, and I'll sue you for breach of contract!

Frasier

OK, then it's a stalemate! If we don't want to remain entrenched in these positions forever, one of us had better think of something!

Kate

Yes, one of us better.

Frasier

I've got it!

Kate

[hits her chair arm] Damn!

Bulldog

So, we're together, right?

Gil

Absolutely.

Bulldog

We're not letting her push us around any longer!

Gil

Nope. You do the talking. I'll stand behind you and burn holes through her with my "You call this a Hollandaise sauce?!" glare.

Frasier

I don't care what you say, I like theme shows! And I'm going to do them, starting this Friday with "Frasier Crane takes a look at the consequences of infidelity!"

Kate

You do, and I'll make you start that show with classical music! Bartok's Concerto in C, I don't care how much you hate it!

Frasier

Damn you!

Kate

It's my way, or no way.

Frasier

[crushed] You win. Bartok it is.

Kate

What do you two want?

Bulldog

Nothing.

Gil

Keep up the good work.