The Friend
Written by Jack Burditt · Directed by Philip Charles MacKenzie
Martin
[talking to Eddie first] Slow down! Hey Daphne, guess what Eddie ate in the park today?
Daphne
Ooh let's see. A hot dog wrapper?
Martin
No. Guess again.
Daphne
A cigarette butt?
Martin
No. Guess again.
Daphne
Apple core?
Martin
No. Guess again.
Frasier
[becoming increasingly exasperated] Oh really, must you two play this ridiculous game? She makes some feeble stab and you say "No. Guess again." Then she starts flailing away with even more ludicrous answers, all the while you chanting "Guess again", until she's gibbering like some auctioneer with a bad bladder. Then you finally reveal the answer at which point nobody even cares.
Daphne
[looking at Martin] I'm not sure which one of us got the worst of that, but I think it was you.
Martin
Guess again.
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
There's a half-eaten lizard in your elevator!
Martin
And that's the last hint you're getting.
Niles
[reaching for his pocket] Oh Frasier, I had a breakthrough today with one of my compulsive gamblers and he gave me two tickets to the racetrack on Saturday. It's a luxury box — I though you might want to go.
Frasier
Oh I would love to Niles. Why don't you want to use them?
Niles
Well, the jockeys if you must know.
Frasier
What?
Niles
Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding crops. It just reminded me too much of Maris.
Frasier
Dad, what about you? I've never known you to turn down the horses.
Martin
Ah, sorry. I've got poker with the guys.
Frasier
Oh well then. I'll just call one of my friends. [Frasier walks towards the phone before stopping suddenly] Jeez. This is sort of embarrassing. The first three names on my list are all back in Boston.
Daphne
What about someone from your wine club?
Frasier
Oh well truth be told Daphne, those people are insufferable bores unless they have a glass in their hands. Sherry, Niles?
Niles
Please.
Frasier
Oh I know. How about Ed O'Hanlon?
Niles
Moved away last year.
Frasier
Ooh, how about Edmund Kelly? If I know old Ed he'd never leave Seattle.
Niles
Indeed not. They buried him here three years ago.
Frasier
Dear me. Really? I'll miss him.
Niles
Yes. Three years from now when you think of him again there'll be a void!
Frasier
My God how did this happen? I've been back here for two years and I've yet to forge any new friendships.
Martin
[wriggling about uncomfortably in his chair] You'd better watch it Frasier. Next thing you know you're gonna be like one of these old people who are so set in their ways that they're only happy hanging around with people who are the same as they are.
Frasier
What exactly is your point Dad? That I've lost my knack for making friends?
Martin
Well I hate to bring it up but you never were very good at it. It was always you and Niles ever since you were kids. The two of you always holed up in that damned garage — at least until you burned it down.
Daphne
You burned down the garage?
Niles
Well, between Frasier and his Bunsen burner and me and my mosquito repellent�in retrospect it was unavoidable!
Frasier
Still, you know Dad, I did have friends in college and back in Boston. It's only since I moved to Seattle that I've started falling back on Niles.
Niles
Ooh — "falling back on Niles"?
Frasier
Niles, you know what I mean. Settling for what's comfortable and familiar. My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.
Niles
Well then I'm sorry you had to hear that Frasier!
Frasier
You know what? This would make a wonderful topic for my show. "Making New Friends" What are we so afraid of?
Martin
Why do you make everything so complicated? You wanna meet somebody new? You just walk up to him, stick out your hand and say "Hi. How you doing?"
Frasier
Thank you Dad. I can always count on you not to overthink something.
Martin
Thanks [realises what Frasier has just said] Hey!
Frasier
So why is it we have so much trouble making friends? Is it because we've become closed off? No longer want to reach out to our fellow man? Well I'd like to think that if one of you listeners out there happened to see me on the street you'd feel free to walk right on up to me and�
Roz
Excuse me Dr. Crane, we have to stop for a very important public service announcement [waits for show to go off air] HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? You're opening yourself up to every creep out there!
Frasier
Oh Roz that's exactly the kind of cynicism I'm talking about. I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
Roz
Well I believe in the strangeness of strangers! [signals show is about to start again] Three seconds.
Frasier
Hi, we're back with the topic of friendship. Now let's go to the switchboard. Roz, who's on line one?
Roz
Good news Dr. Crane. It's Gerard from Stanwood. A new friend.
Frasier
Hello Gerard. I'm listening.
Gerard
Well I called for another reason Dr. Crane. But what you just said really moved me. I wish more people felt that way.
Frasier
Well thank you Gerard. I sense a kindred spirit.
Gerard
Maybe we could get together some time? Have a beer? Maybe I could�you know�comb your hair?
Frasier
Well thank you so much for your offer of friendship George but I really don't have five thousand dollars to invest in your French fries vending machine. And for the sake of those who do invest I suggest, Sir, that you find a better name than "The Spuddy Buddy". This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health. I mean that today more than ever!
Roz
[entering the booth looking smug] I just love it when I'm right. It makes the day so good.
Frasier
You stacked the deck didn't you?
Roz
Oh please. You should have heard some of the calls I didn't put through let alone these faxes. Read some of these. They're sick.
Frasier
Oh Roz my listeners are not sick�[reads some of the faxes]�although this one does bear watching! Here's one that has promise. "Dear Dr. Crane. I never thought I'd write a letter like this but I was moved by today's show. As a photographer I come into contact with new people on a daily basis yet I often find it difficult to make that one on one connection. However your words offered hope and I just wanted to say thank you. Sincerely. Bob Reynolds."
Roz
Doesn't sound too wacky.
Frasier
You know what? I think I'm going to give Mr. Bob Reynolds a call.
Roz
Are you nuts? He could be a raving psychopath with a trunkful of decomposing squirrels.
Frasier
Oh rubbish Roz. I'm going to call him. Where did you come up with such a disgusting image?
Roz
[handing Frasier another fax] Meet Garth from Tacoma.
Niles
You're late today but I'm glad you're here. I need your help. My designer is ready to mutiny if I don't pick a fabric for my new couch. Now I've brought lots of swatches so make yourself comfortable.
Frasier
Frankly Niles I'm not here to see you. I'm meeting a new friend.
Niles
A new friend?
Frasier
Yes, you remember I was talking about widening my circle of friends.
Niles
Oh I see. No more "falling back on Niles"
Frasier
It's not that I'm trying to replace you Niles. It's just that Bob and I�
Niles
Bob? You're dumping me for someone named Bob?
Frasier
Niles I am not dumping you. I'm just worried that Bob might feel awkward meeting the two of us.
Niles
Oh well we wouldn't want to make Bob feel uncomfortable now would we? I mean after all I've only been your brother for�[looking at watch]�38 years now. What does that mean when there's the possibility that Bob may feel awkward?
Waitress
[to Frasier] There's a man over there who says he's waiting for you.
Niles
No doubt the much ballyhooed Bob!
Frasier
Niles.
Niles
Oh it's all right. It's all right. I'll go quietly. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll just go home to my Maris. Oh [slapping his hand off his head] that's right!
Frasier
Bob?
Bob
Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Call me Frasier.
Bob
Frasier then. I'm glad you called.
Frasier
[looks over at the counter] Coffee please. Well uh�so.
Bob
So.
Frasier
So. Listen, thank you for your fax.
Bob
I listen to your show all the time. I think you're brilliant. You're probably sick of hearing that though right?
Frasier
One would think but it's my cross.
Bob
That's the thing I love about your show. You're not just serious. You can be funny.
Frasier
Well, I believe humour can be a therapeutic tool.
Bob
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Frasier
Mark Twain. "The Mysterious Stranger". I have a first edition.
Bob
I'm a collector myself.
Frasier
You know I was a bit trepidatious about this experiment Bob, but I'm feeling a real simpatico here.
Bob
Yeah, me too.
Frasier
I'm going to go out on a limb. What do you say once we finish these coffees we treat ourselves to a proper dinner?
Bob
Hey that sounds great.
Frasier
OK. [notices a book on the table] Say, what are you reading?
Bob
It's my bible. "The Big Book of Barbecue" by Jeff Filgo. He's a Texan. Of course all Texans think they invented barbecue. Arrogant bastards! You like barbecue?
Frasier
Well�um�national holiday�4th July.
Bob
You know the secret to good barbecue? Mesquite. And the secret to mesquite is you gotta soak them in water for 10 minutes. On special occasions I'll soak them in beer. Once I soaked them in Sake for that [quotes with fingers] "flavour of the Far East". You know in Japan they call their barbecues "hibachis"? The arrogant bastards! I'm digging my own barbecue pit right now�
Bob
�my speciality is the Shian Smoky Quail. The trick is a high engulfing flame. Like a forest fire. Of course they call forest fires "nature's barbecue". You know my co-workers call me "Shish-ka-Bob"?
Frasier
Well Bob. Do you have any charcoal free interests?
Bob
Yeah I'm a professional photographer. [quotes with fingers] The camera never lies.
Frasier
I'm a bit of a camera buff myself. What's your trade? Photo journalist?
Bob
I take kids portraits at Value-Mart [quotes with fingers] Where your dollar buys more! You know what? Why don't we talk about this over dinner?
Frasier
You know, Bob, about that dinner? [sees the wheel chair] How about Tex-Mex?
Bob
[putting on a ridiculous tartan bunnet] You're talking my language.
Daphne
[pulling Martin's unhealthy breakfast out his hand.] No you don't. I'm fixing you a breakfast drink with fresh fruit, yoghurt, carob, pitted prunes. A healthy body makes for a sunny disposition.
Martin
[menacingly] You want sunny? Let me have my fritter.
Daphne
Oh shush. [whisks the drink] There we are.
Martin
There just aren't enough drinks that build up a nice head of black foam!
Frasier
Morning.
Martin
Well you were home late last night.
Frasier
I had dinner with a new friend. Bob.
Martin
Oh that's right. Have a good time?
Frasier
Hardly. The man talks endlessly on subjects that are of no interest to anyone but him.
Martin
[sarcastic] Gee. I can't imagine what that's like.
Frasier
Oh Dad. He took me to this God-awful barbecue place. All they serve is huge platters of charred greasy beef. The only sound you can hear is the gnawing of meat, the smacking of lips and the clatter of bones hitting the floor.
Martin
I can't take it any more. I'm having that fritter!
Daphne
If you don't like this man why did you have dinner with him?
Frasier
Well I was going to tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore but you see it's a bit more delicate than just that. The problem is he's in a wheel chair.
Daphne
So what? If you don't like him you don't like him.
Frasier
Well I know that. It's just that I'd hate to have him think it was just because of the chair.
Daphne
I have worked with the disabled for over 10 years now. And if it's one thing I've learned they don't want special treatment.
Martin
[comes out of the kitchen] Oh I forgot to bring in the paper. [puts a pained look on his face all of a sudden.] Daphne would you get it? My leg's just aching and throbbing!
Frasier
I'll get it. You know, Daphne, you're right? I was kind of a coward wasn't I? Well, at least I got through the evening.
Bob
Here's your paper Buddy!
Frasier
Bob you're here. Did we have plans?
Bob
No. I was in the neighbourhood. Just thought I'd stop by.
Frasier
Did I mention where I lived? I'm astonishingly sure I didn't.
Bob
You'd be amazed what you can find out with computers today. Anyway — brought bagels, poppy seeds, pumpernickel, rye, sesame, onion, garlic. 'Cos after all breakfast is the [quotes with fingers] most important meal of the day. Hey-ho you must be Martin. You're Daphne.
Martin
And you must be Bob.
Bob
That's me. Bob! Same forwards as backwards.
Roz
Got some messages. Bob. Bob. And�oh look�here's one from Bob.
Frasier
[in desperation] 2 weeks and 45 phone calls. Can't we just get an unlisted number?
Roz
They sort of frown on that with call-in shows. Frasier — you've got to do something about Bob.
Frasier
I know Roz. I'm working up to it.
Roz
You know the longer you put it off the worse he's going to feel when you finally tell him.
Frasier
Yes I know that. I'm a psychiatrist. I'm quite capable of dealing with difficult problems in a sensitive mature fashion�[opens the door to leave]�Wait! Did you hear that? That squeak!
Roz
What squeak?
Frasier
[worried] He's here. It's Bob!
Roz
I don't hear anything.
Frasier
Oh that's right. Only dogs and I can hear it.
Roz
Frasier, you're being paranoid.
Frasier
It's the sound of his chair. I'd know it anywhere.
Roz
Hi Bob.
Bob
Knock Knock Roz. Frasier around?
Roz
You just missed him.
Bob
Too bad. I got great news. I checked out that vacancy in his apartment building and guess who's gonna be neighbours? [A muffled scream is heard from beyond.]
Bob
What was that?
Roz
Feedback. This equipment's old [looking in Frasier's direction] and pathetic!
Bob
Well maybe I can catch Frasier back at his place�correction, our place.
Roz
Bye Bob.
Bob
Bye Roz.
Roz
OK he's gone. You can come out now.
Frasier
No he's not. He's never really gone!
Roz
So Bob's gonna be your new neighbour? [hillbilly accent] Well, break out the butane there every Barbecue day!
Frasier
NO! NO! He's not going to move into my building. I won't allow it. I'm going to talk to him Roz. Listen, I could use your advice. You've broken up with a lot of people. What do you find to be the most effective thing to say?
Roz
I love you and I want to have your baby.
Frasier
Good, I've got my fallback.
Frasier
Ooh Niles, Niles. I need to talk. Bob's meeting me here�[notices the coffees in Niles' hand]�this isn't my usual.
Niles
Well it's not for you. It's for my friend.
Frasier
That man is your friend?
Niles
Yep. We share thoughts, feelings. We talk about the arts, current events. Today we're just�hangin'!
Niles
[handing Ralph a coffee] There you are.
Ralph
Thanks.
Niles
My pleasure.
Ralph
You know, I can't stay long. I've got 4 more pools to clean today besides yours and I'm gonna to lose sunlight.
Niles
You know, Ralph, I was thinking that in many ways my profession is a lot like yours. I start out skimming the surface of the human psyche. Then I plunge ever deeper into the murky undercurrents, adding chemicals when necessary.
Ralph
[at a loss for words]�There's a lot of leaves this year!
Bob
I'm glad you called. I was starting to get self-conscious here. It seems like I'm always the one calling or stopping by or suggesting dinner or movies or shopping for hats. Oh [taking out a similarly hideous tartan bunnet to his] I got you a beaut!
Frasier
[forcing a smile] Bob. You really shouldn't have.
Bob
I knew you'd like it, neighbour.
Frasier
About that Bob. Have you actually signed a lease yet?
Bob
No. Why?
Frasier
Well, we need to talk.
Bob
Whoa. If you were a woman I'd swear you were dumping me.
Ralph
Blue one's nice.
Niles
Mmm. I'm just concerned that blue might be a bit overbearing on a couch of that size. Although it might complement that Killin rug I was telling you about. What do you think?
Ralph
[staring deadpan at Niles] I live in my van!
Niles
So you'd probably go for colours that add the illusion of space?
Ralph
You know, Dr. Crane to be perfectly honest, when you asked if I wanted coffee — I thought you were gonna bring me one.
Niles
Duly noted Ralph. Next week you can go back to drinking from the hose.
Frasier
You see I just don't think there's a basis between us for a sound friendship. Neither of us should feel bad about it.
Bob
That's easy for you to say. You're not the one being rejected.
Frasier
No, no. I'm not rejecting you. Truth is you're pleasant. You're charming.
Bob
Frasier, I'm an adult here. At least respect me enough to tell me what it is you don't like about me.
Frasier
Well all right, all right. We have absolutely nothing in common. You talk on endlessly about subjects that I have no interest in. You call me all the time. Frankly you're suffocating me!
Bob
[looking hurt] Wow. I don't know what to say. I wish you'd said something sooner.
Frasier
I wanted to. Frankly I was afraid you'd think it was because of the�you know�
Bob
The what?
Frasier
The wheelchair.
Bob
Why would I think that?
Frasier
I don't know. I just wanted you to know that.
Bob
I wish it did have to do with the chair.
Frasier
I beg your pardon.
Bob
Well, if the chair were your problem that would make you a jerk. This way, I'm the jerk.
Frasier
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Bob
Come on, you just did. You just said I'm boring and obnoxious. Who knows people better than you? You can keep the hat. [Bob turns to leave.]
Frasier
Bob, wait, please. I've got to level with you. Truth is I find nothing wrong with you. I was just ashamed to admit it. It is the chair.
Bob
What?
Frasier
[clearly lying] I think frankly that you are wonderful company. Wildly stimulating. Your hobbies are so fascinating. [picks up his tartan bunnet] You have a sense of style that really, I mean, doesn't compare to anyone's. It's just me. I feel petty and small about it but I can't get past the chair. I'm sorry Bob. Please. [Frasier gets up to leave] I'm sorry. This is goodbye.
Bob
I don't believe this. You don't want to be my friend 'cos I'm in a wheelchair.
Waitress
[listening nearby] What? That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
Frasier
[protesting] Look. You don't understand.
Bob
What's not to understand. You just said flat out — my chair repulses you
Patron #1
What kind of a person does that?
Frasier
Well�
Patron #2
I've got a birthmark on my back. I guess we can't be friends either!
Frasier
[in desperation] People please. Frankly this doesn't concern any of you.
Bob
When I think about all the gifts I gave you. All the barbecue sauce — Hot 'n' Spicy, Tex Mex, Mesquite, Teriyaki, Honey Mustard�
Frasier
[getting mad] Oh For God's sake Bob — put a sock in it.
Patron #2
[to Bob] We were just on our way to dinner. Would you like to join us?
Bob
I'd love to.
Bob
So. You guys like barbecue?
Patron#1
Yeah. Who doesn't?
Niles
Are these wing tips too busy with these pants?
Frasier
Well, yes. They're a bit frenzied. Perhaps a woven lace would tone down the glitz.
Niles
Might have to go overseas for that.
Frasier
No, not at all. You can get them downtown.
Niles
Well, who shops downtown anymore?
Frasier
Well I do for one�