Come Lie With Me

Joe

[kissing Daphne] Morning.

Daphne

[sleepily] Morning. [realising] Morning? Oh my God, Joe, get up! Get up! You were supposed to be out of here hours ago. [quickly putting on her dressing gown] You promised me that after we did the deed you'd be on your merry way.

Joe

I was.

Daphne

Get dressed. We've got to get you out of here before Dr. Crane gets up. [Daphne opens her bedroom door and takes a look outside] Oh, no. I smell coffee. They're already up!

Joe

Now don't worry. I'll just lay low until the two of them... [notices the clock] Oh my God, it's nine o'clock. I'm a half- hour late for work.

Daphne

Just give me a minute. I'll get rid of them.

Joe

Where's my underwear?

Daphne

Eddie, get back here!

Frasier

Good morning.

Martin

Maybe for you. I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants. That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me.

Frasier

Dad. Before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scales?

Martin

Oh, what's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks.

Frasier

Daphne?

Daphne

Oh. Good morning, Dr. Crane. Sorry I overslept. Well, time we all got our day started. I'll just clear these dishes away.

Martin

Wait, I wasn't finished with that yet.

Daphne

[deliberately dropping the éclair into Martin's orange juice] Whoops. Sorry about that.

Frasier

Daphne, I wasn't quite finished with that toast either.

Daphne

Oh, now, we can't have you running off to your squash game on a full stomach.

Frasier

Yes — how many championship matches have been marred by the heartbreak of toast cramp?

Daphne

[to Martin] Don't you have that Doctor's appointment?

Martin

Yes, but it's not for 20 minutes yet. What's going on here? Why are you giving us the bum's rush?

Daphne

Bum's rush! Oh, I just love the American vernacular. So cute. So quick. So long!

Martin

[heading through to the bedroom with Frasier following] Better get my wallet first. Damn pants! You know — you spend fifteen dollars on a good pair of pants - you expect them to be shrink resistant.

Frasier

Well, Dad, when you pay that kind of money what you're really paying for is the designer name!

Joe

Gotta go. I'm so late.

Daphne

Oh hurry, hurry, hurry!

Joe

I'll call you tonight.

Daphne

OK. Bye.

Frasier

Oh! Hello Joe.

Joe

Hi Dr. Crane. I just came by to give Daphne a kiss.

Joe

And drop off these shoes. [Handing shoes to Daphne] Here!

Daphne

Oh, thank you.

Frasier

Well. Can anyone think of anything to make this moment a bit more awkward than it already is?

Frasier

Thank you, Eddie!

Niles

Isn't that Dirk and Gabby Bindercott?

Frasier

Friends of yours?

Niles

Mmm. Filthy rich. Timber money. In their case it really does grow on trees! Dirk! Gabby! Oh, Dirk?

Dirk

Hello, Niles.

Niles

[introducing] Dirk Bindercott — my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.

Dirk

Ah — I've heard your program. [checks watch and then the door]

Frasier

Well — I've seen your wife.

Dirk

So Niles — I suppose I'll see you at the benefit on Sunday. I know Maris is coming.

Niles

Yes, Sunday. Which benefit is Sunday? I have so many benefits... on Sunday.

Dirk

The ho-down for the homeless. You were invited?

Niles

The ho-down? Yippee-kai-yes!

Dirk

[hears a tooting horn] Must be Gabby.

Niles

Certainly sounds like her.

Dirk

See you Sunday.

Niles

Yes. Till Sunday.

Niles

I wasn't invited.

Frasier

Niles, it's one party.

Niles

Yes, but when you're off the A-list for one party you're off for all of them. From now on I'll be relegated to B-list charity events. Grubby little theatre companies and last year's diseases.

Frasier

This often happens in these cases when two people separate — their friends choose one spouse over the other. Surely they chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do.

Niles

[looking at Frasier thoughtfully] Exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain?

Frasier

Niles, I just think you're overreacting.

Niles

Oh wait, wait. I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail. No — it's not so far fetched. It could have been missorted... or a stamp could have fallen off... or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!

Roz

Well I'd ask you to explain that but then you would!

Niles

[getting up] I'm going to check with the post office. You know — I heard a story on the news the other day about a man who bought a piano at auction and when he went to tune it he found a 40-year-old unmailed letter under the sounding board.

Frasier

Perhaps we should contact Ferrante & Teicher — see if they have your invitation?

Niles

Poke fun now. We'll see who feels foolish this Sunday when I'm sipping champagne atop a mechanical bull!

Roz

[to waiter] Cappuccino, please.

Frasier

Roz, I want to get your take on something.

Roz

What?

Frasier

Well. Daphne and Joe are having sex in my apartment and it leaves me in a rather awkward position.

Roz

Doing what? Bending over to look through the keyhole? Oh Frasier, come on, what is the big deal?

Frasier

Well, let's just say that I'm sitting there listening to music, reading a book... and Daphne and Joe are "back there."

Roz

So?

Frasier

Well, it just makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house anymore. Is that too...?

Roz

Amish?

Frasier

I was going to say selfish!

Roz

Oh, let's see. Please Daphne — don't have sex. It disturbs my reading! No, that's not too selfish.

Frasier

Well, I just don't think a man should be uncomfortable in his own home. How am I supposed to relax when every giggle, every noise makes me... you know...?

Roz

Picture it?

Frasier

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. The very idea.

Roz

You're picturing it right now, aren't you?

Frasier

Well, you made me.

Martin

Hey, Fras.

Frasier

Hey, Dad. Is Daphne in?

Martin

Yeah, and if you have any sense you'll pretend that nothing happened this morning.

Frasier

Ah, yes. Denial. The sort of advice I'd expect from a man whose driver's license still lists his hair colour as brown. [going through to Daphne's room.]

Martin

It was until you came back to town!

Frasier

Daphne. I think we need to discuss what happened this morning.

Daphne

It's been bothering me all day. It was entirely my fault.

Frasier

No, no. I share the blame. We never did have a formal discussion about the rules of the house, especially when it comes to... you know...

Daphne

I do want to apologise for any embarrassment I may have caused. You see, we can't go to Joe's because he's still building his house and he sleeps on a friend's couch. But I can assure you it will never happen again.

Frasier

Well, then our business is concluded. Meeting adjourned.

Daphne

The next time Joe spends the night, I'll notify you well in advance.

Frasier

Daphne. I was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting. There seems to be some confusion.

Daphne

Oh?

Frasier

You see, my quibble is not with the lack of notification. I am just not comfortable with you and Joe sleeping together under my roof.

Daphne

Oh, I see. I'm sorry about that, but it is my room, isn't it?

Frasier

Oh yes, yes. And I want you to feel comfortable living here.

Daphne

I suppose it's more important for you to feel comfortable because, as you said, it is your roof.

Frasier

Oh. Thank you for understanding.

Daphne

Not at all. Joe and I are going away for the weekend but first thing Monday I'm going to start looking for me own place.

Frasier

Guess who? Daphne... em... I don't want you entertaining here but I also don't want you to move out.

Daphne

Oh, I see. So you want me to stay, but just not have a personal life?

Frasier

Well...

Daphne

No, no. That works out fine for me. I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, then in the evenings retire to me room, wrap meself in an Afghan and wait for the morning. And if my whimpering gets too loud for you — you can just have me fixed like Eddie!

Frasier

That is not what I meant. This is difficult for both of us, Daphne. I have to express my feelings. I also don't want to lose you. You're very important to me and my father.

Daphne

That's why my solution is best. I'll still be here during the day to take care of your father but nights and weekends I'll just go home to my own place. On top of which you can turn this room back into your beautiful study you used to have.

Frasier

Well — I suppose, what other choice do we have?

Daphne

Of course it'll be a period of adjustment for all of us...

Daphne

...I know how much you two care about me and consider me part of the family but... [notices Frasier's smiling face] You're picturing your study right now, aren't you?

Frasier

[sheepishly] Well, you made me!

Martin

[singing] She's such a groovy lady!

Frasier

Morning, Dad.

Martin

Oh, morning.

Frasier

[picking up the newspapers and looking around him] You seen the phone?

Martin

Oh, I probably left it in my room again. Sorry. Hey, I'm making breakfast Burritos. You want one?

Frasier

I'll passo!

Martin

Suit yourself.

Frasier

Dad. Whatever happened to the silk pajamas I bought you?

Martin

Oh, Frasier, they're too la-dee-da for me. Besides, they shrank! [a beep comes from the kitchen] Whoa — there go my tater-tots. You want a pile?

Frasier

Not that I don't enjoy a "pile" of breakfast as much as the next guy but I still think no. Dad, are you planning on going around like that all weekend?

Martin

Yeah, why not? Daphne's off on her little trip. It's just us guys. Besides I've been wearing pants round here for three years. Enough!

Frasier

I see. Look Dad, I just have to do this [puts an apron on over Martin]

Martin

All right. Now, listen. It's no big deal but I couldn't find the remote control for the TV last night. Now I thought we agreed that its place was on that table next to my chair.

Frasier

What was it like in the old days when you actually had to get up to change the channel?

Martin

It was hell!

Martin

You expecting someone?

Frasier

The contractor. I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.

Martin

Why don't you use Joe?

Frasier

I think Joe's done enough work in that room, thank you!

Frasier

Henry. Thank you for coming on such short notice.

Henry

No sweat.

Frasier

I'll just show you the room. [leads Henry towards Daphne's room passing Martin at the table on the way] Oh, this is my father. [to Martin, forcefully] Don't get up! Like a cup of coffee?

Henry

That'd be great.

Frasier

Fine. Look, the room is right down the hall there to the right. I'll meet you there.

Henry

OK.

Frasier

Oh, Dad. This is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again.

Martin

So?

Frasier

Well, as I mentioned last evening, if it stays wet, not only does it begin to smell but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria.

Martin

So?

Frasier

So. If I were to say wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella, lysteria, flagella. Now wouldn't that bother you?

Martin

Yeah, I guess you're right — it would bother me. I wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now!

Frasier

Ah, yes. Our own foul-breathed little handy wet!

Martin

[turning off a light] You've been leaving lights on in the apartment all weekend. You know what that does to the electric bill?

Frasier

Suppose there's a nuclear power plant they had to build to keep that television on day and night?

Martin

You moved my chair again, didn't you?

Frasier

No!

Martin

Oh well, maybe Eddie did it. Eddie, you move my chair? 'Cause Frasier said he didn't do it and Frasier never messes around with my stuff.

Frasier

All right, I moved your damn chair. The way you have it turned ruins the symmetry of the room. The sight line loses all flow.

Martin

Oh, the sight line. And here I thought it was for some dumb reason.

Frasier

Would you get Eddie off of the couch, or else it's down through the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

Frasier

Well, howdy partner.

Niles

Save your snippy remarks.

Frasier

Fair enough. Say, am I crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow?

Niles

Stop it. I'm in the middle of a social crisis. I just drove to the ho-down for the homeless assuming that Maris had simply neglected to forward my invitation. Well, not only was I not on the guest list but Nelson, the parking attendant, said he missed me at "The Luau for Lupus." Now it is official. I'm a social outcast.

Frasier

Oh Niles, why do you even care about those people? In your hour of need they pretend you don't even exist. They treat you like you're a leper, a non-person.

Niles

But I really, really like them. I know, I know — it makes me sound pathetic. But I'm newly separated. These people have been my social circle for ten years. Frasier — they're my tribe.

Frasier

Well, I hate to break this to you, "Waltzes With Snobs," but they have left you on the mountaintop to die!

Martin

[coming in from the kitchen] Now Niles, maybe your friends wanted to invite you but they probably thought you'd be upset seeing Maris there.

Niles

Of course. You're absolutely right.

Frasier

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Niles

Oh, why are you so negative? These people do care about me.

Frasier

Oh fine, very well. Why don't you just call them? Prove to me I'm wrong.

Niles

Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Where's your phone?

Martin

It's in my bedroom.

Frasier

Where else would it be? [speaking to Niles as he goes through to Martin's bedroom] And Dad's electric shaver is in the kitchen. You see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend.

Martin

Well, are you proud of yourself, stirring things up? Why didn't you just let him think his friends were doing him a favour?

Frasier

Ah, yes. The Martin Crane approach. Better living through denial!

Martin

You did the same thing with Daphne. You couldn't just pretend that nothing was going on back there.

Frasier

Dad, I'm a psychiatrist. I don't pretend. I confront. I resolve.

Martin

[sarcastic] Oh yeah, you really resolved this. Now she's moving out. You know, I swear you just go looking for trouble.

Frasier

Oh, that is so untrue.

Frasier

AND PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN THIS!!!

Martin

A grown man's obsession with a sponge? No, I can't!

Frasier

For the last two days I've asked you again and again as politely as I can to wring out the sponge. But you don't even have the consideration to respect my feelings.

Martin

Because your feelings are stupid!

Frasier

But they're my feelings! And important to me! And because of that you should have the courtesy to respect them.

Martin

Just like you respect my feelings when I asked you not to move my chair.

Frasier

Oh, that makes no sense at all.

Martin

Oh, all right. [gets up out of his chair and takes the sponge out of Frasier's hand and goes through to the kitchen] You want me to dry that sponge? I'll dry that sponge! [Martin puts the sponge into the toaster] Give it about a minute.

Frasier

Oh, that's mature.

Martin

Oh, boy — you know what a tortured little world you live in? Newspapers strewn all over the place. Sponge germs coming after you. It's a wonder you can sleep at night!

Frasier

Oh, my dreams get me by. Like the one where I strap you in your chair and run around the house turning on all the lights...

Frasier

...even in the rooms I'm nowhere near. Boy, that electric meter must really be spinning now!

Daphne

Evening, all. Did you boys have a nice weekend?

Martin

[sarcastic] Barrel of laughs!

Daphne

Well, I had the loveliest time. [notices Eddie on the couch] Hey — Off! [picking up the newspapers on the floor] We found this little bed-and-breakfast right up the coast. [moves the remote control to Martin's table] I talked my decision over with Joe, [moves Martin's chair back to its original place] and he agreed it really is the best thing for everyone. Of course I'll still be here during the day to help your father with his exercises. [cleans up the table] But nights and weekends it'll just be you two carefree bachelors getting into trouble together. [puts one of the lights off before heading into the kitchen] I'm usually just underfoot around here anyway. [puts the newspapers in the bin then wrings the sponge out] So you see, my decision is best for everyone. Well, I've had a long weekend, so good night.

Frasier

Night, Daphne.

Martin

Frasier.

Frasier

What?

Martin

You know how an Oreo has that soft creamy filling between two hard cookies? That's what keeps them together?

Frasier

See your point, Dad.

Martin

Daphne's kind of the centre.

Frasier

I'll go and talk to her.

Martin

Now, you and me, we'd be the cookie part.

Frasier

I get it!

Frasier

May I come in?

Daphne

Yes, of course.

Frasier

Thank you, Daphne. Daphne... er... you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realised how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue. You don't really want that on your conscience, do you?

Daphne

No, of course not. Truth is, I do still think of this place as my home. But I know you'd never be comfortable knowing Joe and I were...

Frasier

I'd be willing to try.

Daphne

I know you better than that. It'll bother you and we'll both be miserable.

Frasier

Why can't I get past this? Oh, it'd just be easier if I could be like my father pretending you weren't in here making love.

Daphne

Making love? Is that what you think we were doing?

Frasier

Yes, of course.

Daphne

Oh no. There was nothing like that going on in here.

Frasier

Really? Seems rather implausible. I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to... er... how can I?

Daphne

Well, how could Joe and I make love? What with... er... Joe's war injury?

Frasier

I didn't even know Joe was a soldier. What war would that be?

Daphne

The Falkland Islands.

Frasier

But that was a British conflict and Joe's not...

Daphne

His parents have a summerhouse there!

Frasier

Oh, that's very unfortunate. Having a summerhouse in a war zone. But how-?

Daphne

He was kicked by a sheep.

Frasier

A sheep?

Daphne

Yes, a sheep — spooked by an air raid siren. Work with me.

Frasier

[now clearly pretending to believe whatever he is told — no matter how insane it is] Oh, I see. So, what you're saying is that Joe...

Daphne

Can't.

Frasier

Ah. Well, I suppose that changes everything.

Daphne

Yes, I suppose it does. But just so as we're clear - even though there's no actual lovemaking, Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night?

Frasier

As long as you don't read too loudly.

Frasier

She's staying. Turns out they're sleeping together but not having sex. [Martin looks puzzled] See, they can't have sex because of an injury Joe suffered when kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family were vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war.

Niles

Well, Dad was right. They are my real friends. It was all just a misunderstanding. Apparently the social chairman's dog ate my invitation. And the poor animal had to go to the vet and with all the confusion they forgot to send me another, and when I offered my new address for next year's party, they said, "no need — we'll see you around."

Martin

[joining into the spirit of the now-blatant lying as he tugs at his trousers] I'm going to start wearing sweat pants. That damned drier again. Hey, you guys want some cookies? They're reduced fat.

Frasier

Really? That means we can eat twice as many.