Moon Dance

Frasier

Well, we've got about thirty seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call. [presses button] Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.

Marlene

[v.o.] Oh my God, I'm really on?

Frasier

Yes, your problem, please...

Marlene

[dog barking] Lucky, Lucky, get down. George, get the dog! [Roz points urgently at the clock] Oh my God, this is so exciting! [baby crying] Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son! OK, OK, here it is, Dr. Crane: if my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger. [man calling "Hello!"] Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop! [sighs] I'll call you back. [hangs up]

Frasier

Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that sex with a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice! Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week, so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten, who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns," Oh My!

Roz

I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you. Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here?

Frasier

Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.

Roz

Oh well, have a great time.

Frasier

Oh, thanks. [hugs Roz]

Roz

And don't forget to bring me a present!

Frasier

I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.

Roz

You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eeew!

Frasier

No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...

Roz

Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade, what are you going to do now? [with wide-eyed innocence] I'm going to Butterworld!

Martin

Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you?

Daphne

What for?

Martin

Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog. You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off. [calling] Eddie!

Daphne

Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is?

Martin

[sarcastic] No, the faster he folds it. All right, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie; he did it in seven seconds. [starts timing] All right, come on boy, take it off. [Eddie doesn't move] Six... seven. OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle. [counts off on his watch] OK, so he's no poodle... he's not a beagle either... or a German shepherd... or a Labrador. Oh, for God's sake, Eddie!

Daphne

Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right, you'll have him doing it every time we have company.

Martin

Hey, I'll bet you're right! [takes the towel off and shakes a finger at Eddie] Nice going, Eddie!

Daphne

Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.

Niles

I appreciate the false cheer, Daphne. But I'm sure you've seen this? [holds up newspaper] Today's society page?

Martin

[covering his ears] Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me! I'm saving it for after dinner!

Niles

Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise. Her friends threw her a bon voyage party. Look at the photo. It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face!

Niles

I know, you can practically hear the zing zing zing of her heartstrings!

Daphne

[sympathetically] Oh, Dr Crane... [goes to the kitchen]

Martin

Sorry, Niles.

Niles

Oh, it gets worse. This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole. She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts. The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar!

Martin

Well, wait a minute, that's good news. If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about any one of them.

Niles

You think?

Martin

Yeah, sure! They're probably just her escorts. You know how she loves going to parties.

Niles

Yes, and she never liked going anywhere alone. Except to bed.

Martin

More good news. And Niles, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.

Niles

If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath. Women don't exactly find me irresistible.

Martin

Oh, come on, Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends.

Niles

Oh, let's count. There's Maris... oh no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica... I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.

Martin

You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still picture yourself as the same geeky kid you were in high school. But you've come a long way since then. And you're not doing yourself any favours sitting home every night. Now just think about it.

Daphne

Wine, Dr. Crane?

Niles

Well, wouldn't you?

Daphne

Oh, give it up, the man had every right to be proud of his dog.

Martin

Well, I just don't like show-offs, OK? [sarcastic] "Ginger, catch the frisbee. Ginger, roll over. Ginger, do my taxes!"

Daphne

Just because Eddie's not good at tricks...

Martin

The hell he isn't! He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain! Eddie's a thinker!

Martin

Just watch this. Open the door for him. [Daphne does] Now, I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys. [gives the command] Eddie, get your banana.

Martin

Now he's thinking, "which one's the banana?" [still not moving] Now he's thinking, "what the heck did I do with my banana?"

Daphne

Now he's thinking, "which one's the emergency button?"

Martin

Come on!

Daphne

Oh, Dr Crane!

Niles

Hello. I let myself in, I hope that's all right.

Martin

Fine. What's up?

Niles

Oh, I just stopped by to ask you a question. Are you free Saturday night?

Martin

Sure!

Niles

[gleefully] Well, I'm not! I have a date!

Martin

Oh!

Daphne

Oh! Bravo, Dr. Crane!

Martin

Good for you! Who is she?

Niles

Marjorie Nash, the "Fruit On The Bottom" yogurt heiress. I bumped into her at the Frye museum. Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears. I found myself asking her out. We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the "Snow Ball!"

Martin

Good for you!

Daphne

What's she like?

Niles

Well, she's terribly haughty and rumours persist about her husband's death. But still, a date's a date!

Daphne

Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.

Martin

I didn't know you could dance!

Niles

Oh, I can't.

Niles

Oh, dear. You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance... of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm. Oh, this is terrible! My first date's a miserable failure before it even begins. [reaches for his phone] I'll just have to cancel.

Daphne

All you need are a few dancing lessons. Why, I'd be happy to give you some.

Niles

You would?

Daphne

Yeah! Growing up, I used to practise all the time with my brother Billy - the ballroom dancer?

Niles

I couldn't prevail upon you like that, it would be too much trouble. [beat] We'll have to move this!

Niles

OK, now push the chair back [shoves ineffectively at it] Or not.

Daphne

Alright, we'll start with the box step.

Niles

Box step...

Daphne

It's very simple. Take my hand like so, and your other hand goes around my waist. [Niles does] Now, start with your left foot.

Niles

OK, which one?

Daphne

Oh, hush! Step towards me, then bring your right foot forward-and-over, and slide the left over to meet it. Then the right foot goes back, the left back-and-over, and the right slides next to it. And that's it! All right, once again. A one-two- [he steps on her foot] Oh!

Niles

Sorry.

Daphne

-three, a two-two-three, a three-two-three, a four-two three...

Niles

[struggling and staring at his feet] This is boring yet difficult.

Martin

Aw, there's no trick to dancing. It's just a matter of coordination. Hell, if you can ride a bike, or skip rope, or kick a ball, you can certainly...

Daphne

Alright, once again. A one-two-[he steps on her foot again] Oh!-three...

Daphne

You're really doing very well, Dr. Crane. Earlier you seemed a bit tense. You've really relaxed now though, haven't you?

Martin

Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp.

Daphne

Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba. [to Eddie] Eddie, fetch me a samba tape. Xavier Cougat. [Eddie just stares] Now he's thinking, "the later Hollywood stuff, or the early New York recordings?" [Niles and Daphne laugh]

Martin

Now guess what I'm thinking.

Daphne

I'll get it myself. [runs off to her room]

Martin

[moving off] Well, I'm going to hit the hay.

Niles

[in a rhythm, he acts out his verbs] Good-night -- bend-and- turn — see-you-in-the-morning — spin-and-dip -- [cell phone rings] there's-my-phone -- flip-and-push — Niles-Crane. [loses rhythm into the phone:] Oh, Marjorie. How are you? Oh, what a shame. Well, er, no no it's alright, there'll be other dances. No, no, I understand completely. Take care. [flips his phone shut] Guess I won't be needing those dancing lessons.

Martin

[sympathetically] I guess not. I'm sorry, son.

Daphne

I couldn't find any Cougie, but this'll do!

Daphne

Alright now, in the samba you have to hold me a little closer. You ready?

Niles

Daphne, there's one thing I wanted to mention...

Daphne

Yeah? [dancing more against him]

Niles

[entranced] I'm a dancer, a dancer dances!

Daphne

Here's my dancing partner. Hello, Fred!

Niles

Hello, Ginger!

Daphne

[to Martin] It's a little joke we have!

Niles

Look Daphne, I got two new CDs today. Tonight we master the mambo and the conga. I can feel myself growing a pencil-thin moustache just saying that.

Martin

You're having more lessons tonight?

Daphne

Oh, yes! He's going to be the best dancer at the ball. I'll just go get us some coffees.

Martin

Why didn't you tell her your date had cancelled? You don't need more lessons.

Niles

I wanted to, but she's just having so much fun!

Martin

Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?

Niles

What are you implying?

Martin

You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it, you're sticking a fork in the toaster here.

Niles

Well, my muffin's stuck! Besides, what's the harm in a few dance lessons?

Martin

It's nighttime. You're alone. The music's on. You've got your arms around her. You'll end up saying something you can't take back.

Niles

I have no intention of saying anything.

Martin

No one ever does. Take my word for it. When I was separated from your mother, there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. So whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "OK boys, I'll take it from here!" So one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.

Niles

Coroners have their own bars?

Martin

[exasperated] No, corner, Niles, the corner bar! Anyway, we had a few drinks, the lights were low, Sinatra on the jukebox. Before I knew it, it just all came pouring out of me. I told her how I felt. I mean, I knew the second it was out of my mouth that it was a mistake. She let me down easy but we still had to go on seeing each other all the time. It sure was no fun going to the morgue after that!

Daphne

So, what time are we starting your lessons tonight, Dr. Crane?

Niles

Actually, that won't be necessary. I just got a call from Marjorie. Something's come up. I won't be going to the ball.

Daphne

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

Niles

It's quite all right, and thank you for all your help. [Martin puts a comforting arm on his shoulder]

Daphne

[thoughtfully] It seems such a shame to waste all that hard work... I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but what would you say about our going to the dance together?

Martin

Now, now, he's already taken up too much of your time, Daphne, he couldn't ask you to do that.

Daphne

No, but it would be as much fun for me as it would be for him! I'd love an elegant evening out! What do you say, Dr. Crane?

Martin

[sure Niles will say no] Tell her what you say, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Pick you up at seven?

Daphne

[excitedly] Ooh, yes! [claps her hands] Great!

Martin

No, Eddie that's not your banana, that's Mr. Pig. Listen to the difference: pig, banana! Pig, banana! Pig, banana! [Eddie shows no reaction] Ah, I still love you, you little pinhead. Go sit down.

Martin

Oh Frasier, am I glad you're back! Listen, all sorts of....

Frasier

Dad, please, please! I have just spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick. I am technically still on vacation till ten a.m. tomorrow.

Martin

Yeah, but listen...

Frasier

[waving off Martin's protests] Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise, or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through, or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman!

Martin

But you don't understand...

Frasier

Dad, please! For all intents and purposes, I am not here.

Daphne

[excitedly] That'll be my date! Ooh, I'm so excited, this is me first ball! Oh, I hope he likes my dress...

Frasier

Daphne?

Daphne

[rushing by Frasier] Hello, Dr. Crane, welcome back!

Daphne

Hello!

Niles

[captivated] Wow!

Daphne

Ohhh, [giggles] you! [takes the rose]

Frasier

[mystified] Niles?

Niles

Oh, Frasier, you're back! [to Daphne] Well, our carriage awaits.

Martin

And you'd better get her home at a decent hour, I'm gonna be waiting up for you!

Daphne

[laughing] Oh, Mr. Crane!

Frasier

[dumbstruck] What the hell was that?

Martin

[looking around curiously] Eddie, did you hear sumpin'? [heads off towards the kitchen] Can't be Frasier, he's still on vacation!

Frasier

[following Martin doggedly] Dad, what was that? Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date? Dad!

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, it's so beautiful!

Niles

Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

Daphne

You know, when I was at school I knew a boy named Niles. I called him Niley.

Niles

[pause] Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

Niles

You're a vision... everyone's staring at you!

Daphne

Well, you look awfully handsome yourself... Niles. [sniggers]

Niles

Would you like some champagne?

Daphne

Oh, that would be lovely.

Niles

Be back in a moment.

Niles

Two champagnes, tout de suite.

Lacey

Niles, dear! How are you!

Niles

Just fine, thanks.

Lacey

Andrew, say hello to Niles.

Andrew

Haven't seen you for ages. Feel just terrible about you and Maris.

Lacey

Oh yes, we were just devastated. Positively everyone's talking about it.

Niles

Oh, and how is positively everyone?

Lacey

Devastated. We were just saying that to Maris, when we ran into her and Bradley Paxton at the Breever's Cup.

Andrew

No, she was with Calvin Oldi at the Breever's Cup.

Lacey

Well, it's so hard to keep track anyway. [laughs] Niles, if there's anything we can do to cheer you up? Just let us know...

Niles

[muttering to himself] Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.

Daphne

[takes their champagnes from the bartender] Well, they weren't very nice!

Niles

Well, everyone in our set seems to have this idea that while Maris is out living the high life, I'm sitting at home, crushed and lonely.

Daphne

Yeah, well, never mind those gossipy twits. Tonight, you're all mine. [puts the glasses on the table and opens her arms] Now take me in your arms, Niles, and let the music carry us away...

Conductor

Thank you, we'll be back in ten minutes.

Daphne

[laughing] I can't remember when I've had a better time. I'm on Cloud Nine!

Niles

I'd have to look down to see Cloud Nine! [leads her back to the table] Daphne, I must tell you again, that is an exquisite gown.

Daphne

Oh, thanks! It was way out of my price range, but did you ever see something and say, "I just have to have it?"

Niles

Where's my chair?

Daphne

[gasps] A tango! [stands and grabs his hand]

Niles

Oh, you never taught me a tango!

Daphne

Oh, you'll love it! It's perfect for you! This is a passionate, full-blooded dance that rose up from the slums of Buenos Aires.

Niles

Well, the parallels between me and an unemployed gaucho aside, I think we probably should just sit this one out.

Daphne

Oh, nonsense! There's only one rule in the tango: our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us. [she presses her body close to his]

Niles

[overwhelmed] I can do that.

Daphne

Stop! Don't be afraid! Daphne won't let anything happen to you.

Niles

I don't think-

Daphne

[grabs his face] Don't think! Just feel. [holds his lapels and seductively pulls him forward] You're an Argentine slum- dweller. You have no house, no car, you don't know where your next meal is coming from. But none of that matters. Because tonight... [they join hands and cast their eyes toward some imaginary moon] we have the tango!

Niles

[dips her; in an Argentine accent] Oh mama, I've got it all!

Daphne

That's it! You're dazzling! You're brilliant! But I feel you're holding back!

Niles

I am.

Daphne

Oh, this is no time for inhibitions!

Niles

I know.

Daphne

Oh. let it out Niles. Let everything out!

Niles

[passionately] Oh Daphne, I adore you!

Daphne

[eyes closed in rapture] I adore you too!

Niles

What?!?!?

Daphne

I adore you too.

Niles

[thrilled] Oh, how I've longed to hear those words!

Daphne

Oh, how I've longed to say them!

Niles

You're beautiful! You're a goddess!

Daphne

I don't ever want this moment to end!

Niles

Then let's not let it!

Niles

This is the most glorious night of my life.

Daphne

Oh, mine too...

Niles

Oh, Daphne! I'm a new man! Do you have any idea what I'm feeling?

Daphne

Of course I do! Your friends look positively dumbstruck. From now on there'll be no more of that "oh poor Niles" attitude...

Niles

Far from it!

Daphne

I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor!

Niles

[shocked] Actor?

Daphne

Yeah! "Daphne, you're a goddess, Daphne, I adore you..." We fooled everyone, didn't we?

Niles

[heartbroken] Oh...oh. We certainly did, didn't we? [lets go of her hand]

Daphne

I'm surprised it was so easy!

Niles

Well, given the right circumstances, anyone can be fooled.

Daphne

Ooh! What do you say to another dance?

Niles

No thanks, it's getting late and I've danced enough.

Daphne

Alright, then! I'll just go powder my nose and then we'll be off.

Claire

Niles? [he turns] No, no, please. Claire Barnes? I was an associate in your attorney's office.

Niles

Oh, yes, Claire. Uh, it's good to see you again.

Claire

Well, I heard about you and Maris. And I just wanted to give you my card and tell you you're free to call me anytime.

Niles

[taking it] Oh, thank you, but I'm happy with my attorney.

Claire

I meant to go dancing.

Daphne

Well, are you ready?

Niles

[looking at the card] No, I don't think I am. [drops it on the table]

Daphne

I beg your pardon?

Niles

Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go.

Daphne

Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we?

Niles

[laughing wryly] We certainly did.

Daphne

And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.

Niles

[pauses and removes Daphne's arm from his] Excuse me.

Niles

I'm ready now.