A Word To The Wiseguy

Frasier

Morning Daphne, Dad.

Daphne

Shhh! [re: Martin] You'll ruin his concentration! He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper. He's been at it for over an hour! I must say, I can see why he was such a good policeman.

Frasier

Yes, very impressive, isn't he? When he wakes up you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa!

Frasier

Dad, come on, rise and shine.

Martin

[waking up] Huh?

Frasier

You fell asleep. [he opens the door] Oh, good morning, Niles!

Niles

Hello.

Frasier

[looking for the paper] Ah yes, I see our newspaper thief has struck again!

Martin

Damn, he's good!

Frasier

[to Niles] Come on in.

Niles

This morning, for the first time since our separation, Maris actually picked up the phone and called me! She needs a favour.

Frasier

Well Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate. She called you just because she wants something?

Niles

No, no, not "wants," Frasier; "needs." This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her, and all I have to do is fix one small problem!

Martin

What's the problem?

Niles

Uh, she's wanted by the police. Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week, when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps. Well, I need not remind you what effect a Ferragamo sighting can have on Maris's hand-eye coordination. She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets!

Frasier

What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?

Niles

Oh, and to top it all off she neglected to appear for her summons, and so they immediately swore out a warrant, and that brings us to you, Dad.

Martin

Why?

Niles

You were a cop. I'm sure you still have "chums," hint-hint? Who could lend you a hand, wink-wink?

Martin

No. Look, you know I'd do anything for you, but not this. All my years on the force I never even fixed a ticket, let alone an arrest warrant.

Niles

You couldn't pull one little string?

Martin

No, I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.

Niles

Well, it's not. We'd all like to believe that justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake! The courts love to make examples of them.

Daphne

Oh, they do. Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Leona Helmsley.

Frasier

[sarcastic] Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women victimised by an unjust system.

Niles

Alright, fine. [standing] If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself. [goes towards door] I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice. Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it! [exits via front door]

Daphne

What a horrible thing to happen. Can you picture poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?

Frasier

Only if they moved the bars closer together.

Frasier

Well, that's it for today, folks! This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health! He hits the off-air switch, and Niles enters, distressed.

Niles

Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair!

Frasier

Well, right back atcha! I take it things didn't go down so well at the station?

Niles

The police simply would not listen to reason.

Roz

[entering from producer's booth] Police?

Niles

They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines. I felt sure they'd ease up if they understood Maris a little better, so I tried to explain her to them.

Frasier

Oh, dear God.

Roz

You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops...

Niles

Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

Roz

Oh! OK fine, you little weasel. Just forget it. I was going to help you, but Maris can just rot in the slammer.

Niles

[suddenly very apologetic] Ooh Roz, I was joshing! I know how you enjoy our little by-play! That weasel line, ouch, touché!

Roz

You know what, you're even more annoying when you grovel.

Niles

Zing! Got me again!

Frasier

Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please?

Roz

OK, for you. My friend Phil had some major traffic violations, and he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.

Frasier

Sounds just a tad shady, Roz. You mean he went to some hoodlum?

Roz

Well, I wouldn't use the word "hoodlum" in front of him. [Searches her rolodex] Just think of him as a guy who makes wishes come true. Like a fairy godfather. Another word I wouldn't use in front of him. [finds the card] Here we go! Jerome Belasco.

Niles

[takes the card] Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?

Roz

The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, just keep it to yourself.

Niles

[looking her up and down, searching for something nice to say] Consider it done. Roz snatches the card back, then Niles snatches it off her.

Niles

Give me that! Roz exits. Frasier takes the card from Niles.

Frasier

No, give me that!

Niles

Frasier!

Frasier

Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a, a Martin Scorsese film!

Niles

You don't understand what this means to me. When Maris asked me for this favour, do you know what she said? She said, "Niles, will you be my Commodore?"

Frasier

Her Commodore?

Niles

That's what she used to call her father. Frasier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.

Frasier

I'm sure.

Niles

Remember that lovely jeweled crucifix Maris picked up on her first communion trip to Rome? Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican?

Frasier

Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand, march them back to the scene of the crime and make them say, "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again"?

Niles

You don't understand. If I show Maris that I can step into the Commodore's plimsolls, she'll have a whole new respect for me. We can rebuild our marriage on a healthier foundation. Frasier, please.

Niles

Thank you. I just know this man is the answer to my problems.

Frasier

Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf! They both exit the booth, FADE OUT.

Frasier

Niles, look. This is ridiculous, it's past midnight. I'm leaving.

Niles

No, no, no, you can't leave. You're my backup. I wonder what's keeping him?

Frasier

Do you suppose that's him?

Niles

[scoffs] I doubt it, that overcoat is Armani!

Frasier

[sarcastically] Good point, Niles. Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that?

Jerome

Oh, Dr. Crane, I presume?

Niles

Oh, yes. I'm Niles Crane, this is my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.

Jerome

Jerome Belasco. [shakes hands with Frasier]

Frasier

Pleasure.

Jerome

Excuse my tardiness, but my lady friend and I were having one of those discussions from which it is difficult to remove oneself.

Frasier

[to Niles] Yes, we certainly know about those, don't we?

Niles

Yes, dames!

Jerome

So you have some problem you think I can help you with?

Niles

Well, I do. Please, Jerome.

Niles

Well, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of "Larry Law," and since then certain, shall we say, "complications" have arisen, and in brief, things have got "hot-hot-hot," and we believe you are the man to "turn on the air conditionin'."

Jerome

I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Just show him the charges, Niles.

Niles

[getting charge sheet out of pocket] Yes, here we are. Quite a few. [hands sheet to Jerome]

Jerome

[reading] "Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment." Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.

Frasier

Oh, yes. She's ounces of fun.

Niles

Do you think you could persuade the police to show some leniency?

Jerome

Well, there's never any harm in making a phone call. Excuse me.

Niles

Thank you! Yes, around and straight to the back.

Niles

[excitedly] He's making the call! He's making the call! Frasier, you're going to think I'm mad for saying this, but... that was fun!

Frasier

Well, I must admit, Niles, it is not entirely unpleasant to rub shoulders with the demi-monde. I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know?

Niles

Me too, me too! It's like an actual tingling in my chest. And now it's gone... there it is again! ...and now it's gone.

Frasier

Oh, Niles, it must be your cellular phone vibrating.

Niles

Oh, it is! You're right. [he reaches into his inside pocket and takes out the phone] Hello? Oh hello, Maris! Yes, I'm tending to that very matter right now. [he sees Jerome approaching] Oh, just wait a second.

Frasier

Well?

Jerome

You may consider the matter dealt with.

Niles

Maris, it's all taken care of... What did you say? No, I've just never heard those words before. You're welcome. [he hangs up the phone] Oh Jerome, thank you!

Jerome

Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I've got another business engagement.

Frasier

At this hour of the night? [looks at watch] My God, it's past midnight. What kind of business could it possibly be [realises what he's saying] ...of mine where you're going! [laughs nervously]

Niles

Tell me, what do I owe you? [Takes out wallet]

Jerome

Oh, nothing. I was happy I could help.

Niles

Oh, don't be silly. I insist!

Jerome

Consider it a favour. I was in a position to help you. Perhaps someday you'll be in a position to help me. [he stands to leave]

Niles

Oh, I would love that. If there's ever anything I can do for you, just say the word.

Jerome

You're very kind. It was a pleasure meeting you both.

Niles

And you. [calling after Jerome as he leaves] And I meant that! Anything at all, you just let me know!

Niles

[shaking his head] I shouldn't have said that, should I?

Jerome

Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Jerome! Look Niles, it's Jerome! [sotto voce] In my house!

Daphne

We've been having the most delightful chat.

Jerome

Dr. Crane, you're a lucky young man to have such a charming young woman in your employ.

Daphne

[obviously flattered] Oh, go on. Did you know his brother supplied the cement for this very building?

Niles

What a small world, oh look at the time!

Martin

So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.

Daphne

Oh wait, let me guess! [to Jerome] I'm a bit psychic. Let's see... you're some sort of doctor. An osteopath, perhaps?

Jerome

No.

Daphne

Well that's odd. I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.

Martin

[standing] Boys, why don't you help me get some refreshments for your new friend?

Frasier

Yes, yes! Excuse us, Jerome!

Martin

Who the hell is this guy?

Niles

He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris's legal problem, and in return I promised him a favour. Oh God, do you think that's why he's here? To collect?

Frasier

[sarcastically] No, Niles. He's probably having a luau and he came to borrow our Poi Ramekins!

Martin

Are you guys nuts? You don't get involved with somebody like that!

Niles

Wait, before we panic, we should at least talk to him. You know, get the "straight dope." Also known as "the skinny."

Frasier

Knock it off, Bugsy!

Jerome

Stealing newspapers is most un-neighbourly behaviour. If you would like I could find out who's doing it, and make sure they never even think...

Frasier

[interrupting] Oh no! No! That's fine!

Niles

So Jerome, is there something we can do for you?

Jerome

Since you ask, you may recall the other evening I mentioned my lady friend? If I may...

Daphne

Oh! She's a pretty thing, isn't she!

Jerome

This is at the dog track where we met. And here's our first Sinatra Concert. And this was at the funeral of a business associate.

Frasier

You know, for the life of me, I can't recall ever having seen a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs all at the same time.

Jerome

Well, Brandy is a uniquely stylish woman.

Niles

Brandy?

Jerome

Yeah, the traditional spelling.

Jerome

We've been engaged for eight years, but she refuses to set a wedding date. This upsets me. It also upsets my mother, whose comments on the subject are frequent and vivid.

Martin

So where do these two come in?

Jerome

Well, if she's reluctant to marry me, obviously she needs therapy.

Frasier

Well, you're in luck! Niles happens to be one of the finest marriage counselers in all of Seattle!

Jerome

Well actually, Dr. Crane, I would prefer it if Brandy spoke to you.

Frasier

To me?

Jerome

[to Niles] No offense to you, Dr. Crane.

Niles

[very relieved] Oh, none taken!

Jerome

She's a great fan of your show. I'm sure she'd heed any advice that you might care to offer. Such as "Marry him. Promptly." But I'm not here to put words into your mouth. You'll know what to say. [he gets up to leave]

Frasier

Jerome, you know I'm a psychiatrist. I'm used to rendering my opinion, not being a mouthpiece for someone else. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

Jerome

Dr. Crane, there are some times in life we must do unpleasant things. I'd hate to tell you some of the unpleasant things I've had to do.

Frasier

I see. Well then, why don't you just give Brandy my unlisted home number, which I'm sure you came across when you were finding out where I lived. I'll be glad to chat with her.

Jerome

Thank you. She'll be in touch. [shakes Frasier's hand] And I hope that one day you'll dance at my wedding. He leaves.

Frasier

If I'm able to dance.

Martin

If you ask me, you're getting off easy. He could have asked you for a much bigger favour.

Frasier

Dad, how can I possibly as a self-respecting psychiatrist tell any woman to marry that thug?

Daphne

What are you talking about? He seemed very nice to me.

Frasier

This coming from the psychic who thought he was a chiropractor!

Martin

Listen, I've heard your show. One more piece of half-assed advice isn't going to kill you. Frasier gives him a look.

Martin

Jerome, on the other hand...

Frasier

Okay, dad!

Frasier

The key to lasting weight-loss is to change the way you view food everyday. You can't go on through life binging and then starving yourself for two weeks just to fit into that gorgeous new evening gown you've bought for a special occasion. Can you understand that?

Steve

[v.o.] Yeah. Thanks Doc.

Frasier

Don't mention it, Steve. Roz, who's our next caller?

Roz

We have Randy, from Richmond Beach.

Frasier

Hello Randy, I'm listening.

Brandy

Not Randy, Brandy. [Frasier looks suddenly worried]

Frasier

Brandy?

Brandy

The traditional spelling.

Frasier

You know we're all out of time, my goodness I feel so sorry but...

Roz

No, you're not. We've got five minutes left!

Frasier

Thank you, Roz! Alright Brandy, go ahead. Your problem, please.

Brandy

It's my boyfriend, Jerome. He said I should call you. We've been semi-engaged for eight years, and he wants to get married.

Frasier

Well, I can certainly hear the love in your voice, so I say case closed, best of luck to you in the future!

Brandy

Whoa! You got a bus to catch?! There's a lot more to it. For starters I think he's cheated on me.

Roz

Well, in my experience, if you suspect something like that, nine out of ten times you're right.

Frasier

Well, I think a little mistrust adds mystery to a relationship.

Brandy

Mystery I could stand if he didn't neglect me so much. Every time we go for a romantic dinner he gets a phone call and bang, it's "Gotta work babe, finish your lobster. I'll send you a limo."

Frasier

Lobster? Limos? My God, give me his number and I'll marry him!

Brandy

Money ain't everything, especially when you've got a sex life like ours...

Roz

He's not even good in bed?

Brandy

Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out!

Frasier

You know, this really isn't necessary...

Brandy

I said to him last night, "What the hell was that?! I've been vaccinated slower!"

Frasier

Well, that just leaves more time to cuddle!

Roz

Can I say something?

Frasier

No!

Brandy

Look, I could deal with the other problems, if it weren't for one thing. All my life I've dreamed of being a career woman, but he says I'm not allowed to work! I'm supposed to sit home all day, let him take care of me. So, what do you think Doc? Should I marry him?

Frasier

Well... taking into account the years you've invested in the relationship, and Jerome's obvious love for you, not to mention his generosity...

Brandy

Tell me what you think Dr. Crane 'cause I really, really respect you.

Frasier

Brandy... run! [Roz holds up two thumbs] Save yourself. Do not marry this man. [he presses the button to cut her off] This is Dr Frasier Crane, saying goodbye, and see you, God willing, tomorrow.

Frasier

Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!

Niles

Hello, Frasier.

Frasier

Niles! Don't do that!

Niles

Sorry. [to waiter] Double espresso, please. [to Frasier] I heard you on the radio today. I thought what you did Was noble. [pause] To what South American nation will you be fleeing?

Frasier

Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!

Niles

Frasier, I never meant for any of this to happen. How long are you going to stay mad at me?

Frasier

For as long as I live. Which'll probably take us through breakfast.

Frasier

Oh, wrong again!

Niles

Oh, oh look! It's Jerome Belasco! Jerome, take a seat! Look Frasier, it's our friend, [turns to lady sitting behind them] Jerome Belasco.

Jerome

I heard your broadcast this afternoon. It displeased me. [the waitress comes over to get his order] Yeah, let me have a little hot milk, please. When I'm displeased I get acid in my stomach, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do is displease you. Or to hear the words "acid" and "Dr. Crane" in the same sentence. But - Jerome, I'm sorry - how could I have advised her otherwise? She said that you cheated on her.

Jerome

She said she suspected me! I've never cheated on Miss Brandy.

Frasier

Alright, be that as it may, how can I advise her to marry a man who's so controlling that he won't even allow her to work?

Jerome

It may interest you to know that over the years I've called in favours to get Miss Brandy fourteen jobs! She lost all of them.

Frasier

So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?

Jerome

No, I'm saying she's a dodo. Now you may love a dodo; you may think the dodo is beautiful; you may even wish to marry the dodo. But you do not encourage a dodo to fly! Now, when she loses these jobs it makes her very unhappy. So for her sake I said "No more jobs." But now, in order to convince her to marry me, I've had to reverse this policy.

Frasier

So she has agreed to marry you?

Jerome

If I get her a job. And not just any job. A job that she can never lose. A job where if she burns the place down, they will apologise to her for having made it so flammable.

Niles

Well, good luck finding someone who'll hire her.

Daphne

Dr. Crane, your brother called. The court time for your tennis game is 11 o'clock.

Frasier

Oh, good Lord. I distinctly told him I wasn't available until noon.

Martin

Hey, if you're going to call him back, put it on the speakerphone.

Frasier

Don't you think this is getting a little old?

Daphne

Well I think it's just mean, is what I think.

Martin

So sue me, I enjoy it.

Brandy

[v.o.] Good morning! Niles Crane, psy-kee-at-trist.

Frasier

Yes, is Dr. Crane there? This is his brother, Frasier.

Brandy

Oh hi, Dr. Crane. It's me, Brandy. Hang on, I'm getting another call.