Look Before You Leap

Skyline

A helicopter rises above the skyline.

Martin

Hey, Daphne! You seen Eddie?

Daphne

No, I haven't.

Martin

It just doesn't feel right to start the day without him licking me awake.

Daphne

Well, don't look at me.

Frasier

Morning, all. Daphne, I got treats!

Martin

What the hell are you doing with him?

Frasier

We went for a walk.

Martin

I'm talking to Eddie.

Frasier

When I saw what a beautiful day it was, I headed for the park. Of course, the only people in the park at this hour of the morning without dogs are winos and that guy in the harem pants that washes his hair in the fountain. He says hello, by the way.

Daphne

It is sort of nice out, isn't it?

Frasier

Sort of nice? My God, haven't you people noticed this? It's incredible! Dad, you should feel this. It's eighty degrees outside and it's the middle of February!

Daphne

Oh, it is beautiful, and in the middle of such a terrible winter. Oh, I love nature's little aberrations warm days in winter, four leaf clovers, Australians…

Frasier

Yes, it is glorious. It defies you not to take a moment to acknowledge the power that created it.

Martin

[out the window] Thank you, global warming! Hey Frasier, think your guy down at the liquor store could send a bottle of Scotch to my buddy Jimmy in Montana?

Frasier

Sure, Dad. What's the occasion?

Martin

Today's his sixteenth birthday.

Frasier

Oh well, you'll want to throw in a hooker too, won't you?

Martin

No, don't you get it? It's February 29th.

Frasier

Hmm.

Martin

It's a leap year.

Frasier

Right.

Martin

He only gets a birthday every four years.

Frasier

I get it, Dad.

Martin

He's really sixty-four.

Frasier

I can do the math.

Martin

Jimmy's having a big shindig tonight. A lot of guys from the force fly in for it. Everybody drinks a lot of beer, and then they have a contest to see who's got the biggest scar. You know, this year I had a real good chance of winning it now that "Shark Bait" O'Reilly's finally died.

Daphne

So, why aren't you going?

Frasier

Yeah Dad, you should go.

Martin

Ah, Montana's too far away.

Frasier

Well Dad, his birthday only comes around once every four years. As a matter of fact, this day only comes around every four years. You know, it's like a free day, a gift. We should do something special, be bold! It's leap year, take a leap!

Martin

You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you.

Daphne

Your son's right. You shouldn't be afraid to shake up your routine a little bit.

Martin

Hey, I don't see you taking any big leaps today.

Daphne

If there was something I wanted to do, I would do it.

Martin

Well, you're always whining about wanting to change your hair.

Daphne

[whining] I don't whine!

Martin

[imitating] "I'm so sick of me hair. Do you think I should get it cut like Princess Di? Ooh, do you think that'd make me cheeks look too fat? That reminds me of the craziest thing me Grammy Moon used to say!"

Martin

I'll pay for the damn haircut if you stop yakking and just do it.

Daphne

Yes, well I'll pay for you to go to Montana. [aside to Frasier] That's not the one next to New Hampshire, is it?

Frasier

No. And Dad can pay for his own trip.

Daphne

All right, then. And I can pay for me own haircut.

Frasier

All right, Dad, back in your court. Are you up to the leap year challenge?

Martin

Ah...

Frasier

Dad, Jimmy's already sixteen. How many more birthdays is he going to have?

Martin

[smiles] You know, I would kind of hate not being there when Jimmy brings out the big ham. Oh, all right, what the hell, I'll go. I'll call the airlines after breakfast.

Frasier

That's the spirit!

Martin

Hey, what's your big leap year challenge?

Frasier

Well, have you forgotten? I'm singing "Buttons and Bows" tonight at the P.B.S. pledge drive.

Martin

You sung that same stupid song for the last three years.

Frasier

Yes, but I'm doing something remarkably fresh and different with it this year!

Martin

You're just blowing smoke, aren't you?

Frasier

Like a '56 Rambler!

Frasier

Good morning, Niles!

Niles

Good? It's glorious, heaven-sent! And you know why? Maris called! She wants to get together with me this evening.

Frasier

Oh Niles, that's wonderful news! It's high time you and Maris sat down and talked through your problems.

Niles

She doesn't want to talk. When she says "get together" she means in the "You wear the cr�me fraiche, I'll lick it off" sense. She's cleared her schedule from seven till seven- thirty, that means foreplay AND cuddling!

Martin

[gets up] You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams?

Niles

Yes.

Martin

It's a two-way street.

Daphne

Breakfast, Dr. Crane?

Niles

Uh yes, thank you, Daphne.

Frasier

Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands, you come running?

Niles

Oh well, don't forget there's a little something for me in this too. I haven't had sex in six months.

Frasier

Oh, surely you're exaggerating, you've only been separated for three.

Niles

And your point would be?

Frasier

You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?

Niles

Substitute a 16th-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll!

Frasier

Niles, you and Maris have not sat down and discussed your problems. As a psychiatrist you know that sex will only cloud the issues.

Niles

You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

Frasier

Oh, Niles...

Niles

Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.

Frasier

Well, will you at least think about what I've said?

Niles

I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning, so I have a very small window of opportunity.

Frasier

Niles... you know I'm right.

Niles

[frustrated] You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!

Frasier

[shakes a finger at him] I most certainly am too!

Niles

[grabs his hand] Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

Frasier

Niles...

Niles

Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. [he sits back down] It's not going to be easy, though.

Frasier

Of course not. Just don't think about sex.

Daphne

[o.s.] Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Grandma in a teddy.

Niles

[thinks, then] Thank you.

Frasier

You're all mine in buttons and bows! [pushes the door closed with his foot]

Roz

Oh God, it must be P.B.S. pledge time again.

Frasier

Mmm-hmm! Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it's springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.

Roz

If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

Frasier

Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.

Roz

Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?

Frasier

Well, alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.

Roz

My car wouldn't start, so I had to take the bus. And we're all crowded on there, when suddenly I smell Lagerfeld, and I — I look up, and there he is.

Frasier

Carl Lagerfeld?

Roz

His name is Gary. I don't know his last name. Anyway, we got to talking, and you know, we were really connecting. I started to believe in kismet. And all of a sudden, all these people want to get off the bus, and I'm in their way, so I get off to let them out, and before I can get back on, the damn bus drives off — out of my life, forever.

Frasier

I'm sure another one would have come along in ten minutes or so.

Roz

I'm talking about the guy.

Frasier

So am I.

Roz

You don't get it, Frasier. I mean, I really felt this guy was the one.

Frasier

Roz, if you really want to try to find him again, you know we do reach half a million listeners. Why don't you just tell your story on the air?

Roz

On the air? Oh, I couldn't do that, it would make me look pathetic. Oh, it's too bizarre, it's too needy.

Frasier

[looks at the clock] It's two o'clock.

Roz

Oh my God!

Frasier

A glorious good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm thinking a lot today about leap year. Today is February 29th, and although it isn't an official holiday, perhaps it could be looked upon as one in a metaphorical sense. Just as Christmas reminds us to be generous of spirit, so leap year reminds us to take a leap in our own lives. To be bold, try something new. Too often we shrink from doing things we really want to, held back by... oh, appearing foolish, perhaps... Roz?

Frasier

Is there anything you'd like to say before we start taking calls?

Roz

No.

Frasier

I'm reminded of a quotation by John Greenleaf Whittier: "For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been’"… Roz?

Roz

No.

Frasier

Did you know that a woman over the age of thirty has less chance of getting married than of being killed in a terrorist attack?

Roz

This is to Gary. I was on the Number Seven bus around noon, and you were a stockbroker with a tan briefcase and a cleft chin, and the bus was really crowded and we both reached for the hand strap and our hands touched and we laughed and you said I had a really great laugh and I said you had a really great laugh and we laughed at that...

Roz

Anyway, uh, you asked me if I were free on Friday, but we got separated before I could give you my phone number, which I would have because I really liked you and I thought you were cute.

Frasier

So Gary, if you're listening, please, please give us a call. We'll be right back after these words.

Frasier

Oh my God, oh my God! How could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute" — who am I, Marcia Brady?!

Frasier

Well, we'll be right back for more calls, and more on the search for Gary, after this news break.

Niles

Good news! I've figured out a way I can have sex and we can all be happy!

Frasier

As I pause to make sure the "ON AIR" light is off, [Niles looks at the light, mortified] continue.

Niles

Well, I was driving down the freeway [glances at a passing woman] trying hard not to notice the provocative decals truckers have on their mud flaps, when I heard your little speech about breaking out of familiar patterns.

Frasier

Mmm-hmm.

Niles

Well, sleeping alone has been my pattern! I'm ready to take a leap!

Frasier

No, you're not.

Niles

Okay, not a leap, but you've got to give me something. A hop, a bound. [hopping up and down] Gimme a jump, oh God-!

Frasier

[grabs him] Niles, will you just get a grip!

Frasier

If you thought being with Maris was the right thing to do, you'd be there with her. You know it's wrong. That's why you're here, asking for my permission.

Niles

Frasier, Frasier, what if we don't have sex? What if we just snuggle?

Roz

Whoops, excuse me!

Niles

Roz... I never noticed what a perky little walk you have.

Frasier

Niles, get back! You just stop that! Get control. My God, man, there are far more important things here than simple immediate physical gratification.

Niles

You're right, I... I just have to martial my self-discipline and... and be strong.

Roz

Fifteen seconds.

Frasier

Oh.

Roz

[looks down the hall] What is wrong with your brother today?

Frasier

Oh, ignore him. You know, human nature never ceases to amaze me — how otherwise rational people can be turned into babbling ninnies by their hormones.

Roz

OH MY GOD! IT'S GARY! OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM!

Frasier

Well, we're back. You'll all be glad to know that Cupid's arrow has hit its mark. Gary has just arrived in the hallway, and has a big bouquet of flowers for Roz.

Frasier

You know, the truth is, I'm really quite delighted with the way things have turned out today. It inspires me to take a little leap of my own. As many of you know, this evening, for the third year in a row I will be appearing on the P.B.S. pledge drive...

Gary

You know, I was getting a little nervous, the way you were describing me on the air.

Roz

Why?

Gary

Well, my wife listens to the show.

Roz

You're married?

Gary

Yeah, but it's okay. I still want to go out with you.

Frasier

So, instead of "Buttons and Bows," I have chosen to sing a very challenging aria from Verdi's Rigoletto - something I have never attempted outside the shower. I certainly hope my little gamble turns out as well as Roz's has.

Frasier

Or even better.

Frasier

Oh, God!

Niles

Well, perhaps they'll pledge to get you to stop singing. Oh, and by the way, thanks so much for the cold shower tip.

Frasier

Did it work?

Niles

No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tail, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.

Frasier

Yes, well I suppose it stood to reason being showered with coldness would only bring Maris more to mind.

Niles

Keep making remarks like that, I won't help you rehearse.

Frasier

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. It's just that I'm awfully nervous.

Niles

[pouring sherry] You know, as much as I admire your willingness to take a leap, I did warn you that you were getting into a dangerous "aria." [wan chuckles] Oh God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration. It's high school all over again.

Frasier

Look Niles, I know it's difficult, but Maris has got to learn that you're not just someone who can be ordered to perform at will. Now sit, play!

Martin

Next time it looks like I'm going to follow a piece of your advice, shoot me in the head first!

Frasier

Dad! Why aren't you in Montana?

Martin

Fifteen minutes out, a flock of Canadian geese flew into one of our engines. They were the lucky ones!

Martin

Next thing you know, we're falling five thousand feet. Smokehouse almonds are flying everywhere, people are screaming and hugging each other. The guy in the next seat grabbed hold of my hand, and you know what? I didn't pull it away!

Martin

Then our pilot comes out. Our landing gear's out, we're gonna have to do an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam! So, five hellish minutes later, we're bouncing across the runway. Then the stewardess comes out and says we're gonna have to go down the emergency slide. So down I go, headfirst into this sea of foam. Last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!

Frasier

My God, Dad, I am so sorry.

Niles

So-so, these stewardesses, were they also covered with foam?

Frasier

Will you stop it! Dad, if you'd like to talk about it, we're both here for you.

Martin

Boy, I tell you, times like this, you just... all you can think of is your loved ones, and how you wish you'd spent more time with them.

All

Eddie!

Niles

Well, let's get back to work.

Frasier

Mmm-hmm.

Niles

[checks his watch] I need something to take my mind off the fact that at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into a non-fat milk bath.

Niles

Is something wrong?

Frasier

Yes, something's wrong. Things turned out so badly for Roz and Dad today, I'm just wondering if my little leap is ill- advised.

Niles

Oh, now...

Frasier

Maybe this aria thing won't turn out so well, either.

Niles

Just because theirs went wrong doesn't mean yours will, too.

Frasier

Yeah...

Niles

They're two isolated incidents.

Niles

All right.

Niles

Oh, will these infernal temptations never end?!

Daphne

Oh, tell me the truth. Is it as bad as I think it is?

Frasier

[stalling] How... bad do you think it is?

Daphne

[sobbing] Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! Your fault!

Niles

Okay, that's it. I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving.

Frasier

No, Niles! You can't leave me now, I need you more now than ever.

Niles

Oh, give it up. No one who's followed your little "take a leap" philosophy has ended up even remotely better. I don't care what you're saying, I'm going to Maris.

Frasier

You will rue the day!

Niles

I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

Frasier

Oh, Pete.

Pete

Hi, Doc. I hear you're doing something new this year. [sees music] Whoa!

Frasier

[hopefully] What, is it too hard for you?

Pete

Me? No, I'm-I'm worried about you. I can hit any note. [hits high note] See?

Roz

No, Lamb Chop's not here. Big Bird isn't here either. What are you doing up so late? Oh. Do you have your mommy's credit card handy? [Frasier comes over] Have your mommy call us back later, bye-bye.

Roz

Well, I guess your little aria must be coming up soon.

Frasier

Yeah - along with some Veal Milanese and a rather disappointing Chardonnay. Oh, Roz, I hope you're not still angry with me for the way my advice backfired today?

Roz

Oh no, not at all! In fact, I've been meaning to tell you how much I admire you for what you're doing tonight. After watching me crash and burn like that, you're going to go out and sing this very difficult song... in a foreign language... under these unflattering lights, with your clothes soaked with sweat, on live television...

Frasier

How long are you going to stay mad at me?

Roz

Until the day I get married.

Pete

Yo, Doc, Doc! [Frasier crosses] Please, please, I've been going over your music, and when we get to this section here, either I can play really loud, or jab you with a pin, because between you and me, you're not hitting this note without a pole vault.

Manager

Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

That's it! That's it! I'm not doing the aria!

Roz

What? You're backing out after you made all of us take those stupid leaps?

Frasier

You bet I am! It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's!

Roz

But you promised all your listeners!

Frasier

Oh, what's the difference?! [a red light on the camera blinks on] Who watches P.B.S.?!

Frasier

I'll tell you who: discerning, cultured viewers, like yourselves. Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. And like yourselves, I care about quality programming, such as foreign films, classical music, opera — which is why I intended to sing a rather challenging piece: an aria from Verdi's Rigoletto. But, who am I to ignore the dozens of phone calls that have come in requesting my signature piece, a rather charming little ditty that I first sang three years ago on Classic Western Movie Week. So without further ado, I give you "Buttons and Bows," from Paleface. Maestro, please?

Frasier

[singing]

Daphne

Oh, I bet this is one leap year Dr. Crane won't be sorry to see the back of!

Daphne

Should we rewind it, so we can watch it again?

Martin

No, no, not yet, let it finish first, this is the verse where he REALLY loses it!

Both

[singing] Bippity-boppity, hippity-dos Something and something, and buttons and bows!

Martin

Okay, now you can rewind it!

Martin

Hey!