High Crane Drifter

Roz

Well, it's uh... 2:07, here on the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. As I said, I'm Roz Doyle, Frasier's producer, [looks to see if Frasier is coming] filling in for the temporarily detained Dr. Crane. [picks up a copy] It's cloudy and 62 degrees outside coming up on 2:08... [looks at clock] right... there. Well, let's take a call. Hello, Lydia. What seems to be the problem?

Lydia

[v.o.] I already told you.

Roz

Yeah, that was when I was the call screener, now I'm the host. So, tell me your problem, and take your time.

Lydia

Well, it started about two weeks ago. I got this terrible obscene phone call. It's happened several times since then and now it's to the point where I'm afraid to answer my own phone.

Roz

Well, obscene phone calls can be very disturbing. [Frasier bursts in] But luckily, Dr. Frasier Crane has just arrived and I'm sure he knows exactly what soothing things to say.

Roz

[into microphone] Maybe now would be a good time to take a break. We'll be right back after this. [pushes in a cart]

Frasier

What the hell was that all about?!

Roz

Oh, never mind that, where were you?

Frasier

Oh, god. Somebody'd parked in my space again. I had to park six blocks from here and sprint the whole way. By the end, my tweed pants were throwing off so many sparks I almost caught myself on fire! I tell you what - the minute we go to a news break I'm going to rush down there and put this withering note on his windshield. [writing] "Dear discourteous driver..."

Roz

Whoa! I think you've said enough right there! [snatches his note] Come on, Frasier. This isn't gonna do any good! You want to make an impression on him? Get tough. You go right down there and let the air out of his tires.

Frasier

Oh, I wouldn't do something like that.

Roz

Why? It's just inconveniencing him like he inconvenienced you.

Frasier

Roz, listen, the world has become uncivilized enough without me stooping to that level. Of course I was sorely tempted last night. I went to the movies to see "How Green Was My Valley." Lady Luck seated me in front of two elderly women who said with the arrival of each new actor, "My God, doesn't he look young; he's dead, you know." Finally I had to just walk out.

Roz

Oh, you're on in five seconds. And Brenda is on line one. [enters her booth]

Frasier

[on air] Hello, Seattle. We're back, and I would like to start by apologizing for being tardy. Nothing quite so inconsiderate as making someone wait. Now without further ado let's get to Brenda. Hello, Brenda.

Brenda

[v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. I'm having a problem with my sister. She's always... [her phone clicks] Oh, wait a second. That's my other line. [clicks over]

Frasier

[annoyed] Something tells me I'm going to be siding with Brenda's sister.

Frasier

You're welcome! [walks up to the counter] Excuse me, I was wondering if you could direct me to...

Clerk

Friendly Video. Yeah, I think we got that one. Hang on a second, I'll check.

Frasier

[to a customer behind him] Don't you hate that? You come all the way down here yourself to the store, wait patiently, and somebody who calls in from home gets preferential treatment.

Clerk

I can help the next person in line.

Clerk

Hey, do we have "The Invisible Man?"

Frasier

Right here!

Clerk

Thanks. [in phone] Yeah, we got it. [hangs up]

Frasier

Excuse me. I was looking for... [the phone rings again; the clerk reaches for the phone, but Frasier places his hand on top of it] Don't even think about it! I'm looking for "How Green Was My Valley."

Clerk

Huh?

Frasier

It is a beautifully acted depiction of life in a small town in Wales. It won five Academy Awards! It's a classic!

Clerk

Oh. Well, uh, this is a shot in the dark, but you might try looking in the Classics section.

Frasier

Uh... you're taking "How Green Was My Valley?"

Woman

I heard it was great.

Frasier

Yes, but you heard it from me! You were standing next to me in the line! [she says nothing and takes her place in line; Frasier, frustrated, goes back to the clerk] Excuse me, is there another copy?

Clerk

Oh yeah, that would be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex.

Martin

[chuckling] Hey Daphne. Come on, you're just in time. It's starting.

Daphne

I don't get this show. People send in videos of themselves having the most embarrassing and painful accidents. They add cartoon noises and music and everyone laughs themselves silly.

Martin

[laughing at the TV show] Boy, I bet that hurt!

Martin

Well, what's wrong with you?

Frasier

Frankly, I have had it with the whole boorish, ill-mannered world. Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight? I went to three video stores to get this tape. I'm just dying to see it.

Martin

Sure, go ahead. How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door?

Frasier

[staring at Eddie] Depends upon the dog.

Frasier

What the hell is that?! The windows are rattling, the walls are shaking, and I am talking to no one!!

Daphne

[entering] Well, I see our neighbor's at it again.

Frasier

[grabs the phone] Not for long!

Martin

[entering] I'm gonna take a nap.

Frasier

Dad, you can't possibly expect to sleep in this racket.

Martin

Are you kidding? I've slept through worse than this. In Korea I dropped off in a foxhole right outside P'Anmunjom. By the time I woke up the cease-fire was over and I was the only one who didn't know about it. Talk about having egg on your face. [exits]

Frasier

[in phone] Yes. Yes, would you please connect me with the young man who's just moved into the penthouse upstairs. No, I don't know his name! He's in the penthouse! He has shaggy hair, tattoos all over him, his body is pierced. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this but he's in the penthouse!

Frasier

[into phone] Never mind. [hangs up; to Daphne] Has the world completely lost the concept of common courtesy? Am I the only one who is resisting this tide?! [walks out onto the balcony and bellows:] People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?! [walks back in and gets a glass of sherry]

Daphne

That's his own music he's listening to, you know. His name is Freddie Chainsaw.

Frasier

Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?

Daphne

His last album sold five million copies.

Frasier

Oh. Well, then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.

Daphne

You know, personally, I like it. But then, we Brits have always been on the cutting edge. You should have heard the punk rockers who rented the flat below me a few years back. They'd play the same song over and over again: [singing] Flesh is burning... nana nana nana. Flesh is burning... nana nana nana. [sighs] Oh no. I'm gonna have that tune in me head all day now.

Frasier

Yes, well, thank you for that, Daphne. But I've been waiting all day to watch my movie.

Frasier

Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?! [he grabs for the phone again and dials the operator] Hello. Yes. Please, I insist on being connected with the young man in the penthouse. [the music stops as Mr. Chainsaw answers his phone] Yes, hello, Mr. Chainsaw? Yes, how do you do? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I am your neighbor; I live right below you. Yes, do you have any idea how loud your music is? Oh. You do? Well... thank you. [he hangs up the phone, pleasantly surprised] Well, that wasn't so bad. The young man seemed quite amiable in his way.

Frasier

I'm going out!

Daphne

What?

Frasier

I'm going out!

Daphne

What?

Frasier

[just as the music stops] I AM GOING OUT!

Martin

[o.s.] Hey, Frasier, will you keep it down out there. I'm trying to take a nap!

Frasier

Smell me, Niles.

Niles

[sniffs] Grandpa!

Frasier

Exactly! On my way down in the elevator today a woman thinks nothing of lighting up a cigarette. Has the world gone mad?

Niles

I know exactly how you feel. This morning I discovered a ding in the door of my car.

Frasier

Let me guess - no note on the windshield?

Niles

No. And even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left. They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a Hunchback.

Frasier

No. I think that would be a Hatchback, Niles.

Niles

It's painted panic-button red, with a large rear window that pops open.

Frasier

Oh, that would be the Hatchback.

Niles

Well, there's a novel idea: name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a toss-up between "Hatchback" and "What's that odor coming from the floor?"

Frasier

[points] Oh, look, Niles - free table! Go, go, go, go!

Niles

Oh, the biscotti!

Frasier

Leave it!

Niles

Oh, no - go on without me!

Frasier

Oh, there!

Niles

Oh!

Niles

Oh, check on table one!

Frasier

All right, fine.

Frasier

Oh, we're not hovering, believe me. It's just that there... well, there's really no place else to stand. Oh, just take your time, please. There's no rush.

Waiter

Is the owner of a red Hatchback here? It's about to be towed.

Frasier

Niles, isn't that your car?

Niles

[whispering] Shh! Someone will hear you!

Frasier

Niles, it's about to be towed!

Niles

I'm not owning up to that car. I don't care if it's careening toward a baby carriage!

Frasier

Oh. Oh, thank you so much. Take care, have a lovely day.

Frasier

Excuse me, but we were waiting for this table.

Man

So get another one.

Frasier

[irritated] Well, there aren't any. Look, you knew that we were waiting for it. We politely stood back and let those people leave and then you just jumped right in here!

Man

Well, you won't make that mistake again.

Niles

Frasier, Frasier... forget it. We'll just... we'll wait for another table.

Frasier

No, we won't! This isn't about the table anymore! This is about the erosion of common decency. [places his coffee on the table] Sir, when you treat me this way you encourage me to be discourteous to another. And so on and so on. [the man doesn't acknowledge him] You don't have any manners, do you? [the man continues sipping his coffee] Then perhaps what you need is an etiquette lesson!!

Frasier

SIT DOWN, NILES! [they sit]

Niles

[to a waiter] My brother will have a decaf.

Daphne

Flesh is burning, nana nana nana...

Martin

[entering from the kitchen and singing to himself] Nana nana nana... flesh is burning... nana nana nana... [sees Frasier enter] Oh, hi, Fras. How you feeling?

Frasier

[sits at table] Fine.

Martin

I didn't ask you yesterday how your day went.

Frasier

What did Niles tell you?

Martin

Nothing! Geez, can't I ask you how your day went? How was work? [grins] How's your bad-ass self? [laughs]

Frasier

Dammit! Niles blabbed!

Martin

No, he didn't. You made the people of Seattle column. [presents a paper] Right here, under "The Crane Mutiny." [laughs]

Frasier

[reads] "Three cheers for Dr. Frasier Crane, who struck a blow against rudeness yesterday in a coffeehouse melee." [throws paper down] Perfect! Now all of Seattle knows about my loutish behavior!

Martin

What are you talking about? This guy had it coming. [doorbell rings] I can just picture it. He probably looked at you and he thought, "This guy's a creampuff, you know. A wuss... a wimp... a cupcake..."

Frasier

[as he reaches the door] Dad!

Martin

I'm sorry, I'm just so proud of you!

Niles

Ah, there he is, the man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.

Martin

Niles, I think you're just jealous.

Niles

Jealous? Don't be ridiculous!

Martin

This is my favorite part. [reading] "With one swift move the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring, 'What you need is an etiquette lesson.'" [laughs] I love that! You got your own tough-guy catchphrase!

Niles

It's perfect for you, Frasier. Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.

Martin

Come on. Show me how you grabbed him. Use Niles.

Frasier

No, no Dad. I will not toss Niles about the room.

Niles

Oh no, go ahead. Rough me up, Mr. Big Hero Bully Bouncer! [pause] Did that sound jealous?

Frasier

A tad.

Niles

Well, all right, I'm jealous. Why shouldn't I be? All my life I've backed out of fights and watching you leap into the fray like that, I... it made me think just once I'd like to experience what you felt - go nose to nose. [sits at table]

Martin

Oh, your day will come, son.

Niles

I don't know. I tried it this morning with my dry cleaner, Mr. Kim. I decided to give him a good tongue-lashing because he'd shattered the mother-of-pearl buttons on my best waistcoat. Unfortunately, due to his tenuous grasp of English and the fact that his mother's name is Pearl I was forced to flee his establishment amid a shower of coat hangers.

Daphne

[entering from her room; to Niles] Good morning, Dr. Crane. [to Frasier] And to you, Dr. Crane, our very own knight in shining armor...

Niles

Oh, great.

Daphne

I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me. For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess. This morning, I decided to get my revenge. So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.

Niles

Bravo, Daphne. Good for you. God, I wish I'd been there. [sighs]

Frasier

Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?

Daphne

Absolutely not. Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them. [Niles bites down on his fist]

Martin

Fras, why do you keep backing away from this? I mean, you should be proud of yourself. We all think you did the right thing. The newspaper does too.

Daphne

That's right. And I'm going to fix you a proper hero's breakfast. [starts for kitchen]

Frasier

No. No, no... Daphne. Please, really. It's not necessary. Thank you all. It's just that this isn't sitting well with me. I find it hard to believe any good can come of violence.

Frasier

That's it again! [in phone] Mr. Chainsaw. This is Dr. Frasier Crane...

Frasier

Go ahead, Daphne. Make my eggs.

Frasier

[as he enters his booth] You know, I do wish people would stop making such a fuss.

Roz

They will, if you quit walking up and down the hall. You're on in five seconds. [enters her booth]

Frasier

Oh yes, all right. [puts on headphones and pushes on air button] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?

Roz

We have Mitch on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.

Frasier

Hello, Mitch.

Mitch

[v.o.] Make that had trouble. This idiot next door had his leaf-blower going at 7:00am, again.

Frasier

Oh, that's very inconsiderate.

Mitch

I'll say. That's why I decided to give him an "etiquette lesson." I grabbed that leaf-blower and smashed it against a tree.

Frasier

[gasps] Mitch, I must say I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a minor infraction.

Chris

[v.o.] ...so I snuck into his backyard and shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner! Come on summer!

Chuck

[v.o] ...hey, he asked for it. So I put 100 scorpions in a FedEx package.

Frasier

Look, I'm sorry, but no matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for... [dissolve] SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE!!

Rochelle

[v.o.] But she doesn't curb her dogs!

Frasier

Oh... [buries his face in his hand]

Rochelle

You don't take any guff. Why should I?

Frasier

Rochelle... all of you... look, don't you realize that your behavior is just a bit extreme?! I displayed a minor bit of force in order to just make a point. I didn't go around smashing windows or torching lawns! Where does it end?

Rochelle

Are you saying that what I did was wrong?

Frasier

Of course I am!

Rochelle

But what you did was okay?

Frasier

No, no! I... come to think of it, what I did was just as wrong. I mean, who am I to draw the line at the acceptable level of force? Because the next person moves a little farther, and the next person, a little farther still until we finally end up with scorpions flying through the mail like Christmas bundt cakes! What we must all agree to do is to resolve our differences with discussion and reason. As a matter of fact, I'm going to call the gentleman that I manhandled and... and apologize to him for not having worked out our dispute in the right way in the first place- through words. The key here is restraint. And I do hope you'll follow my lead... Becky with the nail gun.

Frasier

Oh... people. People, please. There's no need for that. I'm no hero.

Niles

No one's ever given me the thumbs up.

Frasier

Well, Niles, I've driven on the freeway with you. The rest of the hand has been well-represented. [They sit just as the man Frasier shoved walks in the door.] Oh, look, there he is. Mr. Harvey, I'm so glad you could come. [stands] You remember my brother, Niles, and uh... we're at "our" table.

Harvey

Look, I'm here, so say what's on your mind.

Frasier

Well, there's no need for any hostility. I just came to talk.

Harvey

Talk? You're not gonna take another shot at me?

Frasier

No! [shouts of contention from the crowd of customers] No, they'll be nothing like that here today! Now, listen, I could try to explain my behavior by saying that these are stressful times we live in, that I had reached the end of my tether. But I won't do that, because you see, I was 100% wrong. I had absolutely no right to touch you and I accept full responsibility.

Harvey

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that. [to crowd] And I hope you all heard that too.

Frasier

So, then you accept my apology?

Harvey

No, I'm suing you. And I've got a lot of witnesses that just heard you admit you were wrong. [hands him papers]

Frasier

But, but... these are stressful times we live in and I'd reached the end of my tether!

Harvey

Tough! I'm nailing you for assault!

Frasier

But I hardly touched you!

Niles

Oh, Frasier, I'm not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers. What other behavior would you expect... from a chicken?

Harvey

What did you say?

Niles

I was speaking to my brother. [stands] But, to put it in language you can understand... [clucking] bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Frasier

Niles! This is no time for you to assert yourself!

Harvey

[to Frasier] Hey, your brother's making trouble here...

Niles

Oh, oh, oh... what are you gonna do? Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?

Frasier

Niles, stop it! Please excuse him!

Niles

Oh, for god's sake, Frasier don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy! [excitedly hops up and down on his heels]

Harvey

You look here, buddy...

Frasier

Niles!! Niles... are you all right?!

Niles

[pulling Frasier close to him and whispering] Counter suit!

Frasier

[jumping up] Oh, my god!! Nobody move him!

Harvey

I barely touched him!

Frasier

Then you admit you touched him! [to crowd] He admits it! [Niles groans] Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm here for you. I promise we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY! [out of earshot] My god, Niles, that was brilliant. You even got a tear in your eye!

Niles

I landed on a fork.