Chess Pains
Aired 26th March 1996 · Written by Rob Greenberg · Directed by Gordon Hunt
Frasier
Are your eyes closed?
Niles
What is it?
Frasier
It's something my antiques scout found for me. Voila! [Niles opens his eyes and gapes] Paris, 1882! Designed by Jean- Francois Blon, while attending L'Ecole des Beaux Arts!
Niles
Mon Dieu! It's absolutely breathtaking! I'm breathless! [gasps] I need to take a breath.
Daphne
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Would you like to try a game, Niles?
Niles
Oh, I think not. It'll make me too melancholy.
Frasier
Well, all right.
Niles
Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
Frasier
No wonder — the king is stationary while the queen has all the power.
Daphne
How are you getting along, Dr. Crane?
Niles
Oh, all right, I guess.
Daphne
Feeling a bit lonely, are we?
Niles
Only some times when I'm by myself, or other times when I'm with other people.
Daphne
It may not be my place to suggest this, but perhaps all you need is a little company at the apartment — something warm and friendly to come home?
Niles
Well, I'm sure Dad would miss you.
Daphne
[laughs and bats his arm] Oh, Dr. Crane!
Niles
[laughs and bats himself] Oh, me!
Daphne
I'm talking about a dog. They're wonderful companions. Just look at how much Eddie's brought to your father's life.
Daphne
Oh, there's nothing like a dog's unconditional love. Seeing that smiling face greet you at the door. It's one of the most rewarding relationships a person can have.
Daphne
Again? If you're going to drink out of the toilet, you can at least learn to use it. [she fits the leash on Eddie] Would you like to come with me? Maybe get the feel of the leash?
Niles
[when she puts it that way] Perhaps I will.
Niles
You know, Daphne, maybe you're on to something with this dog business. I'm starting to feel less lonely already.
Niles
Chop, chop! Come with us.
Frasier
Oh, hi, Dad. Did you see my new chess set?
Martin
Oh yeah, it's nice.
Frasier
"Nice?" Well, the inlay was made from the same Travertine marble they used at the Emperor Hadrian's palace outside Tivoli!
Martin
Really? Well, I'm gonna celebrate with a beverage brewed from the crystal-clear waters of the majestic Colorado Rockies!
Frasier
Good one, Dad. Say, how about a game?
Martin
Nah, I don't think so.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Dad. You know how to play, don't you?
Martin
Well, Daphne showed me once. But really, checkers is more my speed.
Frasier
Oh, come on, checkers is a kid's game. Come on, Dad! I just got it! Please? Nobody will play with me!
Martin
All right, I'll give it another shot. [sits opposite Frasier and pulls his chair up to the table] Those guys at the park make it look great—eating baloney sandwiches, smoking cigars, sometimes a fist-fight even breaks out!
Frasier
Well, let's just start with name-calling and see where it goes, all right?
Frasier
Your turn.
Frasier
Now, Dad, please, you don't have to rush. As a novice, you have the right to sit back, survey the board, take your time. I will not pressure you or hover like a vulture. Please, feel free to ask any questions you might have.
Martin
Is this a checkmate?
Frasier
[looking] Yes, it is.
Martin
You mean I won?
Frasier
Well, yes.
Martin
Hey, hey! I won! How do you like that?
Frasier
Well, in all fairness, my mind was a bit distracted by having to monitor your side of the board, but, uh... Touche! How about another game, Dad?
Martin
No, I think one'll do it for me, thanks.
Frasier
Well, uh, all right, fair enough.
Martin
Boy, I really clobbered you though, didn't I? I got almost all of your prawns.
Frasier
Pawns, Dad.
Martin
I think the turning point was when I got that tower-thingy.
Frasier
Yes, it's called a rook.
Martin
But the real knockout blow was when I backed your little horsey-guy into the corner.
Frasier
Can we call it a night, Dad?
Martin
O.K., when I cornered your knight.
Frasier
No, I mean can we call it a night?
Roz
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh hi, Roz.
Roz
Uh, one double-tall latte, a slice of pecan pie with extra whipped cream.
Waitress
Anything else?
Frasier
Perhaps a blood-pressure cuff?
Roz
I'm just a little nervous today, O.K.?
Frasier
Oh, really? Trouble on the dating front?
Roz
I'm not that shallow, all right? It's about my hair. I've got an appointment this afternoon with Noge.
Frasier
"Noge?"
Roz
He's the hottest hairstylist in Seattle?
Frasier
"Noge?"
Roz
I think he's getting a little bored with me. When he cuts my hair, I can't ever think of anything to say!
Frasier
Well, how's this for an icebreaker: "Say, Noge, where'd you get such a stupid name?"
Roz
You should see him with all of his other clients. They're all laughing, having a wonderful time. I walk in, sit down, it's death. [picks up newspaper] Maybe there's something in here that'll hold his attention. [reads] Oh, wow, here's something. A lady in Italy gave birth to a nineteen-pound baby!
Frasier
Oh my God.
Roz
No kidding. She's not going to be hopping on her Vespa anytime soon.
Frasier
That's how he did it.
Roz
What are you talking about?
Frasier
My father beat me at chess last night, and I've just realized now it was sheer dumb luck. He stumbled into the Panov-Botvinnik attack!
Roz
Frasier, I—
Frasier
Oh Roz, I can't tell you what a relief this is. My God, my whole world makes sense again.
Roz
Frasier, you are forgetting about my problem with Noge.
Frasier
Yes, and it'd be a lot easier if you'd stop bringing it up.
Frasier
Hello, Niles.
Niles
Hello, Frasier.
Frasier
To what do I owe this pleasure?
Niles
Well, I took to heart Daphne's suggestion the other day about a need for companionship since my separation from Maris, so I went out and got a new lady in my life.
Niles
I can't explain it. I'm not a dog person, but there's something about this particular breed that I find comforting and familiar. It's mystifying, isn't it?
Frasier
Mmm, baffling.
Niles
I-I happened into my local pet shop, and I had no intention of buying anything, I was merely browsing, and they showed me some overly demonstrative puppies. Then I heard a haughty little sniff from a cage in the corner, and there she was! [to Girl] Sit, Girl, sit! [Girl doesn't move] OK. [to Frasier] She's, uh, she's a bit high strung, but, uh, she's terribly well-bred. When I tried to pet her, she'd have none of it.
Frasier
Well, I'm surprised she wasn't snapped up before you got there.
Niles
Yes, well, the man at the pet store said it's because people are reluctant to take responsibility for her nerve medicine.
Niles
No, not on the couch. Off, off! [Girl doesn't move] OK.
Martin
Hey, Niles.
Niles
Hey, Dad.
Martin
[notices Girl] What the hell is that?
Niles
It's my dog, my new best friend.
Frasier
Yes, Niles saw her in the pet store and had this inexplicable attraction.
Martin
You can see her ribs!
Frasier
Hit Number One.
Niles
Daphne, I owe it all to you.
Daphne
[laughing nervously] Oh really, Dr. Crane, I wouldn't want you going around telling people I was responsible for that.
Niles
Well, I guess we'll be toddling along. [gets up] Come Girl, come! [Girl doesn't move] OK. [picks her up and carries her to the door] The city streets play havoc with her delicate little feet, so I have to go home and pumice her paw-pads!
Daphne
Am I the only one?
Frasier/Martin
No.
Daphne
Does Dr. Crane have any idea...
Frasier/Martin
No.
Frasier
So, Dad, can I, uh, interest you in an ice-cold Ballantine?
Martin
Yeah, sounds good.
Frasier
You know, I may even join you myself. I've got some pork rinds here and some of that creamy Lipton onion soup dip!
Martin
Oh, with the seven herbs and spices?
Frasier
Well, just count 'em!
Martin
Hey, that's great! All my favorite stuff... you're putting me in a home, aren't you?
Frasier
[laughing] Oh, don't be silly! But you know, if I ever had to, don't you think it'd be nice if you knew how to play chess?
Frasier
Dad, it's not considered a move until my fingers have completely cleared the piece.
Martin
Well, what's taking so long?
Frasier
I am analyzing my options. Unlike your "wing-it" approach, I like to plan a strategy, like a general leading his troops into battle.
Martin
Checkmate, Schwartzkopf.
Frasier
Gosh, that's very well done. You're really getting a feel for the game, Dad.
Martin
Yeah, and all this time I thought chess was hard. [gets up] Well, see ya.
Frasier
Sit down, old man, you're not going anywhere!
Daphne
[o.s.] Mr. Crane, would you give me a hand with these dishes?
Martin
I can't, I'm playing chess with Frasier.
Frasier
Finally, my patience will be rewarded. The trap is set. I knew this moment would come!
Martin
It comes every game.
Martin
Checkmate. Well, that's it. Show's over, folks. Move along. Nothing more to see here.
Frasier
You know, Dad—
Martin
No, no, I'm not playing anymore. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
Frasier
O.K. [chuckling] Yes, I guess I've had my fill as well. Well, this has really turned out to be quite a good idea, hasn't it, this chess thing?
Martin
'Night.
Frasier
Awfully relaxing... oh, yes, yes, you just — you just go on ahead, I-I've got — hah! — something I've got to do...
Roz
Hey, Frasier!
Frasier
Hi, Roz.
Roz
I have great news! My appointment with Noge could not have gone better.
Frasier
What is the reason behind this miraculous transformation?
Roz
Well, it occurred to me that hairstylists love celebrity gossip. And I thought, "hey, I know a celebrity: you!"
Frasier
[wary] And what did you tell him about me?
Roz
Well, he may have gotten the impression that you— [laughs fraudulently] — well, you're gonna love this — that, you know... you may have been... in the past... a woman, you're not mad at me, are you?
Frasier
Mad? Why should I be mad, knowing the sacred code of silence all hairdressers have sworn to?
Roz
All right, I'll set Noge straight.
Frasier
Well, if you manage that, then you really would have a story.
Niles
Well, hello. [to waitress] Double cappuccino, please.
Frasier
Yeah, same for me, please. [to Niles] Listen, Niles, I need to talk to you about Dad.
Niles
Oh yes, how is the Bobby Fischer of the geriatric circuit?
Frasier
Well, he's still beating me. I tell you, Niles, I just can't figure it out — I am the superior player.
Niles
There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."
Frasier
If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
Niles
O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.
Frasier
You were saying?
Niles
Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father. It's the natural order. Yet it's frequently a stumbling block because the son's competitive stirrings are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.
Frasier
I see. Yes, it's the classic Oedipal conflict. It seems so obvious now. I've been letting him win! Niles, thank you, thank you very much. I can't tell you what a relief this is. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Nothing can hold me back now. Tonight, I topple the king!
Niles
Hear, hear.
Niles
Of course, you realize by dethroning Dad, you're next in line to be dethroned by Frederick, and then the only thing left after that is death, but that's another day and another cup of coffee.
Frasier
Dad? Dad, wake up, it's your turn.
Martin
[waking up; sleepy] Oh, I'm sorry... [moves] Checkmate. Well, I'm going to bed.
Frasier
Oh, come on, Dad, just one more game!
Martin
No! I can't keep my eyes open.
Daphne
Playing chess again, were you?
Daphne
You know, Dr. Crane, when one of my brothers would lose a soccer match, he'd be all blue and in the dumps. But I could get him to laugh. I'd make a little puppet like so. [moving the puppet's lips; deep, round voice] Hello, Daphne, What's shaking? [her voice] Oh, hello, Freddy. My friend Dr. Crane here forgot his happy pants! [Freddy] Oh, no! What should I do? [Daphne] Would you sing for him? [Freddy] I'd love to. [sticking the puppet close to Frasier's face; singing] Who's that grouchy gus I see? You can't be grouchy, not with me! Sing along, Doc! Who's that grouchy gus I see—
Frasier
Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than listen to any more of this puppet show. Do we understand each other?
Frasier
[whispering] Eddie! Speak! Speak, Eddie!
Martin
Fire! Fire, everybody! Frasier! Daphne! Fire! Fire!
Frasier
What's going on?!
Martin
The fire alarm went off, but I don't see anything around here!
Daphne
[rushing in] It's not in my room, either!
Frasier
It's O.K.! [laughing] My fault, false alarm. I was just a little remiss in replacing the batteries, everything's fine. [turns off alarm]
Daphne
The batteries? No, smoke alarms don't go off if—
Frasier
Back to bed!
Martin
See you in the morning.
Frasier
Dad, you know, seeing as how we're both up, I thought maybe we should, oh I dunno, do something, you know?
Martin
Like what?
Frasier
Well, uh, right off the top of my head, I... well, play a little chess?
Martin
Now?
Frasier
Well, sure! We're both wide awake.
Martin
Oh my God, you set that alarm off!
Frasier
Dad! I—I had no—
Martin
What kind of weird, competitive freak are you? I mean, you really hate to lose so much that you wake up the whole house and scare us all to death?
Frasier
No, of course not! And I wouldn't have to resort to such lengths if this damn dog could learn to speak! [Eddie barks] Oh, of course, now you'll get it right! Look, Dad, would one more game kill you? I mean, you're all riled up. My God, you'll never get to sleep now anyway!
Martin
Wait a minute. This isn't about losing, is it? This is about losing to me. That's what's driving you nuts! "How could I lose to the old man? I'm much smarter than he is!"
Frasier
I never said that!
Martin
No, you didn't have to say it, you've thought it all your life!
Frasier
No, I haven't!
Martin
Yes, you have, and now you're insulting my intelligence again!
Frasier
Oh, Dad!
Martin
Hey, now listen, what do you think I was doing as a detective all those years? Analyzing clues, devising strategies, trying to stay one or two steps ahead of the other guys — now, does that sound like any game that you know?
Frasier
All right, that explains why you can play the game, but not why you beat me every time! Now, come on, just one more game, please? Dad, look, I'll never bring it up again! Come on!
Martin
No. Why should I? You just want to beat me so that you can go back to thinking you're smarter than your stupid old man. Well, forget it, to hell with you. I don't see any reason why I should ever play you again.
Frasier
If you win, I'll give you five thousand dollars.
Martin
Get out of my way.
Martin
Well, look at that, the board's all set up! What a surprise.
Frasier
I took the liberty. Now, Dad, I think we can sit down and play a nice cordial little game. For centuries, people have set aside their differences to play a game of chess. So, who should go first?
Martin
Well, let's see. It's usually the person who lost the last game. Now, who could that be?
Frasier
OK. No more Mr. Cordial Guy!
Martin
By the way, I'm sorry the ratings for your show took a dive last month.
Frasier
Don't try to pull your cheap psychological tricks on me.
Frasier
Oh, did I mention... the cemetery called? Apparently they have to dig a sewer next to your plot.
Frasier
Getting your dog to stare at me only proves how desperate you are. [moves]
Martin
I didn't tell him to do that. He just gets fascinated when he sees people sweat. [moves]
Frasier
I sweat when I'm happy. [moves]
Martin
Well, then you must be ecstatic! [moves, then] No, wait!
Frasier
No, no, you took your finger off that piece!
Martin
No, I didn't!
Frasier
Yes, you did! That means that you must not trust that move, must have left yourself vulnerable somewhere.
Martin
Well, even if I did, you'll never find it.
Frasier
[lifting his piece] Oh, look at that... what's this? [puts it down] Could it be... checkmate? [laughing] I won, I won, I really won!
Martin
Hey, I didn't gloat when I beat you all those times!
Frasier
No, but, I bet you wish you did now, huh? Ha-ha, it feels great!
Martin
[getting up] All right, that's it. I'm going to bed. And I never want to hear the word "chess," or "board," or "chessboard" again! That's it, got it?
Frasier
Fine. Fine, Dad. Goodnight. Geez, lighten up! It's only a game!
Frasier
Dad? Dad?
Martin
Oh, jeez...
Frasier
No, no, please, just one question: did you let me win?
Martin
Oh, for crying out loud, Frasier...
Frasier
No, no, please, did you play your best?
Martin
For five thousand bucks? What do you think?
Frasier
You wouldn't just be saying that?
Martin
[sighs] On your mother's grave, may lightning strike me down, I, Martin Crane, swear on the holiest of Bibles, you won, I lost, fair and square, cross my heart and hope to go to sleep.
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.
Martin
You're welcome.
Frasier
[guilty] I'm sorry I beat you, Dad.