Crane Vs. Crane

Martin

Oh, how does he always hear me?

Daphne

He doesn't. He just swings through every twenty minutes. He knows you'll be eating some kind of junk.

Martin

Well, I don't want him eating these.

Daphne

Well, then do what I do when I want Eddie away from me. I make a sound like [high-pitched] La la la la la la la la la la la!

Martin

That's mean!

Daphne

Why? It doesn't really hurt his ears. He just finds certain noises irritating.

Frasier

That was the most riveting production of Wagner I have seen this season.

Niles

I still have goose bumps from when Klingsor summoned Kundry with a terrible cry and ordered her to seduce Parsifal: "Ha! Er Ist Shun Der Knabe!"

Martin

Well, I had a pretty good night too. Took myself a nice, hot bath. And, remember that corn I had on my toe? Well, it got so soft I was just able to peel it right off.

Niles

Um... it's going to be difficult for me to top that, but I have some rather exciting news myself. I'm sure you're all familiar with the Safford case that's been in the papers recently?

Martin

Oh, you mean that scum-sucking jerk who's trying to get his father committed?

Niles

Yes. Well, guess who's been retained by that scum-sucking jerk! I'm going to be testifying as an expert witness at Mr. Safford's capacity hearing.

Martin

Wait a minute. You're gonna help sell that poor old guy down the river?

Niles

Not at all. Mr. Safford is unbalanced. His son is worried sick about him.

Martin

Oh, his son's worried he's not gonna get his hands on his father's fortune. Boy, the minute a man starts getting up there his kids start making plans to divvy up his stuff.

Frasier

Dad, you'll be pleased to know that Niles and I have decided to give all your things to charity. We're donating your clothes to the blind.

Martin

[gives him a look, then:] Well, it's just not right. A bunch of moneygrubbers behind closed doors trying to declare this poor old guy insane.

Niles

For starters, it's not behind closed doors. The entire proceeding will be broadcast on Court TV.

Martin

Oh, great. What father doesn't look forward to the day he gathers his friends around the TV and says, "Hey, that's my boy. The one making the old man cry."

Frasier

Dad, I'm sure Niles is only doing this to protect Mr. Safford from himself.

Daphne

Old age doesn't have to be that way, you know. My great-aunt Beryl lived well into her nineties, and her mind never failed her. Of course, she lost her eyesight in her seventies, and her balance in her eighties. By the end we spent most of our time propping her up or putting another bandage on her forehead. Oh, but bless her heart, she could always tell you just how it happened. [exits to the kitchen]

Niles

Well, Safford is clearly irrational. Recently, he wandered off. They found him two days later riding across Wyoming in a boxcar full of bums; he's taken to selling off property for half its worth; and most damning of all, when I went over to evaluate him, he continually referred to me as "Sparky."

Frasier

I don't know, Niles, you always wanted to have a nickname. You remember your campaign to have the string section of the youth orchestra call you "Rocky?"

Niles

It would have worked, too, if Tilly Farraday hadn't pinned me to the ground with her trombone when I rebuked her for neglecting to clean her spit valve.

Martin

Well, I still think picking on the old man stinks. [gets up and moves to the dining table to get a chip] God help you if you're over fifty and you do anything that seems the least bit odd to your family.

Beth

[v.o.] And I'm pretty sure he's having an affair with his secretary.

Frasier

Well, have you talked to your husband and heard his side of the story? [Roz rolls her eyes]

Beth

No.

Frasier

Well, Beth, it does seem that your fears may be well-founded, but I still think you should talk to your husband before you come to any final conclusions. [he disconnects Beth] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good day, and good mental health.

Roz

Here are those PSAs, we'll do them tomorrow before the show.

Frasier

Thank you, Roz. [notices] Roz, why is that light still on? Is that Beth who I was talking to?

Roz

No!

Frasier

Yes, it is!

Roz

No, it isn't!

Frasier

Yes, it is!

Roz

It is not!

Frasier

Have you been talking to Beth?

Roz

Of course not! What do you think - I'm giving advice to your callers? Oh, Frasier, you are so paranoid. The world is full of enemies. Everybody's plotting against you. [notices a man walk in] There's a man in a dark trench coat right behind you.

Frasier

Ho-ho, very droll.

Giroux

Dr. Crane? [Frasier jumps] I'm John Giroux. [hands Frasier his card] I work for Harlow Safford.

Frasier

Oh, Mr. Giroux, I'm afraid there's been some mistake. It's my brother who's connected with the case.

Giroux

Oh, we're quite aware of that, but Mr. Safford feels he's the victim of a grave injustice. He's an ardent fan of your show and feels you're the only man who can help him.

Frasier

Well, that's very flattering, but given my brother's connection with the case, it wouldn't be very prudent for me to get involved.

Giroux

Won't you at least talk to my client? Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is?

Frasier

You sound like my father - a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.

Giroux

If you stop by this evening, I'm convinced you'll find Mr. Safford is completely competent. Even if you won't testify on his behalf, perhaps you could at least get your brother to reconsider his testimony.

Frasier

It's highly unlikely that I would disagree with my brother's opinion.

Giroux

I really admired your advice to that last caller - you know, about not judging someone until you've heard his side of the story?

Frasier

[smiles] You're a good lawyer, Mr. Giroux.

Giroux

Mr. Safford only seeks out the very best.

Frasier

I'll see you at seven?

Giroux

The address is on the back of my card.

Roz

I don't care what Dr. Crane said. You start talking to your husband and he'll start covering his tracks. Get a detective now.

Frasier

You were talking to my last caller.

Roz

I swear it's the first and last time. I will never do it again.

Frasier

[growling] I hope not.

Roz

Thanks for holding, Bill. I'm listening.

Giroux

Enjoy your tour?

Frasier

Uh... yes, yes. That's quite a model railroad Mr. Safford has running through the grounds. I've never seen one on quite that scale.

Giroux

Impressive, isn't it?

Frasier

Oh, yes. Yes, especially when it's bearing down on you. I got my heels stuck in the soft grass. I barely made the crossing. Tell me, how often does Mr. Safford... play with his train?

Giroux

Just the weekends, when he gives rides to underprivileged children.

Frasier

Very admirable.

Giroux

There's a lot you don't know about him, Dr. Crane. That's why you're here.

Frasier

Yes, well, I promise to consider all the evidence before I arrive at a conclusion.

Frasier

I think I've arrived. [Mr. Giroux leaves]

Harlow

Hiya, Sparky. I'm Harlow Safford.

Frasier

Dr. Frasier Crane. I don't believe I've ever seen a fire pole in a home before.

Harlow

Oh, it saves a lot of time. Except for going up, of course.

Frasier

And, uh, the hat?

Harlow

Oh, it's just for laughs. Oh, try it on.

Frasier

Well, no, I don't think I should.

Harlow

Oh, come on!

Frasier

I guess it is sort of fun, isn't it?

Harlow

Not on you. [he takes it off Frasier] So, do you think you can convince my self-righteous son that I'm not nuts?

Frasier

Oh, I think "nuts" is a little strong. He must have meant that your behavior might seem to most people to be a little unconventional.

Harlow

Well, good. I've spent my whole life being conventional. Then one day I said to myself, "Harlow, you're not having any fun."

Frasier

Do you... speak to yourself often?

Harlow

Don't try to trip me up, Sparky. [he walks over to Frasier, carrying a cigar box]

Frasier

Oh, no, thank you. Thank you, I'm trying to cut down on... [notices what's really in the box] lollipops. Thank you. [takes a handful] But tell me, why do you call people "Sparky"?

Harlow

It makes them smile. Right, Sparky? [Frasier smiles] You ought to try it with your patients.

Frasier

Oh, I'm not too sure how warmly that would be embraced by those undergoing electroshock.

Frasier

Um, anyway, your son tells me that you recently sold some property at a fraction of its value.

Harlow

That's right. Terrific young married couple had their hearts set on it, but couldn't afford it. So, I helped them out. There's nothing wrong with helping people.

Frasier

Well, he also informed me that you recently indulged in an unorthodox, not to mention hazardous mode of travel.

Harlow

That pompous weenie. That's exactly how he would put it.

Frasier

Well, actually, that was my wording.

Harlow

Well, I hopped a freight. Rode the rails.

Frasier

Well, why not just purchase a ticket and ride in a club car?

Harlow

Where's the adventure in that? I'm 78. Someday I'll be too old to jump off a moving train! No, you gotta live out your fantasies while you can. Can you understand that?

Frasier

I think I can. Mr. Safford, what you've said makes a great deal of sense. Before we go on, there's something I have to ask you.

Harlow

Shoot.

Frasier

It's a little embarrassing.

Harlow

I can take it.

Frasier

Okay. Can I slide down that pole?

Harlow

Follow me, Sparky!

Frasier

Dad, are you going to watch something now?

Martin

Yeah, the championship fight. But don't worry, I'm using my earphones, I won't bother anyone.

Daphne

Oh, you've already been a bother - making me hide the sports section so he won't see it. Making me turn the news off because they might say who won.

Frasier

I don't understand.

Martin

Well, the fight was last night. It was on Pay TV. But one of my police buddies has a pirate antenna. So, he taped it and they messengered one to me in an envelope marked "Official Business."

Frasier

Another inspiring tale of our men in law enforcement.

Martin

[putting on his headphones] Why are you walking funny?

Frasier

Well, suffice it to say I learned today it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers. [the doorbell rings] Daphne, would you...?

Daphne

Oh, I'll get it.

Niles

Evening, Daphne.

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

Niles

Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season. [Daphne just smiles] Well, did everyone see my mention in this morning's paper?

Frasier

No, I'm afraid I missed that.

Niles

Well, small wonder. They buried it all the way back on page 32. It's here, it's next to the sports section.

Martin

[batting the paper out of Niles's hands] Hey, get that out of here!

Daphne

[catches the paper] Let me see.

Niles

It's right there.

Daphne

Oh. [reading] "Court TV this week will feature the capacity hearing of noted timber baron Harlow Safford. [Martin glares at Niles] Testifying on behalf of the family will be Dr. Niles Crane, eminent psychiatrist, author and leading authority on clinical psychosis. Dr. Crane is also the brother of..."

Niles

Yadda-yadda, the rest is filler.

Frasier

Niles, I have to talk to you about something. Just after the show today I was visited by a man named Mr. Giroux. He asked me to represent Mr. Safford.

Niles

[standing] What?!

Martin

Shh!

Frasier

[pulling Niles down] I'm sorry. Given your involvement with the case, I naturally declined.

Niles

Oh, thank God.

Frasier

But, I did agree to see if I concurred with your analysis and speak to Mr. Safford.

Niles

[again standing] What?!

Martin

Hey, keep it down!

Frasier

I just have to tell you that I found Harlow Safford to be of completely sound mind - and don't say "What?!"

Niles

[struggles] Why?!

Martin

Quiet!!

Frasier

Perhaps it'd be better if we spoke somewhere else.

Niles

You couldn't stand that I had a high-profile case, could you? So you had to butt into it!

Frasier

I just don't want you to make a fool of yourself. These people came to me, they asked for my expertise.

Niles

Oh, ha! They were undoubtedly exploiting your dubious celebrity.

Frasier

Of which you are jealous and, I fear, the reason you took this case!

Niles

That is flatly untrue! I took the case to help the family!

Frasier

And to be on television!

Niles

I don't give a hoot about television!

Martin

[shouting] Well, some of us do!!

Frasier

Niles, you made a hasty judgment and I am sorry, but you were wrong.

Niles

Ah, now we see why you got involved in the case - so big brother could be right and little Niles could be wrong, which I'm not!

Frasier

Oh, your pathetic childhood issues have nothing to do with it. Face it, you were wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Niles

Oh, oh, oh-!

Niles

This from Mr. Quick-Fix, the master of the in-depth, one- minute phone call diagnosis!

Frasier

I spent several hours with Mr. Safford and I found his behavior to be...

Niles

Wildly irrational. He's a lip-diddling loon!

Frasier

You think anything that's even slightly spontaneous is aberrant.

Niles

That's ridiculous! The man's incompetent!

Frasier

Niles, I'm warning you. If you get up in that courtroom and say that, you will damage yourself professionally!

Niles

I'm testifying, and you're not going to stop me!

Frasier

Fine, then you leave me no choice but to testify against you!

Niles

Well, in that case, I'll see you in court!

Frasier

Good, I look forward to it!

Niles

So do I!

Frasier

Good!

Niles

Good!

Martin

[entering from the living room] HEY!!

Frasier

Daphne, please. Turn down that radio. Dad is trying to watch a fight!

Frasier

So, how are you holding up?

Harlow

Oh, I'm fine. Now look, Sparky. I know you don't want to take any money for helping me. But at least let me make a donation to your favorite charity.

Frasier

Well... it was my duty, not to mention a pleasure, to help you. But if you'd like to donate something, why don't you select a charity of your own choosing?

Harlow

Fair enough.

Frasier

Good. Excuse me.

Frasier

Hello, Niles. You know, it's not to late to ask them to put a big blue ball in front of your face during the broadcast. Perhaps spare you some shred of your reputation.

Niles

I'd laugh in your face but I'm saving my voice. [clears throat]

Frasier

Oh my God! You're wearing makeup!

Niles

I am not! This is... medication. Something my dermatologist recommended.

Frasier

Dr. Revlon?

Niles

[standing up] These feeble attempts to undermine my confidence are futile. The testimony I've prepared is nothing short of brilliant. I cite half a dozen studies of gerontology. I quote everything from the Bible to Herodotus. I deftly interweave humor with pathos. You may want to take notes.

Frasier

And if you had an ounce of self-awareness you would realize that your diagnosis was colored by your zeal to put your face in front of that camera. [Niles scoffs] Oh, by the way, your medication is rubbing off on your collar.

Baliff

All rise. Court is in session. Judge Richard McCarron presiding.

Niles

[facing camera] Hello, your honor.

Judge

Be seated. Good morning. Has everyone been sworn in?

Baliff

Yes, your honor.

Judge

Well, I see we have two Dr. Cranes testifying today. [Niles stands, then sits back down.] Mr. Giroux, I think we'll hear from your authority first. I assume the other Dr. Crane has no objection to that arrangement?

Niles

[facing camera] None whatsoever, your honor.

Judge

I'm over here, Dr. Crane.

Frasier

[standing] Your honor, I would not presume to bore the court with a recitation of dry statistics, gerontology studies, obscure literary references.

Frasier

Instead, I intend to speak from the heart. I worry about a society that has chosen to define normalcy in such narrow terms that if someone's behavior deviates ever so slightly, we question his capacity to function. Mr. Safford's seeming eccentricities - his love of trains, his generosity - they can all be readily explained.

Harlow

Diabetes!

Judge

Mr. Safford?

Harlow

I was talking to Sparky.

Frasier

Uh... [to Mr. Safford] Did you say diabetes?

Harlow

Yes. We'll donate the money to diabetes. Those poor people can't eat sugar!

Frasier

Fine.. fine. Uh... we'll, uh... we'll talk about it afterwards.

Judge

May we continue, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

My apologies, your honor. Mr. Safford and I were discussing a very sizable donation he intends to make later today to a very worthy cause. I guess his enthusiasm just got the best of him. But, it is this very generosity that his son finds so objectionable. That, and the fact that he did hop a freight train across the country. But, you see, what he sees as unstable, I see as... romantic.

Frasier

I... I don't suppose there's a railroad track outside the courtroom?

Frasier

Uh... doesn't Mr. Safford deserve to be a bit of a free spirit after the years of his demanding career? A career in which he wore... [Harlow puts on a conductor's hat] many hats. Um... the hat of a father, a philanthropist, a C.E.O...

Harlow

All aboard! All aboard! Get your tickets ready. Have your tickets ready, please. Have your tickets ready.

Frasier

[desperate] In the end, it all comes down to this: can we really condemn a man for maintaining a childlike joie de vivre even in his twilight years?

Harlow

All aboard for the Coast Express. Yes, making stops in Tacoma, Olympia, Portland and Salem. And the next stop is...

Frasier

[putting his arm around Harlow] I think I know where your next stop is going to be.

Frasier

Now, look, Niles. Before you start gloating, let me just say this. You were right, I was wrong.

Niles

Big deal. The world never got a chance to hear me be right. I suppose by now it's obvious that what you were saying all along was true. I do... envy your fame. Well, perhaps this public humiliation will cure me of my damned competitiveness.

Frasier

Oh, don't worry about it. I humiliated myself far more than you did today.

Niles

Obviously, you didn't see the way I was whoring after that TV camera.

Frasier

Obviously, you didn't see how I was tap dancing up there like an organ grinder's monkey.

Niles

Yes, well, I might as well have been tarred and feathered.

Frasier

I might as well have been pilloried in the town square.

Niles

I might as well have been stripped naked and forced to...

Frasier

Oh, stop it, Niles! We're doing it again! Niles, you have no reason to feel badly. Everyone wants to be recognized for something they're good at. And you are a good psychiatrist.

Niles

Thank you, Frasier.

Frasier

Something I can't really lay claim to after today. How could I have so misjudged that man?

Niles

Well, he's undeniably charming for one thing. And he can be lucid for long stretches of time.

Frasier

Yes, but you weren't fooled. Somehow, you picked up on some tiny clue that I missed. You remember what it was?

Niles

Yes. Midway through our interview he took off his trousers and tried to put them on the cat.

Frasier

Well, I'd like to think that I might have picked up on that one too. Still...

Niles

Frasier, you've always approached life with a positive attitude. It's a quality I admire of yours. Perhaps your judgment was clouded by your desire to see old age not as a time of inevitable decline, but as a time when one's childhood passions and fantasies can be reborn.

Frasier

Thank you, Niles. You know what would cheer me up right now?

Niles

What?

Frasier

I would like to hear that summation you never got a chance to give.

Niles

Really?

Frasier

Yes.

Niles

You're not just saying that?

Frasier

Do you care?

Niles

No!

Frasier

Well, all right then. [runs to the judge's chair] I'm the judge! I'm the judge!

Niles

Okay, you be the judge.

Frasier

[deep voice] All rise.

Niles

Yes, here we are.

Frasier

[as judge] Have we been sworn in? [as bailiff] Yes we have, your honor. [bangs gavel] Dr. Crane, proceed.

Niles

Your honor, I believe it was Herodotus who said: "Circumstances rule men. Men do not rule circumstances."