Shrink Rap

Niles

You try and try, but at some point you finally have to admit, as much as you care about each other, your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for some time.

Schachter

But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't want to save this relationship. Isn't that true?

Niles

Well, I'd be willing to try. I can't speak for...

Frasier

You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.

Niles

Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.

Frasier

What is that supposed to mean?

Niles

Well, you tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means?

Frasier

I guess I can tell you...

Schachter

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! [they quiet down] Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem?

Frasier/Niles

Yeah.../Well, if it's fixable, I suppose...

Schachter

All right. Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started?

Frasier

Well, it began with me. Last week, I was at work doing my radio show. I was on the air with a troubled young woman. She had just started telling me about a recurring dream she had since childhood.

Jill

[v.o] Okay, I'm in my bedroom, I'd just gotten out of the bath tub to get dressed. When I opened the closet, all my clothes are gone. Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on the drive outside. I turn and there is a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window.

Frasier

That is amazing!

Jill

[v.o] But her breath is clogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face. Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important.

Frasier

So, a girl on the other side of a glass with an urgent message.

Frasier

And for some reason you're unwilling or able to receive it.

Roz

[switches on her microphone] I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today.

Frasier

Oh, dear. Um, listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, but listen, [Bulldog enters looking annoyed at his delay] I'd like to continue talking to you when we're off the air, so please don't hang up. In the meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today. Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking with...

Bulldog

[into microphone] Blah, blah, Frasier Crane Show, happy health, goodbye!

Bulldog

Yo, Jill. You a football fan?

Jill

[v.o] Not really.

Bulldog

Beat it! [presses button] All right, this is Bulldog, ready to go!

Frasier

I hate this job. Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat-sock, but when a caller comes in who has a truly fascinating problem, I'm barely even able to scratch the surface. It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice!

Roz

I can imagine how frustrated you must be. This show's gotta be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect. [gives him a smile of awe]

Niles

[v.o.] Hold it, stop, wait a minute!

Niles

You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like "staggering intellect"?

Frasier

It was something like that.

Niles

So, she might have said your "boundless brilliance," or, say, "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom."

Frasier

Oh, Niles, do shut up.

Niles

Oh, you shut up!

Schachter

Gentlemen, gentlemen! It is not important exactly what was said.

Niles

No, what is important is that he assumes it revolves around him, when the truth is it started several days before that, with me.

Niles

[v.o.] I'd been having some trouble with the psychiatrist in the office next door. His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions.

Niles

[going to patient] Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me. So long as you're in this office you have no reason to feel anything but safe.

Niles

Just, please, think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.

Niles

I'm not saying that being a sole survivor of a plane crash wasn't a traumatizing experience for you. But, I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.

Niles

[v.o.] His primal scream madness was ruining my practice. I had to do something. The opportunity presented itself that Friday.

Niles

[v.o] I'd come to Frasier's for dinner. I remember Daphne, my father's health care worker, was telling the most delightful story...

Daphne

Oh, I know what you're going though, Dr. Crane, dealing with a noisy neighbour. Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London? A married couple, who made the most un-Godly racket - in bed! The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night. Finally, I decided the only to get them to stop was to let them hear what I'd been hearing. So, one night, I moved near the wall and I started...

Daphne

[moaning] Ooh, yes! Ooh, oh don't stop - [gasping] Ooh, that's the spot - [screams] Oh, do it again! Oh, you are the beastmaster, aren't you?! Oh, for heaven's sake, just take me, you devil-spawned sex monkey! [tosses her head, flinging her hair wildly about] YES, YES, YES, YES, YES! [stops, normal again] Problem solved.

Niles

I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you mind telling that story again?

Frasier

[v.o] Hold it, stop!

Frasier

Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story, she did not act it out.

Niles

[uncertain] Didn't she?

Frasier

No! Just tell the story!

Niles

Fine. It was a few hours later...

Niles

[v.o] We were having espresso, and, perhaps to counter-act the stimulative effect, Frasier was telling us about his day.

Frasier

You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today. Fascinating young woman who had a recurring dream.

Martin

You know who's a helluva dreamer? Eddie.

Martin

One night I'd wake up, he's lying on my forehead, dead asleep, with a big clump of my hair in his mouth, growlin'! Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his.

Frasier

[sarcastic] Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career! [then:] Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice. I guess I just miss the chance to dig deep with my patients.

Niles

Have you considered seeing patients on the side?

Frasier

Oh yes, of course. I've got a list of people who've expressed interest.

Niles

Frasier, I have a proposition. I mentioned that doctor in the office next door? Well, his lease is up. If you were interested in his office, as his landlord, I could tell him and his screaming meamies to hit the road!

Frasier

You?

Niles

Mmm-mmm.

Frasier

And I?

Niles

Mmm-mmm.

Frasier

Working side by side?

Niles

Mmm-mmm.

Frasier

I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds... quite exciting!

Niles

[excited] We could consult on each other's patients.

Frasier

[excited] We could give seminars together.

Niles

Even therapy groups!

Frasier

Oh, my God, "Crane & Crane", I can see our logo already; a giant Crane hovering over a human head!

Frasier

Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing?

Martin

You two, you'll never learn.

Niles

Oh, oh, you think this is a bad idea?

Martin

The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea! The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea! But this.... [thinks] No, that restaurant was still the stupidest one.

Frasier

Two little mis-adventures and you doom us to failure.

Martin

Oh, baloney, you've been like this since you were kids. You two can't work together.

Niles

Maybe Dad's right. We're not ready for this, it could lead to conflict and tension.

Frasier

[v.o] Hold it!

Frasier

Niles, tell the truth!

Niles

Oh, all right.

Niles

Stop raining on our parade, Dad!

Frasier

To "Crane & Crane"!

Frasier

[v.o] Well, our first day together began innocently enough...

Frasier

[enters] Good morning, Dr. Crane.

Niles

And to you, Dr. Crane

Frasier

Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal, there's nobody around.

Frasier

It's a hi-five, Niles!

Niles

Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Niles

Would you like a coffee?

Frasier

Oh, yes, please. [takes one as he inhales] Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that. The smell of the office place. Freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.

Niles

Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night, some of their tissue samples turned. By the way, I've put together some recent articles you may want to peruse just to get up to speed. [shows him a select few]

Frasier

Up to speed?

Niles

Well, it has been a while since you've practised and we could all use a little brushing up.

Frasier

Well, that's very considerate of you. Just put my homework assignment in my box there.

Niles

As you wish.

Daphne

All right, where shall we put this then?

Frasier

Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here by the couch, I think.

Niles

No, no, Daphne, here on the desk will pick up the earth tones in the carpet.

Frasier

No, there's this desk space here by the coffee station.

Niles

Oh, underneath the heating vent?! Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette!

Frasier

It's your office, put it where you like.

Niles

No, no, it is your plant.

Daphne

And it's my bleedin' back, so I'm putting it right here!

Daphne

[aside to Frasier] Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him. [exits]

Niles

[v.o] Liar! Liar! Daphne never said that!

Frasier

Well, she said it with body language.

Niles

I happen to be fluent in that language and she said nothing of the kind!

Schachter

Will someone tell me what's so important about this plant?

Niles

You'll know soon enough. I'm telling the rest of the story.

Daphne

I'm putting it right here!

Martin

You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane. But people still ask you to help them move!

Frasier

Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad. Could you just put those in my office, please?

Daphne

Oh, look at your two names together on the door. Er, Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours?

Niles

Yes, that was the only way it would fit. I assumed you wouldn't mind - after all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we?

Frasier

Of course, Niles. If I were interested in self-promotion, I guess I'd be content with my radio show, heard every day by over half a million listeners - the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada!

Frasier

What are you doing?

Niles

I'm moving the Chepalire.

Frasier

I like it where it was.

Niles

Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light.

Daphne

You two tend to your plant, I'll go fetch the file cabinet! [exits]

Frasier

I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in direct sunlight.

Niles

Well, obviously, look at it, the leaves are puckering!

Frasier

They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.

Niles

Oh, nonsense, Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust!

Frasier

[gets a hold on the plant] This plant is going right over...

Martin

[entering] And so it begins!

Niles

[v.o] Of course, the incident with the plant was only the beginning.

Niles

That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk, a row at the coffee machine, and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men room's key.

Frasier

That was an accident.

Niles

Yes, it very nearly was.

Frasier

I am so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are! I'm going to tell the story from now on!

Frasier

[v.o] The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much shot by the time we conducted our first therapy group together...

Niles

First off, I have a colleague to introduce. He is not only An esteemed psychiatrist, he happens to be my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier

Afternoon.

Kedlish

Wow, you're Dr. Crane from the radio.

Frasier

Guilty as charged.

Niles

Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane that this is real psychiatry now, not the radio. No hanging up on the hard ones here!

Frasier

But rest assured I am trained to deal with a full range of issues. Everything from envy to jealousy! But, I'll just be observing today, I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here.

Niles

And good luck with that. [approaches patient] Mrs. Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date on how you're dealing with your divorce. This is week two, isn't it?

Kalish

Yes. Well, I actually had my first date last night.

Niles

That's wonderful.

Frasier

Hmmm...

Kalish

Did you say something?

Frasier

I don't think so.

Kalish

It sounded like "Hmmm..." like you disapproved.

Frasier

Well, since you've asked. I think in divorce we have painful feelings, which are never the less healthy feelings. We start to date too quickly and we want to be sure that that's not panacea for the pain.

Niles

Ooh, yes, you'll all find my brother's quite adept with those peppy little bromides; "panacea for the pain"! You can almost hear the phrase: We'll be right back after these words from "Pringles"!

Carr

You don't want to wait too long before you date though, either. I waited five years but then I was so desperate I stayed with the first woman who came along. She ended up being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife.

Frasier

Hmmm...

Niles

[covering] Well, Mr. Carr...

Carr

Wait, Dr. Crane, it sounded like your brother said something again.

Frasier

Well, since you've asked. It occurred to me that by waiting for five and becoming, as you said, desperate, that perhaps you were really giving yourself license to pursue the woman who reminded you of your first wife. You had to repeat the pattern.

Carr

So, you're saying that it wasn't an accident?

Frasier

We have an expression in psychiatry: "there are no accidents."

Niles

Now let's check in with news and traffic.

Frasier

Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason?

Niles

No, Dr. Crane, I believe they do. I'm reminded of a recent "accident" involving a four-inch wooden block attached to a men's room key which walked off in somebody's pocket! Clearly an act of hostility, wouldn't ya' say?!

Frasier

Certainly a well-deserved one, considering what an insufferable prig someone has been today!

Niles

You dare call me a prig after I rescued you from that sideshow you call a radio program?

Frasier

One more crack about my show and I'll put that little wooden block in a place you'll always be able to find it!

Niles

[fumes, then:] Group, take five minutes of quiet introspection!

Niles

Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it. [holds it up]

Frasier

Niles, you are not scaring me... the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!

Niles

How dare you try to steal my group!

Frasier

I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!

Niles

Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it "Frasier-stock"!

Frasier

You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending attitude. You have not missed one single opportunity to run down my show or grab a book off the shelf to help me "get up to speed!" My God, you're such a brilliant healer, you've even taken over the care of my Schefflera!

Niles

Well, you were starving it of sunlight!

Frasier

All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs!

Niles

Are you insane?!

Frasier

If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it!

Niles

Oh...!

Niles

Is that my group? Group, group, come back, group! [they exit and then:] I'm very proud of this show of independence! [shakes a fist, then:] I hope you're happy!

Frasier

If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it!

Niles

Stop saying that!

Schachter

Dr. Crane!

Niles

Hello, Dr. Schachter.

Schachter

What's going on?

Niles

I'm having a discussion with my brother.

Schachter

I could hear your discussion across the hall in my office.

Niles

Well, you see, he waltzed in here like the belle of the ball and yet...

Schachter

Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress. As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy. Now I've never treated brothers before, but still, if you step into my office, I'm sure I can help you.

Schachter

[v.o] Hold it! Hold it!

Schachter

I never said, "I'm sure I can help you." I said, "I may be able to help you."

Niles

See how he twists your words?

Frasier

[dangles men's room key] Right here, buddy boy.

Schachter

Enough! You are doctors! I've never seen anything like this in my life. [to Niles] You think he's trying to steal your patients, [to Frasier] and you think he's trying to undermine you as a psychiatrist. But you must know what is at the root of this problem.

Frasier/Niles

[pointing] He is!

Schachter

No. You have a fundamental lack of trust. Now it may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change but there are certain exercises that we try provided that you two are willing.

Schachter

Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is. Now, why don't you simply stand on this foot stool and fall backwards into your brother's waiting arms, thus demonstrating that we can trust each other. [to Niles] Dr. Crane, why don't you go first?

Niles

Well, all right.

Schachter

Just get up there, and let yourself go.

Niles

[starts to fall and then] Is he standing directly behind me?

Schachter

Yes, now trust your brother.

Niles

[takes some time] I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles.

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake, Niles, just get down, I'll go first. All right?

Frasier

[starts and then] Is he in position?

Schachter

Yes! Trust him!

Frasier

[takes some time] You should know he catches like a girl!

Schachter

I don't believe this. Get down, will you? [Frasier does] This couldn't be easier! [gets up] I get up here, I count to three, and you catch me. One, two, three.

Frasier

Why didn't you catch him?!

Niles

Well, you were closer!

Frasier

It was your turn!

Niles

"It was my turn"...!

Schachter

[getting up] That is it! That is it! In thirty years as a couples therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say: Give up! It's hopeless! You are pathologically mistrustful of each another, competitive to the point of madness! [gets his coat] So, trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals, and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other! Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink until the rest of me is as numb as my ass!

Niles

Well... that's quite a diagnosis.

Frasier

[reads pad] Yes. But there is no denying it. We are vindictive and competitive....

Niles

Petty, mistrustful...

Frasier

As so often in these cases it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.

Niles

Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.

Frasier

Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. [motions to the diploma on the wall] My God, the man is an expert in his field. He graduated from the University of...

Frasier

Grenada!

Niles

[shocked] Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.

Frasier

Oh yes, of course, his graduate work was done in... [reads] Aruba!

Niles

An all-Caribbean schooling... well, tally me banana!

Frasier

I knew he was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.

Niles

[laughs] Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of the week.

Frasier

Niles, we still have time to catch a late lunch!

Niles

Oh, oh, oh, "Peris" is just around the corner.

Frasier

Away we go. Oh, "Chez Shea" is just as close.

Niles

Yes but the food at "Peris" is much better.

Frasier

Oh, Niles. [laughs] Have you lost your mind?