Police Story
Aired 23rd April 1996 · Written by Sy Rosen · Directed by Phillip Charles Mackenzie
Roz
Faster, Frasier, faster! [throws her leg across and stamps the accelerator] You can make this light!
Frasier
God, you're going to get us killed!
Roz
I can't be late for this date!
Frasier
Oh, this is ridiculous! First the drycleaner, then the ATM, now you're making me cart you off to some restaurant!
Roz
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't plan for my car to be in the shop. But I really, really appreciate it, Frasier. [starts unbuttoning her shirt]
Frasier
Oh, a basket of fruit would suffice!
Roz
I am changing for my date! Don't look at me! Turn around! Turn all the way around!
Frasier
I'm driving!
Roz
Fine! [climbs into the backseat] Hand me my jeans, will you?
Frasier
Here. [hands them to her, then checks the rearview] Oh, oh, great! There's a police car behind us. Please don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the—
Roz
Damn it, Frasier! Don't worry, you're not going to get a ticket. You're a celebrity, use a little juice!
Frasier
Oh, I refuse to do anything of the sort!
Roz
OK, fine. Enjoy traffic school.
Frasier
Hello, officer. I'm listening.
Cop
I clocked you doing sixty-two in a forty-mile zone.
Cop
Well, this is interesting. Usually both people are in the backseat.
Frasier
It's not what you think. See, we were just coming back from KACL, where I do my radio show.
Cop
Uh-huh.
Frasier
You see, we ran a little late, because I was on with a very troubled caller, with a very complex psychological problem... on my radio show.
Cop
Hey, wait a minute. You're Dr. Frasier Crane!
Frasier
Drat! My cover is blown.
Cop
I love your show! I listen to it all the time.
Frasier
Oh well, thank you. It's always nice to—
Cop
License and registration, please.
Frasier
Be arrested by a fan.
Frasier
Roz, if you could delay ablutions? I'm in custody here!
Cop
Hey, it's your birthday today. [re: Roz] Is this a little celebration?
Frasier
No, no, I'm simply taking my producer to meet her date.
Roz
Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a party at the station!
Frasier
Question asked, question answered. [to cop] I'm just going to be dropping her off, then have a cold plate of deli, and get to bed early. Almost makes you feel sorry for me, doesn't it?
Cop
I spent my last birthday subduing a drunk-and-disorderly at a sleazy bar.
Frasier
Don't you hate to work on your birthday?
Cop
He was my date. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to let you off. [hands his license back] Just think of this as a little birthday gift from me.
Frasier
Thank you.
Cop
But slow down. I'd hate to see you get hurt.
Frasier
I'm listening.
Roz
OK, let's go!
Frasier
Do you sense a little moment there?
Roz
["Why are we not moving?!"] What are you talking about?!
Frasier
Well, between me and that very attractive officer. It just felt like there was something there.
Roz
Yeah, major sparks. Now, just the right pedal. The big pedal—
Frasier
Now, just a minute. [adjusts the rearview] We'll see if she's watching me. If she's watching me, she's interested. Oh, yes! She's turning around, she's looking up!
Cop
[over bullhorn] Move your vehicle!
Frasier
Oh, yes. I've cast my spell.
Daphne
Go on, Dr. Crane, make a wish.
Frasier
[making evil eyes at Eddie] Oh, why bother? I made the same wish last year, it didn't come true.
Martin
Come on, son, blow out the candles!
Frasier
[dry, sarcastic] Oh, what a surprise. Look, they're lighting again! What sorcerer's magic is this? [cuts the cake] You know, Dad, I had a nice little birthday bonus today. On my way home, I was pulled over for speeding by a very pretty policewoman, who let me off. I got the distinct impression that she found me attractive. Now, that sort of thing happens, doesn't it?
Martin
Oh, sure. I was always leaning against somebody's window thinking, "that bloody chainsaw in the backseat looks kind of iffy, but she's got a cute smile!"
Frasier
Oh, ha, ha. I'm telling you, there was something there, though. Well, of course the whole conversation's academic. I don't even know her name. I suppose I could call down to the police station and try to find out who was on traffic duty. But, uh, I don't suppose they'd give that sort of information to a civilian. You'd have to have some... conduit to the police department, an insider who could break that damnable code of silence!
Martin
All right, I'll make the damn call. [goes to the phone]
Frasier
You, Dad? Why, I didn't even think of—
Martin
Oh, shut up.
Frasier
You know, I haven't felt such an instant attraction to a woman in quite some time. Well, considering the difference in our backgrounds, it's really rather puzzling.
Niles
Oh, pish-tosh! It's painfully obvious what's attracting you — the gleam of her jackboots, her dangling nightstick, the glint of her handcuffs hanging on her leather belt. You're off on some lurid little disciplinary fantasy.
Daphne
[notices] Oh, Dr. Crane, shame on you! You got icing up and down your sleeve!
Niles
Oh. I am a naughty boy.
Daphne
Well, certainly a messy one.
Niles
But mainly a naughty one.
Martin
[on phone] Hey, Charlie, yeah, Marty Crane, how ya doing? Hey, listen, Charlie, I'm trying to track down a woman officer who was on traffic tonight, uh, near...
Frasier
Blanchett and Fourth.
Martin
Blanchett and Fourth. Great, OK, thanks. [hangs up] Her name's Maureen Cutler, and she usually goes to McGinty's after work. Charlie said she's probably there now.
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
Are you going to go?
Frasier
Well, I don't know. A police bar? If I go in there alone, I'll stand out like a sore thumb!
Niles
All right, I'll go.
Martin
Sit down, Niles, I'll go with him. You know, after all these hoity-toity, caviar-sucking egghead types you've been dating, I think a lady cop would be a nice breath of fresh air.
Frasier
Oh, all right, I'll go! Give me a second, I'll put some fresh collar-stays in, and-oh, oh, I've got a fabulous brand-new cashmere jacket I've been dying to premiere!
Martin
Oh, yeah. This is gonna work.
Martin
You see her yet?
Frasier
I don't know.
Martin
[pointing] What about her?
Frasier
No, that's not Maureen.
Martin
No, I mean, what about her?
Frasier
Oh, there she is!
Martin
Wow, she is a looker! Well, come on, let's go say hello.
Frasier
Oh well! Oh my God, fancy seeing you here!
Maureen
Hey, Frasier Crane.
Frasier
Oh, you remember me?
Maureen
Come on — sixty-two in a forty-mile zone with a half-naked girl in the backseat?
Frasier
Roz.
Martin
Oh.
Frasier
Oh, uh, this is my father.
Maureen
How do you do? I'm Maureen Cutler.
Martin
[shaking hands] Marty Crane, nice to meet you.
Maureen
Nice to meet you.
Martin
Say, Maureen, how about a drink?
Maureen
Yeah, why not?
Frasier
Let me get them. I'm a beer drinker myself, what about you?
Maureen
That's fine by me.
Martin
Beer, huh? Oh, what the hell, I'll try one.
Maureen
So, what brings you guys here? This is mostly a cop hangout.
Martin
Well, I used to be on the force.
Maureen
Really?
Martin
Yeah.
Maureen
Wait a minute. Marty Crane? You're Martin Crane!
Martin
You're wasting your time in traffic, you're quite a detective. [laughs]
Maureen
No, I mean I remember you when I was training. You gave this great lecture at the academy on how to deal with an armed suspect.
Martin
Well, thanks.
Maureen
How come you left the force?
Martin
Well, I uh, got shot by an armed suspect. [laughs]
Maureen
I'm sorry.
Martin
Oh, it's all right.
Maureen
So, do you miss it?
Martin
Nah, how attached can you get to a hip?
Maureen
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. [gets up] I have to get over to the hospital. I told them to beep me if there was any news about my sergeant.
Martin
What happened to him?
Maureen
She's having a baby.
Martin
Oh well, hope it's a girl! Yeah, I'll tell Frasier you had to run.
Maureen
Thanks... listen, um, I never do this, but I would love to have a beer or go to dinner sometime.
Martin
[taken aback] With me?
Maureen
I don't want to put you on the spot. [gives him her card] If you, uh, if you want to go out, just give me a call.
Martin
With me?
Maureen
You're the only one here.
Frasier
Here we are! Three beers. Good news, there was a fly in one glass, so these are free!
Maureen
I'm sorry, I just got beeped.
Frasier
Oh, that's too bad.
Maureen
Yeah, but it was nice to see you. Maybe I'll bump into you again here sometime.
Frasier
Oh, that'd be great.
Maureen
OK, bye.
Frasier
Bye.
Frasier
Well, I think that went very well, don't you?
Niles
I'll have a grande half-caf latte, with a whisper of cinnamon. And for my father, plain coffee. I cannot emphasize the word "plain" enough. No foam, no cinnamon, no exotic flavors. If it is not plain, I take no responsibility for the consequences.
Waitress
How about a biscotti?
Niles
All right. But when you bring it, call it a cookie.
Martin
Hi, son.
Niles
Hello, Dad.
Martin
Uh, I want to thank you for meeting me like this.
Niles
Well, my pleasure. [they sit] So... what can I do you for?
Martin
Well, I need some advice.
Niles
That's why you asked me here?
Martin
Yeah.
Niles
You've never done this before!
Martin
Yeah, well, I'm sorry. But anyway, you remember—
Niles
Dad, I want you to know I'm not only deeply touched, but I consider this a watershed moment in our relationship!
Martin
Great. See, the thing is—
Niles
All my life, it seems you've always turned to Frasier. "Frasier, Frasier, Frasier!"
Martin
Niles, can I talk?!
Niles
I'm listening.
Waitress
Here we are. One latte, one coffee, and one [looks at Niles] "cookie."
Martin
I think they call this thing a biscotti.
Niles
No need to talk down to the man. Off you go!
Martin
Well, anyway, uh, you remember the other night, Frasier's policewoman?
Niles
Mmm-hmm.
Martin
Well, we found her at the bar, and, uh, well, she came on to me.
Niles
No.
Martin
Yeah.
Niles
You?
Martin
Yeah.
Niles
Was she drunk? [Martin glares] Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, of course, you're right, I'm sorry. Uh, [barely able to contain his delight] what was Frasier's reaction?
Martin
I haven't told him yet.
Niles
Why not?
Martin
I just can't.
Niles
Can I?
Martin
I know he's going to feel lousy. He finally meets a girl he likes, and she's attracted to his old man.
Niles
Hmm, that is quite a conundrum. I wonder if that's what's really bothering you.
Martin
What do you mean?
Niles
Maybe, underneath it all, you're attracted to this woman and you want to go out with her.
Martin
Oh, are you, nuts? That's sick! That's disgusting!
Martin
But for the sake of argument, let's say you're right.
Niles
Dad, you're allowed to be attracted to a woman.
Martin
What kind of a father does a thing like that?
Niles
Did you encourage her in any way?
Martin
Well, I guess I was kind of charming. I mean, I didn't mean to be! It just sometimes leaks out.
Niles
Well, what do you want to do?
Martin
Well, most important I don't want to hurt Frasier. And secondly, I want to go out with Maureen. The order of that changes depending on the time of day.
Niles
Well, one possibility is, go on a date with her. If you feel there are sparks between you and this woman, then tell Frasier.
Martin
I don't want to lie to my son.
Niles
You're not lying to him. You're delaying the truth to spare his feelings. If nothing happens, he need never know.
Martin
Well, I guess it's worth a try. If Maureen and I hit it off, then I'll tell him immediately.
Niles
Or I can. Really, I don't mind!
Frasier
Hi, Dad.
Martin
Oh, Frasier! You're still home.
Frasier
Yeah. Where are you going?
Martin
Just out.
Frasier
What are you gonna do?
Martin
Nothing.
Frasier
When are you gonna be home?
Martin
Later.
Frasier
Well, you put a dent in the car, young man, it's coming out of your allowance!
Charlotte
I mean, I've got my pride, you know. So, I said to her, I said, "Mrs. Crease, I'll do the cooking, I'll do the cleaning, but I draw the line at creaming your feet!"
Charlotte
Dear, hurry up! "The Mambo Kings" is about to start!
Daphne
Oh, I wouldn't mind mamboing with Antonio Banderas! All right, set out the goodies and I'll go get the wine.
Daphne
Oh, and this time, Charlotte, be careful with that chocolate! I had a hell of a time hiding the stain from His Nibs— [runs headlong into Frasier] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane!
Frasier
Daphne. Charlotte, Maggie.
Charlotte/Maggie
Dr. Crane.
Frasier
Please, sit down. [they do]
Daphne
I thought you were filling in at the station tonight.
Frasier
Oh, I am. But, uh, not for a couple of hours yet.
Daphne
Oh-ho, seems a shame to hang around here. I mean, I would have thought you'd have taken an opportunity like this to, I don't know... go down to McGinty's?
Charlotte
Oh, to see his new lady friend, you mean?
Frasier
Ah, well, I see I've been quite the hot topic over the teapot.
Daphne
You know, I may have said a thing or two in passing, but—
Charlotte
I'd go for it, Dr. Crane!
Frasier
Yes, well, if you must know, I was planning to go down there, but not for a couple of days yet.
Charlotte
Well, I wouldn't wait too long. I mean, strike while the iron's hot, that's what I always say!
Daphne
She's right.
Frasier
Well, women don't really like men that are too overeager.
Daphne
Oh, nonsense. I mean, you know, it's one thing if the man's some bounder git from the docks, but it's different if the man's like you.
Maggie
Someone who's charming.
Charlotte
And handsome.
Daphne
And knows lots and lots of words.
Frasier
Well, McGinty's is on my way to the station. I suppose I could just pop my head in. [picks up his briefcase and goes to the door] Thank you, ladies, for your support — even if it was nakedly self-serving and insincere.
Maureen
So, they finally put my transfer through, and I'm moving out of Traffic and into Narcotics. Yeah, I'm gonna be working with, uh, Bill Henderson at the 31st.
Martin
Good for you.
Maureen
Yeah, I'm excited, although I hear he can be pretty tough.
Martin
Oh no. I mean, he might seem a little stiff and strait-laced, but once you get to know him he's the greatest guy in the world.
Maureen
Yeah, he is pretty impressive.
Martin
Oh yeah, smart, great sense of humor. No, you're gonna have a great time.
Frasier
Dad, I can't believe you're doing this!
Maureen
Frasier!
Martin
Look, I was gonna tell you—
Frasier
[to Maureen] Believe me, I did not put him up to this, though I think he's overselling me a little. I'm not the greatest guy in the world. Seattle, maybe.
Maureen
Am I missing something?
Frasier
Oh, I'm just joking. OK, Dad, thanks for warming her up for me. I can take over here.
Maureen
Martin?
Martin
Frasier... Maureen and I are here on a date.
Frasier
I know you might think this is one of those wildly embarrassing moments where I'm standing here with egg on my face. I assure you, I'm not as embarrassed as you might assume I would be embarrassed. I'm not uncomfortable, so please, don't you be uncomfortable either.
Maureen
[getting up] Why don't I give you two a moment?
Frasier
Whatever!
Frasier
You asked her out?!
Martin
No, that's not the way it happened.
Frasier
There's no use lying to me. I am at the lowest point I could possibly be, so please just tell me the truth!
Martin
Maureen asked me out.
Frasier
Going down!
Martin
It happened the other night when you went to the bar to get drinks. You know, it just caught me off guard, I didn't know how to handle it. So, Niles said I should—
Frasier
Niles? Niles knows?
Martin
Look, I'm sorry. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, just to see if there was something there, and if there wasn't, then you didn't even need to know about it.
Frasier
Well, is there? "Something there?"
Martin
Oh, yeah.
Frasier
Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.
Martin
I don't think so.
Frasier
Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!
Martin
Look, uh, I'm gonna go tell her this whole thing is a mistake—
Frasier
No, no, no, Dad! I'll be OK, really. Well... the old dog's still got it in him, huh?
Martin
Yeah. But, really, how long can it last? I mean, she's got to come to her senses eventually—
Frasier
Oh no, Dad, Dad, don't sell yourself short. You've got a lot to offer. Well, I'd better head off to work. Goodnight, Dad.
Martin
Goodnight, thanks.
Frasier
Damn!
Roz
Uh-uh, OK, thanks. [hangs up] Frasier just came in the building, so everybody hide and be quiet.
Betty
Do you think he'll be surprised?
Roz
Considering his birthday was yesterday? Yeah, I do, Elizabeth.
Betty
Should we yell "surprise" or "happy birthday?"
Roz
We've done this like five hundred times. And every time it's pretty much the same. We yell, the person pretends to be surprised, and we stuff ourselves with cake.
Betty
I just wanted it to be perfect.
Roz
And that is what makes you so special to us. Now get under the console!
Roz
Hi, Frasier! [he grunts] How you doing?
Frasier
Oh, just wonderful. Forty-three is off to a rousing start. Remember that policewoman I was interested in?
Roz
Yeah?
Frasier
Well, she's dating my father!
Roz
Your father?
Frasier
Mmm-hmm!
Roz
Well, never mind that. I know just what will take your mind off of it. I've got something really funny in my booth.
Frasier
I spent the last hour wandering the streets, trying to take assessment of my life. Do you know how long it's been since I've slept with a woman? Seven months!
Roz
Frasier—
Frasier
All right, nine months!
Roz
I really don't think we should talk about that right now!
Frasier
Oh sure, fine, you can't spare me five minutes to talk about my problems, when every day I drop what I'm doing to be your personal Wailing Wall. "Frasier, he stopped calling me." "Frasier, he wants his key back." "Frasier, his girlfriend is having me followed!"
Roz
I'm sorry.
Roz
So nine months, huh?
Frasier
Nine long, long, months.
Roz
Oh...
Frasier
You know who that woman was?
Roz
Who?
Frasier
Edna, from Accounting.
Roz
No...
Frasier
The next day, she dumped me! I tell you, Roz, I'm starting to feel nostalgic for that summer in my twenties when I was impotent!
Frasier
The only comfort I have now is knowing that my humiliation can't possibly get any worse!
Staffers
[jumping up] SURPRISE!
Frasier
Hi, Edna.